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FunTranscript
00:27This is a production of the U.S. Department of Education.
00:44You're nuts!
01:00Meet Kevin, he's into sport.
01:04Lindsay, love him gardening.
01:08And this is Morrie, and no one touches his rod.
01:12Reg, he's an indoors type.
01:15And Stan, he's the sexy one.
01:19They are the Old Spice Blokes.
01:21And their hot new album is out now with all their smash hits.
01:26If you want to borrow my mower, let me just make one a bit clear.
01:30Better get it back for tomorrow, or we'll get a clip round here.
01:34No, I won't do the dishes.
01:36What do you reckon, I'm queer?
01:38Because if you want to be my sheila, then you better wash my gear.
01:44And their touching ballad.
01:49I need another beer like I've never needed beer before.
01:54Throwing up a snag on the barbie.
01:56Had a big spew and now I'll deck the ball.
02:00I think I'll leave the blow in a car beat.
02:03And this chart topper.
02:05I'm watching telly now, so don't be a cow and piss off.
02:12Steve Waugh's just made a ton, Taylor's out for one.
02:18The Old Spice Blokes, out now on Warnie Brothers Records.
02:25Can I have your attention please?
02:27Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you all here to today's proceedings.
02:31The auction of this charming residence.
02:33I know the owner is very keen to sell today, so can I please have an opening bid?
02:39We could start anywhere.
02:41An opening bid from anyone?
02:43I'll open the bidding at $100,000.
02:46$100,000?
02:50Yes?
02:51You, sir?
02:52Yes, you, sir.
02:53$100,000?
02:54Yes, sir.
02:55$100,000 from sir with the red collar.
02:59Any advance on $100,000?
03:02$110,000 for a madam with the sticky-out ears?
03:05No.
03:06$120,000 from sir.
03:07Good bidding.
03:08Any advance on $120,000?
03:10$130,000?
03:11$140,000 for a madam with a saliva problem?
03:13Any advance on $140,000?
03:16Was that a bid, sir?
03:18Just licking your balls.
03:19Thank you very much.
03:20Any advance on $140,000?
03:22I'll take fives.
03:24$145,000.
03:25$150,000?
03:26$160,000?
03:27$165,000?
03:29$170,000?
03:30$175,000?
03:31$180,000?
03:33$200,000?
03:34Any advance on $200,000?
03:36Are we all finished?
03:38Are we all done?
03:41Sold for $200,000 to the Agni Boxer with the studded collar.
03:45Congratulations.
03:45Congratulations.
04:05Oh, God!
04:08That is it!
04:10I cannot stand it anymore.
04:13How am I supposed to sleep?
04:17Look, I'm going to say something.
04:18No, no, no, just relax.
04:23How am I supposed to relax with that going on next door?
04:28Look, it'll be over soon.
04:30But it's relentless, you know, night after night after night.
04:34Don't leave a sleep.
04:40How many people has she got in there?
04:42Tim, Tim, don't be so uptight.
04:44I mean, sex between consenting and dogs is a perfect and normal part of everyday life.
04:48I know.
04:56Normal.
04:57You call that normal?
04:59I'm going in there.
05:00No, no, no, no, sweetheart, you know how much she looks forward to it.
05:02Look, I don't care how much she looks forward to it.
05:06It's disgusting!
05:08La, la, la!
05:14Just try and go to sleep.
05:15Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
05:27Ah!
05:29Ah!
05:30Ah!
05:30Yes! Yes!
05:31Ah! Ah!
05:35Ah!
05:41That is it.
05:43Tomorrow morning you are going to say something to her.
05:46Why do I have to say something to her?
05:48She's your mother.
05:49Oh!
05:52Oh!
05:55Oh!
05:59Oh!
06:00Oh!
06:02Oh!
06:14Oh!
06:23This package is for the Acme Trampoline Company.
06:26Yeah.
06:27They're on the next floor up.
06:29What's this then?
06:30The Acme Glass Recycling Company.
06:33Yeah!
06:36Woo!
06:46Tonight, on Foreign Correspondent, we examine our image abroad and ask world leaders what they really think of the Federal
06:53Treasurer, Peter Costello.
06:54I should warn you, the following segment contains strong language.
06:58So please switch off now if you're offended by the Malaysian word for insulting dickhead,
07:04the Fijian word for arrogant pons,
07:06or the Cook Islands word for I'm going to dick that grinning buffhead for calling me a fat old pisspot.
07:27Be very careful. This plane is filled with the most evil, contemptible, vile food ever served on the plane.
07:34This is Cyrus Grissom, also known as Cyrus the Virus.
07:38Why do they call him Cyrus the Virus?
07:41He gives you the shits.
07:42This is Johnny 23, serving 25 years for rape and murder.
07:47Why do they call him Johnny 23?
07:48His father was Johnny 22.
07:51This is Cameron Poe.
07:53Why do they call him Cameron?
07:54His mother liked the name.
08:07What you in for?
08:08Justifiable homicide.
08:10Who'd you kill?
08:11My hairstylist.
08:16Come buy with me, let's buy, let's buy, oh, why.
08:20All right, all right, all right. Now shut up, you filth.
08:23If you bastards want to survive this flight, you'd better listen up and listen good.
08:32Welcome aboard Conair Flight 412.
08:35Please observe the no-stabbing signs and make sure that your leg irons are securely fastened.
08:43In an event of an emergency, I will be either exiting here, here or here, but you worthless scum will
08:52stay strapped in your seats and burn and fry either there, there or there.
09:02Hey, pretty boy, what say we break out and kill everybody in a mean and nasty way?
09:08No thanks.
09:10What? Are you some kind of goody-goody sissy pants?
09:16Nope. I'm a mean, nasty person, just like you.
09:20Girl.
09:22What do you want to break out for, anyway?
09:24I just heard the implied movie is Jungle to Jungle.
09:32From Sydney, the ABC's lead line, here's Maxine McHugh.
09:36Good evening and welcome to the program.
09:38Prime Minister John Howard has recently been discharged from hospital after serious illness.
09:43He's kindly agreed to speak to us from his home where he is convalescing.
09:47Mr Howard, thanks for joining us.
09:58Mr Howard, you were obviously much sicker than we were first led to believe.
10:02Oh, look, no, not at all, Maxine. It's really nothing.
10:06But surely no-one would leave Tim Fisher in charge of a country unless it was something serious.
10:11No, well, obviously not.
10:13The length of your hospital stay has led to some speculation as to whether there is something more serious going
10:18on.
10:19No, no, no. Look, no, no.
10:23Maxine, there you go again, jumping to conclusions over what was, in fact, a very minor operation.
10:30Operation?
10:31Well, you know, I mean, procedure.
10:34But pneumonia doesn't require surgery.
10:37Well, look, Maxine, when we said I had pneumonia, we didn't mean pneumonia in the strictest sense of the word.
10:46Well, what exactly did you have done?
10:48Oh, well, you know, just a bit of a nip and tuck.
10:52Plastic surgery?
10:53Well, of a type, yes. Let's just say, Maxine, for the sake of argument,
10:59give, give, give.
11:01Now, look, look, now, let's just say that giving nothing away hypothetically
11:05that I may possibly have had a sex change operation.
11:11You've become a woman.
11:13Well, only in a technical sense.
11:16I have undergone the knife to remove what, in parliamentary terms, you might call dead wood.
11:25Now, why did you have a sex change?
11:27Well, look, it was at the suggestion of my advisers.
11:31That you lose one of your members.
11:34No, look, I don't think that's called for, Maxine.
11:37Look, the way they put it was that if I wanted to win back the support that Pauline Hanson has
11:42taken,
11:43I should become a bit more like her.
11:45You don't suppose they meant you should emulate her grassroots approach?
11:50No, well, look, of course they bloody meant that.
11:52But did anyone tell me?
11:54No, not until after I'd already suffered a bit of a middle order collapse in the downstairs department.
12:01Are you going to try and have the operation reversed?
12:04No, look, Maxine, look, there's no use shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.
12:09And after all, it does have its advantages.
12:13Such as?
12:14Well, look, it is in line with our policy to have more women on the front bench.
12:19And Peter Costello pays a lot more attention to me these days.
12:24And now, none of my political opponents can accuse me of going off half-cocked.
12:32Miss Howard, thank you very much.
12:33Thank you, Maxine.
12:35By the way, Maxine, I really like that blouse you've got on.
12:39Now, where did you get it?
12:45Say, how are we going to take over this plane?
12:52Easy.
12:53I've concealed some special equipment in my stomach.
12:56All I have to do is pull it out with this thread.
13:16Damn.
13:17I'll just have to use the gun I bought, duty-free.
13:28Okay, we've taken over the aircraft.
13:31I want you to release every sick, mean, twisted son of a bitch on this plane.
13:36Everyone?
13:38Well, maybe not those guys.
13:41Ball, man, ball, man, ball, man.
13:45Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy!
13:47Boy, boy, boy!
13:53Mrs. Poe, there seems to be a problem with your husband's flight.
13:57What is it?
13:58His luggage has been sent to the Bahamas.
14:00Oh, God, no!
14:01The plane has been taken over by a bunch of psychotic killers.
14:05What?
14:06Again?
14:07Now, your husband had an opportunity to get off of the plane, however he stayed on.
14:11Can you think why?
14:12Frequent flyer points?
14:14No.
14:14It means he is a good guy.
14:16If only he could get a message to us.
14:25My God, there is a message written on that man's T-shirt.
14:29What does it say?
14:30My parents went to surfers for their holidays and all I got was this crappy T-shirt.
14:34P.S.
14:35We're headed to Las Vegas.
14:38First up tonight, the sex industry in Thailand,
14:41where a night of pleasure can cost a traveller as little as $50.
14:44Then, the Munich Beer Festival, a two-week drunken celebration of amber fluid.
14:49And finally, Amsterdam,
14:51where industrial-strength marijuana is available in every coffee shop.
14:55These and other highlights from my holiday videos on tonight's Foreign Correspondent.
15:13Welcome back to Real TV.
15:15I'm Simon Westaway.
15:17And tonight we've got more real footage of real events captured by real people in a way that's really real.
15:24This street was the scene for real-life tragedy caught on video as it happened.
15:29It was during the City to Surf race.
15:31A spectator was videoing Peter Jones, the current marathon world champion.
15:36At this stage, Peter had a huge lead on the rest of the field when he unimaginably happened.
15:44Fortunately, Peter wasn't killed straight away, but he did sustain some life-threatening injuries.
15:50As Peter lay in agony on the ground, a group of onlookers gathered, yet they were powerless to help.
15:56However, a few were smart enough to capture their own unique video footage, shown here for the first time.
16:04It had begun to look like Peter wasn't going to make it, until the police arrived on the scene and
16:10took control.
16:12They sent us this amazing footage.
16:18But medical help was soon at hand in the form of these dedicated professionals.
16:23The well-trained and experienced ambulance men swung into action and were able to momentarily revive Peter,
16:30while still shooting these amazing pictures.
16:39But then, real disaster struck.
16:51I don't think you're a bad guy at all.
16:54Now, what makes you think that?
16:56After you went to the toilet, you put the seat down.
16:59Damn.
17:02Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
17:04We're currently cruising at 15,000 feet and expect to crash at our scheduled time of around 2.30.
17:09I'll now return you to your in-flight riot.
17:16Anything from the bomb?
17:19Bottle of whiskey, thanks.
17:28Ground control.
17:29This plane's bound to crash.
17:32There's no airfield in the vicinity.
17:35Damn.
17:35We need to find a place desolate, lifeless, where no one gives a shit.
17:39It's all right.
17:40I've found it.
17:52Hi.
18:04I'm Kathy Scanlon.
18:06You might remember me from my top-selling video.
18:11Kathy Scanlon, out of seduction.
18:15Well, that video was so popular and sold out, it really worked.
18:19And just listen to a letter from my satisfied customer.
18:23Dear Kathy, thank you for your video.
18:26I have now got a steady girlfriend.
18:28I popped your video under her wooden leg and now she doesn't wobble anymore.
18:33But there's nothing funny about the hardest part of relationship breaking up.
18:38How do you get rid of the bastards once they can't live without you?
18:42Well, just by my brand new video.
18:46Kathy Scanlon's out of breaking up.
18:52Rule, you made yourself very attractive to get him in the first place.
19:05When you want to break up, do what I do and meet him in person.
19:19But what if you've defied the odds and he loves you for your personality?
19:23Then dumping the loser becomes a real challenge.
19:26Just follow rule two.
19:28Resist the temptation to use your sparkling wit.
19:32Sparkling wit.
19:33And then the judge said I'm the one with the hair.
19:37What do you think, Kathy?
19:48Hi.
19:49Morning, sir.
19:50May I ask you if you have any idea how fast you were travelling?
19:54Gee, I thought around 60.
19:57Well, according to my radar, you were doing 110.
20:01What do you think?
20:01Must be on the blink.
20:03Japanese crap.
20:06Well, sorry for bothering you.
20:07Carry on.
20:19Well, here I am at Ridley Park, where the Swans are training for Sunday's big match.
20:22I'm talking to their captain, Murray Harrison.
20:24Murray, you weren't moving too freely out there today.
20:27Ah, no, Skeet.
20:27I wasn't too comfortable out there tonight.
20:29You know, my ankles have been playing up the last few weeks.
20:32Do you reckon you're going to be fit for Sunday's match?
20:33Well, at this stage of the season, we don't want to be carrying any passengers into a game,
20:37so I'm ruling myself out.
20:41You're ruling yourself out?
20:42Yeah, yeah, ruling myself out.
20:43Give a chance to one of the young blokes to get up and have a run, you know.
20:46Right, so you'll be watching from the stands then on the weekend?
20:48Well, I was planning to, Skeeter, but they told me it's going to be pretty cold,
20:52and so what with the metal benches and me piles playing up,
20:56could get pretty uncomfortable, so now I'm ruling myself out of that as well.
20:59Right, so you're ruling yourself out from watching from the stands?
21:01Yeah, yeah, ruling myself out. I'll be up to one of the young blokes to watch the game for me.
21:06Right, right. So you'll be spending a quiet weekend with the wife then?
21:08Ah, no, Skeeter. No, I've been playing up a bit lately, you know, sleeping around a bit,
21:13so I don't think I deserve a wife, so I'll be ruling myself out of the marriage.
21:16You're ruling yourself out of the marriage?
21:18Yeah, you know, I reckon I'll give one of the young blokes a chance to get up and get his
21:21end in.
21:22Should be good.
21:23Right, so you'll be spending a bit of time on your own then?
21:24Ah, well, no, my self-esteem has been playing up lately, Skeeter,
21:28so I don't think I deserve myself at the moment.
21:30In fact, I don't even deserve to live,
21:33so I'll be ruling myself out of everything.
21:35I'm ruling out thinking, I'm ruling out breathing,
21:39I'm ruling out existing.
21:41Well, bad news for the Swan supporters there.
21:43So do you have any idea what's causing this ankle problem?
21:45Ah, no idea, Skeeter.
21:47Do you reckon it has something to do with the fact that you've got your boots on the wrong feet?
21:53Oh, yeah, you know, I wouldn't rule that out, no.
22:00Of course, if all these sub-drue methods fail
22:02and he ends up popping the question,
22:05engage rule three,
22:06feign your own death.
22:08Cathy,
22:09oh, I can't live without you.
22:14I want you to be my wife.
22:20Or feign his.
22:25Cathy?
22:27Oh, uh,
22:29I thought you were dead,
22:30so I married Rob Elliot.
22:37You can be unlovable,
22:39just like me,
22:40if you follow my easy-to-follow instructions
22:43in my instructional video video.
22:45My step-by-step steps
22:47will help you take the step
22:48and then the next one
22:49and so on
22:50until you walk the walk
22:52and talk the something
22:53of the utterly alone.
22:55Cathy Scanlon's art of breaking up
22:57because, remember,
22:59if it's not broken,
23:00I can fix it.
23:07Now don't get up for five minutes
23:09and nobody gets hurt.
23:11Stay there.
23:12Stay there.
23:14What up, pal?
23:15Put the gun down
23:16and walk out slowly.
23:18Come here.
23:19You just stay back,
23:19you bastards,
23:20or I swear
23:20I'll blow this bitch's head off.
23:23Well,
23:23I would prefer Sarah.
23:25Shut up,
23:25you smart-ass.
23:27Sarah?
23:28Not
23:29Sarah Bleedsby.
23:31Yes.
23:32From Armadale?
23:33Yes.
23:34Sarah,
23:35it's me,
23:35Bruce Carter.
23:37Bruce Carter,
23:38remember?
23:39We went to school together.
23:40I took you to the movies once.
23:42Bruce Carter,
23:42how could I forget you?
23:44Sarah,
23:44you haven't changed a bit.
23:45You look fantastic.
23:46It's very nice of you
23:47to say so, Bruce.
23:49I said,
23:49stay back,
23:50you pigs,
23:50or else she gets it.
23:53So what have you been up to
23:54since school?
23:55Oh,
23:55I joined the police force.
24:00That's great.
24:03You always look fabulous
24:04in a uniform.
24:05I know.
24:06I didn't think so.
24:09Thanks.
24:10Yeah,
24:10so,
24:11whatever happened to you
24:12and Larry?
24:13You two still together?
24:19We were.
24:20The divorce came through
24:21last year.
24:22Gee,
24:22that's too bad.
24:23Hey,
24:24perhaps you and I
24:25could get together sometime.
24:31Yeah,
24:31I'd like that.
24:34When?
24:35Are you free
24:36next Saturday night?
24:37I doubt it.
24:38It'd be a shame
24:38to lose touch again.
24:39Well,
24:40I'll be in court
24:40pretty soon.
24:41Maybe we could
24:41catch up then.
24:42Oh,
24:42I'd like that.
24:43Okay.
24:43Okay.
24:44See ya.
24:46Oh,
24:46God,
24:47that brings back memories.
24:48Yeah?
24:49That's how our first date ended.
24:52they wanted the best.
24:54They wanted the best.
24:54They expected a genius.
24:56What they got
24:57was a fruitcake.
25:02Even though the Liberal Party
25:04dumped him as their leader,
25:05they couldn't get rid of him
25:07completely.
25:08So they made him
25:09foreign minister
25:09and sent him overseas.
25:12Mr. Downer,
25:13are you looking forward
25:13to your meeting
25:13with Prime Minister Rotonga?
25:15Well,
25:15yes,
25:16I am,
25:16because the Foreign Affairs Department
25:18has done a lot of research on him
25:19and found that he's not as drunk
25:21or as stupid
25:22as some of the other
25:23prime ministers.
25:24Whoops!
25:24Oh, sorry,
25:25I wasn't meant to say that.
25:32Um,
25:33um,
25:33no thanks.
25:34I'll carry my own.
25:37Oh,
25:38oh!
25:38Give us a smile
25:39for Australia,
25:40copper.
25:42Thanks,
25:42mate.
25:46Ah,
25:47no,
25:47no.
25:48Oh.
25:51Oh.
25:53Oh.
25:54Alexander Downer is
25:56Mr. Hasby.
25:58Australia's own
25:59Force 10 disaster area.
26:01The world
26:02will never be safe again.
26:34Tonight's Australian National Nightly Network News has been carefully picked, snap-frozen
26:39and packaged to keep it garden-fresh on its journey from my mouth to your ears.
26:44And to head in tonight's news, alarm bells ringing all over Sydney this morning as people
26:50get up to go to work, the National Union of Psychics to go on strike over the terms of
26:56their 1999 contract, and an outpouring of sympathy as Australians pray for John Howard
27:02to get better.
27:05At being Prime Minister.
27:08But folks, the news.
27:10Well, a Brisbane man claimed today that he'd mastered the art of playing pin the tail on
27:14the donkey.
27:14He said he was now so good he could do it blindfolded.
27:22And the residents of Skipton certainly got a taste of summer today, when they all drank
27:27suntan lotion.
27:32Well, there were scenes of shock and confusion in a suburban chemist today, when I bought
27:37my first pack of condoms in over six months.
27:42Well, the manufacturers of the chocolate replicas of Evander Holyfield's ear are so pleased
27:47with the popularity of the suite, they have announced their intention to produce more
27:51confections based on famous damaged body parts.
27:54Next week, they will release a jam-filled donut in the shape of John Wayne Bobbitt's penis.
28:04And that will be followed by a jelly bean, the exact same size and shape of Pauline Hanson's
28:10brain.
28:18Well, the Statue of Liberty, the Mississippi River, the Grand Canyon and Boston, Massachusetts.
28:24Only in America.
28:29But now, following on from the leaked Treasury briefing papers on South Pacific leaders,
28:34it has been revealed that another set of Treasury documents has been leaked, this one pertaining
28:39to Australian public figures.
28:41Joining me in the studio to discuss them is Treasurer Mr Peter Costello.
28:47Good evening, Minister, and thank you for joining us.
28:49Lucky to have me, Ian.
28:50Yes, indeed.
28:52So, just who are some of the public figures on which you have received confidential Treasury
28:57assessments?
28:58Well, there's lots of them, Ian.
29:00Well, throw a name at me.
29:02Right.
29:03Kerry Packer?
29:04Yeah, absolutely, Ian.
29:06Just last week, I received information on Kerry Packer that many people will find quite
29:10startling.
29:11Right.
29:11What's that?
29:12He's a top bloke.
29:15And is that it?
29:16No, no, no.
29:16That's not all.
29:18We also received some surprising information about his son, James Packer.
29:22And that is?
29:23He's a top bloke, too.
29:26I see.
29:27Yes, yes.
29:28That's not all, though.
29:29His wife to be, Kate Fisher.
29:31She's a top bloke?
29:32No, no, no.
29:33But Treasury confirms that she's got a great set of tits.
29:41Of course, Ian, that's Treasury's words, not mine.
29:44Yes, I see.
29:45Now, what about politicians?
29:47Say, Kim Beasley.
29:48He's got a great set of tits, too.
29:53Well, maybe not as good as Kate Fisher's, but we'll say Treasury reckons.
29:58Right.
29:58And what about John Howard?
30:00Well, according to Treasury, and this is in their words, Ian, not mine, John Howard is
30:05a snivelling, vacillating, aggravating little lick spittle with the personality of a wombat
30:09and a mind to match it.
30:11Treasury also reckons he shouldn't be allowed to drive a car, let alone run a country, and
30:15should step aside immediately.
30:17Right.
30:18Nothing new there.
30:19But what about the Prime Minister's potential successors?
30:24Say, Peter Reith, for example.
30:26Only two words there, Ian.
30:28Ian, boring turd.
30:31Treasury's words, Ian, is not mine, of course.
30:33No.
30:34And Amanda Vanstone?
30:35In their opinion, she's big.
30:38Right.
30:39Yes.
30:40And Alexander Downer?
30:41They've never heard of him.
30:44What?
30:45And what do the Treasury briefing notes say about you?
30:48Oh, about me, Ian?
30:49Well, let me think.
30:50Oh, jeez, I can't quite remember.
30:52How about we check, shall we?
30:54Oh, look at that.
30:54Isn't that interesting?
30:55According to Treasury, Peter Costello is a clever, talented, witty spunk rat who deserves
31:00to be made Prime Minister forever.
31:04How about that, eh?
31:05Yes, yes.
31:06How about that?
31:06It's quite funny, really, because I have a note here in front of me that says you're
31:10a complete tool.
31:11Oh, really?
31:11Where's that?
31:12It's just here on my doodle pad.
31:16Well, there you go.
31:17Peter Costello, complete tool.
31:19Well, that's what's making news tonight.
31:20But remember, all this weekend, I'll be appearing on television screens at the Crown Casino in
31:25my ex-girlfriend's homemade porn video.
31:31But for now, we'll leave you with this exclusive footage of Shane Warne on his recent trip home
31:36to visit his beautiful new baby daughter, Brooke.
31:39Good night.
31:44Hey, Bubba, Bubba, say, say, bowling, say, bowling, say, bowling, say, bowling, say, bowling.
31:52Right on, Brookey.
31:53Right on, Brookey.
31:53Daddy, get a bowl.
31:54Daddy, get a bowl.
31:56Ah!
31:57Ah, you missed it, Brookey, you missed it!
32:02Right on, Brookey, we'll get you a little bottle.
32:04Daddy will tell you a little bedtime story about the flogging we gave the poms in the third
32:07test in England.
32:10Boy, did we kick their asses!
32:12Yeah, got that!
32:15Yeah!
32:19Right on, Brookey.
32:20Daddy's got something for Brookey.
32:21Daddy's got something for Brookey.
32:23Here, this will even things up a bit.
32:26All right?
32:26There you go.
32:27Good on you.
32:29Right on, Brookey.
32:30Now, take block for Daddy.
32:32That's it.
32:33That's it.
32:33Now, Daddy's coming in from the nursery end.
32:59Good on you, Brookey.
33:02Good on you, Maggie.
33:05Good on you, Brookey.
33:07day. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Get up, I'm dizzy. Bowling. Well done. How's it going? Hey, listen.
33:25What's the difference between the English cricket team and my grandmother's teeth? Hey, what's
33:31the difference? English cricket team and my grandmother's teeth. Gran's teeth are still
33:36in at lunch. Hey, hey, hey. Why is Robert Croft, your bowler, your bowler, why is Robert
33:57Croft like Cliff Richard? Because he's never bowled a maiden over.
34:05I get it. All right, Mexican wine. Three, two, one. Hey, boo. I've had enough, Sean.
34:16What? Sally, what are you talking about? We don't spend enough time together anymore.
34:21Oh, please. Haven't we been through all this? Well, we never got out anymore. It's always
34:25you and the guys, and it's always me visiting you. Sally, you know what it is like. I'm
34:30just finding it very hard to get out these days. That's just an excuse, Sean, and you know
34:35it. All right, look, I promise I will make it up to you just as soon as my... Yeah, well,
34:41there's always a story, isn't there, Sean? If it's not your parole, it's six months solitary
34:46confinement. Hey, how do you know when a plane load of poms have landed in Australia? Because
34:59when they stop the engines, you can still hear the whining. Hey, Matthew Elliott, give us a
35:10wife. I'm not wearing any other pants. Good evening and welcome to the show.
35:39Well, Margaret, what did you think of that? David, I thought it was horrible. I felt like
35:44leaving the room. It was long-winded and, quite frankly, it stuck. Well, Margaret, I must disagree.
35:50I thought it was an absolute ripper. Very satisfying. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Five stars. And look
35:57out for the sequel, which is about to be released right now. John Howard lied. Compulsively.
36:06Our policy will not cause a cut in the take-home pay of Australian workers. Obsessively. There will
36:13be a constitutional convention. Continually. The GST was not part of our policy for this government.
36:19And then one day, something happened. He won the election. And now, he just doesn't care
36:28anymore. John Howard in Liar Liar. And you stupid bastards just keep falling for it.
36:42What's that? You BW book, you English prick!
36:47Okay, Mrs. Harrison, I've got your husband's test results back. And I think I can explain
36:54the blurred vision, the inaudible speech, the lack of balance. So, is it a brain tumour?
37:00Is it a stroke? No, no, no, no, no. As far as I can tell, he's pissed.
37:14Pissed? Will he be all right? Well, I'm afraid he's very pissed. He may even be what we in the
37:23medical profession refer to as shit-faced.
37:28But, see, it just happened all of a sudden. Like, he went out to meet with his friends
37:33and he was fine. And then he came home. And he's like this.
37:38Well, that's not uncommon. You see, this can strike at any time. Although, usually when
37:42the pubs are open.
37:44Doctor, where did he catch it from?
37:46Oh, no, no, no. It's not contagious. This ailment is completely self-inflicted.
37:50Oh, God. So, what's got into him?
37:54Um, well, it looks like two family-sized pizzas and 25 dim sims.
37:59So, what's going to happen now?
38:02Well, over the next few hours, you can expect him to be talking absolute crap.
38:07Oh, I love you, Mary.
38:11Of course, that'll be broken up by sporadic bouts and...
38:16What should I do, Doctor?
38:18There's nothing you can do, Mrs Harrison. Just get him home. See that he gets a good night's
38:22sleep.
38:23Oh, thank you, Doctor.
38:25Oh, one other thing. He'll probably demand sex.
38:28Oh, really?
38:29But he won't actually be able to do it.
38:32Oh, good. So, it's not all bad news, darling. Come on, let's get you home. Let's get another
38:39drinking tea.
38:43Hey, hey, what's the difference? What's the difference between cat's piss, eh, cat's
38:48piss, and an English beer, eh? Well, one's warm and horrible and tastes like cat's piss,
38:54and the other one's cat's piss. Come on, Aussie, come on, come on. Come on, Aussie, come on.
39:05Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
39:08real-life English Bobby. Although, judging from what's on his head, they should call him
39:12a booby. Hey, mate, he probably wants to borrow your newspaper, you know? He wants to borrow
39:19your newspaper to keep abreast of the Times, eh? Get it, Times?
39:24Brasta?
39:25All right, sir, I think you'd better come along with me, eh?
39:28Oh, come on, mate, fair sucker. The same haven't you, Pommie's got a sense of humour.
39:33No, you probably haven't. I've seen two the men are born.
39:39One's going home in the back of a divvy van.
39:53Hope you've enjoyed tonight's Foreign Correspondent. That's about all we have time for this week.
39:58Next week, Jonathan will be in Botswana, having a look at the latest coup. Marilyn will be in
40:02Hong Kong, having a look at the economic climate since the hand opened. And I'll be in hospital,
40:07having this desk surgically removed from my arse.
40:24Oh, God!
40:28That is it. I cannot stand it anymore. How am I supposed to sleep?
40:36Look, I'm going to say something.
40:37No, no, no, no, just relax.
40:42How am I supposed to relax with that going on next door?
40:47It'll be over soon.
40:49But it's relentless. Night after night after night. Don't leave a sleep.
40:59How many people has she got in there?
41:01Tim, Tim, don't be so uptight. I mean, sex between consenting and dogs is a perfectly normal
41:06part of everyday life.
41:15Normal. You call that normal?
41:18I'm going in there.
41:19No, no, no, no, sweetheart. You know how much she looks forward to it.
41:21Look, I don't care how much she looks forward to it.
41:25It's disgusting!
41:27La, la, la!
41:33Just try and go to sleep.
41:34la, la, la!
41:37O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
42:01That is it. Tomorrow morning, you're going to say something to her.
42:05Why do I have to say something to her?
42:08She's your mother.
42:20Well, she's your mother too.
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