Mock the Week S22E07

Reality Central USA

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04:01look so cute in hats. That's weird, because maybe you're coming from as a man, I think

04:08it's more like, you know, that girl you're friends with who says, oh, you're my best

04:12friend, hold my coat while I shag that guy. You're like, OK, she'll spot me eventually.

04:20We have a special relationship. Is that what she's doing? So I've been holding these coats

04:25for no reason? How many coats do you have now?

04:31So, yes, what is happening between the UK and the US? It's crazy, really, that this is the reason the

04:36special

04:36relationship's falling apart, because, like, one of the main things he's annoyed about, like he say, is that

04:39we won't let him use our military base. And it's like, yeah, he's Donald Trump, I wouldn't let him

04:44use my charger. He's a nutter. Also, he's at war. You can't be at war and then ask to use

04:49our military

04:50base. It's like saying, I currently have diarrhoea, can I borrow your trousers?

04:56I'm glad that Starmer stood up for himself, because, like, he told Trump he wasn't allowed to use the

05:01air bases for the war unless there was a legal mandate. And, I mean, he spoke to him on the

05:05phone for 20 minutes. I don't know about you guys, but a guy talking to another guy for 20 minutes

05:09on the phone sounds like a man-date.

05:12Bye!

05:19Tony Blair has intervened and said that Starmer should have, you know, acquiesced sooner. And I don't know about you,

05:25but is there a phrase that's more alarming than,

05:28Tony Blair has intervened?

05:30I mean, a shiver goes through my body every time I hear it. I say, oh, I think Tony Blair

05:34is intervening.

05:36Why is Tony Blair so obsessed with it? Right, Tony Blair, he dealt with the IRA, he did Iraq, and

05:41now he's doing Iran. Why is he so obsessed with the letters I-R-A?

05:46Because he got an X called IRA and cheated on him. He was a freak.

05:52What did Trump say about Starmer? He called him a loser. He did? Yeah.

05:57That's it. LAUGHTER

05:59This made me feel jingoistic, right, because, you know, I didn't realise... I don't have national pride, but I realised

06:04I do have national shame.

06:06Because Trump has come out and said that Starmer's a loser, and I've immediately thought, well, no, you can't say

06:11that.

06:11We can say that, cos he's armed. But, like, as soon as he said it, I was like, he's not

06:15a loser, he's got a very difficult job, OK?

06:17He comes from... LAUGHTER

06:19His father was a toolmaker. His father was a toolmaker, you know?

06:23He's trying his very best, OK? Yes.

06:25If a British person said, what do you think a star might go, that loser, his dad's a dickhead, I

06:28don't think...

06:29LAUGHTER

06:29But I'm glad that he stood up to Trump and said that he's not allowed to use the bases,

06:33because I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I am sick of obnoxious Americans

06:37coming over here, imposing themselves on British institutions for their own personal financial aid.

06:42Thank you very much, Jeff.

06:44LAUGHTER

06:44Beautiful.

06:47You did say you could only use that chair for defensive purposes.

06:50LAUGHTER

06:52He can't just sort of run out of things to offer Trump, hasn't he?

06:54He doesn't want to give the bases, oh, the King's coming to see you, come for another state visit.

06:58He's like, oh, now, would you like to say that Shakespeare's American, please?

07:03Would you like custody of Lorraine Kelly, have I?

07:06LAUGHTER

07:07What, therefore, is happening to energy prices at the moment?

07:10Thank you. Are they sort of going down a bit? Are they slipping?

07:14Overall...

07:14It's a good 50-50 shot.

07:16LAUGHTER

07:17I mean, there are times when they are, because it's quite a volatile situation at the moment.

07:21And at the time of the recording, it's up and then it's down, it's up and then it's down.

07:24Who knows?

07:25Because oil is very slidey as well.

07:27LAUGHTER

07:29Is that a science-y term?

07:30That's a science-y term, actually, yeah.

07:31And they're also sending teams in to get all their enriched uranium, aren't they?

07:36Would you sign up for that?

07:38LAUGHTER

07:39We'll go and get three and a half tonnes of enriched uranium.

07:42That's not going to affect your life expectancy at all, that would be...

07:45I don't expect to be approached for that job.

07:48LAUGHTER

07:49I mean, they'll go to Romesh first.

07:51LAUGHTER

07:52And then Ed Gamble next.

07:54Also, you know, you don't have any hair to lose.

07:56You're right.

07:57I can't do it.

07:59Yeah.

07:59It would be such a terrible loss.

08:03LAUGHTER

08:03That's why we're in there.

08:04On that, Dara, you could stop off in Turkey on the way, sort it all out.

08:08LAUGHTER

08:08You could come back for series two.

08:11Oh!

08:13Do you think I should go on a secret mission to get all the uranium out

08:19and yet come back with more hair?

08:22LAUGHTER

08:22So a barrel of oil is, like, last time I checked, $100 or 75.

08:27Which actually seems stunningly low, bearing in mind that the oil

08:31is at the bottom of the ocean and they have to get it out.

08:34Like...

08:35Like...

08:36A birthday clown costs £225 on average.

08:42LAUGHTER

08:42I mean, kids need to get their priorities straight.

08:46You're right, you're right.

08:46Do you want an unemployed actor in a wig?

08:48Or do you want three barrels of crude oil, kid?

08:52LAUGHTER

08:52How long can a birthday clown burn for?

08:55LAUGHTER

08:56That was one hour.

08:57Yeah.

08:58£225 for one hour.

08:59I checked.

09:02In other words, what's going on here?

09:05Is this what happens when you go to see Back to the Future,

09:07the musical, but the understudy's on?

09:09LAUGHTER

09:10Where we're going, we don't need votes!

09:14LAUGHTER

09:16APPLAUSE

09:19She looks like she's really regretting putting her coffee in the

09:22driver door.

09:24LAUGHTER

09:27It's giving real mum sort of picking you up from a party energy.

09:30Like, I won't embarrass you!

09:32I'll just open the door sideways!

09:35LAUGHTER

09:36She won't be smiling when she realises that car's not you,

09:38Les, compliant.

09:40LAUGHTER

09:41I would have said with the price of oil the way it is,

09:43a plutonium-powered car makes sense.

09:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.

09:46She's saying, can you help, please?

09:47There's a man having a wee against the side of the car.

09:51LAUGHTER

09:52All I can see is a photo of someone doing a great job,

09:55in difficult circumstances,

09:56talking to Kemi Badenov.

09:59LAUGHTER

09:59Why is it left-hand drive?

10:02Is it just to wind her up, to put her on the left?

10:05LAUGHTER

10:06I think it is in the film, it's left-hand drive.

10:09It's a...

10:09It's a DeLorean, so it might be.

10:12Yeah.

10:12It wasn't that they were just built for Northern Irish Market.

10:14Is a DeLorean a real car?

10:16It's a real car.

10:17Oh, yeah.

10:20I thought it was just the name of the thing in the film.

10:24No, no.

10:25A guy called John DeLorean put a car factory in Northern Ireland

10:28and set up this thing and he did a car with gold-wing doors.

10:31Yeah.

10:31Not a very successful one.

10:32Notoriously dodgy car.

10:34Yeah.

10:34And then even Back to the Future couldn't save the actual factory

10:37that made the car for Back to the Future.

10:40Well, do you know, I wasn't sure that this show needed to come back

10:43and now I've learnt that fact.

10:45LAUGHTER

10:46It's all worth it.

10:48LAUGHTER

10:49It is, of course, Kemi Badenov.

10:51The news that the leader of the Conservative Party,

10:53Kemi Badenov, is reportedly pondering a Shadow Cabinet reshuffle

10:56in order to promote younger MPs and get rid of so-called dead wood.

10:59Why would you reshuffle the Shadow Cabinet?

11:01It's so-but it's a pretend job.

11:04LAUGHTER

11:04There's no point doing a reshuffle.

11:05It's no different to a football manager watching his team lose

11:07and making two of the subs swap seats.

11:09LAUGHTER

11:10They got 1.9% of the rate in the last by-election.

11:14Yes.

11:15I'm not sure a reshuffle's going to do it.

11:17LAUGHTER

11:18Haven't they already done a reshuffle to reform?

11:20LAUGHTER

11:22It's hardly surprising that you can't trust people in a thing

11:24called the Shadow Cabinet.

11:26The most sinister piece of furniture you could imagine.

11:29At least...

11:30At least I've got my friends in the haunted wardrobe.

11:33LAUGHTER

11:34Lord Mandelson was once in the Shadow Cabinet.

11:38LAUGHTER

11:44She wants younger voters, right?

11:46She does.

11:46It's a bit late, isn't it?

11:47For the Tories to suddenly target the youth.

11:49They've done nothing but nosh off pensioners for the last 50 years.

11:52LAUGHTER

11:53And then...

11:53What does that...?

11:55Excuse me.

11:59You can look up her address afterwards.

12:02LAUGHTER

12:04I want to know what's so bad about noshing off pensioners.

12:07It's a good honest job.

12:08LAUGHTER

12:09And how are they going to get...?

12:10Is she just going to be in PMQs trying to speak like a young person now?

12:13Just being like, oh, small boats are such an ick.

12:16LAUGHTER

12:17Look, she said a really weird thing.

12:18She compared the Labour Party to orcs and goons.

12:21Mm, yeah.

12:22Which is...

12:22Which is weird, because orcs are goons.

12:26Like, they're the lowest rank in Saruman's army.

12:29LAUGHTER

12:30She should have said uruk-hai and goons.

12:33LAUGHTER

12:34Wow.

12:36LAUGHTER

12:36Come on!

12:39APPLAUSE

12:40There you go.

12:41Night.

12:42She's not going to recover from that.

12:44LAUGHTER

12:45It's so embarrassing.

12:46I know.

12:47Oh, mortified for you, Kemi.

12:50She's not got a chance, has she, because the problem is,

12:52like, all the age groups are now gone for political parties.

12:55You know, all the old people have now gone to reform, you know,

12:57in terms of where they're voting.

12:58Middle-aged people do Labour.

12:59Young people do green.

13:01What the Tories need to do, and what she needs to do,

13:03is start thinking about elections, sort of, 20 years in the future.

13:06Right?

13:06And they need to just target toddlers.

13:08LAUGHTER

13:09She needs to just get her name out there with toddlers.

13:11Every PMQ, she's just looked down the barrel of the camera

13:13and go...

13:13Ba-da...

13:14Knock-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot.

13:19LAUGHTER

13:19That's what they...

13:20That's actually going to win, isn't it?

13:21Yeah, that's it.

13:22Look, if it entertained my son for 20 minutes, I'd put it on.

13:25LAUGHTER

13:27At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Rhys and Janine!

13:31CHEERING

13:32Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.

13:45Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad.

13:48In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,

13:50this is a chance for our performers to compete,

13:52to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,

13:54and I decide whose is the worst.

13:56Anyone care to start us off?

13:57I will.

13:58I am currently having my self-esteem demolished every night

14:02by the volume and enthusiasm

14:04with which the foxes outside my window orgasm.

14:07LAUGHTER

14:09I cannot compete with this volume.

14:11I have to lie next to my girlfriend every night

14:12and she goes, oh, another hot night in the Volpine community,

14:15is it really exciting?

14:16I looked up what you can do to deter foxes, right?

14:18Apparently, to get rid of foxes from your garden,

14:20you're supposed to use male human urine.

14:22That's what it says.

14:23I read that, my first thought was, oh, I'll have to get a man round.

14:26LAUGHTER

14:27That's how in my head they are.

14:29LAUGHTER

14:30You think that's bad?

14:31I went into a cool cafe and they were playing cool music

14:35and I didn't recognise it.

14:36It was like...

14:38It was, like, percussive and arrhythmical

14:40and I was grooving along to the bar.

14:41What is this?

14:43And I got to the bar and it was tennis.

14:46LAUGHTER

14:48I thought, this is my new jam.

14:50This is...

14:50I'm going to be listening to this.

14:51What is this?

14:52You think that's bad?

14:53A few months ago, me and my wife found what is clearly

14:56a lady's watch in our house

14:59and neither of us has any idea who owns it.

15:03And we have phoned people, we've asked everybody,

15:06the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,

15:09we cannot figure out who owns this watch.

15:11And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.

15:16LAUGHTER

15:23I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear

15:25and her first thought would be,

15:27have you started wearing ladies' underwear?

15:29LAUGHTER

15:30Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.

15:34The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear

15:37and used condoms around that house.

15:40LAUGHTER

15:40Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.

15:43You have to get rid of the weird lady ghost.

15:45You think that's bad?

15:47I had to change my name for equity

15:48and my real surname is Jars.

15:52What is that?

15:53LAUGHTER

15:55Jars.

15:56You have to spell it...

16:01You think that's bad, I just bought an island

16:04for what I thought was an absolutely bargain price

16:06until I found out I used to own it.

16:08LAUGHTER

16:09If you think that's bad,

16:10I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie

16:13and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.

16:16LAUGHTER

16:17I did it.

16:18You mean that's bad, I grew up in the north-east of England

16:20and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show

16:23and start their comment with,

16:25I am racist, but...

16:27LAUGHTER

16:30If you think that's bad, I had a C-section at a teaching hospital

16:33and, if you don't know, when you have a C-section,

16:34you're awake, so I heard everything

16:36and, at one point, I heard the senior doctor say

16:38to the junior doctor,

16:40hmm, now what I would have done differently there.

16:44LAUGHTER

16:45You think that's bad?

16:46When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,

16:49where does that bit go?

16:51LAUGHTER

16:54They're just fucking with you!

16:57Actually, and when I had another baby,

16:59I heard them say, I had a Caesarean,

17:01they were sewing me up and they went,

17:03time to clean the gutters now.

17:05LAUGHTER

17:07Look at the gutters!

17:08At least they're clean, I guess, huh?

17:10Yeah.

17:11I think that's bad.

17:14Um...

17:16LAUGHTER

17:18Tell us, Ed, tell us!

17:20Like, raise the bar from that!

17:22LAUGHTER

17:23Now, um...

17:24We've actually got a French exchange student

17:26in our house at the moment,

17:28and I've not met him.

17:29Because I...

17:31I never got round to getting a criminal background check,

17:34right?

17:34Which is fine, except that my wife said to me,

17:37in front of a neighbour, without context,

17:40don't forget the French exchange student

17:41that's arriving tomorrow,

17:42you're not allowed to be alone with them.

17:45LAUGHTER

17:50Sorry.

17:51So your wife doesn't suspect you're having an affair

17:53with an adult woman?

17:54No.

17:55She is worried about a French teenager.

17:58At the end of that round,

18:00the points go to Ellie here and Alistair!

18:02APPLAUSE

18:05The next round is called

18:07Passing Through the Strait of Hermuzment.

18:10LAUGHTER

18:12This game involves Alistair and Janine,

18:14so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

18:16This round is a stand-up challenge.

18:18I launch the Wheel of News,

18:19and wherever it chooses to stop,

18:20one of our performers must step forward

18:21and talk about that subject.

18:23The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

18:25OK, here we go.

18:26That's our first topic, please.

18:30Who wants to come in with that?

18:31Janine.

18:33So, my husband and I,

18:34we had our first baby recently,

18:36and it took us a while to name him

18:38because we didn't want him to get bullied.

18:40Because growing up,

18:41my name is innocuous enough,

18:42but people made up all sorts of mean nicknames.

18:45Kids called me

18:45Heroni Macaroni,

18:47Heroni Baloney,

18:48Bitch.

18:50LAUGHTER

18:51When I was in high school,

18:53I knew a guy whose name was Michael Litteris.

18:56LAUGHTER

18:59That means his name was Mike Litteris,

19:02and you couldn't even joke with him about it.

19:04Mike Litteris is very sensitive.

19:07LAUGHTER

19:08You do not want to rub Mike Litteris the wrong way,

19:11and it's not even like he could ask people to call him Michael,

19:14because then it just sounds sassy.

19:16They'd be like,

19:16Michael Litteris, so...

19:20LAUGHTER

19:21A lot of people asked us

19:22if we would give my son an Irish name,

19:24because my husband is Irish,

19:26and I love Irish names.

19:27My first flatmate was an Irish girl.

19:29Her name was Cuiva,

19:30and if you don't know the name Cuiva,

19:32that's spelled C-A-O-I-M-H-E.

19:36When she told me that, I was like,

19:37hmm, that's not a name.

19:39LAUGHTER

19:39That's a Wi-Fi password.

19:42LAUGHTER

19:42Very secure.

19:44I don't understand these women

19:45who let their husbands name the baby after themselves,

19:48because women do 100% of the work in pregnancy.

19:52Like, honestly,

19:53being pregnant with my husband's baby,

19:54it felt like we'd been paired up

19:56to do a school science project

19:57where I had to do all of the work for nine months.

20:01LAUGHTER

20:01But he got the exact same grade

20:03because he brought the pen.

20:05LAUGHTER

20:07And then after nine months of pregnancy,

20:10you still have to push a baby out your fun hole,

20:12and I was terrified of doing it.

20:14I called my mom, and I asked her, what's it like?

20:16And she said,

20:17I mean, it was fine.

20:18I gave birth to three babies,

20:20no pain medication.

20:21It was fine.

20:22I mean, I tore,

20:23and I couldn't feel my clitoris for two years,

20:25but it was fine.

20:26LAUGHTER

20:27I said, what?

20:28Maybe that's what happened to Mrs. Litteris.

20:31LAUGHTER

20:32Maybe she wasn't naming her son.

20:34Maybe she was calling out for medical attention,

20:36like, my clitoris!

20:37LAUGHTER

20:37My doctor was like,

20:38Mike's a lovely name.

20:39Excellent choice.

20:41LAUGHTER

20:47OK, that leaves us with Alistair.

20:49Let's see what your topic is.

20:50Let's spin the wheel.

20:52The topic is smoking.

20:56When I was a kid,

20:57the secret of being cool

20:58was having candy cigarettes,

21:00which were made of candy,

21:02shaped like cigarettes,

21:03super cool in the 90s,

21:04cos you could be there on the playground nibbling away,

21:06nibbling, nibbling.

21:07Like a little James Dean,

21:08nibble, nibble, nibble.

21:09So you'd have just a little bit of candy cigarette left,

21:12and then you could be like,

21:13right, off to maths.

21:15LAUGHTER

21:17Instantly cool.

21:18You know, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble,

21:19strut around the playground,

21:20stub it out on a wall,

21:21have a go on the swings.

21:23LAUGHTER

21:24I know I look like someone

21:26who's been blessed with many of nature's gifts.

21:30LAUGHTER

21:31What I mean by that is,

21:33people often try to buy drugs from me.

21:36LAUGHTER

21:37That's not my thing.

21:38I've never been into drugs,

21:39but people don't believe that,

21:40because of the way I look.

21:41A guy came up to me.

21:42He said,

21:42Oh, you must know where we can get some stuff.

21:44And I said,

21:45No, honestly, I don't.

21:46He said,

21:46Oh, come on.

21:47Come on.

21:47Not even, er...

21:50That's what I did.

21:52Now, the thing is, genuinely,

21:53I don't know where you buy cannabis,

21:54I don't know where you buy marijuana,

21:55but I do know

21:57where you can get swanny whistles.

21:59LAUGHTER

22:02So, that man is now on his way to Mr McGillicutty's whistle factory.

22:07LAUGHTER

22:07He's got Pine Emporium.

22:09And I'm full of drugs, actually.

22:12Now, it's a real problem.

22:13I used to work there,

22:13and I tried to do something about it,

22:14but...

22:15I don't know if you know,

22:16it's very difficult to report wrongdoing

22:17if you work in a whistle factory.

22:20LAUGHTER

22:21APPLAUSE

22:22Thank you very much.

22:23At the end of that round,

22:25the points go to Janine.

22:26Everyone come back here.

22:27Thank you very much.

22:33Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.

22:44The next round is called

22:45If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

22:48On the board are six categories.

22:50Janine, which category would you like?

22:51Science, please.

22:52OK, your topic is science.

22:53The answer is 685,000 miles.

22:57What is the question?

22:58Is it,

22:59How far do I have to travel

23:00to escape my mother's criticism?

23:03LAUGHTER

23:04Is it,

23:05If you printed out all the emails in the Epstein files

23:08and laid them out flat,

23:09how far must you remain from schools at all times?

23:13How much railway have the French built

23:16since we started HS2?

23:20LAUGHTER

23:20Is it,

23:21Girls,

23:22If we're honest,

23:22How big is too big?

23:24LAUGHTER

23:25What is the range of the all-new,

23:28all-electric Land Rover Exaggerator?

23:32LAUGHTER

23:33What is the annual income and first name

23:36of a guy who thinks he's pretty bloody working class, actually?

23:40LAUGHTER

23:44What does my step count appear to be if I change my watch to my left hand?

23:49LAUGHTER

23:51LAUGHTER

23:53LAUGHTER

23:55LAUGHTER

23:55On a similar note...

23:57LAUGHTER

23:58What is inside Miles Jupp's testicles?

24:02LAUGHTER

24:13What distance are people talking about when they say,

24:15That's not a million miles away?

24:17LAUGHTER

24:21LAUGHTER

24:21Is it,

24:22After telling me he's 0.5 miles away two minutes ago,

24:25how far away is my Uber driver now?

24:27LAUGHTER

24:28Is it,

24:29How far away would David Walliams now have to swim to get my donation?

24:33LAUGHTER

24:34LAUGHTER

24:36How close is Brooklyn Beckham to his family?

24:40LAUGHTER

24:42What is the area?

24:43Surface area?

24:44I'm going to go with that.

24:45Yeah.

24:46Go on.

24:46Of your fucking noggin.

24:48LAUGHTER

24:58Miles is a measure of length, not of area.

25:00OK.

25:01LAUGHTER

25:03Square miles.

25:04Yeah, does it say square miles?

25:05It says square miles there, does it?

25:07No, no, the miles are not square.

25:09Do you know it is, though?

25:10Yeah.

25:13You don't hear fucking next to the word noggin very often, do you?

25:15No.

25:15LAUGHTER

25:16I think I do know the right answer to this, by the way.

25:18Oh, do you know the right answer?

25:19Yeah, exactly.

25:20Is it?

25:22LAUGHTER

25:23What I feel, is it not...

25:24No, no, no.

25:25This is serious.

25:26Is it...

25:26There's a thing called Artemis, there's a rocket called Artemis, isn't there?

25:29There you go.

25:30It's going round the moon.

25:31So I'm kind of thinking, how far will it travel?

25:33Absolutely right.

25:34Thank you very much, Hugh.

25:35APPLAUSE

25:40Yes, the question I was looking for was,

25:41how far will the Artemis II mission travel when it heads to the moon?

25:44This is news that NASA's latest attempt to reach the moon has suffered several setbacks

25:48and will now not launch until the 1st of April at the earliest.

25:52The mission will see a crewed spacecraft travel around the moon for the first time

25:55since Apollo 17, over 50 years ago.

25:58Is that an easy rocket?

26:00LAUGHTER

26:02Why are we going back to the moon?

26:04It's not changed.

26:06It's not like Hackney.

26:08LAUGHTER

26:09You know, not going, oh, the moon used to be dangerous, now it's got a gale.

26:13LAUGHTER

26:13The moon has been gentrified, it's really come up...

26:15I guess it!

26:16It's amazing, yeah.

26:17Finally!

26:18No, they're not going to the moon, are they?

26:19You know how close they get to the moon?

26:21They're flying by it, aren't they?

26:22Yeah, they are.

26:23So the closest they get to the moon's surface is 5,500 miles.

26:27Yes.

26:27That's like standing in Cornwall and going, yeah, I've been to Milwaukee.

26:31LAUGHTER

26:32They're not there, they're not going to the moon.

26:34We've basically gone to the moon, then.

26:36No.

26:36No, what?

26:385,000 miles, come on.

26:40That might as well be here.

26:41Yeah, certainly.

26:41It might...

26:42No, no!

26:44LAUGHTER

26:45I struggle to maintain the whimsical dance I'm supposed to do

26:49at a comedy show when you idiots keep coming at me these days.

26:52LAUGHTER

26:52You're going to make them blow the top off his 685,000 square mile head.

26:59Woo! They're going to...

27:01They're going because ultimately the idea is to go back and actually land on it,

27:04and then either use it as a base for which to do other trips

27:06or to, you know, gather minerals from the moon.

27:09But we have landed on it.

27:10Why are they going to see whether we can land on it?

27:13We have landed on it.

27:13We've done that.

27:14We did land on it.

27:15So why are we going back?

27:16Have we forgotten how?

27:18LAUGHTER

27:19So they need to check out the parking.

27:21LAUGHTER

27:22I think this is the real danger because we haven't been there since,

27:25like, the 70s, is that right?

27:26So there's a very real possibility that when we get there,

27:28the moon will be casually racist.

27:31LAUGHTER

27:34And they go, how is the moon?

27:34And he goes, ooh, inappropriate.

27:38Cos I always feel like there's a much more gender-diverse

27:40and ethically-diverse crew that are going up as well,

27:42like, whatever, so it's really asking for trouble.

27:45How many women are going?

27:46There's one woman of the four.

27:47Oh, so it's like a panel show?

27:48Yeah.

27:50LAUGHTER

27:50What do you mean?

27:52Oh!

27:54It works!

27:56But they've delayed the launch, right?

27:58Because they can't...

27:58Because they're waiting for the price of fuel to come down.

28:02Do they do a thing called a wet dress rehearsal?

28:04Yeah.

28:05We've all done that.

28:06LAUGHTER

28:08They have, and they've failed with these things, yeah, so far.

28:11So they keep putting it off.

28:12Would you like to have been an astronaut?

28:14I'd love to have been an astronaut, yeah.

28:15Aren't you too tall? How tall are you?

28:16I'm way too tall.

28:17All astronauts are really, really tiny.

28:18Yeah.

28:19Other than that, he would have been...

28:20I mean, that was it.

28:21He would have sailed through the medical.

28:22Yeah.

28:24LAUGHTER

28:25LAUGHTER

28:28Interestingly, there are four astronauts on this trip,

28:30like, whatever, but why do those astronauts

28:32have a special significance for Ed?

28:34Did one of them find a woman's walk?

28:37LAUGHTER

28:38The answer is, they're all younger than Ed,

28:41but they've done so much more with their life.

28:43LAUGHTER

28:49Sorry, I know that.

28:51I'm younger than you, so...

28:53LAUGHTER

28:53That's also me.

28:55You're totally going to turn it to me, but I know who said it.

28:59Dara, would you go, if you like...

29:01Yeah, of course I go.

29:02Would you go?

29:02Really?

29:03How soon? How soon?

29:04How soon?

29:06Wait, wait, wait.

29:06I missed out the tone.

29:07I missed out the tone.

29:08Would you?

29:09If we all come in, guys.

29:11Would you go?

29:12Would you go?

29:13Would you go?

29:15Why do you want to go?

29:16It sounds crap.

29:17Why does it sound crap so easy?

29:19Because you're locked in a tube with your colleagues for ages.

29:23If one of you farts, you can't even open the window or you die.

29:25It's basically a two-month holiday on the central line.

29:28LAUGHTER

29:30If you fart on a spacewalk, that fart is going to be waiting for you at the end, isn't it?

29:38Hang on.

29:39When you take your helmet off...

29:41It's not...

29:41Because the fart can't go anywhere, can it?

29:43But surely it's just in your whole...

29:44The whole thing.

29:45Oh, when you take your helmet off, does it go...

29:47LAUGHTER

29:50LAUGHTER

29:53Yes.

29:54Because...

29:54Because in space, no-one can hear you fart.

29:59LAUGHTER

30:00We end that round of the points.

30:02It goes to Ellie, Hugh and Alistair.

30:04APPLAUSE

30:08The next round is called Audience Question Time.

30:11We throw ourselves open to the studio audience

30:12and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.

30:15OK, first of all, is there an Anita here, by any chance?

30:17Hey, how are you?

30:18How are you? I'm good.

30:20Anita, tell us, what questions do you have?

30:22What news headlines might you see next year?

30:26Oh, next year.

30:27Elon Musk grows Hitler moustache, claims lip was cold.

30:31LAUGHTER

30:33Helicopter crash involving my entire family came as complete shock,

30:37says King Andrew.

30:39LAUGHTER

30:41APPLAUSE

30:45Donald Trump invades Poundland.

30:49LAUGHTER

30:51LAUGHTER

30:52The fight with Jake Paul was always a risk,

30:55say grieving Attenborough family.

30:57LAUGHTER

31:03Irish comedian jailed.

31:04I told you not to leave him alone with that French exchange student.

31:11Thank you very much, Anita.

31:12A round of applause for Anita, please. Thank you very much.

31:14APPLAUSE

31:16Where is Jack? Where is Jack?

31:18Hey, Jack, how are you? How's yourself?

31:20Where are you from, Jack?

31:21Kerry, in Ireland.

31:23CHEERING

31:25Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.

31:27LAUGHTER

31:28I know you are.

31:29I know you are.

31:30He was horrified by the rest of them.

31:31He was explaining to everyone else, but obviously I'm going to go,

31:34jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?

31:35The good people in TLC.

31:37Jack getting a sly dig in there.

31:38Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it?

31:40LAUGHTER

31:42Jack, thank you very much.

31:44What's your question, by the way?

31:46I want to know, what is your best hack for living healthy?

31:49All right.

31:50You coming to me for that?

31:51Yeah, yeah.

31:51It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.

31:55LAUGHTER

31:55Hang on, hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.

32:02LAUGHTER

32:02Sometimes I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.

32:06LAUGHTER

32:06I find opening packets harder and harder.

32:10I don't know if I'm getting old or packets are getting stronger.

32:14LAUGHTER

32:15They run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use,

32:18make it stronger now, make it...

32:19I know, is it just me?

32:21Does nobody else find themselves carrying...

32:24Why did you do it?

32:25LAUGHTER

32:27It didn't look like that.

32:29It looked like you needed somebody to help you,

32:31and you were willing to do anything to get them to do it.

32:34LAUGHTER

32:35Please, please open these crisps for it.

32:37LAUGHTER

32:37I want me to hand it weak.

32:39My tongue is strong.

32:42LAUGHTER

32:45Oh, please, strong French teenager, please.

32:53It's not Sunday when we're going to watch this, we won't now.

32:56LAUGHTER

32:57It's really awkward.

32:59Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.

33:02LAUGHTER

33:03We're going to watch this Jean-Claude.

33:04This is what I do professionally.

33:06LAUGHTER

33:09Sorry, does anyone have any other answers?

33:12LAUGHTER

33:13I think it's important, if you're on a diet,

33:15that you give yourself a cheat day.

33:16So, on Thursday, you can add loads of broccoli,

33:18and on Friday, you sleep with your husband's brother.

33:23Put some pep in his step.

33:24And for me, for me, it's just been one very, very simple rule,

33:27which is don't eat cigarettes.

33:30LAUGHTER

33:33Jack, thank you for doing that.

33:36LAUGHTER

33:36Semi-investigary, which, as we know, is in Ireland.

33:41Good to have you give Jack a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

33:43APPLAUSE

33:45Thank you to all of our audience.

33:46Join us again after the break.

33:54APPLAUSE

33:56The next round is called Between the Lines.

33:58If you're just Hugh and Rhys, would you make your way to the press pit, please?

34:02Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage,

34:05while Hugh will translate what they really mean.

34:08This week, Rhys is Nigel Farage.

34:11LAUGHTER

34:19I shall deport you first.

34:26Good evening.

34:27Great to finally get the chance to speak to you.

34:30Who am I kidding?

34:31I'm on TV more than Ramesh.

34:33LAUGHTER

34:35People say I'm out of touch with my working-class base.

34:39Poppycock, you peasants!

34:41LAUGHTER

34:42Some people seem to think I'm just a blustering, over-privileged, ignorant twat.

34:49LAUGHTER

34:52Yes, I went to private school.

34:54Yes, I used to be a stockbroker.

34:56Yes, I've said some pretty terrible things.

34:59Yeah.

35:00LAUGHTER

35:01I want to go back to the wonderful old traditions of the English countryside.

35:06Killing foxes, shooting hikers...

35:09..and incest.

35:11LAUGHTER

35:17I'm playing a role.

35:19LAUGHTER

35:22I'm the politician people most want to have a pint with.

35:25Mainly so they can pour it over my head.

35:28LAUGHTER

35:28I am tackling the issues that really matter to ordinary people.

35:33Oat milk is not real milk!

35:37LAUGHTER

35:38People say Brexit was the worst thing to ever happen to this country.

35:43Wait until I become Prime Minister.

35:47Nadim Zahawi, Robert Jenrick and Suella Braverman

35:50were the first of an exciting new wave of reform members.

35:54Please welcome...

35:55Greg Wallace.

35:56LAUGHTER

35:58French Andrew.

35:59LAUGHTER

36:00And Hugh Edwards.

36:02LAUGHTER

36:04After the local elections, we won't accept any more Tory defections.

36:08Not even I want Preeti Patel.

36:11LAUGHTER

36:13Well done, Risa G. Thank you very much.

36:16CHEERING

36:16APPLAUSE

36:21Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,

36:24so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.

36:27I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists

36:29can come up with.

36:30OK, here we go.

36:32The first subject is...

36:34..things you wouldn't hear at an awards show.

36:37And the winner of least likely to be even capable of having an affair,

36:41Ed Bird!

36:43LAUGHTER

36:46Thank you so much for this imposter syndrome award.

36:49I just really don't think I deserve it.

36:52LAUGHTER

36:54And to accept the award on behalf of Jim Carrey

36:57is a slightly odder-looking Jim Carrey.

37:01LAUGHTER

37:03And as the Labour Party awards draw to a close,

37:06let's remember some of the voters we lost.

37:09LAUGHTER

37:09Very satirical, come on.

37:11LAUGHTER

37:13And I'd like to thank my wife, without whom none of this would be possible.

37:17Probably a bit more enjoyable.

37:20LAUGHTER

37:23The winner of our first award needs no introduction.

37:28LAUGHTER

37:31Wow.

37:32To win most emotionally repressed.

37:34I can't tell you what this means to me.

37:37LAUGHTER

37:39APPLAUSE

37:40And the winner of Auto Queue Operator of the Year goes to...

37:46Fuck you, fuck you, it's not me again, fuck you.

37:49LAUGHTER

37:50LAUGHTER

37:52Oh, my God, thank you so much.

37:53Oh, my God, this is really heavy, isn't it?

37:55Oh, you can really shove this up your arse!

37:57LAUGHTER

37:59LAUGHTER

38:01Let's hear it for ghosts.

38:03Sorry.

38:04And now, the in memoriam.

38:07LAUGHTER

38:11And now it's time to remember those who haven't died this year, but we wish they had.

38:17LAUGHTER

38:22Welcome to the Porn Awards.

38:24Thank you all for coming.

38:26LAUGHTER

38:29I am thrilled to accept this award on behalf of men who don't really know how to hold babies.

38:34LAUGHTER

38:38And finally, I'd like to thank the Student Loans Company, to whom I owe everything.

38:45LAUGHTER

38:48So many people to thank.

38:50Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein,

38:54Bill Cosby,

38:56Geoffrey Epstein.

38:57Lovely big guy, I miss you.

39:02And now, at the Where's Wally Awards,

39:04we'd like to take a moment to look back at some of the people we've found this year.

39:08LAUGHTER

39:11And the winner for worst paper cut goes,

39:15Jesus fucking Christ!

39:16LAUGHTER

39:18It's almost time for the British Railway Awards.

39:21We're just being held at a red signal.

39:25Should be on the move shortly.

39:30And the nominees for the FIFA Peace Prize are...

39:35LAUGHTER

39:36Donald Trump.

39:39Genghis Khan.

39:41And Thanos from The Avengers.

39:45APPLAUSE

39:47And the award for Tiny Little Man Standing Very Still is...

39:54And I'd just like to say, to all my fellow nominees,

39:58you can suck the farts from my arse.

40:01LAUGHTER

40:05LAUGHTER

40:08Sadly, Bonnie Blue couldn't be here this evening,

40:11so she sent us this video.

40:13Oh, dear God, dear God.

40:15LAUGHTER

40:16And the winner of the Fortune Teller of the Year Award

40:18is on her way to the stage right now!

40:21Gosh, you could!

40:22APPLAUSE

40:24Before we get on to the National High Street Bank Awards,

40:27can I just say to everybody out there that you can collect your awards online.

40:33LAUGHTER

40:36APPLAUSE

40:38The next topic is...

40:40Lines that kill a romantic mood.

40:43Why don't we move this into the board game room?

40:46LAUGHTER

40:49My penis is like Mock the Week.

40:51No-one looked at it for four years, so it had to be made twice as long.

40:56LAUGHTER

40:59I've got a little electrical gadget you may want to use later.

41:03It's a defibrillator.

41:05LAUGHTER

41:08LAUGHTER

41:10Is that not what you meant when you said drop a log on the fire?

41:15LAUGHTER

41:16LAUGHTER

41:21I wondered if you fancied...

41:25..a Huel.

41:31God, sometimes you are just like your father, and that really turns me on.

41:36LAUGHTER

41:38OK, so somewhere in here, I have secreted a pork Chippolata,

41:42and I'll let you know when you're getting what my...

41:43..this isn't what you meant when you said play hide the sausage.

41:48LAUGHTER

41:52The labia is connected to the clitoris.

41:55LAUGHTER

41:57Sorry, just a song I do to help get my bearings.

42:00LAUGHTER

42:04A lot of women are intimidated by...

42:07..magicians?

42:08LAUGHTER

42:12Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Sorry, one second.

42:15Idea for TV show. Britain's weirdest fannies.

42:19LAUGHTER

42:29They, um, they didn't have any handcuffs, so...

42:32..I've brought a bike lock.

42:35LAUGHTER

42:36LAUGHTER

42:39We have to be together.

42:40We have so much in common.

42:42We even have the same mum.

42:45LAUGHTER

42:49Oh, Dobby's a naughty little house elf.

42:52Oh, Dobby needs to be punished.

42:55Dobby... Sorry, doggy style.

42:57Never heard of it.

42:58LAUGHTER

42:59LAUGHTER

43:04We're wearing the same pants.

43:07LAUGHTER

43:11You look different from the picture in your...

43:14..obituary.

43:15LAUGHTER

43:19Could I have your watch?

43:21I'm trying to make my wife jealous.

43:24LAUGHTER

43:26So, what position are we trying?

43:28Six, seven.

43:29Oh, God, you're way too young for me.

43:31LAUGHTER

43:34I can give you eight inches,

43:36so long as you're happy to accept it in four easy-to-manage instalments.

43:40LAUGHTER

43:43I thought you might like some music.

43:46This is the theme to bagpuss.

43:49LAUGHTER

43:52You know, you're a really good kisser.

43:54And I could tell.

43:56I've kissed over 80,000 men.

43:59LAUGHTER

44:01I'm afraid I've run out of chocolate body paint.

44:04But I've got some Mattesons fish paste.

44:07LAUGHTER

44:09LAUGHTER

44:10LAUGHTER

44:12Good question.

44:13I favour being tickled gently on the anus with a feather.

44:19LAUGHTER

44:19Oh, a starter from the menu.

44:21LAUGHTER

44:25Oh, bonjour.

44:27I can't get my packet of crisps open.

44:30LAUGHTER

44:32APPLAUSE

44:33At the end of that round, the point is for Ed Rees and Janine.

44:36APPLAUSE

44:40That's the end of the show.

44:42This week's winners are...

44:44Aleister Beckett-King, Hugh Dennis and Ellie Taylor.

44:48Commiserations to Janine Harouni, Rhys James and Ed Byrne.

44:52CHEERING

44:55I'm Dara Breen.

44:56Good night.

44:57The Forbidden Music

45:01I've heard about the things that happen

45:03The world's a woman

45:06You're going to believe in everything you see I can

45:12Read all about it

45:15Read all about it

45:17The place of the world

45:18The place of the world

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