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00:29Satsang with Mooji
00:41The ABC regrets to advise viewers that due to technical problems,
00:45bananas in pyjamas will not be seen this afternoon.
00:48Or to rephrase that for fans of the show...
00:51Bananas in pyjamas are gone.
00:54Bye-bye-byes.
00:56Can you say bye-bye?
00:57Bye-bye.
01:00And the tribe of Ishmael shall gather by the side of the golden calf.
01:04Now, before I pronounce you man and wife,
01:06if there is anyone here today who knows of any reason
01:08why this couple should not be joined together in holy matrimony,
01:11speak now or forever hold your peace.
01:17Anyone?
01:19Anyone?
01:20Do we have any objections at all?
01:22Is anybody going to start me off?
01:24What about you, sir?
01:26Oh, they're too young.
01:28Very good, thank you.
01:28I'll start the objections at too young.
01:30Do I have any advance on too young?
01:31Anyone?
01:32Anyone?
01:32They hardly know each other.
01:33Thank you, madam.
01:34They hardly know each other.
01:35Any advance on they hardly know each other?
01:37He's only marrying her for her money.
01:38Yes, good objection there from a concerned and very wealthy father of the bride,
01:42but we can do better than that.
01:43Look at them, ladies and gentlemen.
01:44A stupid young couple who are rushing into a nasty, hasty and doomed marriage
01:47doesn't come along every day.
01:49This is an opportunity not to be missed.
01:51So come on.
01:51The bride's a moron.
01:53The bride's a moron.
01:53Thank you very much.
01:54The bride's got a head like a bashed crab.
01:56Any advance on bashed crab?
01:57A bashed crab?
01:58A bashed crab?
01:59Any advance to bashed crab?
02:00Yes, yes.
02:01She fancies his brother.
02:02She fancies his brother?
02:03Any advance on that?
02:04He's lousy in bed.
02:05Excellent bid there from the mother of the bride.
02:08I'm seeing a nod of agreement throughout the congregation,
02:10so are there any more bids from anyone?
02:12I want to shag the bride.
02:13That's going to be very hard to beat.
02:15Are there any more bids?
02:16Any more bids?
02:17No?
02:18OK.
02:19He wants to shag the bride once.
02:21Wants to shag the bride twice.
02:23Last chance, folks.
02:24I'm gay.
02:26The groom is gay.
02:27That is an excellent objection, sir,
02:28and not a moment too soon.
02:30Ladies and gentlemen, is that our final objection?
02:32The groom is gay.
02:33Going once.
02:33Going twice.
02:34I'm pregnant.
02:35That's not an objection.
02:37But you're the father.
02:38Gone.
02:43The ABC regrets to advise viewers
02:45that due to a continuing technical problem,
02:47the Four Corners special on Pauline Hanson
02:49will not be seen tonight.
02:50Or to rephrase that for Miss Hanson's supporters...
02:54Pauline, all gone.
02:56Bye-bye, guys.
02:58Say bye-bye, Pauline.
03:00Bye-bye.
03:02Bye-bye.
03:31Okay, let me get this straight.
03:32You want to take off Caster Troy's face
03:34and stick it on mine
03:35so that I can go into a brutal high-tech prison
03:38so I can talk to his brother
03:40to find out the exact location of a super bomb
03:42that is hidden somewhere in the city of Los Angeles?
03:46Yes.
03:47Okay, when did you actually decide
03:49that you could take someone's entire face off?
03:52Well, I used to be Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.
03:55Okay, so what we're going to do
03:56is we're going to build up your chest,
03:58we're going to lose those love handles,
03:59and we're going to alter your voice
04:01so it's Caster Troy's exact replica.
04:03I just wonder, I just wonder,
04:05could we add a few inches just down...
04:06We can't perform miracles.
04:09How do you propose to do the operation?
04:10with this advanced piece of surgical equipment.
04:13Won't that hurt?
04:14Oh, yeah.
04:16What, you don't want the pain?
04:19All right, bring in the $5 million face-swapping gizmo.
04:22I suppose you know it's going to get blood all over it.
04:37What? What is it?
04:42Sean, you know how sometimes during an operation
04:45things can get a little confusing?
04:47Well, we got confused,
04:49and, um, you know Caster Troy?
04:51Yeah.
04:52Okay.
04:52Well, it seems he was upside down
04:55when we did the operation.
04:56You mean...
04:57You're shit-faced.
05:04This morning while I was driving to work,
05:06I was accosted by four smelly protesters
05:08complaining about my fur coat,
05:10my fur car seat covers,
05:12the fox tail on my aerial,
05:13and the dead wallaby in the front seat.
05:15I just want to say there's nothing wrong with fur.
05:17It's biodegradable,
05:18and it's warm,
05:20especially if the animal's just been shot.
05:22If they want to complain about something,
05:24why don't they complain about the price?
05:26For the money they charge for a fox fur,
05:28you may as well buy a couple of puppies
05:29from a dog's home and skin them yourself.
05:31If I was going to skin puppies,
05:34I'd be sure to use Wilshire's Stay Sharp knives,
05:36always ready to cut through veggies,
05:38meat,
05:38or mutt.
05:40Here's a poem.
05:43How much is that doggy in the window?
05:45The one with the waggly tail.
05:48I'd quite like to purchase that canine
05:50because you can't make nice gloves from a whale.
06:03Right, okay, well, first up,
06:06here we are, great, fantastic,
06:08we're, well, oh, oh, gone again.
06:11All right.
06:12Uh, Oasis, what a band.
06:14Okay, yeah, uh, they're great.
06:16Um, look, do yourself a favour,
06:18buy the single, buy the album,
06:19I'll, you know, buy anything really
06:21because it's great.
06:22All right, um,
06:24they're with me in the studio tonight,
06:25they're talking to me.
06:26Oasis, welcome to the country.
06:29Uh, Liam, Noel.
06:30Okay, we hear a lot of stories about,
06:32you know, you're at each other all the time
06:35in a kind of physical way,
06:36you know, fighting, that kind of thing.
06:38Okay, so we're thinking, you know,
06:39what's happening with Oasis?
06:40Are they going to split up?
06:41Oh, do you?
06:42You know, all right, so,
06:43what's the situation now?
06:45Well, it's like, you know...
06:46Oh, no, after you, Liam.
06:47No, after you, Noel.
06:49I've come to realise, you know,
06:51it's a question of give and take.
06:53Oh, all right, has your...
06:54Okay, has your stormy relationship,
06:56you know, as it is,
06:57had much of an effect, um,
06:59on the other, um,
07:00members of the band?
07:01What?
07:02Are there other people in the band?
07:03Of course there are, you stupid git.
07:05You know, there's that guy,
07:07what's his name?
07:07Sits up the back, hitting things.
07:10I thought that was me.
07:11No, you stand up the front, hitting things.
07:12Oh, right, sod it.
07:13Well, think nothing of it.
07:14You too, can't.
07:15Right, right, I...
07:17Liam, which...
07:18which tracks stand out for you?
07:19Well, they're all classics, aren't they?
07:21I mean, Wonderwall, that was a hit.
07:23Don't Look Back in Anger,
07:24that was a huge hit.
07:27We're really hoping that our latest single,
07:28do you know what I mean,
07:29will be a really big...
07:32success.
07:36Well, okay, um, fantastic.
07:39See the Gallaghers back together again,
07:40making beautiful music,
07:41right both in the studio and outside.
07:43So, okay, uh, let's take a look
07:45at their latest hit.
07:47Hit?
07:48I'll give you a hit, Molly.
07:50Yep, all right, yep, yep, fantastic.
07:53That's right, all right.
07:54Don't touch the hat.
07:55Oh, my God!
07:56Oh, my God!
08:07The dark sun is where an anorak stands,
08:10like you've got a pull,
08:11shook up your crack,
08:12write bad lyrics for people
08:14what cannot read.
08:17Tell the press,
08:18you're bigger than Christ,
08:20it worked for John Lennon,
08:21it should work twice,
08:22When you've got no talent, it's the only way to succeed
08:27Punch your brother in the gawk
08:30And misbehave like a drunken york
08:32Get patsy cancer in the sack
08:35And I'm telling you, man, you'll never, never look back
08:38Cos all the people can see by now
08:41That we've gone too far
08:45Yeah, yeah
08:48With all the Beatles' song catalogue
08:52In our repertoire
08:55Yeah, yeah
08:58Oh, bloody and no blood die
09:01Baby, you can drive my car
09:04We'll go get you down Penny Lane
09:06All our songs sound the same
09:09Oh, yeah, please let it be
09:14Recycling
09:16Yeah, yeah
09:19I'm the walrus
09:21Well, I am the walrus
09:23Ballers
09:51Boom
09:51Welcome to the programme
09:52The New South Wales Father's Day Council last week elected its 1997 Father of the Year
09:57and he joins me in the studio now.
09:59Good evening, John Howard.
10:00Yeah, nice to be here, Kerry.
10:02John Howard, you must be thrilled to have been voted Father of the Year.
10:06Well, look, absolutely, Kerry.
10:08Especially since so many people think of me as a complete mother.
10:14In my role as Australian Prime Minister.
10:17Now, I like to think of myself as Father of the Nation.
10:22Really?
10:23And each and every one of you are my children.
10:27Okay.
10:28Including you, son.
10:32I'd like you to call me Daddy.
10:36Yep, forget it.
10:38No, look, hang on.
10:41I know, I know, I know, I know.
10:45I know we've never seen eye to eye on a number of issues.
10:48Well...
10:49But I want to try and make things better between us.
10:53I think it's time for a friendly father to son chat.
10:57Yeah, I don't think so.
10:58Now, come on, you can talk to me about just about anything.
11:01I'll have to ask you, you're not still wetting the bed, are you?
11:05Yeah, John Howard, I'm not your son.
11:10Well, you know, that really hurts me to hear you say that.
11:15To hear you say that, Karens.
11:17When I think of the times I've tucked you into Betty Box and given you a bathy-warthakins.
11:22I don't believe this.
11:23But it doesn't have to be like this, Kerry.
11:26I want to get to know you and you to get to know me.
11:31I want us to go on camping trips together.
11:34Now, go to the football.
11:36Now, shop for underpants together.
11:37Yeah, John, I think we've just better leave it there.
11:41Kerry, Kerry, Kerry.
11:42Oh, I sense, I sense that there is something wrong.
11:46Yeah, nothing's wrong.
11:48Now, look, Kerry, Kerry.
11:50Father knows best, Kerry.
11:51Now, you tell me, tell me honestly now,
11:54have you been touching yourself?
11:58What?
11:59No, it's all right.
12:01You can tell me.
12:02That's what I'm here for.
12:04Oh, yeah.
12:05Yeah, but where were you when I really needed you?
12:09You know, I try to do this TV program, but I need your support.
12:13My secretary calls you up to get you on the show,
12:15but you're always away on business or at some dinner
12:18or you're off talking to...
12:20Ray.
12:22He's your favourite, isn't he?
12:24Well, yeah.
12:24I just don't think that you're proud of what I do.
12:27You have never once said to me,
12:30well done.
12:32It's hard.
12:33Well, in answer to that, Kerry,
12:36it's all I can say is I cannot change the past,
12:38but what I can say is to you tonight,
12:42I am sorry.
12:45The apology accepted.
13:07One final question, Jon.
13:09Hey, yes, Kerry, can I borrow the car tonight?
13:11Yeah, borrow the car and don't be home too long.
13:21All right.
13:23Check out the bird in a sports car.
13:26Gosh, Megs.
13:40What do you want?
13:42I want to give in.
13:43Sorry, mate, no homosexuals allowed.
13:46But he's a gay nightclub.
13:49So how do we know you're gay?
13:51Yeah, you might just be a straight bloke with good taste.
13:56Okay.
14:05How's that?
14:07You're all right, in your go.
14:10Hooray!
14:11Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:25What do you reckon?
14:27I reckon he's got much hope of pulling a bird dressed like that.
14:35Pauline's Playroom, Pauline's Playroom.
14:38Button your lips, kids, and put on your thinking caps.
14:40It's time for Pauline's Playroom.
14:48Now, hello, boys and girls, and welcome to my playroom.
14:52Now, who can tell me what time it is?
14:55Now, I'll give you a clue.
14:56The big hand is pointing north, to where all the chinky-chinks are.
15:01And the little hand is pointing to the south,
15:03where all the smart-arts intellectuals live.
15:06So, it must be anyone?
15:08Anyone?
15:09Well, it's pretty obvious.
15:10It's time the government got off its fat backside
15:13and started listening to the real people
15:14and doing something about immigration.
15:18Anyway, now it's time to look through the magic mirror.
15:22Now, I can see...
15:24Oh, a single mother living off my taxes.
15:27And a little boy called...
15:29Ng.
15:30Now, what sort of a name is that?
15:32And two men holding hands.
15:35Oh, that's disgusting.
15:36Oh, this thing makes me sick.
15:39Anyway, why don't I tell you a story?
15:41Yay!
15:43Now, this one is called Ready Locks
15:46and the Little Prime Minister Who Couldn't.
15:49Now, once upon a time,
15:51there was a beautiful young servant girl named Ready Locks.
15:55Now, she had a very hard life
15:57working day after day at the fish and chip shop.
16:00And then one day,
16:02when she was cleaning out the chip fryer,
16:04Ready Locks found an object with special powers.
16:07It was a magic Chico Roll.
16:11Now, Ready Locks used the magic Chico Roll
16:14and became so popular
16:15that she could move to the magic kingdom of Canberra.
16:24Now, she made many special friends there.
16:27There was Tim Fisher,
16:31Peter Costello,
16:35and, of course,
16:39little Johnny Howard,
16:40the little Prime Minister who couldn't.
17:01I woke up this morning
17:03like the night before
17:05in a pool of vomit
17:08on a very floor.
17:12Oh, that's really cool, dude.
17:14Thanks.
17:15You know, it'd sound even better
17:17if you had an electric amplifier.
17:19Oh, no, I prefer to play acoustic.
17:25I'll call myself
17:26the Pied Piper of Hanson, she said.
17:29And then she started playing her Chico Roll.
17:32Toot, toot, toot.
17:34And all the people who didn't belong there,
17:37like those who just arrived.
17:42And those who'd been there for 40,000 years
17:45all followed her
17:47and went back to where they came from.
17:49Hooray!
17:50And everybody lived happily ever after.
17:53Well, everybody except the foreigners
17:54and the witch negro eaters
17:55and the single mothers
17:56and the homosexuals
17:57and the perverts
17:57and the kebab eaters
17:58and the Collingwood supporters.
18:01And the vegetarians
18:02and the left-handed people
18:03and the educated people
18:04and people who were born in Adelaide
18:05and people called Anthony
18:06and the Buddhists
18:06and the Jews
18:07and the Rastafarians
18:08and all the other creeps,
18:09screwballs and freaks.
18:11So, did you enjoy the story?
18:13Please explain.
18:15Well, that sounds like
18:16the cue for a song.
18:18And here to help me sing it
18:19are my special friends
18:20that have stuck by me,
18:21the Wiberals.
18:29Hello, boys and girls.
18:31Gee, thanks for coming, boys.
18:32Well, you know us, Pauline.
18:34Anything you say.
18:36Not that we agree with you or anything.
18:38Oh, no, no, no.
18:39Golly, no.
18:40In fact, we take issue
18:41with a lot of the things you say.
18:43And we're not afraid to stand up.
18:44Oh, look, shut up, little man.
18:45Let's just sing the song.
18:47Oh, good, eh?
18:47Here's Tim.
18:52Some people say I'm over the top
18:54But they never had a fish and chip shop
18:57Or those chips just might explain
18:59How I came to fry my brain
19:01Please explain.
19:02Please explain.
19:03Explain.
19:05Explain.
19:07We're indecisive,
19:08some would say,
19:09but what would they know anyway?
19:11We don't agree with Pauline's view,
19:14but then again, perhaps we do.
19:16Please explain.
19:17Please explain.
19:18Explain.
19:19Explain.
19:21Now, I don't agree with what you say,
19:23but lots of people say you're okay,
19:25so if it gets me a vote or two,
19:28then count me in, Pauline.
19:29I'm with you.
19:31Please explain.
19:32Please explain.
19:33Explain.
19:34Explain.
19:37But if you don't like what you see,
19:39don't blame me.
19:40Or me.
19:41Or me.
19:42Your parents have voted.
19:44They're to blame.
19:44So just ask them to please explain.
19:47Everybody.
19:48Please explain.
19:49Please explain.
19:50Explain.
19:51Explain.
19:52Oh, fuck.
19:53You are right.
19:53He does.
19:54I don't know.
20:11This is the most secure prison in the world.
20:15The only way you will ever get out of here
20:17is in a bag.
20:20Okay.
20:21Listen up.
20:22I'd like you all to welcome our latest scum,
20:25terrorist, killer, and psychopath,
20:28Castor Troy.
20:29No, no, I'm not.
20:30It's not me.
20:31Oh, wait a minute.
20:33Yeah.
20:34Yeah, it is me.
20:35That's right.
20:36I'm Castor Troy.
20:37I'm crazy.
20:38I mean, I, I, I punch chickens, okay?
20:41Hey, I, I, I, sorry.
20:44Now, you will be issued with magnetic boots
20:46that allow us to control you.
20:50And what size would you like, sir?
20:52Nine and a half.
20:54We only have one four and one twelve.
20:58Have a nice day.
21:02Hey.
21:03Hey.
21:04Hey, little bro.
21:06How do I know you're my real brother?
21:12Castor?
21:14Now, to find out where the bomb is hitting
21:16without arousing suspicions,
21:18I'll have to be really clever.
21:20Hey, little bro.
21:22Where'd I hide that bomb?
21:24You mean the one in the convention center?
21:27Hey, Phil.
21:28You got a visitor.
21:31Nice.
21:32Nice.
21:40What the?
21:41You've got my face.
21:43And that's not all.
21:44I've killed everyone who knew.
21:46I've taken over your life.
21:47I wear your clothes.
21:48I play your Nintendo.
21:50And I sleep with your wife.
21:53You bastard.
21:55I love that Nintendo.
21:57He's not me.
21:58I'm me.
21:59No.
21:59I'm him.
22:00Well, I knew that the first night he stayed.
22:02They said it was medically impossible
22:04to make it any smaller.
22:06Touche.
22:07You got to tell the guards,
22:09you got to get me out of here.
22:10Well, what's the hurry?
22:18You've got to get me out of here.
22:20Turn on the magnetic boots.
22:27Yeah!
22:28Yeah!
22:37Yeah, I've got this new filling put in here, right?
22:40See?
22:41Oh!
22:42In this month's Oh My God magazine,
22:45there's heaps of fantastic Oh My God stuff.
22:49We've got exclusive shots of Hanson's newest member,
22:52Jamie, due to be born early next year.
22:54Oh My God!
22:56And try out our great new diet.
22:5848 days on lettuce and half a Chiquito bar,
23:01and you'll be in shape for summer.
23:02Oh My God!
23:04There's three identical pictures
23:05of some blonde American boy
23:07from some TV show that hasn't got here yet.
23:09Oh My God!
23:10And we've road test anorexia and bulimia.
23:13Which one's right for you?
23:15Oh My God!
23:16In our sealed relationship section,
23:18we ask the age-old question,
23:20is two weeks too soon to stick the tongue in?
23:23Oh My God!
23:24It's all in this month's Oh My God!
23:26The magazine for today's woman who has everything,
23:29except breasts.
23:31Oh My God!
23:35Hello mindless frauds.
23:37I'm John Laws, as if you didn't already know.
23:41Fortunately we live in a democracy
23:42where no one is allowed to express their views
23:44freely and openly.
23:46Let's take a caller.
23:48Hello John, I'm a woman.
23:49Shut up, next caller.
23:50John, I'm very...
23:52Let's go away, next caller.
23:53John, I go along with whatever you say.
23:55Now that's the kind of free independent thinking
23:57I admire.
23:59As I always say,
24:00you may not agree with what I say,
24:01but I'll defend to your death
24:02my right to say it.
24:04Time for a poem.
24:07There are millions of opinions.
24:10People air them all the time,
24:11but none of them can ever be
24:13as meaningful as mine.
24:15I have very strong opinions
24:17and I know that they are right,
24:18but if the price is high enough,
24:20I'll change them overnight.
24:29Hi, I'm still Cathy Scanlon.
24:32Do you want expensive white goods
24:34for being hit on the ghoulies,
24:36but don't know how?
24:37Well, I know how in my brand new video.
24:40Cathy Scanlon's
24:42Art of the Funniest Home Video.
24:46You will need two things
24:48when making your own funniest home video.
24:50One, a camera.
24:53Two, a victim.
24:55Three, nothing,
24:57because they only need two things.
24:59So I have my victim.
25:01Say hello, King.
25:03Hello, Cathy.
25:03Now, I have my camera operator
25:06and of course it is Uncle Clary.
25:08And on this occasion,
25:10it's Uncle Clary.
25:11So now let the magic happen
25:13because ordinary life
25:15is full of funniest home moments.
25:18Wave to Clary.
25:19You both keep waiting for Clary
25:21and we'll run and be in love.
25:29Ken, Ken, come here.
25:30Now, I'm going to chase you
25:32and you're going to run
25:33and that's going to be funny, okay?
25:34Run, run, run, run.
25:40Spot is a great way to get hurt.
25:43Capture painful moments like these
25:45and you'll have Jo Beth Taylor
25:46giving you a winning washing machine
25:48quicker than a prize.
25:51It's quicker than you can save up
25:52and buy one quickly.
25:53Here we are having a nice, safe game of soccer.
25:57Headbutt the ball, Ken.
26:00Oh!
26:03Look, funnest home videos.
26:06It was a bowling ball.
26:09Ken?
26:10See, it's a bowling ball.
26:13You're being a bit serious.
26:21Ken, are you ready?
26:23Get ready.
26:24I haven't, I haven't, I haven't got a racket.
26:28Oh!
26:30I can't do that.
26:32Shove my hand.
26:38Ow!
26:41Well, sure, that might win you third place
26:43but with a bit more speed and violence
26:45you could win the grand prize winner
26:47and open your own TV shop.
26:49Let me show you how to injure your friends
26:51for profit without going to jail.
26:55Look!
26:55Oh, no, I dropped my bar.
27:00Get it, Ken!
27:18Miss Mummery,
27:19send in the next applicant, please.
27:34Miss Zillman, is it?
27:37All right.
27:39What is it?
27:41Miss Zillman,
27:42ours is a proud department store.
27:44Yeah, yeah, cut the crap.
27:45I haven't got all day.
27:47Um,
27:48would you like to tell us
27:49why you would like this job?
27:51What do you reckon?
27:52For the money, you stupid mole?
27:57Well,
27:57perhaps you'd like to tell us
27:59a bit about yourself.
28:00Oh, sure.
28:01I'm 27.
28:02I'm a Virgo.
28:03I love children and horses
28:04and every night I pray for world peace,
28:06Mr Dick White.
28:09What is this Miss Universe competition?
28:11Uh,
28:12where do you see yourself
28:13in five years from now?
28:14I'm not working with
28:15a pack of dickheads like you,
28:17that's for sure.
28:18Well, um,
28:19are there any questions
28:20you would like to ask us?
28:22Yeah,
28:22did you just fart?
28:24Uh, look,
28:25I think,
28:26I think we've heard enough.
28:27Thank you very much.
28:28Yeah, well,
28:28stick it up your arse.
28:32My God,
28:33that is the most disgusting,
28:35offensive,
28:36foul-mouthed woman
28:37I have ever met.
28:40Gentlemen,
28:40I think we have just found
28:42our new head of customer service.
28:45APPLAUSE
28:48Oh,
32:42You, uh, El Nino?
32:44Yes, that's what my friends call me.
32:46You call me Mr. Nino.
32:49So you are causing these problems with the weather?
32:52Yes.
32:53May I ask why?
32:54Because it don't pay no respect.
32:57Last year, my little 12-year-old nephew Lorenzo,
32:59his birthday party, he'd piss down and ruin everything.
33:03So I might go there and then there on my mother's grave
33:07to get a revenge on the weather.
33:10And the summer day, I've got to even!
33:15Right, and if that doesn't work?
33:17No, just a move out of Melbourne.
33:22Well, that was El Nino, certainly causing quite a storm.
33:26Well, if you want to catch me this weekend,
33:28I'll be a low-level bacterial virus
33:30that'll cause respiratory problems and bowel discomfort.
33:34I can be transmitted via human contact,
33:36but don't for one minute think that I can be picked up from a toilet seat.
33:40I recommend large doses of vitamin C,
33:42plenty of water and lots of bed-wrexed.
33:45Oh, and do remember, if pain persists,
33:47see your doctor.
33:48Good night.
33:49Right, scumbag?
33:50Good night.
33:50Good night.
33:54Good night.
34:16right scumbag i've got you now i'm gonna take you to the best plastic surgeon in the world
34:21so you want your face back that and well it's like we got ourselves a standoff
34:29that isn't a standoff this is a standoff oh yeah eve okay sean rodrigo
34:39jamie come on tito manuel louie dewey louie
35:01missed
35:12this is harry smith until his retirement last year harry was a star player for the sydney
35:17wombats football team but harry has a problem he can't stop acting like a footballer
35:25so harry has come here to the fatty borton clinic a state-of-the-art psychiatric facility
35:30where ex-footballers of all codes come to get one last chance at normal healthy post-sporting lives
35:42harry is suffering from a condition known as goal post-traumatic stress syndrome
35:46this is where footballers who can't cope with life after football
35:52continue their footballer-like behaviour in entirely inappropriate circumstances
36:18getting them weaned off their on-field behaviour is the easy part it's getting them to stop the footballing habits
36:23they picked up off the field that provides the greater challenge
36:26Okay, so what would you do in that situation?
36:30Harry?
36:32Harry!
36:36Sorry, I thought I was at the casino.
36:39After two weeks of intensive therapy,
36:41Harry is almost ready to face the real world.
36:44All he has to do is bypass a series of classic pitfalls
36:48no professional footballer could resist.
36:52He's about to be handed a can of beer.
36:54Any right-minded footballer would not be able to resist
36:57spraying it all over his mates and anyone else within reach.
36:59Wait! Wait!
37:04Success!
37:08Now for the next test.
37:10A teenage girl. Will he start dating her?
37:15No, he's gone right past.
37:24And he hasn't punched the nightclub bouncer in the head
37:27just for looking at him.
37:29It looks like Harry has made it.
37:31Very, very well done.
37:32Ta.
37:33Congratulations.
37:34Hey, why don't you get a bigger set of tits?
37:37Oh, no!
37:42Harry still has a long way to go.
37:44He will be cured.
37:46One way is for him to find a gainful employment
37:48that will give him back his pride and his dignity.
37:52Thank God for the footy show.
37:54Harry?
38:03Brother Steve
38:04And when I get out of the way and get a breath
38:19I writhe in Rabbite
38:23Hey, where's he going?
38:26Well, here we are in the Vatican.
38:30I've got the can, where's the vat?
38:44So this would be the Sistine Chapel, wouldn't it?
38:47Smells more like the Sistine Chapel.
38:52Which of the chattels was it named after? Ian, Craig or Trevor?
38:57Excuse me, would you please take off your hat?
38:59I'm terribly sorry, sister. Sorry about that.
39:05How's it going? Great haircut, mate.
39:09Reverse my walk, eh?
39:11It's a beauty. Looks like the back of a V-dub.
39:16Brother Barnabas has taken a vow of silence.
39:19Oh, has he?
39:20Hey, Barney, can you get my wife to do that?
39:24Let him out, she's taken as one of chastity.
39:29So, mate, you can't say a thing, eh?
39:31Not allowed to say a thing.
39:36Almost got you, Barabbas.
39:39So, you two would be nuns, would you?
39:41We're the little sisters of Saint Fianora, healer of the sick.
39:45Oh, oh, oh. Well, I'm the big brother of Barry the Home Brewer, provider of the piss.
39:53Oh, trikey!
39:54Hey, some of whom's graffitied all over your ceiling.
39:58Oh, that's the work of Michelangelo. It took him four years.
40:01Four years? Strike me.
40:03He should have used a roller.
40:07He lay on his back to create that masterpiece.
40:11It is a work of love.
40:13Yes, well, I do some of my best works of love lying on my back too, darling.
40:18I can't go the missionary position, though.
40:22Slip this.
40:24Hang on, the bearded bloke, the bearded bloke.
40:27Look at him, he's reaching out to the nerd geezer.
40:29I mean, that sort of reminds me of something.
40:31Oh, yes, that's very famous.
40:33Yeah, yeah, like E.T., like E.T. the film.
40:35E.T.
40:38Now, will you please be quiet? We're trying to pray.
40:43All right, sister, I'm terribly sorry.
40:45Don't get your bloody habit in a twister.
40:47What exactly are you praying for?
40:50A miracle.
41:03They are bloody beauty!
41:14Mrs. Archer, pretty soon your husband's body will be returned to its original state.
41:19Are you sure you can't do anything about it?
41:21You couldn't afford it.
41:23No, no, the machine's malfunctioned.
41:26What's happened?
41:27Well, it's caused a hideous disfigurement to your husband's face,
41:30and it's sucked out half his brain as well.
41:34Please explain.
41:44Who's responsible for that?
41:48Writers, how they did this so clever with their, of course, convertibles
41:51and their inflatable supermodels
41:53in the summer homes of the French Riviera.
41:55Oh, no, mine.
41:55What's wrong with the caravan on the Riverina?
41:58I say, no.
41:58Probably don't mind being swept away by the occasional flood.
42:02Now, if I was a writer,
42:03you know what I've called my first book?
42:05Gerald.
42:07Oh, no, you can't trust a man called Stephen.
42:09Oh, I never trust a man called Stephen.
42:10Oh, Fiona.
42:11Now, that takes me back.
42:12I remember when I got my first high window, Fiona.
42:37Oh, that must be like a Colonel technical support.
42:40Oh, that must be like a Colonel technical support.
42:44They must get a lot of relief when they take it off at the end of the day.
42:47Not to mention trying to get a plumber around him this time of night.
42:50Oh, they're chafing all day.
42:50Well, perhaps I could call plants there,
42:52little peat plants there.
42:53He always knew how to handle an overflow.
42:55Mind you, he charges more than a Colt from old regret.
42:58Oh, isn't that terrible?
42:59Making those poor girls be a wardrobe.
43:01Really?
43:02What were they doing with the wardrobe?
43:04Mind you, if it was pieces of furniture,
43:05I can understand.
43:06I've been some of the happiest days of my life as a three-piece settee.
43:10I think you should have been a kerosene can.
43:13Second unit.
43:14Oh, that's what I enjoyed during the second world war.
43:17Boy, was I green then.
43:19I've been mistaken for a mutton bird,
43:21but I've got second prize at the Royal Easter Shale.
43:23Of course, that's where I met you, Ivy.
43:25You were always so quiet then,
43:27whereas me, I could talk the leg off a bowling ball.
43:31Oh, no, I don't much care for him.
43:33Boy, too smelly for my life.
43:36You'll have time to lock up the ferrets.
43:38But I thought he was dead.
43:40Peploy gives me 50 bucks.
43:44Steve Ozard?
43:46Didn't he used to be funny?
44:03Oh, that's good.
44:05But that's not said…
44:06I don't know the combination.
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