- 1 hour ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:09You
00:10Pack that carefully. It's a precious relic. This is a travesty. You know not what you do. Just let them
00:17rest in peace.
00:19A curse on whoever is responsible for this. A curse upon their descendants.
00:33She's beautiful, isn't she? The centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu, the blue heirloom squash grown from seed
00:41right here at Woodstone. Have you ever seen anything like her? Sam, do not leave that man alone with this.
00:46Jay is very excited about the fall menu. We really want to get the restaurant back on track. Yeah, and
00:52since we don't have Satan or any of his dark powers helping us, I had to do something splashy.
00:56Nothing more splashy than old squash. Guess who just sold four more tickets to our first annual Halloween haunted house?
01:05Bela, the answer is Bela. She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event which warmed my labor exploiting
01:11heart.
01:11I still think it's crazy resorting to a bunch of fake blood and fakakta costumes when you got the real
01:16deal right here, baby. We're ghosts.
01:18Yeah, but your guy's stuff isn't exactly scary. Excuse me?
01:21Don't poke the ghost, Sam. Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit if I try real hard.
01:26And my humming can be heard in the world of the living, if the room tone is quiet enough.
01:30And if you wait until St. Patrick's Day, now why do I even bother?
01:34Thor have the power to harness electricity. Strike fear under the hardest of hearts.
01:46Oh, was that Thor?
01:48See? Bela terrified. Tremble before Thor.
01:52Hey Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead with all the haunted house stuff.
01:55Yeah, I just wish the house was a little spookier. I mean, it's derelict, that's good.
02:01But I feel like we could use some more creepy decorations or something.
02:04Well, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement. We can bring some of that crap up here.
02:07Excuse you, sir. Crap!
02:10Jay, it was a little insensitive to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way.
02:14Insensitive? Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell. Come on, Sam.
02:18You would never treat me like this.
02:21I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam. Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn
02:24house!
02:27Gosh, I love a good haunted house.
02:29The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs, the zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti.
02:34Zombies are a trip, man.
02:36Can you imagine being dead, but still, like, walking around and stuff?
02:41Yeah, that's really hard to picture.
02:43And no matter what they do, this home will never be more frightening than the scariest house of all.
02:48The U.S. House of Representatives.
02:53Because of the dysfunction.
02:56How wonderful it is to see you all.
02:58Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.
03:00Well, it is All Hallows' Eve, which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off.
03:06And I plan on bringing back Chris, the skydiving exotic dancer who stole my heart.
03:12Right. Because he was sucked off. As we all remember. And lament. Right, guys?
03:17That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.
03:21Although, um, here's the thing, and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel, but in order for a
03:25ghost to come back, the living who's doing the seance must have an object that the ghost had on their
03:32person when they died.
03:34Oh, dear. No, I didn't realize that was necessary.
03:38Yes, and we don't have such an object.
03:40So I guess there's nothing we can do except just go on with our afterlives and never think of this
03:45again.
03:47Oh.
03:48But what about the penis straws the stripper died with?
03:50Excuse me?
03:51He was gonna pass them out to the bachelorette party, but then Sam took them off his dead body and
03:56kept them.
03:57Why would she do that?
03:58I don't know. She's a secret freak.
04:00Stop shaming her, you square.
04:01Well, this is outstanding news.
04:03Yes.
04:04So great.
04:05Oh, thank you, Flower.
04:08I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.
04:11It's been a hard few months, but it appears my luck has started to turn.
04:17Flower, what have you done?
04:20You mean like ever?
04:21That's a toughie.
04:22Um, acid, quaaludes, I smoked a toad once.
04:25No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off.
04:28As you all know, he floated away on his own accord and Nigel will be crushed when he finds out.
04:34And furious at me for deceiving him.
04:37Oh, no.
04:39Okay, I have to go find Samantha to get our story straight.
04:45I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?
04:47Yeah.
04:48But if I didn't, he was gonna smoke me.
04:51At least that's what he told me after I smoked him.
04:56What's this weird little clamp thing?
04:58That?
04:58It's an elbow clip.
05:00Well-bred children wore them during adolescence to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointy.
05:04Oh, that's terrible.
05:05Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows.
05:08I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here, but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty real.
05:12That because it is real.
05:13There are actual mummy in there.
05:15We were the first in the colony to have one, which was very important as the Vanderbilts had just acquired
05:20the skull of a pig boy.
05:22Yeah, you can't be our pig boy.
05:24Jay, apparently that's a real mummy in that sarcophagus that Hetty somehow acquired.
05:28That doesn't sound like something we should have.
05:30Still very cool though.
05:32We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer in the early 1890s.
05:38Back then, mummies were all the rage. Their rapping's a popular cure-all.
05:41She ate his toe. The whole watch was gross.
05:45People ate mummies?
05:46Oh, yes.
05:47Never did much for my insomnia, though it'd be fair at the time I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.
05:52Oh, it comes with a manual.
05:54Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?
05:56I got an app for this.
05:58He pays $29 a month for that and this is the first time he's used it.
06:01The Egyptian Book of the Dead? Dope.
06:06Oh, thou only one who shinest from the moon.
06:08When Tuat is opened to the gods, let me come forth to do his pleasure upon earth amidst the living.
06:17Greetings. I am Amenhotep, son of Horemheb and Merisank.
06:21Oh, my God!
06:24What happened to its toe?
06:30I'm sorry. What just happened?
06:32Uh, Jay, when I just read that thing, an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.
06:36What? How?
06:38Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter?
06:40The mummy's gonna explain.
06:42Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a living, but I can see and talk to ghosts. My husband Jay can't.
06:46Pretty hard see on that cant there, Sam. Felt aggressive.
06:49Three thousand years ago, when I died, the priest who was supposed to oversee my mummification rituals was waylaid.
06:56And his replacement was not what you would call experienced.
07:01You got a second string, priest. Continue.
07:04The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such, my spirit was confined to my mummified corpse.
07:10Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes. This one is a doozy.
07:13Much later, I was stolen from my tomb in Egypt and transported to a strange land.
07:19A despicable family known as the Woodstones paraded me around like a trophy at their parties and even ate my
07:27toe.
07:27Thor?
07:28Thor, sir, was gross.
07:31Who is Thor?
07:32Thor.
07:33Thor.
07:35Uh, how did you learn English?
07:37I was unable to see my surroundings, but from inside my wrappings, I could hear what was going on.
07:44Slowly, I learned the language of this land.
07:46So if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone-
07:50I would recognize it instantly. Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.
07:54If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone, I would take revenge by raining pestilence and death down upon them.
08:03Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore.
08:07What?
08:08There aren't, Jay. They're all gone, right?
08:12Yep. No more Woodstones.
08:13That is good.
08:15Forgive me. I have not asked your names.
08:17Oh, well, you've already met the livings here and Thor and Trevor and I'm Alberta.
08:23And, um, this is...
08:28Oh, hi. Hiya. I'm Marge, don't you know? I died at a costume party in 1995. So nice to meet
08:38ya.
08:41Wait, why were you doing an impression of the cop lady from Fargo?
08:44It was the first thing that came to mind. I don't know why. When you encounter a man whose digits
08:49you've consumed, you panic.
08:51Okay, wait. So this mummy ghost, if he finds out that Hedy's the one who brought his remains over from
08:55Egypt and that you're one of her descendants, he's gonna...
08:58I'm sorry, what was the quote?
08:59Uh, rain, pestilence, and death down upon us.
09:03That's hard to misinterpret.
09:05Oh, where the hell did he come from?
09:07I hate this haunted house.
09:09Gabe, we're not haunted house customers. It's Sam and Jay, your employers.
09:15Oh, my bad. In my defense, I'm pretty baked.
09:20That's not the best defense.
09:22This isn't good. It's only a matter of time before Amenhotep figures out that Hedy and I are Woodstones and
09:27then...
09:28Then what?
09:29I don't know. But we watched The Mummy. It wasn't good, man.
09:33Wasn't good? It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work. Plus Rachel Weisz.
09:37You wanna give that review another run, Pete?
09:39It was fine. It wasn't really my thing.
09:41Okay, let's just talk this out. It was a Skrull spell that unleashed him, so maybe if we do a
09:46counterspell, that'll get him back into his bandages.
09:48That's worth a shot. Pete and Alberta, you guys distract Amenhotep, take him on a tour of the mansion or
09:53whatever, while we figure out how to try to get him back in.
09:56On it? Pete, let's go.
09:58Are you mad?
09:58Oh, Pete. I was just messing with you.
10:01Okay, cause I don't even think she's pretty. More like Rachel, yikes.
10:04Samantha, where have you been? I've been looking for you. I need your help.
10:08Nigel's gonna ask you to summon Chris the Stripper using the penis straws you kept for some reason after his
10:13demise.
10:13I did not keep the penis straws.
10:15Wait, what's happening?
10:17Chris the Stripper had this package of novelty drinking straws on him when he perished, and I held on to
10:23them, thinking maybe they could be used as evidence.
10:25And when the cops laughed, I thought about returning them to his family.
10:29That's a hard call to make. Sorry your son died. I got his penis straws if you want something to
10:33remember him by.
10:34Samantha, please, just tell Nigel that you don't have the straws.
10:37Okay, I can see this is important to you.
10:40There's more to life than a couple of penis straws, don't you know?
10:45Oh, just so you're aware, I'm not Hetty. I am Marge Gunderson, a small town policewoman whose husband paints pictures
10:51of birds.
10:51Okay, Marge, this is crazy. You look just like my friend Hetty.
10:56And that is Manchin. Before Manchin, Thor lived here for many centuries alone.
11:03I have been trapped in my mummified corpse for three thousand years. They took my brain out through my nose
11:09with a hook.
11:10Okay, it's not competition.
11:12You know who else looks like her brain was sucked out through her nose? Rachel Weiss. Yuck.
11:17I was just messing with you. Move on, Pete.
11:19If I could give you too a little advice. Don't waste your time fighting. Because you never know when fate
11:25will rip you apart.
11:26What you mean, friend?
11:28It is a sad tale, Thor. My wife and I were entombed together, but then the wood stones stole me
11:34from our resting place.
11:36Too rich to leave me alone, too poor to buy the both of us.
11:40Oh, that's so sad.
11:42So it's true. There is a new hunky ghost.
11:46I am Amenhotep.
11:48Amenhotep.
11:49More like, I'ma tap that.
11:53What is that?
11:55Why is there a painting of that woman, Marge, who died at a costume party in 1995?
12:00It's not. It's not. I don't think that looks like her.
12:03Marge, what are you talking about? That's Hetty Woodstone, the lady that built the house?
12:07She doesn't know what she's talking about.
12:09Yes, I do. It's Hetty. Am I crazy?
12:13That is Hetty Woodstone?
12:19Okay, this one might work. But it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest. Is there any
12:23chance that we have an amulet blessed by a priest around here?
12:26I don't. But I do have a stuffed albino alligator. Is that anything?
12:30No amulet, sorry, Jay.
12:32Okay, I'll keep looking.
12:35Well, well, well.
12:37Oh, hey there. Yes, I'm a stranger.
12:40The jig is up! He knows everything.
12:42Oh, Jay! Amenhotep knows about Hetty.
12:45What? Does he know that you're a Woodstone too?
12:47What?!
12:47He's also in the room.
12:49Well, you gotta lead with that.
12:51You shall pay. You shall all pay. A curse upon you.
13:00Oh!
13:01What was that?
13:03A 3,000-year-old mummy curse descending upon us.
13:06Seriously?
13:07Oh, geez.
13:14Is that?
13:15Yeah. It's a cloud of locusts approaching.
13:19Amenhotep cursed us.
13:20We're heading straight for the garden, Sam.
13:21The entire farm-to-table menu hangs in the balance.
13:24You know, a part of me can't help but feel responsible.
13:27Oh, really?
13:29Well, I know I'm being silly.
13:32Uh, Sam?
13:33I know you got a lot on your plate right now,
13:35but, um, Amenhotep has reanimated his mummified corpse
13:38and sent it to kill you.
13:45Oh, no.
13:46We could source the squash from elsewhere.
13:48I mean, it's a farm to a table.
13:50Jay, there's actually bigger fish.
13:52Oh, I'm sorry. Bigger fish than my heirloom squash?
13:58Amanda, is that you? Great costume.
14:00No, that's not the line cook, Jay.
14:02That's the real mummy reanimated.
14:04He's trying to kill me.
14:05To the crapper!
14:12Oh, we're gonna die!
14:14Oh, we were ghosts. We can't die.
14:16Oh, but we could lose our living butler.
14:18It might be centuries before we find another freak like her.
14:22I hate this.
14:23Why do we live here?
14:25Oh, good.
14:26There you are, Samantha.
14:27I have a rather intelligent question.
14:30A little busy right now, Nigel.
14:32Oh, God!
14:33Right.
14:33Well, my thing is rather urgent, too.
14:36It's come to my attention that you're in the possession
14:37of some novelty penis straws.
14:39Oh, for God's sake.
14:41Chris didn't get sucked off, okay?
14:42He flew away.
14:43Isaac lied to you.
14:44What?
14:45Damn, Samantha! Ice cold!
14:48I'm sorry, Nigel.
14:50I see.
14:52Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation.
14:54Oh, poor Nigel.
14:56Guys, brokenhearted.
14:58Wait a minute.
14:59Broken heart.
15:00Maybe that's how we can get Amenhotep to cease this reign of terror.
15:03What do you mean, Pete?
15:04Oh, that's right.
15:04He said when he was taken from Egypt, his mommy got separated from his wife's mommy.
15:08They had been entombed together.
15:10Oh, jeez, Hetty.
15:11You couldn't spring for the pair?
15:13It was just very expensive to bring both.
15:15And I mean, two mummies.
15:17That's a little show-offy.
15:19You had a pearl toilet!
15:21Jay, I think I know how he can write things with Amenhotep.
15:24Wait, do you hear that?
15:25Silence.
15:26I think the mummy gave up.
15:33Oh, yes!
15:34It's gone!
15:43This isn't that scary.
15:44Oh, well, just you wait.
15:50I'm sorry.
15:51Did you scream?
15:52It was scary.
15:54You knew it was coming, man.
15:56Isaac!
15:58I spoke with Samantha about the straws.
16:01Oh.
16:01Oh.
16:02What did she say?
16:03She has the straws and will perform the seance straight away.
16:07What?
16:08Does that surprise you?
16:10You knave!
16:10She told me the truth.
16:12Chris wasn't sucked off.
16:13He was blown!
16:15Sorry?
16:15By the wind.
16:17The parachute.
16:18Why did you lie to me?
16:20Okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part.
16:23But, yes, it's true.
16:24I lied.
16:25Unbelievable.
16:27After all you've done to me, you couldn't help but put your finger in my bullet hole and
16:31wiggle it around.
16:33Oh, trying to be flying wall, but must point out that it seems Isaac only do what he do to
16:39Nigel to be nice, so that you not think Chris just leave you.
16:44Is that true, Isaac?
16:46Well, at the time you were still reeling from being left at the altar.
16:51Doesn't matter by whom.
16:52You were just trying to spare my feelings.
16:55That's a bit of a surprise.
16:56Well, it shouldn't be.
16:58I care about you, Nigel.
17:00I always have.
17:02And your happiness is important to me.
17:05Thank you, Isaac.
17:06Mm-hmm.
17:08Although it does bring into focus the stark reality that the man I thought I shared a spark
17:12with couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye.
17:18I'm a sad, sad little man.
17:21You know, now that I think back, you know, Chris did mention something about a return date.
17:26Really?
17:28Mm-hmm.
17:29When?
17:31Christmas Eve.
17:32For real?
17:35No!
17:36I don't know why I said that.
17:37I just don't like the uncomfortable moments.
17:39But I course corrected in real time, and that is growth.
17:43You need help.
17:45I know.
17:47The mansion was actually built on the ruins of a cholera pest house.
17:52I'm just happy our story's getting out there.
17:58So fake.
18:00Amenhotep!
18:01Please!
18:02Call off the curses!
18:04Why would I do that?
18:05Because we, the Woodstones, have learned the error of our ways.
18:09I should have never separated you from your beloved.
18:12My husband and I were products of our time, but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting your
18:16remains the way we did.
18:18Though, not to toot my own horn, there were nine toes I did not eat.
18:21Hetty!
18:22The point is, I'm sorry, and we might be able to help right this wrong.
18:27Amenhotep, we can reunite you with your wife.
18:30Tell him, Jay.
18:30We did some research.
18:32There's this thing called the internet.
18:33Turns out you were quite a notable fellow.
18:35So notable, in fact, that we found your wife's mummy.
18:39Where is she?
18:40She's in a museum in Egypt, and you can join her along with your remains if you want.
18:46I'm going home.
18:47That's right, buddy.
18:48And I'm gonna go with you.
18:49And when we get there, I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well.
18:53You and your wife can finally be together.
18:57Thank you so much.
18:59What's he saying, babe? Is he happy?
19:00He's very pleased, Jay.
19:02Okay, so he's gonna call off the locusts and the mummy?
19:05And the herd of rats headed your way.
19:07Oh, didn't know about the rats.
19:09They were going to eat the locusts and then prove to be a much bigger problem.
19:12I had this whole thing planned.
19:14Now, Peter, are you sure you will be able to memorize this incantation?
19:18You're talking to a guy who does a word perfect version of Bill Murray's
19:21It Just Doesn't Matter monologue from Meatballs.
19:23What is Meatballs?
19:25Oh, buddy.
19:26We got a whole plane ride to Cairo.
19:28We're gonna get into Rudy, the sad kid.
19:30We'll talk about Marty, the camp director, whose bed they hilariously put in the middle of the lake.
19:34Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs, we'll move on to the extended Ivan Reitman universe.
19:39Can I ride through my books?
19:40Nope.
19:42So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses where a bunch of ragtag hormonal teenagers are about
19:48to have the summer of their lives.
19:50Yeah.
19:54It was really lovely, you guys.
19:57I did the spell, and sure enough, Amenhotep's wife came out of the mummy.
20:01Oh, the moment when they first saw each other.
20:04Tingles.
20:05Pete says it was really sweet reuniting Amenhotep and his wife.
20:08Oh, I love that.
20:09Hey, Jay?
20:10Do you hope we spend eternity together?
20:12This is a must-say-yes situation.
20:15Yes.
20:16There you go.
20:17It was a layup, but you still gotta make those.
20:20Oh, I will be sorry to retire, Marge Gunderson.
20:23But okie dokie.
20:25Say, you happen to do a Philly accent?
20:28Well, that depends on whether or not you can move that glass of water.
20:33Say more.
20:34I saw on the boob tube that eagles are gonna be good this year.
20:37Yeah.
20:38Let's go through batteries with Santa Claus.
20:41You like that?
20:42Mm-hmm.
20:48All before we do that, which is great.
20:50We didn't give any support from Scrimax.
20:50You have to drink .
20:50That doesn't necessarily have to drink.
20:50All the boxes will go for us.
21:10Covered right away from 만들어-nyp points.
21:10Casual holdings from the doctor's service station orOD9 to the doctor's.