No longer a metal head, a stoner or a Goat Boy, SNL's Jim Breuer deals with being a middle aged suburban dad in his first comedy special for Epix. In HD.
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00:08all right now this special is a little different because it's all it's it's family you got pointers
00:14knock yourself out i'm all ears you can be family but be outrageous drop some m-bombs drop some m
00:20-m
00:21bomb drop an s-bomb b y s foul language i'm not being foul but thank you just make sure
00:29it's funny
00:30that's what you gotta do funny funny how you know how jones is i you guys is this
00:37i'm really sorry ozzy i don't i don't let's get crazy
00:48all right listen listen listen all i'm gonna do is be funny i'm gonna do
00:53laughter for all laughter for all done
01:01ladies and gentlemen please welcome jim brewer
01:09oh
01:11oh
01:36Ah, thanks for coming out, man, especially if you've got families.
01:40Nothing gets young people, but your life is so easy, you have no clue.
01:44It's just basically you want to go out, and you go, yeah!
01:48That's how simple life is.
01:50You want to go out? Yeah!
01:53Let's stay out all night.
01:54Let's just stay, let's get on a train and go across the country tonight.
02:01We'll quit work, I got no money, who cares?
02:05We'll live on a freight train for three weeks.
02:08I'll call Subway, tell them I can't make it.
02:11I'll text them, I'll text them.
02:16It's harder once you become an adult.
02:19You have to pick and choose what you're going to do, like events.
02:23If you're going to really go out, you pick your events.
02:26Like my wife and I, the last time we went to an event was probably over a year ago.
02:33I'm not talking about going out, finding a babysitter and that.
02:36I'm talking about an event.
02:38And I took her to a concert, which you just, you don't do when you domesticate it with kids.
02:46What you do is shows.
02:48That's what you're used to.
02:49You used to go to a place where they have a brochure.
02:51And you walk in like, oh, look, look.
02:56Brad Garrett is in this.
02:57How exciting.
02:59Oh, and he'll be singing.
03:02You're looking at the theater.
03:04I heard, I mean, Costello was in here at one time.
03:08Such a lovely theater.
03:10Look, they're bringing back cats.
03:11How exciting.
03:16So that's what I'm used to.
03:18So, you know, we go to a concert.
03:21Now, I have to preface by saying concert.
03:23I grew up a metalhead.
03:25I love 80s, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 80s metal, like Metallica, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah.
03:37A lot of yes, a lot of yes and noos with this.
03:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:45You know, and ACDC and all those guys just.
03:50Now, listen, here's the funny part about metal is, first of all, it's getting old.
03:56Now, that, because, yeah, if you listen to metal, there's no young metal good bands out there that I'm listening
04:02to.
04:03It's becoming oldies.
04:05How scary is that?
04:06But you know what?
04:07Embrace it.
04:08I want to be that grandfather in the backseated car with my grandkids just really not sure where I'm at.
04:24And when you get older, you just want music.
04:27That's the only thing that touches your soul.
04:30So, I want to be in the backseat.
04:31Hey, could you turn on my station, please?
04:37What are we listening to?
04:39They're not even singing.
04:42And my grandkids are going, don't turn on his station, Mom.
04:48That station sounds like they're sacrificing animals.
04:54How great will that be that moment when you're in that backseat, all us old 80s metal guys, and you
05:01hear,
05:01Hey, you're listening to the oldies, goldies station.
05:06As we thank a good Lord for another breath of air today.
05:14This is going out to the class of 82.
05:18And if you're turning 82 today, this is for you.
05:23This is Metallica's creeping death.
05:30And we're going to be in the backseat.
05:32And we're going to be in the backseat.
05:33Die!
05:34Die!
05:34I'm creeping death!
05:37And we'll be in that backseat.
05:39I guess you...
05:53Do you hear his lyrics?
05:56That's music right there.
05:59Die!
06:01Your grandfather's going to die because there's creeping death on the way.
06:07Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up, turn it up.
06:11You know, you're going to need us, oldie metalheads.
06:14Stick us in nursing homes and assistant living.
06:18We are going to rip those places up.
06:22All the old metalheads, please come to the rec room
06:28for the wheelchair mosh pit hour.
06:32Line it up, Freddy.
06:34Turn on Megadeth.
06:49Let me help you up, Mr. Brewer.
06:52Don't you touch me!
06:55This is how we did it back in the day.
07:02You got me good, Charlie.
07:04You got me good.
07:12And you know what?
07:14Metal is just...
07:15Old metal is just...
07:17It's the Wiggles for adults.
07:20That's all it is.
07:22I'll tell you why it's the Wiggles.
07:23I'm telling you, it's the Wiggles.
07:24That's all it is.
07:25If you don't know metal, it's Wiggles.
07:27If you have little kids and you bring them to the Wiggles.
07:30My kids love the Wiggles.
07:32Wiggles, the Wiggles.
07:33Oh, my God, the Wiggles, the Wiggles.
07:36I'm really disappointed in my life and career
07:39that I missed the boat on how to make real money.
07:43The Wiggles...
07:46I'm paying $150 a pop.
07:49And there's a guy with a yellow shirt.
07:58And my kids, like the Beatles,
08:00Oh, my God, it's a yellow shirt!
08:04Can I get a shirt?
08:05I'm in line 40 deep.
08:07Can I get a yellow shirt?
08:11It's a Wiggle.
08:13And then they do their hit song in a place of rub.
08:16You know what their hit song is?
08:20Fruit salad.
08:26Yummy, yummy.
08:30And these kids are like,
08:31I need a fruit salad shirt!
08:33I need a fruit salad shirt!
08:36Please!
08:37Please!
08:38Please!
08:38Let me get the fruit salad shirt!
08:40The yellow one, the yellow one.
08:43But then I realized,
08:45metal,
08:46it's the same thing.
08:48It's just that we're older.
08:5080s metal is the Wiggles,
08:51but it's for adults.
08:53That's all it is.
08:55It's all...
08:55It's great at...
08:56Here, I'll prove it to you.
08:57Who's in Iron Maiden?
08:58Anyone in Iron Maiden?
08:59Okay.
09:00Fine.
09:01Now, yes, you're in Iron Maiden.
09:03You love the music.
09:09Yeah, I get it.
09:11Well, let's be honest.
09:12When you go see Iron Maiden live,
09:15what are you really hoping shows up at that concert?
09:19Eddie!
09:21Eddie!
09:22For those of you going,
09:24what are they talking about?
09:26Eddie is a mascot.
09:28It's just a big skeleton...
09:31What is it?
09:32I don't know.
09:32But you'll stand there for an hour,
09:35like this song,
09:36and then all of a sudden...
09:43And then a grown adult...
09:45Oh, man!
09:46It's Eddie!
09:53Eddie just came out.
09:54You're missing it, bro.
09:55You're missing it, bro.
09:56Let me get an Eddie shirt,
09:58two Eddie shirts.
09:59It's all blue.
09:59That's all Eddie.
10:01It's the Wiggles.
10:04Ozzy Osbourne.
10:04He's a Wiggle.
10:05I love him.
10:07Wouldn't Ozzy's voice be great on a GPS?
10:11It'd be entertaining, but useless.
10:16Calculating rude.
10:17I'm doing...
10:17I'm doing...
10:18I'm doing...
10:18I'm doing...
10:19I'm doing...
10:19I'm doing...
10:19I'm doing...
10:19I'm doing...
10:19I'm doing...
10:22I'm doing...
10:23I'm doing...
10:23I'm doing...
10:33It's my Wiggle, though.
10:35So with that said,
10:37we go on our event.
10:39We're going to see a concert.
10:41And we're going to see...
10:43Metallica live.
10:44Now...
10:45Yeah, I totally tricked my wife.
10:48You know, I played the slow song.
10:50Nothing else made.
10:53Oh, I like that song.
10:54It's not so scary.
10:56Yeah, see?
10:57They changed.
10:58They evolved.
11:04So we get to the show, all right?
11:07And we get there.
11:09We sit out.
11:10I forget.
11:11I'm domesticated now.
11:13She's like, is there a brochure?
11:15I'm like, all right.
11:16We're looking around the stadium,
11:18a brochure, whatever.
11:19Now, here's when you know
11:21you're too old
11:22to be going to concerts.
11:24First of all,
11:25the name of the bands
11:26is already a tragic mistake.
11:29Here's the opener.
11:30So you ready for this?
11:31Just the names.
11:33Anthrax,
11:35Megadeth,
11:36and Slayer.
11:38Okay, all right.
11:40Did you hear?
11:40All right.
11:41You hear that?
11:42You hear that?
11:44You hear that?
11:45Let me tell you something
11:46about Slayer fans.
11:49They are...
11:50That was the scariest time
11:53of my life
11:54when the Slayer fans showed up.
11:55That's the first time
11:56I feared my own race.
11:58I'm not even kidding you.
12:00I feared my own race.
12:02They look like the extras
12:04from Lord of the Rings.
12:07Right before Slayer came out,
12:09someone came out and...
12:14Release the Slayer fans.
12:18They came out of nowhere
12:20under the ground
12:21tattooing their faces.
12:26Slayer!
12:28Slayer!
12:30We're here to witness Slayer!
12:34And I'm...
12:35I'm...
12:36Hovering my wife like,
12:37Everything's gonna be okay.
12:41We're only gonna be on
12:43for like 15 minutes.
12:46Slayer!
12:47Slayer!
12:47We're gonna be safe.
12:50So Slayer's about to go on
12:52right before Metallica.
12:54The lights go out.
12:55Now,
12:56I forget I'm domesticated,
12:58so when the lights go out
12:59of the show,
12:59I still get that giddy feeling.
13:02Oh!
13:03It's so starting.
13:05Because I'm used to,
13:06you know,
13:06Beauty and the Beast.
13:09I'm ready.
13:14Why are they so mean
13:15to the Beast?
13:16They don't get better, Daddy.
13:17They don't get better, Daddy.
13:21So...
13:22So...
13:25So the lights go out.
13:27And I hear...
13:31And I...
13:32Is there a train coming?
13:35And I turn around,
13:37and there's about
13:38500 Slayer fans
13:41and their head
13:42right for the stage.
13:44And they're not using
13:45the aisles
13:46to get there.
13:49And...
13:53Chairs are being flung,
13:55people flying up in the air.
13:58And I looked at my wife like,
14:00every man for himself.
14:01I don't...
14:04We're doomed.
14:05I'll see you
14:05on the other side.
14:08I get ran over.
14:10Run over.
14:11I'm 45 years old.
14:14And this crowd
14:15knocks me down.
14:17By the way,
14:17not one Slayer fan said,
14:19excuse me.
14:23So...
14:23I'm on the floor.
14:25Now, if I...
14:26Listen.
14:27Listen.
14:28When you're 20,
14:2925 years old,
14:30you get knocked
14:31to the floor,
14:32you get right up.
14:33You go,
14:33and you might even
14:35get a cheap shot.
14:36Hey, what's the problem?
14:39But I'm 45.
14:41You know,
14:41I take...
14:42I take cardio kickboxing
14:44with soccer moms,
14:45and I...
14:45And I rock it
14:47at 7 a.m.
14:48And I kick,
14:49punch, punch,
14:50and kick,
14:50punch, punch.
14:53But I...
14:54Kick, punch, punch,
14:55uppercut, uppercut.
14:58But I'm on Slayer.
14:59I'm down.
15:00And I can't get up.
15:01So...
15:02Every time I get up,
15:03another guy
15:04takes me...
15:05And they keep coming by me,
15:07and I turn around,
15:08and I get knocked down again.
15:10But now,
15:11I have responsibilities.
15:13So while I'm fearing for my life
15:15and trying to get up,
15:17I'm texting the babysitter.
15:21It's gonna be a little later
15:23than I anticipated.
15:27Please apologize
15:28to your mother for me.
15:30Now,
15:32I finally...
15:33I finally get up,
15:35and I'm in a tsunami
15:36of humans.
15:37And I end up about
15:39three feet
15:40from the stage.
15:41I didn't ask
15:43for these seats.
15:45And the Slayer starts...
15:51Someone's good sacrifice tonight.
15:55Most likely it'll be you.
15:57Like me?
15:58Is he talking to me?
16:00Is he talking to me?
16:01I was so crowded
16:04that my feet
16:05aren't touching the ground.
16:08So...
16:08So when the crowd moved,
16:10I have no control
16:12where I'm going.
16:12So I'm like...
16:17I guess we'll watch
16:18this guy for a while.
16:22Okay,
16:23we're done with this guy.
16:28This guy's great.
16:30You guys know
16:31the stage is that way,
16:32right?
16:33I'm just saying.
16:37Took me
16:38about
16:3915 minutes
16:40to finally get back
16:41to my seats.
16:43My wife's still missing
16:45to this day.
16:45I don't know
16:46where she's at.
16:48I've got two new tattoos
16:50on my rump.
16:52And I finally felt safe,
16:54and I went,
16:55great.
16:56My towel could be on soon.
16:57These guys are done.
16:58And just when I started
17:01to go,
17:02ah,
17:03Slayer goes,
17:04this is our last song.
17:08Yeah.
17:09So if you're a big Slayer fan,
17:13show everyone around you
17:15what Slayer fans
17:16are all about.
17:29And I didn't get
17:31the brochure.
17:34I said,
17:34if you're a Slayer fan,
17:36pounds,
17:37punch,
17:37kick,
17:38throw down
17:38anyone 30 and over
17:41that looks confused.
17:45Like,
17:46what a bizarre place
17:47to be like,
17:48I love this song.
17:49Hey,
17:50what the...
17:52Like,
17:53where have we come
17:54as a society
17:55where to show
17:57your enjoyment
17:57for something,
17:58that's how we react?
18:00my parents are,
18:02my dad's 90,
18:03my mom's 85 right now.
18:05They come from
18:05that World War II era.
18:07The whole world
18:08was at war.
18:10There was anger.
18:11There was alcoholism.
18:12There was a lot
18:13to be worried about.
18:14And so when they vented,
18:17they'd get crazy.
18:18But to them,
18:19this was crazy.
18:25give me a martini i'm getting crazy
18:32once in a while hen would go up like oh she's getting nuts
18:41like how do we go from that to i love this song
19:03and as the smoke clears there's one guy going i'm your biggest fan
19:21that was my last event uh so yeah i got i have to grow up i have uh i have
19:29three kids
19:30and yeah yeah right like your attitude brother
19:36you would think that i'd be pretty open-minded with my kid i'm very strict
19:41my daughter's 13 still no phone no phone no no no no
19:52and i don't negotiate why can't because no give me a good reason no and no
20:00and they'll try everything well you know everybody in like america
20:1013 has a phone dad well you don't you're special be different how exciting
20:17i'm gonna be a cow like the rest of them no and this is i get more grief
20:22from parents than actually parents would come up to it you know
20:26is that true about your daughter and not having a phone
20:3013 it's ridiculous it's ridiculous
20:33my child came out of the womb gave her an ipad right at me
20:38it's socialism pal you gotta it's it's where they live
20:41all right let me ask you this let me ask you this
20:43what happens
20:47all right what happens if your daughter
20:49is dropped off at the bus stop early
20:56like that's a great question then she walks
20:5850 feet
20:59to the house like where's your kid getting dropped off is that a dilemma in america they're dropping us off
21:07in iowa by accident like this kid's walking around a corn store i can't believe it we're stuck in iowa
21:15again just if i only had a phone
21:20Diane, I can't see you
21:23It's a stupid bus
21:24I don't have a phone either
21:26What are you talking about?
21:28This is the other one I got
21:30This guy's like, excuse me
21:31Alright, let me ask you this
21:34Okay, does your child play sports?
21:37Yeah, she plays, yeah, sports
21:39Okay
21:41What happens
21:42If your child
21:45Goes to sports practice
21:47And it's done early, huh?
21:49What happens then?
21:50I go, where are you dropping your kids off?
21:53What, are they stuck in a gymnasium for like a week?
21:55They left me here!
21:58I'm all alone
21:59And I can't get out
22:00I can't believe this is happening
22:02How can you not know your coach?
22:05How can you not know
22:07Some other teammates
22:08And have contacts
22:10What are you just showing up behind a shopping mall
22:13Where the Mexicans play soccer?
22:16You know that one field
22:18In your town
22:18Where you're like
22:19Oh, that's where the Mexicans play soccer
22:22And they're into it
22:23They're fantastic
22:34You know?
22:36And you're going
22:36Yeah
22:42And you show up going
22:44Hey, uh, amigos
22:45Um
22:47My daughter wants to play
22:49She's really good on defense
22:50So
22:51We don't have a phone
22:52So I'll come back
22:53In like 45 minutes
22:56Have fun with the amigos
22:57Will you, hon?
23:01What about this one?
23:03You ever get this?
23:03All right
23:05Your daughter doesn't have a phone
23:06What if
23:08What if there's an emergency
23:11In school?
23:13All right
23:14Let's
23:14Let's say that
23:15All right
23:16Let's say the kid is on the floor
23:17She's foaming at the mouth
23:20Something happened
23:21Maybe
23:21I don't know
23:22She had the wrong food
23:23And everyone's gathering around her
23:25Like, oh my God
23:26It's a little girl
23:27She's like
23:28What's your name?
23:29I mean
23:31Gabrielle
23:31Gabrielle
23:32Okay
23:33Well
23:35There's nothing we can do for her
23:37Because she doesn't have a phone
23:43It's definitely a challenge
23:45I, uh
23:46The oldest one is at that age
23:48She's beautiful
23:48She's a teenager
23:50You know
23:51The boys are starting to look at her a certain way
23:53And the boys show up
23:54I don't know
23:56I don't know what I'm gonna do
23:57And I
23:58Other men are like this
23:59Oh
23:59You gotta get a gun
24:02Just clean the gun when they show up
24:04And I'll scare them
24:06That
24:06That's not a hundred percent proof
24:08But
24:08I think I'm on to something
24:10When that first boy shows up
24:12I'm dressing like a transvestite
24:19Bing bong
24:20Hi Freddie
24:23Trying on my wife's clothes
24:27Come join me
24:28Come on
24:29You look good
24:29You got them boots
24:36How come they never show up?
24:39I don't know
24:39I don't know
24:41Yeah
24:42Every kid is different
24:43My middle kid
24:45She's um
24:45She's really funny
24:47Really funny
24:48And she's clever
24:50Probably the most clever one in the bunch
24:51Here's the irony
24:52Of her being clever
24:54Is
24:55She's got
24:55The brewer look
24:58Yeah
24:59You know the look
25:00The one that half you've been judging
25:01That you never see me live
25:03Like
25:03Wow
25:03He comes on stage
25:04Looking like that
25:07So
25:08And I
25:08I didn't realize
25:09How funny
25:10This look was
25:12Until I saw my daughter
25:14Staring at a butterfly
25:16For an hour
25:25And she
25:26Thank God
25:27That social services
25:28Weren't doing spot checks
25:30I would have been
25:31Bad trouble
25:32Like
25:33Oh my goodness
25:33We got a child
25:34I don't know what she's on
25:35The front
25:36So this kid looks wrecked
25:38She's wrecked
25:38She's
25:38Her face is all relaxed
25:41She can't even speak
25:42I go
25:42What are you doing?
25:43I go
25:43I go
25:44I go
25:47I go
25:48I go
25:48I go
25:48I go
25:48I go
25:48I go
25:49I go
25:49I go
25:49I go
25:50I go
25:51I go
25:51I go
25:51I go
25:51And this lady
25:53This lady pulled up
25:54And she gets out of the car
25:55And she's concerned for my daughter
25:57She's coming up to my door
25:58And I'm watching
25:59She's going
25:59Sweetheart
26:00There's something wrong
26:01With this child
26:02Charlie
26:03Are you okay?
26:04What's going on with you today?
26:06She doesn't even acknowledge her
26:07She's a butterfly
26:12Motherfucker
26:12Did someone give you a brownie today?
26:16There's something wrong with this child
26:18Call the police
26:19Who is with this child?
26:21And then that's when I have to come out
26:24Uh, excuse me
26:29She's with me
26:30And uh, we're checking out butterflies
26:32If you want to join us
26:43You're a butterfly
26:49You laughing on my kid's face?
26:52By the time you hit the third one
26:53I find myself lying
26:56Just to not deal with it
26:58You know
26:59The poor kid will come like
27:01Dad, can we go to the park?
27:02Oh man
27:02It's closed
27:07I wanted to go
27:09And I googled it
27:10It said closed
27:11It's a beautiful day
27:13And then
27:13I got in a car
27:14And it's broke down
27:15The only thing working
27:16Is the game that dad's watching
27:18It's so annoying
27:20It's so annoying
27:21It's aggravating
27:22It's not fair
27:22It's not fair
27:26You know
27:27But
27:28Because you can't reason with kids
27:30I don't
27:31I don't reason with a kid
27:32I don't reason
27:33My daughter hits the floor
27:34And starts whining
27:35I just step right over them
27:37I go
27:38Let me know how that works out
27:39This is a high kidnapping area
27:41So be careful
27:48My wife though
27:50She'll engage
27:51She'll engage with the little one
27:53And I tell you
27:54That's when
27:55A relationship
27:58Is really
27:59Really challenged
28:00Because
28:00You're supposed to
28:02Stick together as a team
28:04Raising a child
28:05They tell you that
28:06You gotta stick together
28:07But it's hard sometimes
28:08When you walk into a situation
28:11You know
28:12Picture yourself walking in
28:14And my little one
28:15My little one was on the floor
28:16She's screaming
28:17My wife's broken
28:21She broke my wife
28:22Broke her
28:23Right in half
28:24Snapped
28:25My wife snaps
28:26She starts counting
28:27Thinking this will make it better
28:29It just adds to the chaos
28:31So
28:32Right
28:33So I walk in
28:33She's like
28:34Yeah
28:34This is what I walk into
28:35I come out of the car
28:36Happy
28:37Like
28:37Hey
28:37I'm going home
28:38Isn't this great
28:40Hang out with the kids
28:41Boom
28:42There it is
28:43Get up off the floor
28:46You're acting
28:47Completely
28:47Out of control
28:49Right now
28:49And I don't know
28:50Where you get this from
28:54You don't get it from anyone
28:56In this house
28:56I'll tell you that right now
28:57I'm going to start
28:58Counting to five
28:59And when I get to five
29:00I swear to you
29:01If you're not
29:01Up off the floor
29:03And in your bedroom
29:04Getting ready
29:05With your pajamas on
29:06I'm putting you up
29:07For adoption
29:07Do you understand me?
29:09One
29:10I've just started counting
29:11You're not even moving
29:12Because you don't listen
29:13Nobody listens in this house
29:16You want a phone?
29:17You're never going to get a phone
29:19Because I've asked you ten times
29:22To clean the kitty litter
29:23Ten times
29:25Nobody does their chores
29:27And nobody
29:28Don't ask for anything
29:29From now
29:29Two
29:30You haven't moved
29:31Since I started counting
29:33Because you don't believe me
29:35You think you haven't
29:35Do you act this way in school?
29:37Do you act this way in school?
29:38I'm going to start
29:39Videotaping you
29:40And I'm going to send it
29:41To your teacher
29:43This is your student
29:44I don't know what she's like
29:45In the classroom
29:46But at home
29:47She's completely
29:48Out of control
29:49And maybe you can do
29:51Something about this
29:56I'm filing the papers
29:57As we speak
29:59There is still
30:00Kitty dung
30:01In the kitty litter
30:03I can smell it
30:04Do you chores
30:05Or you never get
30:06Whose shoes are these?
30:08I'm throwing them out
30:09Floor
30:11Get up off the floor
30:13Right now
30:15And then
30:17She sees you
30:18And then you
30:20As a father
30:21Ask a question
30:22That you think is just
30:23A common sense question
30:26For this situation
30:30What's going on?
30:37And apparently
30:38That's like
30:39Breaking up a lion feeding
30:40I had no clue
30:41That now it's on me
30:50What's going on?
30:52Did you just ask me?
30:54You just asked me
30:55What's going on?
30:57Don't you dare
30:57Come in our house
30:59We built this house
31:01We built this house together
31:02Me and you
31:02Were together
31:03Long before
31:04Any of you
31:05Children
31:06Ever
31:07Existed
31:08Kitty litter
31:09I'm not going to say it
31:10Again
31:13Don't you dare
31:14Come in this house
31:15Insinuating a situation
31:17At hand
31:18You think I'm the bad guy?
31:19You didn't see
31:20What has led up
31:21To the situation
31:23That is driving me mad
31:25You know
31:25I'm not normally
31:26Like this
31:28These things
31:29Drive me to this
31:31Don't you ever
31:33Come in here
31:34And ask me
31:34What's going on
31:36You want to know
31:36What's going on?
31:37You want to really
31:37Know what's going on?
31:38Ask your daughter
31:40What's going on
31:44Tell your father
31:45Why you're completely
31:47Out of control
31:48I know
31:50Four and a half
32:07And just like
32:08In every movie
32:09When it looks like
32:11Your hero
32:13Has finally met
32:14His doom
32:14The unsung hero
32:17Comes out of nowhere
32:18To save the day
32:20And that's my
32:21Middle kid
32:23She comes out
32:24Of nowhere
32:25I don't know
32:25What to do
32:26She comes in
32:26From outside
32:27Hey dad
32:28Oh
32:30Oh
32:41Okay
32:41Here's
32:42Here's the situation
32:43At hand dad
32:45Oh boy
32:46I would have never
32:49Walked into this
32:50Situation
32:50But you did
32:51So let me
32:52Explain what's going on
32:54She's on the floor
32:55Because
32:56She asked mom
32:57If we can go
32:58To the park today
32:59Because she clearly
33:00Knew you were lying
33:01She's at that age
33:05And mom said
33:06Yeah
33:06We can go to the park today
33:08As long as mommy
33:09Gets to finish
33:10All the things
33:11That mommy needs to do
33:12Well
33:15She clearly
33:16Didn't hear any of that
33:17All she heard was
33:18We're going to the park
33:19So
33:20She barraged mom
33:21With about 37 straight
33:23When we go to the park
33:24You said we go to the park
33:25What about the park
33:26You said we go to the park
33:27When we go to the park
33:28About number 17
33:30Mom snapped into the current condition
33:32She's in
33:35And said we're going to the park
33:37So you can witness me
33:39Burning it down
33:40So you can never go to a park
33:41Again
33:42Ever
33:46She then dropped to the floor
33:48Which is very effective
33:50At the grocery store
33:51In the mall
33:51So it doesn't work at home
33:52You need to understand that
33:55But I'm here for the iPad
33:57Can I borrow the iPad
33:58So I can look up
33:59The origins of a monarch butterfly
34:02Dad
34:02I suggest you cover me outside
34:04I'm with you
34:05Let's get out of here
34:14My wife need a break
34:16Don't feel bad mothers
34:19Because she felt bad
34:20Because she was like
34:20I think I want to get rid of the kids
34:27Don't you feel bad?
34:28I saw a couple of you belly laughing
34:29You feel bad?
34:30Because they do that to you
34:31So
34:32So I said
34:33This is what I said
34:33Listen
34:34Listen
34:34Here's what we're going to do
34:38I'm going to take the kids
34:39For a week
34:41You
34:41Call one of your friends
34:43And you take a trip
34:54All right
34:55It's just us gang
34:57I didn't even finish the Senate
34:59She was hiding in a jet bag
35:09Landed in Naruba
35:15So
35:15So I turned to my kids
35:19Because that's another thing
35:20You got to entertain them
35:21They want entertainment
35:22And if you don't have other kids
35:23You're in trouble
35:24So half the kids are out in camp
35:26Or whatever
35:26So I go
35:26Okay
35:27Gang
35:27Here's what we're going to do
35:29You guys pick one thing
35:30We can all do together this week
35:34It's got to be free
35:39And it's got to be family friendly
35:41Okay
35:41Now
35:43The little clever one
35:44Comes back ten minutes later
35:45Dad
35:46We were all listening to the radio
35:48I live in New Jersey
35:49And they have this place in Jersey
35:51Which I didn't really know about
35:53She goes
35:54Dad
35:54There's this place
35:55Right here in New Jersey
35:57It's called
35:58Great Adventures Safari Park
36:00Oh you already know
36:02What I'm talking about
36:05Alright
36:05So you're going to know this
36:08So
36:08And I didn't believe them
36:10So I'm like
36:11Great Adventures
36:12Yeah
36:12It's a safari
36:13But you take your car
36:15And you drive through the zoo
36:17And the animals are wild
36:19It's like being on a real safari
36:20But with your car
36:23So can we
36:23And it's free
36:24With a can of Pepsi
36:26You bring a can of Pepsi
36:27It's totally free
36:29Alright
36:30See
36:30You know what I'm talking about
36:31I'm like
36:33You heard that wrong
36:36Can of Pepsi free
36:37Yes
36:38It said
36:38Great Entertainment
36:40For a can of Pepsi
36:41Great Adventures
36:42Safari Park
36:43Can we go
36:43And when they're on something
36:45Forget
36:45Can we go
36:45Can we go
36:46Can we go
36:46Can we go
36:46Can we go
36:47You said we can go
36:48We're going in the car
36:48We got a case of Pepsi
36:49They had a case of Pepsi
36:51Sitting in the car
36:52You said we can go
36:53It's free
36:54Come on
36:54Can of Pepsi
36:56We go
36:56It's free
36:57It's family friendly
36:58You said it
37:00We googled it
37:01We got your phone
37:02We already googled it
37:03So there
37:04So I'm driving
37:05And I'm annoyed
37:06Because there's no way
37:07There's no way
37:09Going through a safari
37:10And it's a can of Pepsi
37:11I'm not buying it
37:12So I'm mad
37:13I'm driving down there
37:14And I'm like
37:15You know
37:16Now if I gotta pay
37:18$80 to see a stupid zebra
37:20And a peacock
37:22Dad
37:23It's free
37:23Okay
37:25With a can of Pepsi
37:26It'll be free
37:27You'll see when we get in here
37:28Now this is what I was thinking
37:29Dad
37:30If it's free
37:31With a can of Pepsi
37:32Right
37:33You can drive around
37:34Now
37:34Since we got a case
37:40Shouldn't we be able
37:41To just drive around and around
37:45No
37:46That's not how it works
37:47Well I'm gonna ask them
37:48Alright
37:49Well you
37:49You do that
37:55Now we get to
37:56Great Adventure
37:58Safari Park
37:59The first thing I see
37:59Is this long line
38:01Really long line
38:03To get in
38:04But I noticed
38:05That's to get in
38:06To the roller coasters
38:07And stuff
38:08And I look to my left
38:09And they're like
38:10Dad it's over there
38:10And there's a Safari Park entrance
38:13Red flag number one
38:16Nobody's on line
38:21Pull up
38:22And I don't know
38:23Where they found
38:24This poor woman
38:25I think they took her
38:26Out of the nursing home
38:27For the day
38:28Just get her air
38:29Like Marge
38:30You want to collect
38:30Tickets today
38:33Collect tickets
38:34Collect tickets
38:36Come on
38:37Get the chair
38:37Pull the car
38:38We're gonna go see
38:39Animals
38:39And collect tickets
38:40Today
38:41So we pull up
38:42There's little Marge
38:44She's at the ticket booth
38:46She's not even looking at us
38:47She's like
38:47Welcome to Great Adventure
38:50Safari Park
38:53The animals are wild
38:55They are dangerous
38:57Do not open up
39:00Your window
39:01To attempt to feed
39:02The animals
39:03They will try
39:05To get in your car
39:06It is $89.99
39:10Per person
39:11Look at the kids
39:16Are you kidding me
39:17Unless you got a can of Peptid
39:20And it's free
39:29Which now all three kids
39:31Look at me
39:31And go
39:35Hold on a second
39:36It's free with a can of Pepsi
39:39Yep
39:39It's our radio promotion
39:41It's great entertainment
39:44For a can of Pepsi
39:47All right
39:48Are the animals alive
39:52Oh they're very alive
39:55And my daughter goes
39:56Ask them
39:57Ask them about the case of Pepsi
40:00I'm like
40:01Oh you got a case of Pepsi
40:02Then you can drive
40:03Round and around
40:14So
40:16A little
40:17A little word to the wise
40:18If you ever go to this place
40:20Bring a rental
40:23Because
40:24First of all
40:26All the animals
40:27Are waiting for you
40:29They're like
40:29Oh
40:30We got
40:30We got a visitor
40:33We got a visitor
40:36There's one elephant
40:37He's missing
40:38As one of his legs
40:40Are turned in
40:45But
40:49When you get it
40:50There's all these
40:51Baboons waiting for you
40:52Not monkeys
40:53Baboons
40:54And literally
40:55Soon as the gate opened
40:56The baboons are on your car
40:58Trying to rip it to pieces
41:07He's on the side view mirror
41:09Working this thing
41:10For ten minutes
41:13And I can only go
41:14Ten miles an hour
41:15That's the law
41:16So they're walking
41:17Alongside your car
41:19Staring at you
41:24And they're ripping
41:25The hubcaps off
41:26And the lining
41:27On the hubcaps
41:28And they completely
41:29Engulf your car
41:31And the kids
41:32Are starting
41:32To get freaked out
41:33Because they're in the window
41:35Staring at
41:36And the kids
41:40Are going
41:40Um
41:41Dad
41:46Dad are we safe?
41:50I'm not going to give you
41:51False hope
41:52I don't know
41:54I've never been to a place
41:56Where they're ripping
41:56The car apart
41:57And there's nobody
41:58In sight to help us
41:59Except for Marge
42:03So we
42:04We put the car
42:06In park
42:06Because nobody's there
42:07And that's
42:08Then all of a sudden
42:09The ostriches
42:10Come out of nowhere
42:10Like
42:11Yeah
42:17And they instantly
42:18Attack the car
42:19A big ostrich leg
42:25And I hear my car
42:27The metal just
42:28Crunching
42:30And these guys
42:31Are working
42:31On the hubcaps
42:32And the side
42:33View mirror
42:38And I'm trying
42:39To make them go away
42:40I'm hitting the gas
42:41And I'm moving
42:42Now I see
42:43There's one ostrich
42:45Checking me out
42:53And I feel
43:23Like he's trying
43:27But that's when I realized
43:29He was sizing me up
43:31Because as soon as she's like
43:32Alright dad
43:32I got it on camera
43:33I went to grab me
43:34And he wailed me
43:37And I was knocked out
43:39For about three seconds
43:40The only reason I know
43:41Is because when I came to
43:42My kids were in my face
43:44Going
43:44Dad
43:45Oh my gosh
43:46You were sleeping
43:47Really hard
43:47You were going
43:48Like this
43:48Really quick
43:49With your eyes
43:54And when I came to
43:56And I felt like
43:57What's going on
43:57He hit me again
43:58But now he didn't
43:59Knock me out
44:00So now I'm fighting
44:01This thing
44:01I'm fighting
44:02The ostrich
44:03He's taking a whack
44:04On me
44:05And I'm like
44:05I've been a slayer
44:06I fear
44:06I don't fear
44:08I do not fear
44:09An ostrich
44:09So we're going
44:10And he hits me
44:12In the belly
44:12And I'm trying
44:12To grab
44:13And we're going
44:14And I start
44:15I start laughing
44:16And as I laugh
44:17He hits me
44:19Because it's funny
44:20At the end of the day
44:21I'm fighting
44:22A bird
44:24And I'm not even
44:25Fighting a whole bird
44:27I'm fighting
44:27A neck
44:29And a head
44:30And I'm losing
44:31I'm losing
44:32To a neck and head
44:34So
44:37I finally get the car
44:38And drive
44:39Take off
44:40I ran over
44:41At least two baboons
44:42I heard them
44:44And I can't see
44:46From all the dust
44:47I'm just looking
44:48For the exit
44:49And I turn on
44:49The windshield wipers
44:50And I don't have any
44:56And I look
44:57In the rear view mirror
44:58And there's the baboons
44:59Next to the ostriches
45:01With my windshield wipers
45:08Sign of victory
45:09And I'm leaving there
45:11My head's all busted up
45:13I have nothing left
45:14In the car
45:15And the kids are like
45:17Oh dad
45:18We're really sorry
45:21And I said
45:22Don't
45:22You know what
45:23Don't be sorry
45:24Because for a can of Pepsi
45:25That was great entertainment
45:34Unbelievable
45:38Alright
45:40This is when I knew
45:41I was going to go
45:42Into stand-up comedy
45:45My first real job
45:47Was at a department store
45:49Called Sears
45:52And I worked in the paint department
45:56And I ruined a lot of homes
46:00You know
46:01People come in like
46:01Oh I'm thinking about
46:02Paint in my bedroom
46:04What shit
46:04Stained
46:10Young I don't care
46:11So
46:13But that's when I discovered
46:14I can do voices
46:15And I can do characters
46:16And I would call departments
46:18All day long
46:20And drive them nuts
46:22That's
46:22Before Senate Live
46:23And all that
46:24That's where the Pesci
46:25Really came from
46:25Me and my friend
46:26We saw a raging bull
46:28And easy money
46:29And I would call my friend
46:30In toy department
46:30On like cabbage patch day
46:32It was the 80's
46:33You know
46:34And he'd pick up the phone
46:35I'm like
46:35Oh this is Scott
46:36Toy department
46:37I'm very busy
46:38Can I put you on hold
46:39I'm like
46:39Listen
46:39This is Joe Pesci
46:41I'm coming in here
46:4120 minutes
46:42Don't put me on hold
46:43Kid
46:43There's only coming
46:44Right in here
46:45You put me on hold
46:45I'm gonna stick your head
46:46Up where the sun
46:47Don't shine
46:48You understand me
46:49You understand what I'm saying
46:53So I call
46:54I would call
46:55All these other departments
46:56And drive them nuts
46:57So this one day
46:58I'm in the hardware department
46:59Next department over
47:00And I'm reading about
47:02Muammar Gaddafi
47:03In the 80's
47:03He was huge
47:04Big big
47:05He was a rock star
47:06In the 80's
47:07He was the first one
47:08That was like
47:08I do not feel America
47:11You tell me
47:12I can no have fly
47:14No fly zone
47:15You send your military here
47:18I'll shoot you down
47:20I'll shoot you down
47:21It was intense
47:22So you know
47:23We were like
47:23Did he just say
47:24He's gonna shoot us down
47:26Let's go to the plane
47:26So we sent an air force there
47:28And he shot missiles
47:29At a US air force
47:32He missed
47:32Everyone he missed
47:34And then we bombed his tent
47:38I'm not even trying to be funny
47:39It was a tent
47:40And that's what we bombed
47:41And we missed him
47:42So the point is
47:44It was pretty intense
47:45Back then
47:46With Muammar Gaddafi
47:48Everyone knew he was
47:49So with that said
47:50I'm reading the paper
47:52And a new guy
47:53From hardware comes
47:54He goes
47:54Excuse me
47:56You work here?
47:57I said
47:57Yeah I'm Jim
47:58I work in the paint department
47:59Next department over
48:00I was just reading about
48:02All this crazy stuff
48:03Like I might go to war
48:04And stuff
48:04Muammar Gaddafi
48:06I go
48:07Listen if you need anything
48:07Let me know
48:08Everyone knows me here
48:09He goes
48:09You know what I need?
48:11I need you
48:11Not to be reading a paper
48:13In the hardware department
48:14That's a reflection on me
48:16You know
48:16You're young
48:17All you guys are young
48:18And you don't realize
48:19That some people
48:20You need to respect
48:22The job you work at
48:23I know everything
48:23About the craftsman tools
48:25I know everything
48:26About the different size
48:27Of the hammers
48:27And I'm here to help people
48:29You understand?
48:30That's what you're really
48:31Getting paid to do
48:32To help people
48:32So if you work in paint
48:34You know what you can do
48:35For me?
48:35Please go back to paint
48:38Wow
48:43You're serious, huh?
48:46You know this is Sears, right?
48:51He goes, yeah
48:52And they give you a salary
48:53And you should respect that
48:55You're right
48:55So I'm
48:56I'm hot-headed
48:58And I go to paint department
49:00And my friends
49:00Like, what's
49:01Big, big doofy kids
49:02Like, what's the matter?
49:03I said, the new guy
49:05Kicked me out
49:06He said, he knows everything
49:07About craftsman tools
49:08And I shouldn't be
49:09Reading the paper
49:10And the hammer
49:10So blah, blah, blah
49:13He goes, give him a call
49:14He doesn't know
49:15You're the call guy
49:16He doesn't know
49:17You're a clown
49:18Give him a call
49:19I said, I'm going to call him
49:21I said, what?
49:23I said, what were you doing?
49:24I said, I was reading a paper
49:25About Muammar Gaddafi
49:27He goes, call us
49:28Muammar Gaddafi
49:32I said, that's so stupid
49:34But we'll do it anyway
49:38My hand to God
49:39I'm not even going to exaggerate
49:41I'm not even going to exaggerate this
49:43He's about 50 feet from me
49:4650 feet
49:48Not yards, feet
49:49I can see him
49:51I hear the phone ringing
49:52I'm not even hiding
49:53Completely behind the register
49:55My head's sticking out
49:57And this guy's in full view
49:58Going, here he comes
49:59He's answering
50:00So the guy picks up the phone
50:02And he goes
50:03Hello, this is Greg
50:04Sears Hardware
50:05Valley Stream, New York
50:06How may I help you?
50:08Hand to God
50:08I go
50:09Hello
50:11This is the great
50:12Muammar Gaddafi
50:17He's listening
50:18He's listening
50:19I have just sent six of my Libyan missiles
50:23To blow up the Sears Hardware
50:26Department
50:35You have 20 minutes to evacuate all of the craftsman pools
50:43And all of the hammers and the people of the hardware
50:46And all of the hammers and the people of the hardware
50:51As long as I am the great Muammar Gaddafi
50:54You remember this, my hardware friend
50:57Long live paint
51:12So
51:14Yeah, that's not the funny part
51:18So my friend and I
51:19Went into the break room
51:21Which was attached to the paint department
51:23You leave, you go in the stock room
51:25And it leads to the break room
51:26And that's where we would take tag team one hour breaks into the mall
51:31He'd leave for an hour
51:32Come back
51:33I'd leave for an hour
51:34Come back
51:35An hour, an hour
51:36Four hour shifts
51:37We get paid for
51:38And we work two
51:4120 minutes go by
51:42And I realize
51:43Let me get into paint
51:44Nobody's there
51:45I get there
51:46And I call a guy from hardware
51:48To let him know
51:49It was me
51:50I was just breaking you in
51:51My apologies
51:53Let's
51:54Let's
51:55Let's just make amends
51:56He doesn't answer the phone
51:59So now I decide
52:00Oh
52:01I'm going to snitch on him
52:02Because you have to answer the phone
52:03I tell my supervisor
52:04So I call my supervisor
52:06And he doesn't answer
52:08So then I call my friend from toy department
52:12And he doesn't answer
52:13And that's when I realize
52:16Nobody's in the store
52:17And I'm not comprehending what's really going on
52:26I'm really confused
52:27Like why is nobody in Sears right now
52:31There's no customers
52:33There's no sales clerk
52:36What is going on?
52:37I don't know
52:38And I'm standing there
52:39And all of a sudden
52:39Someone comes from the stock room
52:41Brewer
52:42Let's go
52:42What are you doing?
52:43We got one more
52:44Come on
52:45Come on
52:45Right now
52:45Now
52:46I saw the panic in his eyes
52:48And I didn't ask questions
52:49I thought there was a fire
52:50So I said
52:50Okay
52:51Let's go
52:51Let's go
52:53We're running
52:53And we're out of there
52:54And while we're running
52:56Through the stock room
52:57I go
52:57I don't smell a fire
52:59Where's the fire?
53:00And he goes
53:00There's no fire
53:01The new guy in hardware
53:03Got a ball threat
53:05We're gonna blow up
53:07In five minutes
53:26I did what you did
53:27I laughed hard
53:30I said
53:31That wasn't a bomb threat
53:32That was me
53:36I said
53:37I was
53:37Oh my
53:38Are you kidding me?
53:40That guy took that
53:41As a bomb threat?
53:43That's what
53:43Are you
53:44I
53:45Seriously?
53:46Listen
53:47I said
53:48I was
53:49Muammah Gaddafi
53:50And I sent missiles
53:52To hit Sears
53:53Hardware
53:57I ended by saying
53:58Long live paint
54:01How do you get a bomb threat
54:03Out of that?
54:04Are you kidding me?
54:06That's why all of Sears
54:07Is evacuated
54:08Yeah
54:09And the mall
54:10And the mall?
54:14He goes
54:15You gotta go downstairs man
54:16You're in bad trouble
54:17I said
54:18I'm not in bad trouble
54:19This is hilarious
54:20I'm sorry
54:21But that guy from hardware
54:22I don't know who he is
54:23But he's a suspect
54:24There's something wrong with him
54:25He's a suspect
54:26He goes
54:27There's a lot of cops downstairs
54:29Brewer
54:29You're in bad trouble
54:31I said
54:31There's cops?
54:32Let's go talk to them
54:33They're gonna love this story
54:37So I go downstairs
54:39And there's a lot
54:41Of police officers
54:43And I swear to you
54:46The higher the rank
54:47The harder they laughed
54:51I worked all the way
54:53After the sergeant
54:54They're like
54:54Hold on
54:54Hold on
54:55Bring the serge through
54:56Sarge
54:57Come here
54:57You gotta do the
54:59Hello man
54:59You gotta do that
55:00You gotta do that
55:02Brewer
55:03Wait till you hear
55:04This kid
55:05It's hilarious
55:05So the sergeant's howling
55:07He's like
55:08You should become a comedian
55:09I'll tell you what
55:10That guy is too much
55:11The problem is
55:13I think you're funny
55:14But the feds are here
55:16So
55:18Good luck
55:19It's out of our jurisdiction
55:21If I was you
55:22Start off with
55:23Hello man
55:24Hello man
55:28So the feds walk in
55:30Three feds walk in
55:31And they're
55:32They're a tougher audience
55:34I don't know
55:35What the big joke is
55:36Around here
55:36I don't know
55:37What everyone thinks
55:37Is so funny
55:38Okay
55:39You know
55:39I had to fly in
55:40From JFK International Airport
55:41I had to
55:43Warn
55:44Secretary of Defense
55:45Of the situation
55:47You think this is funny kid
55:49You think this is a big joke
55:50Let me explain something to you
55:52You don't get to call a lawyer
55:53And you don't get to
55:55Notify your parents
55:56As far as anyone knows
55:58I'm the US government
55:59I'm detaining you
56:00And you're missing
56:01Do you understand
56:03The situation
56:04You are in right now
56:06No
56:10I'm glad you're confident
56:11You got two minutes
56:12To tell me your story
56:14And you gotta look
56:14My marshals in the eyes
56:16While you tell this story
56:17So
56:18Whatever the test was
56:19I had to stop
56:20And look at each one of them
56:22In the eye
56:23So I'm like
56:24Okay
56:25I'm in paint
56:32You know
56:33And I call the guy
56:34Hello man
56:42As long as I am
56:44Muammar Gaddafi
56:44Long live paint
56:48And that's why we're here
56:54Marshall was serious
56:56For about 10 seconds
56:57And he goes
57:01Let him go
57:02I'll do the paperwork
57:03Give me the guy from Hardware
57:05He's a suspect
57:06Thank you
57:07God bless you
57:08Thank you
57:11Thanks so much
57:14Thanks for coming out
57:16All the best to you
57:17All the best to you
57:17Thanks so much
57:21No one's better than you guys
57:23Thank you
57:25Have a good one
57:26Be safe
57:27And thank you so much
57:35Good night guys
57:36Thank you
57:36Thank you
57:38Thank you
57:56Thank you
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