- 23 hours ago
First broadcast 25th September 1971.
Mr Hedges is finding that Fenn Street just isn't the same without 5C so has decided to resign.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Jill Kerman - Penny Hedges
Wendy Richard - Rita
Arnold Peters - School Governor
Bruce Hodgkins - School pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Mr Hedges is finding that Fenn Street just isn't the same without 5C so has decided to resign.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Jill Kerman - Penny Hedges
Wendy Richard - Rita
Arnold Peters - School Governor
Bruce Hodgkins - School pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:25The Lone Ranger
00:47MUSIC CONTINUES
00:50Sorry, darling. I forgot my key.
00:51Just a minute. Right.
00:54Why are you home for lunch, Bernard?
00:56Well, it's games today and I made my tracks. Hello, darling.
00:59You really must try and buy the right size of tights next time.
01:03Are they coming off or going on?
01:05They're coming off. I don't like the colour.
01:07Bernard? Yeah?
01:08Did you resign today?
01:12You know, sitting there like that, darling...
01:14You didn't, did you? Three weeks ago you said you'd do it.
01:16No, it was only two and a half.
01:18Well, it was your idea, Bernard.
01:19You were the one who said Fen Street would never be the same without 5C.
01:23Yes.
01:25Well, I did try to resign today, darling, but it's...
01:29It's very difficult, you know. The words didn't seem to come out.
01:33Well, you'll have to be forced.
01:35Forced? Who by?
01:36Me?
01:37Oh, I see. Touch of the Lysistritas, eh?
01:40Who?
01:41Lysistrita, darling. Actually, she was first of the women's lib in Greece.
01:45Yes, all the women got their own way by denying their husbands certain...
01:51Did it work?
01:53Yes, it did work, actually.
01:54What a good idea.
01:55Not bad, was it?
01:56Well, if you hear clanking, it's me turning the lock on my chastity belt.
02:01It was only a play, of course, darling.
02:05Clank, clank.
02:07Now, isn't it me, Penny?
02:09I'm a man.
02:10You're a mouse, Bernard.
02:11How the hell are you ever going to take your sociology course if you won't leave Fen Street?
02:15Yes, well, don't get me wrong, darling. I do regard London University as a challenge.
02:19Then hand in your resignation.
02:21Otherwise, I shall have to get rather serious about this lice...
02:24This is Dato?
02:25Yeah.
02:27Darling, this is blackmail.
02:29Pinkmail.
02:30So you will resign, won't you, Bernard?
02:33Right, yes, I'll go and see Cromwell this afternoon, yes.
02:36Promise?
02:37Well, I do promise. I most certainly do promise, yes.
02:39Otherwise, I shall have to run you a cold shower tonight.
02:52Come on, sir. One foot in front of the other, sir.
02:56Norman, I feel like Tinkerbell. My little light is fading.
03:02So you've got enough on your plate to start worrying about the electricity for, sir?
03:06Headmaster, you're absolutely ashen. Are you ill?
03:09No, Smithy. Stricken.
03:11What happened? Did the Rotary Club cast someone else as the Mikado this year?
03:14No, no, no. It's not that. I'm Nanky Poo.
03:18And I'd be Nanky Poo, too, sir, if the Chairman of the Governors had given me a rollicking along.
03:23I wasn't asleep when he came, was I?
03:25Look, I can't hang about here. I've got too much work to do.
03:27He's gone.
03:28Right.
03:29It was like a nightmare.
03:31He crept in in the early hours of the morning and was waiting for me when I arrived.
03:34You must have Jerry blood in him, you know, to pull a stunt like that, sir.
03:37Oh, Doris, I cried. Doris!
03:40Yes?
03:40Oh, where were you in my hour of need?
03:43Which hour of need would that be?
03:45A surprise raid by the Chairman of the Governors.
03:48Oh, yeah.
03:49Oh, it was horrible.
03:51Crumble, he said, answer me.
03:52When was your last fire drill?
03:54When is your next personal hygiene inspection?
03:57Where are your record cards?
03:59Answer me!
04:00Speak up, Crumble!
04:01Speak!
04:01Ooh!
04:02It's like being subjected to the best in Nardo.
04:05Sir, I've never heard you swear before, sir.
04:09If you say so, sir, he is.
04:10Well, why should I be expected to know all these things?
04:13Because you're the headmaster!
04:15And perhaps the sacrificial lamb.
04:17The Governor's last words to me were,
04:20Don't bother to break in a new cushion for your chair, Crumble.
04:23Well, look, sir, you've been betrayed enough for one day, sir.
04:26Now, come along to your study, have a nice lay-down, sir,
04:28and I'll get you a nice glass of Armadillo sherry, sir.
04:31Come along, sir.
04:35So they finally found him out, eh?
04:37If only I'd been here this morning.
04:39Oh, come, Monsieur.
04:40You've been the flying patrice to his house of straw quite long enough.
04:43Aye, now the big bad wolf is going to blow it down.
04:46This is ridiculous.
04:47Eh?
04:47Do you realise the best centre-forward in this school is a girl?
04:50I don't see why.
04:52I don't see why.
04:53Doris is the best fast bowler we've got.
04:57Doris is the headmaster at Free.
04:58There's something I'd like to talk to him about,
05:01which is rather important.
05:01Oh, dear. Couldn't I deal with it?
05:03More efficiently, perhaps, but I wouldn't like to hurt his feelings.
05:05I don't think pricking the finger of a man on the rack would be very noticeable.
05:10Don't tell me he's had another death in his rubber plant family.
05:12Oh, don't be an excessive one.
05:14He's just been threatened with a bullet by the Governor, that's all.
05:19Oh, hell.
05:20Nevertheless, Bernard, if you must see him...
05:21Well, no, I don't...
05:22I don't...
05:23I don't have to see him.
05:25I mean, a promise is a promise,
05:26but any promise given without prior knowledge of something coming up in the future
05:31is automatically negated when that thing bears a direct relationship to the promise promised.
05:36I mean, you'd agree with that, wouldn't you?
05:38Oh, it sticks out like a sore thumb at so on.
05:40You're doing your mental knitting again. What do you mean?
05:43Well, I'll just... I'll just say this to you, Monsieur.
05:46When you marry your Mr Sibley, remember this?
05:48Yes.
05:49Sex isn't everything.
05:54I'm gonna have a cold shower now.
05:59It's a very average sort of day so far, isn't it?
06:07Well, darling, I'm home.
06:10Birds not fly.
06:14I've got love with one man till I die.
06:19Can't help loving that man of mine.
06:31Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's blind.
06:39Tell me I'm crazy, well, lazy I know.
06:50That man of mine.
06:55Lady's leg.
06:58Right.
07:03Lady's shoulder.
07:04Ah, good, good, yes.
07:07You Tarzan, me Jane.
07:10No, no, no, no, no, no!
07:17I've got to go to work.
07:19I'm sorry, darling, they're short on night staff at the airport.
07:22But, darling, that moment's it, I won't see you until tomorrow night.
07:24I know.
07:25I'm gonna have to dash off again.
07:27Oh, hell.
07:27In about three hours' time.
07:34Right.
07:38Can't help loving.
07:42That wasn't as bad as all right, wasn't it, darling?
07:44What's that, sweetheart?
07:45Resigning.
07:48Yes, well, there's, er...
07:50Well, there is something I'd, er...
07:51I'd rather like to talk to you about that, sweetheart.
07:58Oh, Bernard!
07:59It's very difficult.
08:00It's very difficult.
08:01You really can't kick a man when he's down, do you?
08:02You lie on that floor and try me.
08:04No, I mean, Cromwell.
08:05He's not a very strong man, you see, sweetheart.
08:07Oh, who's talking?
08:08Now, listen to me, er...
08:11Penny.
08:12Um...
08:12You're always telling me that I'm Victorian.
08:14Well, I am.
08:14And I demand that you stop this, like, sister to her business at once.
08:17Um, that is an order, Penny.
08:22Cut my nose, then, darling.
08:23Now, listen to me.
08:24I'm head of the family, sweetheart.
08:25And I will resign in my own good time.
08:27Yes, the day after you retire.
08:29In the meantime, I demand my, er...
08:31Conjugal.
08:31Conjugal, yes, conjugal rights.
08:33Oh, yeah?
08:34Yes.
08:41Let's get in the bedroom, woman.
08:43Move, move!
08:45All right, then, all right?
08:47Yes.
08:48Just get in the bedroom, that's all I'm saying.
08:50I'm going, I'm going.
08:51You're the governor.
08:52Yes, I am the governor.
08:53I must...
08:54I certainly am the governor.
08:56Right.
09:02Yes, that's it.
09:04I'll go and see the governor.
09:06Get Cromwell off the hook.
09:08And then I can resign.
09:14Bernard?
09:17Bernard?
09:20Bernard?
09:27You see, as chairman of the school governors, I sometimes have to take some pretty hard decisions.
09:33Even if it means hurting people, as it did Cromwell today.
09:38But, er, I know what I want, and I have a habit of getting it.
09:41You've got long socks on.
09:43Quite.
09:44You see, Rita, as...
09:45You've got varicose veins under them socks, have you?
09:47Certainly not.
09:48Oh, my mum has.
09:50Like a mug of the underground, her legs.
09:52Look, why don't you have a drink, Poppet?
09:54Oh, yeah, brown.
09:55Brown what?
09:56Brown please.
09:57Brown please what?
09:58Brown please ale.
10:01Brown ale isn't exactly the sort of drink for a little mademoiselle like you.
10:04Oh, you don't have to.
10:05Funny.
10:06Look, why don't you come up here, sit on the old lap piece and share my brandy.
10:10Yeah, okay.
10:17I'll give you some funny on spirits.
10:19There's a good girl.
10:22Oh, look.
10:23What?
10:23You know, I've got a lot of hairs up your nose.
10:28She won't get funny on spirits.
10:30Don't let's talk about her.
10:33What shall we talk about, then?
10:35Well, can't you think of something?
10:37No.
10:38Oh.
10:39Oh, yeah.
10:41Shall I take my clothes off?
10:42You've thought of something.
10:45No!
10:48Good evening.
10:49Hello.
10:49My name is Bernard Hedges and...
10:51It's some man.
10:52Ah, yes.
10:53Come in, come in.
10:55Right.
10:55Why, why, it's Mr Hedges, isn't it?
10:57Yes, indeed.
10:58Oh, hello, sir.
10:59Evening.
11:00I don't think we've had the pleasure.
11:02Oh.
11:03Quite.
11:04This is my niece, Rita.
11:07Right.
11:07How do you do?
11:08Very well, thank you.
11:10He hasn't.
11:11Hasn't what?
11:11He's got hairs up his nose.
11:15Sorry, I don't quite follow that.
11:17Oh, well, you see, we was in the chair together.
11:19Rita is very interested in people, you see.
11:21Oh, I see.
11:22She's a student.
11:22Really?
11:23What are you reading?
11:25The Carpet Baggers.
11:29Do sit down, Hedges.
11:31Right.
11:32Thank you, sir.
11:37Well, Hedges, what did you want to see me about?
11:40He's not such a bad chap, sir.
11:42Who isn't?
11:49The headmaster, sir.
11:50I wonder whether you felt you may have been just a little hasty this morning.
11:54Now, see here, young man.
11:55I admire your loyalty, but this is the matter between Cromwell and myself.
11:59Excuse me, Uncle.
12:00Yes, my dear.
12:01Where's the bedroom?
12:05Just do there.
12:08I wonder whether you felt that you'd caught him in an inopportune moment.
12:13I don't quite follow.
12:15Well, take Jackie Palo, sir.
12:17Now, I was walking down the street the other day and I happened to see him.
12:20Now, if I'd jumped on him from the back, I may well have got him in a folding body press.
12:27Because it was an inopportune moment, if you see what I mean, sir.
12:30My mum used to wrestle in mud.
12:35Your sister, was it, sir?
12:37Yes.
12:38Nothing wrong in that, you know.
12:40Very good for the pores, mud.
12:41Right.
12:42Now, look here, Hedges.
12:43A head who doesn't even know when his next fire drill is due.
12:45Ah, well, of course, there is a reason for that.
12:47What?
12:48The reason.
12:51My fault, sir.
12:52I forgot to tell him.
12:53Well, supposing I accept that.
12:54He still had no idea where his record cards were.
12:57In my flat.
12:58I beg your pardon?
13:00In my flat.
13:00I didn't like to bring them back, sir.
13:02Why not?
13:04Custard all over them, sir.
13:07Gravy.
13:08Gravy.
13:08Bets written on the back.
13:09That sort of thing.
13:10You're being pretty barefaced about this, Hedges.
13:13Excuse me, uncle.
13:24Barefaced, yes.
13:26Yes, you see, there's more to her than meets him.
13:28Uh, the meets the other.
13:30Um, Cromwell.
13:31Cromwell.
13:31Cromwell, the headmaster.
13:32He didn't want a rat on me, was he?
13:34But what about personal hygiene?
13:35Well, I resent that one.
13:36At the school.
13:37Oh, sorry.
13:38Oh, sorry.
13:39That's the headmaster's province.
13:40No, sir.
13:41No, sir.
13:42Mine.
13:42Ah.
13:44Ah.
13:44Uncle.
13:46Uncle.
13:46Yes?
13:47No, no.
13:48Oh.
13:49Yes, my dear?
13:50Shall I put the electric blanket on now?
13:54If you like.
13:56Hedges, I find this rather puzzly.
13:58You've always struck me as a very level-headed young man.
14:01Yes, well, things have changed since, well, since we last met, sir.
14:05I say.
14:05Yes?
14:06That's my brandy.
14:07Sorry.
14:08Well, there you are, you see.
14:09I drink a lot more now.
14:11It's put a very different complexion on things.
14:14Oh, well, that's marvellous.
14:15I knew you'd reconsider the headmaster's position when you'd heard all the facts.
14:18I most certainly will.
14:20Well, I won't waste any more of your time.
14:21Just a minute, Hedges.
14:23You have painted a picture of a teacher that I certainly do not want in my school.
14:26I shall have no alternative but to recommend your dismissal to the board.
14:29Well, that's not really fair, is it?
14:32I...
14:33Oh.
14:35Right.
14:36Yes, that's marvellous, you see, sir.
14:38You've done it for me, so I don't have to do it for myself.
14:42Yes, and also, it solves the conjugal rights position.
14:47My sister is all right on the stage, but she doesn't work in the home.
14:50Well, I'll say goodnight to you, sir.
14:52I'm done.
14:53Thank you very much again.
14:55Goodnight.
15:02Wonderful innocence at that age, isn't it, sir?
15:20Thank you, sir.
15:22Thank you, sir.
15:29Thank you, sir.
15:38Full ceremonial, sir.
15:39I mean, when a young subaltern is honourably discharged from the army,
15:42so you don't see him often a sports shirt and a pair of sandals, do you, sir?
15:45Do I look nice, Norman?
15:47Nice, sir.
15:48You look lovely, sir.
15:50Oh, that'll be his.
15:54Go in.
15:55Sir!
15:57Pardon?
15:58A glass of sherry, my boy.
16:01Oh, well, thank you very much indeed.
16:05And now, I would like to propose a toast.
16:09Oh, yes, indeed.
16:10Oh, okay.
16:16Propose a toast to one of the finest young men it has ever been my privilege to meet,
16:20one who has sacrificed his own career for that of his headmaster.
16:26Oh.
16:28Well, you, you fool.
16:30Sir?
16:31What?
16:32Sorry.
16:32Yes, well, it was nothing, ladies, sir.
16:35Nothing?
16:36Is it nothing to stand on the deck of a carrier with nothing but a short Lee-Enfield
16:40and shoot down a Japanese Kami-Nicker pilot?
16:46Kazi, Norman.
16:47Kazi.
16:49Yes, well, I'd rather you hold yourself in for a moment, sir.
16:53Now, Hedges, don't think I haven't searched my heart.
16:56Maurice, I ask myself,
16:58were those errors which the governor's discovered really Hedges' fault?
17:01Can I in all conscience allow him to take the blame?
17:04And swiftly the answer came winging back to me.
17:06Yes, I can.
17:09Because it was his fault.
17:19You're not wrong, Desmond, you're not wrong.
17:24Hello, darling.
17:25Hello.
17:25How was work last night?
17:26All right.
17:28Mwah!
17:33There you go.
17:34What are you doing, darling?
17:35I'm making an overture to the dominant male.
17:37Well, I'm not all that dominant.
17:39Oh, you are.
17:40If you make up your mind not to tell me where you rushed off to last night, nothing would make
17:43you.
17:43Nothing!
17:44I'll cry if you don't tell me.
17:46All right.
17:47Well, I went to see the chairman of the governors.
17:50About Hannigan, your resignation?
17:52Um...
17:53And are you leaving?
17:53Yes, I am leaving.
17:54Yes, I am leaving.
17:55You're my hero.
17:56Right.
17:57Brilliant.
17:58You bypass the embarrassing interview with the headmaster by going straight to the top.
18:02You simply tell the chairman of the governors that you resign.
18:06Yes, that is what I did, virtually.
18:08Yes.
18:09What happened?
18:10Well, I went round to see him.
18:11He invited me in and I met the family.
18:18He gave me a drink, had some brandy, and got round to it gradually, but in the end we shook
18:23hands on it and parted friends.
18:25Oh, Bernard, you're marvellous.
18:26I knew you could do it.
18:30Were you tampering with my zip then, darling?
18:32No, no, I wasn't, honestly.
18:33Why not?
18:34Oh.
18:37Blast.
18:41Bernard.
18:42Bernard, I wondered if we might have a word with you.
18:44Yes, which word would you like to have?
18:47Darling, don't you leave, darling?
18:48Ask them in.
18:49Oh, I was asking them in.
18:51Yes, I was just saying.
18:52Come in.
18:54Hello, Pip.
18:54Hello, Miss Yulam.
18:55Nice to see you all.
18:56Won't you sit down?
18:58My dear wife, Madge, sends you her love and a jar of homemade preserves, but I'm afraid
19:04I left the letter on the hall stand.
19:07That was seven years ago.
19:08How are you, love?
19:09I'm still waiting for the divorce.
19:11Eh?
19:11Bernard, we've been talking and we feel we just have to say,
19:14something apropos of your leaving Fenstreet.
19:16Right.
19:17Right.
19:18My word.
19:20Isn't it, uh, isn't it warm today?
19:22I like that tie, Smithy.
19:24I didn't make this, um, this table, you know?
19:27We, you haven't seen that before.
19:28We, we bought it at, uh, a lot of kids off school today.
19:31I don't know whether you noticed.
19:32That's probably, probably the weather.
19:34Um, cool.
19:35Have you read this book?
19:36I have it awfully good.
19:37Awfully good.
19:40If you haven't, darling, you're amongst friends.
19:43Right.
19:44Ravensbourne Cricket Club.
19:45Pardon?
19:46Quite.
19:48Now, Bernard, as I was saying.
19:50Uh, drinks, drinks, darling.
19:51Drinks, I think, all round.
19:52Right, love.
19:53Excuse me.
19:54It was very noble of you to go to the governor and...
19:56Monsieur, sorry.
19:57Sorry to be such a bore, monsieur, but could you possibly keep your voice down there?
20:01Little kids asleep next door, yeah?
20:02Or live on the windowsill, do they?
20:07As I was saying, owning up to the headmaster's crimes and getting the sack...
20:11I can't hear what you're saying, monsieur.
20:13I said, getting the sack to save the headmaster is misplaced loyalty.
20:17Yes.
20:21Penny, you must have been very proud of Bernard when he told you what he'd done.
20:25Oh, proud, monsieur, is not the word.
20:30Yes, sir.
20:31Look, help yourself to a drink, are you?
20:32I won't be a second.
20:35Oh, good evening, sir.
20:36Oh, Mr. Hedges, I wonder if you could spare me a few moments.
20:39Yes, you did.
20:39Please come in, wouldn't you?
20:40Oh, thank you.
20:42Oh, good evening, everybody.
20:46How's, sir?
20:47How's the niece?
20:48Who?
20:49Rita.
20:49Oh, yes, very well, thank you, yes.
20:51Well, Hedges, I'll come straight to the point.
20:53I've been under considerable strain lately, owing to certain family pressures.
20:57So have I.
20:58And I'm afraid it's impaired my judgment.
21:01Well, what I'd really like to say is that, uh, provided you keep a watchful eye on your, um, consumption
21:05of alcohol, I see no reason why we shouldn't forget all about your dismissal.
21:09I'd like you to carry on at Fen Street.
21:12Well, that's, um, that's very kind of you, sir.
21:15Yeah.
21:17There is something I'd like to say.
21:18Oh, please, please.
21:21I'd like to resign.
21:24Bernard!
21:25Oh, right.
21:28Well, goodbye, Miss Blakesley.
21:31Good luck with the netball this year.
21:33And, Peter, you too, with your season.
21:36Goodbye, Penny.
21:37Oh, no.
21:37Right.
21:38It's all right.
21:39I'll be taking him home in a minute.
21:40Come on, please.
21:41Open the door.
21:42Oh, Hedges.
21:45Your colleagues clubbed together and asked me to purchase a really memorable present.
21:51Oh, bloody hell.
21:54Please accept it with our best wishes.
21:56And when you're dusting the leaves with Derris, power to think of us.
22:00Right.
22:03Well, goodbye, sir, and thank you for all your, um...
22:10In the last year, I've learned a great deal of...
22:16Right.
22:17It is but au revoir, Hedges.
22:19We surely will meet in the summer land.
22:22Right, sir.
22:25Smithy.
22:25Goodbye, my dear fellow.
22:27No, there's always a bed for you and your charming wife at Dunn Cycling.
22:30You know that.
22:31Thanks, my dear.
22:32We'll, uh, we'd love to come, of course.
22:34And soon.
22:35Yes.
22:36Yes, you'll have to.
22:36I've forgotten that jar of preserves again.
22:42You're expecting me to say something warm and moving to you, aren't you?
22:47That on top of the rubber plant would be more than I could take, Price.
22:50Well, I will say this.
23:04Well, I'll see you over the feathers next week for a drink.
23:09Leaving the old battle axe until last.
23:14Doris, if I end up being as half a good a teacher as you've been, I'll be very lucky.
23:21Give us a kiss.
23:27Right, well, that's, uh, that's it, then, I suppose, really.
23:30Come on.
23:50Round as and well, if you please, Bond.
23:56I've written a little leaving obituary for Byrne, and it rhymes.
24:01It's called Byrne.
24:03Correct, sir.
24:05We'll meet again, Byrne.
24:08Don't know where.
24:09Don't know when.
24:11But I know we'll meet again, son.
24:14Some sunny day, son.
24:16And your wife.
24:18The end.
24:19Thank you very much.
24:45Thank you very much.
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