- 2 days ago
The Big Sickie
The gang all agree: work sucks, and they need a day off. Jonesy, having gotten a new job at the amusement park, offers to sneak them in for a day off. Everyone is for it, except Jen.
The gang all agree: work sucks, and they need a day off. Jonesy, having gotten a new job at the amusement park, offers to sneak them in for a day off. Everyone is for it, except Jen.
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TVTranscript
00:00Time's Less!
00:09Can we sing, hey bus driver speed up a little bit?
00:12As soon as the bus gets rolling.
00:16Don't forget to load up the equipment bags, Jen.
00:19The what?
00:20Oh, right. Sure thing, Coach Handsome.
00:22I mean, Coach Hanson.
00:28You've got your driver's license, right?
00:31Uh, sure, Coach.
00:33A learner's permit is practically a license.
00:40Hey bus driver, speed up a little bit. Speed up a little bit. Speed up a little bit. Hey bus
00:47driver, speed up a little bit.
00:47That's weird. I thought I left the...
00:55van here.
01:00I am so going to fail my driving test again.
01:09Someone's outfit challenged today.
01:11Seriously, dude? 1985 called. They want their jacket back. What's wrong with it?
01:17Wyatt, it's old. Retro is so yesterday.
01:22She says, without a hint of irony.
01:24They have a sale at my favorite guy store this week. I could take you.
01:28I don't want a new one. This is my lucky jacket.
01:31I was wearing this jacket when I won that songwriting contest last year, and when I got on the grade
01:359 national debate team.
01:36Yeah, I wouldn't advertise that one, buddy. I'm telling you, this jacket is lucky.
01:41Ah, lady luck. The most elusive betty of them all.
01:46Okay, let me touch it then. I need a new job.
01:49What happened to your job at the nothing over a dollar store?
01:52Bad vibe. No chicks. Just old ladies looking for a deal.
01:57Come on, lucky jacket. Quit it. You're gonna rub a hole in it.
02:00Yeah, don't ruin it. There's no such thing as luck. I wore my lucky bra to my last bio test,
02:07and I totally flunked.
02:09Maybe if you studied, you'd have been more lucky. I heard Ron the rent-a-cop is looking for an
02:14assistant security guard.
02:15Yes. No! Oh, I don't know, man.
02:19Could you imagine Jonesy as mall security? The only thing arresting about him is his breath.
02:24What? You think I couldn't do it? There is no job in this mall that I can't do. The next
02:30time you see me, I'll be running this joint.
02:40Right. Left.
02:42Get off the road, you idiot!
02:46Masterson! Why's that guy picking his nose?
02:50Oh, um...
02:51Forget that for a minute. I need you to go buy me lunch. Surprise me. Nothing spicy, though.
02:56Sure thing, Coach.
03:03Hey, Jen. Hungry?
03:04I have to buy lunch for Coach Halder.
03:06How about five alarm barbecue tickets?
03:09Sure, whatever.
03:10So...
03:11Do you know the ending? Who did it?
03:13Jude. It's a driver's manual.
03:15So the chauffeur probably did it.
03:17I'm studying for my driver's license. But I don't know why I'm even bothering. There's no way I'm going to
03:22get it.
03:23How come?
03:24I think I'm going to crash.
03:25Nah, you'll be fine.
03:28No offense, but you don't know what it's like to crash a vehicle.
03:30Oh, I know about crashing, dude. That gross feeling in the pit of your stomach. The screech of tires. That
03:39final sickening crunch of metal against wood.
03:45Yes! Yes! It's so awful!
03:47If you want, I could give you driving lessons.
03:49Why? What makes you such an expert?
03:56They let you drive?
03:58I am a most impressive driver. I could make you equally as skilled.
04:03I need all the help I can get!
04:15What do you want?
04:16I heard you were looking for, um...
04:19An assistant?
04:20Do you think you got what it takes, punk?
04:23Do you?
04:24Yes, sir!
04:25Alright, maggot. Let's see your stuff.
04:38Whoa!
04:40Look!
04:41Ever been arrested?
04:43No.
04:46Have you ever said a bad thing about a mall security officer?
04:50No.
04:53Okay.
05:02No loitering!
05:05Break it up, you two!
05:11Welcome to the force, kid.
05:13Can I have a gun?
05:13No.
05:14How about nunchucks?
05:15You get this.
05:16Yo, I was thinking of working undercover.
05:18Yo, wear the uniform.
05:22If I'm gonna teach you the way of the road, you're gonna have to trust me.
05:27Okay.
05:27It's my way or the highway.
05:30Got it.
05:30Actually, my way will also involve the highway, but you know what I mean.
05:37Let me see your manual.
05:40Just as I thought.
05:43But...
05:44What did I say?
05:46That's better.
05:47You've gotta get off book.
05:49It's all about making it real.
05:51Now, are you ready?
05:54Good.
05:54Then follow me.
06:01Excuse me, security.
06:04Sorry to bother you.
06:06You're new here.
06:08I just love a man in uniform.
06:14Whoa.
06:15Thank...
06:17Could you tell me where Willows and Williams is?
06:21Well, ma'am, you go down to the next level, and it's on your left.
06:24Thank you so much.
06:27Woo!
06:28You take care now.
06:30Oh, yeah.
06:31Officer McDaddy's on the job!
06:39I thought you were going to help me learn to drive.
06:42You can't just put an astronaut in the space shuttle and tell them to fly.
06:46You have to train them first in a simulator.
06:50But I'm not an astronaut.
06:52No, you're an autonaut.
06:56Welcome to high-speed manslaughter.
06:59This will be your teacher.
07:02Go on.
07:03Slip into the seat.
07:04Remember, the car and the road are an extension of you.
07:08You have to feel it.
07:10Where's the horn?
07:12There's no horn.
07:13There's no AC.
07:15It's a video game.
07:17Ready?
07:18Ready.
07:18Okay.
07:20Let's go with my personal favorite, Death Toll Highway.
07:25Now, ease that bad boy at a first.
07:38Please speed up.
07:40I didn't know you could drive so slowly in this game.
07:43You really suck at this.
07:45What do you want?
07:46That old man with the walker just cut me off.
07:48Just try to relax.
07:50The game is not just about driving.
07:53It's also about killing things.
08:02I've been hit!
08:04Oh!
08:08Oh!
08:09You should be fine for looking so fine.
08:14Kate, you haven't seen my lucky jacket, have you?
08:16Lucky jacket?
08:18You know, the one you guys were bugging me about this morning.
08:21This morning?
08:22You mean like today?
08:24I lost it.
08:24I was sure I left it here.
08:26Huh, guess not.
08:27Well, if you see it, let me know.
08:29Sure will.
08:33This is for your own good, Wyatt.
08:35No one can carry off a jacket that bad.
08:38Hey, what's up?
08:39Nikki!
08:39Hi!
08:40Isn't that Wyatt's lucky jacket?
08:42No!
08:43Well, it could be.
08:44Okay, it is.
08:45I took it.
08:47Oh, did Retro come back in?
08:48I must have missed the memo.
08:50No, I took it to prove to Wyatt he doesn't need a lucky jacket.
08:53When he realizes he's not dependent on it like he thinks he is,
08:56he won't have to wear it anymore.
08:59Uh, is that a bad idea, I smell?
09:01Oh, no!
09:02It'll work.
09:03Yeah, we'll see.
09:04Wyatt has a big audition tonight for a gig.
09:05If he cracks, I guess you'll be wrong.
09:10Do you see what I see?
09:15Ladies?
09:17Jonesy?
09:18I can't believe it.
09:20Oh, believe it, baby.
09:22Jonesy's a bacon bed.
09:23That's a retail operations enforcer to you.
09:27How about a free lemon stinger for your hard-working man of the law?
09:31You can't get free stuff like that.
09:33Uh-huh.
09:34Could I have your full name, miss?
09:44Oh, dude, what'd you stop for?
09:48There was a crosswalk.
09:49You're supposed to go through them.
09:52Mission failed.
09:53Mission failed.
09:54Hey, look, I tied my high score.
09:56Dude, that was pathetic.
09:58Hey, I got four points.
10:00The game's high score is 75,000.
10:03One-legged moms with strollers, we're passing you.
10:06I was just trying to be safe.
10:08Safe?
10:10Would we have gone to Mars if all we tried to do was be safe?
10:14It's a proven fact that the reason drivers can't handle unsafe situations
10:20is because they don't practice driving in unsafe conditions at crazy speeds.
10:26Good point.
10:27That's why they invented this game.
10:31To build a better unsafe driver and make the streets safer for you and me.
10:38This is your opportunity to get in touch with your inner driver.
10:44She's waiting to get out and to shift into overdrive.
10:49Embrace her!
10:52Let's go.
10:59You know Toby who works over in the children and comedy section?
11:03Yeah, sure.
11:04I just fired him.
11:05Can you cover his section until we get someone new?
11:07You mean run two sections?
11:09Yeah, you just take a short lunch.
11:11But I was going to rehearse for my audition.
11:13Well, I guess today's not your lucky day then, huh?
11:17It would have been if I had my lucky jacket.
11:19You can borrow my lucky bull's tail.
11:22No thanks.
11:26Got any new leads in the case of the missing shopping buggy?
11:29No.
11:30I want you to see what the word is on the street.
11:33Jonesy.
11:34You got the job.
11:35With Ron.
11:37Looks like that's how it went down.
11:39Now if you don't mind, I'm busy keeping the peace.
11:42Right.
11:43What's got you creased?
11:45My lucky jacket's gone.
11:48You think someone might have stolen it, son?
11:50Trust me, no one would steal that jacket.
11:54I don't know.
11:56Hound Dog.
11:57Yeah, come on in, Hound Dog.
12:00Hound Dog here.
12:01Yeah, we have a possible 718 in progress.
12:05I copy that, Smokey.
12:11You missed me, sucker!
12:15Awesome!
12:17Okay, jump the fence and shoot the android Robocot!
12:20Can I see your license and registration?
12:24Oh, you rocked him!
12:26Okay, now swerve around the nuclear waste and kill the skateboarding spider!
12:31Die, bug!
12:36It's no good.
12:37I'm going to blow the audition tonight.
12:39I can feel it.
12:40No!
12:40You're going to do great.
12:42I have no time to rehearse now.
12:44So then why are you sitting here?
12:45Because I've been looking for my lucky jacket.
12:49I have to find it!
12:50Wyatt, you don't need that gross old thing.
12:53It makes you look like a...
12:54a rolling stone.
12:57And look!
12:58The must-have jacket of the season is black pleather.
13:01Don't you see?
13:02Things are starting to go bad and they're only going to get worse.
13:04I gotta bounce.
13:06Going back to work?
13:07Yeah, I have to order some more peanut butter and Jimmy CDs for the kids section.
13:11See ya.
13:19Do you see what's happening?
13:21Wyatt is making himself believe that he's going to fail the audition all because of that stupid ugly jacket.
13:27Yep, looks that way.
13:28I have to give it back.
13:30My whole plan is backfiring.
13:32Gee, you think?
13:38Hold on, I've got something for you.
13:41Whoa!
13:46He's doing ten in a forty zone.
13:49But officer...
13:50Save it for the judge, ma'am.
13:56Keep it moving!
14:20Yo!
14:23Back up, dudes!
14:25She's about to hit 75,000!
14:29Give the ladies some room!
14:3375,200!
14:35Complete annihilation of the death toll highway achieved!
14:38You did it! Awesome!
14:43You've got the gift, my friend.
14:48Break it up in here, this is a fire hazard.
14:51That's right, everybody out!
14:53Whoa, that security dude looks totally like Jonesy.
14:57That security dude is Jonesy!
14:59No way!
15:01Hi Jude, hi Jen.
15:03Tell me you aren't working with the enemy.
15:05Can't talk now, I'm on duty.
15:08Dude, do the rent-a-cops have keys for stuff in the mall?
15:12Uh-huh.
15:13Even like, say, for the keys to the display car in the atrium?
15:17Uh-huh.
15:18Could I see them for a sec?
15:20Sure.
15:22You're ready.
15:23It's time for an in-car lesson.
15:30Can I help you?
15:32Yeah, I'm looking for Wyatt.
15:34He hasn't come back from his break.
15:36Really?
15:36I have his jacket.
15:38Oh, here, I'll give it to him.
15:39Oh, no.
15:40That's okay.
15:41Uh, I need to go.
15:47Nicky?
15:47It's me.
15:48Wyatt never came back from his break.
15:50I need your help.
15:54The VTEC 6000.
15:56We can't drive this.
15:58Why not?
15:59It's a brand new car.
16:00I know.
16:01That's why you should drive it.
16:03It's got nobody else's car karma on it.
16:06You start clean.
16:08This is a really expensive car.
16:11Expensive, yet free.
16:16Your chariot awaits.
16:23I wish I could find my jacket.
16:25I wish I could find my jacket.
16:31He's not at Grind Me.
16:32He's not in the food court.
16:34You take the upper level.
16:35I'll take the lower.
16:36Okay.
16:37What?
16:37What?
16:40Oh, I said okay.
16:41Oh, okay.
16:47Oh, yeah.
16:49Smell that.
16:50It's a new car.
16:53That's good stuff.
16:56Yeah, I guess.
16:57Real wood trim on leather dash.
17:01Digital console.
17:02And the rug.
17:05So soft.
17:08Jude, do you want me to leave you alone for a while?
17:11Sorry.
17:12We've got some driving to do.
17:14Now, adjust your mirrors.
17:17Adjust the seat.
17:19And crank up the tunage.
17:25No sign of him.
17:27Wyatt!
17:28Mickey, I found him.
17:29He's over at the fountain.
17:31Oh, that's a cute coat.
17:32Caitlin, now's not the time for shopping.
17:35I know.
17:37Wyatt!
17:38Wyatt!
17:38There you are.
17:40Do not move.
17:41I have something for you.
17:57Wow.
18:03That was reverse.
18:06Wyatt!
18:06Are you okay?
18:08Are you okay?
18:08No, I'm not okay.
18:10My lucky jacket's gone.
18:11My Discman is toast.
18:12I'm soaking wet.
18:14And my audition is in 20 minutes.
18:15You ducked just in time.
18:18That car just flew right over your head.
18:20You should be dead right now.
18:21You are so lucky.
18:23And you didn't even have your jacket.
18:26Which I just found.
18:29It's dry.
18:32That was the coolest thing I have ever seen.
18:35That's it.
18:35You're fired.
18:36Fired?
18:37What for?
18:38There's a car in the fountain.
18:39So, what's that got to do with me?
18:41Here's the keys back, dude.
18:43Sweet ride.
18:44Reverse is a little jumpy, though.
18:46You might want to look into that.
18:49I'll have your security belt back.
18:53I'll have your hat back.
18:55I'll have your uniform back.
18:56Hey!
18:56Now, soldier.
18:58Now.
18:59Dude.
19:05Lady Luck, Lady Luck.
19:08I have to wonder where you are tonight.
19:12I guess I'm gonna wish upon a star.
19:16Lady Luck.
19:19Oh, won't you be my Lady Luck?
19:23Right on!
19:24Right!
19:25You sounded great, Wyatt.
19:27Thanks.
19:28See?
19:28You don't need that ugly old jacket.
19:30You're great all on your own.
19:32Yeah.
19:33Gone back to reading your driver's manual?
19:36Yeah.
19:36I realize there's no insurance break for taking lessons with Jude.
19:40In fact, it's kind of the opposite.
19:43Hey, cheer up, Jonesy.
19:44I can't believe Ron made me take off my uniform right in the middle of the mall.
19:48No one even noticed.
19:49Speak for yourself.
19:51That was even scarier than the car crashing into the fountain.
19:53Come on.
19:54Tell the truth.
19:55You were into me in that uniform.
19:56Yes, Jonesy.
19:57I was so turned on, I could barely contain myself.
20:00Pass the chips.
20:01You wish you could be so lucky.
20:03Look out, dudes!
20:05Coming through!
20:07Check it out.
20:08You know that car they were raffling off?
20:10You mean the one you drowned?
20:12Yeah.
20:13Well, I entered the draw and won second prize.
20:16A power scooter?
20:18You're so lucky.
20:19I love those.
20:20I know.
20:21I never win anything.
20:22You should see how fast.
20:24No speeding in the mall, son.
20:26I'll take that.
20:30Aw, man!
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