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00:05Well, this is good.
00:07I'm not seeing anything in the local news
00:08about all the bodies we found in the bunker.
00:10That's one advantage to being on a first-name basis
00:13with the county coroner.
00:14Yeah, sounds like you guys successfully buried the bodies.
00:17Please repeat that for Jay, give me credit.
00:19Oh, this is a relief.
00:20We can't have news like that leaking on today of all days.
00:24Woodstone is being considered for inclusion
00:26on a prestigious list of top small hotels and B&Bs.
00:30The guy from the list is coming to check us out today.
00:32It's very important this goes well,
00:34so please no ghost shenanigans.
00:36I mean it.
00:39Oh, hello.
00:40You must be a cult ghost.
00:43They keep coming over from the bunker.
00:44We're sort of a cult ghost tourist attraction now.
00:47This feels very shenanigan adjacent.
00:50Nice to meet you.
00:50I'm Eugene, a fellow survivor.
00:53Have you also found it difficult to acclimate to the outside world?
00:56Isaac, you were in the cult for like four hours.
00:59All of them harrowing.
01:01Wait a second.
01:02Are you Eugene Woodstone?
01:04I am Hedy Woodstone, your ancestor.
01:06And I built this house.
01:07You know him?
01:08Yeah, he lived here for several months in the late 1960s.
01:11My parents shipped me up here
01:12so I wouldn't embarrass them at their precious garden parties.
01:16I was sort of the black sheep of the family.
01:19I'll say.
01:19Rumor has it this poor fellow was cursed
01:21with the infamous Woodstone tale.
01:22It's just a small bump at the base of the spine.
01:25It's fascinating.
01:27Does it wag when you're happy?
01:28I don't really want to talk about it.
01:30I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.
01:33I'm unafflicted.
01:34Not that it's important.
01:36What is going on?
01:37The cult ghost is also a distant relative.
01:39Oh, is he the reason that the cult was in our bunker?
01:42Yeah, I thought they liked me for my personality,
01:44but in retrospect,
01:45they just liked me because I had access to a bunker.
01:48Nailed it, Jay.
01:49Well, that sounds like quite the tale.
01:53I think he means T-A-L-E.
01:56He can't hear us.
01:58We don't have to dwell on it.
02:04Okay, Heidi's come to shower.
02:06I touched up the paint in the maple suite
02:08and I folded the toilet paper into those fancy little triangles.
02:13Now, I just need to take a load off.
02:17Oh, that's nice.
02:18I think we need to lose the recliner.
02:20What do you mean?
02:21Well, it's just not in line with the rest of the decor, is it?
02:24Agreed.
02:25It'd stick out like Chair Frazier's father on TV program, Frazier.
02:29I'm not familiar with that program.
02:31We didn't have a working TV in the bunker,
02:32so I would do a lot of magic for the cult.
02:34Oh, that's right.
02:36You were an aspiring magician.
02:38I recall your parents whispering shamefully.
02:40I didn't have my cups or rings,
02:42so I did a lot of thumb magic.
02:46By Odin, you're dumb.
02:49He's a warlock!
02:51Uh, Jay?
02:52Hedy was pointing out that the recliner doesn't go with the rest of the room
02:55and honestly, I kind of agree with her.
02:58I mean, with the list guy coming, why risk it?
03:00You got this for me as a gift.
03:02You remember when I almost got dragged to hell
03:03and you got this for me so I would feel better?
03:05Right, so how about we just move it into another room,
03:08somewhere less public?
03:09Can't move into Thorfinn's room.
03:11Oh, that's nice.
03:12Thor's offering to take it.
03:14It'll be fun new place for Thor and Flour to fornicate.
03:17And that's all he said.
03:19Fine, if it'll help us with the list.
03:21Speaking of which, I've been emailing with some other B&Bs
03:24and they're telling me this guy expects us to grease his palm.
03:26Like a bribe?
03:27Like a very nice welcome gift.
03:29So I did some insta-stalking and turns out he's really into antiques.
03:33Well, that's great.
03:34We have a ton of old crap around here.
03:36Uh-uh.
03:36I mean, exquisite heirlooms.
03:38Hey, Thor, I think there's something behind your ear.
03:41Oh, it's my thumb.
03:45You are most impressive sorcerer.
03:48Yet you could never conjure a job or a wife.
03:52Abracadabra!
03:53I think not.
03:55So, what do you think?
03:58Isn't that Jay's recliner?
04:00Yeah, Sam gave to Jay to demonstrate her eternal love.
04:04But then get rid of her for some minor decorating concerns.
04:07So now we are lucky recipients.
04:10Wow.
04:12Thanks, Thor.
04:13Uh, it's just, um, I can't have this in my room.
04:17It's made of leather.
04:19So?
04:20So they killed a cow to make that.
04:23That cow could have had a family.
04:24A mom.
04:25A dad.
04:26Maybe a secret lover.
04:28Yes, but chair very comfy, so we keeping.
04:32Thor, you're not listening to me.
04:35I'm telling you, I don't want the chair.
04:36And Thor telling you, we keeping it.
04:39Thor not care that chair was once unfaithful cow.
04:42Fine, Thor.
04:43Keep the stupid chair.
04:46Now, on the other subject,
04:48can you check Thor's ear for strange thumbs?
04:52Thor think Thor might have a problem.
04:55But this guy's pulling up.
04:56Did you settle on something to give him?
04:58No, Hedy was being impossible.
05:00She was claiming some sentimental attachment to every item in the house.
05:03Okay, well, is she in here right now?
05:05No, Alberta made up a lie to get her to the restaurant.
05:07Great, well, then just pick anything.
05:09How about that paperweight?
05:10Oh, no, apparently that was Hedy's correcting paperweight
05:12that she would sometimes throw at the butler's.
05:14Yeah, I can see how that could be a very special keepsake for her.
05:17What about that box?
05:18It's pretty.
05:21Yeah, this is nice.
05:23Fine, let's just do it.
05:24But what if it's important to Hedy?
05:26Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
05:28That's what Ben Franklin said
05:29before polishing off the entire Christmas goose.
05:32Ah, hello, I'm Paul from Boutique Hotels of the World.
05:36Hi, Paul, I'm Samantha.
05:37This is my husband, Jay.
05:39Welcome to Woodstone.
05:40The judging begins with your handshake.
05:44Adequate.
05:45He's pretty snickety and overly formal.
05:47I like a very interesting older property you have here.
05:50That's a nice way of calling it a dump.
05:52Give him the gift, Sammy.
05:54Grease that palm.
05:55Uh, we have a welcome gift for you.
05:57It's this box.
05:58Oh, this is exquisite.
06:01What a rare find.
06:03An early 19th century parlor box with steeple-tip hinges.
06:08Oh, that was a waste of time.
06:10Alberta thought she saw Colin Farrell at Mahesh.
06:13In my defense, as a celebrity, I have celebrity blindness.
06:16Well, you must be exhausted after your travels.
06:18Yeah, let me show you to your room.
06:20Is that the list fellow?
06:21Why is he holding my parlor box?
06:23You didn't give him that as a welcome gift, did you?
06:25Yes, I did, and just deal with it.
06:27You really should have asked me first.
06:29Why?
06:29You would have just said no.
06:31Yes, I would have.
06:32Because it has a false bottom full of cocaine.
06:35What?
06:35That's right.
06:37Peru's finest.
06:38So unless the purity of your narcotics is one of the list categories on which you're being judged,
06:44I suggest you get that box back.
06:46Huh.
06:52Why was there cocaine in the box?
06:54Because it was my box, and I love cocaine.
06:56Can't argue with that explanation.
06:58Plus, that was in here this whole time.
06:59I was searching for it frantically when I possessed your husband.
07:02I was going to return him to you with a hole in a septum the size of Rhode Island.
07:05Hey, babe.
07:06Oh.
07:07This is going so well.
07:09He thinks the room is super cute.
07:10He loved the folded toilet paper.
07:12Jay, the box we gave him has a false bottom that's full of cocaine.
07:15Damn it, Ghost.
07:17That falls squarely in the shenanigans zone.
07:20Shenanigans zone.
07:21I used to take Laura there when she was a little girl.
07:23Great pizza.
07:24Maybe this isn't a problem.
07:25Maybe this guy loves drugs.
07:27This is really bad.
07:29Even if he doesn't find it, he could get busted when he goes through security at the airport.
07:33We're not going to get on the list if Paul's in jail, Sam.
07:36Why don't you just ask for the box back?
07:38We can't take it back.
07:39He loves it.
07:40Plus, if you ask for it back now, it's just going to seem like you heard him say how valuable
07:44it was and that you wanted to keep it for yourselves.
07:46I'm sorry.
07:47I suggested that box.
07:49Another typical Eugene screw-up.
07:51Stupid Eugene.
07:52Look, this ain't that hard.
07:54You just got to wait for him to leave the room, find the box, empty out the drugs, and then
07:57put the box back.
07:58I've done this a million times.
08:00Alberta's saying we should sneak into the room, take the box, and get rid of the drugs.
08:03All I'm hearing are shenanigans, shenanigans, shenanigans.
08:06One seat at every table had a whoopee cushion.
08:09Shenanigans.
08:11Oh, can we watch that murder show again?
08:14I just want to watch whatever Thor wants to watch.
08:16He's a big, strong man, and he makes all my decisions for me.
08:20What now?
08:21I'm sorry, is everything okay between you two?
08:23Flower a little upset because I put foot down and decide to keep chair and room despite being
08:28made from promiscuous cow.
08:30Okay, hold on.
08:31I don't mean to butt in, but it sounds like maybe you guys are having some problems communicating.
08:36You know, I'd be happy to help.
08:37I was a travel agent.
08:39So?
08:40So, being a travel agent is basically like being a couples counselor.
08:44One person wants to go to Fiji, the other person wants to go to Paris.
08:47Well, it was my job to help them find common ground and steer them toward Orlando.
08:52You can't beat it.
08:54God, that place is the best.
08:56You missed a spot.
08:58Oh, I'm just pretending.
08:59I'm waiting for Paul to leave so I can get into his room.
09:01Seems just as easy to actually dust as it is to pretend to dust.
09:05Can you not right now?
09:07Okay, he just left to go on a walk.
09:09Isaac, let us know if he comes back.
09:12Will do.
09:13I was the captain.
09:14I think I can handle a simple lookout.
09:17Hey, man.
09:18Hello, Eugene.
09:18I can't be bothered right now.
09:20I'm carrying out a very important mission.
09:22That's cool.
09:24Crazy about the cult, huh?
09:27Indeed.
09:27I heard you got in on the first try.
09:31Really?
09:32You heard about that?
09:33Yeah, you're like the talk of the cult.
09:36How did you do it, by the way?
09:37It's like unheard of.
09:39Well, you see, Eugene, it's all about confidence.
09:43When confidence meets competence, well, then you get something very special.
09:49Now, press on this part with your thumb to release the false bottom.
09:53I got it.
09:54Now, do a little and describe it to me.
09:57Slowly.
09:58Sam!
09:59He's coming!
10:00He came back early.
10:01No!
10:03Up.
10:04Up.
10:06Up.
10:10Under the bed!
10:11That's what you chose!
10:12Sam, you work here.
10:14You could have been changing towels or re-triangling the toilet paper.
10:19Oh, and now we're sitting down to read a book.
10:21Boy, are you in a big mess.
10:25Thank you for agreeing to do couples therapy with a licensed travel agent.
10:29I think you've made a very wise decision.
10:31Do travel agents need licenses?
10:33They do not, but I made one for myself.
10:36Laminated it and everything.
10:37Now, Flower, you were saying you didn't like how Thor handled this disagreement.
10:42Yeah, he was just so stubborn about it.
10:45Argument is like battle.
10:48It must be won at all costs.
10:51It is actually very similar to disagreement Thor have long ago with Viking wife Olga.
10:57Olga!
10:58I have returned from Battle Victorious.
11:01Oh, Thor.
11:02How I've missed you.
11:04Oh, Thor think about you all time.
11:07In fact, Thor bring you back souvenir from Denmark.
11:12This Dane head will look perfect on being.
11:18Tie room together.
11:20Huh?
11:21Huh?
11:22So you're saying she didn't want to hang a severed head in your living room?
11:26Yeah.
11:27Olga want Thor to put head in fish room where no one see.
11:30But Thor get his way, Thor not back down, Thor win argument.
11:36Like battle, you see.
11:38The only thing I see is that you're making the exact same mistakes in our relationship
11:42as you made with Olga a thousand years ago.
11:45No, I'm not.
11:45Yes, you are.
11:47No!
11:48Whatever.
11:49This is pointless.
11:51No, it's not!
11:55And just like that, battle won.
12:01Right.
12:02I was going to take a walk, but it looked like rain.
12:05Don't panic, Samantha.
12:06This conversation sounds like it's winding down, after which point he'll surely leave.
12:10Oh, no.
12:11Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
12:14Tell me everything.
12:16I give a volt.
12:17Where's Jay already?
12:18I thought you texted Jay.
12:21Hey, Paul!
12:23Oh, I'll call you right back.
12:24And here is Jay, armed with what I am sure is a can't-miss gambit.
12:28You want to see a lizard on the porch?
12:30Well, I'm deathly allergic to lizards.
12:32But thank you for the warning.
12:34I'll stay right here.
12:35Come on, Jay.
12:36Actually, why don't you come down to the restaurant?
12:38I made some hors d'oeuvres special for you.
12:41Oh, yeah.
12:43That sounds very nice.
12:44Let me just change into my loafers.
12:47Now, where are my loafers?
12:50Ah.
12:50Oh, he's going to look under the bed.
12:52Oh, damn it, Samantha.
12:54If you had partook, you would have at least be high as a kite right now.
12:57Sam!
12:58Here he comes.
12:59What the hell?
13:01Here's your loafers.
13:07Samantha?
13:08Hi.
13:09Hi.
13:11Hi.
13:12Eventually, she's going to have to say something other than hi.
13:15He got by me.
13:16I don't know how.
13:18So, it's a funny story.
13:19I was just coming in here to change the sheets, and I lost a contact lens, which I could have
13:24sworn rolled under the bed.
13:26You know, I've seen a lot of innkeepers try a lot of different things to gain an advantage.
13:32Hidden cameras listening at the door, but hiding under a bed?
13:36No, it's nothing like that.
13:38I just, I have narcolepsy.
13:40I fell asleep.
13:41Well, that settles that.
13:42Paul, would you like to see our magical creek?
13:44My cousin has narcolepsy.
13:46What do you take for it?
13:48Oh, no.
13:49He's testing you, Samantha.
13:50Tread carefully.
13:52There is no medication for narcolepsy.
13:56There are several.
13:58Right.
13:58Listen, I don't know what you two are up to, but I've seen enough to know that Woodstone
14:02B&B is nowhere near worthy of my list.
14:05Please leave my room.
14:07Sorry.
14:09I rode a narcoleptic horse once.
14:11It was a short ride.
14:13Let me ask you something, Thor.
14:15After you won this argument with Olga about the Dane's head, was anything different between
14:21you two?
14:21Now that you mention it, maybe there are a few things.
14:25Olga really not want to hang out in that room.
14:28She not want to watch fire with Thor anymore.
14:32Made Thor very lonely.
14:34That's tough.
14:36Thor, are you familiar with the concept of a Pyrrhic victory?
14:40I think you know answer to that.
14:41Well, it was named after a king who won a battle, but he lost so many men in the process
14:47that he realized it may not have been worth it.
14:49And in the end, he lost the war.
14:51Oh, so sometimes someone can win battle of argument, but lose war of relationship.
15:01Not exactly how I would put it, but yeah, it seems like you're getting the general concept.
15:05Yes!
15:07Thorwyn therapy!
15:09Sure.
15:10I can't believe this.
15:12We screwed up so bad.
15:14Babe, we can't beat ourselves up.
15:16Who would have guessed that there would have been a bunch of cocaine in an old wooden box?
15:22Yes.
15:23Who indeed?
15:24Oh, wait.
15:26Me.
15:26What are you talking about?
15:28Pretty ironic, huh?
15:29The so-called screw-up of the family flawlessly executes a revenge plan?
15:32I was the one who suggested the box in the first place, which I knew from family lore is where
15:39Hedy Woodstone kept her stash.
15:41Using cocaine for nefarious purposes?
15:44How dare you?
15:45Then I intentionally distracted Isaac so that Paul would catch you in his room.
15:50That is no way to treat a cult brother.
15:52Is it because I got in on the first try?
15:54Hmm?
15:54Is it jealousy?
15:55I don't understand.
15:56Why would you do this?
15:58Because I hate the Woodstones.
16:01This family treated me like a freak just because I was different.
16:05Hey, how you feel about tacos tonight?
16:07Shh.
16:08I think Eugene is doing his villain origin story, but yeah, tacos do sound good.
16:12I never fit in.
16:14I marched to the beat of my own drum.
16:16I told my parents I wanted to go to magic school.
16:20Is that a real thing?
16:21I don't know, but I want to stuff this guy in a locker.
16:23But my parents forced me to go to a fancy college.
16:26I couldn't keep up.
16:27Eventually, when I flunked out, they told me I didn't deserve the Woodstone name.
16:33Eugene, I just have one thing to say to you after all of this.
16:37I'm sorry.
16:39What?
16:41For generations, we Woodstones have spent too much time concealing anything that made us seem less than perfect.
16:48I spent a century hiding my son's crimes and also the nature of my own demise, and it only ever
16:56led to isolation and loneliness.
16:59So I say no more.
17:01Yes!
17:01They got the poblano tonight.
17:03Shame is a problem that is passed down in families, not unlike the Woodstone tale.
17:09And the only cure for shame is sunlight, which unfortunately is not a cure for the Woodstone tale.
17:16They tried that.
17:17Thank you for saying that, Hedy.
17:21I agree with Hedy.
17:23I don't condone your actions, but I do understand them now.
17:27And I think I have an idea.
17:29Oh!
17:30Is it to see if you can hang a coat on it?
17:33On what?
17:36Come on.
17:39Paul, we need to talk to you.
17:40Thank you, but I'm not interested in hearing any more fabrications.
17:44That's just it.
17:45I was lying to you.
17:47I snuck into your room to steal back the box we gave you because it's full of cocaine.
17:53Excuse me?
17:54Girl, what are you doing?
17:56We didn't realize there were drugs in it when we gave it to you.
17:59But the truth is, an antique box full of 19th century narcotics perfectly epitomizes this family.
18:04I've been so preoccupied trying to paint a rosy picture.
18:08This property's history is so much messier and so much more interesting.
18:12Like Hedy, the woman who owned that box, her son murdered a jazz singer right inside this house.
18:19And Hedy's husband, he was this brutal robber baron who died before he could be held accountable for his sins.
18:24He suffocated in a secret vault in the basement.
18:28And he was riddled with syphilis.
18:29Add that, please.
18:30Right out there on the lawn, an innocent cuckold was shot through the neck by a 10-year-old girl.
18:36Okay, I guess it's just nice to be included.
18:38This mansion's history is full of bootlegging and murder and war and...
18:43Syphilis.
18:45Syphilis.
18:46The point is that I was so worried the Woodstone's flaws would stop us from being on the list.
18:50But honestly, I think you should put us on it because of them.
18:56Well, what do you think, Paul?
18:59You're telling me this box is full of cocaine?
19:02Uh, yeah.
19:05Can I keep it?
19:06Excuse me?
19:07If I can keep it, you make the list.
19:10There it is.
19:11There's a little bit of Woodstone in all of us.
19:14It's yours.
19:15Great.
19:16We'll be in touch.
19:18Congratulations.
19:19Well, thank you.
19:21Didn't go how I expected it to go, but it'll make a hell of a tale.
19:26Come on, man!
19:31What are we watching?
19:33Oh, House Hunters.
19:34No, I mean, what is that thing?
19:37That's a television, sweetie.
19:39Oh, right on.
19:41Flower, do you have a moment?
19:43What do you want, Thor?
19:45Thor want to talk to you about argument we have earlier.
19:48If Flower not want chair in our room, then we can get rid of chair because relationship
19:54are about compromise, and compromise mean doing what women want.
19:59Really, Thor?
20:01Do you mean that?
20:02Thor may be oldest ghost, but sometimes slowest to learn lesson.
20:07But to Flower willing to be patient, Thor will make effort because Flower worth it.
20:15Aw.
20:16You're worth it, too, big guy.
20:20Love making is imminent!
20:22Yay!
20:22But they about to pick the house!
20:24He ought to go into a different room!
20:26No.
20:27Too late.
20:28Process has already started.
20:29Sorry.
20:30You're welcome to watch.
20:31Join in.
20:32Cheering is appreciated.
20:33I'm going.
20:34I'm going.
20:35Let me know what happens.
20:37Well, first, Thor is going...
20:38No, I meant the show!
20:40God darn you freaks!
20:52I'm going.
21:11You're welcome.
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