- 19 hours ago
First broadcast 17th September 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitu
Jack Dee
Ross Noble
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitu
Jack Dee
Ross Noble
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, and welcome to tonight's Q.I.
00:09And tonight we have a higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge of things beginning with H.
00:13And joining me tonight are the humongous Phil Jupiters.
00:22The hyperbolic Ross Noble.
00:30The hygienic Jack D.
00:37And the ho-hum, it's Alan Davis.
00:45So, any time you want to say hi, give me a bell, and Jack goes...
00:53And Phil goes...
00:56And Ross goes...
00:58Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a
01:02-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding.
01:03Yeah, thank you.
01:04And Alan goes...
01:12I'm so, I'm so, so not sorry.
01:16So, let's give this pudding a stir, gentlemen.
01:20Why do bankers like long-haired men...
01:24Oh, hello.
01:25...and shorts...
01:26Is there any need for that?
01:28Really?
01:29I mean, come on.
01:30That's charming.
01:31And the scariest thing is, I'm wearing the same shirt.
01:33You are!
01:34Just look at that.
01:35That is appalling, isn't it?
01:37I've got to hand it to you, Ross.
01:38You've got lovely legs.
01:39Yes.
01:40Yes.
01:40The review.
01:41Unfortunately, that suppository was the oddest-shaped one I'd ever...
01:44It was...
01:47No wonder he's not smiling.
01:49Oh, God, I've only just noticed you.
01:56The full question is, why do bankers like long-haired men and short-skirted women?
02:03Er...
02:03Yes.
02:04By curious.
02:07Is it like when you're in the bank and you, er, and you sort of, like, lean forward like that,
02:12the hair just brushes off all the little receipt stubs?
02:17Like that.
02:18It's like, er...
02:19And the bankers are sat there going, brilliant, I don't have to go around and clean that up.
02:23It's like a sort of a reverse hoover.
02:25Right, okay.
02:26Yeah, fair enough.
02:27What do financiers look for?
02:29When are they happiest?
02:31When they're...
02:31When they're rolling in money.
02:32Yes.
02:33And when do they earn more money?
02:35In the summer?
02:37No.
02:38In the sixties.
02:39What's...
02:39We are...
02:40Yes.
02:41What's the word for a period of prosperity?
02:45Boom.
02:45And as opposed to a bust or a recession.
02:47Now, it just so happens that throughout the 20th century, the length of women's skirts in fashion was exactly correlated
02:56to the rise and fall of the stock market.
03:00And as skirts got shorter and shorter, right up to the Wall Street crash, the flapper skirts, and then instantly
03:07skirt lengths got longer again during the depression.
03:11And the long hair is correspondingly, long hair means a boom?
03:15Yes, it's a negative correlation, as it were.
03:18The further down the hair, the further up the market.
03:21There are other indicators, or at least things that go with boom and bust, sales of things that go up.
03:26Dogs in bags.
03:28Dogs in bags?
03:28Dogs in bags?
03:29I'd imagine that's a boom thing.
03:30Isn't that like an Essex delicacy?
03:33Can I have a couple of dogs in bags, mate?
03:36Like chicken in a basket?
03:38Yeah, chicken in a basket.
03:39Dog in a bag.
03:40Lovely.
03:41It's a Korean delicacy.
03:43People buy more perishable foods during a boom, you know, meats and fish and things like that, and then more
03:50pastas and things that you can store during a bus.
03:53But anyway, it seems that according to hemline theory, girls' hemlines go up as the market goes up.
03:59And so when a banker looks at a girl's legs, his mind is strictly on business.
04:04What starts with H and means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?
04:10Phil Jupiters.
04:12Hepatitis C.
04:23Oh, oddly enough, you're surprisingly close in a kind of way.
04:29Herpes.
04:30Well, have you got the right first and last letter?
04:34Halitosis.
04:35Halitosis is the right answer.
04:36Is it right?
04:36I could have come up with that and got a laugh in the first place.
04:41Halitosis was made up.
04:42Yeah, yeah.
04:42It was made up by...
04:44Listerine.
04:44By Listerine, the company that made Listerine, Lambert Pharmaca.
04:47And they had this product that they named after Joseph Lister, who was the father of antiseptic surgery, who kind
04:53of made everybody wash everything.
04:54And they used it, first of all, as an antiseptic.
04:59And then, without changing the formula, it was for washing floors.
05:02And then it was a cure for gonorrhea.
05:04And then they thought, we'll call it a mouthwash.
05:06Same thing.
05:08Was there a point where that was combined?
05:10It was like a gonorrhea thing.
05:12Actually, my mouth's quite...
05:16Well, my halitosis has gone there.
05:18Well, they invented, essentially, this new product.
05:21A mouthwash has never existed before and there'd never been in need for it.
05:24And so they had to invent a problem for it to solve.
05:26And they started this campaign saying, you know, hotel clerks say that one in three guests who checks in have
05:34halitosis.
05:35And dentists say 83% of patients have halitosis.
05:39And people began to get very nervous about their breath.
05:43Of course, people have dog breath, let's be honest, there are.
05:45And dogs, I say, have people breath.
05:47How can you tell someone?
05:49It's so difficult.
05:50That was part of, that was one of their campaigns, actually.
05:54That's why packets of mints were invented.
05:56And I always figure out, someone's offering me a mint.
05:58That's definitely what they're saying.
06:01It's true.
06:01I mean, these were the kinds of things they used as advertising slogans.
06:05They went from a tiny company to a vast one.
06:08By inventing a name for something that was quite...
06:11A kind of calling it a disease and people thought, oh, I've got halitosis.
06:14And this is like a medical product that will sort of deal with it.
06:18And no one before, people had probably eaten things to sweeten their breath before.
06:22But it just...
06:24I had a picture taken once with a koala.
06:26Mmm.
06:31You could just leave that there.
06:33No, you can.
06:34And it was eating eucalyptus leaves like they do, which are poisonous.
06:38But they've got a 48-mile intestine or something.
06:42Yeah.
06:42And they can digest.
06:43But it's breath is amazing.
06:45It's sweet.
06:45It's lovely, isn't it?
06:46It's amazing.
06:46It was pure eucalyptus.
06:47It was like Olbersoil.
06:48And even their fur smells lovely.
06:50It was gorgeous.
06:50It was really amazing.
06:51Yeah.
06:51They looked at me like...
06:58Is that the excuse you used when you started putting the moves on it?
07:05When I started it, it was cuddling me, next thing you know.
07:09If you had a beautiful breath, I thought I'd have a go.
07:12None of that happened.
07:14You certainly didn't happen.
07:16So if you had a really bad throat, could you get yourself a koala bear and put it in a
07:19big bowl and a tea towel?
07:23No way to cure it.
07:24You wouldn't want your wife coming in and seeing that.
07:27No.
07:28Oh, no.
07:30Why not buy one of my Outback inhalers?
07:34They're bubbly and gorgeous.
07:36People just sucking on a koala.
07:38Here he is, the little perry.
07:39The perry comes down, the little...
07:41Oh, Australian asthmatics.
07:43Going, oh, no, dear, I'm getting a koala around.
07:46Wouldn't that have been brilliant?
07:48I think he'd tickle his feet.
07:53Poor little fella.
07:55That would have been brilliant if in Star Wars, when they'd taken off Vida's helmet, he just had a koala
07:59in there.
08:02Oh, he's better!
08:04He's wrecked!
08:06Now, so there you are.
08:07Halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash.
08:10Now to handedness.
08:12Who might use a left-handed motorbike?
08:16Oh.
08:18How many outfit I've got?
08:19Yeah, do you remember wearing that?
08:21No.
08:21I remember that motorbike ride there.
08:23It was exhilarating.
08:25Is it one-armed men?
08:28No.
08:29I mean, I guess they would have a use for it.
08:31But there was a real market for left-handed.
08:34Oh, what do you mean, throttle on the left?
08:36Yeah.
08:37Yes, sir.
08:37Was it something to do with needing your right hand free for holding a gun or...?
08:43Yes!
08:43I don't know.
08:43Spot on, holding a gun.
08:45Can I get one of these motorbikes?
08:49They turned the company that made them, the Indian Motorcycle Company, Motocycle in fact they call themselves.
08:54There they are, the Indians.
08:55It's an American motorcycle company.
08:57Between the wars, they were the largest motorcycle company in the world.
09:00And part of it was because they sold so many of these left-handed bikes to...
09:05Cowboys.
09:05Cowboys?
09:06The police.
09:06Oh, the police.
09:07Police all over America.
09:08So the police could drive and accelerate and decelerate and kill people with guns at the same time.
09:14Why didn't they just fix a bayonet on the front?
09:16That would be...
09:18In fact, I'm thinking of getting one of those for my motorbikes for cyclists.
09:23Really?
09:23Yeah.
09:23A bayonet?
09:24Not to stab them or anything, just to go, cheeky.
09:27Just a cheeky phone.
09:28It doesn't need to be a bayonet then.
09:31Well, if you can use a bayonet, then use a bayonet.
09:34That's what I see.
09:35It could be something else.
09:36Like a...
09:37Like a broom handle.
09:38Cucumber or something.
09:40Yeah, you don't need a right...
09:41You've just got a bloke in your side.
09:43I know, unfortunately, that was the only photograph you could find.
09:47I've got some left-handed things here, some of which you can see the point of.
09:52This is a left-handed sort of biro pen.
09:55It's a rather peculiar shape, though.
09:58It makes me feel slightly sick looking at it.
10:01Strange.
10:02I think the idea is you don't...
10:03It's...
10:04So you don't smudge.
10:05Left-handed people are, like, naturally evil.
10:07That's what they say, isn't it?
10:10No, that's a well-known fact.
10:13Those pens do all they write just like, I will kill again, I will kill again.
10:17It's a possessed pen, the left-handed pen, is it?
10:21It's really hard to write with.
10:23This is a left-handed...
10:25Do you want to try that?
10:26Try it with your right-handed.
10:27It's just going to drive me crazy.
10:29I mean, I don't know if any left-handed people in the audience have ever found that pencil sharpeners are
10:33a real bore for...
10:34In a right-handed world?
10:36That has already annoyed me.
10:37Well, that's how a left-handed person would feel.
10:40The last thing you want to do.
10:41With us, then.
10:42Well, they should have just adapted when they were younger.
10:47What's wrong with having a stutter?
10:50It's not a condition, being left-handed.
10:52It's not an illness.
10:53Well, you say that.
10:57No, left-handed scissors, of course, are quite well made.
11:00Oh, don't give a left-handed scissors.
11:01They'll stab you.
11:05Stab you in the face as soon as I look at you.
11:08It's where the word sinister comes from, isn't it?
11:10Isn't that right?
11:10Sinister, indeed, is the Latin for left, yeah.
11:13If you're ambisinistrous, what does that mean?
11:16Left-handed and left-footed.
11:18It kind of means you're crap with both hands.
11:21Ambidextrous is you're good with both hands.
11:24Ambisinistrous...
11:25Can't write with either hand.
11:27But this...
11:28This will annoy you, then.
11:29A left-handed can opener.
11:31There, you see.
11:32But then, just assume that all left-handed people are just as annoyed by right-handed things.
11:36But, just assume...
11:36But they're a minority, so they should be punished, Jack.
11:38At least they're warned, you see.
11:39One of those could turn up in your kitchen with no warning.
11:42Yeah, you would turn up in the morning and...
11:44What?
11:47The only thing that could annoy Jack more now is if he opens that can and it's all left-handed
11:52peaches.
11:56Just imagine.
12:00Well, thank you.
12:00You can give them back there, because I can see they've upset you.
12:03There is a left-handed shop where you can buy all these things.
12:07And my sister is left-handed, and I actually thought one Christmas.
12:09I will buy her something, you know, it'll be a thoughtful thing.
12:12And there's a shot that goes straight, bang, right into it.
12:14And, of course, the door opened on the other side.
12:20There's another motorbike question, though, that might interest you.
12:23Why do you think motorbikes aren't charged congestion-
12:29Yes, you're expecting us to see it because they don't cause congestion,
12:32and the thing will go whoop, whoop, whoop, but it's because of the cameras.
12:36Yes.
12:37The motorbikes have a plate on the back, and they don't have a plate on the front.
12:42Yeah.
12:42So the camera only takes a photo from the front, so there's no way of knowing who it is.
12:47You are absolutely right, and there are points in you for that.
12:50Thank you very much.
12:50Thank you, thank you.
12:52I'm just complaining.
12:54I'm just very good.
12:56I'd just like to point out, that is the only thing I know.
13:00The only thing.
13:02And it's come up.
13:03I can't believe that.
13:04In my brain, as you started saying that, I went, I know he's going to say here.
13:07I can use me one bit of knowledge.
13:11Superb.
13:11Well, well done.
13:12Very good indeed.
13:12They used to have a number plate on the front mudguard.
13:15They did, sideways on.
13:16Absolutely lethal.
13:18So that's why all cars now are big, smooth, soft-fronted things.
13:22Yeah.
13:22It's actually now safe to be run over.
13:25Yes.
13:28You know what would be brilliant, is if they had, like, external airbags, so that as
13:31soon as you hit somebody, your car became a bouncy castle.
13:34So they'd be like, brilliant, wouldn't it, where you'd be walking along, and you'd go,
13:38oh no, and a bag, hey!
13:41But then you'd get, you'd get collateral damage, you'd get a passerby and just get shot into
13:45a shop window.
13:49You'd be just about to be run over and go, oh, better take my shoes off.
13:58Good.
13:59Well, left-handed motorcycles allowed right-handed American policemen to shoot at people while
14:03they were chasing them.
14:04Why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous of a Sturmgewehr 44 with a Krummlauf modification?
14:16Because he was French.
14:19Well, yeah, but that's kind of true.
14:21It is, of course, a German something.
14:23Is it?
14:24Sturmgewehr 44.
14:25Is it a firearm?
14:27It is a firearm.
14:28Is it a machine gun?
14:29It's not a machine gun.
14:31Funnily enough, I have one.
14:33Oh, assault rifle, somebody speaks German there.
14:36Sturmgewehr.
14:36That was slightly scary, wasn't it?
14:39Yeah.
14:40But it's the...
14:41Yeah, you know you said that out loud, didn't you?
14:42It's still right, it's still right.
14:45I've got eight in my bunker.
14:50I can't tell you where it's a secret like I said.
14:53But I'm with these as well.
14:56Come the day.
14:57Would you like to see one?
14:59Come the day.
15:00Yeah, I would.
15:01They're very...
15:02All of us will be ready.
15:03They're very big.
15:03They're very heavy.
15:04All your Christmases have come at once.
15:06Look at this.
15:07You've got what you're doing with that.
15:09There is the Sturmgewehr, which is a German Second World War assault rifle.
15:14The first assault rifle there ever was.
15:16But the Krummlauf is the interesting part.
15:19Oh, I can see it.
15:20The Krummlauf is this modification.
15:23They don't like the album.
15:25So, this is a genuine article.
15:29It's brought to us by our very nice friends from the Royal Armouries in Leeds.
15:33It's going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight.
15:36And this is this extraordinary...
15:38You can shoot over the train.
15:39You shoot over a wall or round a corner.
15:41And this is a periscope.
15:43And so, if I'm here, I can actually...
15:45I assure you...
15:46It has been deactivated, I promise you.
15:49There is no chance.
15:50It's been checked and double-checked.
15:52But I can see the audience in my...
15:53And I can see the sights as well in the periscope.
15:56Yes, it's been converted into a water for flower baskets.
15:59I am pointing at the back row of the audience.
16:01And that allows me to do that.
16:03Or, as you rightly say, round a corner.
16:04But there's another gun, isn't there?
16:06There's one that actually shoots round a corner.
16:07Yes, there is.
16:08The Israeli army uses that.
16:09And we might even have a picture of it.
16:11Oh, lovely.
16:11It's a much more modern development.
16:13There it is.
16:14Yeah.
16:14That really is extraordinary.
16:15And behind, though, is the first of its kind.
16:18A very simple invention.
16:19An Australian invention in the First World War.
16:21Where you see a genuine rifle on top of the trench.
16:25And a thing holding it.
16:26And a periscope looking through the sight.
16:28Quite clever.
16:29But, much cooler just to go...
16:31Oh, yes.
16:32It's so bright.
16:33But there it is.
16:34It was about 1943 it was invented.
16:36They started making it in 1944.
16:37Too late.
16:39Jerry didn't win the war, as you probably know.
16:41We gave him a bit of an old spanking, as a matter of fact.
16:43But this was in great demand for, you know, the Panzer people like them in their tanks.
16:50Please tell me.
16:50Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one.
16:52Yeah.
16:53Yes, yes.
16:54Yes, yes.
16:54That one that goes round the corner.
16:56Do they have, like, ones that go that way and ones that go that way?
16:59Because that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went...
17:01Yeah.
17:01Oh, God.
17:04I've got to get a hold of that round a block.
17:06Absolutely.
17:11It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Schader, who was a washing machine manufacturer,
17:15in fact.
17:16He invented it for...
17:17Oh, so it's got a spin cycle.
17:18It's got a spin cycle.
17:19So is he just trying to, like, drum up a bit of business?
17:22Presently.
17:22But not in the adverts where he goes,
17:23It gets blood out.
17:24Oh, I tell you what.
17:25Pow!
17:27No.
17:27You're not needing a washing machine.
17:29And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons.
17:33Really?
17:33Yeah.
17:34I thought it was someone who was scared of hooplas.
17:36According to WebandDictionary.com, this literally is their definition.
17:41An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns, usually occurring as a result of a liberal
17:46upbringing, or the fact that a person is just a wimp in general.
17:51Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon,
17:57i.e. guns are evil, or guns kill, to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of
18:04being a sissy.
18:05I...
18:08I'll tell you something.
18:09Yeah?
18:10He wrote that.
18:12He may have done the assault rifle.
18:14Yeah.
18:15I'll tell you what.
18:16I bet he wrote it with the left hand.
18:17Now, don't play with it, because they did ask that nobody else touch it.
18:20Oh!
18:20Because it's very valuable, I'm afraid.
18:21I was going to make it go over the desk.
18:23Yeah, well...
18:24I'm sorry.
18:26I can't believe it.
18:26I'm afraid I was given a specific Alan not to touch it.
18:32It's very valuable.
18:33I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says,
18:36machine gun for Stephen Fry's use only.
18:40What?
18:42Anyway, yes.
18:43The age-old problem of firing guns around corners has been solved by making guns that fire around corners.
18:48Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity, I reckon.
18:51So, why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop?
18:56Something you can get in a joke shop that helps you with bomb disposing?
19:01Fake poos.
19:01Fake poos.
19:03Fake poos.
19:03To be through the...
19:05The...
19:05The...
19:05Chain of...
19:06I don't know how it would work.
19:07Is it...
19:08Whoopie cushions?
19:10Put a whoopie cushion under to release the pressure plate.
19:13That's quite smart thinking, it's not that actually.
19:16They're called ammunition technicians.
19:18And they use a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party...
19:22A flower that sprays water.
19:22A party shop.
19:23It is something you spray.
19:24Oh, is it that...
19:25Oh, no!
19:25Is it that squirty stuff, the...
19:27Oh, silly string?
19:27Silly string!
19:28Silly string.
19:29Silly string.
19:29Now, what use would silly string be?
19:32Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up?
19:35No, it's not that.
19:35It's in case there are tripwires.
19:37Very invisible tripwires.
19:38And you spray it and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it.
19:41And particularly, they have, of course, fluorescent silly string.
19:44So in dark corners where you might be, there's always the possibility,
19:48because so many bombs are booby-trapped.
19:50You know, it's nice, that's a real thing,
19:53but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going,
19:55Heeeeee!
19:59Heeeeee!
20:00Yeah, in the big Margaret Thatcher mask.
20:03And a rubber ticket.
20:06I'll have to see if...
20:07That would have improved that film, The Hurt Locker.
20:11Yes!
20:14Heeeeee!
20:15Heeeeee!
20:17Heeeeee!
20:19Heeeeee!
20:20Anyway, the army uses silly string to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses.
20:26From houses to holes, you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.
20:31So how would you make a square hole with a round drill?
20:36That's the question. Can it be done?
20:38Yes, Jack D.
20:39I would drill four small holes that don't laugh before it's happened.
20:46It might surprise you yet.
20:48I'm thinking while I talk.
20:50I would drill four small holes that would describe a square if I was...
20:55Like the corners?
20:56Corners.
20:57And then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through.
21:01And thus creating a square.
21:03It's a way of...
21:03It's a way of punching a square into the surface.
21:04But there is actually a way of using a round drill bit to...
21:09Well, my way's better.
21:10That would have been...
21:12That would have been brilliant if it had gone, whoop, whoop, whoop, and every word you said.
21:17One way, I would take a thing, even the bit where you said...
21:21Don't laugh before you're even out there.
21:23It was on there.
21:24There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle, which, when it revolves, a part of it makes a square.
21:33A circular triangle?
21:34Oh, no, no, no, this is your first time.
21:39This sort of thing happens all the time, right?
21:41It's a sort of circular triangle.
21:47And it makes a square.
21:50It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that.
21:52It's the fact that I now realise there's a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.
22:03Do you know what you've dreamt about for years?
22:05Do you know the weird thing?
22:06Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble?
22:09Is the name for this form of triangle is a rouleau.
22:14It genuinely is.
22:18I'm not joking.
22:19I think you have to have points for that.
22:20You somehow found a triangle that was a rouleau.
22:23It's a rouleau triangle, is what it's called.
22:25And it's a very particular shape.
22:27You know the fact that we come on this show and we discover things,
22:30what I'd like tonight is I've just discovered that the best three words to hear
22:33in a Geordie accent are Toblerone-Rolo combo.
22:37Thanks.
22:38Now everyone I meet is going to go,
22:40Could you say Toblerone, please?
22:42Go on, Geordie man, dance first.
22:44Yeah.
22:45You've got to form a band now.
22:46Yep.
22:47All right.
22:48Called that.
22:48Me and Cheryl Cole.
22:50Yep.
22:53Her, me and Jimmy Neil.
22:55Yes.
22:55There's a triangle.
22:56Ladies and gentlemen, there's a ton of rouleau.
22:59Oh, come on.
23:00And you've got to play the trombone.
23:01The trombone.
23:03Yes.
23:03The trombone.
23:04That's it.
23:05My God.
23:06Right.
23:07Okay.
23:07Do you want to see a picture of this rouleau triangle?
23:11Yeah.
23:11I see a rouleau triangle.
23:12Is it only available in airports?
23:14Yep.
23:14No, let's roll it.
23:16There.
23:17There.
23:17Now you see there.
23:18That's a sort of round triangle, if you're not, a round-ended triangle.
23:21Yes.
23:22There it is.
23:22And that is the drill bit, and it is describing a square, if you see.
23:27Exactly.
23:28Isn't that crazy?
23:29How loony is that?
23:32You sicken me.
23:36Now, that shape may be familiar, if you like cars and bikes.
23:39It's a type of piston.
23:40The...
23:41Rotary piston.
23:42That's the rotor.
23:43A wankle.
23:44A wankle or vankle, if we prefer to say it that way.
23:46Wankel was a bloke, though, wasn't he?
23:47He was.
23:48An actual bloke called Wankle.
23:48Mr. Vankle was indeed a bloke.
23:51That's all you could do.
23:52If your name was vankle.
23:53Yeah.
23:54You'd go, what are you going to do with your life?
23:55Well, it's going to have to be engines, isn't it?
23:59Or sex toys.
24:02And I, for one, looking at that, I'm glad that he went the engine path.
24:08Yeah.
24:09Okay.
24:09So, you can make a square hole with a round drill.
24:15This is something even more extraordinary, in a way.
24:18This is from an ordinary cylinder, and all you do is just cut two wedges of it.
24:23As long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide, you cut the two wedges,
24:28and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do.
24:31Ah.
24:32Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch.
24:36No.
24:36It's rather amazing.
24:38You've got the three play school windows.
24:40You've got the square, the triangle.
24:41You can push it through all of them.
24:43That is a square now.
24:44Look.
24:44See?
24:45It's a square.
24:46Oh.
24:47There.
24:47Yeah.
24:50See?
24:51Square?
24:52Square.
24:52Go on.
24:53Put it through, then.
24:54Yeah.
24:54Also, it's – oh, hang on.
24:56Oh, I see it.
24:56Yeah.
24:57It's also a triangle.
24:58Yes.
24:59Triangle.
25:00And?
25:00It's a circle.
25:02Isn't it amazing?
25:04Can I – Can I?
25:04Just one shape?
25:06Can I?
25:07Can we just leave that, like, in a play group, and watch the kids' head
25:11exist?
25:13Do you want to try?
25:15Put the round into the square.
25:17No, it doesn't work now.
25:19It stopped working.
25:20It stopped working.
25:22Broke him.
25:23Get the AA man.
25:26Yeah, you've got the circle.
25:27Circle, good, yes.
25:29Square?
25:30Square, yes.
25:31Very good.
25:32Triangle.
25:35He wasn't great at school, right?
25:37You realise, if you get this through,
25:40a banana comes out of a chute.
25:51No bananas for you.
25:54Well done.
25:55Well done.
25:57Complete tool, aren't I?
25:59Excellent.
26:00So you can get a round peg into a square hole
26:03and a square peg into a round hole.
26:05Well done, class.
26:06I want to play with the gun that shoots around corners.
26:08No, you can't play with the gun.
26:10Specialist structures, don't let Alan play.
26:14Police were baffled in London tonight
26:16by a series of murders committed round corners.
26:21Right, yes, fact is,
26:23thanks to the wonders of geometry,
26:24it's quite possible to drill a square hole
26:25with a circular bit.
26:27While we're sanding and polishing,
26:28what is the roundest thing in the universe?
26:32Yeah.
26:32No, just saying.
26:34Oh, no, Phil.
26:38Oh, not at all.
26:39You should see it when,
26:40no, the round is seeing the universe.
26:43Yeah.
26:43Ball bearings.
26:45Ball bearings are quite round,
26:46but they're...
26:46I've swallowed a ball bearing.
26:47Roundest, dude.
26:50Smoothest, most round.
26:52Well, yeah, the most purely, purely round,
26:55in other words,
26:55because if you...
26:57Well...
26:57The Earth is thingy,
26:59is it squashed?
26:59It's not round.
27:00No, that's right.
27:01It's an oblate spheroid.
27:02Oh, Nelly Furtada!
27:06Dude, he's got a word for everything.
27:08Is it a liquid drop,
27:12a water drop?
27:13They can get jolly round.
27:15They can be very round.
27:17Very nice.
27:18We're actually further out of space
27:19than Earth, beyond Earth.
27:21It's a cosmic phenomenon.
27:23Is it a black hole?
27:23It's that kind of a deal.
27:26Oh, it's those, um,
27:27space helmets.
27:28Those big round helmets.
27:30The things on the top.
27:33Is it, uh,
27:34is it the thing called the genius point?
27:36Is it the point at which,
27:37to which everything, uh,
27:39goes to, ultimately?
27:40Not that.
27:41It's when a supernova
27:42has a gravitational collapse,
27:44it turns into something called a,
27:45a neutron star.
27:47Yeah.
27:48Yeah.
27:49Oh, the neutron star!
27:50They're really round.
27:51It's not round!
27:52No, that's not.
27:55That's a supernova, I think,
27:57having, that's a supernova.
27:58Going supernova.
27:59Then show us the round thing!
28:05He's very upset, aren't you?
28:07Yes!
28:09It's, it only has a diameter
28:10of about 15 miles or so,
28:11and there isn't one near enough
28:13for you to be able to see it
28:14with a naked eye.
28:14You ever notice how we always
28:15have to take Stephen's work?
28:18But what's interesting is,
28:19that if I had a thimble full
28:20of a neutron star,
28:22it would weigh more
28:23than a mountain.
28:25Yeah, but you don't!
28:26Yeah!
28:27All right!
28:28I'll tell you what,
28:29imagine how confused
28:30the old woman
28:31down in your socks would be
28:32if you had a thimble full of it.
28:34She was just trying
28:35and trying to fix a hole
28:36and they're like,
28:37and there's all space
28:38and time coming out
28:39with a thimble.
28:40That's no way
28:40to treat the elderly.
28:42You're right.
28:43You put a thimble down
28:44and no one can pick it up.
28:46No one knows at all.
28:47And when you've got
28:48a good cleaning lady,
28:49you want to hang on to them.
28:49You don't want to mess around.
28:52I'm leaving Mr. D.
28:53Why?
28:54Well, because of all
28:54this space business
28:55with your thimbles.
28:56I don't like it.
28:57It might have double
28:58the mass of the sun,
29:00but it's only 15 miles
29:01across roughly,
29:02and the highest mountain
29:04on it is where
29:05it has five millimeters,
29:06so it is superbly round.
29:08Because as opposed
29:09to the earth,
29:10which although the earth
29:11is jolly round,
29:12apart from the flat bits
29:13at the top,
29:13the point about the earth
29:14is it's actually
29:15jolly smooth compared
29:16to say a billiard ball.
29:18Smoother than a
29:19bing pong ball.
29:19Yes, now why is that
29:20that a snooker ball?
29:22I'm sorry I did not know
29:22there would be
29:23a follow-up question.
29:26Why is the earth?
29:27If you were to scale up
29:29a snooker ball
29:30to the size of the earth,
29:32the mountains and trenches
29:33would be hugely greater
29:35than our highest mountains
29:37or deepest trenches,
29:38i.e. the little pits
29:39that you can see
29:40when you examine
29:40a snooker ball closely
29:41if scaled up
29:42to the size of the earth
29:43would be gigantic.
29:43So the earth in that sense
29:45is smoother
29:45than a billiard ball.
29:47Which brings me round
29:48to a hypothetical question.
29:49What's made of jelly
29:51and lives forever?
29:54shark-infested custard.
29:55Wrong joke.
29:59Is it a famous jelly?
30:02Royal jelly.
30:02Bees.
30:03No.
30:03What lives and is made of jelly?
30:05Jellyfish.
30:06A jellyfish.
30:07What sort of jellyfish
30:08would live forever?
30:09Um, and it's an eternal jellyfish.
30:12An eternal, or as it is known,
30:13the immortal jellyfish.
30:15The immortal jellyfish,
30:16as I was about to say.
30:17Yeah, you were.
30:20Turetopsis is its proper name,
30:21and there it is.
30:22And the extraordinary thing about it
30:23is it doesn't die.
30:24What happens after it's sexes...
30:25After it's sexes...
30:27After it's...
30:27After it's...
30:28I'm going to...
30:29Sex, yeah.
30:33After it's...
30:34After it's had sexes,
30:35the more normal way of saying it,
30:36I suppose.
30:36I have sex.
30:38Marjorie, shall we sex?
30:41Come on.
30:42We have sex for the good week.
30:45I can't remember how I'm sexing.
30:48Why don't we say that?
30:49It's perfectly logical, isn't it?
30:51Some of us do say that.
30:52Yeah, yeah.
30:53You know what?
30:54But anyway,
30:54after it's sexed,
30:56it can then turn back into a child.
30:58Its cells change,
30:59function,
31:00the muscle cells
31:00and the sperm cells
31:01and the egg cells change back
31:02and they change back.
31:03And it literally goes,
31:04as it were,
31:05back in time
31:05and just starts again.
31:07It's the same creature.
31:09That would be a bit unnerving
31:10for its partner, though.
31:12He's just made love
31:13and then...
31:14Can we watch great health?
31:17Of course,
31:18they do die
31:19because they get eaten
31:20or they get diseased,
31:21but they don't actually
31:22die of old age.
31:23I'm trying to work out
31:24which of those five phases
31:25is the emo one
31:26that paints his bedroom black
31:27and doesn't talk to you for weeks.
31:31Well,
31:31now,
31:32what about human attempts
31:33to be immortal
31:34or to rejuvenate,
31:35at least?
31:35What was the great popular one
31:37earlier in the...
31:38Cliff Richard?
31:38...20th century.
31:42True.
31:43Being frozen.
31:44Cryogenic.
31:45Well,
31:45that doesn't really rejuvenate,
31:46that's just kind of waiting
31:47until there's a cure,
31:48isn't there?
31:48Monkey glands,
31:49royal jelly.
31:50Monkey glands.
31:51And what did they mean
31:51by monkey glands?
31:53The glands...
31:54of a monkey.
31:55They weren't really glands,
31:57or were they?
31:58They were...
31:58Testicles.
32:00The average...
32:01No!
32:02Yes.
32:03It started as human testicles,
32:05I'm sorry to say.
32:06They're perfectly round.
32:08They're all getting
32:09pretty simple.
32:11If you were to scale them up
32:12to the size of the earth,
32:13they'd take hours to scratch.
32:21Chinese farmers with ricks.
32:26Monkey balls.
32:27Monkey balls.
32:28There was a man called
32:29Sergei Vonorov,
32:30who was a Russian
32:31who lived in Paris.
32:33Hello, ladies.
32:36And I'm talking about
32:37the dude in the middle.
32:40He started as human testicles,
32:41and he would inject
32:42parts of the human testicle
32:43and then they...
32:45Hang on, injecting parts
32:46of the human testicles?
32:47Is that what he told
32:48the ladies, was it?
32:50But it was very popular.
32:51And in fact,
32:52Wolverhampton Wanderers,
32:53they had a striker
32:54in the late 40s
32:55called Dennis Westcott
32:57and the manager of...
32:58The manager of
33:00Wolverhampton Wanderers.
33:01I rather like this period
33:02in English football
33:03when managers were called
33:04things like Major Frank Buckley.
33:06You don't get many majors
33:07managing English football teams
33:09anymore.
33:10Or indeed sexing.
33:10Or indeed sexing.
33:11I love the fact that you did
33:14one impersonation of me
33:15and now you can't use grammar.
33:17At all.
33:18I can't say it.
33:19It's like,
33:20next week's QI
33:21has been cancelled.
33:23Novel has infected
33:24Fry's brain.
33:27Welcome to QI.
33:28Major...
33:30Get the monkey balls
33:31out, we're sexing it
33:32tonight.
33:35Major...
33:38Major Frank Buckley
33:39insisted on his striker
33:41having been injected
33:43with monkey testicles.
33:45And amazingly,
33:46he went on to score
33:4738 goals in 35 games.
33:49And so then...
33:50Hundreds of monkeys.
33:52Then...
33:53Then the manager of Plymouth
33:54made his team
33:55inject themselves
33:56or be injected
33:57with monkey.
33:58That's got to be
33:58an interesting team talk,
33:59isn't it?
34:00Yeah.
34:02What I want you to do,
34:03lads.
34:03Yeah, right.
34:07It was, of course,
34:08bollocks in every sense.
34:10But it's very fashionable.
34:11The search for eternal youth.
34:13And now,
34:14look on my works,
34:15ye mighty in despair.
34:16It's time for
34:17general ignorance.
34:18How do snakes
34:19manage when their lunch
34:21is bigger than their head?
34:22Ring, ring, ring-a-ding.
34:24Yes, Ross Noble.
34:25They dislocate their jaw?
34:26Oh, Ross,
34:27you were doing so well.
34:29I am so sorry.
34:31No, this is a common
34:32misapprehension.
34:33They don't do any such thing.
34:34They just have
34:34very stretchy wide mouths.
34:36They have a special bone
34:38which in mammals
34:39has become
34:40our anvil
34:40and other ear bones.
34:42So the choice was
34:43I could either hear very well
34:44or eat something
34:45bigger than my head?
34:46Yeah, essentially.
34:47Yes, essentially.
34:48It's this quadrate.
34:50Evolution!
34:53She can't hear you.
34:55Yeah, but we've only
34:55got your word for it
34:56that that picture there
34:57is a snake
34:58eating a mouse.
34:59That might be
35:00a new mouse creature
35:01that has a snake head.
35:03It might.
35:04It might.
35:05It's a lovely thought.
35:06Doesn't it slip out
35:08or something?
35:08No, it's a double
35:10jointed hinge.
35:11And is that what
35:12they use on
35:12snakeskin handbags
35:14to get the...
35:15Gosh, that would be
35:16a very impressive
35:17handbag, wouldn't it?
35:19But sometimes
35:19they do overreach
35:20themselves.
35:21There was a case
35:21in 2005
35:22in the Everglades
35:23of Florida
35:23where a Burmese python
35:26attempted to eat
35:27a whole alligator
35:28and it got into it.
35:29That is an alligator
35:31inside a snake.
35:32But the alligator
35:33was still alive
35:34inside the snake
35:35and tore at the...
35:36and the python
35:37exploded.
35:40So, isn't that
35:41extraordinary?
35:41And who lived?
35:42Who survived?
35:43Well, I think the alligator
35:44probably was dead as well
35:45unfortunately by this time.
35:46They'd have got both dead.
35:47Not a happy ending.
35:48There were no winners
35:49to be honest.
35:49No winners.
35:51And what you may ask
35:52what a Burmese python
35:53was doing in the middle
35:54of Florida?
35:55It was on holiday.
35:55It was on holiday.
35:57Very popular.
35:59It's a very popular
36:00destination.
36:01They're very popular
36:02pets and that's actually
36:03the reason they're in
36:03Florida because they
36:04escape and they find
36:05the Florida swamps
36:07very similar to the
36:07Burmese swamp
36:08where the python romp
36:09as Noel Card put it.
36:11So, yes, snakes
36:12don't actually dislocate
36:14their jaws to swallow
36:15big meals.
36:16They just have
36:16very stretchy mouths.
36:17What does a judge do
36:19when he wants
36:19order in his court?
36:21Here.
36:23Yes.
36:26He bangs his gavel.
36:31British judges
36:32have never had
36:32gavels.
36:33Never.
36:33They do on some
36:34television breakers
36:35maybe because I think
36:36props people just
36:38think it looks good
36:38but they never have
36:39them.
36:40They never ever have
36:40them.
36:41Sometimes if they're
36:41conducting an auction
36:42at the same time
36:43they do.
36:43If they're conducting
36:44an auction.
36:45But it's unlikely
36:46that's going to happen.
36:47Auctioneers do have
36:48gavels indeed.
36:49Judges don't have
36:50gavels.
36:51No.
36:52You've got one there.
36:53I was a judge in
36:54Kingdom.
36:55You were?
36:56And I had a gavel
36:57in that.
36:58So...
36:59Oh, did you?
36:59I think so, yeah.
37:00I seem to remember.
37:01We got that wrong.
37:01Another reason why
37:02that show was cancelled.
37:06Yes, British judges
37:07have never used
37:08gavels unlike
37:08American judges
37:09and auctioneers
37:10everywhere.
37:11And finally,
37:12the notorious pirate
37:13Blackbeard
37:14has just given me
37:14a map.
37:15What does the
37:15X mark?
37:17The spot.
37:19No!
37:23If anything,
37:24I suppose he gave me
37:26a map would be
37:26a signature
37:26because he probably
37:27can't write.
37:28Most pirates couldn't.
37:29The fact is,
37:30there's no case
37:31in history
37:31that anyone knows
37:32of, of pirates
37:33burying treasure
37:34and drawing maps
37:36with X's on.
37:37It all comes from
37:38Treasure Island
37:40by Robert Louis
37:40Stevenson.
37:41Why would a pirate
37:42want to bury treasure?
37:43I mean, you know,
37:44stop the other pirates
37:45getting it.
37:45He's got to spend it.
37:46They can hardly go
37:47at the Bradford
37:48and Bingley,
37:48can't they?
37:50Oh, you're a chest
37:51full of doubloons
37:52and booty.
37:53Yes, would you like
37:54fixed term
37:55or extended interest?
37:57Oh, God,
37:58I went to the
37:58Bradford and Bingley
37:59and got stuck
38:00behind a bloody pirate.
38:02I was there
38:03for my whole lunch hour.
38:05I ain't got
38:0620 Portuguese whores.
38:09That's why
38:09they brought in
38:10those pens
38:10on the chains
38:11because they
38:11couldn't get it
38:12with a hook.
38:12They'd be like that
38:13and they couldn't.
38:14So they'd just
38:14hook the pen
38:15and it would go
38:16like that
38:16and then they'd
38:17just do this.
38:21There's a lot
38:21of myths about boats.
38:22There's no known
38:23pirate never.
38:23A man's face
38:24is the colour
38:24of a strawberry.
38:25That's incredible.
38:26Do you know
38:26who that is?
38:27No, I don't.
38:27Right, it's Robert
38:28Newton.
38:29Robert Newton, yeah.
38:30Who really invented
38:31pirate speak.
38:32That's all from him.
38:35In fact,
38:35Tony Hancock's
38:36career started
38:37as a Robert Newton
38:39impersonator.
38:40That's what
38:40Tony Hancock did.
38:41That was his act.
38:43There's an
38:43international talk
38:44like a pirate day,
38:45isn't there?
38:46Somalian.
38:47Somalian?
38:52One kid from Somalia.
38:53Yeah?
38:54He came up
38:55alongside me
38:55on his push bike.
38:56He said,
38:57you is on TV,
38:57innit?
38:58You is on TV,
38:59innit?
39:00And I said,
39:00yes, yes,
39:01nice to see you.
39:03Don't walk away,
39:04don't walk away,
39:05you've got to help
39:05me get into TV.
39:06And I said,
39:07okay, well,
39:08how do I get in?
39:09I said, well,
39:10you know,
39:10join your local drama group.
39:11I don't know what I said to him.
39:13He goes,
39:14I'm Somalian,
39:14but I can do Eritrean.
39:17Fantastic!
39:21There may be a demand
39:22for that,
39:23you know,
39:23somewhere.
39:24I said,
39:24I'll see what I can do.
39:25I'll speak to the producers
39:26of Jonathan Creek.
39:29On that bombshell,
39:31pirates very rarely
39:32buried treasure.
39:33They prefer to spend it
39:34and they never once
39:35used a map with an X
39:35on it to help them locate it.
39:37So that's it.
39:37We've hobbled our way
39:38through higgledy-piggledy
39:39hodgepodge
39:40and all that remains
39:41is the humiliation
39:42of the final scores.
39:43My goodness,
39:44my gracious,
39:44my me.
39:46Holding his head high
39:47this week
39:48with a staggering
39:49plus two points
39:50is Jack D!
39:57And,
39:58er,
39:59holding his own
40:00in second place,
40:01a very creditable entry
40:03into the QI stakes,
40:04is our newcomer,
40:05Ross Noble,
40:06with minus six!
40:13Oh,
40:14what a triumph here
40:15because holding out
40:16the hope of greater things,
40:18it's Alan on minus eight!
40:19Well done!
40:21which means, sadly,
40:25hanging his head in shame
40:27on minus ten
40:28is Phil Jupiters!
40:31APPLAUSE
40:34Well,
40:38that's all from this
40:39heterogeneous edition of QI,
40:41so it's goodnight from Jack,
40:42Phil,
40:43Ross,
40:43Alan,
40:43and me
40:44and I leave you with this.
40:45Goodnight.
40:46Night.
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