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مسلسل Douglas Is Cancelled مترجم - Episode 1
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00:01That's all for today. Same time tomorrow?
00:04Why not? See you at 6.
00:08That's us off air. Thank you, studio.
00:11Thanks very much.
00:13Jenny, see you off air.
00:15Was I okay with George?
00:17Sorry, what?
00:17Pensions minister.
00:18What?
00:19Did I get the right figures?
00:21Just a sec.
00:22What, you're looking it up?
00:23No, no.
00:25How was the wedding?
00:27Wedding?
00:27Your cousins, wasn't it?
00:29Oh, yes, it was fine.
00:30Was I okay with the pensions minister?
00:32Yeah, of course.
00:32I mean, were my figures right?
00:34Well, not yet, but we'll do some research.
00:36Thanks.
00:37Bibs.
00:38Nice one to do.
00:39Cheers.
00:40Tomorrow?
00:41Yeah, tomorrow.
00:46Big one, what's it?
00:48Big what?
00:49The wedding.
00:49Is it big?
00:50Yeah, I suppose.
00:51I left my coat somewhere.
00:52Makeup.
00:52I put it in your dressing room.
00:54Thanks.
00:55How many guests?
00:56I don't know.
00:58200?
00:58300?
00:59Oh, nice.
01:00So, just the right size then?
01:02Yeah.
01:03Closer to two or three.
01:05I'm sorry?
01:06Closer to two or three hundred, what would you say?
01:09More than 300?
01:10350?
01:11Is something wrong?
01:13There's been a tweet.
01:15What tweet?
01:15This one.
01:19Basically, you were overheard.
01:20Were you a bit loud, were you?
01:22Well, this is nothing.
01:23Okay.
01:24Good.
01:24I mean, it's nothing, isn't it?
01:26Is it?
01:27Of course it's nothing.
01:28Well, that's a relief.
01:28I'm so glad.
01:30I was at a family wedding, for God's sake.
01:32Yeah, exactly.
01:33Family wedding.
01:33Whose business is that?
01:34Nobody's business.
01:35It's not even worth talking about.
01:36Well, you don't have to talk about it.
01:39Do you want to talk about it?
01:40No.
01:40Good.
01:41Good then.
01:41Let's not do that.
01:43Let's not talk about it.
02:19Let's start with an account of what happened.
02:22An honest account?
02:23No, an account.
02:24We can move in the direction of honesty once we've decided on the facts.
02:27In the direction of honesty?
02:28I'm not ruling out honesty at this stage.
02:31So, you're at the wedding, it's evening due, it's late.
02:34I was a little drunk.
02:35Not in my opinion.
02:36I'm sorry?
02:37I disagree about you being drunk.
02:39You weren't there.
02:39We're journalists.
02:40We're never there.
02:41Having opinions about things we didn't witness is the entire point of our existence.
02:44We are the brave few who turn up after the event and explain it to everyone else who missed it.
02:49How do you get through the day being this cynical?
02:51Unheard.
02:52So, at some point, surrounded by friends, probably laughing friends, you made some sort of a joke.
02:59A harmless joke?
03:00Harmless?
03:00Yes, harmless.
03:01Completely harmless.
03:03Overheard presenter Douglas Bellows making an extremely sexist joke at a wedding party.
03:08Disgusted.
03:09The tweeter doesn't seem to think it was harmless.
03:10Why is that, do you think?
03:11Because the tweeter is an idiot.
03:13Tell me more.
03:13I don't know anymore.
03:14I didn't see her.
03:15I didn't even notice her.
03:16But you know about the idiocy.
03:17I'm assuming the idiocy.
03:19Because of a single tweet accusing you of sexism.
03:21Yes.
03:21Ironically enough.
03:22Ironically.
03:23Because you're also assuming the tweeter's a woman.
03:25Oh, Christ.
03:27Patrick Harland.
03:28Man, I'd say, wouldn't you?
03:29Yes, that does seem likely.
03:30The hymn.
03:31Sounds pretty sure.
03:34What was the joke?
03:36I don't know.
03:37You don't know?
03:38I don't remember what I said.
03:39It was a wedding three days ago.
03:41I was drinking.
03:42Why would I remember?
03:42Okay, I see.
03:43So, you don't remember the joke, but you do remember it was harmless.
03:47Yes.
03:47Just like you remember that someone you never even notice is an idiot and a woman just because
03:52she, oops, he, remembers it a bit differently from you.
03:55Yes.
03:56Even though you don't remember it at all.
03:57I'm just telling you the truth.
03:59Isn't that what you want?
03:59Well, the truth is useful, yes, but I prefer something a little more balanced.
04:03We're in news.
04:03Truth is only one side of the story.
04:05This isn't news.
04:06It's going to be news.
04:07It's you.
04:09Like it or not, Douglas, and I don't much, there are a rare few in this world who carry the
04:13burden
04:14of power and influence.
04:16And five evenings a week, you walk into a television studio and read out their names
04:21from an autocue.
04:22Now it's a fact that audiences over time begin to associate television presenters with real
04:28people.
04:29It's deluded, but it's inevitable.
04:31In every crisis and natural disaster for the last 10 years, they've seen you out there
04:36on the front line, introducing the footage.
04:39For over a decade, your face has been the clear popular choice for wars, famines, atrocities,
04:47and royals.
04:48When a national treasure dies, it comes out of your mouth.
04:51As far as our viewers are concerned, your voice is what makes famous people dead.
04:54So please use that instrument of death with care.
04:57How many times do I have to tell you?
04:59When you're out in public, when civilians can hear you, you must be balanced, boring,
05:04and bland.
05:05You should be aspiring to net zero cognitive content, not slobbering out witticisms like
05:11you've cornered the weather girl at the Christmas party.
05:13Well, what about Madeline?
05:14Madeline?
05:15She's all over social media.
05:17She might see this.
05:18So what?
05:19Well, she's, you know.
05:21What is she?
05:22Well, she's, sometimes she's...
05:25I'm holding my breath in terror at your next adjective.
05:27I'm praying it will not refer to the fact that she's female.
05:29Well, Madeline is...
05:31Madeline.
05:32Well done.
05:33Well, net zero cognitive content.
05:35Verging on thought for the day.
05:36Madeline will be fine.
05:37She adores you.
05:38You know that.
05:38Okay.
05:39Everyone knows that.
05:40Sorry, what?
05:40It's got 300 followers.
05:42Who has?
05:43Patrick Harland, the tweeter.
05:45300?
05:45Well, that's nothing.
05:46That's just friends and friends of friends and a bot farm in Russia.
05:49He's getting retweeted, though, and the retweets are getting retweeted.
05:52It'll blow over.
05:52Look, I've got a dinner thing.
05:53I'll talk to you later.
05:54I've got it on live updates.
05:56It's coming in waves now.
05:57It's like being Michael Caine in Zulu.
05:59It's nothing.
06:00It'll burn itself out.
06:01I'll see you.
06:04Douglas, seriously, what was the joke?
06:07I really don't remember.
06:09I hate jokes.
06:10Why can't people just say things?
06:14Hey, Madeline.
06:15Go run.
06:16Sorry.
06:16Good show.
06:17Let's do another one tomorrow.
06:19Yeah, tomorrow.
06:23I wasn't being racist, by the way.
06:25I'm sorry?
06:25I appreciate that Michael Caine was basically the aggressor.
06:28Oh, shut up.
06:35Hey.
06:37Straight home.
06:38Yeah, thanks.
06:46Got himself into trouble, hasn't he?
06:48Your fella.
06:49My fella?
06:50Yeah, yeah.
06:50Douglas, what's his name?
06:51My co-presenter.
06:52Your fella, yeah.
06:54What's he done now?
06:55Told a joke.
06:56A sexist joke.
06:57It's all over Twitter.
06:59Sounds like him.
07:00Was it funny?
07:00He didn't say it was funny.
07:01He just said that it was sexist.
07:03Sounds like Twitter.
07:04Or do we call it X now?
07:05I can't keep up.
07:06I don't think anyone can.
07:07Hey.
07:08You got the figures right.
07:09With the pensions guy.
07:11You were good.
07:12You were looking it up.
07:13Of course I was.
07:14You were checking on me.
07:16I mean, you were factly wrong, but I figured out a way you can be kind of right, so you
07:21haven't screwed up.
07:22What if I had?
07:23Oh, I'd have thrown you to the wolves, mate.
07:24Oh, okay.
07:26Wolves.
07:26That's fair.
07:27I'll phone you later about the thing tomorrow.
07:29You know, the link-up thing.
07:30Yeah, give me a couple of hours.
07:31I've got dinner with my agent.
07:32Okay.
07:33Uh, no.
07:34Phone me during dinner.
07:35I hate my agent.
07:37You got it.
07:41My wife thinks you've got chemistry.
07:43Excuse me?
07:44You and him.
07:45On telly.
07:46She thinks you've got chemistry.
07:47Oh, isn't that nice?
07:49How do you do that then?
07:50Create chemistry.
07:51On telly.
07:52Just sitting on a sofa.
07:54Well, generally you make the bloke about 20 years older.
07:58On Twitter, yeah?
07:59, throw it away.
08:00Yeah.
08:07What's your opinion?
08:11No lot, you want to go on.
08:14Yeah?
08:14Yeah.
08:15Think bout that again.
08:15When did it go?
08:17Did he?
08:19Nothing for you.
08:19What's your opinion?
08:20Not too late, man?
08:20Because you could do the thing, man,
08:23So, aren't you?
08:29Jason Williams. Jason. Cancer. By a kind. It's a big secret. Not sure who knows. Jason's dead. Dead? He died
08:39three weeks ago. Of what? Cancer. That was sudden. Well, no, it wasn't. Not for me.
08:46Okay. About this Twitter thing. Yeah. What do you think? Do you think there's a problem here? I mean, should
08:52I be doing anything? Talking to anyone? Any ideas? Any suggestions? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Oh, God. Where
09:03is it? Well, there we go. What's this? My neighbour's son is a big fan. He wanted to sign the
09:09federal. And okay? Well, sure. Thanks. He'll be thrilled.
09:14I need my neighbour to owe me a favour. My husband's pression for a gazebo. Okay. About the Twitter thing.
09:23Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. What can you do? Well, yes. What can I do? Exactly. What can anyone do? What? Are
09:30you worried about it? About the tweet? About me? Are you worried about it? No, of course not. Really? Good.
09:36That's a relief. A relief? Yeah. Big load off. Thanks. So you are worried? Not now. You reassured me. Quite
09:42honestly. I was bricking it.
09:44Don't touch the food. Yeah. No, but in the unlikely event that there's any kind of a problem. This is
09:51Madeline. Yeah. Neighbours son. Big fan. Can you get her to sign it? Well, she doesn't like this picture. She
09:57regretted it. She preferred to look more serious.
10:00It's his favourite photo, though. He's got hundreds of them in his bedroom, but that's the one under his pillow.
10:05He's got underpants with that photo on them. Underpants.
10:08I don't think she'll be happy signing this photo for a child. He's 38.
10:18Is that Madeline Crowe? Yes.
10:20Madeline Crowe? Yes.
10:50No, it's my favorite photo.
10:50I don't know.
10:57you okay yeah you find that thing about the joke yep you find out what the joke was
11:08no so what was the joke at the wedding the misogynist joke it wasn't misogynist it was
11:14sexist it is different of course they're different what's this misogyny and sexism now yes how am i
11:20supposed to remember two things look about this joke yeah what was it i don't actually remember
11:29it seriously i'm being serious it's probably just one of your usual ones yeah my usual ones
11:35usual misogynist ones it was sexist not misogynist look my point is in the event that anything
11:40happens if anyone says anything or accuses me of anything what do we do oh simple it's a piece of
11:47piss the whole agency playbook with that okay well we release a carefully worded statement saying what
11:53well apologizing obviously expressing remorse obviously yes obviously and then explaining
11:57with great regret this agency is now serving its connection with douglas bellows following his
12:02recent unacceptable remarks how does that help me in the global sense the global sense well someone
12:08has to take one for the team what team team you and me and it's me well you're the misogynist
12:12no i'm
12:13the sexist look it won't come to it but i'll draft something this evening run it by you you can
12:24put a
12:24quote him thanks anyway let's not dwell on it it's too depressing
12:35so jason welling's dead yes cancer yes
12:43the bad kind yes
12:48you mind go ahead toby it's gone nuclear what has the tweet what happened are you in a restaurant
12:58if so please step away from the table
13:03what happened
13:05madeline
13:09madeline and douglas join me now such a success live as six has been you must be thrilled we're
13:16absolutely absolutely yeah it's been fantastic incredible so how did you two first meet was on the
13:21show uh well it would have been just before i guess probably probably auditioning you no he did not
13:26okay let's stop that right there so did he offer you any advice oh he's never stopped he's at that
13:33age
13:34though isn't he you know it just goes on and on i think he keeps going when i'm not in
13:37the room
13:37yeah just an old granddad really drowning off that's that's true so what was the first piece of advice
13:42he gave you um he told me it was worth it um this job he told me whatever you have
13:50to wade through
13:51this job is uh is worth it why are you watching this really oh hi did i say that i
13:57remember saying
13:58that sorry it was in your say programs you were outside in the car i thought maybe you were working
14:03or on the phone or some shit didn't know you'd still be here well just passing the time oh well
14:09i'm kind of busy tonight well i could cook for you i'll get a takeaway oh you don't need to
14:13i know i
14:14don't but i'm going to oh okay ah it's just you know busy busy yeah well i'll just uh you
14:23know i'll
14:23see ya right well i'll call you okay or text you yeah text
14:35right well listen hey thanks for you know it's fine yeah yeah
14:55what did i say that i don't remember saying that yep you said it wait did i say wait yeah
14:59you said
14:59weed was he right was it worth the wade
15:08madeline i'll let you know
15:29okay i'm off home for the rest of the evening are we okay with page two no but yes tell
15:34trevor
15:34something positive anything specific god no he might believe you the budget zoom in ten call me if
15:40there's anything urgent or funny i'll stay for the zoo preferably funny you missed the last two
15:49sheila ellen you loitering for me um
15:55you know that twitter thing that i was going to tell you about that you were going to tell me
15:59about
15:59um the thing about your husband and the joke at the wedding but you were going to tell me about
16:06and
16:07apparently didn't at the last minute i um internalized it what in the name of god's holy
16:14ass was the point of that somnia said i should internalize when i'm feeling frightened of you
16:18somnia who the arsing titwank is somnia hr
16:25you okay everything's fine is it um she used to be called anita but she's sort of reimagined
16:33herself anita varma it's not farmer anymore okay she's um moved on from her patronymic
16:41right good so about my husband on twitter what's he done now
16:51are you internalizing again
16:54are you allowed to say out loud if you are internalizing
17:03right now listen it's okay for you to say anything you like to me you are my pa and it
17:12would be
17:13really really helpful if you could speak i promise to break eye contact on request and will never sustain
17:20it for more than 30 seconds can you just tell me with my assurance of your complete personal safety
17:30about my husband on twitter
17:36um yes so he was at a wedding and someone heard him make a sexist joke which one
17:43probably just one of his usual ones which wedding oh um it was three days ago
17:48donald's oh god he was so pissed but i only left him alone for 20 minutes if he's got himself
17:53in
17:53trouble again that's his lookout let me know if anyone here wants to write about it it's got worse
17:58worse though worse how madeleine
18:22why would you do that i mean why well technically she was defending you she retweeted it she retweeted the
18:28What'd you tweet?
18:29Yeah, because she was commenting on it.
18:31Don't believe this?
18:33Not my co-presenter.
18:35In the process, obviously, yes, she retweeted it.
18:37She's got about half a million followers.
18:39No, she's got two million.
18:41Okay.
18:41So that's two million people who've now seen it
18:43who would never have noticed it if she'd just left it alone.
18:46Yes.
18:46Two million.
18:48I've got one and a half.
18:49It is not, at this precise moment, a competition.
18:54My wife's calling.
18:55Talk to her.
18:56Yeah, in a bit.
18:57If she's seen it, she'll still be shouting.
18:58Look, right now, Douglas, I'm not worried about her shouting.
19:01I'm worried about her newspaper.
19:20I've got a run.
19:22No problem.
19:23Is that my food?
19:25Didn't think you wanted it.
20:02Sorry, I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep.
20:05Douglas, can you just call me back? This is my fourth message. I've stopped shouting.
20:09I just want to know what's going on. Also, for the love of God, please delete these messages.
20:14I work with people who hack your phone. Fuck's sake.
20:37Claudia! Claudia!
20:45Hey, Mum.
20:47Hey. Listen, darling, you've left the front door open again.
20:51Yeah, doesn't matter.
20:52I'm just telling you, you've left it open.
20:55Yes, I know. Don't worry about it. The subject is closed.
20:58It will be closed, Claudia, when the front door is closed.
21:01Why?
21:02Because you keep leaving it open and I'm not happy about that.
21:05Why?
21:07Because it's important.
21:08Why?
21:09Because people might come into the house.
21:11Oh, what people?
21:12I don't know.
21:13Exactly. Jesus, calm down.
21:17Darling, please, this is for your own personal safety.
21:20My safety?
21:21Yes.
21:21Oh, is it dangerous out there? Does this mean I won't be allowed outside now?
21:25Of course you're allowed outside.
21:26Well, if it's safe for me to be outside, why isn't it safe to leave the door open?
21:30Claudia, there's a lot of valuable stuff in this house and surprisingly enough, we don't want it stolen.
21:34Oh, so it's all about your possessions and who cares if I get raped?
21:37Please, can you stop finding a reason to argue with me every single time we speak?
21:42Stop criticising me.
21:43Oh, Claudia, please, can it not be like this? Not every single time we talk.
21:48Oh, and now you're going to cry? You always start crying, Mum. Stop doing that to me.
21:52I'm not doing anything to you.
21:53Stop shouting.
21:55Hey.
21:56Dad, somebody left the front door open and Mum just assumes it was me.
22:00Because it was you. Let it go, Mum.
22:06Drink?
22:07Oh, please, God, yes. Give me wine or give me death.
22:11She never stops. She goes at me all the time.
22:14Like just looking at me sends her into a rage.
22:17The minute we make eye contact, her shoulders flex.
22:21They just sort of pop up like an emergency life jacket.
22:26She's 19.
22:27Sometimes she follows me to the loo, stands outside the door and just keeps going.
22:31I am critiqued sitting on the loo.
22:35Yeah, she's kind of intense at the moment.
22:37I flushed while she was talking.
22:38She called it a microaggression.
22:42You're not reading your emails again.
22:44Someone from Hay wants to talk to you. Does that make sense?
22:47The Hay Festival. I told you I'm doing an interview.
22:50What about?
22:51Well, me, hopefully. I don't really know about anything else.
22:53No, but seriously, what's it about?
22:56It's not about anything.
22:57Well, keep it that way.
22:58No opinions.
22:59People might be listening.
23:00Might be?
23:01Opinions of blood in the water dare to be bland.
23:04What's wrong with my opinions?
23:05You don't have opinions, darling.
23:07You'll just cross at whatever's available.
23:09Okay, bland. I'll be bland.
23:11Bland is good. Bland survives.
23:13Anyway, Madeline.
23:15What the hell is Madeline up to?
24:11Look, in fairness, she was just being supportive.
24:14Come on, you're not going to defend her.
24:16She commented on the tweet in my defence. Look.
24:20And by commenting on the tweet, she retweeted the tweet to two million people,
24:24most of whom would never have seen it any other way, some of whom are pressed.
24:28Can you believe she's got two million followers?
24:30Yes!
24:31Okay, then, the papers. What do you think? Would you all not bother with this?
24:34Don't know. Don't think so.
24:36Well, you're the editor.
24:37I can't play favourites.
24:40I can see it on page five, if it's a slow day.
24:44Cheer up. There might be an atrocity.
24:45Well, there's a war. There's flooding every second Wednesday. There's a climate crisis.
24:49I mean a proper atrocity. Someone off Blue Peter having a wank on a webcap.
24:53Oh, for Christ's sake.
24:53A drive-by dead naming. A royal being slightly offhand to a minority.
24:58There is still actual news in the world, isn't there?
25:00I mean, things are still happening. Or did it all just stop and I didn't notice?
25:03Darling, there is all the human misery and suffering a journalist could wish for, but we live in a world
25:09where a newsreader's arse can push a war off the front page.
25:12And you, my dear, like it or not, are in possession of a newsreader's arse. Handle it with care.
25:18According to Toby, my voice is an instrument of death. Is it my arse now?
25:22They're both good, honey. Just remember which one to talk out of.
25:26Madeline was not defending you.
25:28Of course she was. We're friends.
25:29No, you're colleagues.
25:30We're on the same side. We're a team. Look at what she actually said.
25:34Yeah, look at it. Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter.
25:38So she's saying she doesn't believe her co-presenter behaved like that because she knows him so well.
25:43Exactly. That's good.
25:44Or she's describing your behaviour as unbelievable and saying she no longer wants you as her co-presenter.
25:53Do you think?
25:55Headline. Not my co-presenter, says Madeleine Crowe.
25:59Photo of you. One of the blurry ones where you look a bit drunk.
26:02We have seven. Next to that, a photo of Madeleine.
26:05Shiny hair, blowjob eyes. We've got exactly 12 million.
26:09Subheader. Douglas Bellows blasted for sexist joke.
26:13You see?
26:15First impact. It's sexy Madeleine who's blasting Blurry Douglas.
26:20Of course, when you read the article, we clarify the actual blasting comes from some guy online who no one
26:25cares about.
26:26But our work is done because, my darling, here's the big, big secret.
26:30No one reads the article.
26:33They're all too busy tweeting angry opinions about whatever conclusion they've just jumped to.
26:38Outrage is exciting.
26:40Nuance is work.
26:41Douglas is cancelled.
26:43Well, I mean, it takes more than one article.
26:46Of course it doesn't.
26:48Well, what happened to the presumption of innocence?
26:49It's too slow for the news cycle.
26:51Okay, but seriously, would you run with this?
26:53I don't think so. I don't think anyone will.
26:55There's not enough to it.
26:56But fair play to Madeleine. She's given it her best shot.
26:59She didn't do it on purpose.
27:00She was just ambiguous.
27:02That's not ambiguity. That's plausible deniability.
27:06Madeleine's not like that.
27:08Is she? Is she like that?
27:10I don't know Madeleine.
27:11I only see her on the telly.
27:13All I know about Madeleine is you talking about her all the bloody time.
27:16Well, of course you know her.
27:17We never speak.
27:19Every time I walk into a room, she walks straight out.
27:22Heads for the door like a missile.
27:23Whoosh.
27:24Slam.
27:24Gone.
27:25I think the two of you were having an affair if it wasn't for the saggy tits.
27:28She hasn't got a saggy tit.
27:30I was thinking of yours.
27:33Apparently you weren't.
27:34I wasn't thinking of Madeleine's tits.
27:36Actually, you were.
27:37Not that way.
27:38What way then? Ironically?
27:40No, I just...
27:40Have you noticed that every conversation always ends up being about Madeleine?
27:44Why is everything about her?
27:47What does Madeleine think?
27:48What's Madeleine done today?
27:49Why are you cross about Madeleine this time?
27:53No.
27:54Don't smile at me.
27:55You were fighting.
27:56No, we weren't.
27:58I heard you shouting.
27:59No, you didn't.
27:59We barely raised our voices.
28:00Oh, are you keeping something secret?
28:02We're not fighting, darling.
28:04You were.
28:04I can tell.
28:05I can always tell.
28:06And don't lie, I've already got anxiety today.
28:08Oh, Christ.
28:09Okay.
28:10We were fighting just a little bit.
28:13But on the same side against someone else who isn't here.
28:16So we're taking it out on each other.
28:19It's called marriage.
28:21Was it about Madeleine?
28:23Jesus.
28:23That's Madeleine.
28:25Why would it be Madeleine?
28:26Mum calls her names.
28:27No, I don't.
28:28What names?
28:29Finn.
28:29Finn's not a name.
28:30Finn's a description.
28:31You always say it.
28:32She's always Finn.
28:33Are you fighting about the tweet?
28:36The tweet?
28:37Yeah, I saw it.
28:39Which one?
28:40Which tweet?
28:41About Dad's sexist joke?
28:42The one he told at Uncle Rapey's wedding.
28:45Uncle Donald?
28:46Uncle Rapey, I've told you.
28:47About what?
28:48His inappropriate language around women.
28:50He's not being inappropriate.
28:51He's just being funny.
28:53It's not funny to make women feel sexually menaced.
28:56Sexually menaced by Donald?
28:57Yes.
28:57Who's gay?
28:58Yes.
28:58Who three days ago got married to another man who's also gay so they could be gay together in a
29:02gay marriage
29:03and continued to show no sexual interest in women for the rest of their gay lives.
29:06You felt sexually menaced by a man who's never had a sexual impulse towards a woman in his entire gay
29:11life.
29:12Okay, boomer.
29:13Sorry, just trying to point out how gay works.
29:15Oh, it's so good to be mansplained.
29:17I'm mansplaining a man.
29:18That's got to be legitimate.
29:20Mum, can I talk to Dad?
29:21Oh, go ahead.
29:24In private?
29:25Is this private?
29:27No, it isn't.
29:29Claudia, anything you want to say to me, you can say to your mother.
29:36Forget it.
29:37Help yourself if I could do with some time off.
29:39Oh, that's right.
29:40Just walk out on me.
29:41You asked me to go away.
29:43Exactly.
29:44Good luck, darling.
29:48Dad, what was the joke at the wedding?
29:50I don't know.
29:52The misogynist joke.
29:52It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist.
29:54Same thing.
29:55No, it's really not.
29:56What was the joke, Dad?
29:56Sexism can be prejudicial behaviour against either sex, whereas misogyny is only...
30:00Dad, the joke, what was it?
30:03I don't remember.
30:05Is that true?
30:06Or are you just saying that because you're embarrassed and you don't want me to know what
30:09you said?
30:09No, I'm not just saying that.
30:11I really don't remember.
30:13Okay.
30:16What's wrong?
30:18People at uni are asking about it.
30:20Well, how do they even know about it?
30:21Some of them follow Madeline.
30:23Oh.
30:23Also, I'm part of a student think tank, monitoring the impact of media celebrities on minorities.
30:28Especially women.
30:29Well, women aren't a minority.
30:30Of course they're a minority.
30:31They're the main one.
30:32Well, there are more women than men.
30:33That's a majority.
30:34Dad, take this seriously.
30:35Sorry, did you say think tank?
30:36Yes, think tank.
30:37Is there an actual tank or do you just meet in a bar?
30:39We meet in a seminar room, on a weekly basis, which we book.
30:43Okay.
30:43Not in a bar, Dad.
30:44Okay, sorry.
30:45None of us drink, actually.
30:46Okay, good for you.
30:47Have you considered starting?
30:48Look, you could get cancelled.
30:51Do you understand that?
30:53I don't want that to happen, Dad.
30:54I really don't.
30:55It would destroy me.
30:56And me.
30:57Yeah, and you.
31:01Listen, I don't remember what I said, but whatever it was, it really wasn't that bad.
31:07Promise?
31:08Promise.
31:09You're not lying?
31:10I'm not lying.
31:11I don't lie to you.
31:12When do I lie to you?
31:14You're my daughter.
31:15And an activist.
31:17My daughter first?
31:18Yeah, yeah, of course.
31:19And an activist.
31:21And I'm your father before anything.
31:24Please remember that.
31:25But trust me, Dad, nobody's forgetting about the patriarchy.
31:28Oh, Jesus, Claudia.
31:29Look, I'm just trying to look out for you.
31:30I'm trying to protect you.
31:31Claudia, believe me.
31:33I'm all over this.
31:34I really am.
31:35As it happens, between you and me, father to daughter, your daft old Dad really, really doesn't
31:41want to get himself cancelled.
31:42And, Dad, I really, really don't want to have to cancel you.
31:52That's nice.
31:54That's nice to hear.
32:11Sorry to pull you in so late.
32:12It's a little bit urgent.
32:13No, it's okay.
32:14Take a seat.
32:16Have you been briefed?
32:17Uh, no.
32:18Don't worry.
32:19I will brief you.
32:20So, uh, Douglas, you know Douglas, Douglas Fellows?
32:22Yeah.
32:23Yeah.
32:23You work with him?
32:24Well, yeah.
32:25Yeah.
32:25Douglas needs an emergency joke.
32:28A what?
32:29He needs a very specific emergency joke, and I need you to provide it.
32:35A joke?
32:36Yeah, listen.
32:36At a recent wedding, one, I must stress, in no way affiliated to Live at Six, Douglas Fellows
32:42was overheard telling a joke which may have been accidentally sexist.
32:46Okay, but what?
32:47Listen, just listen, Douglas can't remember the joke, and so far no one has quoted it.
32:52So this is what we call in the news business an opportunity to get ahead of the facts and
32:57decide what the joke might have been.
32:59Oh, you mean I'll make something up?
33:01No, no, not make something up.
33:03No, not exactly.
33:04It's just that sometimes when the facts are a little hazy, we need to provide our audience
33:10with clear, directed information that, as far as possible, reflects the truth without
33:16actually being it.
33:18Okay.
33:19So, what I need from you is a joke sexist enough to cause comment on Twitter, but not
33:24so sexist that it will end Douglas' career.
33:27It has to be right on that borderline between offensive to women and charming and sexy.
33:33We really need to dial in on the precise level of misogyny that will shock but mostly titillate
33:40Douglas' demographic of reasonably educated, marginally self-loathing housewives.
33:45And he's going to need some support on air through an eyepiece for tomorrow night's
33:49show in case he's asked about this.
33:50He might need a few spontaneous one-liners.
33:53And I am confident you are the man for the job.
33:56Why?
33:56Well, because I've been assured you're a top company guy.
33:59Have you signed the NDA?
34:00No.
34:01No?
34:02Why not?
34:03Well, because I'm your driver.
34:06They asked me to bring him in.
34:12I've been your driver for eight years.
34:17Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, I know that.
34:20It's just you're usually facing the other way.
34:27How's the missus?
34:29Dead.
34:32Oh, yeah.
34:33Yeah.
34:35Sorry.
34:39Do beg your pardon.
34:40Bit of a mix-up.
34:41Nobody's fault.
34:42I thought you were the driver.
34:44Oh, okay.
34:49I wasn't being racist.
34:53Moira, I think I'm going to need an NDA.
35:04It's all over Twitter.
35:06I used to bloody Madeline.
35:07It's every bloody place.
35:10Do you think Claudia's a bit strange these days?
35:13I don't want to say strange.
35:14No?
35:14I'd say frightening.
35:16No, I'm serious.
35:16So am I.
35:17It's like we've lost her to a cult.
35:18We've lost her to a university.
35:20It's similar, but you still have to do their laundry.
35:22I'm going to tell Madeline to take down the tweet.
35:24Oh, it's too late for that.
35:26Deleting it will only draw more attention.
35:28Well, then she can delete the lot.
35:29She can close down her account.
35:30She seems to spend all day online.
35:32It's time she'd rejoin the human race.
35:33First thing tomorrow, I'm telling her.
35:35Deleting her account will not make a useful difference.
35:38Well, maybe not, but it'll make a point.
35:40It'll draw a line.
35:40No one is turning my daughter against me.
35:47Okay.
35:48What do you mean, okay?
35:50I said okay.
35:51It means okay.
35:53You paused.
35:54Sorry?
35:55Before okay, there was a pause.
35:56I know what that pause means.
35:58What does it mean?
35:59Nothing.
36:00Doesn't mean anything.
36:04It means you've been angry with Madeline before.
36:07You've been shouting about Madeline all over this house.
36:09You threw a juice carton out of the window once.
36:11It was stuck in the tree for over a year.
36:13Well, I'm angry again.
36:14What if you go to see Madeline and you're really going to sort her out this time
36:18and something happens?
36:20What happens?
36:21I don't know, but you come back home and you're all calm again
36:25and you explain that you and Madeline have had a chat and everything's all fine,
36:29nothing to worry about, all smiles, until the next time.
36:34Okay, well...
36:34How does she do that?
36:36I could spend all night trying to calm you down.
36:39Never works.
36:39How does Madeline do it?
36:41What exactly happens when the two of you have one of your little chats?
36:43We just talk, okay?
36:45For God's sake.
36:46I completely believe you.
36:48You talk.
36:49Okay, fair enough.
36:50Talk about what?
36:53How does Madeline always get you back on side?
36:56How does she do it?
36:57Is she magic?
36:59She's not getting me back on side this time.
37:03Okay.
37:40Morgan, I need you to concentrate on jokes about Twitter for Douglas, okay?
37:43All over there.
37:43He needs to sound relaxed, witty, good sport.
37:55Give me an example.
37:56Oh, no, I'd prefer to be honest.
38:04Was that it?
38:05Has the joke happened?
38:06Because I don't think I laughed at it.
38:09It's not your fault.
38:10Comedy's hard.
38:11Oh, Douglas, sorry.
38:12I need to speak to Madeline.
38:13Douglas.
38:20I need to talk to you.
38:22Nearly finished.
38:23Nearly finished.
38:25Nearly.
38:27Nearly, nearly, nearly.
38:29Madeline.
38:29Nearly, nearly, nearly.
38:31One second.
38:34One second.
38:39All yours.
38:40Madeline.
38:41Oh, look at your face.
38:43You must be wondering what the hell's going on.
38:45Oh, I'm fairly clear on one thing that's going on, and that's the fact that you...
38:48Shut it.
38:49I'm sorry?
38:50The door.
38:51Shut it.
38:53Shut it.
38:53You, shut it.
39:01You're right.
39:01Oh, my God.
39:02Oh, my God.
39:19I love you.
39:19You're right.
39:28Idea for a new sitcom in six parts.
40:01Four parts.
40:20Four parts.
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