00:00Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and this is Sports Desk.
00:04Football.
00:05And Nottingham Forest may soon be Nottingham deforest,
00:09if coach Liam O'Kane has anything to do with it.
00:11He's ordered the entire team to shave their groins
00:14in an attempt to enable greater laminar airflow
00:16and reduce buckling and weaving of the tendons.
00:19The newly depilated men will be shown off to Nottingham fans this evening.
00:24On to tennis now.
00:26And the sensational young Bulgarian protégé, Mila Milandrovic,
00:29was wowing everybody in Southampton this afternoon
00:32as she prepares for the finals of the Ordnance Survey Maps Cup.
00:35I was lucky enough to catch up with her this morning
00:38as she was practising the subnets.
00:41You are from Bulgari.
00:43Bulgaria. Bulgaria.
00:46I can imagine when you were small,
00:48you were probably taken away from your parents and put in a sports camp.
00:51No, we had a tennis court at my house, and my father was my coach.
00:57You weren't put in a sports camp and trained into a tennis machine.
01:01No, I went to school.
01:02It's normal.
01:04I would work a lot.
01:06You must be devastated for your countrymen
01:10who are subsisting on a diet of bread, potatoes, water,
01:14and, I don't know, beer.
01:18Do you feel guilty?
01:20No.
01:21People eat.
01:23Most of your countrywomen tend to have affected a kind of, well, a moustache.
01:30And you, I have to say, have got a very, very...
01:34sort of top lip.
01:36And it's quite nice, it's very nice.
01:37It's sort of very fine and, er...
01:40Well, I've never suffered from facial hair,
01:43but they have electrolysis in my country.
01:47Electrolysis for dissidents.
01:49Time now for Sports Desk with Alan Partridge.
01:51Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?
01:52You'd like to feel a word.
01:54Um, I don't mind...
01:55I certainly...
01:56Words, well, would be without them.
01:58Wouldn't be able to communicate
01:59and, er, certainly always handy when you're having a conversation.
02:04Yes, words, what do they feel like when they come out of your mouth?
02:07What?
02:07What does a word feel like when it comes out?
02:10It's, well, sort of, what?
02:12Yeah, but does a long word feel different to a short one?
02:15Yeah, certainly, a long one's...
02:17What about significant words?
02:19How do they feel?
02:21Alan.
02:21What?
02:22Well, how do significant words feel when they come out?
02:25A long...
02:26It'll be a long one.
02:26Are they different in texture to...
02:28Yeah.
02:30Hello, and welcome to Sports Desk with me...
02:33Fuckless is a significant word?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Alan Partridge.
02:37And it's a special desk of sport now
02:40as we look back on some of the sporting highlights
02:42of the past sports season.
02:44So lie down, relax, and let these sports commence.
02:48When it's cycling championships you're after,
02:50you can't say fairer than the Tour de France.
02:53Dye Brandauer there in the lead,
02:55swaying from side to side
02:56in his own inimitable bike riding way.
02:59Klaus bin there on the inside,
03:01pumping away with his...
03:02with those gristle-like muscly legs
03:04inside the...
03:05those tight Lycra shorts,
03:07which have become his trademark.
03:08I don't know what this man is playing at.
03:10There's no way.
03:12Surely the judges must come down like a tonne of bricks on that.
03:14Carrying bikes on top of a car
03:16is not a sportsman-like way to run this race.
03:21You join me in the helicopter now
03:23as we look down on these cyclists
03:25that look somehow like cattle in a mad way,
03:28but cattle on bikes.
03:30And there's Sven Gunsson,
03:32closely followed by his great friend and team-mate,
03:34Klaus bin.
03:35And the man with the bikes on his car is...
03:38Yes, he's disqualified, as I said.
03:40And Klaus bin there wins.
03:42Riding non-handed.
03:43No need for that.
03:45And it was upsets all the way
03:47in the dive championships.
03:50Greg Lugani.
03:51Down.
03:52Double-back twister.
03:53Bangs his head and in.
03:54Textbook.
03:55Lovely.
03:56Let's see it again.
03:57He points down.
03:59Up in the air.
04:00Double-back twister.
04:02Comes down.
04:03Bangs his head on the board and in.
04:04Lovely.
04:05The judges surely will give him
04:06high marks for that.
04:08And how's this for a tumble?
04:11There she goes.
04:13Bounce, flip, over and over and over
04:15and then down and then back
04:16and over and over and over and over
04:18and back and over and over
04:19and up and down.
04:20And that bit with the hands there,
04:22not so good.
04:23I mean, I can do that.
04:24But for my money,
04:26the best punches were being pulled
04:27this season in the boxing ring.
04:30There, round four,
04:32in the middle of it here
04:33with the plucky liver puddle
04:35and the ginger boxer,
04:37as he's affectionately known to me.
04:40Thank goodness, actually,
04:41they're wearing gloves
04:42because I've witnessed
04:43bare-knuckle boxing
04:45in a barn in Somerset
04:47about three years ago.
04:48and it was a sorry sight
04:50to see men goading them on
04:52in such a barbaric fashion.
04:54And I'm rather ashamed to say
04:55I was party to that goading.
04:56And two men fighting,
04:58as I saw in the barn that night,
05:00naked as the day they were born
05:02and fighting the way God intended.
05:04Wrestling at points.
05:06I don't know if you've seen
05:07Women in Love,
05:08the marvellous scene by the fire.
05:10It kind of resembled that.
05:12I'm Alan Partridge
05:14and that was my sporting season.
05:16Why don't you join me again
05:17for another one?
05:18Join me.
05:20Thanks, Chris.
05:22And now some late-night soccer results.
05:24I'm Alan Partridge.
05:26This is Division 2.
05:27Hull Paragraph 5,
05:29Portsmouth Bubblejet 1,
05:30Sheffield Hysterical 3,
05:32Chunky Norwich 1.
05:33Richmond Arithmetic
05:34versus Nottingham Marjorie
05:36match postponed
05:36due to bent pitch.
05:38Good night.
Comments