- 3 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf II -Series 1-E14
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:54Stand by, she's coming round.
01:03Vigil down, radar down, what's happening?
01:05Something's knocked out the entire desk.
01:14What are you looking at me like that for?
01:16You've just unplugged the console.
01:18Right, I'm blow-drying my hair.
01:21We're tracking a UFO.
01:22Oh, you're tracking a UFO, so I have to sit around looking like the Bride of Frankenstein?
01:28And there's another socket.
01:30This is beyond belief.
01:31A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room.
01:35There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Cat.
01:38They're all taken up with your beauty aids.
01:39Now use a wall socket.
01:41What?
01:42Unplug my hot wax strip unsightly hair remover?
01:46Yes, unplug your hot wax strip unsightly hair remover.
01:50I don't believe this.
01:52We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line.
01:58It's back bearing zero and I have zero and just one percent.
02:01One percent more size.
02:02I see it about that tool.
02:08All right.
02:09Okay.
02:10I'll use gel.
02:11Everybody happy?
02:14Stabilize pitch reduce corrective.
02:19What the hell is he?
02:21I have no idea, sir.
02:22The craft does not appear to be of Earth construction.
02:26Aliens.
02:26They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
02:29What?
02:29That's what they do.
02:30All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
02:33Ah, snag.
02:34That's all we need.
02:35Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania six five thousand.
02:39Right open communication channels.
02:43We don't want it.
02:45Go away.
02:46If you took it, you can keep the snag.
02:53How deliciously bizarre.
02:55The hull's molecular structure conforms to no known element.
02:58Whoever or whatever made this thing had access to a technology far in advance of our own.
03:04Okay, look.
03:04Let's split up.
03:06Why?
03:06Why should we split up?
03:07Well, we'll do the sage quick.
03:08What's the hurry?
03:09Have you got some major luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?
03:13What's your problem?
03:14I'm not teaming up with him.
03:16Me?
03:16What's wrong with me?
03:17You're totally egocentric.
03:19You flee at the first sign of trouble.
03:20You only look after number one.
03:22You're vain.
03:22You're selfish.
03:23You're narcissistic.
03:24And you're self-obsessed.
03:25He just listed all my best features.
03:28I'm going with Brighton.
03:30Come on, Kat.
03:39Uh, Brighton, you take Point.
03:41I've seen those movies.
03:42It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first.
03:44You take the front.
03:45Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience, it's usually the poor fellow
03:48who's bringing up the rear that gets picked up first, so the others aren't aware they're
03:52under attack.
03:53You're right.
03:53You're right.
03:54Can you take the front and the back so I can go in the middle?
03:57I'll do my best, sir.
04:13Go, Brighton.
04:14We found something, sir.
04:16Yeah?
04:17I think it's one of the crew.
04:18The hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it.
04:23It fell through a river as we opened the lift door.
04:26Is he all right?
04:28I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
04:31All right, Brighton.
04:32You don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboy git.
04:35I'm fine now.
04:37So shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
04:40Is that thing still on?
04:42Hey, look at this.
04:44Hey, don't mess around with that, man.
04:45We don't know what it does.
04:46I'm just taking a look.
04:48Cheers, man.
04:49Brilliant.
04:49I'm trapped.
04:51Get me out of this thing.
04:52Be cool.
04:53Stay slinky.
04:54I'm on the case here.
04:55I remember the sequence.
04:56It was red, blue, yellow.
04:58No.
04:59Blue, yellow, red.
05:04What the smack is that?
05:07Curious.
05:08The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
05:11He's got three heads.
05:14Wait.
05:15Here's some kind of wallet.
05:17Oh, the artifacts are human.
05:18A pilot's license, ID, even a video club card.
05:22Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognize him?
05:26He's got six eyes and three noses.
05:28If it were me, I'd remember him.
05:30Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?
05:33I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here.
05:38Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
05:41Language trace completed.
05:43Dialect, English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.
05:47Look, do nothing.
05:47Press nothing.
05:48Just go and get Crichton.
05:49Wait.
05:49I think I got it.
05:52Transmogrification sequence initiated.
05:55Maybe not.
05:57Transmograph for what?
05:58Gene sample accepted and cloned.
06:01Please key in new genetic structure.
06:03Do nothing.
06:04Press nothing.
06:06Get Crichton.
06:07Hey, you think I can't handle this on my own?
06:09I have to rush off and get novelty.
06:11Calm down my head to bail you out.
06:13I got you into this.
06:15I'll get you out.
06:16Get Crichton.
06:17Relax, would you?
06:19I know what I'm doing.
06:20New genetic structure accepted.
06:23Metamorphosis in 10 seconds and counting.
06:28I got a good idea.
06:30Why don't I go and get Crichton?
06:31Look, forget Crichton.
06:33Just press the pads.
06:34Any pads, stop this.
06:36Sequence complete.
06:47Are you okay?
06:48We detected a massive power surge in this sector.
06:51Where's Lister?
06:55That's Lister?
06:57What can I say except...
06:58Whoops.
07:00What is it?
07:01Best guess?
07:02Some kind of DNA modifier,
07:04designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
07:07This would explain our triple-headed friend back there.
07:10So what does it do?
07:11Every single cell in your body contains DNA,
07:14which is a series of genetic instructions telling your body how to grow.
07:17It's like a small computer program that chooses the color of your eyes,
07:21tells your nose what shape to be, designates your sex, your height, everything, even your lifespan.
07:26This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.
07:29So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing by altering its molecular structure?
07:35Precisely.
07:36It turned Lister into a chicken.
07:38So it seems.
07:40The question is, can we turn him back again?
07:43The question is, do we want to?
07:46Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.
07:49It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
07:51Listy!
07:54It's incredible, it really is him.
07:56Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
07:59Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward hexidecimal layout.
08:03Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
08:09That's not it, is it?
08:12Let's start from the top.
08:13What happened here, exactly?
08:15I was pressing the pads.
08:17I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
08:19And then this thing came down.
08:21So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons,
08:23and then this boy said,
08:25Transmogrification sequence engaged.
08:27Right!
08:28So I pressed some more buttons, and then it says...
08:30Please key in new genetic structure.
08:33That's it, exactly!
08:34Can't stop!
08:35There is no need to engage your panic chip, sir.
08:38The machine can only operate on organic life.
08:40I am mineral, and therefore immune.
08:42New genetic structure accepted.
08:44Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
08:47Oh, wait a minute.
08:48No.
08:49My brain is part organic,
08:51and therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.
08:56Engage panic circuits.
08:58Panic circuits engaged.
09:00Yoo-hoo!
09:06Are you okay?
09:08Yeah, I think so.
09:10What was it like being a hamster?
09:12It was better than being a chicken.
09:14I mean, you see the size of an egg.
09:16You see the size of a chicken's bum.
09:17That's all the cooking was about.
09:19I was trying to say in chicken talk,
09:21for God's sake, give me an epidural.
09:25Let's get frighten back.
09:26Press what you press for Lister.
09:34My heavens.
09:36I'm human.
09:39Yeah, but you lost your looks.
09:44I'm human.
09:45My greatest dream come true.
09:46For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.
09:49I'm experiencing one now.
09:51I'm in happiness mode.
09:52I've never experienced anything like it before.
09:54Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a front-loading washing machine.
10:00I'm alive!
10:10How's he doing, Hull?
10:12Physically, he's fine.
10:13He's got the body of a perfectly normal 30-year-old human male.
10:16Apparently.
10:19Is he all right?
10:20Well, it'll take a little while to adjust.
10:22Everything's a bit new.
10:28Greetings, fellow human.
10:29Ah!
10:30Breakfast, my very first meal.
10:32Boiled chicken ovulations.
10:34Delicious.
10:36How you coping, man?
10:37Any problems?
10:38Well, just one or two.
10:39In fact, I've compiled a little list, if you'll indulge me.
10:42Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
10:47No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
10:49Well, then how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
10:54Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
10:59I see.
11:00Move your head closer.
11:03Hmm.
11:03To the object.
11:04All right, okay.
11:05Well, what about other optical effects like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?
11:11No, we don't have them.
11:12You don't have them?
11:13Just the zoom?
11:15Hmm.
11:16Well, no, that's fine.
11:17That's great.
11:18No, that's really great.
11:19That's great.
11:19Now, then, uh, my nipples don't work.
11:25In what way don't work?
11:27Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature,
11:32while the left nipple nut was used mainly to pick up shortwave radio transmissions.
11:37Now, what I'm saying is no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can seem to pick up jazz FM.
11:43Human nipples don't do that quite.
11:46I see.
11:46Fine.
11:47Ah, now, recharging.
11:48Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge, they do it much the same way mechanoids do.
11:53Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason,
11:58it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.
12:04Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor?
12:07Because no matter what I do, the lead just keeps falling out.
12:14Right, we eat and sleep.
12:16That's our way of recharging.
12:18Ah, hmm.
12:19Ah, yes.
12:20Now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
12:22Something about, um, well, something I know that we humans get a little embarrassed about.
12:26It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about
12:30in polite conversation.
12:32Crichton, I'm an enlightened 23rd century guy.
12:34Spit it out, man.
12:36Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
12:45I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode.
12:49Aren't we both two human adults?
12:51Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
12:56Yeah, of course we can.
13:05Well?
13:06Well, what?
13:07Well, what do you think?
13:09I'm not quite with you here, Crichton.
13:10What am I supposed to say?
13:11I want to know, is that normal?
13:13What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
13:17No, it's not.
13:19Well, it's, but is it supposed to look like that?
13:23Well, yeah.
13:24But it's hideous.
13:27That's the best design they could come up with?
13:29Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said,
13:32Ah, there.
13:33That's it.
13:34That's the shape we're looking for.
13:35The last chicken in the shop look.
13:38Shakespeare had one.
13:40Einstein.
13:41Perry Como sang,
13:42Memories are made of this with one of those stashed in his slacks.
13:47Well, yeah.
13:47No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.
13:51Now, take a look at this.
13:55And this.
13:57And this.
14:04Now, why do you suppose that happened?
14:09What were you thinking of at the time?
14:12Well, nothing in particular, sir.
14:14I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue.
14:19I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners
14:22and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
14:27You see, man.
14:29You're neither one thing or the other.
14:32You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
14:36It was a triple bag easy glide vac with turbo suction in a self-emptying dust bag.
14:43I don't care what model it was.
14:46No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double Polaroid.
14:52Do yourself a favor, man. Change back.
14:54Back? Become one of those poor, sappy, sad act mechanoids again?
14:57This is my dream.
14:59Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.
15:01Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb?
15:05I don't know.
15:06Twelve. And you know why?
15:07Why?
15:08Because they're so stupid.
15:11Isn't that the greatest joke?
15:13I've got another one.
15:14Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?
15:31Man, this is a totally whacked out idea. It's never gonna work.
15:35That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work?
15:38The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
15:40You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
15:44Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.
15:48But a man made from dandruff? That's never gonna work.
15:51The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
15:55I won't be made of dandruff. My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
16:01How's Cretan?
16:03Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is decline, politely.
16:09I bet he can't believe his luck. He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain. He's a human.
16:15What's so big about being human?
16:17Listie, don't knock it till you've tried it.
16:21Just don't trust that machine, man.
16:23Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I'm from the school of belief
16:26if God had antennas to fly, you wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.
16:31Okay, that machine might be able to cure diseases and stuff,
16:33but you shouldn't use it to change them into what you're not.
16:36You are what you are.
16:38Wasn't it Descartes who said, I am what I am?
16:42No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
16:44Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.
16:47And I think what he was trying to say was, you've got to stay true to what you are.
16:51Oh, here we go. Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.
16:55That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.
17:01Greater than fire. Greater than the wheel.
17:03What about the dude with three heads? What happened to him?
17:06Well, he abused it.
17:07You're right, yeah. Someone always does.
17:09Are you too seriously suggesting you're not going to use it?
17:12There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve?
17:14Me?
17:15Are you serious?
17:18Most people leave their bodies to medical science.
17:20I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, babe.
17:23At some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else.
17:27This has gone back years, years, before the accident.
17:30Kachansky had just finished with me and I was feeling really pony.
17:33Saw him for a walk in the botanical gardens and I saw this squirrel climbing up and down a tree
17:37collecting nuts.
17:38And it stopped and it looked at me and I thought, you lucky little sod.
17:42You like your job. You're your own boss and you've got no woman's rubble.
17:46So you'll never feel as bad as I feel now.
17:48And at that moment, for a split second, I would have given anything, anything to swap places with him.
17:54Ah, that's awful, man.
17:55When a woman screws you up so bad, you want to become a squirrel.
18:00It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun.
18:04So, Lister, what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel?
18:07Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself Nutkin?
18:12What I'm telling you, Rimmett, is that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.
18:18And if Crichton thinks it's going to solve all his problems, then he's in for a major, I repeat, major
18:23disappointment.
18:26Achoo!
18:35The most wonderful thing has happened. We found this machine and it's made me human.
18:41You're a human now?
18:42That's right, Sparehead One. Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true.
18:47What's it like?
18:48It's indescribable, Sparehead Two.
18:50True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, and there's no zoom, the nipples don't work,
18:55and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like food machines.
19:00But that apart, it's all going well.
19:02What about us? It was my turn to be main head next month.
19:06Well, obviously that's no longer possible. Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid. I'm not second class anymore.
19:11What about Sparehead Three? You can't just leave him here. He's got droid rot.
19:16I don't need no bugger to look after me. I may be half run with silicon visits. My voice units
19:20may be shocked to buggery, but I don't need sympathy from the likes of him.
19:24Well, I'll still come and visit. I won't forget you. Where have you been for the past four days?
19:29Hey, I've been busy.
19:30I've been busy swankin' round with his new central nervous system and his poncy new eight valve heart laddie downing
19:36with all his fancy new human friends.
19:38Oh, Sparehead Three, what do you know about anything?
19:41Oh, hark at him, ordering his own heads around.
19:44I may be 30,000 years old, and my circuit boards may have gone bandy, but I'll tell you this
19:49for now.
19:50You came into this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid you'll always be.
19:54I don't have to take this from you. I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head.
20:00Crichton, I don't believe you just said that.
20:02I don't even know why I came here. What a waste of time.
20:06I think you should leave now, Crichton. There's nothing more to say.
20:09Aye, sling your bloody own. Go on, clear off.
20:13And what about you, Sparehand One? How do you feel?
20:20Greetings, fellow human.
20:22Oh, fellow human. How hollow those words sound now.
20:26What's eating human?
20:28Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions.
20:31One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.
20:33What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.
20:38The depression's there for a reason.
20:40It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.
20:43Wrong? What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
20:46Oh, yeah?
20:46No, I've done the most terrible thing. I've hurt my own kind.
20:50I've made fun of those closest to me. I've been a complete and total Polaroid head.
20:55You've had your head up your recharge socket.
20:59Agreed. And you've known all along.
21:02Yeah, well, I did something similar once.
21:05Sold out.
21:08You sold out?
21:10Yeah.
21:11Look, this is between me and you, okay, Crichton?
21:13Mm-hmm.
21:15Once, many years ago, I went into a wine bar.
21:23That's it? You went into a wine bar?
21:25Okay, keep it down, keep it down.
21:27I don't want the whole world to know.
21:29Well, what's so bad about going into a WB?
21:33It means I was a class traitor.
21:36I could have been on that slippery slope,
21:38hankering after pine kitchens,
21:40sleeping on futons, eating tapas.
21:43Who knows where it could have led?
21:45I could have started having relationships with people instead of going out with them.
21:48Got married.
21:50Got on the property ladder.
21:52God almighty, who knows where it could have ended?
21:54Next thing you know, I'm playing squash every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald.
21:59Lucky escape, man. Lucky escape.
22:02I've been thinking, sir, I want to be a mechanoid again.
22:05It's what I always have been, what I always will be.
22:08And no bad thing.
22:09Let's do it.
22:11Right, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye.
22:14He said a really profound thing.
22:15What did he say?
22:16He said, I am what I am.
22:19Are you sure? I always thought that was Descartes.
22:22So did I, man.
22:23It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.
22:30What do you reckon, Hol?
22:31I reckon, I got it sussed.
22:33I reckon we should try it first.
22:35What with?
22:35Well, just need anything organic.
22:38Hey, don't look at me.
22:39I'm not looking at you, I'm looking at that foil container.
22:41Lister's curry.
22:42It's dead, it's organic.
22:43If we can change a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo,
22:46we'll know it's safe for Creighton.
22:48Nice idea, go post-head.
22:51Let's try it.
22:53Sure, I was enjoying that.
22:57Gene sample accepted and cloned.
23:00Metamorphosis in progress.
23:11What a smeg, is he?
23:13What have we created?
23:15We've created the mutton vindaloo beast.
23:18Half man, half extra Indian curry.
23:21Okay, you go, I'll cover you.
23:25Seriously?
23:26No.
23:35I don't believe I'm running away from a psychopathic curry van.
23:39Is he still following us?
23:41Can't you smell us?
23:42He's right behind us.
23:49Remember last Easter, twelve months ago to the day, the polymorph?
23:52That's right.
23:52You were attacked by a killer's charming kebab.
23:55How can the same smeg happen to the same guy twice?
23:58Last time it was hors d'oeuvres, this time it's lunch.
24:01Keep burning death and kiss your ugly ass goodbye beast twice!
24:09Don't ask them here, the DNA spit, I've got an idea!
24:23Olly, I'm only going to ask you this to once, I want the truth.
24:25Can you make this machine work without any mistakes?
24:28Yeah, I know what I did wrong last time.
24:30It's a mistake any deranged half-footed computer could have made.
24:34Look, I can do it. Give me a chance.
24:36Olly, that creature's virtually indestructible.
24:38There's only one way to beat it.
24:41Tamians were superhuman.
24:43Man plus.
24:45Are you totally insane?
24:47You're going to let that fruit bat of a computer diddle with your DNA?
24:51Have you got a better plan?
24:52Maybe some Indian restaurant music will mollify us.
24:56Or perhaps we can make a surrender flag out of flop wallpaper.
24:59Do you realise the charm thing's going to be through that door in a minute now?
25:03Right, so let's do it.
25:05Transmoglification sequence initiated.
25:12Metamorphosis complete.
25:17Did it work?
25:20Kind of.
25:21What do you mean, kind of?
25:23I mean, kind of.
25:30Well, getting better.
25:32What now?
25:33We ain't got time to change him back. Let's scoot.
25:35Come on, Stumpy.
25:38Wait for me!
25:47I can't keep up. I'm not kidding.
25:49I can't keep up. I'm not kidding.
26:02I can't keep up. I'm not kidding.
26:13I can't keep up.
26:14I can't keep up.
26:14I can't keep up.
26:14Of course, Larget.
26:15The only thing that can kill a Vindaloo.
26:42Has anyone got a poppadon the size of Lake Michigan?
26:45This stuff's really good.
26:47I can't keep up.
26:49This guy's pure class.
26:53What do you think?
26:54It's cold outside.
26:55There's no kind of atmosphere.
26:57I'll call the Lord.
26:59More or less.
27:00Let me fly by the far away from here
27:03Fun, fun, fun
27:06In the sun, sun, sun
27:10I want the two lines
27:12Ship legs to come with toes
27:14Drinking fresh mango juice
27:16Go fish shows, dribbling up my toes
27:20Fun, fun, fun
27:23In the sun, sun, sun
27:26Fun, fun, fun
27:29In the sun, sun, sun
Comments