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00:00I
00:48One of the surprise growth industries of the 90s has been clairvoyancy, with big business
00:54and public leaders turning to astrology to forecast their futures, the dingy back rooms
00:59with a small table and crystal ball have been replaced by expensive office suites and computers.
01:06Alan Grin has been an astrologer and clairvoyant for 15 years.
01:11His ability to accurately predict the future has made him a very wealthy man, demanding
01:15in excess of $500 an hour for a consultation.
01:20When businesses want to know what the market is going to do in the next 12 months, they
01:24ask Alan Grin.
01:25When politicians want to know what the big issues in the electorate will be in a year's
01:29time, once again, they come with that little grin.
01:33Mr. Grin says his ability to see into the future is a skill which, like any other, has required
01:40plenty of practice to hone to its present level.
01:43Unlike his clients, however, Mr. Grin says he would sometimes prefer not to know what
01:48lies ahead of him.
01:50Yeah.
01:51Yeah, sure.
01:51I get tired of it.
01:52You know, it does take away life's little surprises.
01:55You know what I mean?
01:56Yes.
01:57Now, have you ever thought that...
01:58Sorry.
01:59Sorry.
01:59Can we move tables, please?
02:01Sorry.
02:01I'm just getting a bad vibe from over there and this is a much more peaceful area.
02:05Yeah.
02:06That's good.
02:06Please go on.
02:08Now, did you ever think that when you started this career that you'd ever be this successful?
02:12No, no, no, no.
02:13It never occurred to me.
02:15Well, um, shouldn't it have?
02:17Well, you...
02:25Excuse me, just a moment.
02:37Hello, Australia, I'm Victoria but you'd know me better as Posh Spice from the Spice
02:42Girls coming to you live from London.
02:44And for all you Spice fans, we'll be coming dine under and playing live very soon.
02:49And remember you're watching our favourite music show, Video Smash Hits.
02:56Sorry, Posh.
02:57You stupid git.
02:59You stupid, stupid git.
03:01It's Video Hits.
03:03Video Hits.
03:04I told you to read the script.
03:06Go on, get out of it.
03:07Go on.
03:08Get out.
03:13Hi, I'm Cathy Scanlon.
03:15You might remember me from my best-filling video on self-defence.
03:22Well, it may stun you to know that I have had sex with more than 5,000 men.
03:28And that was just last week.
03:30How do I do it?
03:31By adapting the methods employed in my self-defence video.
03:34Which is why I'm proud to launch my brand new video, Cathy Scanlon's Art of Seduction.
03:44Finding true love is just like looking for a needle in a haystack.
03:47If you're not careful, you could end up with a nasty prick.
03:50By using some of these basic romantic techniques invented by me, you'll be in the sack and flat on your
03:57back in no time.
03:59Rule number one.
04:00You can make any man fall in love with you if you give him the right signals.
04:07You can make any man fall in love with you.
04:30Talk to me.
04:39That was a fun, easy way to make new friends and meet interesting people.
04:45The chat call.
04:50Talk to me.
05:10Call the chat club now and talk to people who are paid not to laugh at your tedious drivel.
05:16Calls charge at 75 cents a minute.
05:18Except Sarah, who charges 350,000 a minute.
05:30Good evening, I'm Joan Boone. Welcome to Nightline.
05:33So nice to be here at the Channel 9 studios after everyone else has gone home,
05:38just so I can introduce a whole bunch of stories which you all saw four and a half hours ago.
05:43Not.
05:46Tonight's stories.
05:48Call to block new uranium mines.
05:50Fire breaks out at a chemical factory.
05:52Blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah.
05:54It's in it already.
05:55Oh.
05:57News just ahead.
05:59Channel 7 called.
06:00They want to borrow your hair cause agro's going on holiday.
06:07Okay, whoever wrote this is dead.
06:10Rule two.
06:11You can make any man hot for you by using words which have sexual connotation in your everyday dialogue.
06:17But make sure you do it with subtilly.
06:30Excuse me.
06:32Do you often travel on this route?
06:42Once again, Cupid's arrow pierces the most unyielding date.
06:47But your appearance and dialogue are only two weapons in your armory of amour.
06:54Rule three.
06:54Love smells.
06:56Men simply can't resist a woman whose aroma promises all the sensual pleasures of the Orient.
07:02And I'm not talking about dimsons.
07:05I'm talking about catecline.
07:34The story you have just witnessed just goes to show that these two people have
07:38you are not safe, even in your own home. That's right. Chances are that as you sit in your lounge
07:44room, watching your television, a man with a machete will creep up behind you and kill you.
07:52He's probably right behind you now. If not, he'll be hiding under your bed.
07:59If I were you, I'd be shitting myself. Back with more AMW after this break.
08:08That's the way it's been going, Sally.
08:09I think so.
08:11Oh, there's your dad.
08:15You should get yourself a trendy dad. Yeah?
08:19New trendy dad comes with vests, jeans and Nikes and optional papoose, baby extra.
08:28He'll work at fakes. He'll go skateboarding with you.
08:32And we'll know what about today's music, the silver chair.
08:37They're great.
08:39Trendy Dad. Also available, Valium Mum.
08:44Get yourself a trendy dad.
08:52Fasten your seatbelts, boys. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
08:57Men just love it and a sense of humour.
09:01Once you have them rolling in the aisles, it's just a matter of time before you have them rolling in
09:06the cot.
09:16Hey, big boy. Got a cigarette?
09:26Look at me on Dracula.
09:29I think we all know what he was after.
09:33These are just four of the six techniques demonstrated by my wonderful video.
09:37Send away today.
09:39And you need never higher expensive male escorts again.
09:43Although, if you do want an expensive male escort, my stepfather, Warren, will be happy to oblige.
09:55Kathy Scanlon's utter seduction.
09:58Thanks to my new video, now you can get a man with just the touch of a knob.
10:08Gina Boone here again, and if I catch anyone else making stupid jokes about my hair, I'll take a five
10:14iron to their kneecaps.
10:15Coming up in tonight's stories, a daring police rescue is three fishermen are stranded on rocks near Apollo Bay.
10:21Phone companies deny overcharging for international phone calls, and work commences on the much-awaited Star Wars prequel featuring Gina
10:30Boone's hair as Chewbacca the Wookiee.
10:34All right, who wrote that on the autocue?
10:37Everyone.
10:45Race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race, race.
10:50Shut up!
11:00There are so many bags in the world, and only one or two will last.
11:04So you better make a buck while you can
11:07And then get out real fast
11:11And get out real fast
11:13You may think we're far too young
11:15And our songs are really dumb
11:16But we still make a lot more sense
11:19When you compare us to our mom
11:22But we still love to come to
11:26Mom's shop
11:26Do-bop-a-do-bop
11:28Mom's shop
11:28Ba-bop-a-do-bop
11:30Mom's shop
11:31Do-bop-a-do-bop
11:32Mom's shop
11:33Do-bop-a-boo-goo
11:38In Mom's shop
11:39You can get almost anything you want
11:42Except the facts
11:43Or truth
11:44Or compassion
11:44Or mercy
11:45Or understanding
11:46Or dignity
11:47Yeah, yeah, yeah
11:50Mom's shop
11:51Do-bop-a-do-bop
11:52Mom's shop
11:53Ba-bop-a-do-bop
11:55Mom's shop
11:55Do-bop-a-do-bop
11:57Mom's shop
11:57Do-bop-a-boo-goo
12:02Poison's wine
12:03Mom's shop
12:04Do-bop-a-do-bop
12:05Mom's shop
12:06Ba-bop-a-do-bop
12:07Mom's shop
12:08Do-bop-a-do-bop
12:09Mom's shop
12:10Do-bop-a-boo-goo
12:14Poison's wine
12:15Mom's shop
12:16Do-bop-a-do-you-won't-see-a-what
12:18Do-bop-a-do-my-career shop
12:20Do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop
12:27-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do
12:31-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a
12:35-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop
12:37-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop-a-do-bop
12:55Hello, and welcome to Foreign Correspondent.
12:59I'm Alexander Downer, and I'm...
13:05Foreign Minister of Australia. Thank you.
13:11Unfortunately, the regular host of the show, George Nagus,
13:15was captured by a tribe of Central African pygmies,
13:17who now worship his moustache as their god.
13:22So, with my vast knowledge of international affairs,
13:26I've been asked to fill in for George.
13:28So, tonight, we visit the Malaysian city of...
13:33Ku...
13:34a la...
13:36Lumpur.
13:39Rory Dufferci reports from the Chinese capital of Bi-Ijing.
13:44And, finally, a fascinating report from a popular holiday destination in Thailand.
13:52The beautiful place known as...
13:55Oh, I can't say that.
14:00Oh, P-H-U-K-E-T.
14:05Oh, that's so rude, isn't it?
14:11Oh, you're watching Video Smash, his eyes, Mikey G.
14:15I'm man, I'm bad, I kick your ass, Dad.
14:18Yo, yo, ho, what's happening, mofo?
14:20I'm Jimbo, the snowbo, Jobo, homo, bo-bo.
14:24Diggy old doggie says, yo, yo-ba-danga, ho-ba-anga-langa.
14:29How's it coming at you, action man on the G.R. Joe?
14:32Yo, talking to me, I blow you no way, you no ho, Mama.
14:35And I'm Barry, and together we're...
14:38The Water Catholic Boys Choir.
14:54Welcome to the programme.
14:56Khan's greatest accolade, The Palm of Palms,
14:59was this year awarded to veteran Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman,
15:03whose catalogue of cinematic masterpieces
15:04continue to enchant generations of movie audiences.
15:07One man whose film Watch Out, My Head's Come Off
15:11failed to win any awards at all at Khan this year.
15:14Here's my guest tonight, Nobby Doldrums.
15:18Howdy, Kerry!
15:24Nobby Doldrums, according to your press release,
15:27which is written in what appears to be brown texter,
15:30your film runs eight seconds, has no sound,
15:33and wasn't even entered at Khan.
15:36That's right, Kerry!
15:37Are you surprised that your work has been ignored
15:39by the film community?
15:41Oh, surprise, no.
15:42And the world of international cinema
15:44is a fiercely competitive one, Kerry.
15:45Many are jealous of my talent.
15:47Are they?
15:48Yes, indeed.
15:49They hate me, Kerry,
15:50for my haunting use of light and shade,
15:52my bold montage,
15:54and my cavalier disdain of Hollywood.
15:56Well, see, I hate you for completely different reasons.
15:59Very kind of you, Kerry,
16:01but let me talk you through this scene from my film.
16:03I think you'll see what I mean.
16:05OK.
16:05OK.
16:06Go through it, then.
16:10There's a man and...
16:12Oh, that's the end.
16:15That was a clip from the film, wasn't it?
16:17Yes, that's right.
16:18There's another second and a quarter,
16:19but I held that back.
16:20OK.
16:21Well, we'll just run through it with us.
16:23Explain it.
16:23Well, Kerry, this film is an allegory.
16:26A what?
16:29An alligator.
16:32Now, I'll tell you what it is.
16:33Because it's a crappy stick man...
16:35Yes.
16:35..who just stands there...
16:36Yes.
16:37..and does nothing.
16:37Yes.
16:38Yes, Kerry, that's the long view,
16:40but I don't think you've seen the whole film
16:42because you haven't seen that second and a quarter
16:43that I held back.
16:45Well, does he do anything in that second and a quarter?
16:50No.
16:51Yeah.
16:52Why on earth is it called
16:53Watch Out, My Head's Come Off?
16:57It's irony.
17:00And I'll be leaving aside the lack of content
17:02or actors or meaning of any kind.
17:04Don't you think that the judges at Cannes
17:05might be justified in ignoring your entry
17:07given that it's not actually a film?
17:09Well, only according to the dictionary definition, Kerry.
17:11Well, what definition should we be using?
17:13Well, I think we should use this one.
17:15Nobby Doldrum's incorrect use of the English language.
17:18May I?
17:19Certainly, please.
17:20Page 15, if you please.
17:22Film.
17:23An eight-second flicker book
17:25featuring a stick man who remains stationary.
17:28No, no, that won't, Kerry.
17:29This one here.
17:29Here we are.
17:30Ant.
17:31A catch-safe vegetable
17:32that can impersonate buildings.
17:36Well, Nobby, my apologies.
17:38The palm of palms is rightfully yours.
17:41Thank you very much, Kevin.
17:42I'm sure it'll be delicious.
17:43Nobby Doldrums, I hate you terrifically.
17:59This small private hospital in a remote corner of New South Wales
18:02is home to four people who suffer from an extremely rare
18:06and debilitating physical condition.
18:07They are the only known sufferers of the disease Infantus Ambulatus.
18:13They are better known as the Baby Walkers.
18:18These intelligent, eloquent young professionals
18:20are bravely battling a humiliating condition
18:23that leaves them walking like babies.
18:26Peter, what exactly is Baby Walker's disease?
18:29Well, the problem is that we've never been able to develop from the waist down.
18:33It must be extremely hard to come to terms with.
18:36Yeah, well, you know, you have your good days.
18:38You have your bad days.
18:39The only thing is,
18:40you've just got to really forget about it and get on with your life.
18:43Well, we don't want sympathy.
18:44We want respect.
18:48Brian, his real name,
18:49has not let his disability impede his legal career.
18:52It was clearly lodged approximately half an hour after my client's...
18:59After my client's mortgage was discharged.
19:02My client's mortgage...
19:05Excuse me.
19:06It was clearly bona fide, he said.
19:09Sadly, Lee and Peter failed to cope with their disabilities
19:12as well as the others.
19:13After an unsuccessful stint in Tibet as Sherpas,
19:16they returned to Australia broke and desperate.
19:19It was no surprise when they turned to crime.
19:23Come on, quick, go, Monty!
19:25This way, Peter!
19:26This way, this way!
19:30Lee and Peter are now serving five years
19:32in a maximum security playpen.
19:46Gina Boone here again.
19:47Let's see them laugh at my hair now.
19:50Thank you, Peter!
19:51Thank you, Peter!
20:04Take care of the monkey!
20:07Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
20:13Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:21-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:22-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:23-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:24-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:25-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
20:35And ahead in tonight's news, Senator Mel Colston to block the passage of work for the doll legislation by standing
20:41in front of it.
20:44A speech therapist is tonight helping police with their inquiries.
20:48And dogs vomit. Could it be a cure for baldness?
20:53No, but I'd sure like to see some bald guy rub it into his head.
20:59But folks, the news.
21:01Well, there were no chairlifts operating and there wasn't a snowflake in sight, as hundreds of disappointed and rather simple
21:08snow-skiing enthusiasts turned up in Darwin last weekend.
21:14Well, Melbourne detectives are investigating the theft of a police identikit from a local police station.
21:19Police say they're looking for a thief with 230 eyes, 300 ears and 1,000 noses.
21:25Well, model Geri Hall says she's thrilled with the news that she and husband Mick Jagger are to have another
21:31child.
21:32Miss Hall says with Jagger shagging everything in sight, he was bound to get around to her eventually.
21:40And former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman is said to be interested in dating the baby if it's a girl.
21:46Well, turning to finance news now, and while Australian markets have been settled, the London FT index was down after
21:53taking something it shouldn't have at a rave party.
21:56The hangsten was closed for a friend's birthday.
21:59And Wall Street was up overnight, causing no end of concern to the Nikai Dow, who was trying to get
22:04some sleep and really wasn't in the mood anyway.
22:08Well, Tim Fisher says continued speculation about the leadership of the National Party doesn't worry him in the slightest.
22:14Mr Fisher did, however, change his tune somewhat when it was pointed out to him that he, in fact, was
22:19supposed to be the leader.
22:22Well, they say you should never talk about politics or religion.
22:28Well, despite protestations by lobby groups in the Catholic Church,
22:32the Vatican has reinforced its stance against the ordination of women priests.
22:36And now joining me is Father Stephen Kittlesbridge, representing the Vatican.
22:40Father, why shouldn't women be allowed to become priests?
22:43Well, it's not a sexist thing, all right.
22:45I think I should establish that very firmly at the beginning,
22:47despite the fact that being a priest does involve a fair bit of reverse parking.
22:51But that is not the issue at all, Ian.
22:53OK.
22:54OK, so what is the reason?
22:56Well, it's simply that whenever you employ a woman, and let's face it, Ian, by this time we've given the
23:00broad seven years' training,
23:02there's every chance she's going to disappear off and have babies.
23:05Yes, but I would have thought that that would have been less likely in your sort of work.
23:10Why's that?
23:13Well, you know, because of the vows of chastity.
23:16No, I'm sorry, you've lost me.
23:18Well, the vows you take that say priests aren't allowed to have sex.
23:29I don't know where you hear these things, Ian, but that's a new one on me.
23:33When I tell the boys back at the seminary, that'll be a bit of a surprise for them, too.
23:37Oh, that's priceless.
23:39It is a fundamental church teaching, it's been so, for 2,000 years.
23:43I don't think so, Ian.
23:45I think it has.
23:45I think not.
23:46I'm sure of it.
23:48Look, Ian, who exactly is the priest here, anyway?
23:51Well, on the basis of which one of us is celibate, I'd say to be me.
24:14You know, there's nothing more disheartening than returning to your car only to discover that your club lock has been
24:20stolen.
24:22But it doesn't have to be this way.
24:24Not with the club for the club.
24:27The club for the club is just like your normal club lock, only it's another one.
24:31And if you're after even added security, protect your car with the club for the club for the club.
24:37At just $79.99, you can afford to buy more than one.
24:43The club for the club is available now at Locks R Us, The Clubby House, Ray Security City, Whistles and
24:47Things, Sports Girl.
24:49For the next two weeks, I'll be going away on annual leave and not in any way going to an
24:53alcoholic's dry-out clinic.
24:56And sitting in for me for those two weeks is a very good and dear friend of mine.
24:59Please make him welcome now, Mr Milo Kerrigan.
25:26How do you have this crew?
25:28Are you talking to this?
25:30Yes, indeed.
25:31Yes, you do.
25:34Now, Milo, you were the newsreader.
25:38That's good.
25:39Now, Milo, you were the newsreader for two years on Birdsville Station TNT 6.
25:45That's correct.
25:47Yes, I'm going to tell you a story.
25:49It's a bit long, but taking your attention and into it.
25:51It's short, but it's necessary.
25:53I'm a super team.
25:54I'm changing, she was trying.
25:56I said, what?
25:56It's not so long as she became a singer.
25:58Oh, no, she's not.
26:00I'm thinking, I'm pretty.
26:01It's terrible, but she bought me a case.
26:04Oh, my God.
26:05I think it was a sexual person.
26:07I came back and shot into the fireplace.
26:09Oh, that's better.
26:09Well, I said, Bob, it's a super team.
26:12We're going to be driving this evening.
26:13I'm going to shut down.
26:14I think it was two years old.
26:16That's a boy.
26:17I think it was a family rather newspaper.
26:20I thought, my 50-year-old is in a house.
26:23I think it's a conference.
26:24And it's a...
26:25Oh, Rosebud.
26:30That's the story.
26:32It's good.
26:35And in fact, you won the Birdsville Regents Clear Speech Award.
26:38Oh, yes, I did it for you.
26:40I kicked the Navy.
26:41Yes.
26:42And what was the actual award called, Milo?
26:47Roger.
26:53Yes, well, you're definitely a worthy winner.
26:55All right, well, Milo, why don't you take this opportunity to sign off now from the news set tonight
26:59from all of us here at Australian National Nightly Network News.
27:03I've been delighted.
27:04Is there anything you like this?
27:05Yes.
27:06Bik, bik, bik, bik, bik.
27:08Bik, bik, bik, bik, bik.
27:15It's my son!
27:31Okay, Frank, last offer.
27:32Okay?
27:33Listening?
27:34$300,000.
27:35The Brisbane Lions?
27:37Brisbane Lions become the Caramello Koalas for one match only.
27:41They are filled with caramel, but they do not encase themselves in chocolate.
27:45But they do not get eaten by lucky members of the MCG crowd.
27:49Yep.
27:50All right, they can eat Andrew Buse, but only in the first quarter.
27:53Okay, buddy, email me.
27:54Okay.
27:55Ciao, buddy.
27:56Right.
27:57How you doing?
27:58Good.
27:59Rex Moynes, sports agent.
28:01You are Roley Jamison.
28:03Right.
28:03How are you?
28:04Good.
28:05Okay.
28:06You got a product you want advertising?
28:08Yeah, yeah, I make shoelaces.
28:10Hmm.
28:12Very interesting.
28:13What are you thinking of cricket?
28:14You're thinking of basketball?
28:15Thinking of football?
28:17Well, gee, I don't really know.
28:19I mean, they use shoelaces in all those sports, don't they?
28:21That's irrelevant.
28:22What's Hayley Lewis got to do with bananas?
28:25Kathy Freeman and post-packs.
28:27Shane Warne and iron-free chinos.
28:29Nothing.
28:30Oh, I see.
28:31I see.
28:31Well, what would you recommend?
28:32Well, if I wanted to ally my product with sport, I wouldn't worry about the player.
28:36I wouldn't worry about the sport.
28:37It's a question of the cut.
28:39The cut?
28:39Exactly.
28:40Watch this.
28:42See these here?
28:44Legs.
28:46$100,000 a leg.
28:48Very long, very good.
28:49Putting the long words down, Adidas or Schlesinger on the tracksuit pants.
28:52Over here we've got the chest.
28:53$400,000, $450,000, $500,000, depending on the size.
28:56Those fat bastards in rugby often get a lot.
29:0070% of that fee on the back here.
29:02See these?
29:03Tops of the shoulders, prime cut.
29:05$150,000 a pair.
29:07Top of the head, $600,000 a cap.
29:09Gee, well, I suppose that's reasonable, is it?
29:11Yeah, it is.
29:12And it isn't.
29:13How much were you thinking you're spending?
29:1550 bucks.
29:21What about Mark Taylor?
29:37Hello, me again.
29:40Tonight, an exclusive interview with Indu Nesaiya's President Sahati.
29:47Oh, live via satellite, I'll then be talking to the Malaysian Prime Minister,
29:54Do-Kate-Mahat-Haya.
29:57With new hopes for peace in the Middle East,
30:01Rory Dufferci reports from the Gaza Strip
30:04and talks to Israeli Prime Minister...
30:08Ooh.
30:11Benjamini Tanyahu.
30:14And in our postcard this week,
30:17Astrid Welling joins us from the Chinese city of Shangri-Hai
30:21and chats with the Chinese Minister for Manufacturing,
30:26whose name is Bo...
30:30Bo...
30:31Oh, it's Bob.
30:45Um, more thanks, Cheryl.
30:48Hey, secretaries and personal assistants,
30:51if you're getting frustrated at spending half your working day
30:54making tea and coffee for everyone in the building
30:56and never getting the time to get your own work done...
31:00Trudy, can we have some more coffee, please?
31:03Maybe it's time you consider doing something about it.
31:07Like wearing a bloody cafe bar.
31:10I think we should take this time to have a coffee now that it's here.
31:13Good idea.
31:16Yes, wearing a bloody cafe bar saves you hours of time
31:19and reinforces that stereotyped image of being a personal secretary.
31:24Show your boss you understand your true value to him
31:27and wear a bloody cafe bar today.
31:29You might as bloody well.
31:55Roger, I can scarcely believe my ears.
31:58Scarcely believe all the ears you like, Ethel.
32:00The facts are clear.
32:01Buto has been kidnapped.
32:03But who, Roger?
32:04Who?
32:05The moon.
32:07Where is he?
32:08A mystery man.
32:09A gosh-damned mystery man.
32:12Explosion?
32:12What can we do?
32:14Minister, there's only one man or woman alive that can solve this crime
32:18and that man or woman is me and I'm very much alive.
32:21Of course, I'll need your good looks
32:24and I'll need your naval expertise.
32:27We'll do it.
32:28Good.
32:28I'm coming too.
32:30Good.
32:30Then that makes the three musketeers plus an additional one.
32:33Quick to the rocket ship and hurriedly.
32:47A rocket and we're inside it.
32:49Look, Roger.
32:50The moon.
32:52No, Krill.
32:53These foolish earthlings have landed into my trap.
32:56Prepare to laser beam them to death.
32:58Yes, my lady.
33:08It's Krill.
33:14Laser beams are dangerous, Krill, and so are I.
33:17Take this.
33:18Ah!
33:31Look, up on the space wall.
33:33It's Butoh.
33:34He's dead.
33:36Explosion?
33:37I might have known.
33:40David, it's coming from over here.
33:42Ah!
33:43The fields.
33:44So, Butoh's brain.
33:47That's their plan.
33:48Well, this is one person who...
33:52Who isn't going to let their plan get made.
33:55Ah!
33:56Help, Roger.
33:57Unhand me, you brigand.
33:59Not so fast explosion.
34:00I think that brain belongs to me.
34:04You'll get the brain, stranger,
34:05if you release my friends first.
34:08But, Roger...
34:09I know what I'm doing!
34:10Oh, sorry.
34:11I got them running the wrong way.
34:20Just who are you, sir?
34:23Reveal yourself.
34:24Now.
34:26I agree.
34:54Well, Explosion, you certainly lived up to your name.
34:56Yes, I gave them a darn good rogering.
35:12This is a little more fun.
35:29Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
35:35-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
35:35Oh, shh-shh.
35:38Look, PJ's a weird-looking bloke, isn't he?
35:40What do you mean?
35:41Well, his ears stick out a bit.
35:43His expression's sort of strange, too.
35:45Looks like he's got jelly in his trousers.
35:47And he doesn't wear a uniform.
35:49No, he doesn't.
35:49I mean, what gives that?
35:50You know, you can't tell me Mount Thomas needs a plainclothes detective.
35:53It's not like no-one knows who he is or anything.
35:55It's not like he can pass unnoticed in the Mount Thomas criminal underworld.
35:59That's right, yeah. I mean, he's in TV Week every week.
36:02Absolutely. On the cover most weeks.
36:04There's a job with Blue Heelers. It's full of that sort of inaccuracy.
36:06Look at John Wood there. You reckon he'd get a job in a real police force?
36:10Well, you did.
36:12You see this?
36:14It's a pinball.
36:15No, no, no.
36:15It takes years off you. It's good.
36:17I'm giving you one of my looks.
36:18Oh, sorry. OK.
36:19BKC to Cheryl. BKC to Cheryl.
36:23Why do they call you Cheryl? I don't understand that.
36:25Hang on a minute.
36:26You know, look, I reckon Damien Walsh Howling's too short to be a policeman.
36:29Yeah, he's tiny, isn't he?
36:30The man's virtually a dwarf.
36:33Beautifully proportioned, though.
36:34Oh, yeah, yeah. But that's the scenery. They make it to scale.
36:36And the make-up, too. They shade him in a certain way.
36:38Really? The make-up?
36:39Yeah.
36:39Why do they do that to you?
36:40Well, I only got natural glow, but it makes him look sort of normal.
36:44Well, Dash is short, too.
36:46Yeah, yeah, yeah. But her elf and beauty makes up for a lack of height.
36:49You love Dash.
36:50No, I don't.
36:50Yes, you do.
36:51No, I don't.
36:51You do?
36:51I don't.
36:52You do?
36:52I respect her as a brother officer.
36:56Maggie's still number one for me.
36:57And what prey did Maggie look like when she collected her logi?
37:00I thought Harpo Marx had come up on stage.
37:04I thought she looked very nice.
37:05VK C to show.
37:06I told you we're busy, all right?
37:09What's that?
37:10What, you call us every time you get a murder?
37:13Yep, all right.
37:15Okay, we'll be on it.
37:17Okay, thanks for now.
37:19Okay, Farchie, let's go.
37:21Time's a-wasting.
37:21I just pressed those.
37:22That's all right, it's all right.
37:23Yeah, all right.
37:24Evening, madam, how are you?
37:25Excuse me?
37:29You really should get that fixed.
37:30Anyone could come in here.
37:43Hi there, I'm Ruby Wax.
37:46This is my show where we get to meet famous superstars and I talk to them all about their
37:51lives.
37:52Today I'm in the luxurious home of Madonna, surely one of the most influential musical artists
37:58of the 80s and the 80s and the 90s.
38:00So, let's go and be here.
38:01Oh, yes.
38:03Like a virgin.
38:05How's the end?
38:10Hello, Miss Ciccioni.
38:12Hi, Ruby.
38:13Hi.
38:14How you doing?
38:14Gee.
38:16Gee.
38:18So, Madonna, how do you feel about the critical response to your performance in the role Evita?
38:24Well, I guess...
38:25See, because I went to see that movie and I'll be perfectly honest, it gave me a nasty feeling
38:30deep down.
38:33Until I found out what had happened.
38:34See, I was sitting on a chalk top, which someone had left on the seat.
38:38True story.
38:39And then I got this popcorn cord in my throat, so I spent most of the evening breathing in
38:45and out like this.
38:46And this lady behind me thought she was in the wrong cinema and they were playing the
38:50elephant man.
38:51So, she complained to the usher and this guy, in a monkey suit, comes up to me, shines
38:57his torch, and there I am, picking bits of chalk top out of my fanny.
39:02If you could have left.
39:04Can we say fanny?
39:05Is that okay?
39:19Hello there.
39:20You nerds of love, this is Fabio, the most beautiful man in the cyber cosmos, here to
39:26tell you hitherto unknown secrets on the art of seduction.
39:31Come closer.
39:33Closer.
39:35Closer.
39:37Closer.
39:39That's a little too close.
39:42That's better.
39:44Always give a woman what she wants.
39:47Case in point, she came up to me the other day and said,
39:49Oh baby, I want you to make love to me so bad.
39:53So we did.
39:53And I've got to tell you, I was terrible.
40:00Hey, did your mother used to wear those really big bloomer underpants, which looked like
40:05a deceleration parachute that could stop a Boeing 747?
40:08Mine sure did.
40:09Boy, she had big underwear.
40:11I remember on wash days, she'd hang them out and we'd lose three hours of daylight.
40:15True story.
40:16Now washing line looked like a cast party for Casper the Friendly Ghost.
40:21Once, there was a clan meeting in our backyard and mom's underpants got elected Grand Wizard.
40:28Now, where was I?
40:30Well, that's right.
40:30I was standing here.
40:32A woman, come closer.
40:35Ah, that's way too close.
40:39What are you, nuts?
40:41Anyway, as I was saying, a woman is like a big can of Draeno, full of white crystals,
40:48water-soluble, and capable of cleaning you out and killing you.
40:51But can she do this?
41:03Hi, I'm Stevie Steve and you're watching Video Hits, the show that brings you all your
41:08favourites, like me, Stevie Steve.
41:10Stay tuned and you could win this fantastic Stevie Steve prize pack, which includes a copy
41:15of my CDs, Hanging with Stevie Steve, the best of Stevie Steve, and the best of the best
41:20of Stevie Steve, and not forgetting the Stevie Steve Christmas album, A Very Stevie Christmas.
41:25Plus, you'll also win the Stevie Steve poster pack, the Stevie Steve workout video, and the
41:31Stevie Steve lunch box chock full of Stevie Steve goodness, including my very own Stevie
41:36Steve flavoured cheese sticks.
41:37And as a special bonus, you'll also get a personally signed copy of my biography, The Stevie Steve Story,
41:44charting my climb from obscurity to the heady heights of superstardom to a sad and lonely
41:49death in the gutters.
41:51Oh, and don't forget, you'll be able to hear my first single as soon as it's recorded.
41:56True story, I once backed into the meat slicer at my local kosher butcher.
42:03And guess what?
42:06He got a little behind in his orders.
42:09But I guess you've heard that one before.
42:11Anyway, I gotta go, Madonna.
42:13Been lovely speaking to you.
42:15I gotta interview some guy this afternoon called the Pope or something.
42:18The Pope means nothing to me.
42:21See you later, Madonna.
42:23My God, that girl can talk.
42:26I mean, I never thought I'd get a word in.
42:43Hello and welcome to Foreign Correspondent.
42:46I'm still here.
42:48Tonight, we look at an Asian religious cult whose priests wear orange robes, shave their heads,
42:55eat only vegetables, and believe in an almighty being called Budda.
43:04He's this really chubby guy who just smiles all the time.
43:08Imagine believing in a twit like that.
43:32He takes a look at the
43:37falando thing, being eh?
43:37He's buying an Asian shirts.
43:38She has no idea.
43:39I have an Asian yarn, veryly slighted brain.
43:39Neither are such golf that are sp yes.
43:39There's shows just guten one time 볼 Senhor,
43:40Please explain.
43:43When my balls drop.
43:44Please explain.
43:45When my balls drop.
43:46When my balls drop.
43:47When my balls drop.
43:47Please explain.
43:48Please explain.
43:51Please explain.
43:53Please explain.
43:55Please explain.
43:56Please explain.
43:57Please explain.
43:58Please explain.
43:59Please explain.
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