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Resident Alien - Season 4 - Episode 05: The Human Condition
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00:10Previously on Resident Alien
00:11There is a deadly manta running around
00:14I called in Agent Jules Gardner to assist us in the investigation
00:17This has serial killer written all over it
00:19I'm sure we'll catch whoever it is in no time
00:22So I killed a manta
00:24It is God's
00:25I will take two boxes
00:27And this is yours too
00:28We don't even need that implant to watch you
00:30We're watching you anyway
00:31We're everywhere
00:31If Grace show up looking for her, we'll see them
00:34I set up inner cameras
00:35I don't know where she is
00:36I want you to meet your kids
00:38Heather, I'm actually a human
00:40What?
00:41You deserve to have what we had before
00:43I can no longer give you that
00:54Running has existed in the universe for billions of years
00:57As a necessary part of a creature's survival
00:59Modern humans do this too
01:01But they call it jogging
01:03Well, I can't stop my feelings from running away
01:06I can't stop
01:09If a human from a million years ago saw us running for fun
01:13He would laugh and laugh
01:14Until the sound brought a woolly mammoth to eat him
01:18I can't stop
01:18I just can't stop
01:20I just can't stop
01:21I just can't stop
01:22I just can't stop
01:22I just can't stop
01:23I just can't stop
01:23I just can't stop
01:25I just can't stop
01:25I just can't stop
01:25I just can't stop
01:34I can't stop
01:35I can't stop
01:35I can't stop
01:35I can't stop
01:48Because humans have diminished mental capacity and bad eyesight, we must hang giant reminders for ourselves.
01:54How else will I remember where the incredibly huge body of water is?
02:00And if you can show your life is better than everyone else's, you win humaning.
02:06Hashtag my office today.
02:08Hashtag lake life.
02:09Hashtag lake.
02:11Hashtag life.
02:13Hashtag blessed.
02:17Foot guy 1172 has already liked it.
02:21I am doing everything humans do.
02:29So why am I feeling empty inside?
02:32Do all humans feel this way when they are alone?
02:36I made up a word for it.
02:38Alone-liness.
02:39I think most humans are alone-ly.
02:42That is why so many people believe in aliens.
02:44It's comforting for them to know they are not alone.
02:48Which is exactly why Peter Bach created the Alien Tracker podcast.
02:52As you know, Peter passed away last year, but I am proud to continue his legacy.
02:58I am Liv Baker, and welcome again to my podcast, Alien Cracker, where I will discuss aliens as well as
03:05the best cheese and cracker pairings.
03:15Today, I am trying a delicious rosemary wheat cracker with a Vermont goat cheese as I discuss the search for
03:22Peter Bach's son, Robert.
03:24But first, a word from our sponsor.
03:29Hey, alien lovers.
03:32Maybe the moon isn't made of cheese, but our Vermont select holiday platter is.
03:41Cracker?
03:42Oh, well thank you.
03:43I don't eat appetizers in closets.
03:45That's stretch out food.
03:48What are you doing?
03:49I'm just recording my podcast trying to find the alien tracker's son, Robert.
03:54I'll pack my stuff up and go.
03:57No, no, no, no, no, no.
03:59You stay.
04:00I'm headed over to the 59.
04:03I think it's good you're getting the word out.
04:05You know, all this alien stuff, it's all connected somehow.
04:08So maybe if we find Robert, we can find Joseph.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Good work, deputy.
04:14It's so good to hear you say that.
04:17To know I finally have a partner in this.
04:20Yeah.
04:22Whoa, whoa, whoa.
04:23Easy.
04:24Easy, deputy.
04:25Haven't you read the HR pamphlet?
04:26We can't be hugging in no closets.
04:27Big no-no.
04:28Big ass no-no.
04:30No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:31No, no.
04:37Let love come to you.
04:39Let love come to you.
04:41I don't need it, though.
04:43Let love come to you.
04:45Let love come to you.
04:48Let love come to you.
04:51Let love come to you.
04:57Humans are just like animals.
04:59Both are drawn to communal areas.
05:01This is why bars are called watering holes.
05:04Bars are also called church,
05:06so that Irish men do not have to lie to their wives.
05:10Well, look who it is.
05:11A good doctor.
05:12You are a lonely, too.
05:14I will sit with you,
05:15and we can hide from the cold,
05:18desperate pain of our loneliness.
05:20Man, if you're trying to stay lonely,
05:21I'm the opposite of that.
05:23I have the aching needs of an entire community on me.
05:26If it wasn't for my ethical standards,
05:27I'd never pay for another drink in my life.
05:29Protiv, you can also get that by wearing a miniskirt.
05:32I see you discovered social media.
05:35I followed you.
05:36You're welcome.
05:37Hashtag beer.
05:39Hashtag turn on all the sports games.
05:43Unfollow.
05:45Hey, you still having kickoff karaoke here
05:47before the Manon Days wrestling?
05:49Why?
05:49You thinking about bribing a judge or something?
05:53That's ridiculous.
05:56The category is 80s power ballads.
05:5980s power ballads.
06:05Hey, Doc, check it out.
06:07Looks like that nice lady over there
06:08has got ass for you.
06:10I already have eyes.
06:12Go talk to her.
06:13Tell her you're a doctor.
06:14Women love that.
06:16Perhaps this is the answer to my loneliness.
06:19I will do what humans do.
06:21Find a partner who will spend their life
06:23trying to fix me.
06:25Hello.
06:28I'm Harry.
06:29I'm the town doctor.
06:32I know a lot of doctor things.
06:34Really?
06:35I'm Lydia.
06:36I work in the bookstore,
06:37and I know a lot of book things.
06:44And I know a handsome man when I see one.
06:46Handsome me?
06:47Oh, I don't know.
06:49You know, I used to think so,
06:51but lately, I don't know about this nose
06:53and this neck skin.
07:00So, doctor, do you enjoy it?
07:03Not very much.
07:05But you would if we were a couple.
07:07Oh, and why is that?
07:08Because doctors are good at sex
07:10because doctors have seen lots of vaginas.
07:13What?
07:14Doctors have seen so many vaginas.
07:17I swear you cannot swing a stethoscope
07:20in my office without seeing
07:22a vagina.
07:22I heard you.
07:23Vagina.
07:24I-I, this morning,
07:26a woman came in.
07:27Bam!
07:27Vagina.
07:28Okay, man, I'm just
07:30leaving with a friend here.
07:32My friend's drunk on stupid.
07:36Come on, man.
07:37What the hell are you doing
07:38talking about vaginas?
07:39I am just looking for a mate
07:41so that I'm no longer lonely.
07:43Lonely.
07:43Lonely.
07:45I'm alone.
07:46Well, this ain't how you do it, all right?
07:48If you want something real,
07:49you're better off building a foundation.
07:51You know, taking your time,
07:52like I did with Lena.
07:53But don't take too much time
07:55because then you get friend-zoned.
07:56What is friend-zoned?
07:57Oh, what is friend-zoned?
08:00It's like you're
08:01outside a cupcake shop, right?
08:03And the line is real long,
08:04but you wait
08:04because those cupcakes are great.
08:06Then you finally get in,
08:08but now the cupcake's
08:08sleeping with somebody
08:09who slipped in the back door.
08:11Ha-ha!
08:12Mm-hmm.
08:13I'm going to go tell Lydia
08:14that I'd like to slip in her back door.
08:16No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:17Forget Lydia.
08:18Please, before she called the cops.
08:19I don't want to have to arrest you.
08:21I still got half a beer left.
08:25Lord, have mercy.
08:42Hey, did I miss my dad playing?
08:43Just the first set.
08:44But you somehow still managed
08:46to look so beautiful.
08:48Okay, I told you
08:49we are not getting a dog.
08:51Oh, that's right.
08:51Sorry.
08:52I already submitted an application
08:54for that place in Jessup, so...
08:55No.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Darcy.
08:57Oops.
08:59Hey, you guys were great.
09:01I was here behind someone tall.
09:03Just in time.
09:04Maybe you can talk some sense
09:05into your father.
09:07Okay.
09:08Um, what?
09:09You swearing off pie now, too?
09:11Yeah.
09:11Just cake and cookies, never pie.
09:14See, you and Harry
09:14are more alike than you think.
09:16What did Samson mean?
09:17He submitted our stuff
09:18to some music festival,
09:20and we got in.
09:21Now he thinks I can just pick up
09:22and hit the road with him
09:23for a week, like we're 19.
09:25Dad, that's great!
09:27Really?
09:27Because I'm not 19,
09:29I'm 119,
09:30and I have a job.
09:32Are you sure?
09:33You should go.
09:34Plus, I could watch this diner.
09:36You already have a job.
09:38Yeah, and the clinic is just
09:40a stone's throw away from the diner,
09:42which I literally know
09:43from that time that Darcy got drunk,
09:44and she bet some guy in front of the diner
09:46that she could hit the clinic
09:47with a rock.
09:49I appreciate it,
09:50but no thanks.
09:51Come on.
09:52My fans are waiting.
09:53I gotta get ready for the next set.
09:55Okay.
10:00I can't believe my dad.
10:02He doesn't trust me
10:03to watch the diner for a week.
10:05I mean, it's right down the street
10:06from the clinic.
10:07A stone's throw away.
10:09That's what I said.
10:10Sometimes I think he still
10:11just sees me as this little girl
10:13that used to sit at the counter
10:14with crayons
10:15instead of a capable adult
10:16who has a job
10:17and lives on her own.
10:18Well, you live with me.
10:19Not if you get a dog.
10:20Hasta.
10:21Hasta.
10:22Hasta!
10:23Who?
10:26Hasta, will you marry me?
10:29What?
10:30Dog not looking so bad now, is it?
10:36Wow, two alien proposals
10:38in one month.
10:40I can't get a normal date,
10:42but suddenly I'm the
10:43belle of the alien ball.
10:45I'm not an alien anymore.
10:47I'm just a human man
10:48trying to backdoor
10:49a human woman.
10:51What?
10:52No, look, never mind.
10:54Thank you for these flowers,
10:56but why did you propose to me?
10:58Because I don't want to be alone.
11:03Oh.
11:08Harry.
11:11When I was with Heather
11:12and my bird babies,
11:13I felt so full.
11:14I felt
11:16whole.
11:17They're gone.
11:20But
11:22I still want a family.
11:25Well, you have family.
11:27You're Bridget.
11:28I know how much
11:29he means to you.
11:30I do like my Bridget.
11:32In the mornings,
11:33he is so cute.
11:36Sometimes,
11:37I just want to punch him
11:39in the throat.
11:42That's how my father
11:43showed affection.
11:46Oh.
11:47Okay.
11:47Well,
11:49maybe you should
11:50spend more time with him.
11:52And take these flowers
11:54back to the
11:54fake flower store.
11:57They're not from a store.
11:59I got them from a grave.
12:01Asta is right.
12:02The connection I have
12:03with Bridget
12:04is as strong as any
12:05I could get with a mate.
12:11When I was an alien,
12:13I thought being a father
12:14was just freezing
12:15your child
12:15in the ice-wind desert
12:16and kicking him
12:17in the face.
12:18But now,
12:19it feels like
12:19there is so much more.
12:22Ready for this?
12:23Ready for this?
12:23Watch this.
12:24Watch this.
12:24Watch this.
12:25Wham!
12:26Oh!
12:28Oh!
12:30Hello?
12:30Oh, I've got to be kidding.
12:31I can't believe you want
12:32I can't believe you want
12:32I can't believe you want
12:33to do this.
12:34Hello!
12:35He's got got!
12:35Hmm.
12:36Ah!
12:38This could be good.
12:39What better way
12:40to bond with my child
12:41than meeting his friends?
12:43This will be fun.
12:45Who's the dork?
12:46Oh, Bridget's dad.
12:49I'm sure it will still
12:50be a little fun.
12:54Hey,
12:55did you know
12:56Liv had a podcast?
12:57Yeah.
12:58I think, uh,
12:59it's about her
12:59alien tracker friend.
13:01She has it
13:01in the supply closet
13:02at work.
13:02I'm actually in the
13:03background of an episode
13:04looking for staples.
13:05Listen to this.
13:06Are aliens
13:06harvesting souls?
13:08We don't know
13:08but at Smith Farmstand
13:09we harvest
13:10the freshest vegetables.
13:11It's not that.
13:12Although the alien tracker
13:13is no longer with us,
13:15the search for his son
13:16Robert continues.
13:18Apparently,
13:19he was abducted
13:20from his mother's womb
13:21before he was born.
13:23Sound familiar?
13:24Hmm.
13:25I think it's time
13:26we talked to Liv.
13:27Wait, are you sure?
13:29I thought you were worried
13:30about Mike getting in the way.
13:31Oh, Mike can't know.
13:32Just Liv.
13:33She says that she has
13:34information she can't share
13:35with the public.
13:36Maybe it's something
13:37that can help us
13:38get our baby.
13:39You know,
13:40with those little freak
13:41alien girls watching us,
13:42it's just getting
13:43more dangerous.
13:44Hmm.
13:47Are those cookies
13:48from the alien girl?
13:52But they're still cookies.
14:08And I said,
14:10nice try.
14:12My mom would never do that.
14:16I know a couple of
14:17decathroids who would say
14:18different.
14:19Oh, decathroid,
14:20you hit in third eye
14:21if you don't shut up.
14:23All right, chill.
14:24Wait, the point is
14:26the ship exploded
14:27and I won 40 million
14:30sinewa.
14:31Boom!
14:32That's like
14:32six American dollars.
14:36What?
14:37Do not roll your eyes at me.
14:40Let's just change the subject.
14:42Okay, let's talk about
14:44sport.
14:45Homosapien sports
14:46are boring.
14:47No one ever gets killed.
14:49If you're playing
14:49with a ball
14:50and it's not even on fire,
14:51why should I care?
14:52Because that's what
14:53polite conversation is.
14:55You pretend to be interested
14:56in what someone is saying.
14:58Hmm.
14:59Hmm.
15:00Hmm.
15:00Yeah, even if they're boring.
15:02Hmm.
15:03Hmm.
15:04Like you right now.
15:06Oh, that is so funny.
15:08You were supposed to eat
15:10the outside of the olive,
15:11not the pit,
15:12and your shirt
15:13is not American.
15:14Dude, it's a poker game,
15:15not a tea party.
15:16Actually, it stopped
15:17being a poker game
15:18when I realized
15:19you were all reading my mind.
15:20That's cheating.
15:21It's not our fault
15:23you're a human now.
15:29You stopped speaking
15:31telepathically.
15:32God, you know,
15:33you are very rude guests.
15:35Oh, Max,
15:35stop being such a ho-shape.
15:38How dare you.
15:41That is our word.
15:42Okay, you're not allowed
15:43to use that word.
15:45That's it.
15:46This game is over.
15:46Everybody out!
15:48Okay, Dad.
15:49Let's go back to my place.
15:50I just got a fish tank.
15:52Great.
15:52We're taking the table with us.
15:54See you later, Hume.
15:55Oh, no!
15:56See, that's also problematic.
15:57Mm-hmm.
16:00I do not care.
16:02You do not need friends like that.
16:04You have me.
16:04I'm your father.
16:05I am all you need.
16:09Regis, you do not run away from me.
16:11Do not slam that door,
16:14you son of a bitch!
16:23Good morning, Alex.
16:28Why are you here?
16:31Someone has to watch the diner
16:32while you go play the music festival.
16:35Asta, we talked about this.
16:36You have a job.
16:38Yes.
16:39And I can do both.
16:40I can open the diner,
16:41and then I can go check in at the clinic,
16:42and then I can come back to the diner.
16:43It's great exercise.
16:45Asta.
16:45Talking is over, okay?
16:47You're going.
16:48Because soon you'll be an elder.
16:50Whoa, stop throwing that word around.
16:52I'm not an elder yet.
16:54Well, soon you will be one.
16:56And you'll be too busy with opening prayers
16:58and land acknowledgements.
16:59There'll be no time for hitting the road, old man.
17:01Right now, you look like a rock star.
17:03Go be one.
17:05I already told the band I'm not going.
17:08Well, I told them you are going.
17:12And I can take care of the diner
17:14while you're gone.
17:15I've worked here my whole life, on and off.
17:17I know how things operate.
17:18What are the food deliveries?
17:19Tuesdays and Thursdays.
17:21Driver's name is Hal.
17:22I even have his number
17:24just in case there's a problem.
17:25Server and cook shift sheet are in the office.
17:28Money bank drops are nightly,
17:29and the payroll is Friday.
17:32Not bad.
17:37Have fun.
17:40This is empty.
17:42It's symbolic.
17:43You still have to pack.
17:44Rock stars don't do their own packing.
17:48It's gone to your head already.
17:53I hate wearing this dumb skin suit.
17:56You complain too much, Bridget.
17:58You wear your human suit all the time.
18:01You just wore it yesterday.
18:02Only because I had to go to the store
18:03to refill my vape.
18:04I told you, that is harmful.
18:06This is stupid.
18:07It is not stupid for a father
18:08to want to spend time with his son.
18:10The weather is horrible.
18:12It's windy.
18:14You're freezing.
18:16The waves are making me sick.
18:18I am not freezing.
18:19I'm warm.
18:20And sick is good.
18:21You just throw up over the site.
18:23You'll chum the waters.
18:26Hi.
18:31How can I help you today?
18:33Hey.
18:34Uh, I put in an application
18:35to adopt a dog from your site.
18:37Ruby?
18:38I hadn't heard back,
18:39so I thought I'd just come in
18:40and pick her up.
18:40The name is Darcy Bloom.
18:42Well, let me see.
18:44It probably just got lost.
18:45We get backlogged here, so...
18:51I'm sorry.
18:53Your application was rejected.
18:57What?
18:58We got some bad feedback
19:00from your references.
19:03You must be kidding.
19:05We're just really strict
19:06about where we place our dogs.
19:09It doesn't take much
19:10for the computer to flag something.
19:12Even something small,
19:15like...
19:16arrested for public drunkenness
19:18and defacing a campus statue.
19:21That was just crazy college fun.
19:23It was two months ago.
19:25I didn't say I was in college.
19:27We need to make sure
19:29we're moving our dogs
19:30into a better home.
19:33Better?
19:34Than a dog shelter?
19:37Yes.
19:38So, what you're saying is
19:40that my life isn't...
19:41good enough for a dog.
19:44I'm sorry.
19:46Sorry about, what,
19:46my life or the dog?
19:48I guess both.
19:50Wow.
19:51This is bullshit.
19:52This whole place is bullshit.
19:54And you know it.
19:54I know.
19:55What kind of hoops
19:56do I have to jump through?
19:57You want me to do some tricks?
19:59No.
19:59This is bullshit.
20:06Oh, hi, Susan.
20:07You ready to order?
20:08Looks like you're
20:09in the wrong place.
20:10I am just covering for my dad
20:11while he's out of town.
20:12Oh, hey,
20:12are you staying on top
20:13of your medications?
20:15Cholesterol and diabetes.
20:17Every day.
20:17Good.
20:18Okay, what can I get for you?
20:20Double cheeseburger with fries
20:22and a chocolate shake.
20:24Um,
20:25did you ever think
20:26that if you didn't eat like that
20:27you wouldn't have to be
20:28on those meds?
20:29Do you ever think
20:29I went on those meds
20:31so I can eat like that?
20:33What do you say
20:34to a nice salad,
20:35a skinless chicken breast,
20:36and an unsweetened iced tea?
20:37I say,
20:38when does Dan get back?
20:40Oh, hey, Jay.
20:41Sorry,
20:42you're not on the schedule today.
20:43Yeah, Dan called.
20:44He, uh,
20:44asked me to come in
20:45and help out.
20:46Oh, well, I'm fine.
20:47I don't need any help.
20:48So you can go.
20:49He said you'd say that
20:50and for me not to go.
20:52Great.
20:52If he doesn't trust me,
20:53why doesn't he just come back?
20:55Maybe he should.
20:56One more word out of you, Susan.
20:57I'm going to bring you
20:57a bowl of kale
20:58and a glass of water.
21:00Don't you have
21:01a wedding to plan?
21:03Does everyone know?
21:06Ah!
21:08So that's it?
21:09You shutting down
21:10the whole investigation?
21:10It's been a while
21:11since there's been a murder.
21:12Seems the killer's moved
21:14out of our area,
21:15so the FBI's reassigned
21:16the case to the
21:17Seattle field office.
21:18What if a mantid
21:18didn't move on?
21:19The what?
21:20What's a mantid?
21:21What's a mantid?
21:22You didn't tell her?
21:22No, didn't mention that.
21:24And you don't need to either.
21:26Okay.
21:28Mom's the word.
21:30I think the killer's
21:31a giant alien mantid
21:32that lives up in the hills.
21:34And I think the only reason
21:35that these murders
21:36haven't been happening recently
21:37is because it's been
21:38feeding on deer
21:39to throw us off the track.
21:40Now, I saw it
21:40with my own eyes,
21:42both of them,
21:42and I think that that thing
21:43is still up there
21:44and it's just waiting.
21:46We'll take that
21:47under consideration.
21:49No, you won't.
21:51No.
21:52See?
21:53It's almost like
21:54I knew what you
21:55was going to say.
21:56Because I'm psychic.
21:58I think, I think,
21:59I think we've...
22:00Yes.
22:01We've got to
22:01a natural stopping point.
22:06So...
22:09Debra said
22:10you wanted to see me?
22:11Yes, yes.
22:12Um, Kate and I
22:14wanted to ask you
22:15over for dinner tonight.
22:16Really?
22:17That was fun.
22:18Don was just complaining
22:19we don't go out enough.
22:20Yeah, uh,
22:21this isn't really
22:23a plus-one situation.
22:26Oh.
22:28But aren't both
22:29you and Kate
22:30going to be there?
22:31Uh-huh.
22:32Yep.
22:33Yep.
22:33Uh, but we both
22:35live there,
22:36so it's not really
22:36a plus-one.
22:38A plus-one for us
22:39would be if we each
22:40brought around dates.
22:41You know,
22:42how awkward would that be?
22:43You know,
22:43pretty awkward.
22:45It's kind of weird
22:46that you would even
22:46suggest it.
22:48I didn't.
22:49Al's forgiven.
22:50We'll, uh,
22:51we'll laugh about it
22:52over dinner.
22:52Oh, I'm already laughing.
22:54Super hard.
22:56I'm laughing harder.
23:01They're dropping
23:01a serial killer investigation.
23:03Your cheerleader friend
23:04thinks the killer
23:04then moved on.
23:06She didn't buy
23:06into my manta theory.
23:08Could have used
23:08some backup in there.
23:09What was you doing
23:10talking to Ben?
23:11He just invited me
23:12over for dinner.
23:12I think he and Kate
23:14want to talk about
23:14something,
23:15and I think it might
23:16be about aliens.
23:17Really?
23:18That's great.
23:19Maybe we can finally
23:19start getting some answers.
23:20Well, what time
23:21they want us to be there?
23:22Oh, they just
23:23want me to come.
23:24Well, what did Ben
23:26say when you demanded
23:27that I join you
23:27and when you told him
23:29that you're only
23:29half a human being
23:30without me?
23:32I didn't say that.
23:34Uh-huh.
23:36Yeah, I feel like
23:36this has something
23:37to do with me
23:37not giving you
23:38a closet hug.
23:41If you want to fish
23:41so bad,
23:42pointing a stick
23:43at them is like
23:43the dumbest possible
23:44way to do it.
23:45That's not the point.
23:46As humans,
23:48fishing is not
23:48about catching fish.
23:49It's about talking
23:50about how we are
23:51not catching fish.
23:53Oh, darn,
23:53that looks like
23:54the fish
23:54are just not biting.
23:56Those sons of bitches.
23:58The truth is,
23:59I need my little baby
24:00Bridget to stay human
24:01because I do not
24:02know how to bond
24:03with him when he is
24:04in his alien form.
24:07No!
24:07Oh, no!
24:08Don't you do it.
24:09No, hey, hey!
24:10Do not put that
24:10in your mouth.
24:11Throw it back!
24:11That's not what
24:12we're doing.
24:12No!
24:13You put it back!
24:15No, no!
24:15Not like that!
24:18What is your problem?
24:20I'm trying to bond.
24:21Is it wrong
24:22for a human father
24:23who used to be
24:24an alien to want
24:24his half-human,
24:25half-alien son
24:26to be human, too?
24:28What?
24:29I'm not an alien anymore.
24:33I need you
24:34to be human.
24:34That's not who I am.
24:36I'm both.
24:37And if you don't like it,
24:39go find yourself
24:39a little human boy
24:40to spend time with.
24:41No, Bridget,
24:42that's...
24:43I don't...
24:43Don't do it!
24:44No, no!
24:45Bridget!
24:46Bridget!
24:47Such a good swimmer.
24:49That's a beautiful stroke.
24:56Good news!
24:57I'm adopting you.
25:06What are you doing here?
25:08And why are you in my bed?
25:09Well, ever since I became a human,
25:11I get cold really easily.
25:13Like when I used to get cold
25:14and you'd call me
25:15a weak little chihuahua boy?
25:16Well, that was because
25:17your hair was short
25:18and you were cute,
25:19which is why I've decided
25:21to adopt you.
25:22I want to give you
25:23a good family.
25:24Why would I let you adopt me?
25:25I don't even like you.
25:27That is a lie.
25:28You love me.
25:28Remember when I used you
25:30as an ottoman?
25:31Oh, that was fun.
25:33For you.
25:34And it was different then.
25:36I mean, sure,
25:36you were mean to me
25:37and tried to kill me
25:38a few times.
25:40At least you were an alien.
25:41Now you're just an old guy.
25:43A human.
25:44Not even a good one.
25:45How am I not a good human?
25:47Good humans
25:48don't sneak into
25:50young boys' bedrooms,
25:51get in their beds,
25:52and say,
25:52let's be friends.
25:54It's weird
25:54and probably illegal.
25:56Fine.
25:58I will leave.
26:00Maybe you're the one
26:01who is weird.
26:02You ever think of that?
26:04Gross.
26:05Well, I get really cold
26:08and then I get really hot.
26:12Being human sucks.
26:23Okay.
26:24Sorry it took so long.
26:26We are short-staffed,
26:26so I booted your ticket
26:27to the back of the queue
26:28because you're my friend
26:28and I knew you'd understand.
26:30What?
26:31A little cold.
26:33What would you say
26:33if they were free?
26:34Now they're warm and delicious.
26:36Melissa called in the clinic.
26:37They need you to come
26:37and it's got a broken leg.
26:38Well, that's why Ellen's
26:39covering for me.
26:40She can do it.
26:42Huh.
26:45Can you warm these up?
26:49Breathe.
26:50Why?
26:51That would just keep me alive.
26:58That waitress looks
27:00just like us, sir.
27:02Okay.
27:02Whoa.
27:03Um,
27:05how did it go with the dog?
27:07Um,
27:08pretty good.
27:10My name is Bernice.
27:12I am considered royalty.
27:15I'm in the market for a dog.
27:16One name maybe is like Ruby.
27:18Dogs deserve to be spent money on.
27:20And I have all the money.
27:22I can afford everything for the dog.
27:25Like food.
27:26Glasses of wine.
27:27We wear our chains
27:28with our initials on it.
27:31Riding together,
27:32like we're riding.
27:33Ruby deserves a wonderful home.
27:36Made of gold.
27:37You didn't get the dog,
27:38did you?
27:38I sure didn't.
27:39No.
27:41Don't freak out.
27:42The refrigerator's broken.
27:43Oh, God.
27:44Okay, well,
27:44the refrigerator's gonna have to wait
27:45because now I have to go
27:46set a broken leg.
27:48Ma'am?
27:49Excuse me.
27:50I'm sorry,
27:51but you look
27:52just like someone I know.
27:54Like,
28:02rude.
28:07Thanks for the invite.
28:08The last dinner I went to
28:09was a murder mystery thing
28:10a couple months ago.
28:12Let me guess,
28:12you solved it right away
28:13and ruined the night for everyone?
28:15They knew I was a cop
28:16when they invited me.
28:16Well,
28:17this is just a casual dinner.
28:19No mysteries to solve.
28:21Just, uh,
28:22just three friends hanging out.
28:24Exactly what I was hoping for.
28:26Oh,
28:27oh.
28:27Oh, shit.
28:29Oh,
28:29I didn't know
28:30if this was a doorbell house
28:31or a knock house.
28:32So you didn't do either.
28:33Welcome.
28:34Yeah,
28:35sorry I'm late,
28:36Deputy.
28:36I didn't know what y'all
28:36was serving,
28:37so I stopped and grabbed a chicken.
28:38We're actually serving chicken.
28:40Oh, good.
28:41I see you took my note
28:42from the last time
28:43when,
28:43well,
28:44all you had was soup.
28:46Oh, uh,
28:47I brought a knife
28:48to cut the chicken.
28:48Oh,
28:49we,
28:49we also have knives.
28:50Oh,
28:50well,
28:51I prefer to use my own knife
28:53to cut my food
28:53being that most Americans
28:54don't adhere to the proper
28:55knife-sharpening regimen.
28:57Look at that.
28:58Oh,
28:58oh.
28:59Is there a regimen?
29:01Nobody wants jagged chicken,
29:02okay?
29:04Woo,
29:04it smells like a bunch
29:05of yum up in this bitch.
29:08It's not over till it's over.
29:12Don't stop now,
29:14we're getting closer.
29:16Everybody knows that
29:19you can't close
29:21heaven's door.
29:23It's not over.
29:25Yeah.
29:27There's gotta be
29:27an unlocked window or something.
29:30You know,
29:31it's bullshit
29:31they made me do this.
29:32You know,
29:34busting Ruby out of here
29:35isn't even silly.
29:36It's a rescue machine.
29:38It is.
29:41Okay,
29:42hold on,
29:42hold on,
29:43hold on,
29:43hold on,
29:43hold on,
29:44hold on.
29:44Go.
29:45Try.
29:46What?
29:46How is it not
29:47one,
29:47two,
29:47three,
29:47four?
29:48You thought that would work?
29:49Everyone uses one,
29:50two,
29:50three,
29:50four,
29:51so you don't have
29:51to memorize it.
29:52What,
29:52does like Einstein work here
29:53or something?
29:54Oh,
29:54give me a credit card.
29:56Yes,
29:56boss.
29:58Here you go,
29:58chef.
30:02Oh.
30:03Yeah,
30:04it's a blast right there.
30:08Shit,
30:08sorry about that.
30:09It's okay.
30:10It's your card.
30:11What?
30:12Why do you have
30:12my credit card?
30:13I got it the other night
30:14when we were at your place,
30:15remember?
30:15You said,
30:16help yourself to anything,
30:17so I took your credit card
30:19and your shower soap.
30:20Well,
30:21I didn't mean
30:21steal my whole identity.
30:23I get it.
30:24Okay,
30:25wait,
30:26I can't,
30:27oh,
30:27oh,
30:28I can't,
30:29oh,
30:29here,
30:29let me try,
30:30let me try.
30:30Let me try,
30:31let me try.
30:31I've got little bird arms.
30:33All right,
30:33just watch this.
30:36Okay,
30:37get it,
30:37get it,
30:37get it.
30:38Go so close.
30:39A little bit.
30:42I'm stuck.
30:43You can't be stuck.
30:44I'm stuck.
30:44No,
30:45no,
30:45come on.
30:47Come on.
30:48No.
30:49Ow.
30:51Ah,
30:52Judy,
30:52the first rule of break-ins
30:54still gets your arms
30:54stuck in the door.
30:55It's not a break-in
30:56unless you break something
30:57going in.
30:57I'll get you out.
30:58I got you,
30:59girl.
31:00I got you.
31:04Now's a break-in.
31:05Save your stuff.
31:06Run.
31:06Go.
31:07I'll be okay.
31:08No,
31:09no,
31:09no,
31:10Get a saw.
31:11Get a saw.
31:13Get some pliers.
31:14It's your arm.
31:15I can get in.
31:16You can get out.
31:17And then once I'm out,
31:18you get,
31:19okay,
31:19grab it.
31:19You grab.
31:20Pull it.
31:20I,
31:21okay,
31:21I'm,
31:21ow,
31:22ow,
31:22ow,
31:23ow,
31:23ow,
31:24ow.
31:25Ow.
31:29If there were a planet
31:30with only one creature on it,
31:32I imagine they would feel
31:33much more alone.
31:34But on Earth,
31:36there are billions of people.
31:37How is it possible
31:38that so many of them
31:39are lonely?
31:42Bridget,
31:42is that you?
31:47Announce yourself.
31:51And if you want to be my friend,
31:53the answer's yes.
32:00Harry?
32:02Peter?
32:04You're not an alien.
32:06You're not human.
32:08I guess we've got a lot of catching up to do.
32:14Why did you come?
32:15They wanted to talk.
32:17Now they'll never tell me anything.
32:18And if they do,
32:18it might just be misinformation.
32:21You know what?
32:23I think you're thinking of disinformation.
32:25You see,
32:25misinformation isn't intended to.
32:27I don't care.
32:28Listen,
32:28you think I would come over here
32:29and infiltrate this dinner
32:30to extract information with them
32:31without a plan
32:32or a chicken
32:33and a carbon knife?
32:35I would have thought that,
32:36but I never will again.
32:38Unbelievable.
32:39I know.
32:39Who invites themselves
32:41to a dinner party?
32:42Get that too,
32:43but this knife is incredible.
32:45It's like slicing through yogurt.
32:47Hi,
32:48can you stop and look at me?
32:50What do we do?
32:51Do we just forget tonight
32:52and talk to Liv another time?
32:53No,
32:54no,
32:54you were right before.
32:56Our baby is out there
32:57and we need information right now.
32:58We can't risk waiting.
32:59Okay.
33:00You find some way to get Mike out
33:01and I'll talk to Liv.
33:03Got it.
33:04Wait,
33:04and Kate?
33:05Yeah?
33:06Put knife sharpener
33:08on my Christmas list.
33:16Oh,
33:19you opened more wine.
33:20Oh,
33:21yeah,
33:21I hope it's okay.
33:22I'm not really a wine guy,
33:24so I wasn't sure
33:25if this was one of your
33:27special occasion
33:28pricey wines.
33:29And yet,
33:29you zeroed right in on it.
33:30Well,
33:31you know,
33:31I just think it's easier
33:32for people to talk
33:33when they drink.
33:33You know,
33:34back in D.C.,
33:34when we had a suspect
33:35on the way down to the jail,
33:37we'd stop by a bar
33:38and get them nice
33:38and liquored up
33:39before we chat.
33:40I'm not in uniform,
33:41so I didn't hear that.
33:43Yeah,
33:43go ahead,
33:43drink up.
33:44Oh,
33:45uh,
33:46you know what might be fun first?
33:47If I show you
33:48my candle collection.
33:49Oh,
33:50no,
33:50thank you.
33:50I don't like candles.
33:53What?
33:53Honey.
33:54Huh?
33:56Sorry,
33:56uh,
33:58what exactly,
33:59uh,
34:00doesn't,
34:00doesn't work for you
34:01about the tiny,
34:02magical,
34:03controlled fire
34:04that has been
34:05illuminating the lives
34:06of human beings
34:07for thousands of years?
34:08Well,
34:09see,
34:09I just don't get the point.
34:10I mean,
34:10light bulbs were invented
34:11over a hundred years ago.
34:12What's,
34:12what's candles
34:13still sticking around for?
34:14Uh,
34:15romance,
34:17ambiance,
34:18celebration,
34:19uh,
34:19rituals,
34:20health,
34:21holiday smells.
34:22You know what?
34:22That sounds like
34:23Big Candle talking to me.
34:24And you want to know the truth?
34:26Candles mean death,
34:28right?
34:28Because all I know is
34:29Colonel Mustard,
34:30he didn't kill
34:30Professor Plum in the study
34:31with a light bulb stick.
34:33Okay.
34:34Well,
34:35on your birthday,
34:35I hope you enjoy
34:36blowing out your light bulbs.
34:37Yeah,
34:37well,
34:38you know what?
34:38Wrong again.
34:39I don't blow them out.
34:39I pinch them out
34:40with spit fingers
34:41like a man.
34:41I wish someone would kill me
34:43with a light bulb stick
34:43and I'm right there with you.
34:46So my son was in the moon.
34:48Yes.
34:48Then Vegas.
34:50Oh.
34:51I think I prefer the moon.
34:52I hope he didn't go
34:53to those girly shows.
34:55I'm sorry I do not
34:56know where he is now.
34:58He was very kind
34:59to Bridget and me
35:00in prison.
35:01How is your boy?
35:03He hates me.
35:06I'm sure that's not true.
35:07No,
35:08I tried to make him
35:08be my friend
35:09and he would not,
35:11no one would.
35:11In my experience,
35:14people like being
35:15with people
35:15who like being
35:16with themselves.
35:18Why would I want
35:19to be with me,
35:20a loser with no friends?
35:22You were pretty comfortable
35:23with yourself
35:24when you were an alien.
35:25I know how to be an alien.
35:28But I'm not
35:29an alien anymore.
35:31I don't feel like a human.
35:33I'm neither.
35:35No.
35:37You're both.
35:39Look at me.
35:40I'm trying,
35:40but it's hard.
35:41I know.
35:42I'm this robot.
35:44But I feel like a human.
35:46And you are half of each.
35:48No,
35:48not half of each.
35:49100% of both.
35:51That is bad math,
35:52especially for a robot.
35:54I am everything I was
35:56and everything I am.
35:58You are both
35:59human and alien now.
36:01And that's a good thing.
36:05I hope you're right.
36:07Just remember,
36:08the only person
36:10who will always be with you
36:11is you.
36:13And when that's enough,
36:16you'll never be lonely.
36:20Now,
36:20I have to go
36:21find my son.
36:25Good luck with yours.
36:32We have to switch things up.
36:34I'll take Liv.
36:35You distract the camel hater.
36:37I mean,
36:37I can't even look at him right now.
36:38Do you think you can get her to talk?
36:40Just keep Mike busy.
36:41You have my permission
36:42to use your feminine wiles?
36:44My feminine wiles?
36:46Yeah.
36:46A little bit of the
36:48ba-ba-boom.
36:49Oh.
36:50Sure, Ben.
36:51See you in 1955.
36:55I think we might need
36:56a new plan.
36:57Yeah.
36:58It's so weird
36:58that insulting
36:59the man's life passion
37:00didn't open them right up.
37:01Debbie, the candles
37:02aren't a passion.
37:03They're a light source.
37:05Talk about a passion
37:06for a candle.
37:08Hello.
37:10What?
37:11Yeah, come here.
37:12Look, look, look.
37:13Look at this.
37:15It's a little teeny tiny camera.
37:16Yeah.
37:17All this time
37:18we've been trying to
37:18figure out that secret
37:19and now we know.
37:23they're swingers.
37:24What?
37:25No.
37:25Debbie, can't you think
37:26of any other reason
37:27to have a hidden camera
37:28in your house?
37:28Probably only 50.
37:30I just don't see
37:31Ben and Kate as swingers.
37:33Maybe Kate?
37:35Definitely Kate.
37:37Ben won't even
37:37take his shirt off
37:38at the pool.
37:39Debbie, it's never
37:40the ones you expect.
37:41Trust me,
37:41I haven't seen enough
37:42depraved sexual behaviors
37:43and appetites
37:44for a lifetime.
37:45Was that when you were in Vice?
37:46No, Tampa.
37:47Oh.
37:47Oh, who's up for some
37:48after-dinner cordials?
37:50Oh, actually,
37:51I dropped...
37:51Oh, whoops!
37:52Oh, God, clumsy me.
37:54Oh, Ben,
37:55take Liv to the bathroom
37:57and get that stain out
37:58before it sets.
37:59Yeah, let's get that blouse off.
38:00Yeah.
38:00Yeah.
38:00Yeah.
38:01I'm not a swinger!
38:03Um, what?
38:05Don't play dumb.
38:06We found your
38:06tiny hidden camera.
38:10Ben?
38:11Well, I-I didn't put it there.
38:13Neither did I.
38:14Then who did?
38:15Oh, my God.
38:17Ben.
38:17What?
38:18The cookie girls.
38:19What cookie girls?
38:20In our house?
38:21I know.
38:21What cookie girls?
38:22The aliens!
38:23The ones who took our baby!
38:35Wow.
38:36Yeah.
38:37Breaking and entering.
38:39Well, really, just breaking.
38:41I didn't even get in.
38:43I didn't have to go down this way.
38:46Saying my lifestyle
38:47isn't stable enough for a dog.
38:49You sure showed them, huh?
38:52Yeah.
38:53Well, now I have a court date.
38:55Oh, will you go with me?
38:56You need a ride, don't you?
38:58My car got booted last week.
39:00Oh, God, of course it did.
39:02Darcy?
39:03I know.
39:03I know.
39:04Don't say anything I know.
39:07I just want to fix this.
39:08Good.
39:09Oh, great.
39:11The refrigerator guy's running late.
39:14I'd keep you company,
39:16but I got to close tonight.
39:17Oh, wait.
39:17Are you doing the bank drop for the bar?
39:19Oh.
39:20Okay.
39:20Um, can you do mine, too?
39:23Yeah.
39:24Gimme, gimme.
39:26See, I'm a good person.
39:29I deserve a dog.
39:30With these irons that will guide me
39:36And I've got to love
39:39A little harder than I
39:41Ever before
39:48Teddy, can I get a bussy soda?
39:50Yep.
39:52Well, at least they gave you
39:58your credit card back
39:59So you can pay for these drinks.
40:01Oh, and I'll
40:01give you your sneakers back tomorrow.
40:04Those are my sneakers?
40:05Yeah.
40:06But don't worry.
40:08I'm not wearing any gross, sweaty socks.
40:09It's just my raw feet.
40:11Cool.
40:13This is all that shelter's fault.
40:15You were just trying to save a dog.
40:17Right?
40:17That's what I said to Asta.
40:19She wasn't buying it.
40:20What'd she say?
40:22Nothing.
40:23She just has a way of saying a lot
40:25without saying anything.
40:26Well, I don't care what she didn't say.
40:28She should take it back.
40:29Yeah.
40:30That's fine.
40:31She'll get over it.
40:32It just has a lot going on
40:34kind of thing.
40:37Anyway,
40:38I'm pretty tired.
40:40Yeah.
40:41Probably take it easy tonight.
40:58No.
41:00No.
41:01No, no.
41:02Shit.
41:04Shit.
41:07Asta's money.
41:08No.
41:10Shit.
41:11Shit.
41:11Shit.
41:12As humans,
41:12we are good at knowing who we were
41:14and who we think we are,
41:16but not so good at knowing who we really are.
41:20Damn it.
41:25Me,
41:26I know that I was an alien,
41:27and now I am a human,
41:29and that I have a son who is both,
41:31and that inside,
41:34so am I.
41:36Here we go.
41:43Oh.
41:44Hi, hi.
41:45Hey, you're here early.
41:47Yes, I'm done fishing with Bridget.
41:51And I want some pie
41:53or anything that doesn't smell like fish.
41:56Okay.
41:59Does it make me a bad manager
42:00if I hope no customers come in?
42:02No.
42:03That just means more pie for me.
42:05I thought I could take care of the diner
42:07no problem, you know?
42:09I wanted my dad to be proud of me,
42:11but it's too much.
42:13I'm a failure.
42:15You are a failure.
42:18What?
42:18But you're also a success.
42:20You need to find the part of you
42:22that is a success,
42:23and then love it.
42:24And then that will be the part that you are.
42:29That actually makes sense.
42:31There's really a lot about you to love.
42:34Hmm?
42:35You have silky, very nice hair,
42:38and you are also very kind.
42:41You're not gonna propose to me again, are you?
42:44Sorry, Asta.
42:45You're in the friend zone.
42:48If you had wanted more,
42:49you should have snuck up in my back door
42:51and grabbed ahold of my cupcake.
42:52Oh, God.
42:53I'm good.
42:55Here's to being friends.
42:58Uh, human friends.
43:07Harry?
43:13Harry?
43:13Harry?
43:17Harry?
43:17Harry?
43:17nor.
43:44you
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