#TheGrandTour #OneForTheRoad #ClarksonHammondMay #FinalLap #ZimbabweSpecial
After 22 years of automotive mayhem, the trio—Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May—have reached the end of the road. In their final special, "One For The Road," they head to Zimbabwe in three cars they’ve always wanted to own: a Lancia Montecarlo, a Ford Capri, and a Triumph Stag. We dive into the most emotional moments, the stunning African landscapes, and the legacy left behind by the men who changed car television forever. Goodbye to the best car show in the world.
#AmazonPrime #CarReview #JeremyClarkson #RichardHammond #JamesMay #AutomotiveHistory
After 22 years of automotive mayhem, the trio—Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May—have reached the end of the road. In their final special, "One For The Road," they head to Zimbabwe in three cars they’ve always wanted to own: a Lancia Montecarlo, a Ford Capri, and a Triumph Stag. We dive into the most emotional moments, the stunning African landscapes, and the legacy left behind by the men who changed car television forever. Goodbye to the best car show in the world.
#AmazonPrime #CarReview #JeremyClarkson #RichardHammond #JamesMay #AutomotiveHistory
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MotorTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:50CastingWords
00:01:13Thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Grand Tour, which, once again, is
00:01:23in Whitby.
00:01:29There is actually a very good reason for that. It's because these two last week blew up my house and
00:01:35I literally have nowhere else to go.
00:01:37Yeah. Plus, plus, James May lost the tent back.
00:01:41Yeah, he did. He did do that. Anyway, we were reminiscing, as we've been here all week,
00:01:48and we worked out that Yorkshire is the only place on earth where all three of us have had a
00:01:55car crash.
00:01:56What was yours?
00:01:58Triumph 2,500 rolled over.
00:02:01Yeah, Hammond?
00:02:01My first car, my second car, my mum's car, my dad's car, my third and fourth cars, my first four
00:02:10motorcycles,
00:02:11the Radio York radio van, the Radio Leeds radio car, and the jet-powered dragster.
00:02:17Oh, yes.
00:02:21Wizzy, and what about you?
00:02:25Well, me, I tell you, 1977, when the driving examiner said to me,
00:02:30congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you've passed,
00:02:33what I heard was, congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you are the best driver I've ever seen.
00:02:3936 hours later, and that's all it was, 36 hours, I'd been on the road,
00:02:43stuffed my mother's Audi, wheels came off, killed the sheep.
00:02:48So if you're the farmer, sorry about that.
00:02:51Anyway, I'm glad we're still in Yorkshire, because last week,
00:02:54we said there was no real motoring connection with the county,
00:02:57and it turns out, that's not true.
00:03:00As I was reading TripAdvisor last night,
00:03:03now, TripAdvisor is a website for the mealy-mouthed and the bitter.
00:03:06Well, hang on, I mean, it's not, it's horrible.
00:03:08No, seriously, it's useless, apart from anything else,
00:03:11because you have to know someone before their opinion is relevant.
00:03:15I mean, I know Hammond, OK?
00:03:17So if he tells me a restaurant's great, I know I don't want to go there.
00:03:21Because it's going to be rubbish.
00:03:23You're absolutely right, actually, because, I mean, that bloke in the hat over there,
00:03:26I don't care how many stars he gives Oxfam Whitby, I'm not going.
00:03:32Exactly. Anyway.
00:03:33Anyway, I went on TripAdvisor, OK, and there was a review of Whitby.
00:03:39And it said, and I'm quoting here,
00:03:42one aspect of Whitby is the large number of local chavs
00:03:47who drive around the town in a circuit in their noise-enhanced cars.
00:03:53Already I don't like this person.
00:03:54They accelerated down the narrow streets and then slowed their engines down quickly
00:04:00as they approached a junction, causing explosive-sounding backfiring.
00:04:06He sounds like a right knob.
00:04:07Of course he's a right knob.
00:04:08He's leaving a message on TripAdvisor.
00:04:11Anyway, the police, the police, the local police here, they've decided they've had enough of people,
00:04:17how they put it, driving away in a manner that causes their wheels to spin and screech.
00:04:22OK, so they decided to have a clampdown.
00:04:25But, and this is the quote I love,
00:04:26the operation was curtailed due to poor weather.
00:04:32Well, are they saying...
00:04:34Well, they didn't go out because it was raining.
00:04:35It's right, yeah, no.
00:04:37Law enforcement in Whitby is like cricket.
00:04:39Everybody just goes inside if it starts to drizzle.
00:04:41So this is the Whitby Town Police we're talking about?
00:04:45Yeah, the WTPD.
00:04:46Yeah.
00:04:48No, hang on a minute.
00:04:49This is North York, so it's NYPD.
00:04:52Oh, it actually did.
00:04:53It's the NYPD!
00:04:54That would be a brilliant police drama.
00:04:57Right, constable.
00:04:59I've had the chief constable, he's chewed my arse.
00:05:03The mayor's chewed his arse, now I'm going to chew your arse.
00:05:06We've got these lads, they're doing, well, chabs, they're doing like wheel screechers.
00:05:10And you've got 48 hours to solve it or I'll have your badge in your truncheon.
00:05:17Anyway, on our car show tonight,
00:05:21a tree falls over.
00:05:24A hedgehog makes a noise.
00:05:28And a dog eats some meat.
00:05:32But we begin with Porsche.
00:05:34They offer an immense and immensely complicated range of cars, all under the 911 banner.
00:05:41Now, Porsche enthusiasts, by which I mean these two imbeciles, say that they're all slightly different.
00:05:47Completely different?
00:05:49No, slightly different.
00:05:50And that the best of the bunch is something called the GT3 RS.
00:05:54So, I thought I'd take it to our track to see what it was like.
00:05:58And let's just hope that for once in your life you haven't behaved like a child.
00:06:03What do you mean?
00:06:04Well, I just said it's no good because I've got one.
00:06:08Hammond, I am a professional motoring journalist, and coming up...
00:06:15Amongst other things, coming up now is my professional review.
00:06:24This is the car in question.
00:06:28No, wait.
00:06:29Sorry.
00:06:30Hang on.
00:06:31It's easy to be confused.
00:06:33This is it.
00:06:58It has the fattest back tires I've ever seen on a road car.
00:07:03It has scaffolding in the back for stiffness, carbon fiber body panels for lightness.
00:07:08The roof is made from magnesium.
00:07:11So, if you turn it over and there are sparks, there'll be a blinding flash of light and then
00:07:16you'll have a convertible.
00:07:27Like many people, I don't really like the idea of the Porsche 911.
00:07:32And I certainly don't like the people who drive them.
00:07:35I find them flawed in some dark and rather disgusting way.
00:07:40But I will grudgingly admit that even the basic cooking models are extremely lovely to drive.
00:07:47They're just very good sports cars.
00:07:52But what about this one?
00:07:55Well, let's find out.
00:08:05Straight away, I can tell you the engine is incredible.
00:08:12There's no turbo charging.
00:08:14It's just a four-litre flat six.
00:08:18But you get 500 horsepower and it's redlined at 9,000 RPM.
00:08:34That's bike territory.
00:08:38But the best thing is the way it goes around corners.
00:08:42Because it's got four-wheel steering and because the engine is sitting right over the rear axle,
00:08:50the grip is just astonishing.
00:08:58I've engaged all the hero buttons down here, turned all the electronic driver aids off.
00:09:05And let's see if I can unstick it.
00:09:08In here, far too fast into swind and swings.
00:09:16Not swings, that's something completely different.
00:09:19But anyway, no loss of traction at all.
00:09:25I thought when I read the spec sheet on the RS that Porsche had tried to make a supercar arrival
00:09:32for Ferrari and McLaren and Lamborghini.
00:09:35But they haven't.
00:09:36It's still a sports car.
00:09:38It's still chuckable and deft.
00:09:46Oh, it's very, very good.
00:09:49Annoyingly.
00:09:56But is it as good as this?
00:10:00The BMW M4 GTS.
00:10:03Like the Porsche, it's made from exotic lightweight materials.
00:10:08And fitted with scaffolding instead of back seats and enormous tires.
00:10:16It looks good.
00:10:17But there are some problems.
00:10:21When you arrive at a small speed hump in the Porsche, you raise its nose electrically and all is well.
00:10:29But when you arrive at the same hump in the BMW, you will need a team of men to fold
00:10:37away the spoiler and adjust the ride height.
00:10:40This takes several hours.
00:10:45There are some other issues as well.
00:10:49To give owners a sense they're driving a racing car, all of the storage bins have been removed.
00:10:56There's no cubby hole here.
00:10:57No door pockets.
00:10:59That means there's nowhere to put anything.
00:11:01And I think that on a day-to-day basis, that would drive you a bit mad.
00:11:09Then there's the ride, which is extremely bumpy.
00:11:12And the drone from the tires, which is horrendous.
00:11:19After ten minutes on a motorway, you will have a headache.
00:11:22And you won't have any headache pills with you because there was nowhere to put them.
00:11:28Now at this point, I would normally use the word, however, and start talking about the car's good points.
00:11:35However, I can't because I'm struggling to find any.
00:11:44The engine, for example, has water injection, which sounds cool.
00:11:49But it means that every third time you fill the car with fuel, you have to fill a water tank
00:11:55in the boot.
00:11:57I don't know, but I'm not sure this is very high-tech.
00:12:06And then there's the steering, which in comfort mode is horrid, and in sports setting is even more horrid.
00:12:13That said, the steering wheel is nice.
00:12:16It's good and thick.
00:12:17It's like holding onto something from the Ron Jeremy range.
00:12:22And the seats aren't bad.
00:12:24But other than that...
00:12:27No.
00:12:28A point that becomes even more obvious when you go into battle against the Porsche.
00:12:38We both have around 500 horsepower.
00:12:42Both have a top speed of around 190, but the Porsche is a lot lighter.
00:12:51Probably because it doesn't have a tank full of water in the boot.
00:12:58And...
00:13:02Struggling to keep up now!
00:13:07Here we go, into Swindon.
00:13:09Oh, Springs!
00:13:11Pamperscraft shop!
00:13:13Oh, Evan Bird!
00:13:14God, that's nasty!
00:13:17This is not a car that responds well to my rather brutal driving style.
00:13:23But the problem is, it doesn't really respond very well to delicacy either.
00:13:35This competition here now, between these two cars, is like a boxing match between an actual boxer and someone who
00:13:44thinks they're a boxer because they're wearing satin shorts.
00:14:11How did BMW get this thing so wrong?
00:14:16Oh, God.
00:14:20It's twitchy, it's unpredictable,
00:14:23and in the rain, it's somewhere between spiteful and undriveable.
00:14:29Oh, my God, undriveable.
00:14:37But that said, this has to be the winner of this test
00:14:41because Richard Hammond has got one of those.
00:14:55That was a professional review.
00:14:59Points, but you were doing so well and then you ruined it at the end.
00:15:03What do you mean, ruined it?
00:15:04Well, by saying you'd have a worse car because I haven't got one.
00:15:08That Porsche wounded me. Wounded?
00:15:10It did wound me because, you know, it's got so much grip
00:15:13that you're sort of forced into the seat,
00:15:15so the seat's got this stitching on it, which digs a hole in your back.
00:15:19Oh, let's have a picture of what it did. Look at this.
00:15:21That's my back.
00:15:23Oh, I'm amazed you weren't hospitalised with that.
00:15:26That is a savage wound.
00:15:28Mine's never done that to me.
00:15:29That's because you're a midget, you don't reach that high out the seat.
00:15:32Or maybe you're a freak and it's sitting in the wrong place.
00:15:34It's not just the fact it wounds you.
00:15:38Also, the Porsche's more expensive than the BMW.
00:15:41Yes, but I'd rather spend £131,000 on the Porsche than £120,000 on a BMW
00:15:46that's not very good on the road, not very good on a track,
00:15:49and no good at all in the race.
00:15:51Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
00:15:53Well, hold on.
00:15:53What?
00:15:54I've got to the bottom of the problem with the BMW.
00:15:56It's right here in the blurb.
00:15:58Developed on the Nürburgring.
00:16:00That...
00:16:01Yeah, and actually, speaking of tracks,
00:16:03it's now time to hand the M4 over
00:16:06to a man who thinks that sparkling water is basically communist.
00:16:10Yup, time to give it to the American.
00:16:15There he is.
00:16:17And he's off.
00:16:19No messing.
00:16:20Parts from the exhaust on the upshifts as he attacks the isn't straight.
00:16:24I wonder if he actually knows what he's in.
00:16:26Driving a BMW.
00:16:29British Motor Works.
00:16:31So, that's a no then.
00:16:34Okay, continuing up the isn't.
00:16:37They say it's got more power.
00:16:40Than a what?
00:16:41My damn toothbrush?
00:16:44Okay.
00:16:45Right, to the end of the isn't now,
00:16:48and into your name here.
00:16:50Hard on the brakes, keeping it all in check,
00:16:52and surely he'll appreciate the turbos
00:16:54punching him out of the corner.
00:16:57Turbos on an engine.
00:16:58It's God's way of telling you it ain't got enough cylinders.
00:17:02My mistake.
00:17:03Right, back up the isn't.
00:17:04Really winding up that straight six.
00:17:06Must admit, from the outside, it sounds good.
00:17:09And already he's turning in hard round the unexploded bomb
00:17:13into the narrowness of old lady's house.
00:17:16You're back on the power for the bumpy bit towards substation.
00:17:20Idiotic splitter in peril over the ruts.
00:17:22Now working the ceramic brakes hard for the tight left.
00:17:27Tickle of power.
00:17:28There it is.
00:17:30And left again into field of sheep.
00:17:32A whiff of oversteer and across the line.
00:17:35A whiff of oversteer.
00:17:37They look tidy.
00:17:39Yeah, they look all right.
00:17:41They look tidy.
00:17:42Right.
00:17:43Let's bring up the leaderboard if we can.
00:17:47Now, there we are.
00:17:47Look, we've already had the 911 GT3 RS round.
00:17:51What? And you're not going to show the lap?
00:17:52Nobody's interested in watching an American being sawn in half
00:17:55by a glorified Beetle.
00:17:57It did 1.24.
00:17:59Right.
00:17:59So now let's see what the M4 did.
00:18:01Let's put the time up.
00:18:03There it is.
00:18:04Oh-ho-ho!
00:18:06Two seconds slower.
00:18:07And that's a short time.
00:18:08That's unbelievable.
00:18:09That's not good, is it?
00:18:10No, that isn't.
00:18:11It's only a second faster than a Porsche 718.
00:18:13I know.
00:18:14I mean, I admire BMW for trying with that car.
00:18:18I really do.
00:18:19But my God, they've made a hash of it.
00:18:21In fact, I'm trying to think of a metaphor
00:18:23for someone who's really tried their hardest with something
00:18:26and it hasn't worked.
00:18:34No, nothing's coming to mind.
00:18:36I've got nothing.
00:18:37I've got nothing at all.
00:18:38So, let's move it on.
00:18:41It's time for us to make a gentle left into conversation.
00:18:43Street.
00:18:51Okay, right.
00:18:52I want to begin with the new Ford GT.
00:18:55I've got a picture of it here.
00:18:56Now, this is...
00:18:58Well, you remember the last GT they did?
00:19:00That was just an homage, really, to the old GT40.
00:19:03This one, they say, is actually a racing car on the road.
00:19:06It's got a twin-turbo, 3.5-litre V6,
00:19:097-speed flappy-pedal box, more than 600 horsepower.
00:19:12The problem is, though, I can't think of any racing car
00:19:17that works on the road, really, ever.
00:19:19No, they don't.
00:19:20They don't. I mean, the Nissan GT-R, fabulous, fabulous car.
00:19:23Track Edition, rubbish. It's undriveable.
00:19:26Yeah, no, it's a very good point, because a racing car on the road
00:19:29is a bit like trying to play tennis with a cricket bat.
00:19:32It's technically possible.
00:19:33Yeah, it's two totally different disciplines.
00:19:35The only trouble is, that looks so good, I do find myself going...
00:19:40You, um, you bought the last GT, didn't you?
00:19:43Yes.
00:19:45Thank you for reminding me, Hammond. Yes, I did.
00:19:47Did that go well for...
00:19:48No, it didn't go...
00:19:49Oh, did it not?
00:19:50No, it didn't.
00:19:51The problem was, the insurance company said it had to have a burglar alarm,
00:19:54which blew usually when my daughter was doing a school play.
00:19:57It ruined it.
00:19:58And it had to have a tracker.
00:19:59And there is nothing on God's earth more annoying than a tracker.
00:20:03I mean, I've got a tracker, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
00:20:05No, that's because you'll have a little special place on your hall table,
00:20:08the pencil outline.
00:20:09Oh, right, I've got my keys and I must remember to take my tracker,
00:20:12because you're organised and I'm not.
00:20:14Yeah, one for your tracker, one for your keys, one for your little penknife.
00:20:17One for some chains, in case you need.
00:20:19Yeah, with the 10p's and the 2p's.
00:20:20It's a tiny screwdriver for mending your glasses.
00:20:22It will, it always will.
00:20:23No, I won't.
00:20:23Of course, it lives in a...
00:20:25It just has a little pouch.
00:20:26Oh, does it?
00:20:27A little pouch?
00:20:28Yes, I've got a little holder.
00:20:29He's got a pouch for his tracker.
00:20:31Especially for the tracker.
00:20:32Oh, yeah, because what's it made of?
00:20:34Well, leather, I suppose.
00:20:35Little leather pouch.
00:20:37Did you make it yourself?
00:20:39No, it's a little leather pouch.
00:20:40It came with the car.
00:20:42Didn't it?
00:20:42Oh, so Ferrari sold it to you.
00:20:45Was it £600?
00:20:46I bet it was.
00:20:47No, it just came with the car.
00:20:48It was...
00:20:49Don't think Ferrari gave it away.
00:20:50The stripes on your Ferrari, OK?
00:20:52Two stripes, a bit like on that Ford.
00:20:53There are two stripes.
00:20:54How much did you pay for those stripes?
00:20:56Well, they were an option.
00:20:57They were £6,000.
00:20:58LAUGHTER
00:21:02That's why I drive a Golf GTI, OK?
00:21:03Because you don't need an alarm,
00:21:05you don't need a tracker,
00:21:06and it's five insurance groups lower down
00:21:08than the previous Golf GTI, that one.
00:21:09Wow.
00:21:10It is.
00:21:11It's because you can't crash it.
00:21:13Bet I could.
00:21:17Anyway, have you two seen those new
00:21:21pedestrian traffic lights in Trafalgar Square,
00:21:23which, if you're watching in America,
00:21:24is in London, which is in Britain?
00:21:26These are the...
00:21:27Yes.
00:21:28These are the ones that have got
00:21:28the two blokes on them.
00:21:30Isn't it?
00:21:31James, don't be sexist.
00:21:33What is that?
00:21:34No, because what if you're a lesbian?
00:21:36Well, you've got two women on.
00:21:38Well, then what if you're straight?
00:21:40A man and a woman?
00:21:41I don't know.
00:21:41But Trafalgar's only this big.
00:21:43You can't have a man and a man
00:21:44and a man and a woman
00:21:45and a man who isn't sure
00:21:46and a woman and a woman...
00:21:48What if...
00:21:48What if you just want to cross the road?
00:21:51What?
00:21:52It's like being in the 70s with you two.
00:21:55Crossing the road is now an opportunity
00:21:57for you to express your sexuality.
00:22:00It is.
00:22:00It is.
00:22:01That's why they've come up
00:22:02with these traffic lights in London.
00:22:04What are they for?
00:22:05No, they really have.
00:22:06They really have.
00:22:07They're real.
00:22:08Yeah.
00:22:08They are for real.
00:22:09What's that one on the right, then?
00:22:11Hello, transgender.
00:22:14What?
00:22:15Hang on.
00:22:16Only trans...
00:22:17What?
00:22:19Transgender traffic lights.
00:22:20I didn't know that.
00:22:21So...
00:22:23Only...
00:22:23Only transgender people can cross when that's green?
00:22:26No!
00:22:27When it goes red, does that mean
00:22:29it's not okay to be transgender?
00:22:31That's a good point.
00:22:31I mean, why are you making it?
00:22:32That is a good point.
00:22:33I don't know what happens when it goes red.
00:22:34Because I know where they're going to say
00:22:35it's not a...
00:22:36No, I don't know.
00:22:36And what has any of this got to do
00:22:39with crossing the road?
00:22:39That's all you want to do.
00:22:41It has nothing to do with expressing your sexuality.
00:22:43It's the wrong time.
00:22:44I want to cross the road.
00:22:45All I want to do at that point
00:22:46is work out how to go to the other side.
00:22:48And by that, I don't mean...
00:22:51No.
00:22:52I don't...
00:22:54I mean...
00:22:56Of the road.
00:22:58Maybe you're right, it is.
00:23:00Right, now, can I talk about Alfa Romeo?
00:23:03No.
00:23:04Why?
00:23:04Because we have to introduce our next film.
00:23:06Now, as we know, in recent years,
00:23:08the world's car makers have made great strides
00:23:10to make more fuel-efficient and environmentally friendly car engines,
00:23:14but very little has been done
00:23:16to make more environmentally friendly car bodies and interiors.
00:23:20Yeah, by and large, they are still made of steel and plastic,
00:23:23and that consumes a huge amount of energy.
00:23:25So we had an idea.
00:23:26Are there more sustainable materials that could be used instead?
00:23:30Well, to find out, each of us bought a Land Rover Discovery.
00:23:33We then removed its metal body
00:23:35and replaced it with whatever we thought
00:23:38was the best solution for the future of the planet.
00:23:46The meeting point was in Wales,
00:23:48and I was the first to arrive in a car made from mud.
00:23:57But sadly, before I had the chance to tell you anything about it,
00:24:01Hammond arrived.
00:24:07Let me talk you through this.
00:24:08What I've done, I've built a frame out of hazel
00:24:12through which I have weaved English flowers and shrubs.
00:24:15It's basically a hedgerow.
00:24:16Better still, it is growing because I've planted them,
00:24:18so it's got compost and soil to provide the nutrients required
00:24:21to let my car flourish and bloom.
00:24:24You don't wash this car, you water it.
00:24:27It's alive.
00:24:28It's brilliant, isn't it?
00:24:29Clematis?
00:24:31No, it's...
00:24:31What have you done?
00:24:32Well, sadly, before I could tell him,
00:24:35Jeremy arrived in a snuff movie.
00:24:45Gentlemen, I can see what's happened.
00:24:49You're speechless, because all the words in your head
00:24:53have been sucked out by the magnetism of my genius.
00:24:57A car made from bone and skin.
00:25:01What bones?
00:25:03And then more bones.
00:25:04Bones are no good for this.
00:25:05You can't use bones to make cars.
00:25:07Why not?
00:25:07When your dog dies.
00:25:08What do you do now?
00:25:09You bury it.
00:25:10Well, don't turn her into a boot lid.
00:25:12Why not?
00:25:12Because I want to see a little face there stretched.
00:25:14You don't have to have the face.
00:25:16I haven't got a face on it.
00:25:17It's just the bones.
00:25:19So, as Granny gets older,
00:25:21do the family sit around planning a new little hatchback?
00:25:23No, I hadn't thought of people.
00:25:25There's not a lot of dignity in it, is there?
00:25:27Have you used ears for wing mirrors?
00:25:29Yes.
00:25:29You're sick.
00:25:30Why would you not do that?
00:25:31They're designed for that.
00:25:33No, they're not.
00:25:34Well, they are.
00:25:35They're not reflective.
00:25:36They absorb information and pass it on to the creature.
00:25:40Look at my windscreen.
00:25:41What is that?
00:25:42It's the digestive system, or part of the digestive system, of an cow.
00:25:47What part of the digestive system?
00:25:48Well, its stomach lining.
00:25:50Not its stomach lining.
00:25:51Where?
00:25:51Further back?
00:25:52Yes.
00:25:52Are you staring at the world through a cow's ring?
00:25:57It is its anal passage.
00:25:59But stretched so thin, that it's completely transparent.
00:26:04Cow's arse, horse's arse.
00:26:05It's perfect.
00:26:06Come on.
00:26:07It's a lot better than what you two have done, which is nothing.
00:26:10What's this made out of?
00:26:11Have a guess.
00:26:12Is it mud?
00:26:13It's mud.
00:26:14It's a mud car.
00:26:15You've got flat tyres?
00:26:16No, they're not flat.
00:26:16They're pumped up as high as they would go without exploding.
00:26:19How much does it weigh?
00:26:20Quite a lot.
00:26:21How much?
00:26:22Yeah, loads.
00:26:23How much does it weigh, James?
00:26:24What units would you like?
00:26:25Tons.
00:26:26Five.
00:26:26Five.
00:26:27Five tons?
00:26:29Well, that's just...
00:26:30Muddy's quite heavy.
00:26:31This looks safe.
00:26:32It's sustainable, is that?
00:26:34That is growing.
00:26:35While we've been having that conversation, this has extended a little bit, which is gross.
00:26:39Is it actually a living car?
00:26:40Everything's planted.
00:26:42I've put bulbs along here ready for spring.
00:26:43Daffodils.
00:26:44Not safe though, is it?
00:26:45Yes.
00:26:46Hazel.
00:26:46Very strong.
00:26:47Not as strong as bone.
00:26:48Bone is three times stronger than steel.
00:26:51Is this it?
00:26:52Oh.
00:26:53Sorry.
00:26:54Text.
00:26:55Mr. Wilbur.
00:26:57Having built your cars from nature, you will now drive through it to the Myalf Hill,
00:27:02where you will take part in a green motorsport event.
00:27:06What green motorsport event?
00:27:07It doesn't say.
00:27:09A motorsport event that's presumably ecological in some way.
00:27:13Okay.
00:27:14Before setting off, we consulted a map to see where we were going.
00:27:18Right, so that's the UK.
00:27:21Right, so that's the UK.
00:27:21We're here.
00:27:22And we've got to get to here.
00:27:26Well, that doesn't look like too much of a challenge.
00:27:30With that sorted, we saddled up and began our epic 11-mile journey.
00:27:37Bit of smoke.
00:27:39That's ecological.
00:27:41Greenpeace are going to be ringing him up at any moment.
00:27:44Tremendous.
00:27:46Smells of nature.
00:27:47I'm in nature.
00:27:49I'm made of nature.
00:27:51It's not quick, but it gives me more time to enjoy God's creation.
00:27:56Of which I'm very much a part.
00:27:59Oh!
00:28:00Ha ha ha!
00:28:01Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:02James!
00:28:04Ha ha ha!
00:28:06Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:08Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:09We've done.
00:28:10Ten seconds.
00:28:11Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:13I may be losing one of my...
00:28:14I think the correct technical term is the A pillar.
00:28:17No, no, it's gone completely.
00:28:19Ha ha ha ha ha!
00:28:21Oh dear, no!
00:28:23Ha ha ha ha!
00:28:26Surely he has to admit defeat.
00:28:29There's not much car left now.
00:28:32Oh dear, James.
00:28:34I think we can count you out.
00:28:36But it doesn't matter.
00:28:37What does it matter?
00:28:38Well, look at it.
00:28:38You think, oh, James' car's falling apart.
00:28:40I'm standing in my spare parts department.
00:28:43All of it.
00:28:44Can be used to rebuild your car.
00:28:46Right under there.
00:28:47So it's as good as new.
00:28:49Sort of.
00:28:49Well, I'm sorry, but we're going to set off and leave you behind.
00:28:53Well, hang on.
00:28:54You can't leave me behind because we haven't started yet.
00:28:55We're still in the field.
00:28:56Oh, yes.
00:28:57Good point.
00:28:57Okay, well, we're going to set off and go to the pub.
00:29:00That's a very good idea.
00:29:02Why you?
00:29:02Well, you...
00:29:04Find some mud.
00:29:05I've lost my car.
00:29:06Oh, it's there.
00:29:07It's there.
00:29:09When Bob the Builder out of the way, Richard and I settle down to appreciate the planet-saving
00:29:15nature of our revolutionary eco-cars.
00:29:18You may be amused by my bodywork or perhaps horrified, but the fact is that making steel
00:29:28bodies for cars produces 120 million tonnes of carbon dioxide every year.
00:29:36120 million tonnes.
00:29:38Hmm.
00:29:41Car makers will sort out clean, environmentally friendly engines.
00:29:45They will.
00:29:46But in the meantime, I can tell you that the CO2 produced by this car's engine is being absorbed
00:29:51and used by the bodywork.
00:29:55Plants breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen.
00:29:58That's what my car's body is doing right now.
00:30:04Jumpers, Sunday lunch, spare parts.
00:30:07You don't need a foundry or a furnace to build the body for this car.
00:30:12You just need animals to make love to one another.
00:30:16That's what this car is, really.
00:30:18It's a sex machine.
00:30:21Meanwhile, back at base, James was having a rethink.
00:30:26I've decided to abandon my original idea because it was just too weak and too floppy.
00:30:31And instead, I'm going to build a car out of bricks.
00:30:34And the basic materials for making the bricks are fresh mud with a bit of water in it,
00:30:39some straw to give it strength and some sheep poo.
00:30:44You then use that to make the brick shape and then you fire those in a kiln
00:30:49and then you use the bricks to build the thing like a house.
00:30:51Except, of course, it will be roughly the shape of a car.
00:30:56Back on the road, Hammond had called our eco-convoy to a halt.
00:31:01What's the matter?
00:31:03Shh.
00:31:03Shush what?
00:31:05There's a bustle in my hedgerow.
00:31:08Well, don't be alarmed now.
00:31:10It's probably just a spring clean.
00:31:13Well, for the May Queen.
00:31:15As it turned out, I'd picked up a passenger.
00:31:20Hold on.
00:31:21There.
00:31:21Look.
00:31:22Oh.
00:31:23Is that a hedgehog?
00:31:23Yeah.
00:31:24He's moved in.
00:31:27Do hedgehogs have bones?
00:31:29It could be a door mirror.
00:31:30He's now a member of my little community in here.
00:31:32You're not using him to make a door mirror.
00:31:34No, but he lives here.
00:31:36He lives here.
00:31:37Hedgehogs die.
00:31:59Oh, he's got a mouse in his little bird box, and it's got the biggest testes I've ever seen.
00:32:09Eventually, Richard and I arrived at the pub.
00:32:13Oh.
00:32:14Oh, hello.
00:32:15Oh, mate.
00:32:16You fool.
00:32:19Oh.
00:32:20Oh, look.
00:32:21Clean brake.
00:32:22That'll never, you're gonna need pins.
00:32:23Shut up.
00:32:24Your car's giving me hay fever.
00:32:26I can't see through my eyes.
00:32:28Oh, so you crashed your car because mine's got flowers on it, not because you built your windscreen out of
00:32:32a cow's balloon knot.
00:32:34Let's not get bogged down with who caused the accident because it was you.
00:32:37I am now gonna go and get some spare parts.
00:32:40Oh, yeah, of course you are.
00:32:40That'll be easy.
00:32:41Maybe there'll be a nice zoo in this tiny village.
00:32:43No, hospital.
00:32:44Old folks home.
00:32:45You could wait and just find one of those old ladies in one of those tartan shops.
00:32:49Back at the start points, the eco-warrior was ramping up the pace.
00:33:13Watch that go.
00:33:17Meanwhile, back at the pub, I was repairing my damaged front end.
00:33:22Well, annoyingly, the pork that I bought is sort of triangular and doesn't look right.
00:33:27It doesn't really fit.
00:33:28So I've got a side of beef, which I think will be great.
00:33:31I'm just, um, clearing away the old bone.
00:33:41Oh, shoo.
00:33:43Shoo in Welsh.
00:33:45I'm warning you.
00:33:47How would you like to be a petrol filler cap?
00:33:54What do you think?
00:33:55I actually think it looks rather stylish because it immediately looks ecological, recyclable, sustainable, all those things.
00:34:03And you get a single-skin brick wall.
00:34:06Builds up very neatly, as you can see.
00:34:09It's exactly the same as making something out of Lego.
00:34:12If you have lots of Lego...
00:34:20Right.
00:34:23Clearly, James was not going to get his car built that day.
00:34:27So Richard and I decided to spend the night at the pub.
00:34:32How far have we come today? Just remind me.
00:34:34We're still in the same field where we started.
00:34:36Well, he is.
00:34:37Yes.
00:34:37We're in a pub.
00:34:38Well, we have to go back to the start.
00:34:39Yeah.
00:34:40To start.
00:34:42It's not the best start.
00:34:44No.
00:34:44Well, how do we know? We haven't started yet.
00:34:46No, well, precisely.
00:34:47So, actually, it might yet be a brilliant start when the start starts.
00:34:55Ow!
00:35:04It's his slap-happy attitude to making things.
00:35:07Attention to Peter.
00:35:08Thank you very much.
00:35:09Anyway, now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!
00:35:14Yay!
00:35:20Now, last week...
00:35:22Last week, as I'm sure you remember,
00:35:24our guest Simon Pegg sadly fell into the harbour and drowned.
00:35:29But there's no danger of that happening this week
00:35:32because our guest is actually starting in the harbour.
00:35:35He is one of Britain's top comedians and a jet-ski enthusiast.
00:35:41Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
00:35:43Jimmy Carr!
00:35:46Here he comes now, look, on the screen.
00:35:49And he's looking good!
00:35:51He is.
00:35:51What are we going to ask him when he gets it?
00:35:53I'm going to ask him, actually, about...
00:35:56that story he told me once when we were on holiday.
00:35:59No, you can't ask him about that on air.
00:36:00Why not?
00:36:01Ofcom, they won't like it.
00:36:02Why just Ofcom? We're on the internet.
00:36:03It's got nothing to do with Ofcom.
00:36:04It was still broadcast.
00:36:05You can't tell that story.
00:36:08Whoa, hang on, hang on.
00:36:10I don't want to interrupt.
00:36:11He's coming very hot.
00:36:12No, what's this boat doing?
00:36:14Whoa, shush everyone, shush!
00:36:16Look at the boats, stop them!
00:36:17Oh, for God's sake, look at the boats!
00:36:21Oh, my God!
00:36:39As you may have noticed, the audience there applauding the tragic death...
00:36:46of one of Britain's best-loved comedians, Jimmy Carr.
00:36:50Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:36:53Well, James, he's burst,
00:36:55and is now basically chum on the waters of the heart.
00:36:59So that's a no, he's not coming on.
00:37:01No.
00:37:01This is a dessert, it's awkward.
00:37:03Every single week.
00:37:04We're going to get a reputation, people are going to notice.
00:37:06It's okay, though.
00:37:07I've just thought of something else we can do to fill the time.
00:37:11You...
00:37:12Yeah, you know what it is.
00:37:12You go outside, and you...
00:37:14Do I have to do this?
00:37:15Yes, yes, I'm afraid you do.
00:37:16Can you go that way?
00:37:17Go get it.
00:37:17Quickly, quickly, quickly.
00:37:18Run, run, run, run.
00:37:19Ladies and gentlemen, please,
00:37:21try not to look at the hideous blood-stained water out of the window.
00:37:26See, the thing is, the thing is,
00:37:28that when immigrants try to get into the country,
00:37:31they always come in the back of a container lorry,
00:37:34and I always think that is the world's worst game of hide-and-seek.
00:37:37Because if you work for Homeland Security,
00:37:40you know what's it called here?
00:37:41Border Force.
00:37:41Border Force.
00:37:42You open the doors and you go,
00:37:43well, there you are.
00:37:45So I was thinking the other day,
00:37:46surely there must be a better way of getting into Britain.
00:37:50And I think I worked it out.
00:37:53So, James, could you bring the car in?
00:37:56Yes.
00:37:56Yes, good man.
00:37:57Right, here he comes now at his usual top speed of eight in what is an Audi TT Quattro.
00:38:05That's perfect.
00:38:06Thank you so much.
00:38:06James, if you'd like to step out.
00:38:08Now, Richard Hammond is in this car.
00:38:14And I'm going to give you, the studio audience, one hour to find him.
00:38:18Oh, not an hour.
00:38:20Well, not an hour, a minute.
00:38:21I'll give you 60 seconds to find him.
00:38:24Help yourselves, everybody.
00:38:25See if you can find him.
00:38:26Yeah, I'm opening the bonnet.
00:38:28Look at the Ashton.
00:38:29He's small, but he's not that small.
00:38:32Open the big.
00:38:34Inside the seat.
00:38:37Have a look.
00:38:38Have a look.
00:38:40If you guys go down there, you can have a look underneath.
00:38:44Three, two, one.
00:38:46No, you've all failed.
00:38:47You'd be no good in immigration.
00:38:51Right, go back to where you were, because, ladies and gentlemen,
00:38:54what we are going to do now is reveal to you
00:38:57where Richard Hammond was concealed in this car.
00:39:01James, could you give me a hand?
00:39:03Certainly.
00:39:04Okey-doke.
00:39:05Hello.
00:39:06There he is.
00:39:07Hello.
00:39:08I'm in the car.
00:39:10Yeah.
00:39:14You all right?
00:39:15Yeah.
00:39:17Can I get out now?
00:39:18The amazing thing is, it's not just Audi TTs.
00:39:21Almost any car has that much space
00:39:24if you want to do a spot of people smuggling.
00:39:26Yeah, it's not that much space, just to be clear.
00:39:29Can I get out now?
00:39:30No, because I've just thought of something.
00:39:33No, seriously, James, can you pop the bunker back on?
00:39:36What?
00:39:36No, with your feet.
00:39:37No, because...
00:39:38It's not really nice.
00:39:40Is it not?
00:39:41Right, so, pop that back on there.
00:39:43Now, what we've got here, I think, is a really rather effective parking sensor.
00:39:49What?
00:39:49I don't like this.
00:39:50I like it.
00:39:51I like it.
00:39:52You get back in.
00:39:54We'll bring a car in so that...
00:39:55Yes, so that you've got something to reverse up to.
00:39:58I need to drill some holes for your eyes.
00:40:00You bloody don't.
00:40:03Well, seriously, Hammond, you won't be able to see anything.
00:40:06What?
00:40:06Where are your eyes?
00:40:08About here?
00:40:08Around the front of my head.
00:40:10Right, close them, Hammond.
00:40:12This...
00:40:14Oh!
00:40:17Oh!
00:40:17Oh!
00:40:18Oh!
00:40:20Oh!
00:40:20Oh!
00:40:21Oh!
00:40:21I'm not talking to you.
00:40:25Right, I'll do one for your other eye.
00:40:29There.
00:40:30Can you see out now?
00:40:33Yes, there.
00:40:34Look, can you see?
00:40:35We can see his little eyes.
00:40:36That's lovely.
00:40:37If someone holds this.
00:40:38Right, James, if you'd like to start reversing,
00:40:41keeping your ears open for Hammond's pitiable screams.
00:40:44Roger.
00:40:45No, it...
00:40:46No!
00:40:47No, just stop!
00:40:48No!
00:40:49Stop!
00:40:50How far away is that?
00:40:51About 15 feet.
00:40:54What?
00:40:55Hammond!
00:40:55What?
00:40:56We live in London.
00:40:57You could build a £4 million house in that gap.
00:41:00I need to know when you're about half an inch away.
00:41:02You're not the one in the bloody bumper!
00:41:05Right, come on then, James.
00:41:06Right, here we go.
00:41:07Right, Hammond, you're on silence till it's dangerous.
00:41:11Stop!
00:41:14Stop!
00:41:18Stop!
00:41:19That is absolutely brilliant.
00:41:21That's like a quarter of an inch.
00:41:28What?
00:41:30What?
00:41:31The thing is, parking sensors are very expensive.
00:41:34You can rent a man for almost nothing.
00:41:36Yeah, look, I don't know how much you pay to rent a man normally,
00:41:39but I cost more.
00:41:41Now get me out of here, please.
00:41:43Well, no, because we've got a link into the next film.
00:41:46What?
00:41:47And we can't get you out anyway, because you're too close
00:41:49and we'll never get the bumper off.
00:41:50You're too good at your job, Hammond!
00:41:52Oh, God!
00:41:53That's what's happened.
00:41:54So, we're going back...
00:41:55Oh, actually, it's part two, isn't it?
00:41:57Of the...
00:41:57What was the film?
00:41:58It was Italy.
00:42:00No, it was not.
00:42:00No, that was last week.
00:42:02Oh...
00:42:02No, the cars.
00:42:04Oh, really?
00:42:05Oh, the sustainable thing.
00:42:06Sustainable cars.
00:42:08So...
00:42:08Yes.
00:42:09Get on with it!
00:42:17The following morning, we were up bright and early
00:42:19so we could get back to the start line.
00:42:24Oh.
00:42:25Bad night, actually.
00:42:27It was all right.
00:42:28Oh, hello.
00:42:31Mate!
00:42:34Oh, that's dogs and foxes and things, isn't it?
00:42:38Dogs have come and eaten your car.
00:42:41They haven't eaten it.
00:42:41They've destroyed it.
00:42:43Which means...
00:42:44I'm going to have to put it back together again.
00:42:47There's some spare parts up there.
00:42:50Yeah, I think that horse is looking very ill.
00:42:52It's got a very grey face.
00:42:54That's always a sign of looking ill.
00:42:56Is your horse ill?
00:42:58No.
00:42:59No.
00:42:59He'll last the day, then.
00:43:04Damn it.
00:43:08It took all morning to repair my car with stuff from the butcher's shop,
00:43:13which meant it was lunchtime before we were on our way back
00:43:16to see how James was getting on.
00:43:21Jeremy, what's all that smoke up ahead there?
00:43:24What smoke?
00:43:25That massive pall of smoke in front of us, up front.
00:43:29Can't see it.
00:43:29My hay fever's really bad.
00:43:31No, you can't see it because you're trying to look at it through a cow's butthole.
00:43:36As it turned out, the smoke was on account of James having single-handedly
00:43:41restarted the industrial revolution.
00:43:51What?
00:43:52What are you doing?
00:43:54Wait.
00:43:57The theory is we are reducing our impact on the environment.
00:44:03But you've dug it up.
00:44:05It's not where anybody lives.
00:44:06It's just the countryside.
00:44:07It's not doing anything.
00:44:08Is that a coal lorry?
00:44:09Yes.
00:44:10Well, that's the least environmental thing on the entire earth.
00:44:13It's a lorry delivering coal.
00:44:16So?
00:44:16Why do you need coal?
00:44:18Because they have to fire up the kiln.
00:44:20What?
00:44:20The bricks have to be bait.
00:44:22So you're making a car out of mud bricks?
00:44:26Yes.
00:44:27Are you going to dig a canal network to get in and out, perhaps, with your coal?
00:44:30That's quite a good idea.
00:44:31No, it's not.
00:44:31This isn't a good idea.
00:44:34Much ruined countryside later, James' new car was finally ready.
00:44:40Why are you dressed up like an American footballer?
00:44:43Well, it's a prototype.
00:44:45And I'm a test pilot.
00:44:47In effect, test pilots wear specialist equipment.
00:44:49Yeah, but that looks perfectly solid to me.
00:44:52That roof is...
00:44:55James, even given the limitations of the material you've used, your car looks crap.
00:44:59Yeah, but look how it blends in with the environment.
00:45:01Prince Charles would love this.
00:45:03It doesn't blend in with anything.
00:45:04Well, there's no environment left.
00:45:05You've dug it all up.
00:45:07Right.
00:45:07Can we finally go?
00:45:09Yes, you can.
00:45:10Good.
00:45:10Eleven miles lie ahead.
00:45:13See you there.
00:45:17Ow!
00:45:24That is a complete mystery, to be honest.
00:45:27It's not...
00:45:28It had an arched roof, it had a keystone.
00:45:32There must be something wrong with that mortar.
00:45:33Waiting for James to mend his bodywork again, meant my bodywork started to go off.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:43But eventually, he was ready.
00:45:50It's really rather pleasant.
00:45:53It's just like being at home with the windows open.
00:45:56Richard, meanwhile, had added some floral go-faster stripes, and I'd opened up my cow's rectum
00:46:02to improve the ventilation.
00:46:07We have had a few problems.
00:46:09We've only covered, yes, two miles in two days.
00:46:13But here we are, as a threesome, going along.
00:46:24But then...
00:46:25It's a river, and not a small one.
00:46:32Oh, dear.
00:46:33Oh, dear.
00:46:37Oh, dear.
00:46:38Oh, dear.
00:46:40Oh, your brakes are falling off, mate.
00:46:42Your body's falling off.
00:46:44It'll be all right.
00:46:45There's redundancy built into it.
00:46:46Is there?
00:46:47Yeah.
00:46:49Since Richard is the team bumpkin, we decided he should go first.
00:46:55Okay, all my community of people make the higher ground.
00:46:59Just climb.
00:47:01Hammond's Ark made it to the other side safely.
00:47:04Yeah!
00:47:06And then it was my go.
00:47:09I'm really deep here.
00:47:11Really, really deep.
00:47:13Oh, no!
00:47:14Cows leak.
00:47:15That's a terrible thing to learn.
00:47:19However, I, too, made it with relative ease.
00:47:22Eat my meat, Hammond!
00:47:25But then...
00:47:26Look at this.
00:47:29Tragic.
00:47:30An old man driving a low garden wall into a river.
00:47:34Now, let's look on the bright side.
00:47:35If this doesn't work as a car, it will be very effective as a dam.
00:47:43He's not doing it quite as quickly as your idea.
00:47:46Nor as aggressively, nor as purposefully.
00:47:49This car is also riding a lot lower than ours because it weighs so much.
00:47:53That's getting very deep.
00:47:54It may be leaking slightly.
00:47:58It's leaking a lot.
00:48:01Cack.
00:48:02Chaps, I think I'm beached.
00:48:04To be honest, there's not a great deal we can do about it.
00:48:07You're in the river. We're here.
00:48:09Right, if I go right a bit, I should clear that...
00:48:14Oh, yes!
00:48:17Oh, the...
00:48:18Yeah, that's...
00:48:19So the mortar's dissolving and the bricks are just falling off.
00:48:22Yes.
00:48:26That's more gone.
00:48:27Oh, God! The mortar's dissolving!
00:48:30He's just transporting his own cameras along.
00:48:32That's all he's doing.
00:48:39Spindly arms throwing a brick.
00:48:44Help!
00:48:47We're going to have to put him out of his misery, aren't we?
00:48:49No, look, we're just abandoning him.
00:48:51Do you think?
00:48:53What is the point of him?
00:48:55James, can you hear me?
00:48:56We've analysed the situation and there is literally nothing we can do to help.
00:49:01Nothing.
00:49:03Leaving James in his dissolving car, we headed off to make camp and get supper underway.
00:49:11But apart from your rather tragic tent, this isn't so badly, it's all right.
00:49:17Do you know, it is amazing, isn't it?
00:49:19My car, the way it disappears into that hedge, it's not just camouflage, it is hedge.
00:49:25Then it's gone.
00:49:26It is genuine. You actually...
00:49:28I will agree, yours is remarkable.
00:49:32Meanwhile, James' car had shed so much weight that he was able to get free.
00:49:38And start raping the countryside again to rebuild it.
00:49:43Bastards.
00:49:45Bastards.
00:49:48You know, what's incredible about this, this sustainable living we're doing, is our barbecue is made from bricks from James'
00:49:57car.
00:49:57The kindling and the vegetables are from your car.
00:50:01Oh, are you about to tell me I'm eating...
00:50:05Bat wing.
00:50:10What?
00:50:10When you buy a steak, it says keep refrigerating.
00:50:13It has been, it's been in Wales.
00:50:15It doesn't say stick to the side of your car, leave it in the sun, then drive it through a
00:50:17river.
00:50:36James is making such a racket, isn't he?
00:50:39It's worse than last time.
00:50:42The difference on this ship, well, he's been tearing nature apart.
00:50:45Oh, I know.
00:50:46I've never felt closer to him.
00:50:48Well, he's just messing in the other ways.
00:50:57Holy cow.
00:50:59Hammond.
00:51:00What?
00:51:05What are you doing?
00:51:07You couldn't see it.
00:51:08It's a hedge tree.
00:51:09That's my community, you rural bastard.
00:51:13Oh.
00:51:14Oh, God.
00:51:17The next morning, to cheer up Hammond following the decimation of his car and his woodland animal
00:51:24community, I made breakfast.
00:51:28Eat it.
00:51:29No.
00:51:30Why not?
00:51:31Because it's going green.
00:51:32It's just a bit of door.
00:51:33You can see where the flies have been on it.
00:51:35It's disgusting.
00:51:36Hello.
00:51:37Hello.
00:51:38What?
00:51:41It's a dung heap.
00:51:42It is a dung heap.
00:51:44Oh.
00:51:47Morning.
00:51:48More effectively, wattle and daub.
00:51:49Only the wattle has been replaced by straw and the daub has been replaced by cow poo.
00:51:53But the principle's the same.
00:51:55How the hell do you fit in it?
00:51:56Well, only just.
00:51:57And where's your windscreen?
00:51:58There.
00:51:59Hang on.
00:52:02Can we just test your blind spots, James?
00:52:04Can you see either of us now?
00:52:08No.
00:52:10Heavily pedestrianised areas should be avoided.
00:52:15Right, come on.
00:52:16We've just got two miles to go.
00:52:18Yes.
00:52:20Jesus Christ.
00:52:22What's that?
00:52:23It breaks my heart, but it's a small gift for you.
00:52:26Is it?
00:52:27Yes, from me and my woodland community.
00:52:31Oh, it's a dead bat.
00:52:33Yeah, it is.
00:52:34Bats have sonar, don't they?
00:52:36Yeah.
00:52:37So I could use it as a reversing parking sensor.
00:52:40Yeah, I don't think it works once the bat is dead.
00:52:45And so, with all of us running.
00:52:48Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
00:52:51The reversing bat is working well.
00:52:54We began the final two-mile leg of our epic journey.
00:52:59Oh, the balls!
00:53:01There are some issues associated with environmentalism,
00:53:05and we're seeing one of them right now.
00:53:13Am I anywhere near the gate?
00:53:16Oh, God!
00:53:20James attempted to tie his car back together using a ball of string,
00:53:25which went well.
00:53:35Why did they make it in a ball shape? What a stupid idea.
00:53:40But eventually it was done and we were on our way.
00:53:45James, how much does it weigh now?
00:53:48I'm gonna say the weight has gone down a bit.
00:53:50I think I'm down to three tonnes.
00:53:53So you still need an HGV licence?
00:53:55But it's not a type of car known for the DVLA.
00:54:01Mind you, I had even bigger problems.
00:54:03My car was starting to smell really bad.
00:54:08One of the sound recorders just came to fiddle with my microphone
00:54:11and actually was sick.
00:54:14Eventually, though, our destination hoved into view.
00:54:20Out of three days' gruelling travel over 11 miles, we're here.
00:54:27This must be it.
00:54:29It was the inaugural Sustainable Living Motorsport Challenge
00:54:34on a track carved out of nature itself.
00:54:40Oh, hang on.
00:54:42A text message.
00:54:44What?
00:54:44I've got a text here from Mr. Wilman
00:54:45with the instructions of what we're doing.
00:54:48Whoever does the most laps in one hour wins.
00:54:52Well, James, that's not gonna be it.
00:54:53Well, you don't know.
00:54:54I do know it's not gonna be it.
00:54:57Oh, no, wait, hang on.
00:54:57You will be racing against three old-fashioned steel cars.
00:55:02Oh, hang on.
00:55:04Yes, those.
00:55:06Oh, there they are.
00:55:07How quaint.
00:55:09No, they don't look quaint.
00:55:10They look ridiculous all.
00:55:11It's funny.
00:55:11That's the nature of progress, isn't it?
00:55:13Suddenly they look stupid.
00:55:15They do.
00:55:17The museum pieces were being driven by three local yobos.
00:55:22Right, this is it.
00:55:24The MTI, the TTI and the PTI are ready.
00:55:34Oh, what a start.
00:55:36It's a good start.
00:55:37Yes, we're blocking.
00:55:39No, they're gone.
00:55:40They're gone.
00:55:41I couldn't see the flag.
00:55:45Yes, there are some hay bales.
00:55:46I'll follow those.
00:55:48Where the hell does it go next?
00:55:51Despite the excellent start from Richard and I,
00:55:54we were quickly overwhelmed by the steel cars.
00:55:58And now the gulf's got passed!
00:56:01Oh!
00:56:02Oh, no!
00:56:03Oh, no!
00:56:04I've let the bandana through!
00:56:05That's a disaster!
00:56:07Oh, I've lost one of my nose tampons!
00:56:10What Richard and I really needed was help from our colleague.
00:56:15Sadly though...
00:56:17No, I'm going to take a racing...
00:56:19Oh, I'm completely lost.
00:56:21The trouble is the racetrack looks the same as the front of the car.
00:56:24What a stupid idea for an event.
00:56:29I've lost the other nose tampon!
00:56:31Help!
00:56:33I may have to pick for another tampon.
00:56:37Where am I going?
00:56:40Roger!
00:56:42No!
00:56:43No time to lose!
00:56:48I've gone for the super absorbent, slightly larger nose tampons,
00:56:52which I hope will last a little longer.
00:56:59Given that we were in an endurance race,
00:57:01our tactics so far had been to protect our cars.
00:57:07Reliability, that's what we need here.
00:57:09That is everything.
00:57:10That's what matters most.
00:57:11But with the cars of the past racking up so many laps,
00:57:15we had to get the hammer down.
00:57:19The mighty things all against us!
00:57:21Whatever that is, 1.6 litre.
00:57:24Golf!
00:57:25Yes!
00:57:27Yes!
00:57:28I've done it!
00:57:30Power sliding ahead!
00:57:33Come on!
00:57:39Yes!
00:57:40Oh, yes!
00:57:44I think I've done a lap.
00:57:48With us three, well, two, making good progress,
00:57:52the cars from the past started to play dirty.
00:57:58That is out of order!
00:58:00They are getting violent!
00:58:03Oh!
00:58:04Oh, no!
00:58:06I've lost the dead one again!
00:58:10What was that?
00:58:12You think you can mess with us just because we like trees, do you?
00:58:15That's out of order, mate.
00:58:16You can't!
00:58:17Have that!
00:58:24The bone is taking on the steel!
00:58:27Oh!
00:58:29Although we were holding our own, the relentless pressure started to take its toll on our vehicles.
00:58:37Ah!
00:58:39We've lost part of the hacks!
00:58:44Look at the smell!
00:58:47Look at the smell!
00:58:49Is that from the exhaust?
00:58:51With Hammond distracted by the hot exhaust burning his bodywork,
00:58:56it was all down to my cow car.
00:59:01Good dicing here between the past and the future.
00:59:06It's neck and neck!
00:59:11But then...
00:59:12Oh, no, no!
00:59:15Disaster!
00:59:15Oh, hell.
00:59:17Looks like Jeremy's got trouble.
00:59:20How do you peel the cow?
00:59:24Having eventually got to the overheating engine and seen it had become a production line for maggots,
00:59:30I decided to go off and be sick.
00:59:37News from the inaugural sustainable motorsport event on a sustainable track, or whatever it's called.
00:59:44Jeremy Clarkson has retired with a maggot infestation.
00:59:49This meant all our hopes rested with Richard Hammond and his smouldering arc.
00:59:57Yeah, you're right, Mike!
01:00:00But then...
01:00:01Oh, my God!
01:00:04Oh, no!
01:00:07I know more news from the sustainable motorsport challenge is that...
01:00:12Richard Hammond, I believe, is on fire.
01:00:15The garden centre is ablaze.
01:00:18Oh, God!
01:00:19Oh, no!
01:00:20Oh, no!
01:00:23Fire.
01:00:25Mine alive.
01:00:26And James is disintegrating again.
01:00:30Ow! Ow!
01:00:31We decided that environmentalism simply doesn't work.
01:00:36And with that...
01:00:38And with that, back to the tent.
01:00:43Holy crap!
01:00:52Well, so there we are.
01:00:56There we are, we've looked into it, we've looked into it thoroughly, and I'm afraid we're all doomed.
01:01:02We're all gonna die.
01:01:03And on that terrible disappointment, I'm afraid it's time to end.
01:01:07See you next week.
01:01:07Goodbye!
01:01:08APPLAUSE
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