#TheGrandTour #OneForTheRoad #ClarksonHammondMay #FinalLap #ZimbabweSpecial
After 22 years of automotive mayhem, the trio—Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May—have reached the end of the road. In their final special, "One For The Road," they head to Zimbabwe in three cars they’ve always wanted to own: a Lancia Montecarlo, a Ford Capri, and a Triumph Stag. We dive into the most emotional moments, the stunning African landscapes, and the legacy left behind by the men who changed car television forever. Goodbye to the best car show in the world.
#AmazonPrime #CarReview #JeremyClarkson #RichardHammond #JamesMay #AutomotiveHistory
After 22 years of automotive mayhem, the trio—Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May—have reached the end of the road. In their final special, "One For The Road," they head to Zimbabwe in three cars they’ve always wanted to own: a Lancia Montecarlo, a Ford Capri, and a Triumph Stag. We dive into the most emotional moments, the stunning African landscapes, and the legacy left behind by the men who changed car television forever. Goodbye to the best car show in the world.
#AmazonPrime #CarReview #JeremyClarkson #RichardHammond #JamesMay #AutomotiveHistory
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MotorTranscript
00:00:29Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:53CastingWords
00:01:10Thank you so much. Thank you. And coming up in this incredibly exciting show...
00:01:19A young woman changes a wheel
00:01:24An older woman drinks some lager
00:01:28And Richard looks at a book
00:01:31Look at that!
00:01:37However...
00:01:40However, we begin with a film from James May, who's in his 80s...
00:01:45What?
00:01:46No, wait, sorry. We begin with a film from James May about the 80s.
00:01:51Yes. Thank you. The 80s, a time of marvellous excess. You know, Gordon Gekko and big shoulder pads and of
00:01:57course incredible supercars. The greatest of which, without question, was this one.
00:02:06The Ferrari Testarossa was excess on wheels.
00:02:15Be it looks...
00:02:20Attitude...
00:02:22Or even size.
00:02:30When this car came out, people were absolutely aghast at how wide this car was. I don't mean wide like
00:02:38Del Boy, I mean wide as in width. It was enormous, especially at the back. And it simply oozed charisma
00:02:46from every one of its slatted panels. It was unquestionably...
00:02:51The only car that could star in Miami Vice.
00:02:57In fact, Enzo Ferrari loved that show so much, he actually gave its star, Don Johnson, his own Testarossa. And
00:03:07Don was just the tip of the celebrity iceberg.
00:03:13Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one, Mike Tyson had one, OJ Simpson had one. And presumably wore driving
00:03:22gloves.
00:03:25The price of this car, when it went on sale in 1985, was £62,666. That is, as I'm sure
00:03:33you know, the number of the beast.
00:03:35And when you unleashed its 5-litre V12, it would do 180 miles an hour.
00:03:48That was an astonishing figure for the time.
00:03:53It had the speed and the celebrity fan base.
00:03:57But the Testarossa was not what you'd call politically correct.
00:04:03Consider, for example, that the window switches are tiny little things hidden down here on the centre console.
00:04:09Where you'd expect them to be, that...
00:04:11Well, obviously, it's a huge ashtray.
00:04:14And in fact, if they'd given that a mirrored lid, it could have had two uses.
00:04:21If the 1980s were the era of excess, then, well, this was the perfect car for the era.
00:04:31I'm afraid Mr. May has just been wasting your time, rather, because that is not the ultimate 80s supercar.
00:04:39This is.
00:04:42For sheer over-the-topness, nothing comes close to the Lamborghini Countach.
00:04:51Alongside it, the Testarossa looks like a family hatchback.
00:04:56If you think the Ferrari is wide, this is even wider.
00:05:02And the Testarossa's doors don't open like this.
00:05:10This version of the Countach, the LP 5000, was launched in 1985, specifically to put the Testarossa back in its
00:05:19box.
00:05:21It's 48-valve, 5.2-litre V12.
00:05:26It could take the Countach to 186 miles an hour.
00:05:30Or, to be precise, more than the Ferrari.
00:05:34In fact, in its day, this was the fastest production car in the world.
00:05:40I've got a Kevlar bonnet.
00:05:42I've got rear tires the size of road rollers.
00:05:46We're talking ultimate supercar here.
00:05:51And this incredible machine came from a company that didn't have half the resources of Ferrari.
00:06:00Let me give you an example.
00:06:01This car might look super aerodynamic, like a missile.
00:06:06But, in fact, it never saw the inside of a wind tunnel.
00:06:10They couldn't afford to put it in one.
00:06:12So, instead, they ran a prototype up and down the motorway, with bits of wool stuck all over it.
00:06:18I love that.
00:06:23Oh, hello. Here he comes.
00:06:29He also ran...
00:06:32Mr Silver Medalist.
00:06:37The trouble with that Lamborghini is it's a bit all mouth and no trousers.
00:06:43Fastest car in the world. My arse.
00:06:48Even Lamborghini will admit they ran slightly hooky cars when they did the performance testing.
00:06:53They took the mirrors off and stripped weight out of it.
00:06:56Absolute flimflat.
00:07:03The thing is, supercars, to me, are all about being the Ultima.
00:07:07Doesn't matter what that is, but it has to be an Ultima.
00:07:12And this is the ultimate bedroom wall poster car.
00:07:16When I first saw one of these as a kid, it lit a flame in my heart.
00:07:21And when I saw one today, as a middle-aged man, that same flame roared into life.
00:07:34Listen to that noise.
00:07:38It's like a gun going off.
00:07:42The problem is, the Lamborghini Countach, it wasn't really a car.
00:07:47It wasn't really for driving, but this was.
00:07:51It's got a proper boot, decent sized fuel tank, it's got comfortable seats.
00:07:55It's actually a continent-crushing, touring car.
00:08:07Eventually, we pulled over, so we could continue arguing face to chest.
00:08:14Oh, the brakes are brilliant.
00:08:17On the line?
00:08:19Um, right.
00:08:21Oh, that's not...
00:08:23That doesn't help much, in there.
00:08:26You can't see behind you, can you?
00:08:27No, I just want to be really accurate, and you can help with that.
00:08:30That's in the way, and that's in the way.
00:08:31That's why the early ones had a periscope.
00:08:33Oh, right, look, I've got a bed right.
00:08:34There's a cool thing I can do here, look.
00:08:36Well, if you sit here, like...
00:08:39this.
00:08:40And then, you can put it in reverse.
00:08:43There.
00:08:44You're going to run over your own foot?
00:08:45No, on no RPM.
00:08:47Yes, it is moving, yes, yes.
00:08:48How cool is it?
00:08:50You're all right.
00:08:51You're all right.
00:08:52I'm in my car, but not in...
00:08:54Bit of left hand down.
00:08:54What? Oh, yeah.
00:08:55Bit of left hand down.
00:08:56It's like being outside of a helicopter in Vietnam.
00:08:59It's that cool.
00:09:01Yeah.
00:09:02Do you know, I was just explaining to the viewers,
00:09:04before we stopped, what a sham this car is.
00:09:06That rear wing has no effect other than
00:09:09to slow the car down and make the front go light
00:09:12when you're at high speed.
00:09:13It's actually worse than that, because it's illegal.
00:09:15They didn't have the money to homologate it properly,
00:09:18so they'd build the cars in the factory,
00:09:20then wheel them out into the car park,
00:09:21and a man screwed them on with a power drill.
00:09:24Genuinely.
00:09:24And I love that about it.
00:09:25In the car park?
00:09:26In the car park.
00:09:26Finished it off.
00:09:27I love that.
00:09:28Why don't we tell the viewers how the indicator stalk
00:09:31on your supercar comes from a Morris Marina?
00:09:34Well, why don't we talk about the fact
00:09:36that the electric door mirror adjusters on yours
00:09:39are out of an Austin Montego?
00:09:41I was hoping you didn't know that.
00:09:42Yeah, I did.
00:09:43Ahem.
00:09:44Rod Stewart had a Testarossa.
00:09:46Rod Stewart had a Kudash.
00:09:48Oh, yeah.
00:09:49Oh, yeah.
00:09:52Unable to agree on anything,
00:09:54we decided to take a more intellectual approach
00:09:58by having a drag race.
00:10:00Now, on paper, the Lamborghini is faster, definitely,
00:10:04but, as we've already observed,
00:10:06Lamborghini were a bit fast and loose
00:10:08with their performance figures back in the day,
00:10:10so now, finally, we can find out for real.
00:10:14However, as we sat on the start line,
00:10:17something occurred to us.
00:10:20These are privately owned cars, aren't they?
00:10:23Correct, yeah.
00:10:24Well, the thing is, Testarossas don't really like standing starts
00:10:27because they tend to blow their own differentials up.
00:10:30How much is a new differential?
00:10:33It's £26,000.
00:10:37Actually, I'm quite glad you've mentioned that
00:10:39because these don't like standing starts either.
00:10:41It's those huge rear tyres.
00:10:43You've got a fried clutch and a split gearbox casing.
00:10:46How much does that cost?
00:10:48£36,000.
00:10:49Oof.
00:10:50So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk.
00:10:55I know, I fancy something we don't normally do,
00:10:58a rolling start drag race.
00:11:00Yes, I do too.
00:11:01I've always wanted to try a rolling start drag race,
00:11:04and for some reason, today in these cars,
00:11:06I prefer that option.
00:11:09So, when the light went green,
00:11:11we gently pull away together,
00:11:14and then, at the white line, floor it.
00:11:24Rolling start, cross the line, and bin it!
00:11:30And they're off.
00:11:37He's getting away.
00:11:41What an astonishing feeling!
00:11:47Oh, an angry coonsass!
00:11:53140!
00:12:02Well, there you go.
00:12:04The bull has kicked the horse's arse.
00:12:07Even through that ridiculously small window,
00:12:10you look smug.
00:12:11Oh, I am, mate, because I won!
00:12:13And it matters!
00:12:15It does matter.
00:12:16That's the annoying thing.
00:12:17It really matters.
00:12:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:12:24Fabulous.
00:12:25It was a privilege, wasn't it?
00:12:26That's right.
00:12:27A couple of things I think you forgot to mention
00:12:30in that film.
00:12:31The Countach.
00:12:33The steering feels like it's set in concrete,
00:12:35so does the gear lever, so do the pedals,
00:12:37and if you use the air conditioning,
00:12:39it's like you're being breathed on by a hot dog.
00:12:43He is right about that.
00:12:45Yeah, and you can't talk either,
00:12:47because your roly-poly barge testarossa
00:12:50was, as you said, driven by a man from Miami Vice
00:12:53who rolled his jacket sleeves up.
00:12:56Duke of Edinburgh doesn't do that, does he?
00:12:58Oh, he doesn't do that.
00:12:59Now, hang on a minute.
00:13:00What?
00:13:00By attacking those cars,
00:13:02you are destroying the very foundations
00:13:04of everything we love and hold precious.
00:13:07Mm-hm.
00:13:07And now it's time to destroy them a little bit more
00:13:10by seeing how slowly those cars go round the Ebola drone.
00:13:16And it's off in a clutch-slipping, smoky start.
00:13:20Oh, it's wet.
00:13:22And look at that lunging and pitching there.
00:13:25As she heads on to the Izzant.
00:13:28Having a look at the gear lever,
00:13:29make sure it hasn't fallen off.
00:13:31Sleeves very sensibly rolled down.
00:13:34Look at the body roll on it.
00:13:36Okay, here we are.
00:13:37Oh, she's fighting the wheel there.
00:13:38Morley!
00:13:39As she lunges down to your name here.
00:13:42It really is dodge-duck-dick-dive.
00:13:45It's like watching dodgeball.
00:13:47It's only slower and less amusing.
00:13:51Another glance down to the gear lever.
00:13:53And now ringing out that flat 12.
00:13:59Powerboating back towards old lady's house
00:14:02in a wake of spray.
00:14:05Can't imagine she's enjoying this.
00:14:08Right, hard on the brakes.
00:14:09Taking a wisely cautious line in there as it stopped.
00:14:13No, still moving just.
00:14:15And now, yep, lumbering towards substation.
00:14:20In fairness, it does sound quite good.
00:14:23Very good, actually.
00:14:26Yep, wallowing through there like a Rolls-Royce corniche.
00:14:29Just field of sheep to go.
00:14:31Yes, she's sliding it!
00:14:33And across the line.
00:14:37She's nuts!
00:14:38She's absolutely nuts!
00:14:39Absolutely nuts!
00:14:41Sliding a Tesserossa.
00:14:43I wouldn't do that for all the tea in China.
00:14:45Technical point that might confuse the viewers.
00:14:47You just said the roar from the flat 12.
00:14:49Yeah.
00:14:49Which is sort of right, but I said V12.
00:14:51I knew you did.
00:14:52Which is also sort of right, because it's not a boxer.
00:14:54So it's a 180 degree flat V12.
00:14:57Literally not interested.
00:14:58It's a flat, it's a flattish V12.
00:15:01Anyway, it's now time to see how the Lambo got on.
00:15:05And it's a snappier start for the Countach.
00:15:09Mashing its fat rear tyres into that sodden tarmac.
00:15:14It really is sodden.
00:15:16Quick look down to make sure it's in gear there.
00:15:19And now easing off through the second curve on the straight.
00:15:23And back on the power towards your name here.
00:15:27No need for Abby to go to the gym this week.
00:15:29She's getting all the workouts she needs in the Lambo.
00:15:34Turning in hard as she dare.
00:15:36Rear wing doing absolutely nothing as usual.
00:15:43Oh, I thought it was going to take off there.
00:15:45And now the joyless wrestle back towards old lady's house.
00:15:52Through the rain.
00:15:53Rush of the brakes I felt at the midpoint there.
00:15:57Now much harder braking.
00:15:59And down through the gears.
00:16:01Sounding like an angry tractor at low revs.
00:16:05And now in the damp dash towards substation.
00:16:09That makes an even better noise than the Ferrari really.
00:16:13Brilliant.
00:16:13Just two corners left.
00:16:15Will she get this one sliding in field of sheet?
00:16:18Bit of a wiggle there, but through the field of sheet.
00:16:21No.
00:16:22And there we are across the line.
00:16:26Great.
00:16:27Great.
00:16:29Great.
00:16:32Let's see where they go on the board.
00:16:35Lamborghini first.
00:16:36Hang on, that's the bottom of the board.
00:16:37Well, they're not going to the top, are they?
00:16:38Oh, there, look.
00:16:39You see, look at that.
00:16:4030th place.
00:16:41It's faster than a Ford Fiesta.
00:16:43I mean, come on.
00:16:44It's pretty good.
00:16:45That is tragically slow.
00:16:47And it was a long time ago.
00:16:50It doesn't look good, does it?
00:16:53Ford Focus.
00:16:53Honda Civic, Ford Focus are all quicker.
00:16:56All right, well, one good thing is the test throttle can't be much slower than that.
00:17:00Let's find out.
00:17:03Oh, my God!
00:17:06Oh, God!
00:17:07It is faster than the up, and they're both in the wet, so that's a fair comparison.
00:17:12A loser, I believe.
00:17:13Look, I think we have to face facts here.
00:17:16They're two very slow cars, but at least they are expensive and horrible to drive.
00:17:24Anyway, now it's time to bite into a cake of debate from the Café of Chat on the corner of
00:17:34Conversation Street.
00:17:48I think after 36 of those, we were running out of ideas.
00:17:52I was getting desperate.
00:17:54Now, any young people here looking forward to driving maybe one day?
00:17:58Thinking the future holds a Ferrari for you. Lamborghini.
00:18:02Framing them up.
00:18:02There's a company in Aberdeen who've decided that the future actually will look like this.
00:18:06Oh, God.
00:18:08Oh, yeah.
00:18:09Really?
00:18:10They're actually static.
00:18:11Yes.
00:18:12Yeah, they are.
00:18:13Of course, they're electric, obviously.
00:18:14Range of 35 miles.
00:18:15They're stackable cars.
00:18:17Wait, so they were like the human centipede, then?
00:18:22Not exactly like that.
00:18:24No.
00:18:25No.
00:18:26No.
00:18:26No.
00:18:27What I mean is, they're all connected together.
00:18:30Yeah, they're connected.
00:18:31Exactly, they're connected.
00:18:32So, hang on.
00:18:33What if you're in the one in the middle, right?
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:35And you want to go a different way to the one in the front, what are you going to do?
00:18:38You can't...
00:18:39No, it's worse than that, actually.
00:18:41Because what if you're in the one in the middle and you go a different way, you're not going to
00:18:43have any wheels,
00:18:43because they're going to be left attached to the ones in the front of the back.
00:18:45Oh, yeah, look, there's not enough wheels.
00:18:47It does look like that.
00:18:48I grant you.
00:18:48It looks ridiculous that the front of the back separated.
00:18:50Whoa, God damn bloody mess.
00:18:52But no, actually, it's an optical illusion.
00:18:53The back wheels are inboard, so you do have wheels.
00:18:55Right.
00:18:56Yeah, but what if you were in the back one and it was being driven by Richard Hammond from the
00:19:00front?
00:19:00You'd be bloody terrified, wouldn't you?
00:19:01Oh, right.
00:19:03Yes, that is a point, but I don't think you quite understand how this works.
00:19:07No, I don't.
00:19:08Because I need to check it out, right?
00:19:10It's quite complicated, so bear with me.
00:19:12You see, the idea is these cars are sort of everywhere for people to use, yes?
00:19:17And then at night, a man goes round in the green one, the one at front, and he collects all
00:19:22the others up behind him,
00:19:23he's a bit like those men you see at airports, you know, with all the trolleys,
00:19:26and he ends up with that big two-mile snake that bashes into your ankles.
00:19:29Oh, yeah.
00:19:29It's like that.
00:19:30So he gathers them all up.
00:19:31So hang on a minute, you drive home in the evening, say, in your car, and you go in the
00:19:36next morning,
00:19:36but it's gone because the bloke's collected it.
00:19:38Is that...?
00:19:40Yeah.
00:19:40That doesn't work, because most journeys by car are two-way.
00:19:43You get there, then you need to get back.
00:19:44Unless you're driving to Dignitas.
00:19:48Oh, they'd work for that.
00:19:50But maybe it's a Dignitas collection service.
00:19:52Look, the thing is, I'm going to try and work out how it actually...
00:19:56It's quite complicated.
00:19:57They have actually...
00:19:58There is a flowchart that explains how it works.
00:20:01Put that up, you see? Here we are.
00:20:03Oh, I see.
00:20:04So you're stabbed in the back with a giant fork and a briefcase,
00:20:07then you bump into one and two-thirds cars that turn into half a car that crash into a picture
00:20:13of a tray.
00:20:14This makes no sense at all.
00:20:16No.
00:20:17No, hang on a minute.
00:20:17So you get...
00:20:18You've got that wrong, Hammond.
00:20:19You get into two cars, but you only drive off in three-quarters of one,
00:20:22and you go to the station, because presumably you're going somewhere,
00:20:25but whilst you're going somewhere, somebody takes it away and puts it back.
00:20:28So when you get back to the station, you haven't got a bloody car anymore.
00:20:30When does it work?
00:20:31No, what they're saying is the future is going to be very inconvenient.
00:20:36Yeah, it sounds our way.
00:20:38That's basically what they're actually saying.
00:20:40I've got a blindingly good idea.
00:20:41I'd like to run this by you.
00:20:43Sure.
00:20:43In like a committee fashion.
00:20:45Mm-hmm.
00:20:45What if we had a car of our own?
00:20:48You could buy it or lease it, but it was like your car, and then...
00:20:52No, it's crazy, I know.
00:20:53Then there'd be a pretty good chance it would be wherever it was when you last left it,
00:20:57when you came back to it.
00:20:59So all these people, you've left cars in the car park here, have you?
00:21:02Yes.
00:21:02So they'd still be there.
00:21:04That's exactly it.
00:21:05That's exactly it.
00:21:06So imagine this, you go out and your car's still there.
00:21:09Brilliant.
00:21:10Let me run with that of them, eh?
00:21:11What if you could run these cars in a kind of magic juice?
00:21:16It takes two or three minutes to replenish them, you go hundreds of miles.
00:21:19What magic juice?
00:21:21Well, you could get it from underground.
00:21:22What's it made of?
00:21:24Squash prawns.
00:21:27It's all sounding a bit improbable, mate.
00:21:29That'll...
00:21:29Well, let's take on the company from Aberdeen and see who gets it more right.
00:21:34Can I talk about Robert Kubica?
00:21:36Polish Formula One driver.
00:21:37There's a picture of him there.
00:21:38Now, a few years ago, eight years ago actually, he had a terrible accident while doing a spot
00:21:42of rallying for fun.
00:21:43That was the car.
00:21:45You see the crash barrier went into the car.
00:21:47Broke every single bone on the right-hand side of his body.
00:21:50Everything from his heel to his shoulder.
00:21:52Had a seven-hour operation to put his arm back on again.
00:21:55And then 17 more operations after that.
00:21:58And his arm still doesn't work properly.
00:22:00But this weekend, he is back in a Formula One car.
00:22:03And I'd just like to say, I'm really brilliant.
00:22:06What a man.
00:22:07Or...
00:22:09I like, um...
00:22:13Mark Webber, okay, the Aussie F1 guy, former F1 guy.
00:22:17He welcomed him back to Formula One by tweeting,
00:22:20Palin's man is coming back.
00:22:21What a warrior and tenacious prick he is.
00:22:25To be fair, to be fair for an Australian, that is getting quite soppy.
00:22:28It is, yeah, it is.
00:22:29Ah, yeah, he's a prick.
00:22:31Oh, now...
00:22:33As I'm sure you know, there's a lot of work going on at the moment
00:22:35with sort of electric cars and driverless cars
00:22:37and the future of transportation and so on.
00:22:39Yes, we have noticed.
00:22:39Yes, exactly.
00:22:40All I want is something that stops things
00:22:43falling down the side of the seat when you're driving along.
00:22:46I want the car I've got now,
00:22:47but just something that stops that happening.
00:22:49That's it.
00:22:50That is the sum total of your ambition.
00:22:52Yes, it is, because...
00:22:53At this period of fundamental change in the whole concept
00:22:55of car ownership, car usage, car functionality...
00:22:59That's all I want.
00:23:00You've got something that stops...
00:23:01Because when you drive...
00:23:01They say it's dangerous to tweet when you're driving.
00:23:03Yeah?
00:23:04Yeah.
00:23:05Do you want me along like that?
00:23:05And he's, oh, no, I've dropped my phone.
00:23:07Drive down there.
00:23:08You've got the seat lifted up, your head's squatting,
00:23:10you're desperately shoving your hand down there,
00:23:12like shoving it in, and all the skin's been peeled back
00:23:15like a side...
00:23:15I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it...
00:23:17Like a determined vet.
00:23:19Exactly.
00:23:20Exactly.
00:23:21Exactly.
00:23:21And it just...
00:23:23Not exactly.
00:23:24Source of like...
00:23:25Come on, mole, give birth!
00:23:27It's burst!
00:23:28Why can't we just have a little bit of a flap?
00:23:30I mean, I'm doing it on this side,
00:23:31because we're all British,
00:23:31but you know, over here, whatever side...
00:23:34A little flap of material that stops things going down.
00:23:38I mean, how hard can that be?
00:23:39I know what you mean.
00:23:39It is an issue.
00:23:41I once looked under the driver's seat of my 911,
00:23:43and you'll remember this,
00:23:44I found eight pairs of sunglasses that I've lost and replaced.
00:23:48Just all under them.
00:23:49House keys, ingots, relatives.
00:23:52And eventually you do drop something,
00:23:54you know what it's like when you drop something,
00:23:55you think, I really do need to get that back,
00:23:56so you have to stop.
00:23:57And if you can't get it from here,
00:23:59you can't get it from here,
00:24:00so then you have to go round the back,
00:24:02and then you can never quite get in properly,
00:24:04so you've got your hand under it, like this.
00:24:06You're acting as...
00:24:07And there's always,
00:24:07there's always what feels like a bit of furry mucus.
00:24:11No, there is! There is! There is!
00:24:13You've seen it!
00:24:14That's always it!
00:24:14Like a hairy tumour.
00:24:15And it's squinting,
00:24:16and you go...
00:24:17It always, always is one of those,
00:24:19and it's always, always on top of whatever it was you lost.
00:24:22Do you know, the Holy Grail will probably turn up
00:24:25under somebody's driving seat.
00:24:26It will!
00:24:27I tell you what,
00:24:28if you went underneath everybody's seat,
00:24:30if you all, tonight,
00:24:31when you go back to the car,
00:24:32have a look under your car seats,
00:24:33you will find enough news change
00:24:36to pay for Brexit.
00:24:38LAUGHTER
00:24:39It could do it.
00:24:40I reckon we could pretty much pay the whole lot.
00:24:43Who's with me on this?
00:24:44Yes!
00:24:45Would you...
00:24:46There you go, you see,
00:24:47they actually think there's applauded.
00:24:48Well, three people applauded my idea.
00:24:52James.
00:24:53What?
00:24:53Interesting news.
00:24:54Oh, God.
00:24:56What do you mean, oh, God?
00:24:57Well, whenever one of you two says interesting news,
00:25:00it turns out to be about the war.
00:25:02No, this...
00:25:03It isn't about the war,
00:25:04this is interesting news about the speed of different birds.
00:25:07Yes!
00:25:07Oh, that's even worse!
00:25:09I love this.
00:25:09We've talked about this before.
00:25:11Yes, they've been going on about this ever since.
00:25:13He claimed to have clocked a pigeon doing 25 miles an hour.
00:25:17I did.
00:25:17He was climbing the long side,
00:25:18there was a pigeon that was doing 25.
00:25:19Anyway,
00:25:20a Swiss speed camera has clocked a duck.
00:25:25OK, it's clocked a duck.
00:25:26It's actually triggered the camera.
00:25:27We've got a picture here.
00:25:28Look.
00:25:28Proving it.
00:25:29Look, the duck said a duck.
00:25:30And it took a picture of a duck.
00:25:32How fast was it going?
00:25:3332 miles an hour.
00:25:34There you go.
00:25:3530.
00:25:36See, that's quite incredible,
00:25:37because if I was asked,
00:25:38I'd say a duck would do 20.
00:25:40It's not quite incredible,
00:25:42neither is it remotely interesting.
00:25:44It is interesting.
00:25:45It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond.
00:25:47How can the world be a poorer place
00:25:48for having a bit more knowledge in it?
00:25:50Exactly.
00:25:51Because that knowledge is peculiar and strange
00:25:53and doesn't matter a bugger to anyone.
00:25:56You're not going to be mocking
00:25:58when you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon
00:26:00and Jeremy and I are waving at each other
00:26:02from our super yachts
00:26:03because of the global success of our television series
00:26:05James and Jeremy's The Speed of Birds.
00:26:08It's going to be absolutely massive.
00:26:10Who would watch that?
00:26:11Come on, who would watch The Speed of Birds?
00:26:13There you go.
00:26:13I should see him as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern.
00:26:16Me.
00:26:19No!
00:26:20Never!
00:26:22I think that marks the end of conversation soon.
00:26:25Yes.
00:26:26I think it does.
00:26:27I think I'll move it on
00:26:28because all of us agree
00:26:29that we do love a hot hatchback.
00:26:32Yeah, we love that they're practical,
00:26:34cheap to run, cheap to repair,
00:26:36but they still go like demented baboons.
00:26:38Yeah, and now there's a new breed
00:26:40of small hot hatchback.
00:26:42And to find which one is best,
00:26:44we took the Grand Tour to that field just over there.
00:26:51Yes, the start point for our test
00:26:54was our own track in Oxfordshire.
00:26:56And this is what we'd assembled.
00:26:59I've brought the new Volkswagen Polo GTI,
00:27:03which has 197 horsepower.
00:27:07Richard Hammond has brought the new Ford Fiesta ST,
00:27:11which also has 197 horsepower.
00:27:15James May has brought the new Toyota Yaris,
00:27:18which has a ridiculous name.
00:27:21The...
00:27:26How do you say that?
00:27:29Grumina.
00:27:30It isn't Grumina.
00:27:31There's no uh-uh at the end.
00:27:32It says Grum...
00:27:34It is a funny name.
00:27:35What does it mean?
00:27:36Grum...
00:27:36Gazoo Racing Meisters of the Nürburgring.
00:27:40Oh, your favourite place!
00:27:42That's where it was developed.
00:27:43And what is Gazoo Racing?
00:27:44Gazoo Racing is Toyota's racing division.
00:27:47This has been done by a small group of people
00:27:49dedicating themselves over two years
00:27:51to making this the perfect hot hatch.
00:27:53Stiffened body shell, shorter springs,
00:27:55sacks dampers.
00:27:56It's got a supercharger.
00:27:57It's got special forged wheels.
00:27:59It's got special tyres.
00:28:00It's got stiffened anti-robots.
00:28:01It's even got a different steering rack
00:28:03from the standard Yaris.
00:28:04That's proper hot hatch technology.
00:28:06My car is just over 21,000.
00:28:09Yours is what?
00:28:10Just shy of 20?
00:28:10Just shy of 20.
00:28:11Yeah, just under 20.
00:28:13Over 26,000 pounds.
00:28:16And worth every penny
00:28:17because it's properly developed as a hot hatchback.
00:28:19It's not a pretty car.
00:28:21I think it's put make-up on one eye.
00:28:24It's slightly mad make-up on one eye.
00:28:25It's like this.
00:28:26It's like watching my daughters get ready in the morning.
00:28:28Am I done?
00:28:29Yeah, you're done.
00:28:30Yours is a brown car.
00:28:31It's not brown!
00:28:32That is brown.
00:28:33Oh, yeah, it is.
00:28:34It isn't, it's mushroom.
00:28:35The cameramen know about colour.
00:28:37Is it brown?
00:28:37It's brown.
00:28:37It's definitely brown.
00:28:39It's mushroom!
00:28:41At this point, we decided that instead of arguing about which car was best,
00:28:45we should do some actual tests, starting with a pursuit race.
00:28:51Each of us was spaced at equal distances around the track.
00:28:55And the rules were simple.
00:28:57When you're overtaken by the car behind, James is out.
00:29:03Can I just ask, why am I starting on the gravel on a bend when you two are on tarmac?
00:29:08Have you got launch control?
00:29:10No.
00:29:11Well, that's your look out then, isn't it?
00:29:13I have.
00:29:14All right.
00:29:15Whatevs.
00:29:15Let's go.
00:29:18Launch control active.
00:29:19I'm ready.
00:29:23I'm ready.
00:29:24Three, two, one, go.
00:29:30Oh, and we are away.
00:29:40Oh, it's alive, the little thing, this.
00:29:48Let's not forget, shall we, that Volkswagen invented the hot hatchback.
00:29:53And they're still the best at it.
00:29:56Take an ordinary hatchback, stiffen the suspension, stiffen the body, give it a big engine.
00:30:02The end.
00:30:05Kazoo!
00:30:06It's nice.
00:30:07It feels torn.
00:30:09What happens here?
00:30:10Where does it go?
00:30:18This is a crack.
00:30:20I love these.
00:30:24There's little crackles and bangs from the exhaust.
00:30:26It's got valves in it to make it sound good.
00:30:34Come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:30:36And into the gravel cell.
00:30:41It's actually quite funny the way the tail will slide around and then you can feel the brakes grabbing to
00:30:48stop it actually spinning.
00:30:51That way, you can have lots of fun without there being blood or an ambulance.
00:31:01No, got it wrong, I've got Jesi behind me.
00:31:05The gnmmmmnum is right in my sights now.
00:31:10Come on, come on, come on, this is exciting times now.
00:31:13Yeah, incorrect.
00:31:19That's over it did it.
00:31:22It's hard to see where I'm going now due to the dust cloud from the...
00:31:31Whoa! I know Hammond's catching past it as well. This is getting very interesting.
00:31:37Right. Time to reel Jeremy in.
00:31:41Come on, come on, come on. This is...
00:31:43Too wide.
00:31:46Get out! Ha-ha!
00:31:48With the roadblock out of the way, it became a two-horse war of attrition.
00:31:54Come on, Clarkson, you're mine.
00:31:58Grip, grip, grip, grip.
00:32:06Hot hatchbacks are such a riot. They really are.
00:32:13If someone were to say to me now, do you want to get out and swap into a 911 Turbo
00:32:18or a 488?
00:32:19I'd say no. I honestly do not want to do that.
00:32:23Oh, with a lift-off oversteer. That's what you want in a hot hatch.
00:32:33Several laps later, both of us were still the same distance apart.
00:32:40It just occurred to me, we both have the same knowledge of this track.
00:32:45We both have 197 horsepower.
00:32:49This race may take a while.
00:32:52However...
00:32:53Brakes are fading. I can feel them fading a bit. They do get hot.
00:32:57Mine, meanwhile, had got smoky hot.
00:33:02So, much to the annoyance of our colleague,
00:33:06we decided to call it a draw.
00:33:09Can I just say, if this was a proper race rather than a catchy-up race,
00:33:12I'd now be in the lead because I treated my car properly and didn't overheat the brakes.
00:33:16Have you heard this?
00:33:16I did hear that.
00:33:17But you don't pause in a race.
00:33:18So, in other words, if you drive slowly, you win?
00:33:21Yes.
00:33:21Because my brakes aren't overheating, I could still be going round.
00:33:24You never went more than 28 miles an hour!
00:33:26Rubbish!
00:33:27When did you watch a motor race on the television, on grandstand or whatever?
00:33:30Rather than listen to any more of May's bizarre theories on motorsport,
00:33:35we decided to move on to the next challenge.
00:33:40A drag race.
00:33:42Let me talk you through the engine.
00:33:43It's a two-litre turbo.
00:33:47What more do you want?
00:33:48Right, launch control.
00:33:50I'm ready.
00:33:51I'm also ready.
00:33:53James, on the other hand, has some explaining to do about his gnm.
00:34:00This engine's actually pretty interesting because, first and foremost,
00:34:03it's been breathed upon by Lotus.
00:34:05They actually use a similar spec engine in the Elise.
00:34:08But perhaps more interestingly, it's supercharged,
00:34:10which is unusual in a hot hatchback.
00:34:12Why bother with a supercharger?
00:34:14It's heavier than a turbocharger.
00:34:16It puts more mechanical drag on the engine.
00:34:21So the headline figures are, I have the most power, 209 horsepower.
00:34:25have the lowest weight, 1,135 kilograms,
00:34:29and that's over 200 kilograms lighter than Clarkson's VW.
00:34:33Eventually, James finished talking and we were ready to go.
00:34:38I probably won't win this.
00:34:40My problem is, I've got the heaviest car and I'm the heaviest driver.
00:34:51And we are away.
00:34:55Where's that bloody polo going?
00:35:04Where's that bloody polo going?
00:35:06Yes!
00:35:08Oh, what?
00:35:10A victory for the fat boy!
00:35:14That can only mean that VW have got their figures wrong.
00:35:19Again.
00:35:21This surprising result called for a bit of a debrief.
00:35:26The mushroom-coloured polo...
00:35:29Brown...
00:35:29The brown VW has won.
00:35:32Yeah.
00:35:32Actually, I've got to be honest, I am quite surprised by its astonishing victory.
00:35:37It is really annoying and there's nothing you can do.
00:35:39Because it's heavy.
00:35:40Yeah.
00:35:41And it's only as powerful as this.
00:35:42The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference.
00:35:44Yeah, the double clutch.
00:35:45I mean, every time you two have to change gear, you lose 20 yards.
00:35:49Well, there's no way can you keep up with that in an old-fashioned box.
00:35:52It's one gear, then another.
00:35:54Hang on.
00:35:56Text from Mr Wilman.
00:35:58You idiots.
00:35:59Nice.
00:36:01Stop banging on about double-clutch gearboxes and lift off oversteer.
00:36:05These cars are supposed to appeal to young people and they have no idea what those things are.
00:36:13The winner of this test will be the car that appeals most to millennials, not old men like you.
00:36:20So, what test do we do that young people would be interested...
00:36:24No, wait. I've had an idea.
00:36:26What exactly is a millennial?
00:36:34Once we'd explained this to James, we left the test track and began our new youth-friendly road test.
00:36:42And then on the windscreen, a transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen.
00:36:49The other Jeremy, of course, is the great Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.
00:36:55A man with the same initials as the baby Jesus.
00:36:59One of the prophets of Islam.
00:37:03Richard, meanwhile, had, for some reason, put the shipping forecast on the doors of the Fiesta.
00:37:11Why have you got Stormy on the side of your car?
00:37:14Because that's the name of the rapper that young people adore.
00:37:18No, that's Storm Z.
00:37:19Well, Stormy's that sexual intercourse enthusiast in America.
00:37:24Popular with young people?
00:37:29Meanwhile, I'd headed for an organic farm shop to test out my young people modification.
00:37:35What I fitted to my car, it's powered by the same USB port that you'd normally use to recharge your
00:37:40vape bong,
00:37:41is the most important thing in a millennial's life.
00:37:45And that is, of course, a juicer.
00:37:47Ta-da!
00:37:48Now, using this, I can make a whole range of tasty and nutritious juices using a variety of ethically sound
00:37:55ingredients.
00:37:56And that means I won't be beholden to evil American corporations that murder baby veals and snap the beaks off
00:38:04chickens.
00:38:07Back on the road, Jeremy and I were busy competing to win the hearts and minds of the snowflakes.
00:38:14Because you're young, you'll care very much about the environment.
00:38:18So you'll be very glad to know that unlike the Polo and the Toyota, this doesn't have four cylinders.
00:38:23The Fiesta only has three.
00:38:25And in fact, when it's cruising, it can deactivate one of them and go down to two.
00:38:30That's a world first on a three-cylinder car.
00:38:32And what it means is, it's nicer to polar bears.
00:38:38The seats in here are made from cloth, so no cow was harmed in the making of the interior, apart
00:38:46from a small veal who was used to make the steering wheel.
00:38:49But that's it.
00:38:56Right, this one is kale, apple, line-caught avocado and ethical water, plus my reading glasses, which I'm afraid fell
00:39:05in there earlier on.
00:39:06But it doesn't matter, they've got plastic lenses, so they're perfectly safe.
00:39:12Mmm.
00:39:13Someone's going to want that.
00:39:14Up.
00:39:17In order to see if we were on the right track, Richard and I had headed into the wonderful anti
00:39:24-car city of Oxford.
00:39:27Many, many cyclists here.
00:39:32Look at the way young people are improving of my car and my stickers.
00:39:40I speak the language of the millennial.
00:39:44Hammond and May won't be able to do that because they're in a Ford and a Toyota.
00:39:47They're bad whips.
00:39:50You'll see there's a bus lane here, and the Fiesta is showing no sign at all of it complaining that
00:39:57half the road is completely empty and unused.
00:40:02This car has no problem with that.
00:40:04There's a couple of hikers here, Hammond, on my left.
00:40:08I'm not judging them, because judging people is wrong.
00:40:12Oh, cyclist.
00:40:17Maniac!
00:40:20Having drunk his spectacles, James was now on the move.
00:40:23Right, my latest juice has a bit of an Asian flavour because it's made with okra, some ground-up dried
00:40:31ginger, a touch of garlic, a pinch of garam masala and a pork pie.
00:40:38Now, this car was, of course, developed at the Nürburgring, which might sound not very millennial, but on the other
00:40:44hand, it is the world's greenest circuit.
00:40:47It is completely...
00:40:48Oh!
00:40:50Oh!
00:40:50Oh, gee!
00:40:51Oh!
00:40:55Oh, God!
00:40:56Oh!
00:40:58Oh!
00:41:00Oh!
00:41:01Oh!
00:41:04Back to the tent.
00:41:11Well, from you drinking plastic, which is evil, I thought that was all going rather well, the test appealing to
00:41:18young people.
00:41:19Yeah, we'd talked about carbon dioxide and polar bears and expressed our support for the Labour Party.
00:41:25Yeah, I mean, apart from the bit where the juicer blew up in my face, obviously it was all going
00:41:29rather excellently, we thought.
00:41:30It was, yeah.
00:41:31Yeah.
00:41:31But, unfortunately, Mr. Wilman said we hadn't got the idea at all.
00:41:35No.
00:41:36And that to really appeal to millennials, we had to somehow get our cars in the Mail Online.
00:41:42Mm, now this was a bit of a problem for James, who claims he's never read the Mail Online.
00:41:46I haven't.
00:41:47You're not really the Mail's target audience, James.
00:41:50What do you mean by that?
00:41:51Well, you're not a mealy-mouthed, bitter person who believes that everyone who is luckier, better-looking, richer and more
00:41:59talented than you are,
00:42:00should be torn to shreds and executed.
00:42:04Right.
00:42:04Well, whatever, the rules were simple, we had to drive into London and then do something with our cars that
00:42:12would get the paparazzi to take a picture of them.
00:42:14Yes, and then the winner would be the person who got the most amount of those pictures actually published.
00:42:23I decided that what I'd do was take my wife out for dinner at the glittering Bluebird Restaurant on the
00:42:30famous King's Road.
00:42:32It's a popular haunt for the paps, this, and I felt sure we'd be snapped getting out of the little
00:42:38fort.
00:42:39Okay, right, so remember to smile and look like you really like me. Like a lot.
00:42:49Right, hold my hand. There. And then we'll just turn around for a bit.
00:42:57Looking forward to dinner with my wife, Mindy.
00:43:04Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided that to get himself noticed, he'd have a puncture and then get a celebrity like Binky
00:43:13Felstead to help him mend it.
00:43:17Did you grab the spare wheel?
00:43:19Really?
00:43:25You have to twiddle it so the car goes up, wait really high in the sky.
00:43:28For God's sake.
00:43:30Come on, get back into this.
00:43:33I'm exhausted.
00:43:36James, meanwhile, was driving a car that's never been papped to a part of London that's never been papped.
00:43:42With his dinner date, historian Mary Beard, who hasn't been papped either.
00:43:50I'm absolutely delighted.
00:43:53I mean, this has made my month, this.
00:43:55Oh, well, thank you, that's very generous.
00:43:58James then tried to think of some interesting small talk.
00:44:10This has this handy piece of bread in the steering wheel, so you know when you're going in a straight
00:44:13line, you see.
00:44:16It's a lot of everything.
00:44:19Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...
00:44:22There's no paps. There's nobody here.
00:44:25No.
00:44:25There's no photographers.
00:44:29It's ridiculous.
00:44:30I'm always being photographed here.
00:44:33Look.
00:44:33Here I am.
00:44:35And here I am.
00:44:36And here...
00:44:37No, she's just...
00:44:38She's just a friend from work.
00:44:41She's trying to have an argument.
00:44:43I don't want to have an argument.
00:44:45Well, there you go. I do.
00:44:46And you don't, so we're already having an argument.
00:44:48This is good. Yeah, but we can just, you know, look a bit animated.
00:44:52Having parked his car, James was now in his favourite Indian restaurant, having a lesson in classical history.
00:45:00The idea of the bloke is that he is penetrating.
00:45:05To be a man is to be the penetrator.
00:45:09Every orifice you like, sex, wherever.
00:45:14Can I say, this is not what I was expecting.
00:45:16I was thinking you were going to give me some information about the shape of arches.
00:45:19Oh, well, we can go on to that.
00:45:24So you've got to get that lined up.
00:45:26And then put the new ones in.
00:45:30What are you doing? Are you... if you're not...
00:45:32I'm sorry, it's really greasy.
00:45:33I know.
00:45:34This may have been just a puncture, but it was proving to be big news.
00:45:42And that is how you change a wheel.
00:45:44If you ever have a puncture on the motorway, you're going to be so grateful for this moment.
00:45:49Yeah, lesson learned, Jeremy.
00:45:51With dinner over, the two most unpappable people in history were waiting to be packed.
00:45:57We just stand here looking a bit sort of, you know...
00:46:00Embarrassed.
00:46:02Well...
00:46:02Expectant.
00:46:03Somebody will come and take a picture of us.
00:46:18I just had a thought.
00:46:20I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but actually the idea of this was to get the
00:46:23car in the paper.
00:46:24Well, no, because I should have parked it outside.
00:46:30Excuse me.
00:46:40Oh, wait a minute. There is one. There's one. There's one. Don't point. Don't point. Don't look. There's one over
00:46:44there. There he is.
00:46:46Pap, there.
00:46:47However, before any pictures were taken, May and I hatched a plan we'd been working on for years.
00:46:54Go.
00:47:04Oh, you bastards.
00:47:07That was my...
00:47:10Get in.
00:47:19James, did you burp in front of Mary Beard?
00:47:23I did. I'm sorry. It just fell out. I apologize.
00:47:26And also, I know a lot of people will be thinking, oh, we engineered that. We really genuinely didn't.
00:47:30All you have to do to get papped when you're in our line of work is go into London and
00:47:34do something mildly out of the ordinary and then they swarm around.
00:47:38Or get absolutely clattered and fall out of a club with no trousers on.
00:47:41Yeah, that's a good way of doing it. Anyway.
00:47:43Or catch pneumonia.
00:47:44Anyway, while... Yes.
00:47:45I've had that a few times.
00:47:47Anyway, listen. While we were waiting to see which one of our antics got into the mail online, Mr. Wilman
00:47:53came up with another youth-friendly idea.
00:47:57Yep. He said each of us had to take a picture of our car and then see which of us
00:48:01got the most likes of their snap on Instagram.
00:48:07Having split up, we set to work on our respective plans.
00:48:12Well, £50 is very reasonable, yeah.
00:48:15£50,000.
00:48:17Oh, right.
00:48:19Erm, I'll ring you back in a bit.
00:48:22Yeah, cheers.
00:48:27My idea was to put me and the car in one of the pods of the famous London Eye so
00:48:32that we could have a picture right at the top with the fantastic people.
00:48:35They want £50,000. I thought he meant 50 quid.
00:48:38Let's think of something else.
00:48:41I had done just that.
00:48:44For my Instagram picture, I am not messing about. I've recruited a top photographer and I'm very excited because he's
00:48:50brilliant.
00:48:51Look at that.
00:48:54His name is David Yarrow.
00:48:57He's one of the world's greatest wildlife photographers and his plan was to recreate this shot using my car instead
00:49:06of the tiger.
00:49:08So I'm coming in.
00:49:09I think the most important thing is to have energy. It's got to be full, it's got to be dynamic.
00:49:14And that means I think we need water flying up between me and the car.
00:49:19I want to be as close safety-wise as you'll allow me to be.
00:49:24Yeah, yeah, got your number.
00:49:26OK.
00:49:29Back in London, I'd come up with a brilliant idea.
00:49:36Morning.
00:49:51Morning.
00:49:56Hiya.
00:49:58Put some clothes on.
00:50:01Eventually, my shot was in the can.
00:50:09As was May's.
00:50:12And so, after no work at all, was Jeremy's.
00:50:48This is a tricky one because over 300 hours of footage are uploaded to YouTube every minute.
00:50:56You wouldn't think that many cats fell into waste disposal units, would you?
00:51:00No, I don't.
00:51:01You wouldn't, but it seems they do.
00:51:02So we had to think of something very special.
00:51:04How could we make our cars shine in this crowded firmament?
00:51:08Push them into a waste disposal unit.
00:51:09I think that's got to be it.
00:51:11Or what I did to get my Ford noticed, I decided to stage a big stunt.
00:51:18In order to make my first stunt video, I went to a very long runway.
00:51:24And once my star performer had warmed up, we were ready to roll.
00:51:34And today, history is being made.
00:51:40Good luck.
00:51:50Oh, I can't watch.
00:52:03Yes!
00:52:05We are going to break the internet with that.
00:52:10Meanwhile, James had gone for a rather different approach.
00:52:14Now, if you go on YouTube, which I do quite a lot, you will notice that something that's very popular
00:52:19with so-called millennials is the unboxing video.
00:52:22It's usually something like an idle student with nothing better to do, simply taking something they've bought out of the
00:52:28box and talking about it.
00:52:30Hey, what's up? What's going on, everybody? The delivery guys just left, got it here, and haven't even taken it
00:52:35out of the box yet.
00:52:36This bloke is unboxing a new television set he's bought.
00:52:40Oh, my God. You guys ready?
00:52:45Look how many hits it's got.
00:52:48The stand is not mounted on it. You'll have to put that on later.
00:52:56Hi, guys. It's May. Welcome, brothers and sisters, to my latest unboxing video.
00:53:01And this is a big one. It's a car.
00:53:11Oh, yes.
00:53:15Look how clean that is.
00:53:18Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided to create a fast show-style character called David Souffle.
00:53:25Oh, yes.
00:53:25Yeah.
00:53:28He turned around very proud of them.
00:53:29He turned around a little bit and said,
00:53:37News różne.
00:53:59I don't know his name, but it doesn't matter
00:54:07because in a moment I'm going to run him over.
00:54:13And here we go.
00:54:17Yes!
00:54:19Didn't kill a man.
00:54:25Oh, I like that a lot.
00:54:33Oh, I like that a lot.
00:55:22I like that a lot.
00:55:25Oh, I like that a lot.
00:55:39Meanwhile, I was ready for my final stunt, using my car to get a man in a boat across a
00:55:47lake.
00:55:50I have no idea what's going to happen here in terms of limb breakages, so I'm using an office junior
00:55:56to do it.
00:55:57He's cheap, obedient and expendable.
00:55:59Key ingredients for stuff like this.
00:56:02So, let's make him a YouTube star.
00:56:07Okay, now using science and maths, I have calculated that 30 miles an hour is the correct speed to do
00:56:14this.
00:56:17Here we go.
00:56:18Here we go, launching.
00:56:22Come on, little fella.
00:56:29Woo!
00:56:29Glorious!
00:56:31Well done!
00:56:32You can have Christmas Day off.
00:56:34APPLAUSE
00:56:35That was an impressive stunt.
00:56:37It was cool, yeah.
00:56:38I agree with that.
00:56:39How's this therapy working out?
00:56:41Getting over it.
00:56:43OK, what we've got here is the scoreboard that will help us determine which is the best of the small
00:56:49hot hatches.
00:56:49We've already filled in the scores for price, the pursuit race and the drag race.
00:56:53Now we've got the paparazzi thing.
00:56:55Hammond, how did you get on?
00:56:56Well, you two put the pap in a bag, didn't you?
00:57:00Well, we did, but actually we should sell those bags to celebrities.
00:57:03We should, because they're rather clever.
00:57:04You pull a drawstring and not only can't you take any pictures, you can't get out of the car.
00:57:08Yes, it's also technically false imprisonment.
00:57:11Yes.
00:57:11Well, yeah, it's so trapping a wasp in a jam jar, nobody complains about that, does it?
00:57:14Yes, well, anyway, it didn't work because obviously there must have been another pap that we didn't spot,
00:57:19because this picture appeared.
00:57:22Ha-ha!
00:57:23Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:57:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:57:26Wait a minute, the rules said it had to have the car in it and I don't see the car
00:57:30in that picture.
00:57:31It also said mail online and I'm guessing, there's some evidence to suggest that is the sun, not the sun.
00:57:38Yeah, I hoped you wouldn't spot that.
00:57:39Yeah, we did.
00:57:40I didn't do very well.
00:57:41I think that gives you a zero, Hammond.
00:57:44Yes, so you get a zero.
00:57:46Now, James May, how did you get on taking the older woman out for a curry in Hammersmith
00:57:51and then parking your car in an underground car park?
00:57:53Not that well, actually.
00:57:55How not that well?
00:57:56Nought not that well.
00:57:57OK.
00:57:58Let's see the thing.
00:57:59My plan was rather successful.
00:58:01Was it?
00:58:0249 pictures appeared of my car and me and Binky in the Mail Online.
00:58:0649?
00:58:0849 pictures.
00:58:09Well, hang on a minute.
00:58:1049 pictures of a fat old bloke and a young girl I've never heard of changing a wheel?
00:58:14I know.
00:58:15And the extraordinary thing is, I'd like to show you the 49 pictures, but got in touch with the Mail
00:58:20Online yesterday, OK, to say, can we have the pictures?
00:58:23Do you want to know how much they were going to charge?
00:58:27122,000 pounds.
00:58:29What?
00:58:30Could you not?
00:58:31They take a picture of me, they ruin my life, and then for me to buy the picture back is
00:58:37122,000 pounds.
00:58:40There are 49 pictures on there, have you?
00:58:43Although, don't show the cameras, otherwise there'll be a bill for 120 grand.
00:58:46But the good thing is...
00:58:47Exactly, because of that, you score 49.
00:58:49Yes, I do.
00:58:50There's no getting around that.
00:58:5149.
00:58:51Yes, I do.
00:58:52Which moves us on to Instagram.
00:58:54OK.
00:58:54James May, how did you do with your picture on the bus?
00:58:57I scored nought.
00:58:59Nought?
00:58:59Yeah.
00:59:00How did you get nought?
00:59:02Well, it's quite interesting, you see, I didn't have an Instagram account, so I set one up.
00:59:06That was a surprise.
00:59:07No, but I set one up, and then as I was setting it up, I realised there was someone else
00:59:11on Instagram pretending to be me.
00:59:13So I filled in that reporting thing that pulls down, you know, and I sent it off, and all credit
00:59:17to Instagram.
00:59:18They reacted very quickly, by that afternoon, in fact, and they shut me down.
00:59:23You?
00:59:23Yeah, they didn't shut down the fake James May, they shut the real one down.
00:59:27They killed the wrong James May.
00:59:29OK, well, that's quite interesting.
00:59:30What's interesting me, though, is that there's a man somewhere out in the world, or woman,
00:59:34who's thought, I could pretend to be anyone I like, I shall pretend to be James May.
00:59:39I know.
00:59:39It's very ambitious, isn't it?
00:59:41George Clooney.
00:59:42I know, but anyway, the net result of that, as they say in the army, is that I have nought.
00:59:47Nought.
00:59:48You're doing very well.
00:59:49I've got one, yeah.
00:59:50So, Hammond, how did you get on?
00:59:53Well, my picture was brilliant.
00:59:56Look at it.
00:59:56Look at that.
00:59:57No, that is good.
00:59:58Apart from the slogan with the sexual intercourse, that is an amazing photograph granted.
01:00:03So, how many people have viewed it and looked it on Instagram?
01:00:08Nine.
01:00:10Nine?
01:00:11No.
01:00:12You see, I don't really do Instagram, so I don't have many followers, so only nine people have seen it.
01:00:18Oh dear, because I got 54,000.
01:00:20Oh, for God's sake!
01:00:22Yes, but you do do Instagram.
01:00:24Yes, I do.
01:00:25So you got lots of followers.
01:00:26Yes, I do, so put 54,000.
01:00:28Hang on a minute, let's look at this in a more positive light, Hammond.
01:00:30He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers.
01:00:33Yes.
01:00:33So, 1.46 million people actively didn't like his picture.
01:00:37That's a little bit of looking at it.
01:00:39That's a lose, really.
01:00:40It wasn't my best work, I admit.
01:00:41It was a hurried shot.
01:00:42What was it?
01:00:4254,000.
01:00:4454,000.
01:00:44That does change the scoreline a bit, doesn't it?
01:00:47It changes the scoreline a lot, because I'm now on 54,053.
01:00:49Right.
01:00:51And you're on one.
01:00:52Yeah, I'm on one.
01:00:53Yeah, I'm on one.
01:00:53Anyway, I also, it gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two, because YouTube.
01:00:58Go on.
01:00:58I didn't add them all up, but my first David Souffle video on YouTube, 266,000 views.
01:01:06Oh, my God.
01:01:07More than a quarter of a million people.
01:01:16You are ahead now.
01:01:18Yes, I'm just comfortably in the lead, I would say.
01:01:23So, come on, Hammond.
01:01:2516,800.
01:01:26What, for all that effort?
01:01:28I know.
01:01:29I don't get it either, because I gave it a really cool, tempting caption.
01:01:33It said, look, epic street fight broken up by Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum,
01:01:37whilst Prince Philip tightrope walks between two cars.
01:01:40Who doesn't want to look at that?
01:01:42You actually put that as the caption?
01:01:43That's what it said.
01:01:44It's clickbait.
01:01:45And then the YouTube millennials thought, no, I'd rather watch a cat go.
01:01:48That's ridiculous.
01:01:49That is, I'm sorry, that is pathetic.
01:01:51Young people, you're pathetic.
01:01:53Right, so, there we are.
01:01:55Those are the scores at the moment.
01:01:56You're out.
01:01:57Yes.
01:01:57And James, I'm looking, and I'm thinking, and just a quick adding up.
01:02:01Unless you manage to find 325,000 people who are prepared to spend 16 minutes,
01:02:10because that's how long that unboxing video was, 16 minutes watching you taking a small Toyota
01:02:16hatchback out of a cardboard box, I've won.
01:02:19Yes.
01:02:20So?
01:02:22330.
01:02:26Thousand.
01:02:40You see the stars of it.
01:02:42How does he always manage to win?
01:02:44Well, I think on this occasion it was partly because you tried to appeal to millennials by creating a
01:02:49far show type character when nobody under 40 has ever heard of the far show.
01:02:53No, that's exactly right.
01:02:54You might as well have done the comedy adventures of Neville Chamberlain in 1939.
01:02:57That would have been better.
01:02:59So, because there are more people who'd rather watch an old man take a small car out of
01:03:04a box than watch him endangering Office Junior or me wearing a moustache, we have to deduce
01:03:10that the best of the small hot hatchbacks is comfortably the worst.
01:03:16Yeah.
01:03:17That is our conclusion.
01:03:18Yeah.
01:03:18And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
01:03:20Thank you so much for watching.
01:03:21See you next time.
01:03:22Goodbye.
01:03:23Bye.
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