Ferguson returns to the spotlight and despite life's setbacks - his recent bout with an unknown calcified infection that plagued his eyeball, a nasty UTI, long covid, his fear of millennials, and having to tiptoe his comedy around foreign accents and his wife - Craig Ferguson is still so happy.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #craigferguson #craigfergusoncomedy #craigfergusonstandup #craigfergusonstandupcomedy
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #craigferguson #craigfergusoncomedy #craigfergusonstandup #craigfergusonstandupcomedy
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FunTranscript
00:05Oh! I'm so happy to be here. I am. I'm so happy to be in the greatest theater and the
00:14greatest city in the United States of America. That's right. That's right. I love this region
00:24with its many famous things. And how about that local team? Now, listen, I got to say that I got
00:40to start with a point of order, and it's important because I've noticed a lot of things going on in
00:45my shows recently, and I'm a little concerned about it. I've noticed a lot more young people
00:49coming to the show. Yeah, I know. I can see you out there with the hope in your eyes and
00:56collagen
00:57in your skin. I can see you. And I have to think to myself, what the hell are you doing
01:02here?
01:03I mean, I still got my regular crowd. I can smell the pee-pee and lavender. I know you're here.
01:09I know I still got my peeps. Hey, Craig! I know you're here.
01:15But the young people are here now, and I think you've been watching me on the tickety-talk,
01:20haven't you? Been watching on the tickety-talk. I know. Well, look, a word of warning. I may go on
01:25for longer than 45 seconds this evening. And I got to say this because of the young people,
01:32but the old people too. Everybody, I forbid you, and I mean forbid you, to tweet out anything I say
01:41tonight and during this show. Tweet out or any of your social media, but your Tweety, your Bingo,
01:46your Zippy, your Lamp Post, whatever the hell it is. I don't know. Instacart. Whatever you do.
01:53Instagram Grindr. Whatever one you're doing. MySpace for some of the owners.
02:02Just don't, all right? Don't. Because I'm going to say some things tonight that will not be true.
02:07And I want you to listen to this. They will not be true. They'll be lies. There'll be things that,
02:14you know, I'll be saying things that I don't, I don't agree with. I don't believe. It'll be the
02:18opposite of what I believe. But in the context of what we're doing this evening, that's called a joke.
02:25Because I know, I know some of you young people, you're struggling with that concept right now a
02:30little bit. We love you. We love you. I know. But don't. Because I don't want you to tweet out
02:40anything I say or put it on your Insta or anything. Don't do that because it'll be out of context.
02:44They won't know we're here in the greatest comedy theater in the entire world. It'll just go out and
02:52it'll be out of context. And those words will go out there and people will think,
02:55I believe those things and I'll have to defend them. And I, I can't be held accountable for what
03:00I say. What kind of an America is that, everybody? I know. Because, look, it's nothing against you.
03:18I'm just tired of apologizing. I'm tired of apologizing. A man in my line of work,
03:22when I was doing that late night show, when I was doing the late night, I had, no, wait.
03:33Thank you, everyone that can't afford Netflix. But listen, when I, when I was doing that late
03:39night show, when I was doing, I had to apologize every night. Every night I had to apologize for
03:44something. And I meant it then, obviously. In the sense that, you know, had I not apologized,
03:51I'd been fired. But we're not in that position this evening. I've already got your money.
03:58I once had to apologize to the entire country of Australia, the whole country. I'm not just
04:03talking about the people. I'm talking about the flora and fauna and the kangaroos and the
04:07wallabies and the witchetty grubs and the koala bears and all the other animals that keep a little
04:10spare animal down the front case to get a flat. I don't fucking know. But all these,
04:17I had to apologize to all of Australia, but they were very mad at me. All right,
04:20I'll tell you what happened. What happened was, there was an Australian actor on the show,
04:25a friend of mine, a gentleman by the name of Guy Pearce. Do you know Guy Pearce? Guy,
04:28he's a great actor, Australian. So Guy Pearce was on the show and we were just dicking around,
04:32guys being dudes. And he was going, oh, Scotland's rubbish, mate. And I was like,
04:36oh, Australia's rubbish, mate. And ha, ha, ha. And then, then I, apparently I crossed a line.
04:45I said that Canberra, the capital city of Australia, was a festering shithole.
04:55I know. I know I shouldn't have said that. I don't know. I've never been to Canberra.
04:59I should have said it is allegedly a festering shithole.
05:11We can probably cut that bit out. But what I'm saying is,
05:18what I'm saying is, you know, you've got to, you've got to just, the rules of comedy,
05:22you know, they are what they are, I guess. They are what they've always been, really.
05:27I think the rules of comedy are, you know, what they've always been, which is, you know,
05:31be funny, don't be a dick. That's it. Now, I use the term dick there in its non-gender usage.
05:46I mean no disrespect to my, my actual dick, who is, uh, who's a beautiful one-eyed dude who
05:55suffers from occasional stiffness.
06:01Actually, the older I get, that seems to be clearing up a little bit.
06:05When I was young, I was all lithe and supple, and my dick was stiff all the time.
06:09Now I'm stiff all the time, and my dick's all lithe and supple all the time.
06:16I feel getting so old. I now make the same noises for sitting down as I used to make for
06:21sex.
06:23Like, oh, that is nice. Oh. Oh, I love the feeling of the crushed velvet against my taint.
06:32Oh, that is lovely. Oh. I'm hungry.
06:50Anyway, look, what I'm saying is, the rules of comedy are what they always were. You know,
06:54it's just be funny and don't be a dick. And I think the only people that complain about
06:57you can't say what you used to say are old comedians. Just old white comedians. Or just
07:03old comedians. You can't say what you used to say. But here's, here's what I think. I think
07:07when old comedians are saying that, you can't say what you used to say because of the woke
07:11generation. I think what they're really saying is, I'm afraid of young people.
07:18And I get it. I'm afraid of young people, too. Move too quickly, get very strong opinions
07:22about things. I didn't move quickly and have strong opinions when I was young. I said I
07:27had strong drugs when I was young.
07:30It's very difficult to get a nuanced argument about pronouns when you're zapped off your tits
07:35on Pakistani black hashish.
07:44What's your position on the pronoun argument, Craig?
07:47Yeah.
07:55But we've got to knock it off. That's what I'm saying. And I'm glad just to make sure old
07:58people and young people come to my shows now. I'm glad because it gives us a chance to knock
08:02this on the head. Old people and young people, we've got to knock this off. We've got to stop
08:05fighting each other. This is crazy. We've got to get along. We all share the same space.
08:08And being old, it's not so different to being young. I swear, it's not so different. You
08:11just itch a lot more, don't you? Isn't it just itchy? It's not like being young except you're
08:16really itchy all the time. You're like, oh my God, nobody tells you. By the way, cortisone
08:20is the wonder cream. Just get it. It's amazing. You're like, I'm itchy. I'm itchy. I'm itchy.
08:25Pfft. Oh.
08:29I think I just gave away where I get itchy.
08:34Probably cut that out. Anyway, look at it.
08:39But the old people, you know, if you're old, you just itch a little more. And if you're young,
08:42there's a byproduct of being young. It's not your fault. It's not your fault if you're young.
08:46There's just a side effect to being young, which is you're stupid. I know you think you're
08:53not, but you are. You're so stupid. You don't even know you're stupid. But the thing is,
09:00you know, oh God, I'm so itchy. But here's the thing. If you're older now, think back older
09:10people. If you're older now, that means you were young in the 60s or 70s or 80s or 90s.
09:16Oh, what? No, Craig. Yeah, 90s as well. No, Craig. Who bestank? No, no, no bestank.
09:23No, Craig. Hootie and the blowfish. No. Hootie and the no fish. They're all dead. They all died.
09:33They were all found floating at the top of the pool.
09:40They're fine. That's stupid. So what I'm saying is if you're old now, that means you were young
09:46in the 60s, 70s, 80s or 90s, you know, which means back then, you know, not only were you stupid,
09:53you were also, and I don't know about you personally, but statistically, if you were young
09:57then, you were promiscuous. But what happened is the sexy generation, they had a lot of sex
10:09and they had babies. The babies grew up to be the Gen Z and the millennial generation. And they did
10:16what the next generation does. They rebelled against the attitudes and the morals of the generation that
10:20came before and it swung the other way. And sex became bad and dirty and naughty and creepy again.
10:34Because I'm a Scottish Protestant. We're not comfortable with sex the way you guys do it,
10:38with the touching and kissing and being in the same room and all that.
10:44We don't. Scottish Protestants, we have sex by mail. That's how we do it. We have sex
10:50sex by mail. Dear Margaret, I hope this letter finds you well. Oh, you like that, don't you, Margaret?
11:25Anyway, Margaret, as your husband, I have decided it is time we had a baby.
11:31So please find and close in this envelope an example of my jizz.
11:39Too much? Jizz is too much?
11:43An example of my man gravy.
11:46Man gravy?
11:49Scrotum custard.
11:54Egg drop soup. I don't know.
11:58Please insert it into your lady parts and all being well, I'll see you at the christening.
12:03Best wishes, your husband, Adolf.
12:05That's how we do it.
12:09Don't do that.
12:12Anyway, look, here's the thing, though.
12:14I have to say, my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters, as much as I love you,
12:18here's, I've got some news for you.
12:19If you're in your 30s, early 30s, mid-30s, late 20s maybe, you're in that wheelhouse and
12:26probably starting to have kids of your own now.
12:28Those little tykes you left tied to the furniture and the double-wide to be here tonight.
12:33I know.
12:35I know where I am.
12:44It's specifically for the reasonably priced seats up there.
12:50But here's what I'm thinking.
12:54Here's what I'm saying, though.
12:55Here's what I'm saying, my Gen Z millennial brothers and sisters.
12:58If you're a young parent right now, you've got little kids, those little tykes,
13:00they're not going to stay little tykes forever.
13:02They're not going to stay adorable little tots forever.
13:04They're going to grow up.
13:05That's the way it works.
13:06They're going to grow up.
13:07And the pendulum's going to swing the other way.
13:10And they're going to rebel against your attitudes.
13:14They are coming.
13:18And they will make Caligula's Rome look like Mr. Rogers' neighborhood.
13:24They are coming!
13:29If I was a young parent right now, I'd start saving up for bail and rehab,
13:33because you're going to need it.
13:34And to be honest, my millennial and Gen Z brothers and sisters,
13:37you kind of deserve it, you smug, self-righteous asshats.
13:40Now, wait.
13:41Now, wait.
13:44I know what you're thinking.
13:45Oh, come on, Craig.
13:46Old comedian railing against young people.
13:48Well, I have to speak my truth, don't I?
13:54Speak your truth.
13:55What is your truth?
13:56Well, if you believe something to be true, that's your truth.
13:58So the truth is subjective?
13:59In a way, yes.
14:02I really wish I'd known that in a court case in Glasgow in 1987.
14:09Speak your truth.
14:12Do you know where I first heard that, actually, was from Harry and Meghan.
14:16Speak your truth.
14:18Don't get surly with me.
14:20They're your problem now.
14:25I like when one of them said, I can't remember which one it was,
14:28the one that complains the most.
14:29Oh.
14:32But one of them said, we have some news.
14:35I'm like, what?
14:36They said, someone in the royal family is a racist.
14:40I was like, yeah?
14:45It's nothing to do with them being royal.
14:47They're a family.
14:50If you don't know who the racist is in your family,
14:53it's because it's you.
14:56It's part of family life.
15:01You ever been at a wedding?
15:02Grandpa would like to say a few words.
15:04No, he will not say a few words.
15:07Anyway, I like the young people annoying me.
15:09It means that we're still moving forward.
15:10We're still developing as a society.
15:12You know, I'm all there young, but...
15:14Because for a while there, I thought we were all just turning into robots.
15:17They're not cool robots like, you know,
15:19Jeff Peterson and the old late night show.
15:21I know.
15:27Everybody loves Jeff.
15:28I know.
15:29I love Jeff, too.
15:30People still say to me, Craig, where's Jeff?
15:33And I always say the same thing.
15:34Fucking your mom.
15:35But I don't...
15:41We'll cut that out.
15:42We'll cut that out.
15:43But I don't say that.
15:45I think it, but I don't say it.
15:47No, I'm talking about the AI in our phones
15:51that was making us think like robots,
15:53these invisible robots that they put inside our phones
15:55to make us think like in ones and zeros.
15:57You know, that's what AI stands for.
16:00Our invisible, our invisible robots that they...
16:03And they were put in there by Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg.
16:07One of the two.
16:07I don't know who it was, but it was one of them.
16:14Do you know that Elon Musk has 28 children?
16:25I believe he has 28 children, therefore it's true.
16:31I'll tell you about Elon Musk.
16:32Do you guys remember a show called Teletubbies?
16:35Do you remember Teletubbies?
16:36I loved Teletubbies.
16:38I used to watch it with my boys when they were very little.
16:40I used to watch Teletubbies, and I loved that show.
16:43You know, every time I watched that, I thought,
16:44man, I wish I still took hashish.
16:45I feel that it was...
16:47It would be a real kind of duck a l'orange.
16:51But I loved it.
16:52I particularly loved Tinky Winky.
16:55How dare you shut up about La La Dipsy
16:57and Poe, you asshole!
17:03Tinky Winky was the best one.
17:04With a big thing on his head,
17:07and a handbag,
17:09and a purse,
17:10and an alcohol problem, I think, really, Tinky Winky.
17:14Tinky Winky has a rid of Tinky.
17:17Uh-oh.
17:18Uh-oh.
17:20Uh-oh.
17:27Do you remember in that show,
17:29the little baby that used to come up when the sun came up?
17:32The little sun baby that used to go,
17:33eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
17:35The sun baby?
17:36That baby was Elon Musk.
17:45I believe it was.
17:48I don't think it was Mark Zuckerberg,
17:49because he's not...
17:50You wouldn't have him as your...
17:53He's not an attractive man.
17:58He's not...
17:59Well, I have to...
17:59Look, I'm not judging,
18:00but there is a thing
18:02that he brings out in me that I don't like.
18:03It's not his fault,
18:04but he brings out something in me
18:05that I don't like about myself.
18:06I've never felt this emotion in my life,
18:08never even in junior high school,
18:10but every time I see
18:11even a photograph of Mark Zuckerberg,
18:13Zuckerberg,
18:15even just a photograph of him,
18:16all I want to do
18:17is just give him a purple knurple.
18:18Now, what is that?
18:24Anyway, what I'm saying is
18:25we have to stop thinking like robots.
18:28I've thought of a way of saving Earth
18:30from robot thinking.
18:31I used to have friends.
18:32I've still got them, actually.
18:33Friends, good friends,
18:34and I didn't agree with them at all.
18:36I didn't agree with them at all.
18:37I didn't like...
18:38I don't even like them.
18:39They'll get guys that come around.
18:40My wife still says to me,
18:42why is this guy coming around for dinner?
18:43You hate this guy.
18:44I'm like, I know,
18:45but he's my friend.
18:48That's how it works.
18:50But now it's like, you know,
18:51you have to think like a robot.
18:52Agree with me or you're wrong.
18:54You think the way I think
18:55or you're cancelled.
18:59So we have to stop thinking like robots
19:01and we all have to think more
19:03like my Auntie Betty
19:06who lives right here
19:09in this city.
19:16All right, all right.
19:17She doesn't.
19:19I believe she does.
19:22No, my Auntie Betty
19:24is a very emotionally well person.
19:26She's a very emotionally developed,
19:28very emotionally intelligent human being.
19:30If she disagrees with something you say,
19:33if she thinks you're talking shit,
19:35she doesn't try and cancel you.
19:36Here's how you know you're talking shit
19:38around my Auntie Betty.
19:39You say whatever crap you say
19:41and then if she thinks you're talking crap,
19:43she'll do this.
19:44She'll say,
19:45oh, is that right?
19:49Well, sure, it's what I know.
19:53Then you know you're talking shit.
19:55Now, I'm very fond of my Auntie Betty.
19:57I'm very close with her still.
19:58She's not that much older than me.
20:00She's about 16 years older than me.
20:02And when I was born,
20:03my mom was very sick.
20:04She's my mom's youngest sister.
20:05So she looked after me when I was a baby.
20:07You know, she looked after me
20:09when I was very young.
20:09It was the 1960s
20:10and she was the first person,
20:12actually,
20:13that put the idea of a place
20:14called America in my head
20:16because she loved American rock and roll.
20:19Loved it.
20:19Her favorite was Little Richard.
20:21And I know.
20:23She used to sing Tootie Fruity to me
20:26as a lullaby.
20:27And I was like,
20:28Tootie Fruity,
20:30Oh, La Rootie.
20:32Go to sleep,
20:34you little bastard.
20:41Years later,
20:42when Little Richard was on my late night show,
20:44I was surprised he didn't have a Scottish accent.
20:50And he was surprised when I fell asleep
20:51during Tootie Fruity.
20:54That's stupid.
20:55That's stupid.
20:56You can't fall asleep during Tootie Fruity.
20:58Tootie Fruity, I'm awake, I'm awake!
21:00Anyway,
21:03about 18 months ago,
21:05I was talking to my Auntie Betty.
21:07I was in Scotland.
21:09I was talking to my Auntie Betty
21:10and some offers were coming in
21:11to go on the road
21:13and start doing stand-up again
21:14around these great United States.
21:17She said,
21:18Are you going out?
21:18Are you going out to do a stand-up tour?
21:19I said,
21:20You know what?
21:20I don't think I will, Auntie Betty.
21:22She was like,
21:23Why, Craig?
21:23Why?
21:24It's always been your dream
21:25to appear in this city.
21:26I said,
21:28She said,
21:29You love doing stand-up.
21:30Why wouldn't you go out?
21:31I said,
21:31To be honest, Auntie Betty,
21:32it's the young people.
21:33It's the young people.
21:34I feel like they're waiting
21:35on the balls of their feet,
21:36waiting just for you
21:37to say something wrong,
21:38anything wrong,
21:39and then they're boom,
21:40boom, and you're cancelled.
21:41That's it.
21:42It's over.
21:42You're done.
21:43And not only are you done now,
21:44anything you ever did is done.
21:45You're over.
21:46You never existed.
21:48They're terrible.
21:50And she said,
21:51Oh, no,
21:51I don't see it that way
21:52at all with the young people.
21:54I said,
21:54What?
21:55She said,
21:55No, Craig,
21:56the young people today,
21:57I see it more like,
21:58Do you remember that old
21:59David Bowie song
22:00in the 1970s
22:02when he sang
22:02Ch-ch-ch-changes?
22:09And I was like,
22:10No,
22:11no, Auntie Betty,
22:12no, not ch-ch-changes.
22:13They're fascists.
22:15That's what they are.
22:19They're just,
22:20they're little kind of,
22:21ah, they're pitchforks,
22:23and they're terrifying.
22:24They're nasty little Nazis.
22:27And then it went quiet,
22:28and then she said it.
22:30Oh, is that right?
22:37So, I know.
22:41That's when I knew
22:42I was talking shit.
22:44So, I had to rethink
22:45my whole world view
22:46about the young people.
22:47I had to alter
22:48my entire
22:50Weltanschauung.
22:54You're welcome,
22:55one German academic.
23:00Finally,
23:01a joke for me.
23:02Oh, is that scary?
23:08I was hoping
23:09to maybe
23:09would be one,
23:10at least one German joke,
23:12and here we are.
23:16All right, stupid.
23:17Stop it.
23:18German people
23:19don't walk like that.
23:21At the moment.
23:26Although, I got a sense
23:27some people are stretching
23:28and getting ready, though.
23:31Anyway, the word
23:32Weltanschauung
23:33is a German word.
23:34It means world view,
23:35and I had to change
23:36my entire world view
23:38about the young people,
23:39so I did.
23:40And here's what I think
23:40about the young people now.
23:41Here's the truth of it.
23:43You're right.
23:44It's your turn.
23:45It's not my turn.
23:47You're the youth.
23:48I'm old.
23:49I had my shot at it.
23:50If you guys want to
23:51take over and change
23:52the way the world works,
23:53how society works,
23:54how gender works,
23:55how music works,
23:56how politics works,
23:57how everything works,
23:58if you want to change it all,
23:59do it.
24:00You're right.
24:00It's your turn.
24:01I love you.
24:02I love you,
24:03my Gen Z
24:03and millennial brothers
24:04and sisters,
24:05and I support you.
24:07However,
24:11if I accidentally
24:13cross over a line
24:14that you guys drew
24:1520 minutes ago,
24:17and it won't be accidental
24:19because I am listening.
24:20I won't be just going,
24:20oh, sorry,
24:21didn't hear you.
24:22Didn't hear you.
24:22Ah.
24:24If I accidentally
24:25cross over that line,
24:27or more likely,
24:28I crossed over that line
24:2820 years ago
24:29before you were born,
24:32then at that point,
24:34I also have to say
24:35with all the love
24:36in the world,
24:37go fuck yourself.
24:38There.
24:39That to me seems fair.
24:49I feel that's
24:50a decent compromise.
24:55I'm 61 years old.
24:57I'm not afraid
24:57of getting cancelled
24:58on social media.
25:00I'm afraid
25:00of getting cancelled
25:01by God.
25:07Craig,
25:07that tweet
25:07was inappropriate.
25:09Come on.
25:10Coming.
25:11No, wrong way.
25:12No.
25:15I think much more
25:16than I used to.
25:17Every time I go for a poop,
25:18I think,
25:18is this it?
25:21Right?
25:23I know.
25:24I'm like,
25:24oh, no,
25:25it's all right.
25:28Here's a word,
25:29by the way,
25:29a word of advice
25:30if you're getting
25:30a bit older.
25:31If you have
25:32the beet salad one day,
25:33write it down
25:33and remember
25:34for the next day.
25:44You can give yourself
25:45a nasty turn.
25:49I think about it
25:49more than I used to.
25:50I thought I was
25:51going to die
25:51when I had
25:52the COVIDs.
25:53Did you guys
25:54hear about that,
25:54the COVIDs?
25:56I mean,
25:57I know it never
25:58got here,
25:58but did you hear
25:59about it?
26:01You guys are like,
26:01yeah,
26:02just keep walking.
26:07It was bad.
26:08I don't know
26:09if you guys know
26:09it was bad.
26:11I've had the COVID
26:11twice.
26:12It was bad.
26:13All in the front row,
26:14you've all got it again.
26:20Actually,
26:21I had to get tested
26:21for this,
26:22so I'm fine.
26:23I do feel a bit
26:24monkey poxy,
26:25though.
26:25I don't know.
26:31Maybe I just need
26:32some cortisone
26:33and a banana.
26:34I don't know.
26:38I had the COVID
26:39twice.
26:40It's bad.
26:41I thought,
26:41I had it right
26:42at the beginning,
26:43right at the very beginning,
26:44like the very beginning.
26:45before masks
26:46or testing
26:47or anything.
26:47You know,
26:48when it was,
26:48you know,
26:49when it was still cool.
26:49I got it right then.
26:51Right at the very beginning.
26:52We didn't know
26:53what was happening.
26:53I got it right
26:54at the beginning
26:54when we thought
26:55you could get it
26:56from not having
26:56enough toilet paper
26:57in your house.
26:59That's when I got it.
27:02Quick,
27:02COVID's coming.
27:02Get toilet paper.
27:03Why?
27:04Well,
27:05you have to stuff
27:05in your ass.
27:06Why?
27:08Well,
27:08the COVID bat
27:09flies into your house
27:11and if it sees
27:11your ass is open,
27:12it flies up your ass
27:13and goes
27:14into your body.
27:16But,
27:17if it flies in
27:18and your ass
27:18is full of toilet paper,
27:19the bed will go,
27:20I'll go somewhere else
27:21and fly away.
27:27I got it right
27:28at the beginning
27:28when we thought
27:29you could get it
27:30from not washing
27:31your groceries correctly.
27:35That you buy your groceries
27:36and you take them home
27:37and you wipe them down
27:38with bleach.
27:43And then look at it
27:44for three days.
27:45That ham
27:46looked COVID-y to you.
27:47I don't know.
27:48I'm so hungry
27:49I could eat a COVID bat.
27:54It was bad.
27:54And it also,
27:55it wasn't just the COVID
27:56right at the beginning,
27:57especially at the beginning,
27:58it was the fear
27:59that was everywhere
28:00with the COVID
28:00because you didn't know
28:03what bonus feature
28:04you were going to get
28:04with the COVID.
28:07What are you going to get
28:07as your DVD extra?
28:12What are you going to get?
28:12You get COVID,
28:13what are you going to get?
28:13You're going to get long COVID,
28:14you're going to get
28:15the cardiovascular thing,
28:16you're going to get
28:16the beet salad,
28:17what are you going to get?
28:20And I'll be honest with you,
28:21the first time I got COVID,
28:23COVID was bad,
28:24but the bonus feature
28:25was much, much worse.
28:27The bonus feature I got
28:28the first time with COVID,
28:29much worse than the COVID.
28:30I got,
28:31as my bonus feature
28:33the first time around,
28:34a horrible,
28:35agonizing,
28:37debilitating
28:38UTI.
28:44that was a particularly
28:45female ooh,
28:47if you don't know
28:48how to say it so.
28:49Listen,
28:50I hear you,
28:51my sisters,
28:51I had no idea,
28:52I apologize.
28:55I'm here for you,
28:56ladies,
28:56I'm so sorry.
28:58I did not know,
28:59I had no idea.
29:01Cranberry juice,
29:02cranberry juice.
29:05Unbelievable.
29:06If you don't know
29:06what a UTI is,
29:07you're probably a dude.
29:09UTI stands for
29:10urinary tract infection.
29:13Oh really,
29:13Greg,
29:13I thought only ladies
29:14got a UTI.
29:16No!
29:16Anyone that's got a UTI
29:18can get an I.
29:24Greg,
29:24are you saying
29:25you didn't clean
29:25your vagina correctly?
29:27No,
29:27I did.
29:28I did clean it correctly,
29:29and anyway,
29:29that's not how you get it,
29:31you freaking asshole!
29:41I'm here,
29:42I'm here.
29:44I'm here,
29:44and I apologize,
29:45ladies,
29:46I apologize,
29:46I had no idea.
29:48It was bad.
29:49I mean,
29:49it was so bad,
29:50I was sweating
29:51and horrible
29:52with the COVID,
29:53and my penis was on fire.
29:55I was like,
29:56oh,
29:56it was like the 1980s
29:57all over again.
30:00I swear to God,
30:01the only relief
30:02I could get,
30:03I swear,
30:04was putting my penis
30:05in a glass of cold water.
30:07It's like,
30:07oh,
30:08oh,
30:08oh,
30:09oh,
30:09oh.
30:10I could never
30:11go back to that,
30:12Denny's.
30:21Just the pancakes,
30:22please,
30:22just the pancakes.
30:28It was really bad,
30:29and I was in Scotland
30:31when I got it.
30:32I was in Scotland,
30:33so I couldn't even see
30:34my regular doctor.
30:35Don't get me wrong,
30:36I love Scotland,
30:37but my doctor's in America.
30:45I apologize
30:45if I've offended
30:46any Scottish doctors
30:47who are here this evening.
30:49I know there's
30:50no Scottish doctors here,
30:51nobody's smoking.
30:58But I was in Scotland,
30:59I don't have a doctor there.
31:00I started phoning around
31:01trying to find a doctor.
31:02I was phoning different offices,
31:03couldn't get anyone.
31:04Eventually,
31:04I talked to a woman
31:05on the phone,
31:06and she said
31:07she was a doctor's receptionist,
31:08but looking back on it now,
31:10I realize
31:10she's probably a witch.
31:14You shall not talk
31:15to the doctor
31:16until you answer
31:17my questions three.
31:22Did you wash your groceries?
31:24Did you stuff toilet paper
31:25in your ass?
31:25It was all of that.
31:28She kept questioning,
31:29and eventually,
31:30I said,
31:30look, look,
31:31you've got to listen to me,
31:31I'm in bad shape here.
31:32I said this,
31:33this is true,
31:33I said,
31:34look,
31:34it's not just the COVID,
31:35I've also got
31:36a very inflamed penis.
31:39And I swear,
31:39this is what she said,
31:40she went,
31:41any more of that talk
31:41and I'm hanging up.
31:51But I managed to persuade her
31:53I was sick.
31:54So,
31:55she said,
31:55all right,
31:56you sound like you're quite sick,
31:57the doctor will see you
31:58first thing Monday morning.
31:59This was Friday night.
32:00I said,
32:01it's Friday night,
32:01I could be dead
32:02by Monday morning.
32:03She said,
32:04well,
32:04you should have washed
32:04your groceries
32:05and hung up.
32:07The whole weekend,
32:08I was in this flat
32:08in Glasgow
32:09in his apartment
32:09in Glasgow,
32:10and I was sweating
32:11and dying.
32:11I was like,
32:12oh my God.
32:13And about four o'clock
32:13in the morning
32:14on the Saturday,
32:15I swear this is true,
32:16I was standing
32:16in the bathroom naked,
32:18naked,
32:18with my penis
32:19and a glass of cold water
32:20and my penis
32:21was very distressed.
32:23It was like,
32:23I was like,
32:26quiet,
32:27snorky,
32:27it's all right,
32:28boy.
32:32That's right,
32:33snorky.
32:38I said,
32:39quiet snorky,
32:40quiet,
32:40it's all right,
32:41boy.
32:41I was really bad,
32:42but here's the thing,
32:43I swear this is true,
32:44I was sweating,
32:45I was like delirious
32:46with a fever,
32:47a fever wouldn't go away
32:48and I was standing
32:48with my penis
32:49in a glass of cold water
32:50and I started to kind
32:51of hallucinate
32:52in this odd way
32:53and I heard a voice,
32:54it wasn't really a voice,
32:55it was my voice
32:56and it said a thing
32:57and I went,
32:57wow,
32:57you're a very sick man,
32:58Craig Ferguson,
32:59because it came
33:00into my head,
33:01this voice
33:01and I swear
33:01this is what it said,
33:02it went,
33:03if I live through this,
33:05I'm going to put it
33:06in the act.
33:20Turning adversary
33:21into gold.
33:23So,
33:24I went to see
33:24the doctor
33:25first thing
33:26Monday morning
33:27and it was a bit tricky
33:27because the doctor
33:29who was a Scottish
33:29Protestant lady doctor
33:31and I'm a Scottish
33:32Protestant man patient
33:33so things are
33:33a little tense anyway
33:34and she said,
33:36you know,
33:36I talked to her
33:37about the COVID
33:38and I said,
33:38I've got COVID
33:39and she went,
33:39okay,
33:40and then she could tell
33:41there was something
33:41else wrong
33:42and she said,
33:43what is it?
33:44I said,
33:45it's my penis doctor
33:47and I swear she did this,
33:48she went,
33:49oh great.
33:54She went,
33:54all right,
33:55we better have a look at it
33:56so I got up on the table
33:57and I took down my pants
33:58and I swear she did this,
33:59and she went,
33:59oh,
34:00that is very unpleasant.
34:09Ten points
34:10off Slytherin.
34:18She got a little
34:19tongue depressor thing
34:20and she moved it.
34:22She moved it
34:23and she went,
34:24oh,
34:24it looks like a snail
34:25with leprosy.
34:35I said,
34:35am I going to die?
34:36She said,
34:37no,
34:37you're not going to die,
34:38it's a UTI,
34:39you big baby,
34:39I'll give you some
34:40antibiotics
34:41and it'll clear right up.
34:42I said,
34:43what about the COVID,
34:43am I going to die from that?
34:44She said,
34:45I don't know.
34:50That obviously is fine.
34:52I'm sorry to the young people
34:53for talking about my onuses,
34:54sorry everybody,
34:56you know,
34:56but I've reached that age.
34:59When I was young,
34:59my stories were great.
35:00It was like,
35:01yeah,
35:01we took some Patagonian acid,
35:03we stole the space shuttle
35:04and drove it to Hooters.
35:10Now my stories were just,
35:11well,
35:12it turns out
35:13I had an infection
35:14in my pee-pee hole.
35:22Looked like a snail
35:23with leprosy.
35:37Nobody tells you that
35:38about getting older either,
35:39your mouth just falls open
35:40all the time,
35:40you don't even know.
35:42I caught myself
35:43at a stoplight the other day,
35:45just...
35:50Anyway,
35:51sorry about talking
35:51about my illnesses,
35:52I won't do it again.
35:54The second time
35:55I got COVID,
35:57the second time
35:58I got COVID,
35:59the bonus feature
36:00was very strange indeed.
36:01It wasn't anything
36:02to do with my pee-pee,
36:03thank goodness.
36:03It was,
36:04it was,
36:05I got something
36:06as my bonus feature,
36:06something called,
36:07and maybe medical professionals
36:08may know it,
36:09a chalazian.
36:11Do you know what that is?
36:12No,
36:13I didn't know either.
36:14I thought it sounded adorable.
36:18A chalazian?
36:19Well,
36:19that's lovely.
36:20It sounds like
36:21a leprechaun's
36:22walking stick.
36:23or something.
36:25Oh,
36:25touch me chalazian
36:26and I'll give ye's
36:28a port of gold.
36:30This is how leprechauns
36:31walk apparently.
36:33I'm sorry for walking
36:34like this,
36:34I've got a UTI.
36:40Anyway,
36:41a chalazian
36:41is a horrible,
36:42very unpleasant
36:43eye infection.
36:44And it looks like a stye,
36:47but it's not a stye,
36:48it's very different.
36:48And I was like,
36:49oh,
36:49and I was in Scotland
36:50again when I got COVID
36:51again.
36:55Just saying.
36:56And I had to go
36:57and see the same doctor
36:58that I'd looked at my pee-pee
36:59at the previous thing.
37:01And I went in
37:01and she looked in my eye
37:03and she went,
37:03it was bad,
37:04it was all swollen.
37:04And she went,
37:05oh,
37:06what's that?
37:08I went,
37:10I don't know.
37:12Hence my visit
37:13to you,
37:14doctor.
37:16She went,
37:17it looks like a stye.
37:18I went,
37:19yeah,
37:19I thought it might be that.
37:21She went,
37:21hmm,
37:21okay.
37:22She said,
37:22I better have another look
37:23at your penis
37:23just in case.
37:27I said,
37:27no,
37:28no,
37:28forget it.
37:28You had your chance,
37:29doctor.
37:33I said,
37:34that's the stupidest thing
37:36I've said so far.
37:38You've had your chance.
37:40All right,
37:41shut up.
37:41Anyway,
37:43she said,
37:43it looks like a stye.
37:44I went,
37:45okay.
37:45She went,
37:45okay,
37:46it's a bad one though.
37:47I said,
37:47I know.
37:48She said,
37:48okay,
37:48I'll give you a course
37:49of antibiotics.
37:50I'll take care of it.
37:51I went,
37:51okay.
37:52So I started taking
37:53this course of antibiotics
37:55and I leave Scotland
37:56and I come back to America
37:57and I go to Los Angeles
37:58and my eye's not getting better.
38:00It's getting worse.
38:01It's getting worse and worse
38:02so I go and see my American doctor
38:04and I walked in
38:05and at this point
38:05my eye's like a baboon's anus
38:07on my face.
38:07I like,
38:08I walk in
38:08and he looks at it
38:09and he goes,
38:10oh,
38:10wow,
38:10what's that?
38:14I don't know.
38:17He went,
38:18yeah,
38:19looks like a stye.
38:22I went,
38:22yeah,
38:23I know,
38:23that's what we thought.
38:24He went,
38:24okay,
38:25I'm going to give you
38:25a course of antibiotics.
38:27I said,
38:28I took antibiotics in Scotland
38:29and they didn't work.
38:30He went,
38:31mm-hmm,
38:32I'm going to give you some
38:33American antibiotics.
38:38American antibiotics
38:40will kill your motherfucking eye.
38:44American antibiotics
38:47will take away that stye.
38:50American antibiotics
38:53when you are feeling rough.
38:56American antibiotics
38:59built
39:00Ford
39:01Ted.
39:05Oh, yeah.
39:06Oh, yeah.
39:07Oh, yeah.
39:10Give me some of those
39:11American antibiotics.
39:12He went,
39:12okay,
39:13and he ordered them
39:13and the American antibiotics
39:15arrived in a monster truck.
39:17They came in a monster truck
39:18and it was being driven
39:19and it was being driven
39:19by Chuck Norris.
39:21And Chuck Norris
39:22jumped out
39:23of the monster truck
39:23and he landed in front of me
39:24and he opened his pants
39:25and a bald eagle
39:26flew out of his pants
39:29and circled my head
39:30and dropped the American antibiotics
39:32into my mouth
39:32and I felt them tingle
39:34to every one of my red,
39:35white,
39:35and blue veins.
39:38And they didn't work.
39:43Because antibiotics
39:44don't work on a Shalazian
39:45but we don't know
39:46it's a Shalazian yet
39:47and I'm starting to get
39:47really worried now.
39:49Like, really worried
39:49and I start going on
39:50the internet
39:50looking around for cures
39:52which is a very bad idea.
39:53Don't do that.
39:55I ended up,
39:56for some reason,
39:57I don't know why,
39:58on Gwyneth Paltrow's website.
40:03Look,
40:03I don't want to be disloyal,
40:05my sisters.
40:05You know I'm on your side
40:06but I think that woman
40:08might be full of shit.
40:12Maybe.
40:16I read a thing,
40:17I don't know if it's still up there
40:18but I read a thing on that.
40:19This is true,
40:20it's like,
40:21ladies,
40:21if you're feeling
40:22a lot of negative emotions
40:23and you've got a lot of,
40:24you know,
40:24just depression
40:25and bad things
40:26going on in your body,
40:27try putting a hand tag
40:29in your vagina for a while
40:30and it will absorb
40:32the negative emotions.
40:34I'm like,
40:35are you crazy?
40:39That's insane.
40:41That's dangerous.
40:43What if that hatched?
40:53What if you're sitting in church
40:55just in the quiet bit
40:56when you're meant to think
40:56about Jesus
40:57and you hear,
41:04Susan,
41:04what's that?
41:05It's just gas.
41:10Anyway,
41:11I'm freaking out.
41:11I've got this eye infection
41:12and I don't know what it is
41:13and I thought,
41:14oh,
41:14you know what?
41:15I had acupuncture once
41:16for something
41:17and it really helped.
41:18I can't remember.
41:18Oh,
41:18memory loss.
41:19I got it for memory loss.
41:20So,
41:21I know acupuncture
41:22is a legit thing
41:23so I'll try it.
41:23So I went to the
41:25traditional Chinese
41:26medicine center
41:27in Santa Monica,
41:27California,
41:28a big place,
41:29very legit
41:29and I go in
41:30and I walked out
41:31and my eyes really swollen
41:31and the doctor
41:32looked in my eye
41:32and he went,
41:33aha.
41:34Now,
41:35wait,
41:35no,
41:36hang on.
41:37That is not me
41:38doing a Chinese accent.
41:40I understand
41:41and the rules are correct.
41:42I agree with them.
41:43You don't do accents
41:44of a race
41:45which you don't belong to.
41:46It's bullying
41:47and it's nasty
41:48and it makes people
41:50feel bad about themselves
41:51and I get it
41:51and I subscribe to it
41:52and anyway,
41:53the doctor wasn't Chinese.
41:54He was an old white guy
41:55from Sacramento
41:56that studied
41:56at the University of Beijing
41:58so fuck you millennials
41:58and then it...
42:02It's true.
42:03So he looked in my eye
42:04and he went,
42:05ah,
42:06eye infection.
42:07I went,
42:07yeah,
42:08and he went,
42:08okay,
42:09take off your socks
42:09and shoes.
42:10I went,
42:10what?
42:11He went,
42:12take off your socks
42:13and shoes.
42:14So I went,
42:14all right,
42:14I took off my socks
42:15and shoes
42:15and he got an acupuncture
42:17needle
42:17and he went between
42:18my big toe
42:19and the toe next to it
42:20which in my case
42:22is actually bigger
42:22than my big toe.
42:28I don't know
42:29what it means
42:30but it is.
42:31I had a girlfriend
42:31once who said,
42:32I think it's a sign
42:33of intelligence.
42:34I was like,
42:35no one knew it isn't.
42:38I didn't say that.
42:39I didn't say that.
42:40I thought it.
42:42I didn't say it.
42:43Anyway,
42:43he gets this needle
42:45and he goes between
42:46my big toe
42:46and the toe
42:47and the toe next to it
42:47and he goes
42:47with a needle
42:48and my eye went,
42:49ah.
42:49I went,
42:50wow.
42:50And he went,
42:51and my eye went,
42:52ow.
42:52I went,
42:53wow,
42:53I didn't know
42:53your eye and your foot
42:54were connected like that.
42:55And he said,
42:56oh yes,
42:57otherwise,
42:57how could you walk
42:58to what you see?
43:06I thought,
43:08finally,
43:08we are getting somewhere.
43:13So he kept doing it.
43:14He's going,
43:14my eyes going,
43:15eyes going,
43:15ow,
43:16ow,
43:16ow.
43:17I was like,
43:17is this going to cure my eye?
43:18He said,
43:19no,
43:19but it's cool,
43:19isn't it?
43:20Isn't it cool?
43:25I said,
43:25it is cool,
43:26but I'm looking for something
43:27that will cure my serious eye infection.
43:28He said,
43:29well,
43:29look,
43:29Craig,
43:29I'm not an expert,
43:30he said,
43:31but if I had an eye infection
43:32and I didn't know what it was,
43:33I'd go and see a specialist eye doctor.
43:35I was like,
43:36you are so wise.
43:40So I did.
43:41I went to see a specialist eye doctor
43:43in Beverly Hills,
43:46California.
43:48Thanks,
43:49everybody.
43:52Now,
43:53I walked in to see this eye doctor
43:54who,
43:56she ironically,
43:57was Chinese
43:58with a very thick Chinese accent.
44:02Now,
44:02obviously,
44:03I'm not going to do that.
44:08I'm not.
44:08So let's pretend
44:10that the Chinese doctor
44:11had a French accent.
44:13Because
44:14nobody gives a fuck
44:15about you people.
44:17And to be honest,
44:19even the French are like,
44:20sure,
44:20fine,
44:20we don't care.
44:25We've definitely cut this bit out.
44:27But anyway,
44:29so I walked in
44:30and she looked in my eye
44:31and she went,
44:33Zootalor!
44:36She was leaning on a lamppost,
44:38wearing a trench coat
44:39and smoking a cigarette.
44:42She said,
44:43I'm afraid,
44:43Craig,
44:44what you have
44:44is a chalazion.
44:45I said,
44:45what is it?
44:46She said,
44:47a chalazion,
44:48Craig,
44:49is an eye infection
44:50of a particular type.
44:51It is a piece of dirt
44:52or detritus.
44:53It blocks the tear duct
44:54and it gets infected.
44:57Now normally,
44:58it becomes a little puss ball.
44:59We pop the puss ball
45:00and the puss rolls down your cheek,
45:02like when the clown cries.
45:10She said,
45:11but your chalazion,
45:13because your immune system
45:15has been compromised
45:16by the COVID-19,
45:18your chalazion
45:19has calcified.
45:21It has hardened.
45:23It has become
45:23like a little rock,
45:25like a pearl
45:26inside an oyster
45:27at the bottom of the ocean
45:28where the fish
45:29make their home.
45:34She said,
45:35I'm afraid
45:36we're going
45:36to have to operate.
45:37So I had to have
45:38an eye operation,
45:39which I don't know
45:40if you've ever had
45:40an eye operation,
45:41but it's nowhere near
45:42as much fun
45:43as you think it's going to be.
45:46First of all,
45:46I couldn't have any
45:48fun time,
45:48sleepy time drugs
45:49because I used up
45:52my quota of fun time,
45:56sleepy time drugs
45:57some time ago.
46:00If I take sedatives,
46:02things get a little
46:03arresty.
46:08So we just,
46:08and I don't know
46:09how any doctors
46:09here will know this,
46:10the eye is an extremely
46:11difficult place
46:12to get a local
46:13anesthetic into.
46:13It's just,
46:14you can try,
46:15but it doesn't really work.
46:16And so we tried,
46:17but I could feel everything.
46:18And she put a clamp
46:18on my eye
46:19to hold it open
46:20for the operation,
46:21a clamp,
46:22which it was like that,
46:23like that movie
46:24Clockwork Orange.
46:25You know that movie?
46:26Like you young people,
46:27if you haven't seen that movie,
46:28you should see it.
46:28It's hilarious.
46:38I love the idea
46:39of a touchy millennial
46:40seeing Clockwork Orange
46:41for the first time.
46:43Ah!
46:46To be fair,
46:47even in the 1970s,
46:48people were like,
46:49ah!
46:51Even Stanley Kubrick,
46:52who made that movie,
46:53was like,
46:53I'm sorry, everybody,
46:54I probably shouldn't
46:55have done that.
46:58Anyway,
46:58she put the clamp
46:59on my eye.
47:00She was a great doctor,
47:01I mean,
47:02a real genius,
47:03an artist.
47:04She made a little incision
47:05with a scalpel.
47:06I felt her doing it,
47:06and then I felt
47:07the tweezers going in,
47:08the little things,
47:08and she wriggled around
47:10in there,
47:10and she found
47:10the little stone
47:11and pulled it out.
47:13It was amazing.
47:14She put it in a little dish,
47:16and that was it.
47:17She didn't even give me stitches,
47:18just put a little super glue
47:19under my eye,
47:19and it went like that.
47:21I went,
47:21ooh, that's good.
47:22Do the other side.
47:31Then I set the recipe
47:32to Gwyneth Paltrow.
47:37And so the stone,
47:39the little chalazion
47:40was in the dish,
47:41and so I said to,
47:43I said to the doctor,
47:44I said,
47:44doctor?
47:45And she said,
47:46oui.
47:48I said,
47:48that,
47:49that chalazion,
47:50could I,
47:50could I keep that?
47:52And she said,
47:53yeah, I'm sure,
47:53but of course.
47:55It is your chalazion.
47:56You grew it yourself
47:57like the wild makers
47:58of Provence
47:59grow the grapes
48:01to make the Sauvignon.
48:08So this is true.
48:09I got the chalazion,
48:10I got it dried out,
48:11I got it varnished,
48:12I got it mounted,
48:13put into a ring,
48:13and I gave it to my wife
48:14for her birthday.
48:18Yeah.
48:19And she said,
48:20she said,
48:21wow, that's unusual.
48:22What's that?
48:22I said,
48:23it's a chalazion.
48:26She said,
48:27what's a chalazion?
48:28I said,
48:28it's an Irish pearl.
48:34She said,
48:34is it very expensive?
48:35I went,
48:36oh yes,
48:36I'll have to do
48:37two shows in Minneapolis
48:38to pay for this.
48:48And here we are.
48:51I'll tell you
48:52why I bring it up.
48:53I mean,
48:54my wife,
48:55we've been married
48:55for 15 years
48:56and I was,
48:58we were in lockdown together.
48:59Now,
49:00we were in Scotland
49:00during the lockdown,
49:02which is not like
49:02American lockdown.
49:03In America,
49:04what did you guys do
49:04for lockdown?
49:05You closed a Piggly Wiggly
49:06for a day or something?
49:09It's like,
49:09that's not a lockdown.
49:10Lockdown in Scotland,
49:11we were in Scotland,
49:12and they locked it down
49:12for about two months.
49:13You had to stay in your house.
49:15You went out of your house,
49:16somebody would be like,
49:17get back in your house.
49:20Get back in your house,
49:22you filthy COVID monkey.
49:26Get some toilet paper
49:27in your arse
49:27before you kill us all.
49:35Anyway,
49:35the thing was,
49:36we were,
49:37you know,
49:37locked together
49:38in the house
49:39for two months together.
49:40And normally,
49:41you know,
49:41I'm out working,
49:42I'm doing stuff,
49:42I'm going around.
49:44And we were locked together
49:45a lot more time together
49:46than we were used
49:47to spending together.
49:48And I had no idea
49:50how much I irritated
49:52this woman.
49:58It's like,
49:59wow,
50:00I am a dick.
50:05And I started to,
50:06just to amuse myself
50:08in no way judgmentally,
50:09I started to observe her
50:12and see how irritated
50:14she was getting by me
50:17using a system
50:18based on the flightless bird
50:20of New Zealand,
50:21the emu.
50:22Do you know the emu?
50:22Or emu?
50:23It's a,
50:24the emu,
50:25it's a,
50:25it is a bird in New Zealand,
50:26very angry bird.
50:27Not like an angry bird
50:28on your phone,
50:29not like a,
50:29ho, ho, ho,
50:30angry bird.
50:31Like a very angry bird.
50:32Like about 100,000 people
50:34a year are killed
50:36by emus.
50:43I believe that to be true.
50:46Anyway.
50:49What it is,
50:50is that if I'm irritating
50:51my wife,
50:52what happens is
50:53I can tell I'm irritating her
50:55because her hand
50:55starts to take the form
50:57of an emu.
51:00And it comes up
51:01and it whispers to her
51:07and then it looks at me
51:10and then she talks to me.
51:13Tells me where I'm going wrong.
51:14And I can take that.
51:15It's not that dangerous,
51:16but when another emu comes up,
51:20now you get two emus
51:22and if the emus
51:23start talking to each other,
51:25you know you're in trouble
51:26because that's when
51:26you're going to get,
51:27that's not how you get a UTI,
51:29you fucking idiot.
51:41Anyway,
51:42this is her favourite joke.
51:45Now,
51:45I didn't write this joke.
51:46It's not my joke.
51:47I would take no responsibility
51:48for this joke.
51:49It's not,
51:50I mean,
51:50she doesn't laugh
51:51at things I say.
51:51We're married.
51:57But she loves this joke
51:59and even although
52:00it's a Scottish joke
52:01and she's an American.
52:02Well,
52:03I'm an American too,
52:04but she's from here.
52:07Right here.
52:10Here,
52:11like two blocks away.
52:16She's from New England,
52:17which if you don't know
52:18New England,
52:19it's just like old England
52:20instead of people have teeth.
52:28Are you from New England?
52:30Yes,
52:30I can tell
52:31because of your
52:31magical white mouth stones.
52:40It's a favourite
52:41with Griselda
52:42in the balcony.
52:48Anyway,
52:49look,
52:49this is our favourite joke.
52:51All right,
52:51here's the joke.
52:51Very simple joke.
52:53Set up,
52:53punchline,
52:54we're done.
52:57Here it is.
53:00Now,
53:00you've got to wait
53:00for the joke.
53:03Then just wheeze
53:04right away.
53:10Here's the joke.
53:12What does a Scotsman wear
53:13under his kilt
53:14on a good day?
53:15Lipstick.
53:15There,
53:15there's the joke.
53:19I don't know.
53:20I don't know.
53:29I don't love it.
53:31I don't love it.
53:32To me,
53:33that joke's a little
53:34heteronormative.
53:35You know what I'm saying?
53:36Although,
53:37it would depend on
53:38what was under the kill
53:39and then who applied it
53:41and what it was applied
53:42with,
53:44so...
53:47All right.
53:48I think I just fixed
53:48that joke.
53:51What a time to be alive.
53:53Good night,
53:54everybody.
53:55Good night,
53:55good night,
53:55good night.
53:55Good night.
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