- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 29th January 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
David Mitchell
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
David Mitchell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight's show will be great, because our theme is
00:15greatness itself.
00:16Let's meet four giants of the game show genre. Great Scott, it's David Mitchell. Great Balls of Fire, Sean Lock.
00:30The great pangentrum Joe Brand. Oh, great, it's Alan Davis. Sean goes.
00:46Well, Mr. Ray, Mr. Great Balls of Fire. Yeah, Joe goes.
00:52Oh, yes, I'm the great pretender.
00:57David goes.
01:05Oh, I just want to hear that for the rest of the evening, actually. And Alan goes.
01:14Thank you for calling Great Eastern Railways. Your call is right. Thank you.
01:19Very good. Excellent. Now, tell me about the great disappointment.
01:25Be tender.
01:27You've been talking to my husband.
01:30Oh, that was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
01:35That is not a fix.
01:40How predictable you are. I am. No problem.
01:44Yes, the great disappointment.
01:46Was it something that afflicted many people?
01:48Well, it was a surprisingly large number. When one thinks of expectations, for example, I mean, really delirious excitement about
01:57some enormous happening that will take place in the world.
02:00Or a rebirth. A second coming. A second coming is exactly right. And then there wasn't one. Well, amazingly.
02:08There's a man called William Miller, who discovered, by close scrutiny of the Bible, that Christ would come back in
02:151844 and scourge the world and clean the sanctuary, in the words of Daniel 8, 4.
02:21And it wasn't like a minor cult. There were over a million Millerites who believed this. They sold their property.
02:27They sold their farms. They gave up everything.
02:29And they believed that it was all going to happen. And newspapers believed it. All kinds of people believed it.
02:35Their confidence was such that one man threw himself off a barn at exactly midnight, convinced that he would be
02:40scooped up and saved.
02:42He wasn't. You'll be astonished.
02:44Oh, you're a doctor. And this?
02:47Jesus is here. No, I need a doctor.
02:49Jesus didn't arrive, and it was known as the Great Disappointment.
02:53Is this in America, by any chance?
02:54How did you guess?
02:57They won't learn, will they?
02:58Well, no. They really won't, because what's so interesting is a lot of people haven't heard of William Miller, but
03:04although this Great Disappointment happened, his followers shaved off into different religions of which you may have heard.
03:11For example, there was a woman who founded a religion called the Seventh-day Adventist, that now has 15 million
03:16adherents in America.
03:18And she was a Millerite. And there was another man, called Charles Russell, who founded an even better known religion,
03:23the Jehovah's Witnesses.
03:25Well, they thought the world was going to end in about 1920, didn't they?
03:28Didn't they?
03:29Well, that's part of what the apocalypse is, is the Second Coming. According to Revelations, the last trumpet sounds, there's
03:36a mighty wind, and Christ harrows hell, whatever that means.
03:41But I don't think those people ever really believe it's the end of the world.
03:44Because if you really did believe the world was going to end, you wouldn't wander around going, I think the
03:48world's going to end.
03:49You'd be just going, ahhh!
03:52You'd be saying fancy a shag to that person you'd never dared say it to before.
03:56Yes.
03:57That's what most people in questionnaires asked, what they do.
04:00John McCreary, in my case.
04:01John McCreary, yes.
04:02Yeah, exactly.
04:03Can I just say, as far as that harrows hell thing, you just need to put a comma in that
04:07sentence, Christ harrows hell.
04:12By the way, who had purple triangles in the concentration camps, the death camps?
04:17Er, was it the part of the dinosaur?
04:20No.
04:20It is an odd thing.
04:22Sorry, we're not saying purple, I thought you were talking about Equality Street.
04:24No, you know, everyone knows.
04:27You're tying on the green.
04:29So, yellow stars for Jews, pink triangles for gay people, so I don't know which one I'm wearing, both.
04:35What I wouldn't wear is a purple triangle.
04:37Which was the purple triangle?
04:38Gypsies?
04:39Well, not Gypsies.
04:40Lesbians?
04:41It was Jehovah's Witnesses.
04:42Manchester United supports?
04:43No.
04:45It was Jehovah's Witnesses were also in those camps.
04:48They had purple triangles.
04:50Weird thought.
04:50But anyway, right up to now, there is a new kind of wave of people in America who believe, and
04:57about 50% of Americans do believe that Christ will return.
05:02And they have a special word for it, a special word for this moment when their bodies will be removed
05:08suddenly by Christ, leaving only their clothes behind them.
05:11It's called the rapture, and it's enormous.
05:14In 1988, 4 million copies of Edgar Wiseman's book, 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Could Be in 1988, were sold.
05:22The rapture wasn't in 1988, you may remember.
05:25But www.raptureready.com has millions of hits a year, as well as offering you handy letters to leave behind
05:33for your non-saved friends and loved ones.
05:35It has a particularly good section called Oops, I Guess I Wasn't Ready.
05:40This list spells out the perils of the post-rapture world, in which you are marked by the Antichrist and
05:46stung by enormous wasps.
05:49But on the plus side, the price of clothing goes right down.
05:53There's a handy quiz called Am I Rapture Ready?
05:57Is there an advice of what sort of loose-fitting clothes to wear that would be better so you won't
06:02get caught on anything?
06:04You wouldn't want to get whipped out of a jockstrap really quickly.
06:07You wouldn't want boxer shorts or something like that.
06:12Well, you'd better be careful, because apparently it's imminent.
06:15Is it?
06:15It is imminent.
06:16Yeah.
06:17The rapture is imminent.
06:18You mean this week, or...?
06:20Oddly enough, they're not being that specific.
06:22Oh, really?
06:23You wouldn't want a second great disappointment, would we?
06:25No, that would be terrible.
06:26I certainly would be disappointed.
06:27No.
06:28Well, the great disappointment came in 1844, when Jesus confounded all expectations by failing to return in glory.
06:34Why are so many great men, though, short?
06:38Are they really?
06:41David.
06:42David.
06:43You've hit the nail on the head.
06:44Rem aku tetagisti, as they would say in Latin.
06:47I'm sure they would.
06:48Yeah.
06:49It means nice ones, son.
06:51Yeah.
06:52That's absolutely right.
06:53In fact, Napoleon...
06:55Napoleon was short, wasn't he?
06:56No.
06:57He was above average height.
06:59Everyone was short in those days.
07:00Yeah, he was 5'6", which is taller then than he is now.
07:03He was 5'7", actually.
07:04Average height was about 5'6".
07:07So it's just the British who decided he was short, put him down a bit.
07:10Yes.
07:10It was particularly a cartoonist called Gilray.
07:13When we were at war with Napoleon, there was a famous one of George III with a little Napoleon, based
07:19on Gulliver's travels, like that.
07:20And he's actually saying, I cannot but conclude you to be one of the most pernicious little odious reptiles that
07:26nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
07:43There.
07:44Like Danny DeVito.
07:46He was very...
07:48Yeah.
07:48Short chap.
07:48No wonder they put it on such a big column.
07:50Is that kind of...
07:52Yes, he's tall into Vargas Square.
07:54Is that short man syndrome a kind of retrospective thing, then, that we've kind of invented more recently and then
08:02just gone back and said they're all short?
08:04Yeah.
08:05Some of them were short, though.
08:06There's no question.
08:07I mean, Stalin was surprisingly short.
08:09He was only 5'5".
08:11Mussolini was 5'6".
08:12Franco was 5'4".
08:145'4"?
08:15Yeah.
08:15They are all short, then.
08:16Well, no.
08:17We hit the 5'8".
08:18Idi Amin was 6'4".
08:20Yeah, a big fella.
08:20That's my height.
08:21Hmm.
08:21Fidel Castro, 6'1".
08:24Mao was 5'9", which is rather tall for a Chinese person.
08:28Hmm.
08:28So...
08:29Mostly they're not judged on their height, are they?
08:31No.
08:32They're not.
08:35They're not.
08:36But...
08:36But all I'm...
08:37We'll let that go.
08:38Yeah.
08:39All I'm saying, you know, there seems to be historically no evidence that short people are more power-hungry, more
08:46tyrannical than people of average or tall.
08:48That's why it came about, though.
08:50Because it's...
08:50It's just that one...
08:51It's probably the one thing that short people have got to cling on to.
08:55That one day, they might be a dictator.
08:59Well, and we've just taken that away from them.
09:01All this...
09:02All this little hope.
09:03All this not being able to reach things from shells one day will be made up for when I kill
09:07millions of people.
09:08And I can stand on their bodies.
09:11Yeah.
09:12And reach the jam.
09:14Then everybody knows somebody short in their life who has been particularly angry and abused his position of authority.
09:20And then you decide he's a bit like Hitler.
09:21That's the point.
09:22You notice when a short man has a tantrum.
09:24Yeah.
09:25And say he's a short man, Napoleon complex.
09:27Tall man has a tantrum, you just leg it.
09:29Exactly.
09:31I have to say I'm rather shocked by this.
09:33Heightism does exist.
09:35Short people are paid less on average than tall people.
09:37The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.
09:41A survey of Fortune 500 companies...
09:44They should rise up.
09:44Yeah.
09:48The chief executive officers of Fortune 500 companies, 90% are above average height.
09:55Which is astounding, really.
09:56And 30% of those are over 6'2".
09:59You know, the tallest 4%.
10:00Every now and again a little short fella breaks through.
10:03Yeah.
10:04Oh, stop.
10:05The capes gets away.
10:06Yeah, yeah.
10:07But it is...
10:07Look at me!
10:08It is...
10:09I've made it!
10:10It is rather...
10:11It is rather shocking that there is this disparity.
10:14And of course we always notice the powerful short rich man with a young tall wife is...
10:20Billionaire Bernie.
10:20She's actually...
10:21I've seen her with him.
10:22She's actually much taller than that above him.
10:25Yeah, she's bending her knee there.
10:26Yeah.
10:27I mean, he has to jump up to slap her on the bum.
10:30He could run through her legs.
10:34And who's the couple on the left?
10:35That's Carla Bruni and...
10:37Sarkozy.
10:38Sarkozy.
10:39But at least the women have both got handbags that their husbands can fit in.
10:43What's next?
10:46No, there isn't really any evidence that dictators are shorter than the rest of us.
10:49The Napoleon complex is a bit of a myth, it seems.
10:51So, now, some great men, on the contrary, are actually tall.
10:56For example, Charlemagne, the immensely charismatic, civilized, attractive, 8th century king of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor, founder of modern
11:04Europe.
11:05Now, our researchers have discovered that, in fact, we've been digging into your family trees in that sort of who
11:11-do-you-think-you-are way, and we've come up with some rather exciting news.
11:16See if you can guess which of you is descended from Charlemagne.
11:21Well, civilized and attractive, it ain't me, is it?
11:25I think Alan.
11:27Alan?
11:28Well, is it all of us?
11:30Yes.
11:31All of us, including me, and including everyone in the audience, and everyone watching at home, if they're European.
11:36Because he was a love machine.
11:40It's just mathematically certain.
11:43The fact is, you know how you have, obviously, everyone has two parents, and four grandparents, eight great-grandparents.
11:49It's that grain of rice on the chessboard thing.
11:51Eight, sixteen.
11:52By the time you get back to the generations, just in the 13th century, you have more direct ancestors than
11:58there have ever been human beings.
12:00It's about 80 billion, the number, by the time you get back that far.
12:04My brain's-
12:05I know, well, all you have to do-
12:07How do you have more ancestors than there are people there's ever been?
12:09Well, you can't. That's the point.
12:17The point is you can't. The point is you have to be shared and assisted.
12:20It was about to happen on this show, wasn't it?
12:22Oh, I see. Right.
12:23The point is that you have to be shared.
12:24Are your brothers here tonight?
12:27Sorry?
12:27Are your brothers here tonight?
12:28I've only got one brother.
12:30Oh, right.
12:30And he's not.
12:31Oh, I was going to say, Phil and Grant, I thought they might be related to you.
12:36Well, they would be.
12:37Well, they would be.
12:37Wouldn't that be great if they were your brothers?
12:39Wouldn't you love it?
12:40It'd be a problem with that, because they don't exist.
12:44I think that would be weird to find out you were related to someone fictional.
12:49You start to doubt your own existence.
12:53Apparently, we all are.
12:55Charlemagne's not fictional, he's just historical.
12:57No, no, all our ancestors are.
12:59All our 80 billion ancestors, not all of them, obviously.
13:0280 billion ancestors, one of them's got to be Winnie the Pooh.
13:05Yeah.
13:10That's very odd.
13:12Yeah, it was a man called Mark Humphries, who was, in 1995, at Dublin University, was doing it.
13:16And he discovered that his wife was King Edward III's great granddaughter, 20 generations down the line.
13:21And he looked further into it, and, of course, he realized that so was Herman Goering and Daniel Boone,
13:26the American explorer, pioneer.
13:29And then he kind of worked out the mathematics of it, and he's the one who's given us that.
13:33I'm just thinking about Charlemagne. I think that would be a really good name for, like, an aftershave, wouldn't it?
13:38It was Charlemagne.
13:40Charlemagne.
13:41Well, that smell, Eddie.
13:43Um, I'm everybody.
13:45I'm everybody's daddy.
13:50Oh, very true.
13:55You're all related to Charlemagne, it seems.
13:58Computer models have shown that anyone living in the 8th Centre who had plenty of children and grandchildren
14:02is likely to be related to everyone living in Europe today.
14:05So, tell me, what good did the Great Fire of London do?
14:09Be tender.
14:12I'm risking it here, but I don't care. Wiped out the plague.
14:15Oh, dear dear.
14:20It was taught in school, so you've got every reason to think it, but it's just simply not true.
14:24There's no evidence whatsoever.
14:25Apart from anything else, the plague was already over.
14:28Well, yeah, but it sort of wiped out the conditions in which it could have come back.
14:31Not really, because the plague was mostly in the suburbs, not in the city.
14:35The city was not the place that was most affected by the plague, but it was the place that was
14:39destroyed by the fire.
14:40By the time September 1666 happened, which was the fire, there were very few deaths.
14:46It had almost ended. No one quite knows why it ended, but it certainly wasn't the fire.
14:51Did it make it easier for them to knock down a load of places that they've had their eye on?
14:56Essentially, that's the point.
14:57It gave the chance to Christopher Wren to get some church building done, especially St Paul's, of course.
15:03They had lots of grandiose plans about turning London into a grid or a spiral or that,
15:08and then they kind of thought about it for ages and then went, put it back as it was.
15:11Yes.
15:11You know, all squiggly lines and weird corners, please.
15:14Yeah, which we are. It is one of the best.
15:15Yeah, but I think Christopher Wren was a bit depressed about it.
15:18Yeah. Well, the best thing about the Great Fire of London was that it got Wren an opportunity to build
15:23St Paul's.
15:24What it didn't do was clear the city of plague, however.
15:27Now, Samuel Pepys famously buried his Parmesan cheese to protect it from the Great Fire,
15:32but why does cheese taste better when it's grated?
15:37Well, sometimes it does, but if you get one of those catering bags of grated cheese,
15:41if you should be working for a catering company and have to steal one, for example, from the store.
15:46Yes.
15:47What sort of twit would do that?
15:50When you get it home and you put it on your toast, it tastes rank, horrible, dry, skanky old cheese.
15:56Ah, well, that might be because grated cheese, yes, does taste better.
16:01Only freshly grated.
16:02Yeah, freshly grated. It's got more surface area for the tongue.
16:04That's a little stronger.
16:05Well, there's more intense. That's absolutely right.
16:08Well, what about Parmesan?
16:10Yes.
16:10When that's grated, that smells of what?
16:13Cheese.
16:13No.
16:15Have you not noticed?
16:16Vomit.
16:17Vomit, yeah.
16:18Yeah, it does smell of vomit.
16:19And, I mean, it really does.
16:21It has two short-chain fatty acids called butyric and isovalyric acid.
16:25They're sort of sweaty feet chemicals that body odour and various other things have.
16:30And, interestingly, human beings being what they are, if you have two bottles of the same, those two fatty acids
16:36in them,
16:37so identical smell, and you label one Parmesan, and you label the other one vomit,
16:43people will say, oh, I quite like that one, with the Parmesan, and the other one they go, ah, like
16:47that.
16:47I've always seen the thing about Parmesan, you know when you buy Parmesan,
16:50I've never understood why it has a sell-by date on it, because it just never goes off, does it?
16:54You could put it on a rooftop in Nairobi for a year.
16:58It just, it just did nothing. Why, why do they have to have a sell-by date on it?
17:01So that you will destroy it and buy some more.
17:04Oh.
17:04It's like they say, oh, you buy cheese at the supermarket, and it says consume within two days of opening
17:09or something.
17:10Yes.
17:10And you bought it for a vast amount of how much cheese you think I'm going to get through.
17:14Yes.
17:15And why, it's fine.
17:16Yeah.
17:17You know it's fine.
17:17Plus it has a label on it saying 20 years aged.
17:20Yes.
17:21And what, you've sold two days before it's completely inedible.
17:28It is true.
17:29It's gone off already.
17:31I mean, cheese, basically, hasn't it?
17:33Well, that's its point, exactly.
17:34It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styling.
17:38Yeah.
17:39It should just, it should just.
17:43I think you should work with the milk marketing boss.
17:49Get some lovely English milk gone off big time styling.
18:00I'll have a milk gone off from big time styling and tomato sand biscuit.
18:06That's a brilliant description.
18:07That's the best description of cheese in a row.
18:10I was just thinking though, David, rather than having a sell-by date on cheese,
18:13they should just have the date that cheese becomes poisonous.
18:16And then you know when to stop eating it.
18:20Do they know that date when cheese becomes poisonous?
18:23It's a traffic light system.
18:23Is it a global thing, two days before the rapture?
18:27When cheese becomes poisonous.
18:30Well, maybe it's the day they've worked out everyone in the world is related to Peter Andre.
18:35And that's when it becomes poisonous.
18:37Yeah.
18:37Which one people happily eat it and die.
18:41But also, aren't those sell-by-date so just over-cautious aren't they?
18:45You could probably leave it for ages.
18:47Yeah, they're just covering themselves in case you get ill.
18:49Yeah.
18:49Get it out the bin a couple of weeks later.
18:52Put it down your pants, go in the sauna.
18:56Sean.
18:57Sean.
18:57Sean.
18:57Take it out.
18:58Sean, you obviously reshape it again.
19:02Sean.
19:03You're not alone.
19:04There are people here.
19:05Sean.
19:05Sean.
19:06You're saying it out loud.
19:08You're not thinking it.
19:09Sean.
19:11Grated cheese, grated cheese tastes stronger because a greater surface area of the cheese makes contact with your tongue.
19:18Sean.
19:18Now, just how great were the great train robbers?
19:23Well, they're not that great because they got caught.
19:25Well, yeah.
19:26I mean, they got so caught.
19:27They got caught almost immediately.
19:28Yeah.
19:29And they got caught in very stupid ways.
19:30Do you know how they were caught, really?
19:31When they left the...
19:33Well, in the film, anyway.
19:34That's all I know about it.
19:36In the film, when they left, there was a sort of...
19:38What's it called?
19:39Air traffic control tower.
19:41They left...
19:41Didn't they?
19:42They...
19:43They leave that in the film.
19:45Oh, I'm mixing it up with Herbie Rides again.
19:49I think you made it.
19:51No, this was a train robbery, not a plane robbery.
19:53Honestly, for a minute, I did think I knew what it was.
19:56What?
19:59This was in Buckinghamshire in 1963.
20:01August the 8th, 1963, the great train robbery.
20:04It was a lot of money.
20:05About £40 million worth in our turn.
20:07Did they know it was on there or did they get lucky?
20:09Oh, no.
20:09No, they knew.
20:10It was planned.
20:10It was a travelling post office train.
20:13And it was one and five and ten pound used notes
20:16that were on their way to be burned.
20:17So they felt like they were just liberating it, you know?
20:21But when they got caught, they went to this farm
20:24and played Monopoly using stolen money as their Monopoly money.
20:29And then they cleared out and left their fingerprints
20:31over everything, over all the Monopoly set.
20:33And they were all, you know, they all had form.
20:36They were all, you know, known blaggers.
20:38So they were just rounded up, all 12 of the Gang of Fifteen.
20:42One was acquitted, two were never caught.
20:44They were pretty inept is the answer, basically.
20:46So why, that begs the question, were they called great?
20:50Because of the amount of money they nicked?
20:52I think because it was a train robbery.
20:54And there was a great train robbery in America.
20:57And in 1903, the first ever film that was a story
21:02rather than just a camera pointing at nature or people in a park,
21:06but actually a constructed narrative, a drama,
21:09was called the great train robbery.
21:10So it was very famous.
21:11So when there was a train robbery and it was a big one,
21:14the word great naturally fitted in front of it.
21:16You know, it's just like one of those cliches that newspapers will go for.
21:21And they went for that one.
21:22It just sounds like they stole the train.
21:25No, doesn't it?
21:27That would be impressive.
21:28You can't steal a train.
21:30You can't steal a train.
21:31No, well that's because you can't go, it's got rails.
21:33You know where it's going to go.
21:34You can go there more quickly or more slowly,
21:36but it's still going into King's Cross.
21:39If you've got Gromit in the gang.
21:41Yes.
21:43That's true.
21:44He can lay track as he's going along.
21:47Some sort of Gromit-like escape for that,
21:51that would be a great train robbery.
21:53That would.
21:54Who's the most famous of the great train robbers would you say?
21:57Ronnie Bings.
21:57Ronnie Bings, yeah.
21:59And what was his role?
22:00Was he the mastermind?
22:01Is that why he's the best known?
22:03No.
22:04No, he was such a small peg in the whole thing.
22:07Was he the driver?
22:08No, he wasn't even that.
22:09He was inside.
22:10He was doing a stretch for taking and driving away.
22:14And the mastermind of the entire event met him and said,
22:18I'm planning this blag.
22:20I'm planning a game of Monopoly.
22:22Yes.
22:23He's just got to pick something up on the way.
22:26It's my set, I've lost all the fake money.
22:28And the only way of replacing it I can sink on.
22:33I've run Monnington's, they didn't want to know.
22:35Get a new set, they said.
22:37Don't be ridiculous.
22:42Anyway, the mastermind was called Bruce Reynolds.
22:45And he said, if you can find me someone who can drive a train, a diesel train,
22:50I will cut you in on a big job that's going down.
22:56I mean, it's not like somebody who can sort of melt diamonds with their eyes.
23:01It's not even drive a diesel.
23:03Apparently they exist.
23:04Someone.
23:05Someone.
23:07But the amazing thing for David Mitchell is that Biggs found this guy whose nickname was Old Pete or Stan
23:13Agate.
23:14No one knows who he was because he was the one who was never caught.
23:16Oh, was that Old Pete the train driver?
23:17I know.
23:18Yeah.
23:18So his job, after Katie Jones had turned him down.
23:21Yeah.
23:22After this, for being found, Ronnie Biggs got a share worth 147,000, which in today's money is 1.6
23:30million.
23:31And all he had to do, Ronnie Biggs, was get this guy, Old Pete, to the scene.
23:36But this Old Pete got to the train and said, oh, I don't know how to drive that.
23:41Ronnie Biggs still got his share, but the Old Pete was useless.
23:44He couldn't drive a train.
23:45He'd be lying all the time.
23:47I like the idea that Old Pete's like those actors who put on their CV.
23:50Yes, I can horse ride.
23:52Yes.
23:53I can drive a train.
23:55I speak Mandarin, too.
23:58Straight through China, no problem at all.
24:01Modern dance.
24:02That's how he found them.
24:03He went through Spotlight.
24:04Yes, yes.
24:05And the other, apparently, he was very well-reviewed.
24:07Yes, much to do about nothing.
24:09And he's trained in modern dance.
24:11That could come in handy.
24:14You sound like you're quite fond of them.
24:16No, I'm not fond of them.
24:17They had a sort of missing role.
24:18Yes.
24:19But I like the fact they were bunglingly incompetent.
24:21Yes, yeah, yeah.
24:21They weren't as evil, perhaps, as they've been portrayed.
24:23No, no, exactly.
24:25Some people like villains.
24:26There's a cafe near me, and it does bangers and mash and the old-fashioned English grub.
24:29And then, on the menus, they've got, one menu's got Sid James and Barbara Windsor in a carry-on film.
24:35And then there's Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, just dressed up in their overcoats.
24:39And then, on the third one, is the Cray Twins.
24:42Right.
24:43Jerky cultural icons, great comedians of the 60s, and notorious maimers and murderers.
24:49Yeah.
24:49It is odd, isn't it?
24:51It's very strange.
24:53Well, the great train robbers weren't particularly great.
24:55Most of them were caught because they left fingerprints on the Monopoly set at the safe house.
24:59From criminal bungling to a great scientific mystery, why did it take 300 years to give the giant tortoise a
25:06scientific name?
25:08A scientific name?
25:09Yeah, i.e. the Latin name, it turned out to be called Geo-Colonia, you know.
25:14Is it because they just thought that was pretty good, giant tortoise?
25:17We'll leave it with that.
25:18Yeah.
25:19Yeah.
25:20Yeah?
25:21No, I was going to say something about it, which now it's unusable.
25:25I'm going to have to say it.
25:26No, I thought.
25:27How was it, man?
25:28They thought...
25:33This better be good.
25:34They thought it was a normal tortoise, but it's closer, is what I was going to say.
25:38It's exclusive to me.
25:39But I couldn't get that concept.
25:41It's like, would it be actually further away in a normal one?
25:43A normal one further away would be actually a minute one.
25:46Would they mistake a quite far away normal one for a miniaturised one?
25:50That's a bit...
25:51Or...
25:51The thing that you're saying is that the tortoise...
25:55It's just...
25:56It's a bit further away if they say...
25:58Oh, I like it.
26:00Oh, that way.
26:00If there was like a tortoise over there that was giant,
26:03but I, for some reason, thought it was just there,
26:06then I wouldn't think it was giant.
26:08I'd think it was just...
26:08Oh, there's just one there.
26:09It was just a normal tortoise there.
26:11No, nothing about that.
26:12Oh, my God, it's over there!
26:13And in fact...
26:14It would have to be on a huge beach with no other points of reference.
26:17Well, yes, exactly.
26:18Yeah, exactly.
26:19That's not the reason.
26:20Okay.
26:21Are they particularly litigious?
26:24If you give me a name, I'll sue you.
26:28No, it wasn't that.
26:29It's a nice thought to get.
26:30No, they had another property which was most unfortunate for them to have.
26:33What, the tortoises did?
26:35Yeah, yeah.
26:35They were edible.
26:35They were so edible.
26:38Anyone, I mean...
26:40Anyone who saw one couldn't stop to think of a name for it.
26:43They just had to eat it straight away.
26:45We eat one of those.
26:46Yeah.
26:46Oh, they're cool.
26:47There's no...
26:48You know...
26:48Just get one, they're really...
26:50Very good.
26:52That's it.
26:52That's it.
26:52There's no Latin name for the pistachio nut.
26:56We just call them dinner.
26:56That's it.
26:57No one can be bothered.
26:58Just shut up with your Latin.
26:59Eat them, they're brilliant.
27:00I think that's what happened.
27:01No Latin name for Maltesers.
27:03None of them made it to you.
27:10It's kind of true.
27:11None of them made it to London.
27:13None of them made it to Europe.
27:15Now this time, this time, we're going to take it and we'll take London.
27:20Leave it.
27:21No.
27:21I haven't taken it back.
27:24The ferry coming into Dover, there's a bloke going...
27:30leaving the door where the tortoise is, then.
27:35All right, look.
27:37Take nine of them.
27:38We'll eat eight.
27:40Absolutely.
27:41That's it.
27:42Now everyone's looking at it.
27:44Come on.
27:45Come on.
27:45The seas are calm.
27:47The days are there and the seas are calm.
27:49There's one tortoise left.
27:51Can you imagine...
27:51Come on, we'll go back.
27:53Let's just go back and get some more.
27:56Imagine the moment after they've eaten that last water.
27:59They're sitting there thinking, we are twats.
28:04Even on...
28:05I'm too full.
28:07Even Darwin on Darwin's last bloke.
28:11There were dozens.
28:12There were dozens of them.
28:13He collected every species in the world.
28:14He ate that one.
28:15They ate that one.
28:16They did.
28:17Not all those.
28:18Not all the butterflies.
28:19Not all the beetles.
28:19The only descriptions of them are comparing them to chicken, beef, mutton and butter
28:25and saying they're how much better they are than all of those things.
28:29No one who'd ever eaten tortoise had ever eaten anything better.
28:33They said...
28:33And the liver and the bone marrow.
28:35Every part of it was unbelievably delicious.
28:38Whereabouts are they from?
28:39Well, from the tropics must be.
28:40Are there flights over there?
28:45They are all protected.
28:47All 12 species.
28:48I bet they're not that delicious they can't be.
28:51They say, yeah, we're protected and they're all in there.
28:53No need to look.
28:55Yeah, we are.
28:56We're all fresh.
28:57Oops!
28:59Yeah, they're fine.
29:01There's a border around them like North Korea.
29:03Yeah.
29:03There's a big part of shells, like those piles of tyres you see in the scrapyard.
29:08Yeah.
29:09But it...
29:10There were some that survived, however.
29:12And let me tell you about a very extraordinary one.
29:14That bloke there, he's just befriending that one.
29:16He said, yeah, come over here, my pretty.
29:19I'm trying to think...
29:20I'm trying to think of a name for you.
29:22Get your...
29:25But, they are amazing animals, apart from how delicious they are.
29:28Advaita, died in 2006.
29:31And he was Clive of India's pet.
29:34There he is.
29:34Oh, they're 200 years old or something.
29:36255.
29:37He was born before Mozart, before the French Revolution,
29:40and his death was announced on CNN.
29:42I mean, that's a heck of a life, isn't it?
29:43And you can list his achievements on the back of a slam.
29:46Well, why would he need to achieve that?
29:48His principal achievement is...
29:49He lived 255 years.
29:52People think probably the oldest living creature,
29:54because they don't live so long out of captivity like most animals.
29:57And he was, you know, well cared for.
29:58But, that is a pretty astonishing life span.
30:00It is quite...
30:01So, it lived 255 years, and is massive.
30:05I mean, I've achieved 50% of that.
30:08That's so great.
30:10There are 12 species of them, all of them endangered.
30:12Well, one...
30:12Do they all taste nice?
30:13Well, I don't know.
30:15But it's very sad that they...
30:17So many were...
30:18Other species were, you know, blistered and wiped out,
30:21just because they were so lovely.
30:22Not only that, they were also used as water stores.
30:25It sounds a weird thing,
30:25but they have a special kind of internal bladder that stores water so perfectly
30:28that it's drinkable.
30:30When you slit them open to cook them,
30:32you also get, you know, like a gallon of fresh water.
30:35Wow.
30:35So they would stack them up on boats, tons of them.
30:38They'd be stacked up, one on the other, and they couldn't move.
30:40And they didn't need to be fed for months,
30:42so that they actually contributed a lot to whaling and other things,
30:46because they were used as a foodstuff and a water supply
30:49that was just kind of permanent water.
30:51Because you've got the water as well.
30:52And imagine if you smash the shell open,
30:53there's like a little toy in there, like a kinder.
30:58Like a little game, you've got to get the balls in the hole.
31:02So how do they exist in the wild anyway?
31:05They're so delicious and slow-moving and massive and useful.
31:10They didn't have any natural predators until man discovered them, basically.
31:13So they were evolutionarily complacent.
31:15They weren't exactly like a lot of island species.
31:17They're a lot like that.
31:18And it's only man who crosses islands in the way we do who does it.
31:22Like all those ridiculous flightless birds on New Zealand.
31:24Yeah.
31:25Essentially, they got lazy.
31:26Yeah.
31:27They got lazy.
31:27What's the point of flying?
31:28Some of them go, we'll need it one day.
31:30I bet we'll need it one day.
31:31Nah.
31:32You're too anal, you are.
31:35Just walk around, it's easier.
31:38Yeah.
31:39Anyway, despite being discovered in 1535,
31:41giant tortoises weren't properly catalogued by science until the early 19th century
31:45because they were so delicious that no samples ever made it back home.
31:48Now, to another puzzling giant,
31:50if a giant panda does a handstand in front of you,
31:54what's he trying to tell you?
31:57Put some money in the hat.
32:00Nice thought.
32:02There's a human in a costume.
32:05Well, pandas...
32:06Go away, come nearer, be afraid of me, leave me alone.
32:09Yes, it's that kind of thing.
32:10They have to eat 12 hours a day.
32:12So they haven't got much time for rutting and fighting.
32:15So the best they can do is they can urinate and mark out their territory.
32:20And the handstand is one of their most popular methods of urination.
32:24Would you like to see a panda?
32:25I would, definitely.
32:26Doing a handstand and urinating.
32:27That's why I like the bloke doing it.
32:30Yeah.
32:31Oh!
32:32There he goes.
32:33Oh!
32:35Oh!
32:35He's rather missed the tree, unfortunately.
32:38It's not a very accurate thing.
32:39You know, I think...
32:40He's supposed to hit the tree, but he...
32:42Oh, good.
32:42He's gonna run and run.
32:43Excellent.
32:43Yeah.
32:44It's on a loop.
32:45For a creature that is incredibly busy eating,
32:48Yeah.
32:48There are more efficient ways of pissing than that.
32:51Yeah.
32:52I suppose...
32:53The point is, you see, the higher you piss, the more dominant you are.
32:57So the other male comes along and if he sniffs the wee quite low down on the tree,
33:03he thinks, ah, it's a wuss.
33:04But if it's very, very high, he goes, woo, I'm not going anywhere near that.
33:07That's a wuss.
33:08I'm afraid it won't, apparently.
33:09Because he missed the tree, I'm afraid, this one.
33:11Well, he's trying to piss on the camera man.
33:12He's doing what he's doing.
33:14Get off my land.
33:16Yeah.
33:17It's not really a proper handstand, though, is it?
33:20Well, no, he's...
33:21He's leaning against the tree.
33:22I think that's cheating.
33:23I was expecting a proper performing counter.
33:25Oh, I'm so sorry.
33:26Well, they are, as you probably know, an endangered species.
33:30Are they delicious?
33:31I...
33:32Oh, dear.
33:32Look, hope not.
33:34Only the ears.
33:35Oh, no.
33:36Please, little pandy.
33:38The odd thing is, it's a fairly recent discovery, San Diego Zoo,
33:41is that they don't need Viagra, they don't need these...
33:43This whole idea of, gosh, how do you get two pandas in captivity to breed.
33:47It's discovered if they swap cages and smell each other's secretions and weed,
33:52they're up for it.
33:53So they really don't breed any more reluctantly than any other type of bear.
33:58They're actually perfectly good.
34:00So maybe there's hope for the future.
34:02Well, for years we didn't know how to get them to do it in public, in zoos and things like
34:06that.
34:07We weren't providing them with the territory.
34:09So that's why these discoveries are very important,
34:11that these things that look quite comic, like the peeing or whatever,
34:14are actually vital to the survival of their species.
34:16They look fake, don't they?
34:18I mean, they really do.
34:20Of all the animals, they look fake.
34:21Yeah.
34:22You look like a bloke in a bear suit.
34:26Don't give it away.
34:28My name's Jeff.
34:30It would take me quite a few years before I was prepared to have sex in a zoo.
34:35Yeah.
34:36Exactly.
34:37Remember, this is a world in which it's not creatures of your species who'd be watching.
34:43So you're in a cage, invited to have sex, it's only pandas watching.
34:47In front of people.
34:48Would you feel embarrassed in front of the pandas?
34:50I don't like to take my pants off in front of a cat.
34:56No, I'm sure you don't like to take your pants off.
34:59That would be odd.
35:00Would you actually mind?
35:02I do.
35:02He goes out of the door, then the pants come off.
35:06Do you know what I mean?
35:07I usually put a tea towel over the goldfish.
35:12Right.
35:12Good.
35:13Nice to know.
35:15Thanks.
35:16If a panda does a handstand in front of you, he's telling you you're on his land.
35:19Then do this to get their scent markings as high up a tree as possible.
35:22And with that, it's time for the great test of general ignorance.
35:25So fingers on buzzers, if you please.
35:27Now, how did Catherine the Great die?
35:31That's quite famous how she died.
35:32Fortunately, I don't know.
35:33She would?
35:33She didn't have sex with a horse.
35:37Correct.
35:39She...
35:40Died on a commode.
35:42Oh!
35:43Oh, no, that was...
35:47Oh, dear.
35:49Oh, dear.
35:50You're on fine court.
35:51Well, commode, Lou.
35:54There are others, of course.
35:55Elvis Presley was said to have died that way.
35:57George II died at stool.
35:59Stool?
36:00At stool is how they described it, rather splendidly, straining away.
36:04No, Catherine, she did have a stroke on the loo, on the commode.
36:09But she died in bed.
36:10Is that you familiar?
36:11Yes.
36:15I'm having a stroke on the commode.
36:18We'll leave you there, love, for a minute.
36:22She did have sex with horses, though.
36:23No, she didn't.
36:24No.
36:25That horse's head is too small.
36:27Yeah, they did paint them like that, didn't they?
36:30That's really odd.
36:30It's a very odd 18th century thing, painting horses with small heads.
36:33She never had sex with one horse.
36:36Not...
36:36Donkey?
36:37It was sort of made up, nor a donkey.
36:39She did it with lots of courtiers.
36:41She was a very sexy...
36:42It's not quite the same, though, is it?
36:43No, it's not, no.
36:44Yeah, yeah.
36:44But her son, Paul, who hated it, became Paul the first, the Tsar.
36:48He spread that rumour, I believe.
36:49He spread the rumour.
36:49And the French were also responsible for spreading it.
36:52They had to...
36:52My mum, right?
36:55That's right.
36:56That's right.
36:56What she's done right.
36:57My mum.
36:58Never believe it.
37:00She'd have sex with a horse.
37:03That's why I'm so good at show jumping.
37:08Anyway, despite all the salacious gossip, Catherine died in bed where she was being cared for following a stroke.
37:14In cold weather, where does most of your heat escape from?
37:20Er...
37:20Er...
37:22Er...
37:22Oh, in your head.
37:23What?
37:24Your head.
37:25Oh, really?
37:26Yes.
37:28It's totally 75%, that's what I've been told.
37:31No.
37:32Is it not just the fact that your head is a bit of you that is more sort of naked?
37:36Well, that's right, if it is, but only 10% of your heat.
37:38You're actually, if your arm was exposed, more would escape from your arm than from your head.
37:42If people went around with bare buttocks a lot, they would say, in the cold you really should put on
37:47a buttock hat.
37:48Because you lose 90% of your heat through your buttocks.
37:50No, ridiculous.
37:51No need these days to cover your buttocks all the time.
37:53In the same way everyone used to wear hats.
37:55Now they go around bareheaded a lot.
37:56Yeah.
37:57I'm glad my, er...
37:58Well, it sounds wrong with this, but I'm glad my grandmother's dead.
38:00Because that would blow...
38:02It would blow her mind.
38:04That would...
38:05I'm not glad she's dead.
38:06No.
38:08It's sad she's dead.
38:09But it's still a long time ago, so...
38:10You're glad she...
38:11This doesn't affect it at all.
38:12No.
38:12You're glad she isn't here to hear that.
38:14Yes.
38:14Yeah.
38:15Also, at the same time, it was a shame she never saw me on a plane sitting next to Lionel
38:19Blair.
38:19That would have been a lovely moment.
38:22That's what happened to you.
38:23She died before I was able to tell her that.
38:25She would have seen that as the absolute pinnacle of human achievement.
38:30So...
38:30And so it is.
38:31Yeah, it's very nice.
38:33There's nothing special about your head and heat loss.
38:36On a cold day, you would lose more heat through an exposed leg or arm than a bare head.
38:40What was the lingua franca of ancient Rome?
38:44Great ball of fire!
38:46Uh, Dutch.
38:48I knew that's not going to come up.
38:50Yeah, very good, yeah.
38:52See, that's where you've got to think, Joe.
38:53You've got to think what they wouldn't put up.
38:55Cheers, Sean.
38:56Beat and Platin.
38:58Oh!
39:03I did that deliberately.
39:05Yeah, I know!
39:06At this point it makes...
39:07Which is going for the record.
39:08Yeah, it makes no difference.
39:09You're so slow at.
39:11It's like shooting the moon when you play Hearts or one of those games.
39:13Oh, it's such a brilliant game.
39:15Isn't it?
39:15What does lingua franca mean?
39:16When people get together, it's a language that is commonly used as like everybody's second language, as it were.
39:23Is it Greek?
39:24Yes, it is Greek.
39:25It's the right answer.
39:27Greek is the language that people would use in Rome if they weren't Latin speakers.
39:32Finally, how many men have been president of the United States?
39:37Oh, it's 46 or something.
39:39Well, shall we ask the great man himself?
39:41Shall we ask the current president?
39:43Is he here?
39:43Is he here tonight?
39:45Ladies and gentlemen.
39:46What a waste of a guest.
39:51I'm glad he's given up my seat.
39:53I think it's that in the audience for this one.
39:55Here he is, the president, but which number of the United States?
39:59He's here to tell us.
40:00I thank President Bush for his service to our nation.
40:08As well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
40:1644 Americans have now taken the presidential oath.
40:21Wrong.
40:23He's wrong.
40:26He's wrong, he made a mistake.
40:28He's only been on once and he's wrong already.
40:30He is currently known as the 44th, just as Bush was known as the 43rd.
40:35But they aren't.
40:36Bush was the 42nd and he is the 43rd.
40:40Do you know why this is?
40:41One of them was invisible.
40:43Was there someone who was president for a bit and then stopped being president and then came back?
40:48There was one non-consecutive president who was the 22nd and the 24th.
40:52Why did they count him as two?
40:54That doesn't make any sense, but yet they count Clinton as one.
40:56Yeah, because he's terms of consecutive.
40:59This one was the 22nd, then when Harrison was president and then he was the 24th.
41:04This was Grover Cleveland.
41:05I think if I was doing that, if I was setting that system up, I would have gone for the
41:10number of different men.
41:11I would say, you know, that you get a new number if you're a different man.
41:15Not if there was a gap.
41:16No, I know, but there's only ever been one gap and for some reason they didn't do that.
41:20So when he took his second oath, he was called the 24th president, although he was the same man who'd
41:25been the 22nd.
41:26No, he was actually Stalin.
41:27He was? He does look at the 22nd.
41:29Yeah.
41:30So not only did he rule Russia, kill millions of people, he was two presidents of the United States.
41:37It's a weird system, isn't it?
41:38That's a CV.
41:39It's quite a bombshell.
41:40Now we know what he was doing in between presidents.
41:42Yeah.
41:43Exactly.
41:44Barack Obama is in fact the 43rd person to become president of the United States because Grover Cleveland held the
41:49position twice for the four-year break in between.
41:51Making him the 22nd and the 24th president of the United States.
41:54It's a great shame, but that is the end of the show and time to look at the scores.
41:58Well, my word, my word, my word, my word.
42:03In first place, with four points, it's David Mitchell.
42:12In second place, in second place, with plus two, is Alan Davis.
42:20In third place, with minus six, Sean Locke.
42:25Oh, thank you very much.
42:29But, in fourth place, with minus ten, it's Barack Obama.
42:36Barack, where are you?
42:39Minus ten, which means tonight in fifth place, with a very impressive minus forty-six, Joe Brand.
42:49Joe, it only remains to say thank you from David, Sean, Joe, Alan and me, and to leave you with
43:00this thought from the great Jack Handy.
43:02Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
43:07That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
43:11Good night.
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