- 2 days ago
First broadcast 1st November 1969.
After a drunken night out, Bernard wakes up in a strange woman's bed, but when she turns out to be Sharon's mother, Bernard decides that he only has one course of action.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Diana Coupland - Connie Eversleigh
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
After a drunken night out, Bernard wakes up in a strange woman's bed, but when she turns out to be Sharon's mother, Bernard decides that he only has one course of action.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Diana Coupland - Connie Eversleigh
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Come on, come on down and go!
00:30Come on, come on, come on!
01:00Mum, you never woke me again. Mum, what are you doing sleeping in here?
01:10What? Oh, God, my head.
01:14Look at my hair. I'm not boring it to you again.
01:17What's this you've got in it?
01:19Glue?
01:20Oh, jelly.
01:23I was at a party. We played some blindfolded feeding game.
01:27Here, what am I doing in here?
01:28Looking about 140 years old.
01:30Thanks.
01:31Honestly, Mum, if you want to keep passing yourself off as my sister, you're going to have to get some early nights.
01:36Oh, I remember now. There's some fellow in my room.
01:40Oh, not again, Mum. For God's sake.
01:43Why don't you get married again or find yourself a regular girl?
01:46Oh, don't preach before. I've had a fag. There's a good girl.
01:52Anyway, if it was in the nature of that sort of thing, I'd have been in there with him, wouldn't I?
01:56True. Well, who is he then?
01:58Well, I was in the pub having a row about the Christmas loan club, which I've left once and for all, when in comes this rugby crowd, and there was well-oiled already.
02:07So this Nigel, he was a scream. He says, let's all go back to Jack's place. So he did.
02:13Or was it Occy?
02:15Well, in there, is he the actual Nigel? Or Jack? Or who?
02:19I don't know, but he insisted on seeing me home.
02:22Oh, he was bad, too. He was bad in the United Dairies yard.
02:26And then when he opens the door here, he pitches straight across the kitchen.
02:31Did give his head a wallop on that stove.
02:33Wonder it never woke you up.
02:35But a really very nice class of person.
02:56Hello, dear. Good morning.
03:21Good morning.
03:22Do you know, I've...
03:24Oh, yeah.
03:27You gave it the right banging last night, didn't you?
03:34I'm so sorry.
03:35You always are the next day.
03:38No, I really am most sincerely sorry.
03:41Here come those manners again.
03:43It was please and thank you at every turn last night.
03:46It's gone.
03:57But my shirt and my trousers, they've gone.
03:59Don't you remember?
04:01No.
04:01I took them off you last night.
04:04No, I don't remember.
04:06They must have laced that second barrel.
04:07I'm all right on beer.
04:09You see, but it was the apricot brandy in the beer.
04:13And then there was that white stuff.
04:15Tequila.
04:17Now, look, madam.
04:19Oh, here he goes again.
04:20No, no, no, no, no, I'm not.
04:22I don't even know your name.
04:25Connie.
04:26Connie.
04:28Connie.
04:29I'd like you to know
04:30that I have never done this sort of thing before.
04:34And I am deeply guilty and sorry.
04:38Well, don't go on, dear.
04:39I thought we had a lovely time.
04:42Well, that's very nice of you to say.
04:44That makes this very much easier.
04:46Don't forget to bring my shoes home
04:48on your way home from school, dear.
04:50School?
04:51You're somebody's mother.
04:54God, I feel unclean.
04:56Here, now have a wash before you go.
05:00Ta-da, Sharon.
05:02Um, Sharon?
05:08Yeah, my daughter.
05:19But I do hurry.
05:23Oh, come along, man.
05:24Nurses are forbidden to run in hospital corridors.
05:30You're not a blessed nurse.
05:32I was making an anachronism,
05:34which is that if an important person
05:36is called upon to deal with an emergency,
05:37that person must not arrive so out of breath
05:39as to be too puffed to do so.
05:41Now, you see, here I am, breathing normally
05:43and ready for every consistency.
05:46Now, Mr. Smith, what can I do for you?
05:48Would you kindly open the visual aids cupboard?
05:51Uh, no, I won't.
05:52But, good Lord, man, it's you.
05:54You've got the key.
05:55Oh, no, no.
05:55I have a key,
05:56which I've officially designated
05:58as my reserve key.
05:59Mr. Cocky Hedges has the front-line key.
06:03Hedges is apparently ordered combo this morning.
06:05I can't help what mood he's in.
06:07I mean, he's not here.
06:09There is no need to shut up, Mr. Smith.
06:10If he is not here,
06:12I shall use my reserve key, won't I?
06:14You see, simple as that, isn't it?
06:16Right.
06:17Now, I'll go on.
06:19Wait a minute.
06:20Now.
06:22Now, let's see.
06:24Oh, your timing's implacable, isn't it?
06:27Impeccable, and please don't shout
06:29or my eyeballs will fall out.
06:31I'll stop renovating Mrs. Savage's thermostat
06:33in order to come and open that coven.
06:35And the moment I do so,
06:36what happens in you come?
06:37Well, there'll be other days, Mr. Potter.
06:39What are you looking for, Smithy?
06:41The model of the S-Wend M.
06:43No, I don't remember.
06:44I was going to fix it over the weekend.
06:46Oh, of course.
06:47Where is it, then?
06:49At home.
06:49No.
06:50Yes, I'm sorry.
06:51Ed, it was your turn to make the tea.
06:53What am I, indispensable?
06:56No.
06:57Irresponsible.
06:58Now, look here, Potter.
06:59Nobody can accuse me.
07:00Ta-da, Mum.
07:05I'm off to school now.
07:08Mum.
07:13It's cracked.
07:15He's bloody gone mad.
07:21I thought 5C had improved,
07:23but they're still very naughty children.
07:24That's like calling Hitler a well-meaning bungler.
07:30Good morning.
07:32Barely, Mr. Hedges.
07:33She didn't wake me.
07:36Um, the alarm didn't go off.
07:39My alarm.
07:41Hedges, you tore these trousers.
07:43No, I haven't been anywhere near them, sir.
07:44I had to take 5C for English, and they did.
07:47It's the same thing.
07:48No, I'm sorry.
07:49I'll talk to them about it, sir.
07:50Shouting might be more apt if you intend to do it from the staff room.
07:53I'm sorry, Miss Hedges.
07:54I was just making the tea.
07:55I haven't forgotten that it is my turn.
07:5715 minutes ago, yes.
07:59I'm sorry.
08:00Look.
08:01Shall I just write down I'm sorry 2,000 times,
08:04and then you can all cross one off when I need to say it?
08:06Now then, Peter Petulant.
08:09And Miss Blakesley had to do the dinner money,
08:11and it was your job,
08:12and you know perfectly well she gets a rash
08:13when she handles nickel coins.
08:15And you weren't there to round up the nicotine club
08:17from the toilets after the bell went.
08:19What's he supposed to be, a one-man band?
08:21You all import in his good nature.
08:23He's got far too much extra work.
08:25Thank you very, very much.
08:26It's all right, boy.
08:27Oh, by the way,
08:27did you finish off those record cards you were doing for me?
08:29Oh, no, no.
08:30Ah, you stinking swine.
08:33I fear Hedges worshipped too long
08:35at the altar of Bacchus over the weekend.
08:38More like the couch of Venus, a lucky swine.
08:42Now, they can't force your mother borer
08:46from the Christmas club showing.
08:47She's done dead right in leaving it.
08:49Well, if they turn funny on my mum,
08:51I'm round there with a bay in it.
08:52What are you going to do?
08:53Sharpen his pencil?
08:54Ah, sir.
08:56Oh, blimey, look.
08:57A creature from the Black Lagoon.
09:02Good morning.
09:03Good afternoon, sir.
09:09You all right, sir?
09:10All right, of course she is.
09:11She's just been on a thrash, that's all.
09:14You're real, aren't you?
09:15Would you like me to fetch a first aid lady
09:17from the factory next door?
09:19No, I'd just like you to leave me alone.
09:22Oh, Maureen.
09:25That's right.
09:26You take it out on me if it makes you feel better.
09:28That's a woman's role.
09:30Stroll on.
09:31My dad takes it out on my mum when he's drunk.
09:33He hits her.
09:34Beast.
09:35Who said that?
09:36I did.
09:48What?
09:50Don't.
09:51Go on, Goosepins.
09:52Oh, all right, everybody.
10:00Um, come on, school photograph.
10:02He is drunk.
10:03Best next week.
10:05No arguments.
10:05No arguments.
10:07I want every one of you to pick up a chair.
10:11Oh, God.
10:13What shall we do with it now?
10:14A chair each, Humor, is in into the playground.
10:18Oh, boy, boy.
10:25If you won't see the first aid lady, sir, wear these.
10:29Rest your poor eyes, eh?
10:40Musical chairs, Mr. Hedges.
10:42It's all right.
10:43I haven't forgotten that it is the school photograph, Mrs. Hedges.
10:46You were supposed to arrange it for next week
10:48and take off those ridiculous spectacles.
10:51You look like one of these mob jitter-buggers.
10:52Oh, God.
11:12Hedges?
11:16Who else?
11:18I'll mark out the netball call for you, sir.
11:21He's gone a bit off course, hasn't he?
11:23He's gone off his head, if you ask me.
11:25This is the idea of putting away my perimeter delineator.
11:30Look.
11:30Well, Truffle, he was trying to atone for the slip he made over the school photograph.
11:33I had 632 chairs arranged in that playground
11:38and then he had to go and forget the photographer.
11:41Well, the boy's obviously had something on his mind these past few days.
11:45Like a vacuum.
11:47Rubbish.
11:48Nothing but empty space, if you ask me.
11:51Oh, very, very.
11:52Oh, I do have none.
12:01Roger and out.
12:03Hedges, are you all right, boy?
12:05Here, here.
12:10Telephone, Price.
12:11Two cocoa tins and a bit of string.
12:13And it works.
12:13OK, Wesley, carry on, will you?
12:15You can understand my doubts, can't you?
12:17In view of your manic carrying on there the other day.
12:19Oh, well, last week, yes, I did have a bit of a problem, Price.
12:22Yes, but I've worked it all out.
12:23You see, it takes two, right?
12:25Now, I'm not being crude, Price, but you've got to think in the plural.
12:29Well, maybe it wasn't when I was in the United Dairies yard,
12:32but it certainly must have been after I hit my head on the stove.
12:37All right, yes, next morning, all the guilt.
12:40But not at me, do you see, to me and from me.
12:42And therefore, I go back to my original point, which is not alone, but together.
12:46And so, if nobody points the finger of guilt at you,
12:49therefore, be adult, grow up and forget it.
12:52Oh, all right, I'll be off, then.
12:54Right, right, right.
12:57I'm not the centre of the world.
12:58Oh, thank heavens for that,
13:00because the way you're spinning, boy, we'd all fall off.
13:06Good morning, Maureen.
13:07Hello, sir.
13:08And good morning to you, Sharon.
13:10Hello.
13:11So, anyway, the upshot was mum walked in as calm as you like
13:14and said she was in the club again.
13:16Really?
13:16Go on.
13:19Go on, tell me.
13:21A giant snail made that line.
13:23I really am sorry.
13:25There's no good blottering, Sonny.
13:26I want an apology.
13:28But being sorry afterwards is no good, is it?
13:30No good at all.
13:31Being sorry afterwards is no good.
13:34What's the matter with you?
13:36Are you hungry or something?
13:38Potter.
13:39Listen, put yourself in a woman's position.
13:43No, then.
13:44No, no, no, no.
13:46No, no.
13:47No, just a minute.
13:48No, get off, get off.
13:50It's no wonder I disgust you.
13:52I disgust myself sometimes.
13:55They probably wouldn't have these feelings, you know,
13:57if you've got a decent breakfast inside you.
14:00All right, I'll ask.
14:01Just a minute.
14:02Don't you see what's happening?
14:05Hedges is having his first nervous breakdown.
14:07Of course, poor boy.
14:09Very early, too.
14:11Oh, I don't know.
14:11When I was teaching in Swansea,
14:12we had to chop that crack up in the first week.
14:15Oh.
14:16Found him shouting obscenities down the phone
14:17to the Minister of Education weekend.
14:19My breakdown couched itself in terms of nervous alopecia.
14:25Then that's an awfully good wig you've got, Doris.
14:28It grew again.
14:30I've had three breakdowns, not wigs.
14:34Instead of comparing case history,
14:36shouldn't we be doing something constructive
14:38to help teachers' latest victim?
14:40Now, what I...
14:41Oh, you look a bit overworked, boy.
14:49You have been banging away a bit lately.
14:54I don't even remember it.
14:57Oh, dear, Doris.
14:59Amnesia.
15:00Headmaster, in the light of a...
15:03I am prepared.
15:04That is, willing.
15:06I'll take back the job of acting unpaid sportsmaster.
15:11Smithy, you're a big man.
15:13Oh, please.
15:14For my part,
15:15I shall relieve Mr. Hedges
15:16of as many extra duties as possible.
15:19And, Doris,
15:20you're a big woman.
15:25Just a minute.
15:26Why is everybody being so nice to me?
15:29Well, I suppose,
15:30having lumbered you with all this extra work,
15:31we feel a bit guilty.
15:33How about a pint after school?
15:35You're not going to get me anywhere near alcohol.
15:37Look, Bernard,
15:39I feel sure the headmaster
15:41could wave the rules somewhat.
15:42Take a couple of days off.
15:44Oh, yes.
15:44Wave, wave.
15:45There.
15:46Stand.
15:47Relax.
15:48Possibly with your young lady.
15:50Oh, no.
15:50She's a woman.
15:52I'm sorry, you're not women.
15:54Oh.
15:55Oh, no.
15:56Nope.
15:57Oh, no.
15:57Sorry.
16:02Anyhow,
16:03Monsignor Sotworth,
16:05well, he, like,
16:05bestowed this quest upon me.
16:07What, like going to Mecca?
16:09That's his lands.
16:10No,
16:11he made me an official collector.
16:12It's for Save the Children Fund.
16:14And anyone who bangs in
16:15gets a smile from God, he said.
16:18Frank, yeah,
16:18but don't buy smiles from no-one.
16:20Yeah,
16:21here's a chuckle's worth there, Maureen.
16:23Here you are.
16:23It's all.
16:24Here you are, Maureen.
16:25Come on, Peter.
16:26Well, I hope he's looking.
16:27There's the price of ten fags in there, mate.
16:29Oh.
16:30I ain't got no money, Maureen.
16:32Oh, but God won't take umbrage at you
16:34for not having any money, Dennis.
16:36He'd only summon his awful wrath
16:38upon people who had it
16:39but was dead stingy with it.
16:40Hang at that.
16:42Changed my mind, didn't I?
16:43What have you got there, Bernard?
16:45Couple of grand.
16:46That's Monopoly money.
16:48Not all of it.
16:49There's a couple of green shill stamps there.
16:53Now, what's going on?
16:54What is all this, Maureen?
16:55Maureen was only collecting
16:56for the little needy kiddies.
16:59It's bad enough when they're hungry.
17:01But some of them ain't even wanted.
17:02And I think that's wicked.
17:03How's your mother, Sharon?
17:13Great.
17:14She's all right.
17:15I don't know.
17:15Hang her back, Chief.
17:16Save your bus fare.
17:17Well, we ought to look after
17:18the unwanted children.
17:20All right, all right.
17:21We've all bunged it, haven't we?
17:22My dad don't want me.
17:24I heard him say it through the wall.
17:25I'll bung rat poisoning his beer
17:29and shoot down your auntie Nora's permanent.
17:31That is no answer, Craig.
17:33Anyway, I can't.
17:34I have to try and stop him eating me mum.
17:36Well, if my mum come it with me,
17:38she'd get the table smacking the mush.
17:40Well, that's it, then.
17:42You're the watch getting bigger and filling out.
17:44Not your day.
17:45I know.
17:46And one day,
17:47I'm going to knock him down the stairs,
17:49through the kitchen window
17:50and right into the area.
17:52Yeah, I'll help you sell tickets, Dan.
17:53I thought we were talking
17:55about the unwanted children.
17:57Well, Dennis is.
17:58Dennis.
18:00Dennis is an object lesson.
18:02When?
18:05Dennis has a problem.
18:07An awful problem.
18:08And he chooses to face up to it now.
18:10That is a moral lesson to us all.
18:12And to me.
18:15Especially to me, Sharon.
18:17I want you to remember that.
18:19All right.
18:20I believe you.
18:22Right.
18:23Raven.
18:24I want you to go to Miss Ewell
18:26and ask her to take over
18:27for the last period.
18:27She'll understand.
18:29I have something rather important to do.
18:32Thank you, Dennis.
18:36Oh, dear.
18:37He's gone all unnatural.
18:39What do you think he's going to do, eh?
18:41Well, from reading between the lines
18:43of his thought process,
18:44this isn't like the way
18:44he's just been acting up.
18:46I say he's gone to hammer
18:47the living daylights
18:48out of his old man.
18:52Oh, you were angry, Mr. Hitches.
18:54I've satisfied myself
18:55on that score, so they are.
18:56Well, thank you very much,
18:58Mr.
18:59What is it?
19:00Well, it's a piece of my
19:01ruby's apple crumble.
19:02You'll find it
19:02an unforgettable experience.
19:04Well,
19:05jolly good.
19:07Right.
19:07Well, sorry.
19:08I must rush.
19:09Oh, what's the only thing?
19:09I'm just going to propose.
19:11Oh, I see.
19:14Eh?
19:15Propose?
19:17Well, I'll say this for you,
19:18Ted Hubble.
19:19You've got a bloody nerve.
19:20I know I'm back in the club,
19:22but he don't give you
19:22no special rights.
19:25What?
19:26No, you can't.
19:27I'm doing the housework.
19:28No, not the bedrooms.
19:30Oh, Ted,
19:31you are awful.
19:32Look, I've got to go.
19:33I might see you
19:34around there later.
19:35In the meantime,
19:36I should have a cold shower.
19:44Oh, it's you.
19:45Mrs. Everslee, please.
19:46Please let me in
19:47before I lose my nerve.
19:48Lose your nerve about what?
19:50I had to see you.
19:52I haven't been able
19:53to get you out of my mind
19:54since last time.
19:57Where?
19:58What?
19:59Um, the flowers.
20:01Oh, aren't they nice?
20:02Oh, that is sweet of you.
20:03That really is.
20:05Sit yourself down.
20:06Right, right.
20:08Flowers always cheer me up,
20:09you know.
20:10I've been a bit down lately.
20:12You know, problems.
20:13Yes, yes, yes.
20:15Did I hear you right just now?
20:18Yes, you did, Connie.
20:20You see, just thinking about it
20:22is no good.
20:23Now is the time for action
20:24and that is why I'm here.
20:26I had you down as a shy one.
20:29Well, I am,
20:30but, you see,
20:32that was some time ago.
20:34I don't even know your name.
20:36Bernard,
20:37I realise there is a difference
20:39between our ages.
20:40Slight.
20:40A slight difference
20:41between our ages
20:42and probably
20:43different backgrounds too,
20:46but
20:46does that really matter?
20:49Well, they do say
20:50we're all the same
20:51under the sheets.
20:52There is something else,
20:59Connie.
20:59I wouldn't want to deceive you.
21:02I wouldn't want you to think
21:03that this was love.
21:06Blimey, you don't dress it up,
21:07do you?
21:08And there is something else.
21:10You're not getting me
21:11in the mood like this at all.
21:12Sharon is, of course,
21:14involved.
21:14What?
21:17You dirty swine!
21:21Coming round here
21:22like a price stallion
21:23bringing me flowers
21:24and after my daughter
21:25and all, I suppose.
21:26No, no, I know.
21:27I want to marry you.
21:29Marry me?
21:31Oh, my God,
21:33you're too much for me.
21:35Why?
21:36Well, because of
21:37what happened between us
21:39the other night.
21:40Well, nothing happened.
21:41Oh, don't be brave, Connie.
21:43I heard Shannon say
21:44that you were
21:44in the club again.
21:46In the club?
21:47Yes, yes.
21:48Not the pudding club,
21:50you darn table.
21:52The Christmas loan club.
22:07You were willing to do that.
22:09Well, that's the most
22:11decent thing ever
22:12happened to me.
22:13Well, under the circumstances,
22:14it seemed the natural
22:15thing to do.
22:16Not round here.
22:17Still, just as well,
22:18I wouldn't have
22:19led you a dance.
22:20There is one thing,
22:21Connie,
22:22Sharon must never know.
22:24Or greed.
22:27Sharon.
22:28In the bedroom.
22:28You know where it is.
22:35Hello, Mum.
22:36Hello, dear.
22:39Where are you off
22:40to tonight, then?
22:42Nowhere.
22:42I'm stopping in.
22:47Thing's gone up north,
22:48so I'm going to wash
22:50me hair and watch
22:51the late-night film
22:52on telly.
22:52Okay.
22:54Okay.
22:56I'm so happy.
22:58Okay.
22:58Okay.
22:58Okay.
22:58Okay.
23:00Okay.
23:00Okay.
23:01Okay.
23:02Okay.
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