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00:00Do you know what's this you've got here?
00:01What's what?
00:03Oh, you've got that out of the fridge.
00:05What is it?
00:07It's avocado.
00:09Avocado?
00:09Yeah.
00:10Jesus Christ, I'm going to be moving to Charlton you soon.
00:13I'm not moving to Charlton.
00:14They eat lentils.
00:16We don't eat avocado, do we?
00:18Yeah.
00:18You're just getting it interesting, posh.
00:20I've got avocado in the fridge.
00:26Have you ever done out like that?
00:28Well, I ain't telling you what they had.
00:32Oh, Barcelona.
00:35No, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me how to eat my dinner.
00:39A what?
00:39False fetish.
00:41I had no idea that was a thing.
00:42Remove my britches.
00:44Expose your loins.
00:45I like that.
00:48Oh, Ronnie.
00:50This is weird.
00:51He's a mercenary bugger, isn't he?
00:53This is why I don't eat.
00:54His heart is dicing with a devil.
00:55Oh, no.
00:56He suffers for his heart, doesn't he?
00:59A Bentley Continental!
01:01I think I'd rather call it a day, Natalie, wouldn't you?
01:04Who's been arrested now and for what?
01:08In the week, the BBC announced a new presenting trio on Strictly.
01:13We enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:16A blast from the past from Down Under was doing her thing on Eurovision.
01:25I mean, for Australia, having Delta Goodrum in here, you know, this is like us putting Adele up.
01:31Why don't we put Adele up?
01:33Because she wouldn't be seen dead at Eurovision, so.
01:36It is shite.
01:39We finally got to see who was first past the post on BBC One.
01:43Please sign in, Oberleaf.
01:45I'm fine if you won the race on 2013.
01:48Imagine taking your dad and race across the world.
01:51Sorry.
01:52I mean, you find him first.
01:53My dad's probably racing across the world.
01:55He's been racing across the world since 1983.
02:00And there was no escape for dodgy drivers on Channel 5.
02:04I'm just flying out!
02:06This is what it is, isn't it?
02:06We find them, we lock them up.
02:07If I ever got pulled over, I wish I would hope to be there.
02:12I think I'd be stunned.
02:14Like a hamster when they see light.
02:17I think it's normally deers.
02:20Not hamsters.
02:30In Wiltshire...
02:31I've been starting to tackle my man cave, Mary.
02:35And?
02:36And all the stuff from my mother's house.
02:38This is called Family 45 Records.
02:41Giles and his wife, Mary.
02:44That's the most annoying record of all time, Nutty.
02:46What's that?
02:47Manhattan Transfer, Chanson d'Amour.
02:50Oh, dreadful.
02:51Sing it.
02:52Ra-ti-ta-ti-ta.
02:53No.
02:54Ra-ti-ta-ti-ta, Mary.
02:55No, no, it's the most awful record ever.
02:57Chanson d'Amour.
02:59Stop it.
03:00Ra-ti-ta-ti-ta.
03:02Right.
03:02Do you remember it, Mary?
03:03Yeah, I do.
03:03I hated it.
03:04How's that come back into our lives?
03:06On Saturday night, the BBC was live from Vienna
03:10for the biggest song contest of the year.
03:12Here, buddy, this is your first ever Eurovision.
03:14Are you watching it?
03:16Gosh, buddy, it's Eurovision.
03:18I don't know why we need so many bloody flags, though.
03:21Well, it's all the countries, isn't it?
03:22I know, but I'm not arsed about all the others.
03:25It's the UK.
03:28It's just the UK.
03:33Do you know you're as old as the Eurovision Song Contest?
03:37Am I?
03:3870 years old, it is.
03:40God, bloody hell.
03:42I'm glad I can't remember the first one.
03:44It's bad enough having to sit through this one.
03:48After some stiff competition, it was the UK's chance to shine.
03:52There he is.
03:53Look, mum, no computer.
03:55Look, mum, no computer.
03:58Has he got a name or is he, look, mum, no computer?
04:00I mean, sure, he's got a real name.
04:02I don't think he was, like, born that,
04:03and that's not on his birth certificate.
04:05Come on, look, mum, no computer.
04:07Eins, zwei, drei.
04:08Look, mum, no computer.
04:10Eins, zwei, drei.
04:11I can see Deutsch.
04:12This is supposed to be really crazy.
04:13It is.
04:14I've heard it.
04:15It's good.
04:28Oh, we've lost.
04:30Yeah, we've lost.
04:32Put that away for another year.
04:40What the hell?
04:43God, for the UK act, this has gone very Eurovision.
04:46This has.
04:47If finally there was a language that I could count in.
04:50It looks like if the two Jedward brothers were one.
04:55Yes!
05:02I'm quite into it.
05:04Eins, zwei, drei.
05:06I think this is a bit avant-garde for me, Mary.
05:17I could actually add this to my Spotify.
05:21No.
05:21I'm coming back to life.
05:23I don't know what's going on here.
05:29I think it might be me.
05:31Am I too old for this?
05:33Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:34Cotton in English doesn't cut the mustard.
05:38So sick of munching roly-poly with custard.
05:41Roly-poly with fucking custard.
05:44You're just seeing words that rhyme, innit?
05:45Yeah.
05:46Yeah.
05:46Eins, zwei, drei.
05:48Downy, nanny, something, something.
05:50Eins, zwei, drei.
05:51With a slice of pepperoni.
05:53I don't mind this record, but I'd like it to stop now.
05:57He's had enough time.
05:58When I say eins, you say bye.
06:02Eins, zwei, eins, zwei.
06:06Bye.
06:07Bye.
06:07Bye.
06:08I don't think you say nice bye.
06:10When I say eins, you say bye.
06:16I think we've nailed it this year, Julie, suppose we've got.
06:19I can hear the phone lines buzzing in for this.
06:22Honestly.
06:23Twelve points everywhere.
06:25Honestly, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone, I'd be ringing up to vote for this.
06:28You have.
06:30Oh.
06:31Batteries flat.
06:35In North London.
06:36I'm really nervous.
06:38My friend's organising this thing where we're meeting a whole bunch of new people.
06:42And I'm a bit nervous.
06:44I've got social anxiety.
06:45And like, so I want to debut like a new laugh.
06:48A new laugh?
06:49A new laugh.
06:50So I'm going to try them out.
06:51Tell me which was the best.
06:52Okay.
06:52Sister Samira and Amani.
06:55I was thinking like a silent laugh.
06:57Oh my goodness.
06:58Yeah, like one of these ones.
07:03Yeah.
07:05That's my, like a silent laugh, you know.
07:08You need help.
07:09You actually need help.
07:11Can you just be normal?
07:13My normal is.
07:17That's my normal.
07:18I can't do that.
07:21Yeah, definitely don't do that.
07:23I can't open my mouth that big.
07:25I really shouldn't.
07:26It's not ladylike.
07:27On Tuesday night, we were back at the coalface on Channel 4.
07:31Can't have barbecues at minute.
07:33We had bloody Hailstone the other day.
07:35We've been having four seasons in a day.
07:37You don't know what bloody coats I put on.
07:38Oh man, I can't wait.
07:40I'll get the shorts out, T-shirt, clean up the drum.
07:43Ah, look at Sarah.
07:44She's looking at me like...
07:45The jerk drum's coming out.
07:46Yes, the jerk drum is coming out.
07:48The jerk chicken is coming out, girl.
07:50The first glimpse of sunshine and we just want to get outside and barbecue.
07:54Correct, we do, and I bloody tried that the other day.
07:57It was sunny all the time.
07:59Then everyone came round, it pissed it down.
08:04You're smashing it, man.
08:07I've never seen Dad so excited about anything.
08:10That's brilliant.
08:11It's just barbecue.
08:12I love it.
08:13What's on the barbie menu today, then?
08:15So this is going to be a celebration of breakfast.
08:18Oh.
08:19Al.
08:20OK.
08:21Are you watching this?
08:21OK.
08:22Are you listening?
08:23Yeah.
08:24The full Monty English breakfast, but not as you know it.
08:27No, I don't think people have got the energy, Mary.
08:30You've got to get the barbecue going before you can cook on it.
08:32Yeah.
08:33You have to start that up at five in the morning, yeah?
08:35So instead of turning, like, 20 bits of bacon, use a skewer like that.
08:41Ultimately, you've got one thing to turn instead of 20.
08:44It's like a little bacon skirt.
08:46Oh, that's sick.
08:47So you're whifting and wafting.
08:49Yeah.
08:50Bada boom, bada boom.
08:51Then when it comes to the sausage, I'm going to do pretty much the same.
08:54Two skewers holding four sausages.
08:56I don't like fat sausages.
08:57I like chip-a-ladders.
08:58But we have an opportunity to add some flavours that sausages absolutely love.
09:03That's onion.
09:05And sage.
09:06Red onion.
09:07It's always got to be red onion, not white onion.
09:09Oh, not this debate again.
09:10Always red onion.
09:11Sage, honestly, it's something I'd never think of using on food.
09:14Like, genuinely, when have you ever used sage?
09:17I've lived my life.
09:19A lot of people put the charcoal everywhere.
09:22Yeah, you do.
09:23We don't want that.
09:24We want control.
09:25Oh, there you go, Steve.
09:26You're listening.
09:27Now, if you've got a gas barbecue, really simple.
09:29Turn one side on four whack and then the other side on off.
09:32Why don't you know that?
09:34That's what we've done, Jamie.
09:35Fucking simple.
09:36Gas barbecue.
09:38There's a reason we're not living in caves anymore, Jamie.
09:40With the mushrooms here, take the little stalk in the middle.
09:44Love mushrooms.
09:45I hate mushrooms.
09:46I've never tried a mushroom, actually.
09:48And just cut it off.
09:50Peel the mushrooms.
09:51Who knew he could peel mushrooms?
09:53Oh, yeah.
09:53I love peeling a mushroom like that, Simon.
09:55Really?
09:56So therapeutic.
09:57With the mushrooms, turn those over.
10:01I'm going to take a great cheese halloumi.
10:04We keep forgetting about halloumi, Natty.
10:06We do.
10:07Do you know what?
10:08I'm not asked about halloumi.
10:09I think it's overrated.
10:10I think people just say, oh, yeah, can I have halloumi?
10:13And they're like, really love halloumi.
10:15They don't really.
10:15It's just jumping on a bandwagon.
10:17Just get the coarse side of a grater.
10:20It's kind of chewy, but it's also a little bit oozy.
10:22Grating halloumi.
10:24Never seen that.
10:25Maybe I should grate halloumi.
10:26I've done everything else with it.
10:29Not everything.
10:31As that bacon starts to get crispy...
10:33Yeah, what's going on with the bacon?
10:35You can pick it up.
10:36Look at that.
10:36Come on.
10:37And all the drippings can be brushed over your sausage.
10:42Well, if ever there was a euphemism.
10:47You're taking it one step too far for me, Jamie.
10:49So, look, I love the idea of, like, pushing barbecue to the next level.
10:53So, an egg going into the pepper.
10:55It's very cool.
10:56Peppers with a fry up.
10:58Yeah.
10:59Probably the only thing I'm not loving so far.
11:01OK.
11:01Peppers are for fajitas.
11:03All right.
11:04And fajitas only.
11:05The smell is incredible.
11:08Oh, look at that.
11:09Oh, where did he come from?
11:11What the hell?
11:13Hold on.
11:14Oh, that's the pizza guy.
11:16What's his name?
11:18It's not Donatello Versace.
11:20No, he's close.
11:22Gennado.
11:23Go, go, go, go.
11:25A little bit of basil on there.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Beautiful.
11:28You ready to eat?
11:28I am.
11:29Yeah.
11:29Yeah.
11:30If he brought that to the table, I'd say, well, that's all very well, Jamie.
11:34Could I have mine not burnt?
11:36Tuck in.
11:37My God, what a breakfast you prepared for me.
11:40Hallelujah.
11:41You'd have a full tin of beans easily with your breakfast, wouldn't you?
11:45Oh, yeah.
11:45And so would you.
11:46I might not both have tins of beans.
11:48Let's buy that barbecue, Mary.
11:51We've got one.
11:52I know, but it's crap.
11:54Is it?
11:54You haven't even tried it yet.
11:56No, I just don't like old things.
11:58Well.
11:58The older I get, the more I want new things, Mary.
12:02What?
12:02That's irony.
12:03I like to buy new, fresh things.
12:06Well, you, too bad.
12:07I've really, I've had a lifetime of hand-me-downs and I'm fed up with it.
12:10I don't want a brand.
12:11I deserve better.
12:12No, you don't deserve.
12:13I deserve better.
12:13You certainly do not.
12:15I deserve one of these, Mary.
12:16You don't.
12:25In Blackpool.
12:26Tell you what, it was bloody melting, that barbecue that we hosted the other night, wasn't it?
12:30Yeah.
12:30I'd say, wait, me and Ben.
12:31Yeah.
12:32Yeah, not me.
12:33It were all good produce, that and all.
12:36Meat from the butchers.
12:37Food from the fancy supermarket.
12:40Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
12:42Well, the highlight of the whole barbecue for me was because you were running late, because
12:47you were held up at work.
12:48Mum said to Eva, where's Daddy?
12:52And Eva turned around and went, is it Zumba?
12:57Just because Paige goes to Zumba on a Thursday.
13:00Now everybody goes to Zumba.
13:02It's just the thought of you at Zumba.
13:06Running late for the barbecue.
13:08I can't make it to the barbecue.
13:10I'm just Zumba at the moment.
13:12This week, the strange goings-on continued on Apple TV.
13:16If you looked at it and it says Widow's Bay, you'd think, there's something going wrong
13:22there.
13:22Why is it called a Widow's Bay?
13:24Because all the men die.
13:25Exactly.
13:26So you wouldn't go, would you?
13:27I'm going there, actually.
13:32Referee's free next week.
13:34We've never had so many visitors.
13:36Oh, what's that?
13:38Princess Anne.
13:39What?
13:40How do you know that's Princess Anne?
13:42Oh, sorry.
13:43Whatcha called?
13:44Florence Nightingale.
13:46Exactly.
13:51Country lanes at night time.
13:53Forget it.
13:53It's pretty spooky.
13:58Hello.
13:59What's he looking at?
14:02Somebody's in the road.
14:06Old lady.
14:07Oh, no.
14:08They're the worst.
14:10Miss?
14:10Oh, no, no, no.
14:12There's something very wrong with that figure, Mary.
14:15Do you need a ride?
14:17Do you need a ride?
14:19Oh, hang on, Tom, no.
14:20Is he for real?
14:24What is that?
14:25She don't look wild.
14:27It's Kate Bush, not it?
14:28No, it isn't.
14:34Yep, reverse.
14:35Bye.
14:37Oh, look at her, that.
14:38Oh, God.
14:39Oh, oh.
14:41Oh.
14:41Oh.
14:42Oh.
14:43Oh.
14:44Oh.
14:44Oh.
14:46I can't reverse that quick, either.
14:47He's good, though.
14:52What was that?
14:53Something went down the side of the car.
14:58What?
14:58Oh.
15:01The car's.
15:04Help!
15:06She scratched his arm, Soph.
15:08Now he's genuinely frightened, Mary.
15:10He's been touched by a ghoul.
15:12Sounds like the sea hag.
15:15The what?
15:17Your scratch.
15:18The sea hag.
15:19Old fisherman's law, you heard of it?
15:21Another old law that I've not heard of.
15:23The hag targets lonely sailors and follows them home at night.
15:27She scratches you and she gets some of your skin under her fingernails so she can track you down like
15:34a bloodhound.
15:35She can track him down anywhere now.
15:37She can track him down by the skin under her fingernails.
15:39Imagine having a woman that interested.
15:41To find out more about the sea hag, Mayor Tom popped to wicks.
15:46Have you ever heard of a hag?
15:49I have.
15:51She can get it.
15:52I only know the sea hag.
15:55Specifically one that scratches you and then tracks you down.
16:00The look on his face says it's not good.
16:02I would be saying, that face is now alarming me.
16:05Yeah.
16:06Can I tell you again and you do a different face?
16:08Every sailor knows the story of the hag.
16:12Every, oh, they would do.
16:14Every sailor?
16:15He knows a lot, doesn't he?
16:16I don't understand.
16:17How do you die?
16:18No, I don't neither.
16:20If she crawls into your bed and sits on your face.
16:22What?
16:35Look, look, look.
16:36He's getting weak, isn't he?
16:38Yeah.
16:38The scratch is taking effect.
16:43He's bleeding.
16:44The coat's bleeding.
16:48Oh!
16:49He's bleeding even more.
16:50So she'll be able to smell that, man.
16:54Don't fall asleep, Tom.
16:56She'll have you.
16:57Oh!
16:58Oh, God.
16:59Sit up!
17:00Sit up!
17:02Oh, no.
17:03Oh, there she is.
17:04No!
17:04Oh, no!
17:05Simon, look where she's coming up from.
17:07Oh, my God.
17:08Oh, my life.
17:12He can't move.
17:17Oh, look at those nails.
17:20Oh.
17:21Hang on.
17:21Oh.
17:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:27She's going to sit on his face.
17:29She's doing it.
17:29She's going to sit on his face.
17:33Oh, my God.
17:35Oh.
17:35Oh, he's going to recline the chair.
17:43Oh.
17:44Oh.
17:49Catapulted her over his shoulder.
17:54Quick, quick, quick.
17:55Shut the door.
17:58Is he getting in the bath?
17:59What good's that going to be?
18:03Stop breathing.
18:05Is a shower curtain sufficient to keep her out?
18:09I don't know.
18:09He didn't lock the door either, did he?
18:14Oh, she's coming.
18:15She's getting in.
18:16Oh, Lord.
18:17And the head will appear.
18:20It's not the head I'm worried about.
18:24Oh, here she comes.
18:26Oh.
18:26Oh.
18:27Oh, the smell.
18:28He can smell her.
18:29Oh, he's wretched.
18:30Oh, you would be, though, wouldn't you, haven't you?
18:32It's the...
18:32Oh.
18:34Hey.
18:35What was that?
18:37It's weak.
18:40You got her.
18:41Can you kill her?
18:45Oh, no.
18:46Oh, what is that?
18:48Is she dead?
18:53Where is she?
18:54She's turned into seawater, haven't she?
18:56Say what, what are you thinking about?
19:01Don't get no funny ideas, you know.
19:07Who would your ideal smother be?
19:12Nitro.
19:14With those arse cheeks, it'd be quick and painless.
19:21Hey, do you know the other day, Jenny?
19:23Yeah.
19:24There was a police van, speeders, you know.
19:28Oh, a camera.
19:29Something like that, yeah.
19:30I'm surprised you weren't being done yet.
19:32Why?
19:32Best friends Jenny and Lee.
19:35You know when you say you go slow?
19:36Yeah, I do.
19:37You do not.
19:38You was like a shit-off-a-fucking-rabbit on that, in there, on your car.
19:43You was.
19:43Look at you laughing, cos you know, don't you?
19:46I couldn't even keep up with you.
19:48What?
19:49What shit-off-rabbit?
19:54What do you mean, shit-off-a-stake?
19:58On Sunday night, there were more mad mutts on Channel 5.
20:03There's no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner.
20:05You're quite right.
20:06He seems to be obsessed by you, for some reason.
20:09Well, he's the only one in the family who is.
20:11But he's...
20:12But he's...
20:13Unless you've been feeding him from the Tay, have you?
20:16Well, then, you need look no further, it's cupboard, love.
20:21What's this, Tilly?
20:22This has nothing to do with you.
20:23This is how the other doggies behave.
20:25Not you.
20:26First up, Graeme's in God's Own Country.
20:30Yorkshire!
20:31Well, I'm in Yorkshire today, near Barnsley.
20:34Budgie's from Barnsley.
20:35She is, ain't she?
20:37Nathan and Cathy...
20:39Whoa!
20:40Wow, look at him.
20:41..got six-year-old Rio...
20:44..as a puppy.
20:45Oh, he's too big, isn't he?
20:47I wouldn't want to feed that, I tell you.
20:49Couldn't fault her.
20:50No.
20:51He's a fantastic dog with a strange personality.
20:54Dave had a strange personality.
20:56Oh, Dave was gorgeous.
20:58Come on, big lad.
20:59Now a 15-stone adult.
21:01Ooh!
21:0315-stone!
21:04I'm not far off.
21:06I'm not, Mum.
21:08Come on.
21:09Come on, Rick.
21:10Rio.
21:10He takes some manoeuvring about at times.
21:13Come on now, big boy.
21:14Bad he does, eh?
21:15He don't want to get out the car.
21:16He don't want to go out.
21:17Come on, Rio.
21:18No, no, don't plan cake, please.
21:20He knows this is the bet.
21:22Which one of ours was it?
21:23It was Bobba.
21:23He knew when he was at the vets.
21:26He didn't like getting out of the car at the vets either.
21:29No, Rio, please.
21:31Look!
21:32I don't think saying please, Rio, is going to do any good, do you?
21:36No.
21:36I don't like going to the dentist.
21:38Exactly.
21:38It's the equivalent.
21:39Yeah.
21:39I remember I've had to get in and pull you out like this a couple of times.
21:42Yeah.
21:42To get a filling.
21:44Rio.
21:45And that's not the only issue.
21:47What else is there?
21:48Oh, God, there's more.
21:49Or he will not walk upstairs for anybody.
21:53Oh, golly.
21:54Oh, golly.
21:55He's a pain in the neck, isn't he?
21:57He's stubborn, isn't he, that dog?
21:59Even at home where bedrooms are up them.
22:02You know what they need there?
22:03It's stainless.
22:04What, for the dog?
22:05Yeah.
22:08Graham's meeting Rio.
22:09Come on.
22:10At his vets' car park.
22:12Morning.
22:13Come on, Graham.
22:14Sort this Rio out.
22:15So what do you do, eventually, to get him out?
22:18How does this end?
22:19Come on.
22:20Yeah, you've got to, yeah.
22:21And then we drag him.
22:22Pull him?
22:22Pull him.
22:23And then he pulls his arms out.
22:25Or to pull him out on the road.
22:26Gee, what a plava.
22:28Just down the road, there's another car park.
22:30Oh, what is this one that you don't like?
22:34Oh, we're using the push and pull technique now, are we?
22:37Oh, yeah.
22:38Oh, you're not there in the end.
22:39Oh, my goodness, Mary.
22:41Poor Cathy.
22:42You know, think about it.
22:43She's retired, and this is the shit she's having to do here.
22:45She's on all fours in the back of a bilingo.
22:47Yeah.
22:47Not how she plans to spend her retirement out.
22:51So, basically, anywhere you go, he just refuses to get out?
22:54No, not really.
22:55There's one place he will go.
22:57Where's that?
22:57The pub?
22:59That's where I'd go.
23:00And that's the pub.
23:01Oh, the pub.
23:05He knows where he's going, doesn't he?
23:06Yeah.
23:07Good Lord.
23:08Look at that, it's straight in.
23:09There's a spring in his step now.
23:11There's always dog treats in the pub, that's the thing.
23:14There is dog treats in the pub.
23:15You're right there, Sean.
23:18Can I have his usual, please?
23:20His usual.
23:21Which is?
23:22What's he getting?
23:26He's giving him crisps.
23:27Back at the house, Graham had some pub treats for Rio to get him up the stairs.
23:32Now, remember, we need to hit this with a bit of pub energy.
23:35Pub energy.
23:37Come on, pub energy.
23:39Come on, everybody.
23:40Give it pub.
23:41Come on, Rio.
23:42Rio, come on.
23:43Come on, Rio.
23:44He's wearing it up.
23:45And, Bob, Bob, come on.
23:47Rio, come on.
23:48Come on.
23:49Yay.
23:49Come on.
23:50Come on.
23:50Yay.
23:51You can do it.
23:52Yay.
23:53Come on, we're doing it now.
24:04And who would have thought by feeding a dog treats, it would actually do what you want.
24:09It would do, exactly.
24:09Never come across that.
24:17No, I'm just doing an inquest about this pork pie, Nuttie.
24:22Oh, yes.
24:22Are you pleased with it?
24:23Um, sadly, no.
24:25Giles and his wife, Mary.
24:27And I'm not being funny nor nothing, Mary, but that is not a proper pork pie.
24:32So what?
24:33It's nicer than a pork pie.
24:35It's sophisticated.
24:36It's called a pork and pickle pie, which should immediately send red lights buzzing in anyone's head.
24:46It's soggy.
24:47Oh, you horrible man.
24:48Stop touching it.
24:50I'm going to take it away.
24:51It's soggy.
24:52If you're ungrateful, there are a hundred men who would say,
24:55ooh, that's a sophisticated take on a pork pie, Mary.
24:59I'm going to have that.
25:01You're not having it again.
25:03On Monday, the police were on patrol again on Channel 5.
25:08I think you'd be quite a good interceptor.
25:10I think if I was the driver and you were giving me directions, we would intercept a lot of criminals.
25:15Oh, yeah.
25:16If I was the driver and you were giving direction, we'd end up in Wales.
25:20Intercepting a ditch.
25:21Yeah.
25:25Do you know the reason why I couldn't be a police officer?
25:28Too short.
25:30No.
25:31I wouldn't be able to remember my collar number.
25:33That's not very nice, I'm just saying.
25:37There's a van that's just hit the camera at Alfred Street.
25:41Oh, the old AMPR's triggered off.
25:43What's that?
25:44Automatic number plate recognition.
25:46Get you.
25:47Good work in the police.
25:48It's a comments marker.
25:50I think I put it on a few days ago.
25:52The vehicle's in a bad condition.
25:54Uh-oh.
25:55I didn't know Alistair Campbell had joined the police.
25:57It's a white van.
25:59While I was off duty, I noticed that the windscreen was all smashed.
26:03Goes to bed, wearing the badge.
26:04Welly Road, my sister's shop used to be on there.
26:06Oh, is that where it was?
26:07There we go.
26:08It's her, isn't it?
26:11After a few minutes, Michael arrives in the area the van last triggered AMPR.
26:17Oh, he's going to find him if it kills him.
26:19Yeah, he's looking.
26:20Yeah, Michael's going to have him.
26:24There it is.
26:25So he lights him up and the chap complies.
26:28Comply or die.
26:29OK, so the reason I'm stopping you, obviously your windscreen's smashed.
26:33Oh, I've had that before.
26:35It literally happened this morning.
26:36No, it didn't.
26:37Oh, porcupines.
26:39Oh, he's a chancer, ain't he?
26:40Oh, it just happened this morning, that.
26:42Stone on the road.
26:44It's got no MOT and no tax.
26:45No MOT.
26:48I love it, the way he's going.
26:50Are you sure?
26:51I wouldn't say that, you see.
26:53I would say it's a fair cop, Galvin.
26:55You've got me bang to rights.
26:58Right, because your tax has expired and it's out of date by three months or more,
27:03it gives us the power to seize your vehicle.
27:05Take it, it's smashed anywhere.
27:06I'd give him it and say, yeah, take it, mate.
27:09While the driver gathers his things...
27:11Michael's going to have him for fly tipping in a minute.
27:13I think so.
27:15And break that word, is it?
27:17It does not work.
27:19The handbrake of it.
27:20What the hell have he been doing?
27:23There's nothing on that at all.
27:25That's the handbrake?
27:27Or it's not the handbrake.
27:29Yeah.
27:29It's like Fred Flintstone's car.
27:31Yeah.
27:32Does he even start now?
27:33How does the van start?
27:35He's got to wiggle it a bit, lad.
27:37Yeah.
27:37Shake it.
27:38Give it a jimmy and then rock right to left and the engine will start, yeah.
27:42Oh, my God, it's a shed on bloody wheels, that thing.
27:45So, those are the details you need to give to get your vehicle back, all right?
27:48Thank you very much.
27:49All right?
27:50Good luck to you.
27:51Have an O.C.
27:52Our policies require them to have a valid M.O.T. and tax.
27:56Oh.
27:57He's got a hat trick here.
27:59His mate, he was driving.
28:00Yeah.
28:00So, I was saying that the vehicle is taxed and M.O.T.'d.
28:03If it is not, it immediately invalidates his cover.
28:06You know, he's like, yes, yes, yes, yes.
28:08So, he's not insured now.
28:10Oh, my God.
28:10Oh, God.
28:11The driver pleaded guilty to no insurance, no M.O.T. and driving a dangerous vehicle.
28:16What does he get, then?
28:17He got six points on his license and over £1,700 in fines.
28:22£1,700 in fines.
28:25Shit, a brick.
28:26It's more than the van's worth.
28:31You can just have the van offset it against the van.
28:34I'm going to par-text the van on my vines.
28:38In the Cotswolds...
28:40Oh, my God.
28:41The tiredness in my body knows no bounds today.
28:44Well, the tiredness in his body, but he's to blame.
28:47He's completely to blame.
28:49I don't know what that was about until 4.30 in the morning last night.
28:52Andrew and his husband, Alfie.
28:54Were you literally up all night with him?
28:56Yes, pretty much.
28:57OK, this is not funny, Pablo.
28:59Yeah, I need a nap, kid.
29:00Excuse me.
29:00Pablo.
29:01Hello.
29:01Wake up.
29:02I'm not surprised he's like that.
29:03Pablo, are you interested in watching television?
29:07Earth to Pablo.
29:08Not happening.
29:10That should be me.
29:12On Friday, it was all eyes on Burnham and a by-election on BBC News.
29:18He should come out.
29:19Go on, go on out.
29:21He ain't hearing.
29:22He is.
29:22What are you flipping about with?
29:24He's not there.
29:25In Southern Ireland, there is such a small community that the news is genuinely interesting.
29:32And they would have somebody on saying,
29:34a woman's car broke down in Blanchardstown yesterday at 3 o'clock.
29:42And a very kind man stopped and helped her to get it going again.
29:47When she got home, she found his jacket in the back of the car.
29:51She's no idea what his name was.
29:54If you're watching, would you come forward?
29:56And then by the end of the programme, the man whose car it was would have rung in.
30:01Yes.
30:01Do they all speak as if they've got a Jamaican accent?
30:05Jamaicans and Irish are very similar.
30:06Jamaicans and Irish are very similar.
30:09Good evening and welcome to the BBC News at 6.
30:12A lorry driver parked his car on O'Connell Street yesterday.
30:15Just left it for a minute.
30:17But while he was gone, somebody stole his mobile phone with his last pictures of his daughter on them.
30:23Would you give it back?
30:24The Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham, has tonight been given permission by Labour's ruling body,
30:31the National Executive Committee, to stand in the Makerfield by-election.
30:36Which is what he was hoping for.
30:37It's happening.
30:38Because he can't go for Prime Minister if he isn't an MP.
30:40Yeah, it's a bit tricky, that one.
30:42After he was blocked from taking part in another by-election earlier this year.
30:46Oh, he was, Shane, that's right.
30:47He would have won there as well.
30:48He had blocked him.
30:49Team Burnham, so we want him doing all right across the country.
30:52The Labour MP, Josh Simons, announced he was stepping down yesterday
30:56to give Andy Burnham a chance to make it back to the Commons.
30:59Don't you find it all quite creepy and weird, this?
31:02Because the chap's had to give up, hasn't he?
31:04Said, right, I'll give up and you can stand in my seat.
31:07Yeah.
31:07Allowing him then to challenge Sir Keir Starmer for the leadership.
31:11Yeah, but he has to win that seat.
31:13It's not guaranteed, is it?
31:14No, no.
31:15Of course he'll win that seat.
31:17He's the king of the north.
31:18Get ready for an almighty by-election race.
31:21Oh, dear.
31:22A bit smaller shorts, aren't they?
31:24Andy Burnham has been given the green light
31:26to apply to be Labour's candidate.
31:28He's doing the old Boris Johnson method,
31:32running in tiny shorts.
31:33It worked for him?
31:35I don't know if it did.
31:36I'd be fuming if someone caught me like that, honestly.
31:40You've got to give it to him, though.
31:41His calves are really good.
31:43Are they not?
31:44Look at them.
31:45David, all right?
31:46Good to see you, ma'am.
31:47The mayor of Greater Manchester is popular with Labour's left.
31:50Well, he's popular with that one man.
31:51Good to see you, ma'am.
31:52Yeah.
31:52They've got one.
31:53It's quite a feat to nail a handshake on an escalator going the other way.
31:58We think he could turn things around for the government
32:00and could soon be challenging Keir Starmer for the keys to Downing Street.
32:05I think Burnham's done a decent job around Manchester.
32:07He stopped the congestion charging.
32:09That's good enough for me.
32:10That would have cost a silly money every day.
32:12Now he made the buses better.
32:13The Prime Minister wants you to think he's getting on with the job.
32:17Ah, wants you to think he's getting on with the job.
32:19He really wants you to think that.
32:21But actually, the economic indicators over the last few weeks are bloody good.
32:26The country, GDP, had gone up and waiting times on the NHS had gone down.
32:32So it's like just quietly getting on with it.
32:33There's a lot of stuff that needs fixing.
32:35Do we really need to be messing about with a bloody leadership change?
32:38No.
32:38We don't, do we?
32:39I don't think.
32:40In Makerfield today, Labour were out campaigning already.
32:42You'd be buzzed if you were from Makerfield, wouldn't you?
32:45Putting your town on map.
32:46Be chance to get your head on telly.
32:48Exactly.
32:49You'd be up and down High Street, wouldn't you, all the time?
32:51Trying to get someone to throw a mic at you so you can give an opinion.
32:55Including Josh Simons, the man who's standing down
32:57to give Andy Burnham a route back into Parliament.
33:00It depends on how many people turn out on the day,
33:02how much they're interested.
33:03But saying that, this is building up a lot of interest in it
33:06so people will come out to vote now, won't they?
33:07Hopefully.
33:08Because this could be like country-changing leadership.
33:10A bumpy week for Labour, the government and the country
33:13is unlikely to be the last.
33:15I just think, are we ever going to have a Prime Minister
33:19do the full term that they've been elected for?
33:22It'd be nice, wouldn't it?
33:23It'd be nice for a change, yeah.
33:25The pound is plummeting and they're going to throw the country
33:28into disarray when there's a global stage we should be standing on.
33:32And yes, Keir Starmer is boring, but it's early on.
33:35Just let him get on with it, because no-one else at this stage
33:39is going to make it any better.
33:40No, they're not.
33:41They're going to probably make it worse.
33:50In Blackpool.
33:52Hey, Soph.
33:53You know how Paige's been begging me
33:54to get rid of the three-wheel van out of the garage?
33:56Have you sold it?
33:57No.
33:58No, she's never getting sold.
34:00But I've been able to put it in a lock-up.
34:03Pete and his little sister Sophie.
34:06I've managed to get it in the back of a long-wheelbase transit van.
34:08Jesus Christ.
34:10Almost like a Russian doll set up.
34:12Straight in the back of a van.
34:13Van in a van.
34:14Yeah.
34:15So we lifted it straight in.
34:17It was dead easy.
34:18But to get it out, we thought, oh, well, we'll just roll it out.
34:22So we put the two planks either side to wheel it out.
34:26Only we'd forgotten that it was three wheels.
34:28Yeah, what about the middle wheel?
34:29Well, that's for pushing it out the back of the van.
34:33Oh, no.
34:35It just went.
34:37On Thursday night, the end was in sight for these backpackers on BBC One.
34:43Watch out, Ben.
34:44Beep, beep.
34:45Race across the world.
34:46Sit.
34:46It's now not race across the world, Sophie.
34:49It's the final race.
34:50Final race across the world.
34:52I mean, could you imagine me doing race across the world, Steve?
34:59I'd have to get taxis everywhere, and then where would I...
35:04Taxi?
35:04Limbo?
35:05Let's do this, man.
35:065am.
35:07Departing as race leaders for the second time...
35:10Thank you so much.
35:11...Joe and Kush.
35:12Wrong.
35:12This is it.
35:13This is the last leg now, isn't it?
35:15Last leg.
35:16Do you know these are real good mates, these, so...
35:18Yeah, they are.
35:19They've got each other through it, I think.
35:21Hot girl.
35:21Let's go.
35:25Hot girl.
35:26Hot girl.
35:27Hot girl, where the hell's that?
35:29Mongolia.
35:30The boys plan to swing east, taking a chance on connections
35:33from the capital to Mongolia's second-largest city, Erdoganet.
35:38That's the route I'd take.
35:39The train?
35:40Well, where you're well connected.
35:43It's a bit like sometimes you've just got to go into London
35:44to get back out.
35:46Exactly.
35:46Do you know what I mean?
35:47Yeah.
35:47I'm trying the overnight train to Erdoganet.
35:51What the hell?
35:52Oh, oh, oh, what's the matter?
35:53Don't tell me they're all cancelled.
35:54What are you thinking?
35:55There's no trains they can get tonight.
35:57No trains they can get tonight.
35:59God.
36:00Did you get a bus?
36:00A bus?
36:01A bus?
36:02A bus?
36:02A bus?
36:04Make me.
36:07No?
36:08A train ticket.
36:09Only train ticket.
36:10This is really a case of computer says no, Mattie, isn't it?
36:13Yeah.
36:14They've dropped a bollock here, so if this could be the difference
36:16between winning or losing this, you know.
36:18Andrew and Molly have pushed into the lead
36:20by arriving into Tetsam Lake.
36:22Oh, they've gone the other route.
36:24OK, they've overtaken them.
36:26Yeah.
36:26This is going to be close.
36:28Can we ask you a really important question?
36:30We need to get to Jaggerland.
36:32Jaggerland.
36:32They are enlisting the help of guest house owner
36:35and tour operator, Murray.
36:37Oh, now that's clever.
36:38A tour operator.
36:39He's going to know what he's doing, doesn't he?
36:41Andrew and Molly, jammy, aren't they?
36:43Landed right on their feet with him, haven't they?
36:45That's a dare.
36:47That is Jaggerland.
36:48OK.
36:48Yeah.
36:49Hang on.
36:49That's Jaggerland.
36:50Yes.
36:51So is that.
36:51How many Jaggerlands are there?
36:53Oh, there's loads of them.
36:54What, all the same name?
36:55Yeah.
36:56Throughout Mongolia, it's common for places to share the same name,
37:00Jaggerland being especially popular.
37:03There's loads.
37:05Well, how do you know which bleeding Jaggerland you're going to go?
37:08Well, I suppose you've got to go for the one in the middle.
37:10Middle Jaggerland.
37:11Yeah, it's that middle one.
37:12Take me direct to middle Jaggerland.
37:13You're not going to go over to the right, are you?
37:15Fuck right, Jaggerland.
37:19Oh, my goodness.
37:21This is travelling game.
37:22Oh, my God, look at that road.
37:24Well, that's a bone shaker, isn't it?
37:26Tracy, you'd be as sick as a dog.
37:28Oh, yeah, very in the middle of nowhere.
37:31Andrew and Molly have arrived in Jaggerland.
37:33Oh, they're there.
37:35Jaggerland.
37:35Here we go.
37:41I hope this is the right Jaggerland.
37:45So do I.
37:49Oh!
37:51Oh, no!
37:51It's took him to the wrong one.
37:53It's took him to the wrong one.
37:54No!
37:55Well, I mean, there was five.
37:57It's easy done.
37:58Where is he?
38:00I don't understand.
38:01I mean, I don't understand either,
38:03but I know you're in the wrong friggin' place.
38:05We pointed to the right one,
38:06I think, on the map last night.
38:08This is where the blame game starts now.
38:11The dad's that mad.
38:12He's just gone silent.
38:13She's the mouthpiece in this.
38:15He's gone nonverbal.
38:16Are we in the wrong one?
38:17You guys pointed to the map.
38:19That's where we want to go.
38:20You know what?
38:21You won't be the first.
38:21You won't be the last.
38:22Let's mix up your Jaggerlands.
38:23Surely, now they have to rethink what they're doing.
38:26Oh, yeah.
38:26They can't be staying in Jaggerland anymore.
38:28No, no.
38:28Jaggerlands, I know, go now.
38:30They'll have to go to Jaggerland instead.
38:32Yeah.
38:35Later in the programme,
38:36after getting things back on track,
38:38both teams were closing in on the finish line.
38:42Let's go.
38:43Let's go.
38:45I see you, Katie.
38:46I'm coming in!
38:47Right, come on!
38:48Who's in front?
38:49Is that...
38:49Is that the end?
38:50Molly and Andrew.
38:51I can't tell.
38:52No, no.
38:52I can't tell.
38:53I think it's Joe and Chris, Jane.
38:55Is this it, bro?
38:57Oh, it's their lead.
38:58They're nearly there.
38:59Oh, they're the best team win.
39:01Yeah.
39:02I feel like that's it.
39:03I feel like that's it.
39:04I think that's the boys.
39:05It's the boys.
39:05It's the boys.
39:06Are they first?
39:07Well, let's see.
39:08When they open the book.
39:08Oh, if you open that book
39:10and there's another name in it,
39:11you'd miss it, wouldn't you?
39:12You've successfully reached the finish line.
39:14Peace and no relief.
39:15I'm fine if you won the race.
39:17Yeah, but are they the first?
39:18Who's the first?
39:18Who's first?
39:19Who's first?
39:19Oh, turn it over.
39:21I know, it's killing me,
39:22the suspension.
39:23I know, yeah.
39:23Come on.
39:24Three, two, one.
39:27They won.
39:28Oh!
39:31Oh, fantastic, boys.
39:33Oh, my God!
39:36You won.
39:38No!
39:39Well, they deserve to win, though.
39:40Well, you need to sign up first,
39:42you cretins.
39:42Yeah, because someone could come up
39:43behind you while you're larking around.
39:45I think if I would have won £10,000
39:50at 19 years old,
39:53it would have been blown
39:55in River Island and on Jagerbots.
39:57I feel sorry for Joe and Cush here
39:59because there's not going to be
40:01a Weatherspoons round there
40:02to celebrate in.
40:06In Leeds...
40:07I'm practising my waitress skills.
40:09Look.
40:10Danielle, are you stressing me out?
40:11Why?
40:12Keep it sensible.
40:13Oh, God.
40:13You know what?
40:13You ruin all the fun.
40:15I don't ruin the fun.
40:16I just like to play it safe.
40:17Best friends Danielle and Daniela.
40:20Show me.
40:21How would you carry them?
40:22Show me.
40:23You only had two.
40:24And a mug.
40:26So you hold it like that
40:28and then you see these two here?
40:29That's a stable...
40:31Yeah?
40:32Oh, piss off.
40:38On Sunday night,
40:40a bunch of Gen Zs
40:41were swapping their lives
40:42for something completely different
40:44on Channel 5.
40:45If somebody took off a mallet,
40:47they'd love it.
40:47Oh, yeah.
40:48They wouldn't want to go back
40:48to the normal life.
40:50They're likely being a lazy bastard.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:57Is this that film
40:58with that man in it
41:01where the train places...
41:02No.
41:03If you had to trade places,
41:05who would you trade places with?
41:09With Nitro's wife.
41:12Jesus, huh?
41:13Yeah.
41:14You didn't take long enough
41:15to think about that.
41:16That was instantaneous, that was.
41:18Yeah, I know.
41:19Bang!
41:19Yeah.
41:22Steeped in history and tradition,
41:25Christ College Brecon
41:26is among the most prestigious
41:28boarding schools in the country.
41:29It's so prestigious,
41:30we haven't heard of it yet.
41:31I think it's quite prestigious in Wales.
41:34And it's about to welcome
41:36three new students
41:37who'd written school off.
41:39This is like the real-life boarders.
41:40Yeah.
41:41I'm not an academic person at all.
41:43I get easily distracted.
41:45That's like me.
41:46Hmm.
41:47I like to question authority.
41:48If I don't understand why
41:49I'll tell them to do something,
41:50I'm just not going to do it.
41:51Whoa, this is going to be interesting.
41:53I love these shows, man.
41:54That's going to go down well
41:55in the private school.
41:57I used to get in trouble
41:58just from talking too much.
42:00Me too.
42:01Yeah, I'm like all of these children
42:03in the back of this car.
42:04Just all mixed into one.
42:05They're going to mix with people
42:07that want to do well.
42:08Which might brush off.
42:10Exactly.
42:11Christ College is run by
42:12headmaster Mr Pearson.
42:14He looks rather fierce.
42:16A no-nonsense former Royal Marine.
42:18Oh, bloody hell.
42:19Who leads the school
42:20with a cast-own belief
42:21in the Brecon way.
42:23People are like dogs.
42:25Dogs need to be trained
42:26and disciplined and punished
42:28and people need to be punished too
42:30if they're not working.
42:31For a prospective family
42:32looking to buy this education,
42:34that could be a £250,000
42:36over £5,000 or £60,000.
42:37A lot of money.
42:38What?
42:39How much?
42:40£50,000 a year?
42:41That's more than me house is worth.
42:44You'll come here for breakfast,
42:45lunch and supper.
42:46Breakfast is quite early, by the way.
42:487.30.
42:497.30am?
42:50Yeah.
42:51A.M.
42:52It's breakfast.
42:53She's literally doing the maths.
42:54She's like,
42:54I'm going to have to get up at 4am
42:55so I can get my edges laid.
42:57The next day,
42:58after an early start,
43:00it was off to assembly.
43:02Got to be on time.
43:03I'm actually going to die.
43:04I think the discipline
43:05might be hard for them.
43:07Shall I be able to take your coat off?
43:09Yeah, thank you.
43:10It's just that you're the only one
43:12and you don't want to stand out.
43:13I think she does want to stand out.
43:16That is her aim.
43:18Well, can you take your cape off?
43:20I'd be saying you've got a cape on some.
43:22Why is it so formal?
43:24They all come walking in
43:25in a straight line.
43:26That would not happen at high school.
43:27She can't understand
43:28why the other children are disciplined.
43:29She's never seen disciplined children before.
43:32Yeah.
43:33No one's like,
43:34Oh, yeah, yeah, high five.
43:36Oh, my days.
43:37Now, you may have noticed
43:38that we've got three brave young people
43:40that are going to join us
43:41as pupils for the week.
43:44Oh, my God, I'm going to die.
43:46So, in no particular order,
43:48we have Shadia.
43:51She's like, wait.
43:53Where you going to do that?
43:56Danny and Molly do come down.
43:59Oh, my God.
44:00Oh, my God, they're bringing them down.
44:02Oh, put the spotlights on them as well.
44:05Oh, snap.
44:06A new person.
44:12You're getting a good reception.
44:14This is what poor children look like.
44:16Please come to the front.
44:18Oh, my God, that's fine.
44:19Oh, my God, that's fine.
44:20Oh, my God, that's fine.
44:21Oh, my God, that's fine.
44:21Later on, we saw the visiting students join an English lesson.
44:25We're going to continue our study of Thomas Hardy's poems
44:28that he wrote in the wake of the death of his wife.
44:31Who's that?
44:31I didn't know Tom Hardy, the actor.
44:34I know a lot about him.
44:37I want you to write on the window or the board just what stands out to you.
44:42On the window?
44:43I think he's saying he's, like, gone crazy because she's dead.
44:45For Shadia, this way of learning is a game changer.
44:49Is she liking this now?
44:51We were writing on, like, the windows and stuff.
44:53It was different.
44:54No wonder why they get better results in boarding school.
44:56Because they wait on the windows?
44:57No, because they just do a different method.
44:59Oh.
45:00Hardy is tired of feeling the grief of losing Emma.
45:03Go on, Shadia.
45:04Ew, she's interested now.
45:06However, this is a paradox of grief as he pairs the word with craze,
45:10which contradicts himself.
45:12Fucking hell.
45:13What the heck?
45:15Mate, she's quite clever.
45:17Mic drop.
45:19My God said mic drop in front of the teacher.
45:22Yeah, well.
45:22I like that.
45:22Yeah.
45:23I can do this.
45:24I can do this.
45:24I can do this.
45:25Yeah.
45:26In this environment.
45:27This suits me.
45:28But it costs 50 grand.
45:30Do you know, I love my children.
45:33Do I love them quarter of a million quid apiece?
45:35For education?
45:38No.
45:39I don't think I do.