- 4 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06The
00:06The reason I left was because I had to go talk to Donna to tell her that I can't see
00:10her anymore because there's something I have to do
00:12What? This
00:17Oh my something brought me from the dirt today a
00:21Presence most evil although, you know me as a hard-working publicist. I'm in fact Elias Woodstone an emissary for
00:28the devil
00:28No, when you signed the contract to hire me in exchange for making your dreams come true
00:33I secured your soul for Satan. What's important for you is to relax and enjoy what little time you have
00:40left to live
00:40Look out!
00:45Thought I'd get him on the first try. Oh, well
00:48See you soon
00:50Sam, I'm afraid to use the toaster. I can't live like this
00:58I know Elias showed up and revealed that he had tricked Jay into selling his soul and is now actively
01:03trying to kill him
01:04But it was a lovely book launch party. It's true
01:08It'll be pretty bitchin as one of Jay's last memories. How is Jay doing today? Samantha still on edge?
01:15Yes, we're both on edge an emissary if the devil is trying to kill my husband and drag him to
01:19hell
01:20So we're on high alert. Okay, it's Defcon 5. Well, actually Defcon 1 is the most dangerous. Not now Pete
01:26Sam, did the bubble wrap I ordered arrive?
01:30I'm gonna need you to wrap me up, babe
01:32Poor Jay an eternity in hell. I know what that's like. I want to spend a weekend in Boston
01:40Jay, I don't think this is gonna cut it. We need a better solution than hockey pads and some bubble
01:44wrap
01:44You're thinking I should put on my stormtrooper armor
01:47I wish I had mithril which as you know protected Frodo from an orc spear at the mines of moria
01:52Oh, I see he's intentionally trying to shrivel your desire for him in order to make his upcoming absence more
01:58bearable for you
01:59That's thoughtful
02:00I don't think the answer is that we just keep evading attempts on your life
02:03We need to figure out how to get you out of this deal. How are Jay's fiddling skills?
02:08Do people not get the reference the devil went down to Georgia? It's a phenomenal song. What are you talking
02:13about?
02:13Oh, come on the devil went down to Georgia
02:16He was looking for a soul to steal and he was in a bind because he was way behind and
02:20he was willing to make a deal
02:21When he came across the young man sawing on a fiddle and playing at hocks
02:24So he hopped up on a hickory stump and said boy. Let me tell you what what's going on are
02:28the ghosts concerned for me?
02:30Uh-huh fire on the mountain run boys run
02:38Are you tapping your toe? Why are you tapping your toe?
02:42It's just a nervous tick. We're all nervous Jay. Thank you guys
02:59What's going on here small man fixing ghost trap and quixotic bed to circumvent deal with devil
03:05If you're wondering about all the big words Sam got a word of the day calendar and Thor has been
03:09following along
03:09Thor never skipped day Thor very ambidextrous
03:12He doesn't always nail it Jay. I was thinking maybe we should start pureeing all your food
03:17You know cut down on choking hazards while we're figuring out this whole Elias thing wait
03:21What are you doing? Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said and I can't keep worrying about
03:26Elias trying to kill me
03:27So I've come up with a plan and it is nuts
03:31I got in touch with Yanis the latvian ghost trap repairman and he talked me through how to fix the
03:36ghost trap
03:37If I live we're having pierogies with him and his mom next week cool
03:41Anyways, the plan is if Elias kills me in the few seconds. I have before he drags my soul to
03:46hell
03:46I'm just gonna touch the ghost trap and get sucked right on in
03:49So in this scenario you're still dead
03:51But instead of going to hell you're just stuck in a little box for eternity
03:54No, just until you guys figure out a way to extricate me from the devil's bargain
03:57Ask him about the tiny furniture. It's crazy and the tiny doll furniture
04:02Well, I might be in there for a while and I thought I might as well be comfortable
04:05It actually doesn't cost much to live a luxurious doll's life
04:08He's lost it
04:10Check this out
04:12Huh? You never let me have one of those in real big life
04:16I honestly can't tell what he's rooting for
04:18Jay, I've just got to be honest here. This seems like a terrible plan
04:21Well, it's the one to beat
04:24Sam Elias Woodstone is here in demon form and he would like to talk to Jay
04:28No, Jay, Elias is here
04:29Okay, yeah, let's just hear what he has to say
04:34Wait, wait
04:37Now I'm ready
04:39An Eterna cookie
04:41That's genius
04:44Hey, there's my partner in crime
04:46If kissing were a crime, which it's not, although arson is
04:50And we did almost burn this place down
04:52You're damn right we did
04:53So, how are we planning to tell everyone about us?
04:57Oh, I'd like to maximize jealousy and ideally it should involve me singing
05:03Well, I mean, I know it's not the same, but when Carol and I got engaged, we announced it in
05:06the Kiwanis newsletter
05:08There'd been a float collision at the Rhubarb Days Parade, so most of the other announcements were pretty somber
05:13Oh, well, maybe we should just go downstairs and tell everyone the good news
05:16We could, although, is it a little insensitive to put our happiness on display with all Sam and Jay are
05:22going through?
05:23That's partly based on some feedback I got after the Rhubarb tragedy
05:26Sure, I get that, it's just, as far as everyone in the house is concerned, I profess my love to
05:32you in front of everyone and then you immediately fled the property
05:36Oh boy, yeah, I didn't think about it that way
05:38Although, I mean, with all this Jay stuff going on, I doubt that's on anyone's radar
05:42Yeah, I guess you're right
05:44Leave the man alone, Alberta, he's not interested
05:50I filled her in on the whole day of humiliation thing
05:53We're friends now, we walk
05:55Well, Carol, if you must know
05:59I can't take a hint
06:01Can't blame a girl for trying
06:03Is there anyone for her in the basement?
06:06Creepy Dirk is newly single, but he's pretty picky
06:10I'll do a temp check
06:16I'm here to talk about the timeline of your death
06:19Wait, what is that?
06:22It's an air fryer
06:23I'm looking for healthier ways to eat chicken nuggets
06:25Ah, at last we come face to face, Hellspawn
06:31Who is this little freak?
06:33Patience just came in and is confronting Elias
06:35Seriously?
06:36I knew I was right when I sensed the devil's presence in this house
06:40And now, it is my destiny to smite thee
06:44Oh damn, it's about to go down
06:46She says she's gonna smite him, Jay
06:48Say goodbye, demon
06:54What's happening?
06:55Is she shooting lasers out of her eyes?
06:57Are there flames?
06:59Not exactly
07:00Smite
07:01Smite, smite, smite
07:04Smite
07:04Smite
07:06Smite
07:07Is this your whole plan?
07:09Just to yell smite?
07:11I mean, it does leave one wanting
07:12Patience, have you ever done this before?
07:14Well, not exactly
07:15But I just assumed on account of my holiness and his wickedness
07:19Patience no need to feel ashamed
07:21Very ambidextrous effort
07:24It didn't work, Jay
07:25Damn it
07:26I mean, yay
07:28My publicist is saved
07:31This doesn't make any sense
07:33Patience
07:34Patience
07:35Now, where were we?
07:37Ah, yes
07:37I am not here to kill you
07:39Okay
07:40Could be trick
07:41I often tell Dane
07:43Not going to kill you
07:44But then I do kill
07:45Very funny
07:46I realized it was unsporting of me to take your soul
07:49Before I made good on my end of the bargain
07:51I mean, you made a deal with the devil
07:53You should get something in return
07:55So, in exchange for Jay's soul
07:56I promised to take him to new heights of success
07:59To put him and his restaurant on the map
08:02So how long exactly do I have left to live?
08:05Gosh, I mean
08:06A rise from obscurity to the top of the culinary heap
08:08Could take decades
08:10Decades?
08:11Okay, I can work with decades
08:12No, I was saying it could take decades
08:15If I were a less incredible publicist
08:17But I pulled some strings and worked my connections
08:20And I secured you an appearance on
08:23Good Hang with Amy Poehler
08:25Oh, that's actually a really big podcast
08:28Yeah
08:28So what does this mean?
08:30It means that I fulfilled my end of the deal
08:32Oh, one more thing
08:33It tapes tomorrow
08:34After which you die
08:36So, make it a good hang
08:39For it shall be your last hang
08:44I can't believe you married this guy, Eddie
08:47I had two cousins to choose from
08:50And the other one had weird teeth
08:58Big ol' bag of gorp
08:59This is bad
09:00We gotta come up with a plan to save Jay's life
09:02And three clever anecdotes for Jay to talk about on the podcast
09:06We've all heard the pasta story
09:07That's not gonna cut it
09:08Okay, here's what I'm thinking
09:10I fill a Ziploc bag full of water
09:12Put it in the ghost trap
09:14And now little Jay has a waterbed
09:16Wait a minute
09:17The ghost trap?
09:18Yes, sweetie
09:19That's what it's called
09:20No, I'm saying
09:21What if we trick Elias into going inside it
09:24And hold him hostage
09:25Until he lets Jay out of the deal
09:26It's like what the cult did
09:28To get that radio DJ
09:29To read Bruce's manifesto on air
09:31A good idea undermined by a disturbing example
09:34The ghosts are saying
09:35We should try to trap Elias in the ghost trap
09:38Interesting
09:39Either he lets me out of the deal
09:41Or we use the evisceration function to destroy him
09:44But we can't trap a demon in a ghost trap
09:46We need to get him back to ghost form
09:48Right
09:48How are we gonna do that?
09:50Jay
09:51The good hanged folks want to know
09:52What you'd like for lunch in the green room tomorrow
09:54I don't know
09:55Big deal with double sonic smasher, I guess
09:58You're a chef, man
09:59What if I just refuse to go to the podcast?
10:02Is that some kind of loophole?
10:04Sadly, it's not
10:05And honestly, it's just rude to polar
10:07Who is lovely?
10:09Speaking of lovely
10:10Nice to see you again, Alberta
10:15Well, that must feel like a nice shot in the arm
10:18After the brutal public rejection from Peter
10:20Still think you're a super lady
10:23Hey, Elias seems like he's really into Alberta
10:25Maybe we could use that to lure him in the ghost form
10:27What do you mean?
10:28I'm just saying, if Elias were made to think he's got a shot with Birdie here
10:32He'd have to turn into a ghost to make a move
10:34You're suggesting a classic Hoboken honeypot?
10:36And before anything happens
10:37We make him come into contact with the ghost trap
10:40And boom, in he goes
10:41Sounds exciting
10:42I'm in
10:43Oh, Birdie's about to get flirty
10:44The ghosts are suggesting we have Alberta hit on Elias
10:47To get him back into ghost form
10:49Interesting
10:50And her confidence isn't shot from that whole Pete debacle
10:52Forget it, send his man to hell
10:54She can do it, Jay
10:55I certainly believe in her
10:57Shut up, Pete
11:00Well, I come to bid thee farewell
11:02Following my failed smiting
11:04I am returning to the dirt
11:06Where I shall live out eternity
11:07In shame
11:10Okay, bye
11:11Nice seeing you
11:11Wait, wait, patience
11:13Are you okay?
11:15I don't know
11:17For centuries I've wondered
11:19Why God hath abandoned me to this purgatory
11:21And then Elias came
11:23And it all made sense
11:25I was kept here to defeat the devil
11:28I think I'm here to entertain others with my stories
11:32I've never told you about the time I found a weird apple
11:35It just doth make no sense
11:37A good and pure soul should be able to vanquish evil
11:41Well, maybe
11:42And don't take this the wrong way
11:43It's possible that your soul isn't so pure
11:48Patience?
11:49Is true
11:50Patience spent much time saying others bad
11:54But not much time doing good
11:58Oh, so you're saying
12:00Patience talketh the talk
12:02But don't walketh the walk
12:04Yeseth
12:06Patience know what she need to
12:10Patience
12:14Now back to the apple story
12:16It was a red
12:17But it was a weird red
12:19No, he doesn't want something better
12:22He wants Sonic
12:26A man who goes after what he wants
12:28I wonder if there's anything else he has his eyes on
12:32Excuse me?
12:34It's just
12:35We don't get a lot of handsome strangers around here
12:39I'm sorry
12:40Is it hot in here?
12:43I'm not the best judge
12:44My condo is in the fiery pits of hell
12:47Ooh, a homeowner
12:51That's right
12:52When you're a demon
12:54I can't touch you
12:56Oh, there's an easy fix for that
13:02Hello
13:04Alright
13:04So you in ghost form now?
13:08Indeed
13:08I believe you were about to touch something
13:11No
13:12You're about to touch something
13:17He's in, Jay
13:20What's going on?
13:21You're in a ghost trap, Elias
13:23And I just hit the evisceration button
13:25You have five minutes to release me from our deal
13:27Or you're toast
13:29Now I'm going to wait for you to say something
13:31And have Sam tell me what you said
13:32Mm-hmm
13:32Why is everyone screaming?
13:35Who is that?
13:37Who are you?
13:39Oh, no
13:39Uh, Jay, I think we have a problem
13:42It seems as if Carol is also in the ghost trap
13:45Oh, crap
13:50Carol, what are you doing in there?
13:53Well, I was in the kitchen sniffing baked goods
13:55And Jay walked in with this strange little box
13:58I tried to poke my hat in to see what was inside
14:01Next thing you know, I'm in this weird little room
14:05Carol, I was holding the ghost trap for the last 20 minutes
14:08Why didn't you yell for help?
14:10I must have fallen asleep
14:11There's this really comfortable chair in here
14:15Barker lounger
14:16Great
14:16She would have been rescued
14:17But she fell asleep in your doll chair
14:19So I would have been comfortable
14:21Oh, this is rich
14:22You thought you had me
14:23Threatening to eviscerate me
14:25Unless I release Jay's soul
14:26But you can't destroy me
14:28Unless you destroy your precious Carol
14:31I don't know about precious
14:32Three minutes until evisceration
14:34Oh, can we stop the clock?
14:35Maybe we can just hold them hostage for a while
14:37The only way to stop the countdown is to let them out
14:40Or let them both, you know, poof
14:43Hetty
14:43I am just talking it out
14:45I mean, it would save Jay
14:48And it's Elias
14:49And Carol
14:50If we had to choose two ghosts to be eviscerated
14:53Would we be anywhere different right now?
14:55Really?
14:55Hmm?
14:56All right, so Carol's not quite the bargaining chip
14:57I thought I'd lucked into
14:59But we all know you don't have it in you
15:01To eviscerate an innocent ghost
15:03Innocent is strong
15:04She cuckolded Pete for years with his best friend
15:07And then she lied to him about his entire career
15:09Leaving him to believe he was a legitimate travel agent
15:12When he was actually an unwitting front for the mob
15:14I mean, some of those trips were real
15:16Although some in retrospect appear to have been assassinations
15:19You can also just kind of tell she voted for Nixon
15:22When you put it all together, she was kind of a bad person
15:25Jay, the ghosts are sort of implying that maybe it's okay if we sacrifice Carol
15:29Not all the ghosts
15:31Look, I know Carol is far from perfect
15:34But deep down, way, way down
15:36I know there's good inside her
15:40I don't want to go to hell, but
15:42I signed that deal
15:44I can't do that to somebody else
15:47Even Carol
15:53You tricked me, Jay
15:56Not cool
15:59He went back down
16:01Okay, so
16:03Maybe the danger's past?
16:05Yes, I'm sure that's it
16:08Jay's life ends now
16:10Elias, please, just
16:12Silence
16:14Oh my god
16:16He's got the force
16:17Oh my god, was that the force?
16:19Not important right now
16:19But did Pete say something about the force?
16:21Yes, Jay
16:22My man
16:23Look out
16:31Is Jay making lightsaber sounds?
16:34It helps him focus
16:34He's practiced this in the mirror
16:35You're ready, Jay
16:36You've got this
16:39Your soul will soon be mine, Jay
16:41And with it, my promotion
16:43From vice president
16:44To senior vice president
16:46With shared assistant
16:49Just stop, Elias
16:51Say goodbye, Samantha
16:53Wait
16:57Would you accept another soul in his stead?
17:01What happened, babe?
17:02Why'd he stop trying to kill me?
17:04I think Patience is volunteering to take your spot
17:07No way
17:08It's about time
17:10Patience walketh the walk
17:11Cool
17:12Let's make it official
17:15Oh, wow
17:16Wow, you can really feel the heat
17:19Um
17:20It's
17:21It's pretty toasty
17:22Patience
17:23I'm so touched
17:27Yeah, I'm out
17:28This is just beyond generous of you
17:30Seriously, I don't know how I'm ever gonna
17:31Jay, she bailed
17:32Damn it
17:33That feral little dirtball
17:35All right, Jay
17:36Time to die
17:41I'm scared, Sam
17:42I'm sorry I signed that contract
17:44I give you my blessing to remarry after a respectful seven years
17:48As long as it's not to Kyle
17:49I hate Kyle
17:51I love you, Sam
17:53I love you, Jay
17:54Not as much as I do
17:57Elias, take me instead
17:58Pete, no
17:59Peter
18:00Jay's my best friend
18:01He's got his whole life to live
18:03Works for me
18:09Oh my god
18:11Carol, what did you just do?
18:12Something I should have done a long time ago
18:14Done right by you
18:16Carol just sacrificed herself to save Pete
18:19Who also stepped up
18:20Oh my god
18:22All right, I haven't had one since high school
18:24But I need a cigarette
18:25Carol, you didn't have to do this
18:27You weren't a bad person
18:29We were just
18:31Different
18:31Like donuts
18:32And donut holes
18:34How do you mean?
18:36You know, because they come from different machines
18:37But it's all donut material
18:39No, I don't think so
18:42Okay
18:43Time to go
18:45Ta-ta
18:48Jay, you are officially free
18:50I was going to do it
18:52Some could say
18:53I sort of got the ball rolling
18:57Well, this is new
18:59No, no, no, no
19:01What's happening?
19:02She was going down
19:03But now she's getting sucked off
19:05This is incredible
19:07Bye, Pete
19:09Bye, everyone
19:11Tell Baxter
19:12I'll wait for him
19:14Yeah, right
19:15Thank you, Carol
19:20Her sacrifice must have been enough to cancel out going down
19:23Amazing
19:24Wow, this must suck for you
19:26You were so close
19:30Pretense
19:33New recliner
19:34I love it
19:37This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me
19:39Multiple ghosts just offered to go to hell for you, sir
19:42Well, you had a tough week
19:44I thought you deserved some relaxation
19:46I'm so glad I didn't lose you
19:48I'm glad Jay didn't go to hell
19:50But I'll miss Isaac
19:51I'm right here
19:53Okay, well, if you're Isaac
19:55Then who's Doug?
19:56There is no Doug
19:58We lost Doug?
20:00No, Doug!
20:03All right
20:03Everyone, we have an announcement
20:05Now that the danger has passed
20:07We'd like to let you all know that
20:10Pete and I finally smooched last week
20:13Oh, sick
20:14It's just like the doll version
20:17That is amazing
20:18It is amazing
20:19No, I'm talking to Pete and Alberta
20:21Apparently they kissed last week
20:23Let me get this right
20:24You kissed Peter
20:25And then he immediately volunteered to go to hell
20:27No, that's not
20:29The two are unconnected
20:31I don't like this narrative
20:33Oh, real big life is fixin' to be okay
20:37Okay
20:37Okay
20:40Okay
20:43Okay
20:48Okay
20:52Okay
Comments