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00:41You've tried the Gut Cruncher, you've tried the Body Rider, you've tried the Belly Bouncer, you've tried the Butt Banner,
00:50and you've tried the Nose Swinger 2000.
00:55Now try using them more than once, you fat bastard.
01:27You've tried the Nose Swinger 2000.
01:55You've tried the Nose Swinger 2000.
02:16Hi, I'm Cathy Scanlon, and if you've just pooed your pants, then you made my brand new
02:20video, Cathy Scanlon's The Art of Not Being Scared. These days, there are so many things
02:31to be scared of. Dying, having your brain sucked out by aliens, and accidentally wearing no
02:36underpants. But with the techniques explained in my new video, you'll be laughing in the
02:41face of fear in no time.
02:51Rule one, if you can't see what's scary, you can't be scared, right? Right. But before
02:57you poke out your eye with a brick, remember, a doona will do just as good a job at protecting
03:01you from things that go bump in the night. Boogity, boogity, boogity, boogity.
03:13A similar method can be employed for other scary things like your fear of public speaking.
03:19Hi, I'm Cathy Scanlon. Thank you for listening to my speech. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
03:25Or even your fear of crossing a busy road.
03:38Hey, forget those exciting, realistic, three-dimensional computer games. At last, a fun game that the
03:46whole family can play. It's DICE.
03:49Come on, the big number. Come on, the big number.
03:52Yay!
03:55Yay!
03:58Three's a good number, but six is higher. So I win!
04:01Yay!
04:03If you want all the fun of big numbers beating little numbers, then get DICE. It's craps
04:08without the S. Another fine product from Toys Is We.
04:13Toys Is We!
04:22Welcome to the program. Tonight, new scientific evidence suggests that high usage of mobile
04:28phones can lead to growths of tumours and even possibly gross deformities of the ear and
04:33head.
04:35But big companies deny there's any health risk. With us tonight in the studio is the manager
04:40of Ausphone's mobile network, Mr. Barry Tusk. Barry Tusk, thanks for joining us.
04:49Pleasure to be here, Kerry.
04:50Barry Tusk, are you a heavy mobile phone user?
04:53That's right, Kerry. Use it all the time. Hasn't affected me yet.
05:00Really?
05:01That's right, Kerry. I'm in perfect health. Never felt better, mate. So feeling fine.
05:04Looking good.
05:07Yeah, well, I'll have to take your word on that, Barry, because you appear to be wearing
05:11a Hessian bag on your head.
05:13Oh, what? Oh, you mean this whole thing, mate? Oh, no, just something I threw on, Kerry.
05:16Yes, but why are you wearing it?
05:18Um, well, I, uh, I've got a cold sore, Kerry.
05:23Hmm. On the lip, is it?
05:26Well, lip-ish. Sort of towards the, uh...
05:31Ear?
05:32Yeah.
05:33I see, it must be a big one.
05:34Well, big-ish, yeah.
05:35Can I see it?
05:36No.
05:37Why not?
05:42I just picked it.
05:46So you're convinced there's no health risk at all from mobile phones?
05:49None at all, Kerry.
05:50So if people have any complaints...
05:52Ah, they're welcome to come and see me any time, Kerry.
05:54Any time at all?
05:54Of course, mate. I mean, come on, I'm not an animal, I'm a human being.
05:59So if they want to come and see you, where do they see you?
06:01Ah, this week I'll be at the Moscow Circus, Kerry, just next to some of these twins.
06:05Rule 2.
06:07In times when you are being threatened physically and could lose your life,
06:11you can repel your fear by employing phrases like,
06:15I'm not scared of you and, ha, ha, ha, it didn't hurt a bit.
06:18Be convincing.
06:26Hello, Cathy, the bikey.
06:28I'm not scared of you.
06:31Ow!
06:34Oh, ho, ho, ho, that did not hurt a bit.
06:36Ow!
06:40Thanks, Ken, but you weren't very convincing.
06:43Let's see that scenario again and I will show you how, like I would show you in my video,
06:48how I would not have been scared.
06:50Yeah, that's right.
06:53Ha, ha, ha.
06:55I'm not scared of you.
06:57What?
06:58Ow!
06:58No, that didn't even hurt even.
07:00Ah!
07:04Ken?
07:05Ken?
07:06Oh my God, he's got breathing.
07:12As you can see, somebody not breathing can be quite scary.
07:16But if you have my other brand new video, Cathy Scanlon's Art of Resuscitating Friends and Inflating People,
07:22you need never be scared about going to jail for manslaughter again.
07:26Breathe, Ken, breathe!
07:32Oh, Cathy.
07:34Oh, Ken.
07:36Ken!
07:37Ken!
07:41So, no matter what happens, you need never be scared again.
07:47My brains have been sucked out by aliens.
07:49And you're not wearing any underpants.
07:51i am not scared don't i can i'll help you
08:00so buy my brand new video and you too can be not scared like ken ken ken
08:14thanks very much doctor
08:19so um what seems to be the problem uh well i was watching television last night and um
08:27i started to get this very bad cramp uh down sort of just down like right down here
08:33um and i i thought i'd wait and see if it would pass but um actually if anything it sort
08:39of got
08:39quite a bit worse have you changed your diet lately uh no not that i know of eating any food
08:44that may be a bit dodgy no no i think i'd remember if look it's probably nothing but just to
08:50be on the
08:51safe side i think we'll have a look you mean an x-ray no we'll do an internal examination
08:59so if you just like to pop over there and um take your trousers off i'll be right with you
09:11trousers off okay so um how's work uh yeah it's um pretty good actually i'll um i'll just warm this
09:21up uh yeah you know uh yeah no it's been really good you know you know how it is
09:28yes i do actually yeah yeah you know uh being pretty busy and all that you know better than sitting
09:33around on your eyes all day yeah i know what you mean do you follow the football yeah yeah actually
09:42uh i'm a swan supporter come on this way they've um hit their stride just at the right time haven't
09:54they oh yeah actually i think this yeah they'll probably go all the way are you um are you watching
10:04them on the telly tonight
10:22you're probably going to need this then
10:36on the telly tonight
10:36who brought you does bring you a great new board game get ready for seconds of enjoyment with board
10:47it's so easy to learn
10:51so for the next time you're sitting around with the family why not get
10:55Bored.
11:05Music cloud tonight?
11:07Yeah.
11:17Hey, hey.
11:18What's your hurry, Sport?
11:19I've got to get inside.
11:20Sorry, mate, can't let you in.
11:22What?
11:23Dress code, mate.
11:23Mate, PVC night was last night.
11:26The night's 70s retro.
11:28I've got 500 punters in there, mate.
11:29There's no room.
11:30Piss off.
11:34OK, you can go in now.
11:35There's a space.
11:39In the time when the gods roamed New Zealand
11:42and the sheep were even more nervous than usual,
11:44the world cried out for a hero.
11:46But instead, they got Xeno, warrior princess.
11:54Xeno, oh mammoth mammoried warrior princess
11:56whose bosoms are two of the eight wonders of the world,
11:59why do you look so worried?
12:00Because I'm worried, Gabriela.
12:02What about?
12:03Side leakage.
12:04I was at a siege in Athens recently, you know,
12:07having fun, killing, maiming, destroying,
12:09when all of a sudden I had to leave the bloody massacre early
12:12with my horse tied around my waist.
12:16How embarrassing.
12:17You need these.
12:20Cute pack.
12:21What are they for?
12:23Well, you know, Xeno, feminine hygiene.
12:26Oh, like when Agar the Goth tried to cup a feel
12:28in my jubblies and I sliced through his lance
12:30with my broadsword?
12:31Not quite.
12:37Oh, gotcha.
12:41I kill because I want to kill
12:44And I swear because I want to slay
12:47I go right because I'm hard to be brought
12:50I beg because I want to make
13:06Hello, Cosmos.
13:07I'm John Laws.
13:08And I'm glad I am.
13:11Every day we hear about some new scientific breakthrough
13:14with cloning or genetic engineering.
13:16When will the scientists realise
13:17that playing God has awesome responsibilities?
13:20And I should know.
13:23Soon new life will be created from scratch in laboratories.
13:26Babies will no longer be the product of a random shag
13:28in the back of a panel van.
13:30And single mothers will just be women
13:31who don't rinse out their test tubes properly.
13:34And if you want to give your tubes a damn good clean
13:37I recommend palm olive dishwashing liquid.
13:39Gentle on your hands, but tough.
13:42On sperm.
13:44There's a poem.
13:50Hello, Mr Scientist.
13:51Cloning a bird or a bee.
13:53Why don't you grab a test tube
13:55and make a clone of me?
13:57Then I could make more money
13:58and it wouldn't be a crime
13:59by advertising red and maltine
14:00both at the same time.
14:11No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, my husband.
14:15He's not here.
14:15He's going to miss the first.
14:16He's called.
14:17He's on his way.
14:18He'll be here before you know it.
14:19Now you just relax and concentrate on your breathing.
14:24Paul, there you are, Mr Briggs.
14:25She's been calling your name for the last half an hour.
14:27Sorry, traffic was a nightmare.
14:29Here, put this on and follow me, please.
14:31Has it started yet?
14:32Jesus Christ!
14:35Yes, it has now.
14:36Sophie, come with me.
14:38Sorry, I can't go in.
14:40What?
14:40I can't go in once it's started.
14:42Sorry, I don't like to miss the beginning.
14:44Ruins the whole thing.
14:47Well, it's only just started.
14:48You've only missed a couple of contractions.
14:50You'll be able to pick up what's happened easy.
14:51Yeah, you see, but for me, the early contractions set up the whole thing.
14:55It wouldn't be the same.
14:56So, I guess I'll just have to go and see something else.
15:00What?
15:00What about that blonde woman in Ward 17?
15:02That looked like an interesting birth.
15:03What time is she due?
15:05Ruins!
15:07The hands are here.
15:08I don't want to hear.
15:08No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:10Here, here, here.
15:12Here, here, here, here.
15:14Here, here, here, here.
15:15It's over, Mr Briggs.
15:16You've missed the whole thing.
15:19All right, OK.
15:19I'll see it on video.
15:21Oh, that was fantastic.
15:24The special effects were unbelievable.
15:26I knew it was going to be a boy from the start, though.
15:28Thanks a lot.
15:29You ruined the ending.
15:50Tonight, a story guaranteed to tug.
15:53And even the toughest of heartstrings.
15:56Over the years, we've introduced you to many brave little Aussie heroes battling against
16:01incredible odds.
16:03We all remember little Quentin.
16:05Who can forget those brave Siamese twins from Papua New Guinea, Eugenia and, um, the other
16:11one, but tonight, with the help of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, we bring joy and happiness into
16:17the life of a child who, despite enormous suffering and hardship, still manages to keep
16:22a smile on his face.
16:24Allow me to introduce to you little Rick.
16:32Good evening, Mike.
16:35You're little Rick?
16:36Ah, that is correct.
16:38Uncle Mike.
16:39You are the six-year-old Rick suffering from a rare degenerative disease?
16:44Yeah.
16:44You look more like a 46-year-old man with bad teeth.
16:47Oh, that's not very nice, Mike.
16:49Making fun of me illness like that.
16:50Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, Rick.
16:52I didn't realise.
16:53No, it's all right.
16:54I'm a six-year-old boy who's trapped in the rotting carcass of an ageing man's body.
16:59And this is what the doctors have told you?
17:01No, it's what my ex-wife told me.
17:03Now, Rick, how much longer are you going to be with us?
17:07Um, could be as little as two hours, Mike.
17:09Oh, Rick, that is tragic.
17:10Yeah, couldn't find an all-day park.
17:12Now, I understand, Rick, that through all this hardship, you have had a dream.
17:17Yeah.
17:18Yeah, um, see, um, there's Claudia Schiffer, right, and she's naked.
17:22Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, the other dream.
17:24Oh, yeah, right.
17:25Um, yeah, all my life I've wanted to be a, um, um, on the stage as a performer, um, you
17:30know, to smell the lighting and the, um, the grease paint and stuff like that.
17:34And, um, just once before I die.
17:41Well, Rick, uh, thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation and due to our producer's cynical grab
17:45for ratings, your wish is about to come true.
17:50Red Laurie, hello, Laurie, Red Laurie.
17:52How are you, Rick?
17:52Yeah.
17:53All right, on here, Rick.
17:53Yeah, yeah.
17:54Kill him, kill him.
17:55Kill him.
17:56Yeah.
17:57Okay, Rick, how are you feeling?
17:58Oh, you know, a bit nervous and stuff like that.
18:01Oh, then, don't worry.
18:01You'll be fine.
18:02Just remember how we roasted.
18:03Are you ready?
18:04Yeah.
18:04Okay, let's do it.
18:13Okay, ladies, please welcome to Ray from Canada, the Chip and Diles, and Rick.
18:20Hey!
18:25Oh, my God.
18:35Oh, my God.
18:59Oh, my God.
19:02Oh, my God.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:06Oh, my God.
19:16Oh, my God.
19:22Kara and Tamara O'Hara have become household names.
19:26Morning, Tamara.
19:27Morning, Kara.
19:28These twin sisters entered our hearts when they attempted to become world-famous tap dancers and entered our courts when
19:36they kidnapped Wheel of Fortune host Rob Elliott.
19:39Off you go.
19:40Bye-bye.
19:41Bye.
19:41But now they're pursuing a more personal dream.
19:44The search for their true father.
19:47We believe our father was a famous musical figure.
19:52And we tried to emulate him in everything that we do.
19:55Breakfast ready.
19:57Breakfast ready.
19:59Oh, my God.
20:04Wheel of Fortune's finished now, Kara.
20:06Turn off the TV.
20:07Okay.
20:08Goodbye, Rob.
20:09Yeah, goodbye.
20:13But surely Elvis Presley died two years before you were born.
20:17Oh, we don't think our father was Elvis.
20:20Oh, where'd you get that silly idea from?
20:22We think our father was an Elvis impersonator.
20:25They decided to interview every Elvis impersonator in the world in order to discover the truth.
20:32The interviews were grueling.
20:34How long have you been an Elvis impersonator?
20:37Oh, I don't know, Betty.
20:39I think I've done a whoopsie.
20:42The twins were at their wits' end until they received what they believed to be a sign.
20:48Look, Kara, it's a sign.
20:50No, Tamara, signs are bigger.
20:52This is a leaflet.
20:55An Elvis Expo.
20:57Hello.
20:59And so the twins set off on what was possibly their last real chance to be reunited with their father.
21:15Well, Tamara, all this is great.
21:18Where are all the Elvis impersonators?
21:20I don't know, Kara.
21:22Sorry.
21:23Hello, ladies.
21:24You haven't seen two pretty little twin girls, have you?
21:26Why?
21:28Because I'm looking for my long-lost daughters.
21:31Could it be?
21:33And yet...
21:34But...
21:35You don't have red curly hair.
21:40Oh, Tamara!
21:42Oh, Kara!
21:44Daddy!
21:46My babies!
21:57This week on Australia's Most Wanted, we're still on the case of Jimmy the Machete Dugget.
22:03Dugget is wanted for a series of particularly grisly murders, and recently boasted that he plans to kill one person
22:10every day until he is caught.
22:13With me to check progress into this urgent case is Constable Meredith Peters. Welcome to the show.
22:18Hello, Roger.
22:19Glad to be here.
22:20He sounds like a very dangerous man.
22:23Yes, Roger.
22:24He's a violent psychopath who has absolutely no qualms at all about maiming and killing innocent people.
22:30This must be making things very difficult for the police.
22:33Well, yes, he's vowed never to be captured alive and has said, and I quote,
22:38I vow to take as many of the filthy, stinking pigs with me as I can.
22:43So you've issued a public warning indicating the man is extremely dangerous and not to be approached under any circumstances?
22:49Exactly. I cannot stress enough how dangerous this man is.
22:55So, if anyone does spot him, they should contact the police and let them deal with him.
23:00Are you kidding? I mean, didn't you hear what I just said?
23:03This guy has torn people apart with his bare hands. He's a f***ing lunatic. We're not going anywhere near him.
23:09Then what are you going to do about it?
23:12Well, um, we're appealing to Jimmy Dugget to, um, move interstate, or maybe even overseas.
23:18I hear New Zealand's nice.
23:21So, there we have it. Our police force once again pissing their pants.
23:28Boo.
23:29Oh, God, don't do that.
23:33Love me forever. Love me sweet. Never let me go.
23:46I have made my life complete. And I love you so.
23:59Love me.
24:02Love me.
24:03Love me.
24:10Love me.
24:15Love me.
24:28Love me.
24:32Name?
24:33Doug Harrison.
24:35Though most people know me as Doug Mad Dog Harrison.
24:42Not here, they won't.
24:43We've already got a Mad Dog Williams. You'll have to pick another nickname.
24:49Jeez, um, righto, um, Doug Wild Dog Harrison.
24:56No, I'm sorry. We've got a Wild Dog Bobbage. He's been here for three years.
25:02Well, what can I have?
25:08Well, what about Not Completely Sane Dog Harrison?
25:12Yeah, for sure, yeah. Come on, what else is there?
25:15Uh, Silly Old Labrador Harrison.
25:17No, no, get away from the dog. Something else. Some other animal.
25:20Um, Very Angry Cat.
25:25No.
25:25Scary Fat Pigeon Harrison.
25:28Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure going to get a lot of respect being known as Doug Scary Fat Pigeon Harrison.
25:35Uh, Slightly Irritated Goldfish Harrison.
25:39Chicken with a Very Nasty Rash Harrison.
25:44Oh, no, that's no good.
25:45What, what is it?
25:47Well, it's the last animal nickname I've got, alright?
25:49Yeah.
25:50It's, uh, Stroppy Mexican Walking Fish, but I don't understand how you...
25:52Oh, hold on.
25:56Yeah.
25:57Alright, everybody.
25:58Doug Stroppy Mexican Walking Fish Harrison.
26:02Is back in town.
26:05Yeah, that'll do.
26:07But you like that?
26:08Yeah, yeah, that'll do.
26:09Oh, good.
26:10Alright, you'll be in cell 4B with Lionel Minx.
26:14That... Hold on.
26:16You are not putting me in any cell with any wuzz called Minx.
26:22Harrison, I'd like you to meet your cell mate.
26:24Lionel, built like a mountain gorilla and horny as a rabbit on heat Minx.
26:32Enjoy.
26:40Sadly for Cara and Tamara,
26:42one morning, two weeks ago,
26:45their new found father left the girls to get the paper and some groceries,
26:48and never came back.
26:52We think he was kidnapped by aliens.
26:55Or maybe alien impersonators.
26:57But he left this.
26:59We're going to leave it in the window to guide him so that one day he may return to eat
27:04it.
27:09And what do you do now?
27:11We think that we've found our true mother.
27:14And we believe that she's in the same line of work as daddy.
27:17Except that she's a female impersonator.
27:20What could it be, alone in your room?
27:23Come on girls, time for dinner.
27:25Like there's a cavalry,
27:29There's a cavalry of men,
27:33There's a cavalry of men!
28:04Thank you, Matt.
28:06Well, good evening. I'm Ian Goodings,
28:07and what a deep and abiding privilege it is for you to be with me once more.
28:12Don't forget tonight's National Nightly Network news is salt-reduced,
28:15additive-free and chock-full of iron, niacin and riboflavin
28:19to give you more than twice your daily allowance of intrigue, disaster and mayhem.
28:24And ahead in tonight's news,
28:26thousands of people believe dead in what police are calling a cemetery.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:33A pickpocket arrested at Taronga Park Zoo today
28:36charged with sexually molesting a kangaroo.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:39A Sydney dance instructor sacked after management claims
28:43that he trod on too many toes.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46And people with learning disorders.
28:48Will they never learn?
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52But folks, the news.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:55Well, to the UK, where Prince Charles' lover Camilla Parker Bowles
28:58overcame a difficult hurdle yesterday,
29:01then finished strongly to win the Grand National by six lengths.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06The Pope's decision to say Mass today wearing a wig and sunglasses
29:10has been hailed by many as a blessing in disguise.
29:14LAUGHTER
29:17Calls for Pig Latin to replace the international language of Esperanto
29:21have fallen on...
29:24F-day, is-ay, u-day, a-tay.
29:26LAUGHTER
29:28To John Howard's health now,
29:30and concerned doctors have advised that the Prime Minister
29:33stick his GST up his Peter Costello.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:38And it was certainly a case of...
29:40scotch that was consumed at my place last night.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44But now let's cross to Ascot Vale,
29:46where we've just had word of a major train derailment.
29:49We're speaking to eyewitness Lex Marron.
29:51Lex, mate, can you tell us exactly what happened?
29:54Oh, near my...
29:55Yo, Jesus, it's unbelievable, man.
29:56Did you see it? Did you see it?
29:58Uh, no, I didn't see it, Lex.
29:59That's why we're talking to you.
30:01Oh, yeah, that's right.
30:02No, man, look, it's unbelievable, right?
30:04No, I just...
30:04Like, what happened, right, what happened
30:05is I've just been down the road, mate,
30:07to pick up my new ab flexor.
30:08You know the ab flexors from the guy on the TV
30:10that go like that and they've got the abs on the belly?
30:12Well, I got one of them, right?
30:13And, mate, I was walking home
30:14right with my ab flex under my arm, as you do,
30:16and I sort of took a sip of my Slurpee.
30:18Could you believe it, mate?
30:19It was red.
30:20You know, I can't have red Slurpees.
30:21I hate when you order a green Slurpee
30:22and I give you a red Slurpee
30:23cos I can't have red Slurpees
30:24cos it makes me a bit crazy and stuff.
30:26So I have to have the green Slurpee
30:27cos the red Slurpee, you know,
30:29I just get allergic to them.
30:30My throat starts going...
30:32I almost die.
30:33My eyes pop out of my head and stuff
30:34and I'm allergic.
30:35So I blow chunks.
30:39Yes, yes, I see.
30:41Now, getting back to the derailment, Lex...
30:43Oh, yeah, no, that's what I was telling you about.
30:45No, mate, it's unbelievable, you know?
30:47Like, what happened, right?
30:48You know, like, I put my ab flexor down, right?
30:50And, you know, I went back to the 7-Eleven
30:52to go and swear because of my allergy thing
30:53that I was just telling you about, right?
30:54And that's when it happened, man.
30:56It's like, this just big...
30:58Like, this...
30:58This just...
30:59This, mate, this...
31:00Baaah!
31:02Yeah, man.
31:02And there's trains going...
31:04Waaah!
31:05Yeah!
31:05And there's people going...
31:07Waaah!
31:08And little dogs going...
31:09Waaah!
31:11Yes, right.
31:12And what do you think actually caused the accident?
31:14Oh, well, no.
31:15Look, I was talking to this bloke, man.
31:16He was pissed off, mate.
31:17He said there was this idiot, mate,
31:18some idiot, like, some, like, tosser, mate,
31:19some idiot.
31:20And people are so unbelievable, you know?
31:21And he just had left this...
31:23This bit of scrap metal junk on the tracks
31:25in front of the train.
31:26Yes, yes, Lex.
31:28This piece of scrap metal,
31:29it wouldn't have looked like an ab flexor
31:31that had been run over by a train
31:33by any chance, would it?
31:35No.
31:37No, because the ab flexor
31:39are all shiny and new and stuff,
31:41whereas this was all bent and mangled.
31:45From Toys' We,
31:46the people who brought you dice,
31:48comes an even more action-packed,
31:50fun family game.
31:51Get ready for hours of enjoyment
31:53with pick-up stick.
31:55Yes, pick-up stick.
31:57It's more fun than no stick at all.
32:00Come on, Mum, you can do it.
32:02For all the fun of a single stick
32:04being picked up off a table,
32:06get pick-up stick.
32:07It sticks it up all the other games.
32:14Well, to sport now,
32:15and there have been celebrations in England
32:17after yet another Australian cricket victory.
32:19We won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:30we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:37we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:38we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:38we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:39we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:39we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won, we won,
32:41we won, we won, we won, we won
32:49down guys just settle there you know let's not get two k away now okay uh we won the toss
32:54so
32:54let's get out there and play yeah well now for the finance report and in finance we cross to our
33:03new
33:03national nightly network news finance reporters neville and bueller besmith well neville and bueller
33:11thank you for joining us hello yes well tell us what sort of day it's been in the world of
33:21finance
33:21oh well apparently the australian dollar is up and interest rates are down that's the australian
33:30dollar up and interest rates down dollar up rights down thank you thank you very much it's
33:43very informative and what about other economic indicators say for example the hung sang like a
33:53it's very clever but just by the by exactly what is your background in finance reporting
33:59william my beautiful de facto bueller and i both worked at bhp we've sat on their board of directors
34:23yes thank you now that's all we've got time for but if you want to see
34:29me this weekend stop it just uh just videotape the last bit of the news
34:34and then you can play it over and over again to your heart's content
34:50do you know who robbed this 7-eleven have you any idea who grabbed mrs maureen peterson's handbag
35:00who killed fred gibbons or the name of the man who made a cowardly attack on this 70 year old
35:06pensioner
35:07if you have the answer to any of these questions you could be in line to win
35:11this fabulous car yes that's right roger this fabulous luxury car could be yours if
35:18shit somebody's nicked it
35:30oh
35:32oh
35:33Oh, Shane, yeah.
35:37Oh, yeah, go, mate, go.
35:39Oh, that's the spot. Yeah! Yeah, Shane!
35:43Darling.
35:43What? What? What is it?
35:45Wake up. You're doing it again.
35:47Doing what?
35:47You're talking in your sleep again, saying his name, Shane, over and over.
35:52Oh, so?
35:53Well, who is he?
35:55Look, I've told you before, he's a cricketer. You know, Warnie.
35:58I was just dreaming about the cricket, that's all.
36:01I don't believe you any more.
36:03Oh, look, darling, I think you're making a big deal out of nothing, really.
36:07Really?
36:07Then how do you explain the clothes I found in our closet?
36:10Clothes?
36:11Men's clothes, not your size.
36:14Look, I'm tired of all these lies. I need to know.
36:17Are you gay?
36:18You're being ridiculous.
36:20Am I?
36:21Yes.
36:21Then what about the naked man in our bathroom?
36:27I can explain.
36:29There's nothing to explain. I know what is going on.
36:32It's over.
36:33I'm going home to Mum.
36:35But I can explain, darling. Really?
36:37Your wife's not taking it very well, is she?
36:40No.
36:42No, she's not.
36:43You know, I think this is the last Ashes tour I'll bring her on, really.
36:46Yeah.
36:47Come on, let's go go beating the Poms tomorrow.
36:49Hey, guys, team meeting.
36:50Yeah, mate, you'll be better at the bowl of you.
36:53Yeah, mate, you'll be better at the bowl of you.
36:54Yeah, of course I've got a bloody ticket, you arsehole.
37:01Leave your date, lad, arse, I'm coming through.
37:04Yes.
37:07How's it going?
37:11Listen, what's a trip to London without a trip to the opera, eh?
37:17There's nothing like a bit of culture, is there?
37:19Shh.
37:20Hold on, hold on.
37:21Oh, yes, that's the one.
37:23Oh, jeez.
37:24Better out than in that one, eh, mate?
37:26Better an empty flat than a bad tenant, I say.
37:30Jeez, I hope I'm not too late.
37:32Shh.
37:33No, I'm not too late.
37:34They're still doing the national anthem.
37:36God save our biscuit tent.
37:40Don't let the flies get hit.
37:43Come on, stand up, you unpatriotic bastard.
37:45We'll sit down.
37:49Jeez, what's up your arse?
37:52What, did you go to the cricket test yesterday, did you?
37:56Now, the opera, the opera has started.
37:59The opera's started, the opera's started.
38:02I haven't missed much.
38:06Still, I suppose it's not over till the fat lady sings, eh?
38:10Oh, jeez, I reckon that must be about now.
38:14Come on, go out the size of her.
38:16Here, come on, you don't need those.
38:18Give them to me.
38:19You can see her from the moon.
38:22Well, crikey, there's a bit of moon going on here.
38:26What have we got?
38:28The moon, hair growing all around the size.
38:31One small step for man, one large step for mankind.
38:41Sorry, matey, no offence attended, Chrome Dome.
38:44I'll buy a can of Mr Sheen after the show, eh?
38:49Hey, check this out, shusha.
38:52And the fat chick's rounding the cardboard cut-out tree a couple of lengths in front of the old man
38:58with the Viking hat.
38:59He looks a bit horny.
39:01And oh, look out.
39:02Here comes the handsome young knight.
39:04He's gaming on the fat opera chick.
39:06It's neck and neck.
39:07It's a photo finished.
39:08I'll be looking for correct weight.
39:10I'd say, correct weight, it'd be 15 tons.
39:14You've tried the gut cruncher.
39:16You've tried the body rider.
39:19You've tried the belly bouncer.
39:22You've tried the knee trimmer.
39:24And you've tried the dick swiveler 2000.
39:29Now try getting rid of all this crap.
39:33All right, I'll take your hair on.
39:35I'm going.
39:35I'm sorry about that, but look, look.
39:46Hello, humanity.
39:47I'm John Laws.
39:49You know, not a day goes by when I don't think about the poor and needy of this country.
39:54How they live from hand to mouth, trapped in a vicious cycle of debt and poverty and homelessness.
39:59And I say to myself, God, I'm glad I'm not one of them.
40:03Cheers me up, no end.
40:05Here's a poem.
40:08I'm rich.
40:09You're not.
40:10I'm happy.
40:12You're not.
40:14Okay, not one of my best, but quite frankly, I couldn't give a stuff.
40:17Unlike Reg Markham from Reg's Taxidermy.
40:20I can't get enough of Reg Markham's stuff.
40:24Wait, absolutely brilliant.
40:28The king is back in town.
40:33Who is this Sheila anyway?
40:36That is the mezzo-soprano.
40:38Mezzo-soprano.
40:40That's a pizza with a lot, isn't it?
40:47I will have you know, she has a very good vibrato.
40:53What, you know her that well, do you?
40:56Hey, she probably needs one if you're all she's getting.
41:02Well, look out.
41:03There's someone creeping up on her.
41:05He's behind you.
41:08Oh, shit.
41:10I'm trying to listen to the music.
41:17She's not very good, is she?
41:21Hey?
41:22I mean, you can't understand a bloody word she's saying.
41:25It's in Italian.
41:27All right, eh?
41:28What is it, bloody SPS, is it?
41:31I've seen SPS before.
41:33Get your nogs out!
41:37Where's the soccer going to start?
41:40I mean, really.
41:42Look, if they're going to go for jobs in this country,
41:44you think they can learn your language first, don't you?
41:48Hey, speak in English, Maria!
41:51Shh!
41:53Oh, she's finished.
41:54Oh, bloody magnificent!
41:56Hey!
41:56You beauty!
41:58You killed him!
41:59Come on, give him a bit of encouragement, for God's sake.
42:02We only give a standing ovation when it's truly called for.
42:05Oh, we only give a standing ovation when it's here, Keith, called for.
42:09Well, in that case, if that's your attitude,
42:10I will take my leave from this opera house, he hands off!
42:27It's coming closer, but times ain't no ick in my mind.
42:34Won't you have me?
42:35I feel like I'm slipping away, yeah.
42:40It's hard to breathe, yeah.
42:42It's hard to breathe, and it's just as a healing.
42:47Lord, have mercy, burning the whole world in it.
42:52And there's a whole lot of families of us.
42:59But I'll give some love, yeah.
42:59You know I got my love from the sky, with burning love.
43:05Say, ha, ha, ha!
43:07Buried of law!
43:09Say, ha, ha!
43:10Booied of law!
43:11I'm a fucking brainer
43:14I'm a fucking brainer
43:17I'm a fucking brainer
43:21I'm a fucking brainer
43:24I'm a fucking brainer
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