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Short filmTranscript
00:00:18single file stay to the right of the line take your time take a good look
00:00:26hey are you sure they can't see us one-way mirror ma'am picture in three two one
00:00:40girls hit back when you least expect where you most regret it
00:01:15a heinous crime has been committed here
00:01:18should you decide that your testimony might jeopardize your personal safety look sibowitz
00:01:22i said i'd tell you everything just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in
00:01:30let's start with the one that thinks her shit don't stink diane weston
00:01:36she's like a goddamn poster child for high school
00:01:40morning sunshine remember these are the best days of your life
00:01:47so far she's the a squad captain she stole that title from me
00:01:51you should charge her with that all right girls let's take it from the top
00:01:56and one and two and one and two one and two hi bruce you look cute
00:02:02tommy hill figure hoping fourth year's a charm
00:02:11is that you
00:02:16i lost a little weight
00:02:19wow this really should have been my year i had a lot of work done
00:02:23i mean i had done a lot of work over the summer
00:02:27you could tell it made her nervous
00:02:29but they have to you know spread the talent around so
00:02:33i've been on the b squad for four years
00:02:37now the squad as a whole
00:02:39they're closer than carolina cousins
00:02:41i mean some people say they're like lesbos or something but
00:02:45that's just mostly the egg-offs and band
00:02:50truth is they're so close
00:02:53they all get their monthly visit from aunt rose at the same time
00:02:58this one's hannah wold
00:02:59she's like this uber christian doesn't really say much
00:03:03in fact if she wasn't kind of pretty you'd go
00:03:05hey who's the tard
00:03:08then there's cleo miller
00:03:10number one not a real c cup
00:03:13i've been in the locker room
00:03:14and number two
00:03:18she has to see this will shrink
00:03:19she's completely obsessed with conan o'brien
00:03:26dreams
00:03:27you mean like where i'm in conan's all leather apartment
00:03:32i mean i don't know if he has one
00:03:34that's why it's a dream
00:03:36and suddenly
00:03:38we're buck naked and all oiled up
00:03:42i don't know where the oil comes from
00:03:44but again that's why it's a dream
00:03:46then there's kansas hill
00:03:47the original bag seed
00:03:50son of a beautiful bitch
00:03:52i always get this one
00:03:53mouth on her that could stop a bull in hate
00:03:55she gets her nut brain from her mother
00:03:57you see kansas's mom's been in prison
00:03:59ever since the day she was born
00:04:01she was just lying there
00:04:03in labor with kansas
00:04:05when she hears something going on in the next bed
00:04:08turns out
00:04:09it's kansas's dad taking a nurse's temperature
00:04:14stay with me i'm trying to be delicate
00:04:17anyway
00:04:17she whips out a shotgun
00:04:19and blows his ass to kingdom come
00:04:21so she got life without parole
00:04:23and now kansas lives with her grandparents
00:04:25and then there's lucy
00:04:27geek extraordinaire
00:04:29a walking left brain
00:04:31she's supposed to have this genius iq
00:04:34but the truth is
00:04:35she's an obsessive compulsive little freak
00:04:40okay hands in ladies
00:04:45today we're gonna cheer loud
00:04:47jump high
00:04:48and look pretty
00:04:49because
00:04:50cheerleaders kick
00:04:52now let's get going
00:04:53because no one ever got ahead
00:04:54by sitting on their behind
00:04:58school year started off like normal
00:04:59principal smith gave his pep talk
00:05:01if you are approached
00:05:03to buy drugs
00:05:05let someone you trust
00:05:07know
00:05:08if you are thinking
00:05:11of harming yourself
00:05:14or others
00:05:15let someone know
00:05:18if it burns
00:05:21when you urinate
00:05:22have milky seepage
00:05:24or are being touched
00:05:26by an uncle
00:05:28let someone know
00:05:33come on you guys
00:05:34let's hear it for the lincoln age squad
00:05:39a squad
00:05:40right
00:05:41i was doing better dance numbers in grade school
00:05:44it really burned my toast
00:05:46let's hear it for the l mae a little bit
00:06:14great
00:06:14mjo
00:06:24Now I know it's my duty to give you all the facts, so I'm going to have to say that
00:06:30their
00:06:30chair blew like a bulimic after Christmas dinner, and their blatant disregard for National
00:06:39High School Cheerleading Association rules made me sick.
00:06:44Basket toss flips and wolf wall pyramids over two people high are strictly prohibited.
00:06:55I made a complete report and sent it in.
00:07:16Hey, go Lincoln!
00:07:20Hey, go Lincoln!
00:07:23Hey, go Lincoln!
00:07:27And finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for.
00:07:30Transferring from Truman High, the new star quarterback of our mighty fighting Lincoln, Jack Barklett!
00:07:40That's what Jack and Diane met.
00:07:42Nobody saw it coming.
00:07:44Especially not Jack.
00:08:02Jack was fine.
00:08:04Oh man, was he fine.
00:08:07It was like he was a bar of chocolate and the whole school was on the rag.
00:08:12Everyone wanted a piece of him.
00:08:15Jack Bartlett.
00:08:18Jack Bartlett.
00:08:20Jack Bartlett.
00:08:21Jack Bartlett.
00:08:23Is Jack Bartlett interested in me?
00:08:27I'm sorry, can someone else please run the board?
00:08:29It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
00:08:34Hannah, in order to get real answers from the netherworld, you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board.
00:08:39Your kind is pure of heart, the devil won't dick with you.
00:08:42Well, uh, technically I don't think I'm a virgin anymore.
00:08:45What?
00:08:46At church camp this summer?
00:08:48I'm pretty sure I had, you know, my first orgasm.
00:08:51Hold up, any sentence that starts with at church camp ain't leading to the big O.
00:08:56That's not true.
00:08:57Those pictures of Christ all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross always kind of made me, huh?
00:09:05Well, I want to know what happened.
00:09:07Okay, well, one night round sunset I went horseback riding with the nuns.
00:09:11They went every night.
00:09:12And we're trotting pretty hard, you know.
00:09:15All of a sudden I feel...
00:09:17I feel just super alive, you know?
00:09:21Maybe I'll just ask the question myself.
00:09:26Is Jack Bartlett interested in me?
00:09:31Yes.
00:09:36Hey man, is this thing on?
00:09:39Okay, I'm just here to announce my can see for the homecoming queen.
00:09:44Um, I plan to spread the word on 4-H.
00:09:48It's all about the cows, man. It's all about-
00:09:50Look, I'll be honest with you.
00:09:51Most of us realized we didn't have a horse chance in heaven with Jack the day of the candidate speeches.
00:09:55It's youth and agriculture.
00:10:004-H!
00:10:014-H rules!
00:10:08Good job.
00:10:13Um, as the AV club candidate, I think for the first time in 50 years, we should say no.
00:10:21No.
00:10:21We should- we should say no to a football player as king.
00:10:25Vote brains.
00:10:27Over brawn.
00:10:52It was the first time most of us even heard Jack speak.
00:10:56Thanks.
00:10:57Oh, wow.
00:10:59We weren't disappointed.
00:11:01Okay, guys.
00:11:02Hey, guys.
00:11:03Alright, would you shut up a minute?
00:11:05I was just joking.
00:11:10Well, uh, I just think it really rocks that the football team picked me as their, you know, um, candidate.
00:11:17Yeah.
00:11:20Well, I love you too, lunch ladies.
00:11:26I just want to say that there's only three things I want in life.
00:11:29To someday become a senator of this great state.
00:11:34I want to lead the mighty fight in Lincolns to victory at the homecoming game.
00:11:43And, uh, I want to go to the homecoming dance with Diane Weston.
00:11:53Oh, my God.
00:11:59.
00:12:14Oh, they were like friggin' Barbie and Ken, but without the pink remote control Corvette.
00:12:19Overnight, people were going like, oh, they're the perfect couple.
00:12:23They're so cute.
00:12:26I'm sure it gave the internet wax something to talk about besides Agent Scully and their most recent wet dream.
00:12:34Now, I'm not one to gossip.
00:12:40But I think Jack and Diane got so close so fast because they discovered how much they both loved football.
00:12:49Man, did they love their football.
00:12:52Hey, ho! Let's go! Hey, ho!
00:12:57I don't know about the hey, but ho is right on the money.
00:13:01If they'd asked, I so easily could have helped them out with some new material.
00:13:06Three, two, eight! Three, two, eight!
00:13:24Hey, ho! Let's go! Hey, ho! Let's go! Hey, ho! Let's go!
00:13:41I love you! I love you!
00:14:17You know, right about here is where the real shit started to hit the fan.
00:14:21Don't worry, I'll clean this up a bit if I have to appear in court.
00:14:26Especially if we're on court TV.
00:14:34Excuse me, Vandala.
00:14:36Have you seen Diane?
00:14:37Because we were supposed to go to the homecoming dance tonight.
00:14:40Wow.
00:14:46Baby.
00:14:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this.
00:14:53Oh, my goodness.
00:14:56Look at those two.
00:14:58All right, hold up, hold up.
00:15:00I have an announcement to make.
00:15:01Yeah?
00:15:02Me and Diane.
00:15:03Oh, what the hey?
00:15:06We're getting married.
00:15:08No!
00:15:09Yes!
00:15:10No!
00:15:16But, not before I have our baby.
00:15:24So, when your dad said, I never want to see your effing faces again, do you think he meant forever,
00:15:30forever?
00:15:31Or just until your mom wakes up?
00:15:34I don't know.
00:15:36And what the hell was that sound she made right before she hit the ground?
00:15:43Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that that was the sound of a mother saying goodbye to her
00:15:50little boy
00:15:51and hello to a young man who's going to be a daddy of his own.
00:15:59Jack, do you know what I see here?
00:16:02Spit from your dad?
00:16:04I see a flower.
00:16:06And you know, even the most beautiful flowers still grow from dirt.
00:16:12Yeah.
00:16:13And while we're knee-deep in it right now, and things may seem pretty stinky,
00:16:18in the long run, we're going to grow strong from this.
00:16:23You think?
00:16:24I sure do.
00:16:26Diane.
00:16:29I've loved you since I first saw you.
00:16:33Right before you kicked me in the head.
00:16:35Oh, Jack.
00:16:42Hey.
00:17:02Now, I don't think Diane just up and told the squad about the baby that night,
00:17:07but somehow they managed to figure it out.
00:17:11No, thanks.
00:17:11Don't need one.
00:17:19Someone?
00:17:23Holy shit.
00:17:24You just became a statistic.
00:17:26Oh, my God.
00:17:28I'm not the first.
00:17:29But you're not married.
00:17:31Wait.
00:17:31Did you say you are pregnant or you were pregnant?
00:17:34You had it, threw it out, and now you're going to go back and dance all night?
00:17:38Shut up, Cleo.
00:17:39Di, how much do you need for an abortion?
00:17:42What?
00:17:43No, not an abortion?
00:17:44My church can arrange for you to go to Oregon and take care of a sick aunt for nine months.
00:17:49Then they find your baby a good home, and you come back a little dazed and puffy, but everything's fine.
00:17:54Oh, please, Di, don't be a whore and a murderer.
00:17:59Jack told the team that night, too.
00:18:01Hey, guys, I, uh, I got Diane pregnant.
00:18:05What?
00:18:06All right.
00:18:08You nailed Diane Weston?
00:18:11I'd never wash my Johnson again.
00:18:24I didn't mean to say whore, Diane.
00:18:27It's just that I hear it so much at church, it kind of came flying out of my head.
00:18:31I know, Hannah.
00:18:34Look, I'm not going to get an abortion.
00:18:36I've always planned on getting married and having kids.
00:18:39I'm just going a little out of order.
00:18:43Kind of reminds me of another young lady who found herself with child, unmarried, on a long, long road, with
00:18:54no place to sleep.
00:18:55Of course, that was a long, long time ago.
00:18:59But no matter what, she held her head high and said,
00:19:06Papa, don't preach.
00:19:08I'm in trouble deep.
00:19:11Papa, don't preach.
00:19:13Because I made up my mind.
00:19:16I'm keeping my baby.
00:19:18Yeah, I'm going to keep my baby.
00:19:24A great one.
00:19:26Madonna.
00:19:27We're here for you, Diane.
00:19:31Guys.
00:19:36I'll pray for you every night.
00:19:39I love you.
00:19:40I love you guys.
00:19:42You're the best, Diane.
00:19:43I guess their little fairy tale could have ended there.
00:19:46The only problem was they didn't have a place to live.
00:19:49What?
00:19:50But all of our paperwork's here.
00:19:52My school records and Jack's football records.
00:19:55Let me explain something.
00:19:58No, wait.
00:19:58Did I say, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye that we will never, ever
00:20:02miss a payment?
00:20:03Uh, yes.
00:20:04Yes, you did.
00:20:05I think I know where this one's going.
00:20:08Um, listen, I'm willing to put up my papers on my GTO.
00:20:13Now, she's got a few miles on her, but she looks great.
00:20:17I'm sure, son, but, um...
00:20:19Oh, ow!
00:20:20She's twisting my arm.
00:20:22I'm going to throw in the speakers, too.
00:20:24Why don't you just have your parents come in and get the loan, and then they can give you the
00:20:29money?
00:20:29Hey, with all due respect, ma'am, Jack and Diane Bartlett, do not accept charity.
00:20:36We are two young, able-bodied Americans.
00:20:39We're not looking for a handout.
00:20:41We're looking for a hand up.
00:20:43Give us food and we'll be hungry tomorrow.
00:20:45But give us corn, the kind you plant, not eat.
00:20:49And we'll grow it and, uh, um, cut it and, uh, you know, eat it.
00:21:00Now, if you're interested in giving us a home loan, I will sit back down.
00:21:04If not, have a nice day, ma'am.
00:21:07Sorry, my hands are tied.
00:21:09Oh.
00:21:15But she wouldn't give it to us.
00:21:17Somehow, they managed to find their dream house anyway.
00:21:20More of a dump, if you ask me.
00:21:22We'll take it.
00:21:24Ugh. Fine. Fine. Jesus, settle down, okay?
00:21:27Let's just keep in mind here, I manage the building, okay?
00:21:30I don't, like, own it, and I don't fix shit.
00:21:32And I also don't care if shit breaks, okay?
00:21:34All I care is you little bastards shove the rent under my door on the first.
00:21:39You got that? You understand that?
00:21:41Okay.
00:21:42Oh, yeah. And one more thing.
00:21:44You see any packages outside my door, you leave them the hell alone. Capisce?
00:21:49Well.
00:21:54Two taco grandes.
00:21:57One bean burrito.
00:22:01A large taco chip.
00:22:05And a guacamole.
00:22:10And that'll be...
00:22:1235 cents.
00:22:18We don't really have fried rats in buckets.
00:22:22I know.
00:22:24I checked.
00:22:27You know what?
00:22:28I'm gonna save you the time.
00:22:30I'm not gonna lie.
00:22:31I don't believe in it.
00:22:31If you pick your ass, I'm gonna tell people.
00:22:34I have no idea how to run your register.
00:22:36You're Jack Bartlett, right?
00:22:38Yeah.
00:22:40So you'd be, like, hanging out with us every night after school then, right?
00:22:44Yeah.
00:22:44Well, I mean, after football practice, yeah.
00:22:47Football practice?
00:22:52Phantasmus.
00:22:53Phantasmic.
00:22:53You're so tired.
00:23:03I'm not the top of the world!
00:23:16I'm not the top of the world!
00:23:21Like, Cocoa Puff's good.
00:23:23Captain Crunch's bad.
00:23:24See, it shreds the roof of your mouth.
00:23:25Now, you're not born with that knowledge.
00:23:27You know, I mean, you hear Trix are for kids, and you think, okay, I'm a kid, so I guess
00:23:30they're for me.
00:23:31But, you know, your little baby brain's got no idea that Lucky Charms are, like, a million times better for
00:23:36you.
00:23:36Jack?
00:23:37Hey, pop quiz.
00:23:39If you could be Count Chocula or Trix the Rabbit, who would you be?
00:23:43Uh, Trix.
00:23:46Me too!
00:23:47God, will it never end!
00:23:48I love this lady!
00:23:53Jack, I think I should get a job.
00:23:56No, no, no, but we agreed your job's running the baby machine.
00:23:58I know, but that was before I realized that...
00:24:00Oh, I almost forgot.
00:24:02Gas for the baby machine.
00:24:03I'm gonna get your Snickers, and I'm gonna meet you in line, okay?
00:24:06Okay.
00:24:06I appreciate it.
00:24:07I love you.
00:24:26Hey, Di.
00:24:28Hi, I'm the little professor!
00:24:30Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like this?
00:24:32Yeah, I'll get a little marshmallow.
00:24:33Oh, honey!
00:24:34Oh, I am really sorry.
00:24:37Jack!
00:24:44I never knew you dreamed of working in a grocery store bank branch.
00:24:48Baby, we are living the great American dream.
00:24:51Mm-hmm!
00:24:52If you're ripped to the stars, you're bound to step.
00:24:56Mm-hmm!
00:24:57Jack, pull over!
00:24:58Huh?
00:24:58Pull over!
00:24:59Oh, Jesus!
00:25:00Ugh!
00:25:05Ugh!
00:25:06Why do they call it morning sickness?
00:25:09It's okay.
00:25:10Get it all out.
00:25:11Do you have any breath mints?
00:25:13Oh.
00:25:15So she's in my hands, right?
00:25:17Warm to the touch.
00:25:19Now, it's at that second that I think I control her.
00:25:22You know, she's mine.
00:25:23But it's a false illusion.
00:25:25You know, it's like in that movie Backdraft.
00:25:28No man controls fire.
00:25:32So she's ready.
00:25:34I'm ready.
00:25:35She's ready.
00:25:37I yell.
00:25:404258.
00:25:41Hey!
00:25:44Touchdown.
00:25:54Well, we're moving.
00:26:22I need a place to keep this.
00:26:23So if anyone asks, what do you know?
00:26:26That's right.
00:26:26You don't know shit.
00:26:30It's a cry, I'm fire.
00:26:33Yeah, I'm standing on the rooftop, shout it out.
00:26:36Baby, I'm ready to go.
00:26:39I'm fight, I'm ready to go.
00:26:43From the rooftop, shout it out.
00:26:45It's a cry, I'm fire.
00:26:47Yeah, I'm standing on the rooftop, shout it out.
00:26:50Baby, I'm ready to go.
00:26:53I'm fight, I'm ready to go.
00:26:57From the rooftop, shout it out.
00:27:01Baby, I'm ready to go.
00:27:05Come on, Jack, you promised.
00:27:10Okay, one question.
00:27:11Oh, be, be, be.
00:27:12Mine's great.
00:27:14Proceed, Dungeon Masterquat.
00:27:17Okay, Jack, you know how you and Diane slept together?
00:27:23Yeah.
00:27:25Well, now that you can't sleep together, but you still sleep together, don't you ever get
00:27:30just like super horny?
00:27:32And if so, how horny?
00:27:36I'll be quiet now so I can listen to your answer.
00:27:38Yeah, Jack.
00:27:41I'd love to hear your answer.
00:27:44The answer's easy.
00:27:46Oh, uh, Lolita is due back tomorrow.
00:27:49Same for nine and a half weeks.
00:27:51And ditto on wild things.
00:27:57Guys, I'm gonna be a dad.
00:28:00Dads don't get horny.
00:28:04To the kids at school, Jack and Diane had it all.
00:28:07I mean, come on.
00:28:08Their own apartment, staying up late, eating whatever they wanted.
00:28:11Plus, Jack was getting a discount on R-rated movies at the video store.
00:28:16Hello, reality check.
00:28:18School, practice, work, and Lamaze class.
00:28:22It was really starting to take its toll.
00:28:25Two, four, six, eight.
00:28:28Party, make it hot, two, eight.
00:28:31F-I-H-T
00:28:34Fight!
00:28:35Lincoln, fight!
00:28:46Fight!
00:29:08Okay, so they won state.
00:29:10B.F.D.
00:29:12The best part was Diane was really starting to look like shit.
00:29:17Diane?
00:29:19Diane!
00:29:21I'm under the ice!
00:29:23I'm under the ice!
00:29:32Oh, man, that was a weird one.
00:29:35Another sex dream?
00:29:37Wayne Gretzky.
00:29:39Patrick?
00:29:39He is the great one.
00:29:42Oh, my God.
00:29:44You've been robbed!
00:29:46Nope.
00:29:47I've been pregnant.
00:29:49Diane, are you okay?
00:29:50We can skip the girl party this week.
00:29:54Everything's fine.
00:29:55I'm just having a little trouble turning my frown upside down.
00:30:00You want us to help you pick up?
00:30:03Don't, Martha, freaking stort me.
00:30:07You don't like it, you try being a pregnant teen.
00:30:13Lyndon!
00:30:14Go with them!
00:30:15Behind the vault, man!
00:30:15Go, go!
00:30:17Who's Mr. Duggan?
00:30:19Mr. Duggan, do you want to open the vault?
00:30:22Or do you want me to do?
00:30:23Do whatever they want, Terry.
00:30:26Pick up, King!
00:30:27I'm confused.
00:30:29Papas knew the bank robbers were surfers because he saw a tan line?
00:30:35Luz, it's point, Blake.
00:30:36Just shut up and look at Keanu.
00:30:39Di, what would you do if you were in a hold-up?
00:30:41Well, I guess I'd...
00:30:46I'd give them all the money they could hold and wish them a good life.
00:30:49Because the Beatles were wrong.
00:30:52Love isn't all you need.
00:30:54Love won't pay the rent.
00:30:56Love won't buy my baby diapers.
00:30:58And love sure as hell won't buy me my new Dolce & Gabbana jeans when I lose my baby weight.
00:31:05Pretty soon, we'll be broke and I'll just be another badass wearing chick jeans.
00:31:12Okay, put the Snickers down.
00:31:14Come kick it over here.
00:31:16Wait a minute.
00:31:17Freeze that, freeze that.
00:31:18You're calling too much time!
00:31:20Yeah.
00:31:21Can you imagine Conan's head on Keanu's body?
00:31:25Unstoppable.
00:31:27No!
00:31:27That's it!
00:31:28A bank robbery.
00:31:29A big pile of money and my little family to be could get our heads above water.
00:31:33Oh my God, I read about this.
00:31:35It's called Pregnancy Insanity.
00:31:36Look, I might be moody, I might be gassy, but I am perfectly sane.
00:31:43Think about it.
00:31:44In school, they tell us dreams can come true.
00:31:47Right?
00:31:47Right.
00:31:48But they don't tell us how.
00:31:51Thanks to Keanu, I figured it out.
00:31:55Money makes your dreams come true.
00:31:59Listen, Kansas, I know you dream of springing your mom someday.
00:32:03Stop, you're gonna make me cry.
00:32:04If the OJ trial taught us anything, it taught us that in America, you can cut somebody's
00:32:08head off and still be found innocent.
00:32:10As long as you have enough money.
00:32:13Well, your mom only shot a guy.
00:32:15And Cleo, I know you dream of an all-leather apartment with Conan.
00:32:21I overheard the school shrink telling the lunch lady.
00:32:25And Hannah, you could give your share to the church, or maybe buy one of those starving
00:32:29kids that Sally Struthers advertises?
00:32:31Or I could buy my own horse.
00:32:34Or that.
00:32:36Look, you guys, I just want to provide a future for my baby.
00:32:40I know my bank branch like the back of my puffy little hand.
00:32:45I could open that safe in my sleep.
00:32:51I'm in.
00:32:51Yes!
00:32:52What?
00:32:53I mean it, I'm in.
00:32:54This is the closest thing to a goddamn family I've ever had.
00:32:57If one of us needs something, then we all do.
00:32:59Stop it!
00:33:00This is crazy!
00:33:01I'm into...
00:33:02Cleo!
00:33:03Yeah.
00:33:04Kansas is right.
00:33:05We're like sisters.
00:33:07We're closer than sisters, and you don't turn your back on family.
00:33:10Come on, Luce.
00:33:12People do it in the movies all the time.
00:33:14And they get caught.
00:33:16That's right.
00:33:17So all we have to do is watch a bunch of movies and learn from their mistakes.
00:33:21And you know, real cops aren't half as smart as can they?
00:33:24Forget it.
00:33:26I've got a scholarship to Harvard hanging over my head.
00:33:28I won't risk it.
00:33:29Conan went to Harvard.
00:33:30Shh.
00:33:31Lucy, are you sure you have that scholarship?
00:33:35No?
00:33:35And if you don't, can you still afford to go to Harvard?
00:33:38I don't know.
00:33:39Probably not.
00:33:40So then this isn't crazy, is it?
00:33:42It's a sure bet.
00:33:46Well...
00:33:46Come on, Luce, Luce, Luce, Luce.
00:33:48I guess we're all in this together.
00:33:51Yes!
00:33:51But, but, we have to make a smart plan.
00:33:54Of course, of course.
00:33:56Okay, hands in.
00:33:59All right.
00:34:00We have to cross our hearts, hope to die,
00:34:02stick a dirty needle in our eye
00:34:04that we will never, ever tell Jack.
00:34:08We all know he can't tell a lie.
00:34:10That's why he's going to make such a great senator.
00:34:15Cheerleaders kick!
00:34:18Thank you!
00:34:19It's Friday.
00:34:20I'm happy to have you, everybody.
00:34:22I'm happy to have you.
00:34:25He has, uh, some very cool guests.
00:34:27And I'm going to start with something I read in the paper today.
00:34:29It involves sex.
00:34:30You hear me?
00:34:34Yeah.
00:34:35Yeah, don't worry, not with me.
00:34:37Ha, ha, ha.
00:34:38Ha, ha, ha.
00:34:39I don't want to be a boy.
00:34:41I want to be a girl.
00:34:42I want to do things out and make your hair curl.
00:34:46I want to be evil.
00:34:47I want to be bad.
00:34:49I want to drive my next door night, but it's mine.
00:34:52I want to go wild.
00:34:54I want to go wild.
00:34:55I want to party.
00:34:57Yeah!
00:34:58Cause we've got your power.
00:35:01The movie was so amazing.
00:35:04He slices off the guy's ear, and I mean, you see everything.
00:35:07The bloody pink hole.
00:35:08Cleo, I already threw up twice today.
00:35:09Can you please get to any relevant part of the movie?
00:35:11Well, you know, they had meat names.
00:35:14Like Mr. Pink.
00:35:15And I was thinking, Di, you could be Mrs. Pink.
00:35:17Yeah, yeah.
00:35:18Can I be Mrs. Purple?
00:35:18Do they have Mrs. Purple?
00:35:19Sure, and I'm going to be Mrs. Red, because I love Red.
00:35:20Oh, my God.
00:35:21This is so exciting.
00:35:22Di, how can you eat all that?
00:35:24She's eating for two.
00:35:27Jinx.
00:35:29Page one is a plot summary of Heat.
00:35:31Two has my character summaries.
00:35:33Three is my overall critique.
00:35:35And on four through ten, you'll find my nexus search of all prior analysis of this film.
00:35:40In summation, no part of Heat is really applicable to a grocery store bank branch robbery.
00:35:45What the heck is going on here?
00:35:48Doc, I can explain.
00:35:50Diane, there's no excuse for not taking your prenatal vitamins.
00:35:55I love you.
00:35:56I love you.
00:36:02Uh, Cleo?
00:36:04Mm-hmm.
00:36:06Would you just say my name?
00:36:09Ted.
00:36:11So, well, it's a laugh riot for the whole family, and Tim Conway is just about as funny as they
00:36:16come, especially in this scene where he...
00:36:18Wait a minute. You watch the Apple fucking Dumpling Gang?
00:36:23I'm only allowed G movies.
00:36:25Am I the only one who cares about this?
00:36:28I mean, at least I watch Dog Day Afternoon.
00:36:31Excuse me. Could you try to keep your voice down, please?
00:36:34We're not introducing anger into the womb.
00:36:36Yeah, well, how would you like me to introduce my foot into your ass?
00:36:41Kansas!
00:36:42I'm sorry, Diane, but I'm not going to watch my dreams fade away because the Virgin Mary here thinks she
00:36:47can get ideas from kiddie movies.
00:36:49Those of us who have parents know they have rules because they care.
00:36:53Ooh.
00:36:56Are you sure you want to go there?
00:37:01Um, maybe.
00:37:03Ow!
00:37:04You guys!
00:37:05Ow!
00:37:07Ow!
00:37:07Ow!
00:37:09Ow!
00:37:10Ow!
00:37:10Ow!
00:37:14Here.
00:37:20God, we're sorry.
00:37:22It's off.
00:37:23I can't take the fighting, the backstabbing, the open hostility.
00:37:27We're not acting like cheerleaders.
00:37:30We're acting like a bunch of sorority girls.
00:37:35I'm sorry I ever started this.
00:37:38Di, it's not your fault. We all wanted to do this.
00:37:41Look, maybe I can watch a PG movie.
00:37:45I'll just say I'm counting dirty words for Sunday school.
00:37:50It's okay, Hannah.
00:37:52It was silly to think that we could learn to rob a bank from watching movies.
00:37:56Sex you can learn from movies, but robberies?
00:37:59Forget about it.
00:38:01Besides, TV Land had a little house in the Prairie Marathon,
00:38:05and the Ingalls made baby Carrie's bed from a dresser drawer.
00:38:07I guess I could just do that.
00:38:11Oh, my God.
00:38:13The baby's got two heads.
00:38:15It's twins.
00:38:18I'm not just super fat.
00:38:21Oh, okay, we ain't done with this.
00:38:23Those babies are gonna have a good start in life
00:38:25with a real crib, one that costs a shitload.
00:38:28We're gonna learn how to rob a bank
00:38:29by the only people who really know how to do it.
00:38:32Criminals.
00:38:36I'm gonna visit my mom.
00:38:50You don't look nothing like your picture.
00:38:53Grandma and Grandpa sent you a picture of a neighbor girl.
00:38:56They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me.
00:39:01Thank God.
00:39:02I was starting to think I killed the wrong man.
00:39:06So, what'd you come here for?
00:39:08To tell me how much you hate me?
00:39:10I don't hate you.
00:39:13I need your help.
00:39:15Now, how in the hell can I help you?
00:39:18My best friend got pregnant.
00:39:21Before you?
00:39:24Woo-hoo.
00:39:26Yeah, I know.
00:39:27That's what I said, too.
00:39:29Anyway, we want to help her get some money for the baby
00:39:32by robbing a bank.
00:39:35Well, shitfire, Kansas.
00:39:36That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.
00:39:39But we can't quite figure out how to, you know, how to do it.
00:39:43So you need my help?
00:39:45Oh, my God.
00:39:46This is like you asking me for help with your homework.
00:39:54Hey, Mink, come here.
00:39:59Kansas, I want you to meet someone special.
00:40:05Jesus Christ, Mom!
00:40:07Look, my life ain't a great big pile of shit
00:40:09because you're in here.
00:40:10Now I've got to add, P.S., my mom's a dyke, too.
00:40:13Shut up, you mouthy little shit.
00:40:16Don't mouthy shit me.
00:40:17I'm out of here.
00:40:18Hey, wait!
00:40:19Sit down.
00:40:20Now I'm sorry.
00:40:22Mommy's a little over-amped.
00:40:24Didn't get her yard time this morning.
00:40:27Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think.
00:40:31She's a specialist.
00:40:34In banks.
00:40:49Them some sweet skirts you got there.
00:40:51Oh, thank you.
00:40:53Actually, they're uniforms.
00:40:54We're cheerleaders.
00:41:03All right, same time tomorrow.
00:41:06We have a visit with our favorite aunts.
00:41:10Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick.
00:41:13You got to stay in control, know how far you'll go to get the dough,
00:41:18and always put the rubber on yourself.
00:41:22You know what I mean.
00:41:24Hey, then you got to do it the day after Christmas.
00:41:26Why?
00:41:27Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full.
00:41:29Besides, everyone's at home eating leftovers and beating their kids.
00:41:33Really?
00:41:34You were cellmates with her?
00:41:36Oh, my God.
00:41:37She was my hero.
00:41:39Did she tell you what Letterman's house was like?
00:41:41You got to buy your gats from the Terminator.
00:41:43Tell him it she sent you.
00:41:45And gats are?
00:41:46Guns, cutie.
00:41:48You listen to Carol, pussycat.
00:41:51Go rent National Velvet.
00:41:52It's got some awesome steeplechases in it.
00:41:56I'm going to write that down.
00:41:57So, although their father said,
00:42:00don't get out of the car until I get back with help,
00:42:02they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled,
00:42:05run to my voice and don't look back.
00:42:08Now, the twins did as he said,
00:42:09but at the very last second,
00:42:11they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient
00:42:14bouncing their father's head on top of the car.
00:42:17Oh, they jumped.
00:42:20That's just gas, sweetie.
00:42:22Oh.
00:42:24What are you working on?
00:42:26Just some girly stuff for the squad.
00:42:34Bzzzoo!
00:42:47Well, whoever gets out alive
00:42:48have the authorities check in the crawlspace.
00:42:52Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover.
00:42:58I guess there's an exception to every rule.
00:43:02Could I help you?
00:43:04You're the Terminator?
00:43:06Did you come in here to bust my balls?
00:43:09Huh?
00:43:10Well, I kill bugs for a living.
00:43:13God doesn't beat you to it.
00:43:15No, wait.
00:43:15Um, we're the A squad from Lincoln High School.
00:43:18So, uh...
00:43:19So, we were told you could fix us up.
00:43:23Fix you up?
00:43:25Really?
00:43:26Yeah, Itchy sent us.
00:43:28She did, did she?
00:43:30How is the old girl?
00:43:32Definitely old.
00:43:34Yeah, that's my Itchy.
00:43:40How many?
00:43:41Uh, um, well, we'll each probably want one, so...
00:43:46We'll take five.
00:43:47Five should do it.
00:43:49All right.
00:43:49And, um, how much ammo do you want?
00:43:52Ammo?
00:43:53How many bullets do you need?
00:43:56Um, bullets.
00:43:58No bullets.
00:43:59Oh, my gosh, these are just to scare people.
00:44:01Kind of like a round-off back handspring with back double full.
00:44:04You never really use it.
00:44:05You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
00:44:08Okay.
00:44:10Fifteen hundred cash.
00:44:12What?
00:44:12You piece of shit, bug zapper!
00:44:16Obviously, that's a little more than our budget will allow.
00:44:19Um, basically, we're looking for something around two hundred dollars.
00:44:24Oh.
00:44:25What?
00:44:26Why didn't you say so?
00:44:29For two hundred, I got some real nice rubber bands and some sharp nails in the back.
00:44:33I think I got five of them.
00:44:35They come in pastel colors.
00:44:36Why don't you wait right there and let me go gift wrap it for you?
00:44:43They are fifteen hundred.
00:44:45Cash on the barrel.
00:44:46You take it or you leave it.
00:44:50Well, what kind of deal would you make if I told you we were going to go tell the police
00:44:53that you're selling illegal guns to minors, to girl minors?
00:44:58Then I'd just have to kill you.
00:45:02Okay.
00:45:03Well, it was a pleasure meeting you.
00:45:05Take care.
00:45:08Let's go, you guys.
00:45:09Hold it right there.
00:45:10Oh, please.
00:45:11We're not going to tell anyone.
00:45:13Maybe we can make a deal.
00:45:14Look, buddy, we're not going to trade sex for guns.
00:45:20Unless, Cleo.
00:45:21Princess.
00:45:22I got a daughter.
00:45:24She's always dreamt of being a cheerleader.
00:45:27Aw.
00:45:29Say what'll do?
00:45:30If you put her on your squad, I mean put her on the squad, don't make her haul around your
00:45:35pom-poms, you give her something to do, then I'll give you the guns.
00:45:41You're kidding.
00:45:46Hey, Fern!
00:45:47Fern, come here!
00:45:49She's out back siphoning off the tanks.
00:45:51It'd take her just a second to cap off that cyanide hose.
00:45:53Honey!
00:45:55Oh, there she is.
00:45:57Here's my baby.
00:45:59Fern meets your new best friends.
00:46:09Don't you take too long.
00:46:11Let's do breathing exercises, shall we?
00:46:15Is Jack upset that he can't be here?
00:46:18We worked it out.
00:46:23Doing good, sweetie.
00:46:24Let's remember our focal point.
00:46:29Okay, don't stop now.
00:46:30Come on, we're going to make it, baby.
00:46:31Come on.
00:46:34What a sad waster, man.
00:46:37Okay.
00:46:38Even with all our savings, it's still only 654.
00:46:42That's it?
00:46:43Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money.
00:46:46Felipe's going to be gathering rice without pants this month.
00:46:50Okay, wait a second.
00:46:51Hold on.
00:46:52Now, what do we do before a big game?
00:46:55Use the bathroom.
00:46:56Because the port-a-potties on the field are gross.
00:47:00My fault.
00:47:01What do we do that enables us to be as great as we are?
00:47:03I personally think of how Conan starred as a writer.
00:47:06We practice.
00:47:08That's right.
00:47:09Practice makes perfect.
00:47:11I'm practicing to have a baby right now.
00:47:13If we do a practice job, we'll not only get the experience,
00:47:16but we'll also get the money we need for the guns.
00:47:19I've got the perfect job, and I've got a piece, so help me out.
00:47:23Hey!
00:47:24Oh!
00:47:25Hello.
00:47:26How many would you like?
00:47:28Seven.
00:47:49Hi.
00:47:50Hello.
00:47:51How many?
00:47:51Two, please.
00:47:55Oops.
00:48:02Oops.
00:48:04Oops.
00:48:04Oops.
00:48:05Oops.
00:48:07Oops.
00:48:10Oops.們了. injuries. giorno了.
00:48:32What the hell kind of food are they serving us
00:48:34that they can turn a profit on 200 bucks?
00:48:40Watch her now
00:48:42Watch her
00:48:43Walking away
00:48:46Nothing to say
00:48:48She just leaves me
00:48:53What did I do?
00:48:55Uh, Fern?
00:48:59Yeah?
00:49:00No more filling the tanks before practice, okay?
00:49:03Okay.
00:49:11Okay, let's get going.
00:49:13My grandparents get back from dinner at 4.30.
00:49:20Ready?
00:49:21Okay.
00:49:23What the hell?
00:49:25Oh, no.
00:49:27He Ikea'd us.
00:49:28How many signs do we need?
00:49:30We're not supposed to do this.
00:49:31Look, maybe Lucy's right.
00:49:33Maybe this is a sign.
00:49:34Candles?
00:49:37Is that you down there?
00:49:39Yeah, Grandma.
00:49:40Me and the squad.
00:49:41You girls talking about boys?
00:49:43Practicing kissing your hands?
00:49:46Yeah, you caught us.
00:49:48Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies at the top of the stairs for you girls.
00:49:52Thanks.
00:49:53That'd be great.
00:49:58Oh, this is great.
00:49:59What do we do?
00:50:00Threaten people with a trunk full of parts?
00:50:02I'm sorry, you guys.
00:50:04When you're dealing with South American rebels, you kind of got to take what you can get.
00:50:08It's a trunk full of crap.
00:50:10Excuse me.
00:50:10Do you guys know what I don't see here?
00:50:13What?
00:50:13I don't see a problem.
00:50:15I see a great big craft project sitting right in front of me.
00:50:19So, Kansas, get me some glue, some tape, and a nail file.
00:50:29So, it's you at my door.
00:50:36She is huge.
00:50:40She won't tell her man to fight or more.
00:50:54She won't tell her man to fight or more.
00:51:15She's so cool.
00:51:18She's so huge.
00:51:21Meanwhile, the most important event of my life was about to take place.
00:51:25Please join our A and B squad cheerleaders in a salute to Winner Sports.
00:51:40The Winner Sports pep rally is only, like, the biggest cheerleading event of the year.
00:51:46I'd been practicing for months.
00:51:49This was my big chance to show the whole school that I really belonged on the A squad.
00:52:09I just want to say that normally, I'm an excellent skater.
00:52:13Some jealous fag, who will remain nameless, obviously sabotaged my skates.
00:52:19I was completely humiliated in front of the entire student body.
00:52:25Talk about adding insult to injury.
00:52:27At the last minute, Diane finagled with putting that backwater mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid.
00:52:35No way.
00:52:37It ruined the entire finale.
00:52:39Ask anybody.
00:52:41I want a witch you made from the bottom of my heart.
00:52:52Conan O'Brien.
00:52:55Conan O'Brien.
00:52:59Conan O'Brien.
00:53:00Conan O'Brien.
00:53:01Come on, Cleo.
00:53:03We're not going to waste this week's question to the netherworld on Conan.
00:53:06Who made up the one question a week rule, anyway?
00:53:09It's in the Bible, so just shut the hell up.
00:53:11Okay, okay.
00:53:12Here goes.
00:53:13Is the day after Christmas the best day for the heist?
00:53:19Yes.
00:53:20Girls, numerology confirms it, too.
00:53:23Look.
00:53:23So does Soldier of Fortune.
00:53:25A great day to go balls out on the offensive.
00:53:28And it's time for my mom's presence.
00:53:32Be careful.
00:53:34Have fun.
00:53:35Ski masks are so done.
00:53:37Wear these masks to fight the power.
00:53:38And never bend over in the shower.
00:53:41Hey, Diane, you can be mood swing Betty.
00:53:43Hannah, you're virgin Betty with optional horse and saddle.
00:53:47And Fern, you can be...
00:53:49Oh, God, we forgot Fern.
00:53:52Oh, it's okay.
00:53:53My mom and the girls just got him for the heist.
00:53:55It's nothing personal.
00:53:57Hey, I got to cheer with you guys.
00:54:00I'm happier than a Make-A-Wish kid at Disneyland.
00:54:03Well, we'll all sign your yearbook.
00:54:09Here, take mine.
00:54:12Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys, but I got my scholarship.
00:54:17I can't go through with this.
00:54:19But we went hands-in on this.
00:54:21You're breaking the National High School Cheerleading Association's Pledge of Allegiance and Conformity.
00:54:27I'll turn in my pom-poms after Christmas.
00:54:30You know, you guys are insane if you don't think those criminals would gladly turn you in for a pack
00:54:34of luckies.
00:54:35Oh, yeah?
00:54:37Well, unlike you, those criminals take an oath and they stick with it.
00:54:40You don't mess with another inmate when you never mess with their kid.
00:54:44I'm sorry, Diane.
00:54:54I could take Lucy's place.
00:54:58You can be Terminator, Betty.
00:55:02Fight the power!
00:55:24One, two, three.
00:55:29Oh, God.
00:55:35Oh, honey.
00:55:36Next Christmas, I'm putting a diamond in it.
00:55:40I don't know what to say.
00:55:44So you love me.
00:55:46I love you.
00:55:47I love you, too.
00:55:58Oh, God, here's mine.
00:55:59It's so lame.
00:56:00It's not romantic or anything.
00:56:02No, no, no, no, shh.
00:56:03I love it.
00:56:06Oh, a gift certificate for a new paint job on the GTO.
00:56:12Yeah, I was thinking that maybe you'd want to change the color after Christmas.
00:56:17Wow.
00:56:18You like it?
00:56:19I sold the car to buy you that ring.
00:56:26You're kidding.
00:56:26No.
00:56:29We didn't have a car.
00:56:31No.
00:56:34Oh, sweetie.
00:56:36Sweetie.
00:56:43Kansas, listen to me.
00:56:45Jack sold our getaway car.
00:56:47It's a goddamn gift of the Magi thing.
00:56:50Oops.
00:56:50Mommy, sorry, sweet peas.
00:56:52Swing's the surest way to...
00:56:54Oh, shit.
00:56:56Mommy needs a getaway car.
00:57:11Jump in!
00:57:11We can't stop.
00:57:13The brakes are fast.
00:57:15Kansas, hurry.
00:57:17You better slow down.
00:57:18Okay, Lord, please don't let us run over Kansas.
00:57:20Oh, no.
00:57:21It's our house.
00:57:21Kansas, get in.
00:57:22Please, get in.
00:57:23Hurry, come on.
00:57:24Jump in.
00:57:24The brakes are broken.
00:57:26Come on, Kansas.
00:57:26Come on.
00:57:27Kansas.
00:57:28Come on.
00:57:29Come on.
00:57:29You're done.
00:57:31Oh, God.
00:57:32Oh, God.
00:57:33Oh, God.
00:57:35Oh, God.
00:57:35Oh, God.
00:57:36Oh, God.
00:57:37Oh, God.
00:57:40Oh, God.
00:57:49Uh, anyone bring an extra pair of panties?
00:58:37Gosh, who are you, the god damn bionic woman?
00:58:40I just pulled it, and it came off.
00:58:42Great, this is great.
00:58:44Now we have to enter through the front door.
00:58:45Look, it's not my fault.
00:58:47Hey!
00:58:48God, rule number one, you never take off the mask.
00:58:51You hear me?
00:58:52No matter what happens, you never take off the mask.
00:58:55I'm sorry, Kansas.
00:58:58God, no!
00:58:59Rule number two, no names.
00:59:01Goddamn names, you retard.
00:59:03Oh, for Christ's sake, white trash Betty.
00:59:06I didn't realize the rules went into effect
00:59:07before we entered the supermarket.
00:59:09Well, use your head, stalker Betty.
00:59:12Betty, stop it.
00:59:14The best squad is one that hopes for the best
00:59:17and prepares for the worst.
00:59:19National High School Cheerleading Association Letterhead.
00:59:22Now let's give a hands-in.
00:59:27We're ready, we're prepared,
00:59:29and this is gonna be the best bank robbery ever
00:59:32because cheerleaders, kid!
00:59:42It's me!
00:59:43Lucy?
00:59:44What the hell do you want?
00:59:46I want to help.
00:59:47I'm a part of the squad.
00:59:48Oh, no.
00:59:50You have committed the ultimate sin.
00:59:53You left your squad to be with the guy,
00:59:56and that guy is the devil himself
00:59:58because only the devil would turn you against your sisters.
01:00:04Let's go!
01:00:06Let's go!
01:00:18Let's go!
01:00:19Let's go!
01:00:20Let's go!
01:00:28Let's go!
01:00:31Let's go!
01:00:34Let's go!
01:00:34Let's go!
01:00:35Let's go!
01:00:36Let's go!
01:00:36Let's go!
01:00:36Come on.
01:00:40Cute.
01:00:54Down the ground!
01:00:56Down!
01:00:57OK.
01:00:57Huh?
01:00:58Don't worry about it.
01:01:02Get down!
01:01:11OK.
01:01:12Hello?
01:01:13Yeah.
01:01:13Excuse me?
01:01:14Yeah.
01:01:14Hi.
01:01:16Are you robbing the supermarket or the bank branch?
01:01:19The bank!
01:01:20OK.
01:01:21So do you want everybody down or just the people at the bank?
01:01:25All of you!
01:01:26Bank branch!
01:01:30Bank branch!
01:01:31All of you!
01:01:32What?
01:01:34Shut up.
01:01:35I'll handle this.
01:01:36Bank branch only!
01:01:38Everybody else is going about your business!
01:01:46Shit, this ain't working.
01:01:48Everybody down!
01:01:49Ugh!
01:02:21That's an illegal dismount.
01:02:34Oh, my God!
01:02:36An A-squad pom-pom string.
01:02:38Ow!
01:02:38Keep your eyes on the ground.
01:02:40This is good.
01:02:41How are we doing?
01:02:42Quick.
01:02:43I'm doing it, man.
01:02:45Quick!
01:02:46Big Bill!
01:02:46Big Bill!
01:02:47This here's bullshit!
01:02:49That's what this is!
01:02:50Shit!
01:02:51I found you.
01:02:52Go home.
01:02:54I ain't gonna let some piece of shit Betty doll tell me what to do!
01:02:59No sheree, Bob!
01:03:02Bob!
01:03:04Freeze with me, Jesus asshole!
01:03:06Don't we never use the Lord's son's name in vain round these parts of the U.S. of A!
01:03:15What the heck?
01:03:22Uh, I forgot to tell you.
01:03:24Sometimes when the rebels take the gun off a corpse, some live rounds get left in the clip.
01:03:30Good to know.
01:03:31Oh, no.
01:03:37Christ, I'm a cracker.
01:03:40All right, you guys.
01:03:41Let's go.
01:03:50All right!
01:03:51Mmm!
01:03:55Oh!
01:03:56Mm-hmm!
01:03:56Oh!
01:03:57Oh!
01:03:58Oh!
01:03:59Oh!
01:04:08I'm here live at the scene of today's highly unusual bank robbery, speaking with an eyewitness.
01:04:12Can you please tell us a little bit about what happened here today?
01:04:14Yes, in fact, you're talking to the right person because I am walking evidence.
01:04:17Okay, one of them stepped right on my a**, okay?
01:04:20Excuse me, can you get a shot of me here?
01:04:22This is important, buddy.
01:04:23Hello?
01:04:23Can you dust my a** for prints?
01:04:25This is important.
01:04:26I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot.
01:04:28Wait, wait, hold on, I forgot.
01:04:30I have this.
01:04:31This is really important.
01:04:32This is what's going to solve.
01:04:33Right, well, that's very nice.
01:04:35Thank you for your time.
01:04:36Well, as you can see, this crime here today is affecting people very seriously.
01:04:40If you haven't heard, today, five pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank.
01:04:46Can you believe this?
01:04:49We're like celebrities.
01:04:51Better enjoy it now, because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well, and we're nothing but a distant memory.
01:05:01Disguise is incinerated.
01:05:03Woo!
01:05:06Oh, it's bad news, Zai.
01:05:08There was one thing we just couldn't fit in the furnace.
01:05:15Oh, my God.
01:05:17Oh, you guys.
01:05:22Oh, can you believe we did it?
01:05:25I mean, we did it.
01:05:29We really did it.
01:05:39I guess no one could have predicted the shitstorm that was about to hit.
01:05:42I mean, the only thing people cared about, thought about, or talked about was the robbery.
01:05:47Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up to spray paint the security cameras, I think it was an
01:05:53Asian gang.
01:05:55Yeah, because as a people, they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic.
01:06:04That's all it took.
01:06:05Next thing you know, Tim's some Charlie's being hauled in for questioning.
01:06:11From there, the town just seemed to go apeshit.
01:06:22This thing spread faster than a kanker sore on the girl's swim team.
01:06:26Someone in Lincoln would say something like,
01:06:28They were dressed like a bunch of freaking Betty dolls for sake.
01:06:32They had these little voices, and only a bunch of goddamn queers would shoot up a union camp.
01:06:39All of a sudden, it's on Jerry Springer.
01:06:42This thing was definitely huge.
01:06:44Hey, welcome to the show.
01:06:45Today, we're going to meet a growing number of transvestites who don't just like to dress up as women.
01:06:50They like to dress up as pregnant women.
01:06:57It was like the whole country had come down with Betty doll fever.
01:07:06And then it finally happened.
01:07:08The moment I had been waiting for.
01:07:10Our little dipshits in blue finally followed up on my evidence.
01:07:20Hi, I'm Kurt Loder with an MTV News Brief.
01:07:22Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery.
01:07:27Stay tuned for my interview with Alanis Morissette on the negative influence of the Betty doll on young girls right
01:07:31after this.
01:07:37Hello?
01:07:38It was Lucy.
01:07:39Lucy went to the cops.
01:07:40Remember, Kansas, every time you point a finger, you have three more pointing back at you.
01:07:44She's been the weak tit on this mama cat since the beginning.
01:07:48Is that you?
01:07:49Yeah, hold on.
01:07:50Just call me later.
01:07:51I gotta get some smokes for my grandma.
01:07:52Don't use big bills.
01:07:54For a pack of six, I use her food stamps.
01:07:57Hello?
01:07:58We're dead.
01:07:59They showed this prison movie to my youth group on Sunday.
01:08:02Hannah, we've got...
01:08:03No, it wasn't like the prison we saw.
01:08:04All of these women had to shave their heads because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived.
01:08:09Oh, no.
01:08:10I'm gonna be someone's bald bitch.
01:08:13Oops, hold on a sec.
01:08:14Hello?
01:08:15Di, it's loose.
01:08:17Kansas just called and said she's gonna freak me up.
01:08:19Then I heard coughing and sudden Kansas had to go.
01:08:22I think her grandma had another heart attack.
01:08:25Anyway, why does she want to freak me up?
01:08:26She thinks you went to the police.
01:08:28What?
01:08:29That's insane.
01:08:30Why would I go to the police?
01:08:32Relax.
01:08:33I've got to get that.
01:08:34I'll see you tomorrow.
01:08:35Hello?
01:08:36My Sunday school teacher says that in prison, women share broomsticks up here.
01:08:41Hold on.
01:08:42Yeah?
01:08:43Can't do it, Kim Lowe.
01:08:44I'm still in the police department.
01:08:46They're in the police department.
01:08:47I'm waiting for four days to get the chance to call me this once again.
01:08:52Hello?
01:08:53Kim Lowe?
01:08:55No, this is Diane.
01:08:56I think you have the wrong number.
01:08:59Oops, that's me.
01:09:00Gotta go.
01:09:01One member?
01:09:03No!
01:09:04Hello, Di?
01:09:05I just can't to say that Conan talked about us again last night.
01:09:09Thanks, Cleo.
01:09:10See you tomorrow.
01:09:11Right?
01:09:14Morning, sunshine.
01:09:16Remember, except for the morning sickness, the blinding back pain, and the embarrassingly
01:09:21unpredictable guess, these are the best days of your life so far.
01:09:28Hey, hey, hey, not so fast.
01:09:31Following your dream isn't a crime.
01:09:33Nobody suspects you.
01:09:34Nobody even has a clue.
01:09:36Mm.
01:09:38Hey, pistolero!
01:10:14Hey, guys.
01:10:16Did someone not take a shower today?
01:10:18Hey, Lisa.
01:10:20Did you run into Carmen Electra last summer?
01:10:22No.
01:10:23Oh, because it looks like you got some of her tits on you.
01:10:28This just came from the National High School Cheerleading Association.
01:10:32You guys might want to look it over before you try any more cradle dismounts
01:10:35from double-base partner stunts that are over shoulder stand level
01:10:38without using three catchers.
01:10:41Oh.
01:10:43Or before you think about robbing another bank.
01:10:46What did you say?
01:10:47How could she know?
01:10:50Freeze!
01:10:51Freeze!
01:10:52Freeze!
01:10:54Freeze!
01:10:59I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am,
01:11:00but is this going to take long?
01:11:02It's game night.
01:11:02Face front.
01:11:06Are you sure they can't see us?
01:11:08One-way mirror, ma'am.
01:11:10Picture in three, two, one.
01:11:13Oh.
01:11:18Excuse me, ma'am.
01:11:19On law and order, they get to make one phone call.
01:11:20I need to call the father of my babies.
01:11:23Oh, thank God.
01:11:24Oh, thank God.
01:11:25Oh, that's right.
01:11:29It's a fungus.
01:11:30Leave it alone.
01:11:31All right.
01:11:32There's nothing I could do about it.
01:11:34Hello?
01:11:34Lisa, it's Diane.
01:11:36We need to talk.
01:11:39And that's why I came forward.
01:11:42I mean, even the kids on the short bus
01:11:44can see that all the evidence points to Diane
01:11:46and the A squad.
01:11:47Oh, it sure does.
01:11:50Your testimony will prove invaluable when we take...
01:11:52Unfortunately, it wasn't them.
01:11:56They were all waiting in my Suburban that day
01:11:58while I ran into the supermarket for some cash.
01:12:02We were on our way to practice.
01:12:06Well, better get going.
01:12:09Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.
01:12:20Hey!
01:12:20Over here!
01:12:22Is that Lisa?
01:12:24What's she doing here?
01:12:27Come on.
01:12:33They let you guys keep your mug shots?
01:12:35I don't get it, Lisa.
01:12:37Why did you tell the cops that we were with you?
01:12:39Look, you guys, a failure to plan is a plan for failure.
01:12:42We needed an alibi.
01:12:43And I'm not going to be doing back handsprings anytime soon.
01:12:46What's in it for her?
01:12:49Well, the A squad is going to need a new captain soon.
01:12:52You can't be serious.
01:12:54Lisa really does know all the rules.
01:13:00Look!
01:13:02If it wasn't for my alibi, you'd all be doing college by correspondence.
01:13:06Yeah, this is it!
01:13:08Get off her!
01:13:08We're going to go!
01:13:09No!
01:13:10Wait for me!
01:13:13What are you doing?
01:13:14What are you doing?
01:13:15Diane!
01:13:17Sorry, it just slipped out.
01:13:20Okay!
01:13:20Funny how things work out in the end.
01:13:23Diane turned in her pom-poms, and I'm the new A squad captain.
01:13:27After all, National High School Cheerleading Association rule number one, always stand behind
01:13:33your fellow cheerleaders, especially when they're seven months pregnant, locked in a holding
01:13:38tank, and looking at 15 to life.
01:13:41Actually, I made that last little bit up, but you know what I mean.
01:13:53Well, she was an American girl, raised on promises.
01:14:01She couldn't help thinking that there was a little more to life somewhere else.
01:14:10After all, it was a great big world, with lots of places to run to.
01:14:17And if she had to die, try and shoot, and what a little promise she was gonna keep.
01:14:27Oh yeah, alright, take it easy, baby, make it last all night.
01:14:35She was an American girl.
01:14:42Well, it was kind of cold that night.
01:14:46She stood alone on the balcony, yeah.
01:14:51She could hear the cars roll by, out on 441, like waves crashing on the beach.
01:14:59And for one desperate moment there, he crept back in her memory.
01:15:07God, it's so painful, and something that's so close, you're still so far out of reach.
01:15:15Oh yeah, alright, take it easy, baby, make it last all night.
01:15:24She was an American girl.
01:15:28Oh yeah, taking my dself and dream back, though.
01:15:34Oh yeah, I do love it.
01:15:41Oh yeah, we'd get me any better part of the world.
01:15:44Oh yeah, you're still so long.
01:15:44Oh yeah, you're still so close, you're still near me.
01:15:48When I do love it.
01:15:49And when I do love it.
01:15:52I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
01:15:52And I'm sense of sympathy for me, I'm so sorry.
01:15:53I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
01:15:53I'm sorry I'm sorry.
01:15:53I'm sorry about the shit that I'm coming back.
01:16:01Let's go!
01:16:17Good morning, sunshine
01:16:20What you wanna do today?
01:16:25I'm so tired of working
01:16:27Got too many bills to pay
01:16:31That's okay
01:16:33Cause I've got a real straight shot
01:16:36You've got a pretty good car
01:16:41So make a point on the map
01:16:44Doesn't matter which one
01:16:46We'll be rich when the job gets done
01:16:50He holds a bag and I hold the gun
01:16:53Fill up the tank
01:16:55Let's ride the bank
01:17:00I've got holes in my shoes
01:17:03I've got holes in my underwear
01:17:08Take a look in my wallet
01:17:10There used to be some money there
01:17:14I don't care
01:17:16Cause I've got a real straight shot
01:17:20You've got a pretty good car
01:17:24So make a point on the map
01:17:27Doesn't matter which one
01:17:29We'll be rich when the job gets done
01:17:33You hold the bag and I hold the gun
01:17:37Fill up the tank
01:17:39Let's ride the bank
01:17:41We can have everything we want
01:17:46La, la, la, la, la
01:17:49I could buy a new guitar
01:17:51You could pay your credit
01:17:54Cause let's ride the bank
01:18:10Cause I've got a real straight shot
01:18:14You've got a pretty good car
01:18:19So pick a point on the map
01:18:22Doesn't matter which one
01:18:24We'll be rich when the job gets done
01:18:28You hold the bag and I hold the gun
01:18:31Fill up the tank
01:18:33Let's ride the bank
01:18:37Let's ride the bank
01:18:40Let's ride the bank
01:18:43Fill up the tank
01:18:49Let's ride the bank
01:18:53Let's ride the bank
01:18:54Let's ride the bank
01:18:54Let's ride the bank
01:18:55Let's ride the bank
01:18:55Let's ride the bank
01:18:56Let's ride the bank
01:18:56Let's ride the bank
01:18:57Let's ride the bank
01:18:57Let's ride the bank
01:18:57Let's ride the bank
01:18:57Let's ride the bank
01:18:58Let's ride the bank
01:19:00Let's ride the bank
01:19:04Let's ride the bank
01:19:07Let's ride the bank
01:19:08Let's ride the bank
01:19:09Let's ride the bank
01:19:10Let's ride the bank
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