- 2 days ago
"Knights in Shining Armor" refers to a classic 1942 episode of The Abbott and Costello Show on the radio, which notably featured guest star Merle Oberon.
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00:12C-A-M-E-L-S
00:15Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service, presents from the 6th Ferry Group Air Transport Command
00:21at Long Beach, California, the Abbott and Costello Program.
00:28With the music that we've seen at his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes in the Channel 5,
00:33tonight's guest, Miss Merle Oberon, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:47Hey, Abbott!
00:48Oh, come on, what's the matter with you, Costello?
00:50Hey, Abbott, I want to ask you a very personal question.
00:52What is it?
00:52Do you think I'm fat?
00:53Well, I'd say you were on the plump side.
00:55Why do you ask?
00:56Well, I was over by one of those big hangers.
00:58I was standing next to a blimp.
01:00All of a sudden, an officer points to me and says,
01:01Look, they're making them with faces now.
01:05Oh, he was just kidding.
01:07You know, there's nobody that has a better sense of humor than a flying man.
01:10I know that too, Abbott, because I'm a flying man myself.
01:13What do you mean?
01:13I started flying when I was a six-month-old baby.
01:15You flew when you were a baby?
01:16Yep.
01:17I flew out of my nurse's arms and made a perfect one-point landing.
01:19No, no.
01:21You mean three-point?
01:22No, one-point.
01:23My safety pin was open.
01:26Costello, I don't believe you've ever been up in the air.
01:28Oh, yes, I have.
01:29I used to be a hostess.
01:30Well, you walked into that one, my friend.
01:32For your information, plane hostesses are always female.
01:36This was a male plane.
01:39Tell me, Costello, when was the last time you were up in the plane?
01:43Do you want the truth or my version?
01:45Oh, no, no, no, no.
01:47I want the truth.
01:48I think we'd get more laughs the other way.
01:50No, no, no, no.
01:51Tell the truth.
01:52Okay, I'll tell the truth.
01:53All right.
01:53I took my first plane ride today.
01:55Captain Dick Lasseter took me up in a great big plane.
01:58Tri-motor?
01:58Tri-what?
01:59I said tri-motor?
02:00Certainly we tried the motor.
02:03What do you think we did?
02:04Push it?
02:05Nah, skip it.
02:06I'm not going to get it up in the air and then try it.
02:08All right, forget about it.
02:09Forget about the motor?
02:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:11The other thing.
02:12By the way, what kind of a pilot is he?
02:14Was he flying blind?
02:16No, he was perfectly sober.
02:19What a dope.
02:20Of course he was sober.
02:22Well, never mind that.
02:23You know, Lou, I wonder what these boys down here at Long Beach do when they go on leave.
02:28Well, I saw a bunch of the boys down at the beach with their girlfriends.
02:31Did they go down there to spoon?
02:32Well, they didn't go down there to wash their socks.
02:37Well, here's Ken Niles.
02:39I've been waiting to see you, Ken.
02:40I was wondering what your wife thought of the picture we made last week.
02:44That's right, Niles.
02:44What did she think of my acting?
02:46Well, I don't mind telling you that she absolutely raved.
02:49She raved, eh?
02:50Yeah, they took her away the next morning.
02:55What's so funny about that?
02:56Did you make that up yourself?
02:58Yeah, out of my head.
02:59You certainly are.
03:04I hate that guy.
03:06I know you do, but quit arguing, Costello.
03:07I want to hear more about the picture.
03:09Did you read any reviews, Ken?
03:11Ah, yeah, sure.
03:12The Druggist Weekly gave the picture four aspirins.
03:17See what happens, won't you?
03:18He's got the band framed out.
03:20Sandy's got the band framed.
03:21That wasn't a funny line.
03:22There was nothing funny about that, brother.
03:24Can you imagine that?
03:25Listen, Ken, I read all the reviews.
03:28And even Mrs. Roosevelt mentioned our picture in her column.
03:30What did she say?
03:31She said, my day was ruined.
03:36That's the one line I don't know why they got it in there.
03:38Look, wait a minute, look.
03:40Lou, didn't we get any compliments at all?
03:42Oh, sure.
03:42We got one cheer that I remember.
03:44Where from?
03:44The Bronx.
03:45The Bronx?
03:46You know, in Hitler's face without music.
03:49Oh, yeah.
03:50Well, maybe we should give up the idea of producing our own pictures.
03:53Don't you be silly.
03:54No, no, no.
03:54Perfume Pictures Incorporated is here to stay.
03:56And I'm ready to start another picture right now.
03:58Push the button for my secretary.
04:00Okay.
04:01Hey, hey.
04:02What's the idea of a horn for a buzzer?
04:04She used to be a waitress in a drive-in.
04:06Oh.
04:08Oh, boss.
04:09I'm sorry it was late this morning.
04:11Are you doing anything tonight?
04:13Why, uh, no.
04:14Not a thing.
04:15Then try and get here on time tomorrow morning.
04:19The fine secretary.
04:21How did you get a job here?
04:23I used to be in pictures.
04:24I played in the way of all flesh.
04:26What part did you play?
04:27One of the meatballs.
04:32Everybody gets slaps but me.
04:34All right.
04:35Have patience.
04:36Have patience.
04:37By the way, do I have any appointments today?
04:39Uh, yes, sir.
04:40At 12 o'clock you have an appointment with Hedy Lamarr.
04:42What am I doing after that?
04:43Me, he asked.
04:47Mr. Costello, could I speak to you for a moment?
04:50Why, it's Botsford Twink, our sound man.
04:52What's on your mind, Bots?
04:53Well, I want you to know that I was terribly hurt
04:55because I wasn't in your picture last week with Carmen Miranda.
04:58After all, if you're looking for new faces, look at me.
05:01My face is new, isn't it?
05:02Oh, very new.
05:03In fact, your whole head has only been slightly used.
05:08Please give me a chance, Mr. Costello.
05:10Help.
05:10I really do have a lot of talent.
05:12You know, I do most of the voices in all the Leon Schlesinger cartoons for Warner Brothers.
05:16Don't tell me.
05:17Yeah, for instance, here's a little Porky Pig.
05:21This is the way I talk when I play Porky Pig.
05:28That's all.
05:37I'll play Porky for you for $1,000.
05:39What are you talking about?
05:40Warner Brothers don't pay you that.
05:41I know, but Pork has gone up.
05:45What else do you do, Botsford?
05:46Oh, did you ever hear of Bugs Bunny?
05:48I have a carrot here, so I'll give you a little sample.
05:54Eh, what's up, Doc?
05:58Eh, eh, what do you say, Chubby?
06:00What's cooking, huh?
06:01Of course, if you use Bugs Bunny, you'll have to use my wife, Mrs. Bunny.
06:04But we can't use two rabbits in our picture.
06:06Well, we couldn't separate them.
06:08That would be splitting hairs.
06:11Well, if you can't use the rabbit, maybe I could furnish some of the musical background.
06:15I can imitate an electric organ.
06:17Listen.
06:23It's clever, ain't it?
06:25Do you call it an organ?
06:27Now, listen, Botsford.
06:28I can't use any of that stuff in my picture.
06:31Now, will you get out of here?
06:34Now, look what you did.
06:35Now, look what you did.
06:36Now, look what you did.
06:37Every time you yell at me, yell at me, I guess I...
06:40Well, when you yell at me, he gets that.
06:42Why do you yell at me?
06:43How did I know that?
06:43Did I know that?
06:44When I talk loud, he gets the hiccup.
06:46Costello.
06:46How did I know that?
06:47Well, don't yell at him.
06:47Do something for the poor fellow.
06:49Please, Botsford.
06:50I said, talk nice to him.
06:51Botsford, I'm talking low and easy.
06:52Now, take it easy.
06:53No more hiccups.
06:54That brings him out of it.
06:55That brings him out of it.
06:55Does it?
06:56I didn't know that.
06:56All right.
06:57Take it easy.
06:57How do you feel?
06:59Uh, better now.
07:00Oh, you do?
07:01I feel fine.
07:02Oh, my glad of that, Abbott.
07:03Now, let's get back to this picture.
07:04But, Mr. Costello, are you sure you can't use the organ?
07:07Botsford, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't...
07:09Please.
07:10Please, not in the kitchen.
07:11I don't know what I'm doing.
07:14Get her, my head!
07:24Costello, we can't hold up production on your new picture any longer.
07:27Now, we've got to get a leading lady.
07:28How about giving that secretary of yours a chance?
07:30She has blue eyes, blonde hair, and a Supreme Court figure.
07:33What do you mean, a Supreme Court figure?
07:35A Supreme Court figure?
07:36Well, what do you do?
07:37No appeals.
07:38Oh!
07:40Besides, I phoned Merle O'Bron about playing a leading court.
07:42You did?
07:43Yes.
07:43I picked up the receiver and I said, Merle, darling.
07:46Merle, sweetheart.
07:48Merle, my love.
07:49And then?
07:49Then I dialed her number.
07:53Merle O'Bron.
07:54Merle O'Bron would be swirling our picture.
07:57You know, and I sent for a new fashion designer.
08:00What is this that just popped in here?
08:02What happened?
08:03Well, now, wait a minute.
08:04I sent for a new fashion designer.
08:06Is that it?
08:08Now he's in.
08:09Come in.
08:11Good evening, gentlemen.
08:13I'm your new fashion designer.
08:15Uh, Pierre, you, Pierre.
08:18To my friends, I'm P.U.
08:21You said it, brother.
08:22Hey, get a little of that guy's hair.
08:24He's a male Veronica Lake.
08:26Pierre, this is Lou Costello.
08:28Oh, how do you do, Mr. Costello?
08:30Thank you, sir.
08:30You are just the man I'm looking at.
08:32I've not seen you in a long distance.
08:36Get the way his hair hangs over his face.
08:38Pardon me, Pierre.
08:39Was your mother ever scared by a sheepdog?
08:41Oh, come on, sir.
08:42Leave the man alone.
08:43We've got to get him to design Miss O'Bron's clothes.
08:46Now, no more remarks about his hair.
08:48Looks like a palm tree in a high wind, doesn't it?
08:51Well, Mr. Costello, I admit that my hair is a standing joke.
08:55Well, it needs a new switch.
08:58I don't know what's wrong there.
08:59Keep quiet.
09:00We must have Miss O'Bron's wardrobe design before she gets here.
09:04Pierre, would you mind telling us some of your ideas on women's clothes?
09:08Oh, not at all.
09:09You know, the main thing is color harmony.
09:12Color harmony?
09:13What's that?
09:13Well, it's very simple, Mr. Costello.
09:16For instance, if you were carrying a pink bag, you would not wear a green dress, would you?
09:22Oh, gracious, no.
09:23I wouldn't dare.
09:26Well, I'd be the laughingstock of my sewing circle.
09:29All right, come on.
09:29Never mind.
09:30What kind of line is that to give me a big man?
09:34Forget it.
09:34Skip those things.
09:36Come here, Pierre.
09:37Now, with a shortage of materials, how about something plain for Miss O'Bron to wear?
09:42We'll call it a defense dress.
09:43How about that?
09:44How about making that out of barbed wire?
09:45That isn't defense.
09:46It ain't exactly an invitation.
09:49Go ahead, Pierre.
09:50Suggest a dress for Merle O'Bron.
09:52You know, something that she can wear in our picture.
09:54Well, being a brunette, I would suggest that I make Miss O'Bron a gown of apple green
10:00with a peach skirt, lemon trimmings, plum ruffles, an orange belt, and a tangerine scarf.
10:07Hey, that dress, that's a fruit salad.
10:09But, nevertheless, that sounds fine.
10:12Now, what about Merle's hat?
10:14Well, the hat should be very simple but very smart.
10:17Do you think the boys in camp here would like Miss O'Bron in a hat that has three roses
10:22and a ribbon on the side?
10:24No, they'd rather have four roses with a chaser on the side.
10:30Now, get out of here and I'll design the clothes myself.
10:33Oh, Costello, you can't design clothes.
10:35Is that so?
10:36I just invented a lady's leg paint that takes the place of stockings.
10:39It even covers the knees.
10:40It disguises the knees?
10:42You said it.
10:42You can hardly recognize the old joints.
10:46Well, we let Merle O'Bron design her own clothes for the picture.
10:49What do you say?
10:49Yes, and I'm just the girl who can do it.
10:51Now, listen, kid.
10:52You keep out of this.
10:53Look who it is.
10:54It's Merle O'Bron!
11:04Merle, I'm overjoyed.
11:05I'm overcome.
11:07I'm overwhelmed.
11:08I'm over here.
11:12Merle, I've always been in love with you.
11:14You're so beautiful.
11:16Can I give you a kiss?
11:17Well, all right, but just one.
11:24Lou, where did you learn to kiss like that?
11:27I used to be a bugler in a Boy Scout.
11:31Now, look, if you folks don't mind, we'll go over the script of the picture that you
11:34are going to play tonight.
11:35It's a story of the nights of old.
11:37Merle, you play a beautiful princess.
11:40And you wear a hoop skirt.
11:42A hoop skirt?
11:43Yeah, a hoop skirt.
11:44That's a parachute with legs.
11:47Costello plays the part of a knight.
11:49He's in love with you.
11:50I thought knights were tall.
11:52Well, kid, on account of daylight saving time, the knights are getting shorter.
11:58As the first scene opens, Merle, you're in the palace, awaiting the arrival of your
12:02lover.
12:03You are playing the organ.
12:05Organ like this?
12:08Oh, Botsford, didn't I tell you that you couldn't be in this picture?
12:12Don't do that again.
12:13Oh, I shot at it again.
12:14I shot at it again.
12:15I'm sorry.
12:15Don't shout at him.
12:16Oh, I'm sorry.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:18I'm sorry.
12:18I'm sorry.
12:19I have to yell.
12:19All right.
12:20I'm sorry.
12:20I'm talking.
12:21I'm sorry.
12:21Relax.
12:21Take it easy.
12:22All right, Botsford.
12:22Shout at him in the wall.
12:23I'm talking.
12:24Nice help.
12:24Easy.
12:25Can I talk?
12:25I'm okay.
12:26I'm sorry, Botsford.
12:27I'm very sorry.
12:27I'm okay now, Mr. Costello.
12:29Oh, I'm glad you are.
12:30Now, keep out of the picture.
12:32You did it again.
12:34I did it again.
12:34Don't yell at me, Botsford.
12:35Don't yell at me, Botsford.
12:36I'm sorry.
12:36Will you please put a gag in his mouth?
12:38Put a gag in his mouth?
12:40Yes.
12:41If I had a gag, I'd tell it myself.
12:47Come on.
12:48Let's get back to this story.
12:49Costello, as a knight, your costume is a suit of armor.
12:53That's right, Lou.
12:54You wear an iron coat, an iron vest, and iron trousers.
12:57In fact, you wear a whole iron suit.
12:59Where do I get oppressed?
12:59At Lockheed?
13:02Now, your suit may become rusty, so you better keep yourself well oiled.
13:05I'd have to be oiled to make love to you in an iron suit.
13:10Merle, you walk out on the balcony.
13:12Yes, and I sneak right up to it.
13:14How do you get across the moat?
13:15I caught the guard with his bridges down.
13:19Then we have the big scene where Costello serenades you with a song of love.
13:24And, Lou, I will drop a flower on you.
13:26In a mad moment of love?
13:28No, in a pot.
13:33Now, Merle, you signal that the coast is clear.
13:37And, Costello, you climb the balcony.
13:39You reach Merle's side.
13:40You're panting from the long climb in that suit of armor.
13:43Yes, that's it.
13:45You gaze into her eyes.
13:47Remember, this is your big chance.
13:49Never mind, no more pants.
13:51Hey, panting.
13:52Never mind that.
13:53There's a motion in your voice.
13:54As you stand there in your iron suit, what do you say to her?
13:57Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:01Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:03Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:07Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:09Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:10Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:11Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:12Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
14:17Hey, kid, have you got a can opener?
16:51The Dragon's Tale or The Dragon Isn't Wagon Anymore.
16:54The beautiful Princess Guinevere is played by Merle Oberon.
16:58Lou Costello is the brave knight, Sir Porterhouse, and Bud Abbott is his good friend, Sir Lloyd.
17:03I play the part of the king.
17:07As the scene opens, the princess and I await the arrival of two brave knights in our kingdom.
17:14Curtain?
17:18Greetings, brave knights, I am Sir Lloyd, Knight of the Bath, from Saxony.
17:26And I am Sir Porterhouse, Knight of the Bath, from Constantinople.
17:30What kind of worst do I give you?
17:34Constantinople?
17:35Yeah, Turkish bear.
17:38Greetings, brave knights.
17:39I am the Princess Guinevere.
17:40And who are those beautiful dames with you?
17:43They are my ladies in waiting.
17:44Well, what are we waiting for?
17:47Quiet, Costello.
17:48Oh, Sir Porterhouse, you must save our kingdom.
17:51The people are angry.
17:53They're clamoring outside the gates of the palace.
17:55Just listen to them clamor.
17:57Clamor, clamor, clamor, clamor, clamor.
18:01Did you hear that?
18:03The people are revolting.
18:04They certainly are.
18:05No, no.
18:08No, no, the people are starving.
18:10They have not eaten in five days.
18:12Oh, they should try and force themselves.
18:14They gotta eat.
18:16But, my dear princess, have we no food?
18:19Alas, no.
18:20The dragon has destroyed our crops.
18:22You mean all our corn is gone?
18:24Yes, there's only enough left for this program.
18:29What's so funny about that?
18:32What a fresh princess.
18:34Listen.
18:35Listen to the people shouting.
18:37They have been shouting for five days,
18:39but I dare not speak to them.
18:40I will speak to the people, Your Majesty.
18:42Open the door.
18:43I'll make a speech.
18:46People of Saxony.
18:49Shut up.
18:51That got him.
18:54Now, my dear princess,
18:55just what do you desire us to do?
18:57My dear knight,
18:58for several years now,
19:00my father has been bothered by a terrible dragon.
19:02Why doesn't he pick up his feet?
19:05You don't understand.
19:09You don't understand.
19:10Nobody understood that.
19:13Today, the dragon is coming to carry off the princess Gwynevere.
19:16You must save me from this mean monster, Sir Porterhouse.
19:20He's a very mean beast.
19:21Okay, kid.
19:22He has two heads.
19:23One at each end.
19:25How does he sit down?
19:28He can't.
19:29That's what makes him so mean.
19:31Well, don't be mean.
19:33Don't worry, Pritchett.
19:35All right.
19:36I'm allowed one mistake, ain't I?
19:40I am not afraid of nothing.
19:42One time I climbed up a tree and I bagged a ferocious tiger.
19:45You went up a tree after a tiger?
19:47No.
19:48He came up after me.
19:52But you said you bagged him.
19:53I did bag him.
19:54I bagged him to go away, but he wouldn't.
19:58Hey, what happened?
19:59Well, I snapped at the tiger.
20:01The tiger snapped at me and suddenly something was past me.
20:04What was it?
20:05Pomona.
20:06Pomona.
20:06Talk sense, will you?
20:08Then my uncle came to my rescue and I finally brought that tiger home stuffed.
20:12What was he stuffed with?
20:13My uncle.
20:16Oh, your majesty, the dragon is almost upon us.
20:19He's coming to get the princess.
20:20Quick, princess.
20:21Button up my iron suit.
20:24Wait a minute.
20:25Just a minute.
20:26I thought you were a princess.
20:27I worked with swing shift on the side.
20:32Costello, look at that thing belching smoke and fire.
20:35Is that the dragon?
20:36It ain't a smudge pot.
20:38I'm getting out of here.
20:40Too late.
20:40He's got us trapped.
20:42Here.
20:43Here he comes.
20:44Now do what he does.
20:45Do exactly what he does.
20:46Right.
20:47He's staring at you.
20:48Stare back at him.
20:48I can't.
20:49All right.
20:49I can't do it.
20:50Quiet.
20:51He's roaring at you.
20:52Roar back at him.
20:54That'll scare him.
20:55Wait a minute.
20:56Wait a minute.
20:57Now he's wagging his tail.
20:59That lets me out.
21:02Look out.
21:04Look out.
21:04He's going to charge.
21:05He's going to charge.
21:06How much?
21:07Oh.
21:08Josh.
21:09Quick.
21:09Grab him.
21:10Grab him.
21:11I'm a gullet.
21:13There's a fancy line.
21:14Grab him by the gullet.
21:16Grab him by the gullet.
21:17By the what?
21:18The gullet.
21:19The gullet.
21:19The dragon's neck.
21:20Let him neck.
21:21What do I care about their love life?
21:23Give me my sword.
21:24Give me my sword, somebody.
21:26I'll cut his nose off.
21:27But how will he smell?
21:29That is something that should only interest another dragon.
21:34Now he's coming at you.
21:35Be careful, Costello.
21:36Your back is turned to him.
21:38He's coming up behind you.
21:41I know it.
21:42I know it.
21:43He got me.
21:44Where did he get you?
21:45Well, if I was wearing a license plate, he would have got off the last three numbers.
21:51Hey, he ruined my suit.
21:54My good iron suit he ruined.
21:56You nasty dragon.
21:57Get out of here.
21:59Oh, don't do that.
22:01Don't get me.
22:02Oh, what a stupid thing.
22:03How can I do the...
22:04How can I do the...
22:05I can't do the...
22:06Now stop.
22:06Stop.
22:07What can I do to keep your quiet, Buttsford?
22:08Will you cut it out?
22:09I'm sorry.
22:11And it's your own fault for hollering at him.
22:12There's only one...
22:13Only one thing that'll cure my hiccups.
22:15If you let me kiss Miss Oberon.
22:17Oh, very well.
22:18I'll kiss you.
22:19If only you'll stop those awful hiccups.
22:20Go ahead, Buttsford.
22:21Kiss her.
22:22Okay.
22:26Um, how do you feel now, Buttsford?
22:29Oh, I feel fine.
22:31But...
22:32What happened to me?
22:34That's awful.
22:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
22:40ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
22:40ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
22:40ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
22:41ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
22:43ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
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