- 2 days ago
مسلسل A Series of Unfortunate Events مترجم - Episode 2
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:10Look away, look away, look away, look away.
00:00:18The show will wreck your evening, your home life, and your day.
00:00:21Every single episode is nothing but dismay, so look away.
00:00:26Look away, look away.
00:00:30Three children lose their home and go to live with someone awful.
00:00:34He tries to steal their fortune with a plot that's not quite lawful.
00:00:37It's hard to fathom how the orphans manage to live through it,
00:00:41or how a decent person like yourself would even want to view it.
00:00:45Just look away, look away.
00:00:49There's nothing but horror and inconvenience on the way.
00:00:53Ask any stable person should I watch and they will say,
00:00:56Look away, look away, look away.
00:01:04Look away, look away
00:01:08Look away, look away
00:01:45Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:01:51Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket
00:01:53And I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant
00:02:00Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:02:03From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene
00:02:07I cannot think of a single line, a single word
00:02:10That does not chill me to my deepest bones
00:02:15Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:02:21However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans
00:02:24Did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office
00:02:27Of Mr. Poe at Mokshuari Money Management
00:02:32Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:02:40Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach
00:02:44Where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny receive terrible news
00:02:48Your parents have perished in a terrible fire
00:02:51In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire
00:02:55Which left the children with practically nothing to their names
00:02:58Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family
00:03:02It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss
00:03:05A nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian
00:03:08And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor
00:03:12With a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle
00:03:14Who made the Baudelaire sleep in an awful room
00:03:17Do a series of difficult and irritating chores
00:03:20And cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe
00:03:25Resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on screen
00:03:31Why, you may ask
00:03:32Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events?
00:03:36How did the resourceful and intelligent children of kindly and attentive parents
00:03:41End up in the care of Count Olaf?
00:03:46That answer, at least, could be found shortly after the fire that claimed the Baudelaire home
00:03:53Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe at Motuary Money Management
00:04:03Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:04:13Do you know what the question I'm asked most is?
00:04:16Will you please leave the premises?
00:04:18Why do I do it?
00:04:19Count Olaf, they ask me
00:04:21Why are you an actor?
00:04:22Why not a model?
00:04:24Or a millionaire playboy?
00:04:26Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call El Fiatra?
00:04:33For fame and fortune?
00:04:34No
00:04:34For standing ovation?
00:04:35No
00:04:36For the costumes
00:04:37Where are the costumes?
00:04:46Nobody brought the costumes?
00:04:59Stay in the car
00:05:00Do we listen to the radio?
00:05:02No
00:05:23Well, we've got to reach them.
00:05:25Try Peru.
00:05:26Well, keep trying.
00:05:27Yes, it's an emergency.
00:05:28See, I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but
00:05:33Let me call you back.
00:05:38I have an appointment.
00:05:40Name?
00:05:46Haircut.
00:05:48Haircut.
00:05:49Yes, Sika.
00:05:52Haircut is my name.
00:05:54Yes, Sika haircut.
00:05:55Yes, yes, Sika.
00:06:01Captain, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?
00:06:25There are many police inspectors, concerned citizens, and television executives who have expressed confusion as to how the Baudelaire orphans
00:06:32ended up in Count Olaf so close.
00:06:35The scene you see behind me is called a flashback, that is a word which here means taking place during
00:06:40the events of the last episode shortly after the Baudelaire fire and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the
00:06:46Poe family.
00:06:47I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, concerned citizens, and television executives might finally
00:06:54leave me alone.
00:06:57Hello, banker man.
00:06:59The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here.
00:07:02File, not fire.
00:07:03I said file. Allow me to introduce myself, because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before.
00:07:09As you can see from my coat, hat, and ascot, I am here on business.
00:07:13And as you can see from my sunglasses, it's bright out.
00:07:18I am here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, for which I understand you are the executioner.
00:07:24Executor.
00:07:24Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened.
00:07:29My name.
00:07:38Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened to me.
00:07:39Is Yessica a haircut?
00:07:42That's strange.
00:07:43I have an appointment for a haircut right now.
00:07:47Jacqueline, please cancel that haircut.
00:07:49Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter.
00:07:50I don't know.
00:07:51I want to hear what this man's haircut has to say.
00:08:12I'd like to make a withdrawal.
00:08:15Well, I don't know, Mr.
00:08:16Count.
00:08:17Count?
00:08:18On me to tell you my name, which is Mr.
00:08:24Yessica haircut.
00:08:25No, Mr.
00:08:26Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen in the event of the untimely
00:08:31deaths of Mr. and Mrs.
00:08:32Baudelaire.
00:08:33They are to be raised by their closest living relative, who appears to be a renowned scientist
00:08:37by the name of...
00:08:38It is one thing to listen to science, Mr.
00:08:41Bankerman.
00:08:41Poe.
00:08:42It is another to listen to the advice of a consultant.
00:08:46And in my important actual consulting expertise business, the phrase closest living relative
00:08:52can mean only one thing.
00:08:54Whoever lives nearby.
00:08:56Really?
00:08:57You think so?
00:09:00I would stake my fortune on it, or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was.
00:09:05Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.
00:09:09I think the person nearest the Baudelaire's is renowned actor and handsome man, Count Olaf.
00:09:17Count?
00:09:18Never heard of him.
00:09:20He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews in several small magazines.
00:09:27His name is pronounced Count Olaf.
00:09:31Count Olaf, and if I'm not mistaken, he lives right... right here.
00:09:38Is that really the closest?
00:09:40Yes, absolutely for sure.
00:09:43Jacqueline, can you please bring in a very large ruler?
00:09:52Jacqueline?
00:09:57Guess I'll get it myself.
00:10:05These events at Multuary Money Management resulted in unfortunate events far and near,
00:10:11from a woman trapped in a remote park.
00:10:13You'll never get away with this.
00:10:15I already did get away with it.
00:10:20To three orphans in horrifying circumstances as our story resumes.
00:10:25Put some elbow grease into it.
00:10:29Mr. Poulsen made a horrible mistake when he took us here.
00:10:33There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care, if we can even call it that.
00:10:36As soon as Count Olaf's back his turn, we need to leave this house.
00:10:39I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer.
00:10:42Who knows what would happen to us on the street?
00:10:44At least here we have a roof over our head.
00:10:46I wish our parents' money could be used now, instead of when you come of age.
00:10:50Then we could buy a castle and live in it.
00:10:53There's armed guards patrolling the outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troop.
00:10:56A large inventing studio and a library.
00:11:01Hurry up orphans, there's reupholstering to be done.
00:11:04Justice Joss said her home was always open to us.
00:11:06She said her legal library was always open to us.
00:11:09It's not the same thing.
00:11:10Mr. Poulsen did say we could contact him if we had any questions.
00:11:13We don't really have a question, we have a complaint.
00:11:16Can I warm that up for you?
00:11:17And also give you some very bad news?
00:11:19What is it?
00:11:20It's that secretary.
00:11:22Shh, not here.
00:11:41An emergency?
00:11:44Very well, but I'm quite busy.
00:11:45My old secretary, a distinguished professional who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished.
00:11:50I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances.
00:11:56Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times.
00:12:00What can I do for you?
00:12:01Count Olaf is a madman.
00:12:02We can't stay with him.
00:12:03He struck class across the face.
00:12:05See his bruise?
00:12:07Oh, excuse me.
00:12:09Poe here.
00:12:11Yes.
00:12:12Yes.
00:12:14Yes.
00:12:16Yes.
00:12:17Yes.
00:12:19Absolutely not.
00:12:23I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
00:12:25Oh, yes, Count Olaf.
00:12:26I'm sorry, you don't have a good first impression of him.
00:12:29He only provided us with one bed.
00:12:31He makes us do a great many difficult chores.
00:12:36Excuse me.
00:12:38Poe here.
00:12:40Seven.
00:12:41Seven.
00:12:43Seven.
00:12:45Seven.
00:12:46Anything but seven.
00:12:48You're welcome.
00:12:51Children.
00:12:52Children.
00:12:52Everyone at some time in their life wishes they were being raised by people different than the ones who were
00:12:56raising you.
00:12:57When I was a little boy, I would have given my eye teeth to be raised by an actor.
00:13:01He calls us orphans.
00:13:03You are orphans.
00:13:04He has terrible friends.
00:13:05I have terrible friends.
00:13:10Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying!
00:13:17Baudelaire, are you familiar with the term in loco parentis?
00:13:20Sounds like Latin.
00:13:22Latin and legal.
00:13:24In loco parentis means acting in the role of a parent.
00:13:27It is a legal term, and it applies to Count Olaf.
00:13:30The actor is acting as your parent.
00:13:33And as your legal guardian, Count Olaf may raise you
00:13:36using any method he sees fit,
00:13:37so I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores,
00:13:40or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends.
00:13:43But there are certain things you must get used to.
00:13:46Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out post-haste,
00:13:49but I've got work to do. Post-haste means very...
00:13:52It means he'll do nothing to help us.
00:13:54Oh, on the contrary. I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home.
00:13:57As soon as he's finished typing up that report.
00:14:02I think we need to call the IT guy.
00:14:04That man works for Count Olaf.
00:14:06He did say Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts.
00:14:09It was good seeing you, Baudelaire.
00:14:10We're not going back to Count Olaf's house.
00:14:12Look at Klaus's face!
00:14:13Oh, no, no, no, orphans.
00:14:18Look at mine.
00:14:22Shall I let them off the hook?
00:14:36I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.
00:14:40Aren't raspberries delicious?
00:14:43They were my favorite berry when I was your age.
00:14:45But we're all different ages.
00:14:57I want to talk to you about something.
00:15:00I recently received a call from Mr. Poe.
00:15:04Is that so?
00:15:06Sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.
00:15:09I'm glad he did.
00:15:10Because I want you three children to feel more at home here now that I am your father.
00:15:17As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe.
00:15:21And I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.
00:15:24The word standoffish is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children.
00:15:32Standoffish refers to a person who, for various reasons, is not associating with others.
00:15:36It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking
00:15:41to another person.
00:16:03It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible
00:16:09chores, and strikes them across the face.
00:16:12Therefore...
00:16:12There are many words for people like that.
00:16:14To make you feel a little more at home here.
00:16:17But standoffish isn't one of them.
00:16:19I want you to participate in my next play.
00:16:23Participate how?
00:16:28I'm...
00:16:33The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it's by the great playwright Al Fongkut.
00:16:39We will give only one performance this Friday night.
00:16:42It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me.
00:16:47You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd.
00:16:51But we're shorter than most adults.
00:16:53Won't that look strange to the audience?
00:16:54You'll be playing two midgets.
00:16:55And what will I do?
00:16:57Build the sets?
00:17:01Build the sets?
00:17:02Oh, heavens no.
00:17:05My sister is very good with tools.
00:17:08A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage.
00:17:12But I'd like to.
00:17:14Sunny, sunny, sunny.
00:17:17Violet?
00:17:18Violet, Violet, Violet.
00:17:20You will be playing the young woman I marry.
00:17:24It's a very important role, although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is.
00:17:30I don't.
00:17:31No, no, no. It's I do.
00:17:35Count Olaf.
00:17:36What did you call me?
00:17:40Father?
00:17:42I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally.
00:17:46I'd hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Phan Koot.
00:17:49Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions.
00:17:53And learning how to prepare roast beef.
00:17:58You will participate in my theatrical performance!
00:18:01I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you,
00:18:06I can act loco parenthesis!
00:18:09In loco parentis.
00:18:10Poco de Laurentiis!
00:18:12In loco parentis.
00:18:14The point is, I can order you to participate, and you must obey.
00:18:28Now go talk to the woman in the wood.
00:18:32I can't stand looking at you anymore.
00:18:44Do you think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries?
00:18:47He ate them all.
00:18:48Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit.
00:18:50Killing us will do him no good.
00:18:52What good would it do to be in a performance of The Marvelous Marriage?
00:19:00Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume.
00:19:05Even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.
00:19:10I have never been married myself.
00:19:11I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman who, when I asked her if she would be
00:19:16my wife, found for complicated and unfathomable reasons, she could give me no answer.
00:19:22No answer.
00:19:31Baudelaire!
00:19:32I'm so happy to see you.
00:19:33Are you here to continue your research?
00:19:36Actually, Justice Strauss, we're here to research something else.
00:19:38Do you have any books on the theater?
00:19:41Ah, the theater.
00:19:43I see you're settling into having an actor for a guardian.
00:19:48I have quite the interest in theater, you know.
00:19:50Learning lines and curtsying for the audience and wearing costumes.
00:19:55I would give up every last wig just to wear costumes.
00:19:59Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances?
00:20:03Ah, local ordinances.
00:20:06Wait, are you sure?
00:20:09Even I don't like reading such books and I work at the High Court.
00:20:13I'm actually considering a career in law.
00:20:15I find those books quite fascinating.
00:20:17Well, to each his own.
00:20:19There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.
00:20:25Sonny, would you like to come with me into the garden while your siblings tackle all this reading?
00:20:33Klaus, what's happened to your face?
00:20:38We're trying to find out.
00:20:39Well, I do have a section on rashes.
00:20:43It's right next to Chinese cars.
00:20:56Isn't it beautiful, boss?
00:20:59No, no, no. It should be delicate fetching and a chiffon trade rippling down like...
00:21:04Like a waterfall.
00:21:05Like an open wound.
00:21:06Exactly.
00:21:11Here comes Count Olaf.
00:21:13A bit of a show off.
00:21:16What?
00:21:16Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf.
00:21:18There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf.
00:21:24Hmm.
00:21:25Hmm.
00:21:29Rice peel off.
00:21:31Got it.
00:21:37I just think, even in changing context, that marriage is inherently patriarchal construction.
00:21:44As likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut that's problematizing...
00:21:49Hmm.
00:21:51Nuclear.
00:21:52Nudism.
00:21:53General.
00:21:53Nugget.
00:21:54Natural.
00:21:57Uh-oh.
00:21:58Gotta go.
00:22:00On the planet.
00:22:02And...
00:22:03Are you leaving?
00:22:06Justice Strauss?
00:22:07Yes!
00:22:08Can I ask you something?
00:22:11Certainly.
00:22:13Oh, there we go, sweet girl.
00:22:16Good.
00:22:17Yes.
00:22:18As one legal scholar to another.
00:22:21The only nuptial requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants,
00:22:26utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand.
00:22:32Does that mean what I think it means?
00:22:34Well, I suppose it depends upon what you think it means.
00:22:38It means you're going to be a star.
00:22:42Uh...
00:22:43Count Olaf?
00:22:44Please, call me your guardian actor.
00:22:47Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal, beagle existence transformed into something mind-blowing and yet extremely
00:22:56classy
00:22:56when you become the exciting new face of the next Count Olaf production.
00:23:03Y-y-you mean...
00:23:05You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role in Al Fungkut's new play.
00:23:12Oh!
00:23:13I've wanted to be an actress since I was young, although my drama teacher told me my chances were slim
00:23:18because of my posture and so I went into the law.
00:23:21But now...
00:23:22Now you can see it.
00:23:23The curtain rises.
00:23:25Curtain?
00:23:26The audience applauds.
00:23:27Audience!
00:23:28And you walk onto stage dressed as a judge.
00:23:32A judge?
00:23:34It's a very important part, although you won't be listed in the program.
00:23:37You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me.
00:23:41I get to share the stage with Count Olaf?
00:23:46While a stunningly costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me.
00:23:51You are so lucky, Violet.
00:23:52All my life I wanted to be a bride, but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by
00:23:58my law degree or obsessed with model trades.
00:24:02A gorgeous bridal dress of my own design, while you perform the entire wedding ceremony, getting each and every word
00:24:13exactly right, while we sign a document which you shall bring from City Hall for added realism.
00:24:18Oh, Justice Strauss, he's up to something!
00:24:20What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true.
00:24:26You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position of being a struggling actress in middle age.
00:24:33It's almost too good to be true.
00:24:35It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is...
00:24:38Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life by making you an important part of this theatrical enterprise.
00:24:44Children, go.
00:24:47Go home.
00:24:48Spend some time with your new father.
00:24:52Hey.
00:25:00Carfe diem.
00:25:01Seize the children.
00:25:02Seize the day.
00:25:03I said day.
00:25:08Boss, I have three kinds of buttercream icing here for you to sample.
00:25:12One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg, and the other's a little lemony.
00:25:16I told you never to say that word.
00:25:19Don't put these orphans upstairs to their bedroom until Friday. I have no use for them until then.
00:25:25Except to cook dinner.
00:25:26We'll order takeout.
00:25:27We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf.
00:25:30We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune. We're gonna prove it.
00:25:33Let me eat cake.
00:25:42Oh, my.
00:25:47Get into your pajamas and say your prayers. Unless you're atheist.
00:25:51You can't just keep us in here.
00:25:52You know who always says that? Prisoners.
00:25:55Listen to us. Count Olaf is...
00:25:56No, no, no. You listen to me, little boy, and you listen very carefully.
00:25:59The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb is because he hasn't gotten a hold of
00:26:04your fortune.
00:26:05But you ask yourself this question, all of you.
00:26:08What reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money?
00:26:12What do you think will happen to you then?
00:26:23This is terrible. Terrible.
00:26:25Awful.
00:26:27What's gonna happen?
00:26:28I don't know.
00:26:29But I know what I'm gonna do.
00:26:31I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.
00:26:35Files was not reading for his own enjoyment.
00:26:38To try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament.
00:26:41The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult.
00:26:45He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.
00:26:48He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.
00:26:53By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know.
00:26:57His hopes rose with the dawn.
00:27:04Although, unfortunately...
00:27:07So did Count Olaf.
00:27:15What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room.
00:27:18I was in my room all night.
00:27:20And I know what you're up to.
00:27:21Me? I'm just having my morning coffee.
00:27:23Although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl.
00:27:26The only nuttile requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants.
00:27:31Utilizing a loco parenthesis if necessary.
00:27:33And the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand.
00:27:36Let me give you a piece of advice.
00:27:38If you use fancy pants words first thing in the morning, you're going to end up a very lonely man.
00:27:43I figured out your scheme.
00:27:45You're not going to marry Violet figuratively. You're going to marry her literally.
00:27:49Literally? That's outrageous. I... wait. Literally? Literally?
00:27:55You don't know the difference between figuratively and literally, do you?
00:28:02It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age, to know the difference between literally and
00:28:07figuratively.
00:28:09Literally is a word which here means that something is actually happening.
00:28:13Whereas figuratively is a word which means it just feels like it's happening.
00:28:17If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, that means that you are leaping through the air because you
00:28:22are very happy.
00:28:24I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy.
00:28:27If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means that you are so happy you could jump for joy,
00:28:31but are saving your energy for other matters.
00:28:36I'm so happy I could jump for joy, but I'm saving my energy for other matters.
00:28:40So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment.
00:28:46I knew that. I was testing you.
00:28:49If my sister says I do and signs a piece of paper whilst Justice Strauss is in the room, she's
00:28:53legally married.
00:28:54This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding.
00:28:57I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth.
00:29:01A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women who don't complain about doing their chores.
00:29:07What's in it for me?
00:29:10A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries,
00:29:14resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings.
00:29:18I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word titular.
00:29:21If you became Violet's husband, you would gain complete control over the boiler of fortune.
00:29:25But a prospective spouse must be chronologically sound and appropriate in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing
00:29:31community standards.
00:29:33My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to.
00:29:40Tell me, bookworm, can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans and is still spoken by
00:29:48very irritating people today?
00:29:50Latin.
00:29:50That's right.
00:29:52And can you translate the Latin phrase in loco parentis?
00:29:58Acting in the role of parent.
00:29:59That's right. And that's me.
00:30:02You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian.
00:30:08And she does.
00:30:10In fact, she has more than permission.
00:30:15She has enthusiasm.
00:30:20All the enthusiasm in the role won't get us to participate in your horrible plot.
00:30:25Mr. Pol will hear about this. Your plan will not be performed and you will go to jail.
00:30:31Here comes Caroloff, throw the rice bill off.
00:30:37Excuse me.
00:30:38Sorry to interrupt everyone, but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses has just figured out our dastardly
00:30:44plan.
00:30:45Yes, thanks to his stupendous library book, the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways.
00:30:52Oh no. Whatever will we do?
00:30:53I guess we will go to jail.
00:30:54For a very long time.
00:30:56I guess that proves reading really is fundamental.
00:30:59Violet.
00:31:00Do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever?
00:31:04His work speaks for itself.
00:31:06You count all of us to marry for real.
00:31:07While you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a plain.
00:31:10But I'm not old enough to get married.
00:31:12You can with the permission of your legal guardian.
00:31:14In loco parentis.
00:31:15We have to get Sonny and get out of this wretched place.
00:31:23Sonny, wake up!
00:31:24Sonny!
00:31:25Where is she?
00:31:26Where is she indeed?
00:31:28It certainly is so strange to find a child missing and one so small, so helpless.
00:31:33When did you see her last?
00:31:36What have you done with Sonny?
00:31:37Here, Sonny, Sonny.
00:31:39Where are you, girl?
00:31:42Did you hear that?
00:31:44It came from outside!
00:31:54Sonny?
00:31:56Oh, you're not looking in the right place.
00:31:59For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent.
00:32:02It's...
00:32:03She's not here.
00:32:06Oh, don't look so down.
00:32:09I'd say things are looking up.
00:32:11Up.
00:32:13Up.
00:32:22Oh, no.
00:32:23Let her go.
00:32:24She's done nothing to you.
00:32:25She's an infant.
00:32:26Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will.
00:32:27But even a stupid brat like you might realize it if I let her go.
00:32:31Or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go.
00:32:33Hi!
00:32:34Sonny might not survive the fall to the ground.
00:32:36That's a 30-foot tower, which is a very long way for a very small person to fall, even when
00:32:41she's inside a cage.
00:32:42But if you insist...
00:32:43No, don't.
00:32:43Please.
00:32:43She's just a baby.
00:32:44We'll do anything, anything.
00:32:46Just don't harm her.
00:32:47Anything, anything.
00:32:49Would you, for instance, consider marrying me during tomorrow night's performance?
00:32:54I would never, ever marry you.
00:32:59Children, your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule.
00:33:04My sister's not a stick.
00:33:09Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward
00:33:17of food,
00:33:18and away from the stick because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain.
00:33:25Likewise, you will do what I say to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister,
00:33:30and because you want the reward of a charming husband.
00:33:36Come now.
00:33:38Would it be so terrible to be my bride?
00:33:40To live in my house for the rest of your life?
00:33:43You're such a lovely girl.
00:33:46After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister.
00:33:52If you let Sunny go, I will marry you.
00:34:00Muggledog!
00:34:03Muggledog!
00:34:03I will let Sunny go after tomorrow night's performance.
00:34:06Until then, she will remain in the tower room for safekeeping.
00:34:10That is all.
00:34:11You're a terrible man.
00:34:13I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune.
00:34:16What have you done?
00:34:23Muggledog!
00:34:27Muggledog!
00:34:28Muggledog!
00:34:41Muggledog!
00:34:45Muggledog!
00:35:00I wish I had an inventor here.
00:35:03Muggledog!
00:35:04I was thinking the same thing.
00:35:08Stop!
00:35:08Shaqueline.
00:35:12You came.
00:35:13You sent for me.
00:35:14Things are disastrous.
00:35:16Everything's gone wrong.
00:35:17I thought so.
00:35:19Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting the Baudelaire children days ago.
00:35:22Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be their new guardian.
00:35:24That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted in case of fire.
00:35:26What went wrong?
00:35:27Why haven't we seen them?
00:35:28Mr. Poe listened to the advice of a consultant.
00:35:31A consultant?
00:35:32Dear God, why would anyone listen to a consultant?
00:35:35I'll give you a hint.
00:35:36His name rhymes with rice pilaf.
00:35:39Are you free Friday night to attend the theater?
00:35:41We might be able to get things back on track without calling attention to ourselves.
00:35:45Of course.
00:35:46But what shall we do until then?
00:35:48Could you cut these ropes for me?
00:35:54The children must be so frightened.
00:35:56We're all frightened, Gustav.
00:35:59Sonny must be so frightened.
00:36:01We're all frightened, Klaus.
00:36:03You should get some sleep.
00:36:04If you're dismantling my bed.
00:36:06You Sonny's.
00:36:06You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot.
00:36:10It's my turn.
00:36:13It didn't help us.
00:36:16Yes, you did.
00:36:17You just didn't finish the job.
00:36:22Remember when our parents first brought Sonny home?
00:36:26She put the doorknob off the nursery.
00:36:30Mother and father.
00:36:32They made me promise to always look after you two and make sure you don't get into any trouble.
00:36:39Let me keep my promise.
00:37:02Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light.
00:37:06But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms,
00:37:11the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.
00:37:16As inventing workshops go,
00:37:17Look at the cover.
00:37:19You're on the right house.
00:37:19What if Ken?
00:37:21Doorknob off theilenote?
00:37:39Doorknob off the grieving!
00:37:41And so that is the end of the lonely boat.
00:37:41As inventing workshops go,
00:37:43Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit,
00:37:46but the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright,
00:37:50and inside of it was everything she needed.
00:38:07Oh, Olaf, that is perfect.
00:38:10It's so wonderful that in addition to your many talents,
00:38:13you have a marvelous eye for fashion.
00:38:15Without being a sissy.
00:38:16Without being a sissy.
00:38:17What was that?
00:38:19I think, what's-his-name shaving?
00:38:21Right.
00:38:22Tell me if this is too much.
00:38:23Baby's breath.
00:38:24I thought you were marrying the older one.
00:38:26No.
00:38:27No, Spriggs, a baby's breath in Violet's hair.
00:38:30Oh.
00:38:30No.
00:38:32No.
00:38:36No.
00:38:46No.
00:38:50No.
00:38:52No.
00:38:53No.
00:39:12The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
00:39:26It is the source of all true art and science.
00:39:49How pleasant that you could join us.
00:39:56What are you going to do with me?
00:39:57I said have a seat.
00:39:58No, you didn't.
00:39:59What are you going to do with me?
00:40:29I don't know.
00:40:32Some sort of ropey thing?
00:40:35It was a grappling hook.
00:40:36She says it was a grappling hook.
00:40:38I don't know, boss.
00:40:39No, yes, boss.
00:40:40Of course, I understand she's yours.
00:40:42Okay.
00:40:43Over and out.
00:40:46Over and out?
00:40:47Oh, I mean, I think it's kind of a walkie-talkie slang for goodbye.
00:40:55So, I'm sorry.
00:40:56Okay.
00:40:57Fine.
00:40:57Yeah.
00:40:58Okay.
00:40:59Goodbye.
00:41:01Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride.
00:41:03Not his bride.
00:41:05Oh, very soon you will be.
00:41:07Which means that I will soon be your hench person-in-law.
00:41:17You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child.
00:41:21But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of
00:41:29stealing their dead parents' fortune.
00:41:31It's a very difficult job.
00:41:33And I will not have any orphans mucking it up.
00:41:36We'll never touch our fortune.
00:41:41Klaus, I'll touch whatever I want.
00:42:02When the sand runs out in the, um, whatchamacallit, your sister will be married to me.
00:42:13What happened?
00:42:14Why are we up here?
00:42:15I tried to rescue Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower.
00:42:18It's so high, you must have been terrified.
00:42:19It's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf.
00:42:21I'm sorry it didn't work.
00:42:22The invention worked fine.
00:42:24I just got caught.
00:42:25We've got to rescue Sunny and get out of here before the sand runs out of the hourglass.
00:42:32I didn't realize the sand went so quickly.
00:42:34I bought it online.
00:42:36You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times.
00:42:38Like, okay?
00:42:39And don't touch the baby!
00:42:42It's gonna be okay, Sunny.
00:42:43Just hang in there.
00:42:46It's okay.
00:42:46He didn't mean it as a joke.
00:42:48You think you could invent something to help us escape?
00:42:53Maybe.
00:42:54Do you think you could research a way to get us out of the wedding?
00:42:57Maybe.
00:43:04I am certain that over the course of your own life you have noticed that certain rooms reflect the personalities
00:43:11of the occupants.
00:43:14For instance, in my own lonely room I have gathered a collection of things which are important to me, including
00:43:21all of my notes on the Baudelaire orphans, a few crucial objects that I have gathered in my travels, and...
00:43:30A blurry photograph taken a long time ago of a woman named Beatrice, which I look at from time to
00:43:39time while writing this account from across what was once a prominent theater, no more able to help the Baudelaire's
00:43:46and the objects they found in Count Olaf's tower room.
00:44:00If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails with those old wine bottles.
00:44:03What are Molotov cocktails?
00:44:04They're small bombs.
00:44:05If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention.
00:44:08But we don't have any kerosene.
00:44:09If you don't say I do and you don't sign the document with your own hand, then you won't be
00:44:13illegally married.
00:44:14But then Olaf will drop Sonny out of the tower.
00:44:16I certainly would.
00:44:18Come orphans, it's time for the big event.
00:44:20My associate here...
00:44:22Hello.
00:44:23Good to see you again.
00:44:24...will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact with the use of these walkie talkies.
00:44:29If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, your sister will be dropped to her death.
00:44:34Shall we?
00:44:36We'll be back soon, Sonny.
00:44:38Don't worry.
00:44:39All right.
00:44:43Come on.
00:44:52Count Olaf, Eleonora Poe from the Daily Punctilio.
00:44:55Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice.
00:44:58Is it a stretch for you?
00:44:59Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium than, say, streaming television.
00:45:04And how do you respond to rumors that this whole production is nothing more than an evil plot?
00:45:08Evil plot?
00:45:09The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage.
00:45:12Take your seats.
00:45:13All right.
00:45:13Curtain, 8 p.m.
00:45:14Sir.
00:45:15Intermission, 915.
00:45:16Sir.
00:45:16Act 2, 930.
00:45:18Unless concession sales are strong.
00:45:19Sir.
00:45:19The wedding will be around 10 p.m., followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, and the
00:45:25after party at the Mexican place.
00:45:27Sir.
00:45:30I'm just glad the Baudelaires are adjusting to their new life.
00:45:33I had my doubts about Count Olaf, but now that I see he's putting three young children in the theater,
00:45:37all my anxieties are put to rest.
00:45:43You two will stay right here until the wedding is soon.
00:45:45Any sort of funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister.
00:45:48You see, curtains means that your sister will be dropped out of the window.
00:45:51But it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains.
00:45:54One minute to curtain.
00:45:55You look great.
00:45:56Don't distract me with idle chatter.
00:45:58I'm trying to get into character.
00:45:59Now, Justice, whatever.
00:46:00Sit here and tell the wedding scene.
00:46:02Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding.
00:46:06Get it absolutely right.
00:46:07There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age.
00:46:11Oh, damn it, scouts.
00:46:17Justice Charles, may we speak to you?
00:46:18Don't distract me with idle chatter.
00:46:20I am trying to get into character.
00:46:24Change of plans, sit here.
00:46:25To distract her.
00:46:28On your better side.
00:46:30Rubber, baby, baby, baby.
00:46:32Rubber, baby, baby, baby.
00:46:35Rubber, baby, baby, baby.
00:46:37.
00:46:39Rubber, baby, baby, baby.
00:46:40No time.
00:46:41At all right.
00:46:42All right, all right.
00:46:43Rubber, rubber, baby, baby.
00:47:06Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond.
00:47:10He's not literally standing at the edge of a pond.
00:47:12He's figuratively standing at the edge of a pond.
00:47:15What is a very handsome man like me to do about it, except perform a lengthy soliloquy?
00:47:32Don't suppose you know how to play poker?
00:47:43Would you like to deal?
00:47:46Please, Lady Pharaohs, I am very handsome, but I am only one man.
00:47:53By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine.
00:47:59By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him.
00:48:03He's so handsome.
00:48:09Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a back run.
00:48:12But if you win again, I'll put tape on my mouth.
00:48:15I'll kill you if I can't have him.
00:48:27I'll kill you if I can't have him.
00:48:42Please.
00:48:44Please, Duchess, I am very handsome, but I am only one man.
00:48:49By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine.
00:48:53By the gardens of Worthington, if I can't have him, my heart will literally break.
00:48:57Figuratively.
00:48:58My heart will figuratively break.
00:48:59Why, what handsome adventures I have had.
00:49:03Only to end up at this same point on this, my wedding day.
00:49:37I'll kill you if I can't have him.
00:49:49Say your line.
00:49:59Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
00:50:14I do.
00:50:19Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:50:30Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:50:53I do.
00:50:56By the powers vested in me, by going to law school, I now pronounce you count and countess.
00:51:05Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:51:54Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:52:19Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:52:33Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:52:40Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:53:29Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:54:02Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:54:21Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:54:39Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:54:52Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:55:06Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:55:36Klaus's legal argument had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells,
00:55:41a phrase which here means it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.
00:55:46And so as Martin Luther King said, morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated.
00:55:53Judicial decrees may not change the heart, but they can restrain the heartless.
00:55:58Oh, that moral argument had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall
00:56:05and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells.
00:56:08It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.
00:56:14And I am happy to say that because Violet, who is right-handed,
00:56:20signed the document with her left hand, the marriage is invalid.
00:56:25Oh, yeah!
00:56:31Well, you may not be my wife.
00:56:35But you are still my daughter.
00:56:37Do you honestly believe I will allow you to continue to care for these three children
00:56:40after the treachery I've seen here tonight?
00:56:42I'm even considering firing your associate as my secretary.
00:56:45Hear, hear.
00:56:46Jacqueline, is that you? Where have you been?
00:56:48I was kidnapped by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree
00:56:51before I could tell you that the Baudelaire's uncle, Dr. Montgomery,
00:56:54was designated by the parents as their legal guardian and husband waiting to hear from you.
00:56:58Dr. Montgomery?
00:56:59I've never heard of him.
00:57:01Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary with an 8% increase in salary.
00:57:05The Baudelaire's will be sent to a suitable guardian,
00:57:08and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close.
00:57:12As for you, Count Olaf.
00:57:17I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do.
00:57:21And when I have it, I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb.
00:57:30Not funny, guys.
00:57:33Olaf?
00:57:34Olaf?
00:57:36Olaf!
00:57:38He's escaped!
00:57:39Wait until the readers of the Daily Puntilio hear about this!
00:57:42You have to capture him! You have to go after him!
00:57:45You let the authorities worry about that.
00:57:47Your children, come home with me.
00:57:49Sorry, but the children must come with me.
00:57:51I cannot allow the Baudelaire's to be raised by someone who is not a relative.
00:57:54What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us?
00:57:56We never would have figured out Count Olaf's plan without Justice Strauss in her library.
00:58:00That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific.
00:58:03He's right.
00:58:04There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you,
00:58:07and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss.
00:58:16Well?
00:58:19Goodbye, children.
00:58:22I'll miss you very much.
00:58:24I'll miss you too.
00:58:30Come along, Baudelaire's.
00:58:39Goodbye.
00:58:41Goodbye.
00:58:54Where are we going to go now, boss?
00:58:56To a vigorously fixed destination.
00:59:07Some things in life are difficult to understand,
00:59:09even after years and years of thinking about them
00:59:12while wandering alone through desolate landscapes.
00:59:16Usually during the off-season.
00:59:26Gustav, have the Baudelaire's arrived at Dr. Montgomery's?
00:59:29Repeat.
00:59:30Have the Baudelaire's arrived at Dr. Montgomery's?
00:59:33Not yet.
00:59:33But I am literally standing at the edge of a pond.
00:59:36Ow!
00:59:40I have a lead on our missing parents.
00:59:41They're alive, but they've been...
00:59:43The world is quiet here.
00:59:53Gustav.
00:59:56Gustav.
01:00:30The Baudelaire's did not understand why they were now off toward an unknown relative instead of living with Justice Strauss.
01:00:40But as with so many unfortunate events in life,
01:00:43just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.
01:00:57Usually our theatrical reviews are the most boring part of the paper.
01:01:01But I bet you little stagehogs are about to make the front page again.
01:01:06The front page!
01:01:09It seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrance.
01:01:13The word which here means very, very wrong and causing much grief.
01:01:17Direction.
01:01:27Things are worse than we thought.
01:01:28They almost always are.
01:01:31Every moment the children are without us drags them deeper into danger.
01:01:34Then we don't have the moment to lose.
01:01:36What's a woman like you building in a place like this?
01:01:39Grappling hook.
01:01:41All tough cocktail.
01:01:43You?
01:01:43Leave no stone unturned.
01:01:51What's a woman like you?
01:01:54jongea called me.
01:01:55You?
01:02:00Who's a woman like you?
01:02:01Who's a woman?
01:02:04Who's a woman like you?
01:02:13Who's a woman like me?
01:02:14How about you visited her,
01:02:15She's turned and not another black scheme.
01:02:15Society's beautiful.
01:02:15Seems like you're told I am doing something pretty Seg mechanism!
Comments