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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:14C-A-M-E-L-S
00:17The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos.
00:23See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you two.
00:27Find out for yourself.
00:31Listen to the great rhythms of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes.
00:36And that dumpy, dumpling-head little diplomat who, when he heard that Mussolini and Hitler were dead, had this to
00:43say.
00:46Hooray, Abbott!
00:59Well, Costello.
01:04Costello.
01:05It's about time you got here.
01:06What were you doing at the music shop down on the corner?
01:08Oh, I went in here to get a record of that song about Molotov.
01:11A song about the great Russian diplomat?
01:14Molotov?
01:15Yeah.
01:15What is it called?
01:16I came here to talk for Joe.
01:25Costello, you're getting dumber every day.
01:27I think you could tell everything you know in five minutes.
01:29I could tell everything the both of us know and it wouldn't take any longer.
01:32Never mind that, Costello.
01:34You've been acting very peculiar since we started our picture at the MGM.
01:37This is going to kill a lot of people.
01:39Yes.
01:39I'm afraid you're getting very conceited.
01:41I am not conceited.
01:42I'm the same talented, lovable, high-class big shot I've always been.
01:47I was right.
01:48You are stuck up.
01:49Why, yesterday, you even autographed one of your own pictures and to yourself.
01:54Well, I had to do it, Abbott.
01:55I always wanted a picture of me.
01:56Uh, what did you write on that picture?
01:58With love.
01:58From one handsome guy to another.
02:02Costello, you are a swell-headed, pompous egomaniac.
02:06Abbott, I wish you'd tell me, tell that to my scoutmaster.
02:08Why?
02:08He thinks I'm a jerk.
02:09Oh.
02:11Costello, you are becoming impossible.
02:13Everybody at the studio is talking about you.
02:15Yeah, but they're all saying nice things.
02:17Yeah, I wonder.
02:18Sylvan Simon, Martin Garge, Alec, and they're all speaking so nice of me.
02:21Just yesterday, Margaret O'Brien paid me a compliment.
02:24Margaret O'Brien is just a little child, and I heard what she said to you.
02:27You did?
02:28Yes.
02:28Margaret O'Brien said you had a face that only a mother could love.
02:31Yeah, but did you ever see her mother?
02:32Woo!
02:33No.
02:36Costello.
02:36Banana!
02:44Come here, Costello.
02:46You know, the way you've been chasing the girls at the studio set is disgraceful.
02:50Those actresses don't want to be bothered with you.
02:52You're not the romantic type.
02:53Oh, is that so?
02:54Well, Judy Garland, she thinks I'm a great romantic lover.
02:56She said I reminded her of Rooney.
02:58Judy Garland said you reminded her of Rooney?
03:00Well, she didn't use them words, but she said every time I kissed her, it was like getting a Mickey.
03:04Uh-uh.
03:06Listen, Costello, you're a comedian.
03:09You'll never be a lover in pictures with your face.
03:11Now, what's wrong with my face?
03:12I'm getting prettier every day.
03:14I'm getting so pretty that I'm even making my own mother jealous.
03:17Oh, Costello, how could you make your mother jealous?
03:19She looks at me and gets jealous at the other mothers.
03:23Costello, nobody is jealous of you.
03:25Why, even your new girl, Mabel Mustard Plaster, doesn't give a hoot about you.
03:29Is that so?
03:30Yes.
03:30Well, it so happens, Abbott, that Mabel Mustard Plaster is stuck on me.
03:33Last night, her...
03:38I don't get it.
03:41It so happens that last night, her and me sat in front of the fireplace and watched the coals turn
03:46red.
03:47Do you know what made those coals turn red?
03:49Nothing that we was doing.
03:50I know.
03:53Tell me, Costello, when you first met Mabel, were you infatuated?
03:56No, but she was about half plastered.
04:00Costello, you don't understand.
04:01I mean, when you started to woo Mabel, were you smitten?
04:04Oh, certainly I was smitten.
04:05We were both smitten.
04:07You don't think I woo standing up, do you?
04:08No, no, no, no, no.
04:09Oh, you idiot, I...
04:11I was smitten right by the fireplace.
04:12I didn't, listen, I...
04:13Please, I didn't say smitten.
04:14I said smitten.
04:16When you held hands with Mabel the first time, were you smitten?
04:19No, sir.
04:19You weren't smitten?
04:20No, when I hold hands with a girl, I don't wear no smitten.
04:22Now, look, look.
04:24Look, Costello, I'm only trying to find out how you feel about Mabel Mustard Plaster.
04:28Now, if you were smitten with a girl, you might hanker for her.
04:31Did you ever hanker for her?
04:32I even hankered with her.
04:34Oh, no, no, you...
04:35You sap, how could you hanker for a girl?
04:38Well, it happened last Sunday, Abbott.
04:39Mabel and I got in a rowboat and rode way out to the end of the point.
04:42Yes.
04:42And we hankered there all day.
04:45Why did we have fun?
04:46I wasn't even wearing my smittens.
04:48It wasn't cold.
04:48No, no, no.
04:49No, Costello, you're confusing the issue.
04:52You're talking about anchoring a boat, and I'm talking about hankering for a girl.
04:55Now, hankering is like yearning.
04:57Tell me, are you yearning for Mabel?
04:59No, sir.
04:59I'm yearning for myself and my father.
05:00You yearn for yourself and your father?
05:02Yeah, I make $20 a week, and my father takes half of what I yearn.
05:05No.
05:06Now, Costello, when I say yearn, I don't mean earn like in earning.
05:09I mean yearn like in yearning.
05:11And to yearn, you must be smitten.
05:12If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation.
05:15Oh, when you say yearn, you don't mean earn like in earning.
05:18You mean yearn like in yearning.
05:19And to yearn, you must be smitten.
05:20If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation.
05:22Now, you've got it.
05:22Now, I don't even know what I'm talking about.
05:26Costello, forget about being a dramatic actor.
05:28You'll never be a success as a ladies' man.
05:29Oh, no?
05:30Well, for your information, Mr. Abbott, there's a dozen women in Hollywood
05:32tearing their hair out just to have a date with me.
05:35Well, why don't you go out with them?
05:36Who wants to go out with bald-headed women?
05:38Oh, get me out of here.
05:49Whoa!
05:50Abbott!
05:51Now what?
05:52Abbott, I've made up my mind.
05:53What do you mean?
05:53I ain't going to act.
05:54And no more comedy pictures.
05:55No more.
05:56I'm too pretty to be hanging off the back of fire wagons,
05:59getting basketballs bounced off of my head
06:01and having oyster squirt and milk in my puss.
06:02Oh, calm down.
06:03No more!
06:03Calm down, Costello.
06:05Never mind.
06:06Listen, no more of that.
06:07Now, look, you're a comedian.
06:08You can't be a dramatic actor.
06:09That takes training and background.
06:11Oh, I got that, Abbott.
06:12My whole family was high-class actors.
06:13My Aunt Minnie was a fan dancer.
06:15A fan dancer?
06:15Yeah, and one time when Aunt Minnie was doing a fan dance,
06:18a mouse ran across the stage and my Aunt Minnie dropped her fans.
06:20And what happened?
06:20The mouse fainted.
06:24Did they get rid of the mouse?
06:25Huh?
06:26Did they get rid of the mouse?
06:27No, he had a ticket.
06:28They couldn't put him out.
06:29Now, look, Costello, please, you don't understand.
06:31I'm talking about dramatic background like I've got.
06:34Why, when I was 12 years old,
06:36I was with the Abbey Players of Ireland.
06:38That's nothing.
06:38When I was 12 years old,
06:39I was with the hooky players of Patterson.
06:44Come in.
06:45I beg your pardon.
06:46Which one of you is Lou Costello, the great actor?
06:48That's me.
06:48Mr. Costello, please face my camera
06:50and give me a big smile.
06:51Now, that's it.
06:53Thank you, Mr. Costello.
06:55And don't forget to look in the paper tomorrow morning.
06:57Will my picture be in?
06:58No, but Dick Tracy's in the terrible map.
07:02I'll bet that guy is measles brother at Chicken Pucks.
07:07Hello, yes, this is Bud Abbott.
07:08Okay, I'll tell Costello.
07:10Hey, that was Universal Studio.
07:11They said they are sorry they won't be able to complete our latest picture,
07:14the naughty 90s,
07:15until they are able to secure a dramatic actress to play the final scene.
07:17They said that Betty Davis, Catherine Hepburn,
07:19Joan Fontaine,
07:20and all the other dramatic actresses are busy,
07:22and our picture will have to wait.
07:24Did they realize that this is a half-hour program?
07:27Why, what's wrong?
07:28They said all that just now?
07:29Yes.
07:30We must be running overtime, brother.
07:32Never mind that.
07:34Costello, this is your big chance to prove your acting ability.
07:36I'm going to get you some women's clothes,
07:38take you to the studio,
07:39and we'll see if you're good enough to fool the director
07:41into letting you do the final scene.
07:43But they'll recognize me.
07:44They know all the dramatic actresses.
07:45Yes, but they don't know all the South American dramatic actresses.
07:49Oh, I get it.
07:50You want me to be another Carmen Miranda.
07:52That's Carmen Miranda.
07:53With my shape, it's Miranda.
07:56Some people even think I'm a stoop.
07:58All right, look.
07:59Come on, Costello.
08:00Well, I'll take you to Professor Melonhead's
08:02School of Spanish Acting
08:03and have him coach you for the part.
08:10Ah, welcome.
08:11Welcome to the School of Spanish Acting, gentlemen.
08:14I am Senior Melonhead.
08:19Senior Melonhead.
08:20I've seen your Melonhead around here for ten weeks
08:22and it's starting to get right.
08:23Now, Costello,
08:25I'm surprised at you.
08:26Senior Melonhead is a great artist.
08:27Then why don't he have a little...
08:29Oh, my mixed up.
08:30Yes.
08:31Never mind.
08:32He said I was a...
08:33I got it.
08:33I got it.
08:33I got it.
08:35Then why don't he paint...
08:36Never mind.
08:37On with the next line.
08:39What's the matter with my head?
08:41Oh, your scalp runs all the way down to your heels.
08:44Is that so?
08:45Okay.
08:45Young man, I'll have you know, Costello,
08:47before I married my wife,
08:49I had hair as black as the ace of spades.
08:52Looks like your wife trumped your ace.
08:56Melonhead, was your whole family bald?
08:57No, not exactly.
08:58Of course, for many years,
09:00my mother did have a rat in her hair.
09:02That's no way to talk about your father.
09:04Ed!
09:05Costello, be quiet.
09:06Senior Melonhead,
09:07Costello wants to play the part of a pretty Spanish girl.
09:10Now, can you coach him?
09:11Can I coach him?
09:12Gentlemen,
09:12I am the greatest authority on Spanish customs.
09:15Why, I've even been a bullfighter.
09:18In my native Spain,
09:19I used to enter the arena like a matador.
09:22I faced the bull like a picador,
09:24and I fought the bull like a toreador.
09:28And they carried you out like a cuspador.
09:32Shut up, Costello.
09:34Mr. Melonhead,
09:35could you start Costello's lessons right now?
09:37Why, of course.
09:37I'll start his lessons immediately.
09:38Here.
09:39On this piece of paper is a simple Spanish phrase.
09:42Read it, please.
09:43Okay.
09:44Muchas gracias, amigo.
09:45No, no, no, no.
09:47Not gracious.
09:48That word is gracias.
09:49You see,
09:50in Spanish,
09:51the C is pronounced
09:52T-H.
09:53No.
09:54Gracias.
09:55You see?
09:55T-H.
09:56Pow, pow, pow.
09:57You see?
09:58Would you mind putting your head some...
10:00Get over there!
10:02In Spanish,
10:03the T-H...
10:04Pow, pow.
10:06In Spanish,
10:07it's pronounced T-H.
10:07That's right.
10:08It's a good thing we don't have that in English.
10:10Why?
10:10Can you imagine Bing Throsby and Gary Thuper
10:13taking Claudette Colbert
10:14in a restaurant
10:15and ordering
10:15three sups of T-Hoppy
10:16and three pieces of
10:18sultanate susted pie?
10:21That's right.
10:22Get out of here!
10:23Oh, come on.
10:24Who likes this?
10:25I don't know.
10:26Look,
10:27look,
10:27let's talk sense of this.
10:37Let's talk sense, Costello.
10:38Come on.
10:39Let's get on with the lessons.
10:40Very well, Mr. Abbott.
10:41Now,
10:41Costello,
10:41we'll say that you,
10:43you are a lovely Spanish senorita.
10:47You meet a gay caballero
10:48at your fiesta.
10:51Now,
10:51when he sees you,
10:52he playfully clicks his castanets
10:55and then he bangs his maracas together.
10:59He does?
10:59Yes.
11:01And do you know what you do?
11:03Yeah,
11:03I hit him over the head with my fiesta.
11:05No.
11:06You do nothing of the sort.
11:08You invite him.
11:09Look,
11:09you invite him into your home
11:11and you cook him a delicious Spanish meal
11:14in your patio.
11:16Can you remember that?
11:17I can remember when I didn't have a patio to cook in.
11:20Now.
11:26All right,
11:27now,
11:27Costello,
11:28while you're cooking the meal,
11:30the caballero
11:30strolls into your kitchen.
11:32He admires your frijoles.
11:34He slyly sprinkles,
11:36he slyly
11:37sprinkles cheese
11:38on your tortillas
11:40and then
11:41he pushes your enchiladas
11:42on the back of the hot stove.
11:52He wouldn't dare.
11:58He hasn't got the nerve.
12:00Just a minute.
12:01Just a minute.
12:02What's the matter,
12:02Costello?
12:03Melon Hub,
12:04this time you have gone too far.
12:05I didn't mind
12:06when that cab driver
12:07clicked his gasket.
12:08I said nothing
12:09when he banged his bazookas together
12:11right in my fiesta.
12:12But when you make him push
12:14my poor old auntie Lottie
12:16on the back of a hot stove,
12:18you have not only imputed
12:19on my good name,
12:20but you have cast a smirch
12:21on the good neighbor policy,
12:23muchas gracias,
12:24without a T-H,
12:25and that's that.
12:26Oh, get him out of here.
12:35Well, Costello,
12:37here we are at the studio.
12:38Now, remember,
12:40you're dressed like a Spanish lady,
12:41so act like one.
12:42And please,
12:43straighten up.
12:44You're all stooped over.
12:45I can't help it.
12:46It's a long pull
12:46from my garter belt
12:47to my socks.
12:48Quiet, quiet.
12:49Now, remember, Costello,
12:50it's your chance
12:51to prove to the director,
12:52Mr. Teknikolevich,
12:53that you're a great actress.
12:55Come on.
12:56Ah, Mr. Abbott.
12:58And who is this beautiful
12:59young lady with you?
13:00Uh, Mr. Teknikolevich,
13:02allow me to introduce
13:03the famous
13:04South American actress,
13:06Louisa Castellio.
13:08Ah, Signor Teknikolevich.
13:10Haitian,
13:11the Buenos Aires,
13:11La Cienega,
13:12Sunset and Vine.
13:15Now, what's wrong
13:16with that?
13:18The senorita
13:19does not speak English.
13:21Uh, not a word.
13:22Mm, Mr. Abbott,
13:23she is wonderful.
13:24She is the most
13:25beautiful girl
13:26I have seen
13:26since I left home.
13:28No wonder he left home.
13:30What?
13:31Senorita,
13:31a moment ago
13:32you didn't speak English.
13:34I learned fast.
13:35Oh, senorita,
13:36you are ravishing.
13:37This is the first time
13:39I ever saw
13:39a leading lady...
13:40Stop looking at me
13:41with those eyes, brother!
13:44But it's still
13:45the first time
13:46I ever saw
13:46a leading lady
13:47with muscles.
13:49Tonight,
13:49I will take you
13:50to dinner, yes?
13:51Yes.
13:51Then I take you
13:52to the theater, yes?
13:53Yes.
13:54And after that,
13:55I take you
13:55to my apartment, yes?
13:57No.
13:59But senorita,
14:00I have something
14:00to show you.
14:01I have etchings.
14:02You have etchings?
14:03Then scratch yourself,
14:04brother,
14:04I'm getting out of here.
14:06Come on, Abbott,
14:07this guy's got eczemia!
14:09No, no.
14:10Now, wait a minute.
14:12Senorita,
14:13Mr. Technikulovic
14:14is a great director.
14:15He can make you a star.
14:16I will give her
14:17the Lubitsch touch.
14:18If he lays a finger
14:19on me,
14:20I'll scream.
14:23I'll scream.
14:23finger on me.
14:25We will make a scream.
14:26Banana!
14:32Now,
14:32we will make
14:33a scream test
14:34immediately.
14:35Hey, Abbott,
14:36this is what
14:36I've been waiting for.
14:37No more comedy
14:38for me.
14:39Nice,
14:40dignified acting.
14:41Now, quiet.
14:42Now we will
14:42take the scene.
14:43Senorita,
14:44this is a love triangle.
14:45You will play
14:46the part
14:46of the other woman.
14:47Why can't
14:48the other woman
14:48play her own part?
14:49Now, be quiet.
14:50I mean,
14:51I don't want to
14:51take some other
14:51poor woman's job away.
14:52Be quiet, please.
14:53I mean,
14:53but after all,
14:54I'm...
14:54Now, the scene
14:58opens with you
14:59in the arms
15:00of your lover.
15:01Action.
15:02Ah, my fiery
15:03Latin beauty.
15:04Let me put my arms
15:05around your waist.
15:06You think you can make it?
15:09Ah, you are so gorgeous.
15:11You have the kind
15:12of hair I love
15:13to touch.
15:13You have the kind
15:14of eyes I love
15:15to gaze into.
15:16You have the kind
15:17of lips I love
15:17to kiss.
15:18You have the kind
15:19of throat
15:19that I love
15:20to touch.
15:21Cut!
15:22Senorita,
15:23you are too cold.
15:24Have you never
15:25been in love?
15:26What do you do
15:27when a man tries
15:27to kiss you?
15:28I belt him
15:29in a kisser.
15:30Will you be quiet?
15:31I mean,
15:32but I'm only trying
15:32to tell you
15:33that there's a limit...
15:33Camera!
15:36Now, continue
15:36the scene.
15:37Camera, action.
15:39You big,
15:40strong man.
15:41Let me take you
15:41in my arms.
15:43Ouch!
15:45Senorita,
15:46please,
15:46don't bend
15:47the actors.
15:49But I was only...
15:50Quiet!
15:50I mean,
15:51I was just...
15:51Quiet!
15:52I mean,
15:52after all...
15:53Shut up!
15:55Deadest
15:56Sylvan Simon
15:57have I ever
15:57seen a guy.
15:58Now,
15:59the jealous
15:59wife comes in
16:00and catches you
16:00making love
16:01to her husband.
16:02Action!
16:03Oh-ho!
16:04So this is what
16:05goes on behind
16:05my back.
16:06You Latin
16:07cheetah!
16:08Where's my gun?
16:09Oh,
16:09wait a minute,
16:10Matilda.
16:10Put down that gun.
16:11The senorita
16:12and I love
16:13each other
16:13until death.
16:14Do us part.
16:16And I think
16:17that's what's
16:17going to part us.
16:19Hey,
16:19Abbott,
16:20please take me
16:21back to funny
16:22pictures.
16:22Oh,
16:23you're doing
16:23great,
16:24Costello.
16:24You'll never
16:25have to do
16:25slapstick comedy
16:26again.
16:27No more rough
16:27stuff.
16:28No more
16:28falling down
16:29to get laughs.
16:30No more
16:30getting pies
16:31thrown into
16:31your face.
16:32All right,
16:32quiet.
16:33He was only
16:33trying to...
16:34Shut up,
16:34you!
16:35Now,
16:36continue the scene.
16:37Camera!
16:37Oh,
16:38you fat
16:38double-crossing
16:39husband-stealer.
16:40I'll break
16:41this chair
16:41over your
16:42head.
16:42there.
16:57OK.
16:59OK.
17:17And now, and now, get out, you hussy!
17:21All right, but before I go, I'm going to take this lemon pie,
17:24the pie that I baked for your husband.
17:25But you use my eggs, so the pie belongs to me.
17:28It's my pie!
17:29It is not! It's my pie!
17:32It's my pie!
17:33Cut, cut! I'll settle this!
17:35This bickering is disgraceful!
17:37Senorita Castello, give me that pie!
17:40What did you say?
17:42I want that pie! Give me that pie!
17:44Okay, but forever you asked, weren't!
17:57How did you like your experience as a dramatic star?
18:00Habit, you can have that dramatic stuff.
18:02I'll stick to skookin'.
18:04What's skookin'?
18:05Nothing much. What's cookin' with you?
18:06Oh, get him out of here! Good night, folks!
18:08Good night!
18:08Good night, everybody!
18:21Yes, folks, be sure to tune in next week
18:24for another great Abbott and Costello show
18:25brought to you by Camel Cigarettes.
18:28And remember, camels are worth asking for every time.
18:31See for yourself how camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor
18:35click with you.
18:35Thank you!
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