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00:00Oh
00:41You've heard her speak, now hear her sing
00:44Some of the world's greatest songs in her own special way
00:48On Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party album
00:52Who could forget that old white magic
00:55Or tie a white ribbon around the old oak tree
00:58And of course the wonderful
01:00Ivory and Ivory
01:05Imagine how marvellous it would be
01:10When the only people left in this country
01:15Are just like me
01:20Featuring her back-up singers, the White and White minstrel
01:24Ivory and Ivory
01:27We have no cultural diversity
01:29Eat white bread, breakfast, squash and tea
01:33Just like me, woo-hoo!
01:35Ivory and Ivory
01:37Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party album
01:40Out now on KKK tell record
02:00It was nearly ten years ago that reports of bastardisation in armed services training schools first came to light
02:07The public was shocked by stories of ritual humiliation committed upon young and new recruits
02:13But only recently more serious allegations have come to light
02:16Involving a well-known military-style organisation
02:19The Brownies
02:28Left over right and under
02:30Right over left and under
02:33Now, what do we call that?
02:36You were the freckles!
02:39A granny knot?
02:40It's a wreath knot, you horrible little tweety!
02:49Come on up, you get
02:52It's only 400 volts
02:54Come on, balance!
02:55Balance!
02:57What do you say to allegations that you're just too tough on these young girls?
03:01Look, we have to teach these girls skills necessary for life in the community
03:05We have to teach them how to tie knots, press flowers and make paper mache piggy banks
03:09And if they get killed in the process, well, that's just the law of the jungle
03:16Do you like the brownies?
03:18Yeah, yeah, it's alright
03:19Except for the badges
03:21What's wrong with the badges?
03:23Well, some of them are really hard to get, like this one
03:26What did you have to do to earn that one?
03:28I had to run into a waller 100 times
03:3199!
03:33100!
03:34Fall back incorrectly!
03:36Next!
03:37It was form like this which earned Vicky her running into a wall badge
03:42This is my badge for community service
03:44This is my badge for cooking
03:46This is my badge for art
03:48And Brown Owl said that I have to get one more badge
03:50Or I'll never be a girl guy
03:53And what badge is that?
03:57Gel collecting
03:59I've got one
04:04Some of these badges seem rather difficult
04:10Look, there's nothing a young girl can't achieve if she puts a mind to it
04:13Wrestling a killer python?
04:15Simple
04:16Gargling cement?
04:17Easy
04:18Well, what about kissing an oncoming bus?
04:20Cinch
04:20Sticking your face in a food processor?
04:23Now, look, these girls love me
04:25They regard me as their own mother
04:26Why don't you just ask them?
04:29She's a bit strict
04:30She put a beehive up my skirt
04:32Why?
04:33I was blinking too much
04:35Why do you girls have those ropes tied around you?
04:38We're going for our road safety badge
04:39Are you two tweenies ready?
04:42Yes, Brown Owl
04:43You beauty!
04:59Okay, Rhonda, any idea what the puzzle is?
05:02No idea
05:03Okay
05:04Bird
05:08Rolling stone gathers no moss?
05:11Not quite
05:12Rhonda, perhaps if I give you a clue
05:14Now, we've got someone waving
05:16Saying hi, perhaps
05:17And there's a garment as well
05:19Could be a jumper
05:20Minus the ER
05:21Any idea?
05:24Hello, Cardigan
05:26No
05:28Hello, Wind Cheater
05:30No
05:31Hi, hi
05:33High voltage rock and roll
05:34Hi, honey, I'm home
05:37High planes drifter
05:38No, it's high jump
05:40All right
05:40It's high
05:41With a jumper
05:42Minus the ER
05:43Which is high jump
05:44Oh
05:46You don't get it, do you?
05:48No
05:48No
05:49It's all a bit confusing
05:51We find it hard to follow
05:53Well, why did you come on the show
05:55In the first place?
05:57Well, the nice lady said
05:59That we weren't smart enough
06:00To go on
06:01Price is Right
06:12Murray, you ready?
06:13Yeah
06:14Okay, Adam, come here
06:15Now, what you do is you go up to the counter
06:17To Gary's suite
06:18And you say
06:19I reckon you're cool
06:20Can I please have a big sky?
06:23I mean, oh, a Big Mac
06:25Okay
06:25I don't want to be saved by Fabio
06:27Yeah, look, Fabio's not here, mate
06:28All right
06:29Where is he?
06:30I don't know
06:30Look, he's probably in a gutter somewhere
06:32He doesn't do charity gigs
06:33Look, it doesn't matter
06:34He works for another network, okay?
06:36But it's supposed to be Miss Happy Day
06:37Listen, kid
06:39It's going to be Miss Happy Day
06:40If you don't start doing what I'm telling you, okay?
06:43There's Tim Ferguson
06:47What's Ferguson doing in the bloody shot?
06:49He's not going to be in our news
06:50Get rid of him, will you?
06:51Hey, will you get Gary Sweet out of the bloody way
06:53So we can do a news item on Tim Ferguson?
06:55What are you?
06:55You can get rid of Sweet and Ferguson
06:57We're doing a story on Lisa McKeown
06:59Lisa McKeown?
07:01Oh, yeah
07:01She's fantastic
07:02And she can dance, too
07:03No, I'm sorry, no, forget it
07:05We are the highest rating news service
07:06You're going to have to wait for us
07:08No, no, cut it out, mate
07:08We have been here since 8 o'clock this morning with Gary Sweet
07:11Have you seen him sell any hamburgers to anybody?
07:13That's not the point
07:14Oh, I see
07:15So we just forget it's a charity day, do we?
07:16No, I have not forgotten
07:17It's just that I want to film our celebrities being charitable, not yours
07:22Hey, don't push me, pal
07:23You can both shove it
07:24Oh, piss off!
07:29Oh, piss off!
07:30Oh, piss off!
07:32Oh, piss off!
07:32Oh, piss off!
07:33Oh, piss off!
07:36What are you getting for today?
07:37Cheap, better than chicken, please
07:38Thank you, Dave
07:39OK!
07:41And chips
07:52And before we go tonight, it was McHappy Day today right around the country
07:57A day where TV personalities all get together to work for a very worthy cause
08:03Where are the girls?
08:04I'm putting Sally to bed
08:05Oh, right
08:06Here you go, mate
08:07Done to perfection
08:08Just like your beloved swarms
08:10Oh, get out of it
08:11We were robbed!
08:13Oh, yeah, we were robbed!
08:14You know your problem?
08:15You are a lousy winner
08:16You are a lousy loser
08:19Oh, get it
08:20We didn't lose the game
08:21The umpire lost it for us
08:22If Stoneham hadn't got that free kick at the 23rd minute mark
08:25Oh, get your hand up!
08:26Why are you blind or something?
08:29Look, I'll show you what happened
08:30Oh, please, yeah
08:31Stoneham's this bean, right?
08:33Oh, yeah
08:34Mansfield's the squash
08:35Right
08:35He's the shepherd
08:36And Lockett's this potato, right?
08:39So Stoneham picks up the ball, right?
08:40He's on a wing
08:41He comes down here like this
08:42Yeah
08:43Mansfield is the shepherd
08:44Lockett's the potato
08:45He comes across
08:46Bumps Mansfield out of the way
08:47Then he comes at Stoneham
08:49Tackles Stoneham
08:50Fairly
08:51Fairly
08:51Fairly
08:52Comes off
08:53Ball goes loose
08:54He goes after it
08:55Umpire blows whistle
08:56Stoneham gets the free kick, right?
08:58No marker
08:58Stoneham bounce bounce bounce
09:00Down the ground
09:00Kicks the goal
09:01Lockett ripped off
09:02Ripped off
09:03Oh, listen mate, Lockett
09:04I'll tell you about your Lockett
09:05Running around all afternoon squashing my beans
09:07You can listen to this
09:07This is what happened
09:08This bread roll
09:09Stoneham, okay?
09:11Parsnip
09:12Mansfield
09:12And the gravy boat
09:13Is Lockett, okay?
09:14Now I'm with you 100%
09:16Stoneham takes the ball on the right wing, okay?
09:18Away he goes
09:18Then down comes
09:20Down comes Lockett
09:21Pound along after him
09:22Runs through Mansfield
09:23Squashes him into the ground
09:24Yeah
09:25Yeah
09:26Moves on
09:27Then next thing you know
09:28Bang!
09:29Right in the back of Stoneham, yeah?
09:31So
09:31Stoneham
09:32Gets the free kick
09:33Alright?
09:33But he plays on
09:34Lines it up
09:35Straight through the middle
09:36Bang!
09:37Goal!
09:37There's nothing
09:38Where's the free kick come from?
09:39I mean where was the umpire?
09:41The umpire!
09:41The bloody bread rolls mate
09:42They're right here!
09:44Okay?
09:45The umpire is the vase
09:46And the vase is over there!
09:48Oh!
09:48Oh!
09:49Alright, can I talk distance?
09:50It's fine, okay?
09:51Umpire's over there
09:52Lockett's over there!
09:53Fine!
09:54How could he be over there?
09:56What the hell?
09:57What the hell is going on here?
10:00You have no idea do you?
10:02None at all!
10:03That is not how it happened!
10:05Well how did it happen?
10:06It was how it happened!
10:07Right!
10:08Stoneham gets the ball off the wing
10:09He runs
10:09He shows Ozzie with the ball
10:10He shows Kelly the ball
10:11Lockett grabs him
10:12He fights him off the whistleblower
10:13He ignores it!
10:14He balks Lockett!
10:15He runs in the face of an open goal
10:17He goes and kicks a beautiful drop
10:18Punt in!
10:20It's a goal!
10:33well?
10:35Yeah, well, that's how it happened!
10:37That's how it happened!
10:39Which?
10:49Which?
10:50Which?
10:51Which?
10:52Which?
10:54Shut up!
10:59Thank you for the problems
11:02With evil
11:04Can expense
11:06With all of them
11:08Don't look for a spell
11:11Or a magic potion
11:13Summon
11:14Roger
11:18Explosion
11:19He'll kill it with his god
11:21Explosion
11:25Explosion
11:26Explosion
11:26His first magnetic blast
11:28Explosion
11:30Explosion
11:33And he drives
11:34Very fast
11:36Whenever I'm
11:38Dreaming of the future
11:41A boot
11:42A boot or nothing's going to
11:44Creature
11:45He'll fight for justice
11:48Unnecessary
11:49He may be moving but he will always
11:51Still be Roger
11:55Explosion
11:55Roger is power
11:57Stick your hands off your bum
11:59Einstein
12:01Ooooooh
12:03Roger
12:05Explosion
12:09Ro во
12:14X
12:16Ooooooh
12:19Roger
12:21Explosion
12:29Okay, Rhonda, somehow you've managed to get through the challenge around
12:32and now you're at the championship round.
12:34Are you excited?
12:36Yes.
12:37Okay, well, you go ahead.
12:38You know the way it works.
12:40No, I don't.
12:42It's very simple.
12:43You've got 40 seconds.
12:44You have to match the prizes behind the numbers.
12:46If you match them all in under 40 seconds,
12:48then the last one you match is the prize you get to keep.
12:50Oh.
12:51Do you understand?
12:52I'm not a moron, Mike.
12:55Okay, go ahead.
12:58I have a P for Penguin.
12:59Thanks, Mike.
13:13Stop!
13:13Come on, Talia!
13:14Come on, Talia!
14:01yes hello i'm lionel and this is terry we're from the moron church
14:08did you say moron church that's right the moron church
14:13we're here to speak to you about elvis we believe he's still alive on a spaceship
14:17up there with those lovely heavens gate people we also believe tim fisher's really smart
14:23oh yeah he's really got his eye on the ball that one we also believe there's no link between smoking
14:28and lung cancer we believe pamela anderson has never had a breast implant and that cape moss has
14:33we believe mark taylor should stay captain of the australian cricket team forever we also believe
14:38the spice girls should win an oscar for their new film oh and i'll tell you who else should have
14:42their own movie the music men absolutely and finally we believe the guy from the discount
14:47flight center is a real pilot perhaps you'd like to come to one of our moron meetings
14:51where are they held no idea or we could give you some of our literature except we left it on
14:57the
14:57bus or we could excuse me may i we're wasting our time here brother terence why's that brother lionel
15:04she's already one of us
15:11very good very good gavin you did very nicely
15:17come put the socks on please fantastic i have been involved in fashion shows for five years now and i
15:25love it i think without fashion shows men watching the end of news bulletins couldn't see women walking
15:31around in their underwear where else can you look at tits and bombs in such quantity and not be accused
15:37of being impaled a woman wearing a piece of string dancing on a stage is filth but a woman wearing
15:44a piece
15:44of string walking on a stage that is hurt cut you
15:54hey honey i come in here every night and i help the girls into and out of their lingerie
15:59it's ten thousand dollars a week i know that's a lot of money but i wouldn't pay it if i
16:04didn't think
16:04it was worth it do you think kerry will like me in this
16:13what do i do well i try to create an atmosphere of measured calm within which everyone can do their
16:19jobs i think i lend a certain something to the proceedings for i am not without my own poise
16:25charm and elegance yes but what do you actually do here i clean the dunnies see
16:43it is of course the designs that are the heart of a fashion show the designer starts off with the
16:49germ of an idea he lets it grow into a virus then when it is ready and a fully blown
16:54disease
16:55he infects the models with it a present designer in that regard he is an absolute genius
17:12what are they working on now
17:40let's have a look at it
17:41let's have a look at it
17:42let's have a look at it
17:44new from milo carrigan
17:47underpants
17:50what you wear under your clothing is our business
17:53what you do in it is yours
18:00once you put them on you'll never take them off
18:04he doesn't
18:06he doesn't
18:08wheel of carrigan underpants
18:11never below the belt
18:13turn
18:14turn
18:14Oh, my God.
18:51Good evening, I'm Ian Goodings, the newsreader with the winning smile, the third-place nod and the disqualified wink.
18:59And ahead in tonight's news, a million-dollar blaze at a discount wholesaler's causes just $250,000 worth of damage.
19:06A Melbourne court has overturned an egg timer.
19:09A Brisbane security guard received a nasty fright this morning when he watched Burt Newton.
19:16And a young Hobart man's dream becomes reality as he wets his bed.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:23But Thurk's the news.
19:26Well, Dr Alfred Billings, winner of the 1954 Nobel Prize for Medicine, was buried in his hometown of Liverpool today.
19:33He was 53.
19:35Police have arrested two men over the incident, and Dr Billings is now recovering safely in hospital.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:42And a mass walkout during a showing of the film Evita has caused Qantas Airlines to rethink its choice of
19:48in-flight movies.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:52And to world news now, and, uh, I don't know, there was some sort of bomb thing in India, somewhere
19:57crowded like that.
19:58And there was a meeting between a couple of Arabs with funny names.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:02Usual sort of stuff.
20:03But back home now, and more than 100 people are recovering in hospital tonight.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:12Well, if you fired a gun up the Bourke Street Mall yesterday, what on earth were you thinking?
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18You could have killed someone.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:20And a new survey has shown that when it comes to making love, many women say that size is not
20:26important.
20:27If any of those women are watching tonight, I'd like them to contact me, care of the station.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:38Well, the beleaguered British Conservative Party, and indeed most of England, was stunned today
20:43when Tory MP Clive Stephens admitted he is having a heterosexual relationship.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:49With his wife.
20:51LAUGHTER
20:52Well, earlier in the bulletin, we mentioned a Hobart man wetting the bed.
20:56And we'll have more of those news summaries later on.
20:59LAUGHTER
20:59But joining me now in the studio is Fire Chief Alexal Marsden from the Metropolitan Fire Brigade.
21:06Chief Marsden, thanks for your time.
21:08Ian.
21:08Chief, you old mate, the fire at the discount warehouse overnight.
21:11Can you confirm arson was the cause?
21:14Well, no, there's nothing to indicate that at this stage.
21:17Right, but if it was arson, what would you say to those arsonists?
21:21LAUGHTER
21:21Well, I think the viewers can well imagine what I might have to say to those people.
21:25Yes, but can you give us an example?
21:29Well, I would be reluctant to, um...
21:31Well, look, as I say, there's nothing to indicate that it was arson...
21:34Yes, but look, I don't wish to be teaching my grandmother how to suck eggs.
21:38She already does an extraordinarily good job of that.
21:40She sort of very cleverly uses a tongue to create a vacuum, so it's quite good.
21:45But look, if these people have burnt down a warehouse to the ground,
21:48I think we can safely say they are arsonists.
21:51And I know I'm generalising, but arsonists do set fire to things.
21:55So, given that, what would you, quite justifiably, I think, say to those arsonists?
22:01Well, I would probably use fairly strong words, um...
22:05Would you be shouting those words?
22:07I may raise my voice a little, yes.
22:09Right, so aside from screaming abuse at them in a blind rage,
22:13what would you do if you got your hands on these ratbag arsonists?
22:18I can only repeat that there's nothing for us to indicate that it would be arson.
22:22Yes, but assuming it is, if you got your hands on...
22:25Look, obviously I'd be very upset, all right?
22:26Well, look, wouldn't you just kick the crap out of them?
22:28No, I don't think I would.
22:29Well, I think you would, love.
22:32Thanks, actually, mate.
22:33An angry and incensed fire chief there,
22:36with some harsh words and threats of physical violence for those arsonists.
22:41Well, that's it from the news set.
22:42Our next bulletin is at 10.30,
22:44and is exactly the same one as this one,
22:47except that it's read by a woman.
22:49Our thinking is that your news dad gives you a stern talking to
22:53when you get home at six,
22:54and your news mum puts you to bed and tucks you in.
22:58Stay with us now for our current affairs show,
23:00and its exclusive story on the dangers of nut oils in beauty products.
23:05Your whole family will die if you don't watch this programme.
23:08Good night.
23:30Bloody Ram Riders.
23:34Keep, no, keep your eyes closed, all right?
23:37Careful.
23:37I hate when you do this.
23:39No, just don't open them.
23:40Not yet.
23:40Not yet.
23:41Around here.
23:42That's it.
23:43Okay.
23:43All right.
23:43All right.
23:44All right.
23:44All right.
23:44Okay.
23:44Don't open them.
23:45I won't.
23:45I won't.
23:45Don't open them.
23:46I won't.
23:46I won't.
23:47Open your eyes.
23:49Voila.
23:50What is it?
23:52That, darling, is the very latest in state-of-the-art proactive home security.
23:58That is the pit bull of anti-theft devices.
24:01Tina, I want you to meet Bodyguard Barry.
24:12What the hell is a Bodyguard Barry?
24:15Well, it's an inflatable anti-theft device.
24:17It's a piece of crap you picked up at the pub.
24:20No, it's an inflatable anti-theft device, darling.
24:23Where did you get it?
24:24At the pub.
24:25Exactly.
24:26This weekend, while we're at your mother's, Barry's going to be here holding down the Ford.
24:30Yeah?
24:31All you've got to do is blow him up, switch him on, bung him in the window.
24:34Voila.
24:35No more burglars.
24:36What are they going to do?
24:37Laugh themselves to death?
24:38Well, you can laugh, Tina.
24:40Laugh all you like.
24:40But Barry is equipped with 87 separate combat positions.
24:44He's got 14 lifelike plastic model weapons that he uses.
24:48And he's also got a German-designed, state-of-the-art, movement-activated voice box.
24:52You know?
24:52I mean, look, just watch this.
24:54Watch this.
24:56Hang on, one minute.
25:02This is going to take all night.
25:03Here you go.
25:04Oh, great idea.
25:10That's it.
25:11Oh, wait, wait, wait.
25:18Here we go, here we go, here we go.
25:20Okay, 21.
25:22That's it.
25:22Oh, good.
25:30Wow.
25:31That's fantastic.
25:33What does he do?
25:34Let's have a look.
25:36Uh, defensive position.
25:40Gee, uh, offensive position.
25:47And moonlight attack position.
25:54What about his voice box thingy?
25:55Oh, it's supposed to be activated with an infrared ray from his eyes.
25:58Wave your hand in front of his face.
25:59Okay.
26:00Step away from the fence, intruder.
26:04Step away from the fence, intruder.
26:06Give me a go.
26:07I am Barry.
26:08I am hard.
26:10I will kill you, you mother...
26:13Murder, death, destruction.
26:15Oh, the horror, the horror, the horror.
26:17Oh, it's okay.
26:19He plugs into the wall.
26:20Oh, okay.
26:20He plugs into the wall.
26:21It's all right.
26:25Isn't that fantastic?
26:27I mean, 20 bucks from a bloke at the pub, we're never going to be robbed again.
26:29Well, you know, I had my doubts, but you've got to convince me.
26:32Let's get him in the window.
26:32Okay.
26:33Come on.
26:36There you go.
26:37All right.
26:38Well, let's go and have a drink.
26:39Oh, I'll get my purse.
26:39Oh, no, my shower.
26:40Oh, great.
26:41All right, Barry.
26:42Barry, you take care of the house while we're away.
26:51Some people are so gullible.
27:35Get your hands off me drink, you tool.
27:54Hi, welcome back to the new Price is Right.
27:57This is a little game that we call Grocery Golf.
28:01As you can see, we're on the putting green.
28:04And over here, we have five grocery items.
28:07All our contestant has to do is guess the price of each item.
28:12For every cent that the contestant is of, the correct price,
28:15we move the ball back one centimetre.
28:19By the end of the game, all he has to do is putt his ball into the hole
28:23to win this fabulous BMW.
28:36In addition, they could win this superb dishwasher.
28:42And another superb prize, the entire Encyclopedia Britannica on CD-ROM.
28:51Fantastic.
28:52And joining me now is our special celebrity player,
28:55Federal Treasurer, Peter Costello.
29:00Evening, Mr. Costello.
29:01Evening, Larry.
29:02Some critics reckon politicians are a bit out of touch
29:05with the price of everyday ordinary consumer items.
29:08Oh, Larry, that's just plain gobbly-gook.
29:10I'm as ordinary as the next bloke.
29:11OK, well, let's start you off with the first item,
29:14which is a one-litre carton of milk.
29:21How much do you think that costs?
29:24Seven cents.
29:25Seven cents?
29:26Yeah, that's the figure we used in calculating the family allowance
29:29in our most recent budget.
29:31Well, let's check that out, Peter.
29:36Oh, bad luck.
29:38That's a fair bit more than you guessed.
29:40Yeah, well, obviously it's a special milk, Larry.
29:43No, no, it isn't.
29:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:45Probably from some rare marsupial or something, isn't it?
29:48Wrong again.
29:48You've got someone to squat down for 20 hours
29:50and milk a platypus.
29:52It's cow's milk, Peter.
29:53Yeah, is it flavoured?
29:54Well, flavoured milk only costs a few cents more.
29:56Not if it's flavoured with cocaine.
29:57Sorry?
29:58Is it a big cocaine M?
29:59No, it's plain, ordinary, unflavoured cow's milk.
30:03So you were $1.38 off.
30:05That means your ball is moved back
30:08138 centimetres away from the hole.
30:15Thanks, Stevie and Andrew.
30:18OK, moving on to our next item.
30:19It's a loaf of bread.
30:21How much does it cost, Peter?
30:23No, no, no, no.
30:24You're not going to trick me this time, Larry.
30:27Is there anything unusual about that bread?
30:30No, it's an ordinary loaf of multigrain bread.
30:32Wheat, rye.
30:33Diamonds?
30:34As far as I know, no diamonds in that loaf.
30:37Hasn't been autographed by Elvis Presley.
30:38Elvis Presley has not touched so much
30:40as a slice of that loaf of bread.
30:43Seven cents.
30:54Hi.
30:55Each year, Full Frontal gets literally thousands of letters from viewers
30:58and, of course, we just love to burn them.
31:01The letters, not the viewers.
31:03No, but seriously, your letters mean a lot to us
31:06and here's a selection which made us chuckle.
31:09Dear Full Frontal,
31:09I understand that the ratings of Ellen went up in the US
31:12after Ellen DeGeneres came out as a lesbian.
31:15In order to boost your own ratings,
31:16I would be prepared to come out as a lesbian
31:18on your program for $1,000.
31:21Regards, Mr. Darren Hinch.
31:24Thanks, Darren.
31:25How kind.
31:27Dear Full Frontal,
31:28my father will not let me watch your show
31:30because he says you swear too much
31:32and it might prove a bad influence on me.
31:35The fat old bastard bloody hell he shits me.
31:37Regards, Tina, age three.
31:40Sorry to hear that, Tina,
31:42but here's a letter especially for your father.
31:44Dear Full Frontal,
31:45I am prepared to come out as a lesbian on your program
31:48for $7.50.
31:49Regards, Tony Barber.
31:51Thanks, Tony, but no.
31:54Yeah, Dear Full Frontal,
31:55would you like coke with that
31:56or would you prefer a drink?
31:59Regards, Dougie the Pizza Hut Boy.
32:02Thanks, and enjoy your trip, Dougie.
32:04Now, Dear Full Frontal,
32:05if you want someone really funny on your program,
32:07why don't you get Mark Taylor?
32:08He's a real pisser.
32:11Regards, Shane Warne.
32:13Thanks, Shane.
32:14We did try to get on to Mark,
32:16but he was out.
32:17Here's another.
32:19Dear Full Frontal,
32:20Black and White magazine recently published an issue
32:22full of nude pictures of rock stars.
32:24This is disgusting.
32:25Why aren't we in it?
32:27Regards, The Seekers.
32:29Thanks, all four of you.
32:31But remember, you're called The Seekers,
32:33not The Streakers.
32:34But let's move on.
32:36Dear Full Frontal,
32:37hey, I've got a joke for you.
32:38What do Rolf Harris and Coles Meyer have in common?
32:41They've both got wobbly boards.
32:43Regards, Brian Quinn doing porridge.
32:47Thanks, Brian.
32:48We're sending you a cake with a file in it
32:50so you can renovate your cell.
32:52Dear Full Frontal,
32:53Black and White magazine wouldn't let me pose nude
32:55because of my horn.
32:57Regards, James Morrison.
32:59That's our first horn joke for the year.
33:01Congratulations, everyone.
33:04Dear Full Frontal,
33:05I'll pose nude for anyone.
33:06For $3.
33:07Regards, Tony Barber.
33:09Tony?
33:10No.
33:11Ah.
33:13OK, I think that's enough for now.
33:14Remember, if you want to write to us,
33:16here's the address.
33:181998 Logie Awards,
33:19Care of TV Week,
33:2037 to 49 Browns Road,
33:22Clayton, Victoria, 3168.
33:24See ya.
33:31Welcome back.
33:32OK, Peter, how do you think you're going?
33:37Yeah, yeah, I'm doing pretty well, Larry, pretty well.
33:40Those eggs,
33:40they were a bit pricey than you thought, weren't they?
33:42Yeah, you should have told me
33:43there were 12 in the box.
33:44I said a dozen.
33:46Yeah, that could mean anything.
33:48OK, moving right along to the next item.
33:50They were platypus eggs, weren't they?
33:52They were chug.
33:53Oh, well, I do think you could have
33:54spelt that one out, Larry.
33:56Well, we're going to have to move on
33:57because time is money.
33:59As you know, these television shows
34:00cost a substantial amount to make.
34:02Seven cents.
34:03You're getting warmer.
34:06Tom, the Bentley Fox.
34:09Sorry, what the hell's going on here?
34:11Hmm?
34:13Eh?
34:15I just said, what's going on here?
34:18I mean, I come in here
34:19expecting to find you working
34:21and what do I see?
34:22Are you working?
34:22No.
34:24You are sitting on your big fat arse
34:27doing bugger all.
34:29I mean, I'm terribly sorry,
34:31but I thought that you did a hard day's work
34:33and you got your rewards.
34:36You toiled for your success.
34:38But no, no, not for you people.
34:39You're afraid to get your hands dirty.
34:42You are afraid of a hard day's slog
34:45for a hard day's pay.
34:47Well, I'm afraid that you make me
34:49stick to the guts.
34:58That work experience guy has got to go.
35:04Well, Peter's having a real run of bad luck today.
35:07Peter, are you ready to guess the price
35:09of the final grocery item?
35:19OK, red, red, red, ready when you are, Larry.
35:22It's five tonnes of Victorian apples.
35:26Seven cents?
35:27Is correct!
35:41Peter Costello, you've got a chance
35:43to win a brand new BMW
35:44if you can hit a hole in one.
35:47You know, I prefer to guess the price
35:48of the BMW, Larry.
35:49That's not part of the game, Peter.
35:51Yeah, but I know that one.
35:52Someone told me.
35:52Go on, let me.
35:53Please?
35:54Please, Larry?
35:54Please?
35:55OK, how much is the BMW?
35:58Nothing.
35:59Who told you that?
36:00Felicity Kennett.
36:11Yeah, and it was all over
36:12and thank your hairdresser
36:13for the furniture.
36:14Yeah, yeah, good point.
36:15OK, well, with Dippers
36:16still trying to find the ground,
36:18documentary filmmaker
36:19and art critic Philip Quist
36:20is filling in once again
36:21and he's down in the rooms now
36:23with one very relieved
36:24Tony Groves.
36:26How are you going, Stuart?
36:28Thanks, Maxie.
36:36Well, Anthony,
36:37a one-point victory
36:38achieved by your goal
36:39after the siren.
36:40Apparently, this is an exciting thing
36:41for the rest of your team.
36:43Absolutely fantastic, mate, yeah.
36:44Philip.
36:45Philip, yeah, mate.
36:46You know, it's what
36:47every kid dreams of, yeah.
36:49Yes, I don't remember
36:49having that dream myself.
36:50Never mind.
36:53Now, Anthony,
36:53I know I'm going to
36:54regret asking this
36:55but what was going through
36:56which, for want of a better term,
36:57we call your mind
36:58when you were preparing
36:59to take that final kick?
37:01Mate, I don't think
37:01anything was going through
37:02my mind at all, actually.
37:10Yes, I'm satisfied
37:11with that answer.
37:12Now, apparently,
37:13Greg Plum
37:14performed with
37:15Gusto and Verve today.
37:16Mate, Plum, he's unreal.
37:17You know,
37:17bloke's a legend.
37:18He's been on fire
37:19and, you know,
37:19he must have got more
37:20than 30 possessions today, yeah.
37:22Sorry, 30 possessions?
37:23What, was he taking over
37:24by some sort of demon,
37:25was he?
37:28No, you know,
37:29possessions, kicks,
37:30handballs, yeah.
37:31But surely, Anthony,
37:32surely kicking
37:34and handballing
37:34is disposing of the ball.
37:35It's actually the opposite
37:36of possessing, isn't it?
37:37Isn't it curious?
37:39Well, yeah.
37:41Yeah, I don't know, mate,
37:42but the bloke's just on fire,
37:43you know,
37:43and it all goes well
37:45for the finals.
37:51It what?
37:55It all goes well
37:55for the finals?
37:58I really hate that.
37:59It's not all goes well,
38:01it's augers.
38:02It's augers well.
38:05Auger.
38:06A-U-G-U-R.
38:08It augers well.
38:09It's like a portent
38:10or an omen.
38:11The ancient Egyptians
38:11would often cut open chickens
38:13and read the offal.
38:15Read the augeries.
38:16It's an omen.
38:16You know what an omen is?
38:18Yeah, the movie.
38:20Yes, that's right.
38:21Yes, it's the movie, yes.
38:22It should have been called
38:23All Goes Well,
38:24but they didn't have
38:24the rights, apparently.
38:26Might as well give these people
38:27their own dialect.
38:30Now, finally,
38:30you seem to follow
38:31the opposition captain
38:32around all day today.
38:33Why was that?
38:34Do you share a common
38:35interest?
38:36Are you attracted to the man?
38:36What's going on there?
38:37Do tell.
38:38We're all illy.
38:39No, no,
38:40I was tagging him, mate.
38:42Tagging him?
38:42What language are you using?
38:43What does that mean?
38:44What does tag mean?
38:45Do tell.
38:45I was following him around
38:47so that, you know,
38:48try and stop him
38:49from getting the ball?
38:50Well, that's a bit unfair,
38:51isn't it?
38:51I mean, hasn't he got
38:52a right to the ball
38:52like everybody else?
38:55I think he could take it
38:56to the Human Rights Commission.
38:57I mean,
38:58if everybody did what you did,
38:59no one would get the ball
39:00during the match.
39:00What would be the point
39:01of playing the game,
39:02assuming there is a point
39:03in the first place?
39:03Do tell.
39:06Mate, look,
39:06I don't know.
39:07I'm just doing what I'm told,
39:08you know?
39:09Yes, Goebbels
39:10could have used
39:11that defence,
39:11couldn't he?
39:14What'd he do?
39:17Well, he was partly
39:18responsible for the slaughter
39:19of millions of innocent people.
39:22Yeah, well, mate,
39:22you know,
39:23I can't comment
39:24on tribunal matters.
39:30Go away.
39:32Well, that's enough of that.
39:34Anthony Groves there,
39:34he kicked the winning goal,
39:35he mangled the Queen's English
39:36and crushed the free expression
39:38of the human spirit
39:38under the jackboot of fascism.
39:40Back to you.
39:41I thank you.
39:49Hi, and welcome to Concentration,
39:50the game of memory and skill.
39:52You've been watching the show
39:53for about 30 years,
39:54so you know the rules.
39:55Let's meet tonight's
39:56first contestant.
39:57Thanks, Mike.
39:58Our first contestant
39:59is Alexander Downer,
40:00Federal Minister
40:00for Foreign Affairs.
40:03Welcome, Alexander.
40:04Hello, Mike.
40:05So, you're the Federal Minister
40:06for Foreign Affairs.
40:07Yes, I am.
40:08And what is it you do exactly?
40:10I beg your pardon?
40:12Well, could you just give us
40:13a rough idea
40:13of what the job involves?
40:14Well, I'm the Federal Minister
40:16for Foreign Affairs.
40:19And what exactly is it
40:20that you do?
40:21Um, I have to wear a suit.
40:23Well, me too.
40:24I travel on planes a lot.
40:26So do I.
40:27And, um,
40:28I get to meet lots
40:29and lots of people.
40:31Well, snap.
40:32You know, Alexander,
40:32it sounds like you and I
40:33have very similar jobs.
40:34Oh, come now, Mark.
40:35I think one of them
40:36is rather more difficult
40:37than the other.
40:38In what way?
40:39Well, you have to know
40:39how to count to 25.
40:48The boss was so impressed with me,
40:50he put me in charge
40:50of the Resource Analysis Committee,
40:52or as we in the industry
40:54call it, the RAC.
40:55The RAC.
40:56Yeah, that's right.
40:57And from there,
40:58I became our representative
40:59on the Company Cooperation Project.
41:02Uh-huh.
41:03Or a co-co-rep,
41:04as we're called in the industry.
41:05Uh-huh.
41:08Oh, looking for one of these?
41:10Ah, yes.
41:13Yeah, that's what we
41:14in the industry call a spoon.
41:17Yes, we outside the industry
41:19call it a spoon, too.
41:21Really?
41:22Yeah, isn't that funny?
41:23You know, our industry
41:24is so well-respected
41:25that most of our specialist terms
41:27end up being used
41:28by the general
41:28English-speaking public,
41:29or the GESP,
41:31or GESP,
41:32as we call it in the industry.
41:33I do call it in the industry, yes.
41:34Well, I think spoons
41:35have been around for a while.
41:37What industry are you in?
41:39Compact discs.
41:41Yeah, we often use spoons
41:43to stir what we call
41:45in the industry our drinks.
41:47That's what these things are here.
41:49Yeah, well,
41:50outside the industry,
41:51we call people like you
41:52wankers.
41:55Yeah, that's what they call
41:56me in the industry, too.
42:14BEEP
42:15BEEP
42:16BEEP
42:17BEEP
42:17BEEP
42:19BEEP
42:19BEEP
42:20BEEP
42:20BEEP
42:21BEEP
42:21BEEP
42:21BEEP
42:22BEEP
42:22BEEP
42:24BEEP
42:24BEEP
42:24BEEP
42:27BEEP
42:28BEEP
42:33BEEP
42:34Ivory and ivory
42:36We want no cultural diversity
42:39Eat white bread, breakfast, squash and tea
42:43Just like me, woo-hoo!
42:45Ivory and ivory
42:47We want no cultural diversity
42:49Eat white bread, breakfast, lunch and tea
42:56Ivory and ivory
42:58We want no cultural diversity
43:00Eat white bread, breakfast, lunch and tea
43:04BEEP
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