- 4 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:12I didn't want to have to be this way, but it's either you or me.
00:18No, don't do it.
00:27I'm sorry, but this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
00:39What's going on?
00:41Sam's getting an update on the sales of our book.
00:43Well, her book, since the news is bad.
00:46So what does that mean, Sharon?
00:47Well, it means we won't do a second printing unless things pick up significantly.
00:52But I have a thought to drum up some publicity.
00:55Here comes the playboy ask.
00:56I think you just do it.
00:58Honestly, while they're still asking.
01:00You did a podcast with Todd Perlman, right?
01:03No, but I did once do acid with a Todd Rundgren.
01:06I'm sorry, do you think you're on this Zoom?
01:08She's talking about creepy Todd.
01:10Uh, yeah, the Alberta Haynes murder pod.
01:12It was number 93 on Spotify on jazz-related murder pods.
01:16Not to brag.
01:17Was that bragging?
01:18Well, as you're probably aware, Todd has become a huge deal in the podcast space.
01:22And if you were able to book an appearance on the Todd pod, it could be a game changer.
01:26Dear God.
01:27The thing is, the last time I saw him, we didn't exactly leave off on a great note.
01:32Sam, card block him when Todd tried to put moves on Alberta's descendant.
01:36The last author he had on the Todd pod tripled her book sales in one month.
01:39Interesting.
01:40Let's huddle on our end and we'll circle back.
01:43But, like, what if he won't put me on the pod, Sharon?
01:46Well, then I think perhaps we've reached the end of the line for your book.
01:49Okay, I'll let you know what he says.
01:51Thanks for hopping on.
01:53We appreciate your time and we look forward to next steps.
01:56She can't hear you, woman.
01:57We appreciate your time and we look forward to next steps!
02:03What the hell happened to Todd?
02:04His skin glowed like belly of trout.
02:07Oh, I'll tell you what happened to this man.
02:09Money.
02:10It is the great cure-all.
02:11Todd, I just want to start by apologizing.
02:14I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms.
02:17Please.
02:17I didn't come all the way from Altoona to tell you that I was still mad.
02:20It's water under the bridge.
02:22In fact, you guys were right to call me out.
02:24I was becoming way too obsessed with Alberta.
02:26Mm, he's not the first and he won't be the last.
02:29Currently afflicted.
02:30I was spiraling.
02:31Truth is, I hit a wall with my research.
02:33So strange.
02:34There's nothing in the historical record about Alberta Haynes prior to 1923.
02:39I know from interviews a bit about her early years, but there's no paper trail.
02:43No record of her arriving in New York.
02:47I mean, she had to live and work in the city.
02:49What was she doing?
02:50Who was she with?
02:51Where did she go?
02:52Yeah, he seemed over you.
02:55But none of that matters now because I've redirected that energy and I put it all into the Todd Pod.
03:02Well, it's paying off for you.
03:03I mean, these guests you're getting, LeBron, Chalamet, that economist whose episode I also totally listened to.
03:10Enough with the chit-chat.
03:12Inquire if that's a hair transplant and then get to the book.
03:15So, like I mentioned on the phone, I would love for you to consider having me on.
03:20How about we grab lunch?
03:22I need to know more about your process, your inspiration.
03:26I mean, sure, there's a pod in you, but is there a Todd Pod in you?
03:32Maybe it's the girl dad and me talking, but I would not go to a second location alone with this
03:36man.
03:37Um, why don't we have lunch at Jay's restaurant?
03:39The food's amazing.
03:41And Jay will be nearby with access to a lot of knives.
03:46Alberta, you have a moment?
03:49Sure, we're shaking, Thor.
03:50Hell yeah, creepy Todd bring up that he unable to find information about you prior to a certain date.
03:56Well, that get Thor to remember something because Thor brain, good.
04:02Okay.
04:03You once mentioned that Alberta, not your real name, was throwaway comet, but Thor can't help but think that maybe
04:11two facts related.
04:13So, what if they are?
04:15So, tell Thor's secret.
04:17Why?
04:18Because Thor put together pieces like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues.
04:24Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor.
04:25Then Thor will just remind other ghosts in House and Albert and not your real name and how that line
04:31up with what Todd say.
04:33Don't you even think about getting everyone riled up. I don't want everyone hounding me.
04:37Well then, you know what you must do. Tell Thor everything.
04:43Okay, fine. The reason I changed my name is because I killed a man.
04:51And you're ashamed because it's just one person you killed?
04:56Just keep it to yourself, okay?
04:58Okay, fine. You got it. Alice?
05:02Ah, ah, ah. I ain't telling you the real name. You get one secret. That's all you're getting.
05:06You have my word.
05:09Beth.
05:10Stop!
05:12Wow. You had Vince Vaughn on the Todd Pod?
05:15Great guy. I'm actually using his decorator at my house.
05:19Nice. You moved out of your mom's house.
05:21No, I bought the house from her. But now I live in my basement.
05:24Why won't this man live above ground?
05:26Jay, these samosas are incredible.
05:29Am I tasting a hint of macadamia?
05:32Actually, I fry them in macadamia and nut oil.
05:35What a palate, Todd.
05:37But let's talk colonial vampire.
05:40I am biased, but honestly, it was my favorite book of the year.
05:44Well, he's only read two. That and the unauthorized biography of Chewbacca.
05:48Difficult childhood, but Chewbacca come out on top.
05:51So, Sam, why was this the story you were dying to tell?
05:55Well, uh, I like historical fiction.
05:59The vampire thing was just sort of a gimmick to please the publisher.
06:03Oh, I was actually responding to the vampire stuff.
06:06That's not surprising for someone who lives in a cave.
06:08Samantha, may I talk to you for a second?
06:10Excuse me. I'll be right back.
06:12Wait, but, uh, um, well, speaking of books, have you read the new Chewbacca biography?
06:19Wookie of the Year? Yeah, I loved it.
06:22Hey, Ayla, I'm gonna stand near you to talk to a ghost.
06:25No problem.
06:26Samantha, what is going on over there? That man wants passion. He wants pizzazz.
06:29I know it's hard to wow in that outfit, but that is what the moment demands.
06:33Wait, is that Todd Perlman?
06:35Yeah.
06:36Ugh, that creep asked me out in college.
06:38Oh, right. You went to Penn State Altoona campus.
06:40It was a townie who lived with his mom.
06:42Well, now he's a wildly successful podcaster.
06:45His mom lives with him.
06:46Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod?
06:48That's him?
06:49He must be loaded.
06:50Is he single?
06:51I should have gone to medieval times with him when I had the chance.
06:55And that's why I named the restaurant after my father.
06:57Mahesh.
06:58That's incredible.
06:59Every step of the way, he fought you following your passion.
07:02But it was his risk-taking and moving here that inspired your own bold gamble.
07:07That is a great way of putting that.
07:10These two are really connecting.
07:12It's nice when men can talk about their feelings.
07:14Except for Gordon Lightfoot, who never shut up about them.
07:18Sorry about that.
07:19Now, where were we?
07:20Oh, that's right.
07:21A tale about bats and blood.
07:24Tea and taxation.
07:25Razzle.
07:26Let me stop you right there.
07:28I am going to do my next Todd Pod here.
07:31Yes!
07:31That's amazing.
07:32But not about you.
07:34Or your book.
07:35What?
07:35This next Todd Pod is going to dive deep.
07:39Into Jay.
07:41The razzle came too late.
07:43Too late!
07:49What the hell was that, Jay?
07:50I'm so sorry, Sam.
07:53There's no way I could have seen that coming.
07:54What's happening?
07:55Jay charmed the pants off of Creepy Todd, and now it's about he whom Todd wants to pod.
07:59There's a simple solution here, babe.
08:01I'm just going to tell him I don't want to do his podcast.
08:03He came here to feature you, and that's what's going to happen.
08:06There you go.
08:07Jay jumps on the grenade.
08:09Sam gets her pity pod.
08:10Everyone's happy.
08:11Well, I don't want a pity pod.
08:12Yes, we do.
08:14Need I remind you that without this podcast appearance, our book is finished.
08:18And with it, my story.
08:20And with that, any chance of an eventual garish Broadway musical based on my story?
08:25Stakes couldn't be higher.
08:27You know who'd be really good for the musical version?
08:29Hugh Jackman.
08:30No, we're not stunt casting it with movie stars.
08:33I have integrity.
08:34Now, let's suck up to that creepy toenail collector and secure that pity pod.
08:39Hello there, Pete.
08:41Thor have some interesting news that he just learned, but he promised Alberta he not safe.
08:48Oh, okay.
08:48I respect that.
08:49On the other hand, last promise Alberta made to Thor she break.
08:54I speak, of course, of the saga of the Revenge Bear.
08:59Sorry, is this going to take a while?
09:01Because the queen bee just left the colony and the worker bees are going nuts.
09:05Peter, your girlfriend Alberta.
09:08Is murder, sort of, of just one man.
09:13What?
09:13Also her real name, not Alberta or Alice or Beth.
09:18So don't bother trying to guess those.
09:19I can't believe this.
09:21She told you this?
09:22Yeah.
09:23And then she'd tell Thor not to tell anyone.
09:25But Thor have other plans.
09:28Revenge, Bail, revenge.
09:34So this is where it happens.
09:37This is the genius's lair.
09:40That dude's going to bang this kitchen.
09:42Can I help you?
09:43Oh, hi.
09:44Todd Perlman.
09:46I'm going to be featuring Jay on an upcoming episode of my Todd pod.
09:49No way.
09:49That's you?
09:50You had Colin Farrell on recently.
09:52Colin Farrell?
09:53I put that penguin on a leash.
09:55Todd!
09:56Hey, we need to talk.
09:57Oh, hi, Mark.
09:58Great news on the pod, Jay?
10:00Yeah, about that.
10:02While I am deeply flattered, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.
10:05What?
10:06Seriously?
10:06Sounds like a huge opportunity.
10:08Oh, hey.
10:09I didn't know there'd be anyone in here.
10:12Wait a second.
10:13Todd from Altoona?
10:16Baila Arendaker.
10:17That's my maiden name, which I still have.
10:20Single.
10:21Oh, she's good.
10:23Oh, yeah.
10:23Baila's my sister, and she also works here.
10:26Anyway, I really appreciate the offer, but I think you should stick with the original
10:30plan to interview Sam.
10:33Okay, there was no promise to interview Sam.
10:36I came here with an open mind, but I wasn't moved.
10:39You move me, Jay.
10:41He'll do the pod.
10:42What?
10:43What is there to even think about?
10:44This could be huge for the restaurant.
10:46And that's good for Sam, too.
10:47It's actually good for all of us.
10:49Oh, Mark is making some really strong points.
10:51I mean, yeah, I guess that's true.
10:53Great.
10:53Then it's settled.
10:54Awesome.
10:55I'll have my guys come in and set up the equipment.
10:58Baila, it was nice to see you on this side of the horseshoe curve.
11:04Oh, my God, Todd.
11:06That was a hilarious Altoona reference.
11:08You should be a stand-up comedian.
11:10The way she debases herself to land a rich husband.
11:13I respect the hell out of it.
11:16So, I had a sort of interesting conversation with Thor.
11:20Or, I don't know how else to say this, he said that you killed a man?
11:26Damn it, Thor.
11:27Revenge, bail, revenge!
11:29Ha!
11:30Petty bitch!
11:31Yeah!
11:32What's going on?
11:34I don't want to talk about this, Pete.
11:35Look, I know you lived a colorful life and that you hung around with some no-good nicks,
11:40but you're not a murderer.
11:42Are you?
11:43Pete, you're missing a lot of context.
11:46So then share it.
11:47I don't want to.
11:48Can't we just move on?
11:49Alberta, look.
11:52My marriage was riddled with secrets.
11:55I was a cuckold.
11:57I was an unknowing front for the mob.
11:59I can't be in another relationship where someone's keeping secrets from me.
12:02If I tell you, it's going to change the way you see me forever.
12:05I just want the truth.
12:08Fine.
12:08I'll tell you the story about how I became Alberta Haynes.
12:16I'm a little nervous, but I love the dramatic pause.
12:20What's all this?
12:23Todd's guys set this stuff up to record the pod.
12:26Jay's talk with Todd must have worked.
12:27You know what I'm coming around on, Jackman?
12:29The greatest showman?
12:30Maybe not.
12:30But he's solid and he puts butts in seats.
12:34Hey.
12:35Didn't love the sound of that, hey.
12:37How'd it go with Todd?
12:38Well, I told him I didn't want to be on the show, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.
12:43Seriously, Jay?
12:44I was trapped.
12:45Mark was there and he insisted that I do it because of the publicity.
12:48I can't believe this.
12:49It's all slipping away.
12:50At this rate, we'll be lucky to get Kevin Kline.
12:52Do you think I want to spend four hours recording with creepy Todd?
12:59He was sensually stroking my kitchen counter.
13:01It was unnerving.
13:03Ugh.
13:03Todd is the worst.
13:05I hate that we need this freak's help.
13:07Hello?
13:08Hey, Todd.
13:09Uh, I was just talking about my favorite kind of ice cream, which is vanilla.
13:15Okay, so this is why I wrote and she typed.
13:17Save it.
13:18I heard everything.
13:20Hot mic.
13:21Todd, we can explain.
13:23No need.
13:24You think I'm creepy.
13:25Obviously, the podcast is off.
13:27Furthermore, I will be instructing the Todd mob.
13:29That's what he calls his fans.
13:31To take you down with an avalanche of one-star reviews.
13:34Oh, an avalanche once, but it's snow.
13:37They'll destroy your book, your restaurant, your B&B, your hopes, your dreams, and your Uber rating.
13:43Todd, please, can we just talk?
13:45You had your chance to talk.
13:47On the pod.
13:48But now that chance is gone.
13:49And don't even think about using my code to get a discount on a mattress.
13:54He's going full scorched earth.
13:56Does anyone want to split this Altoona-style pizza with me?
13:59Oh, my God.
14:01Todd, I didn't even know you were here.
14:10Complete debasement to live in his basement.
14:15So good.
14:20All right, here we go.
14:22Hold on to your arrow, Pete.
14:24As you know, I came to New York to pursue my dream of being a famous jazz singer.
14:28But I wasn't an overnight success.
14:31And I still had to pay the bills.
14:33So you cleaned houses?
14:35You waited tables?
14:36No, Pete.
14:37My real name is Esther Green.
14:41And I was a ventriloquist.
14:45What?
14:46You have to understand, at that time, ventriloquism was all the rage.
14:50Every day, buses from all over the country arrived in New York full of people with a dummy and a
14:56dream.
14:56Did you have to book a second seat for the dummy, or was it like a lap child?
15:01Sorry.
15:01Travel agent brain, continue.
15:03So when singing wasn't panning out, I gave ventriloquism a shot.
15:07Turns out, I was a natural.
15:11Okay, Murray.
15:13If you're so smart, tell me what you see in the future.
15:18Wow.
15:19In about 15 minutes, I see a bunch of people asking for a refund.
15:25Murray!
15:26You're terrible!
15:28Ah!
15:28Says the woman with her hand got my touch!
15:31But the more successful Esther Green and the magnificent Murray got, the further away I was from getting my dream.
15:37I tried to pivot, but the public doesn't like a pivot.
15:41All right, I think it's time for Murray to have a time out!
15:45Okay, for something a little different, I, Esther Green, will be singing my rendition of A Good Man Is Hard
15:52to Find.
16:00I knew if I didn't do something drastic, I'd be known as one half of Esther and the magnificent Murray
16:06for the rest of my life.
16:07I never get to sing.
16:09I never get to sing.
16:09I never get to live my dream.
16:11I knew I had to make a clean break.
16:13I didn't want to have to be this way.
16:16But it's either you or me.
16:18No!
16:20Don't do it!
16:21Ah!
16:21From that day on, I left Murray and Esther behind.
16:26I took on the name Alberta Haynes, and I never looked back.
16:30Alberta, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
16:33You threw away a successful career to go after what you really wanted.
16:36That takes guts.
16:37I appreciate that, but promise me you'll take this to your grave.
16:42Um, you know what I mean.
16:44I'm proud of Alberta Haynes, and I never want anything to jeopardize her legacy.
16:49Okay.
16:50I promise.
16:52So, last question on this.
16:54Um, are you open to any ventriloquist dummy roleplay?
16:58I don't think so.
17:00Cheerfully withdrawn.
17:02Todd, please, can we just discuss this?
17:04Why would you want to discuss anything with a creepy freak?
17:06I mean, if you don't want to be painted with that brush, maybe don't collect toenails.
17:10Todd, you thought those were insults?
17:13Creep and freak?
17:14No, those are just terms of endearment.
17:16Yeah, like, hey, let's get brunch, you creepy freak.
17:19Yeah, yeah, meet you there at noon, you terrifying psycho.
17:22Just stop it.
17:23The podcast is off, and my followers are going to ruin all that you two hold sacred.
17:27What's going on here?
17:28They called Todd creepy, and now he vowed to exact revenge.
17:32Todd, please, there has to be something we can do.
17:34There's nothing you two have that I want.
17:36Oh, Samantha and Jay, their business is ruined, their dream shattered.
17:40Sam, tell him you know my real name.
17:43Are you sure?
17:44No, but if it will help Sam and Jay, I'll do it.
17:47Also sort of help Isaac.
17:48Don't talk me out of it.
17:49I'm out of here.
17:50Todd, wait, I know Alberta's real name.
17:54What are you talking about?
17:55That's why he can't find any record of me before 1923.
17:58I'll change my name.
17:59The reason you can't find any record of her before 1923 is because she changed her name.
18:04Why?
18:04Why would she do such a thing?
18:06Oh, we will be happy to tell you.
18:08If you call off the Todd mob.
18:10And you do the podcast about Sam.
18:14No.
18:15About both of us.
18:16That's right.
18:17The couple that bribes together thrives together.
18:19No.
18:20After Jada and Will, I promised I would never do another couple's episode.
18:24Besides, I'm over Alberta.
18:26I'm no longer obsessed with learning every juicy detail of her fascinating life and legacy.
18:30Are you sure?
18:32Because it's a doozy.
18:34I don't like how he's twitching like that.
18:37Okay, tell me.
18:38I gotta know.
18:39Oh, there's that creepy Alberta obsessive we all know and love.
18:44I'm a powerful drug.
18:46And that's how Esther Green became Alberta Haynes.
18:50Well, where's Alberta Haynes now?
18:52That's the real mystery.
18:53What a brave choice by Alberta.
18:56Giving up the safety and stability of ventriloquism to test the unknown waters of jazz singing.
19:02See, I told you it was brave.
19:04Look, I found an old picture of Esther Green.
19:07Hey, that's Alberta.
19:08I know from the tattoo on Todd's back, which is not creepy.
19:12Wow, incredible.
19:14Wait, Alberta, is that your current hat on the dummy?
19:17Yeah, I took it from Murray's splintered corpse after the attack.
19:21Even though I wanted to bury my past, I couldn't have totally let go.
19:25The truth is, Murray will always be a part of me.
19:28That's really sweet, Alberta.
19:30So, wait here.
19:31Hat, literal.
19:33Hat for dummy?
19:34Okay, Thor.
19:38This is best day of the whole afterlife.
19:40Okay, get it out your system.
19:42What dumber than tiny, dumb hat?
19:44Literal hat for dummy!
19:47Thank you, Alberta.
19:49It's a incredible gift.
19:55For absolutely one night only, I present Esther Green and her little pal, Pinecone Pete.
20:05Hey, why do I get second billing?
20:08Because you're the dummy, dummy.
20:10This is deeply weird.
20:11Wait, Pete's voice sound different.
20:14Yeah, that's because Alberta's doing the voice.
20:16But her lip's not moving.
20:18Looks like we got a second dummy here tonight.
20:21Watch your words, Pinecone Pete.
20:23Meet me!
20:25I will.
20:26Come at me!
20:27I dare you!
20:28Alberta, what are you doing?
20:30And now Thor is chopping Pete in half repeatedly.
20:34Ouch.
20:36Hmm, that sounds like a tough watch.
20:38Not so funny now, Pinecone Pete!
20:40Ah, stop!
20:42It's not me!
21:13I'll see you next time.
Comments