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FunTranscript
00:03Slasher Peterson, come on down!
00:13Freddie the Weasel Maloney, come on down!
00:20And Chopper O'Leary, come on down!
00:26Congratulations guys, you're the first three
00:29criminals caught on the all-new Australia's Most Wanted.
00:34Now here's your host, Roger Clipson.
00:40Bad luck, fellas. Take them away, men.
01:23If your children enjoyed looking for that rascal Wally,
01:27then they're going to love searching for an entire Australian political party with
01:32Where's Beasley?
01:34This looks like talks on tax reform, but where's Beasley?
01:39Hey, that's the immigration issue.
01:42Can you see Beasley?
01:45I can't find Beasley anywhere in all this heroin trial debate.
01:50Wait, is that him?
01:53Is that Kim Beasley?
01:54No, that's the side of a house.
01:58For hours of fun, get Where's Beasley.
02:02Available now at, hmm, buggered if I know.
02:21I don't want you to be no slave.
02:25I don't want you to be no slave.
02:30But I want you to be true.
02:35And I just want to make love to you.
02:41Get your hands off a drink, you knobhead.
03:00Hello, I'm Pamela Anderson Lee.
03:04I knew that.
03:05And I'm here to help you.
03:07So if you've got any problems with your relationship, just write me a letter and let me read it.
03:13Okay, here's one.
03:18Dear Pam.
03:20When I first met my boyfriend, it was fantastic.
03:22We had so much in common and had so many great times.
03:25But now I think he's taking me for granted.
03:28He never takes me anywhere and expects me to cook his meals and do his washing.
03:32We don't talk anymore.
03:33I just don't think he respects me.
03:35What should I do?
03:37Okay, so give him a blowjob.
03:41Awesome, next.
03:44Dear Pam, I'm really in love with his sweet guy at work.
03:47He's very shy and I want to know how to make him notice me without appearing too obvious.
03:52Okay, so go into work in the nude and show him that you got his name tattooed on your butt.
03:58But don't get the tattoo too big because it'll make you look too easy.
04:02Awesome.
04:04Dear Pam, I took your advice and got breast implants.
04:07Now I have enormous breasts but still no boyfriend.
04:10What should I do?
04:14Okay, totally simple.
04:15Get two more enormous breasts.
04:18You can never have enough.
04:19And put them on your back.
04:21That way, guys can't help but notice at least two of your enormous breasts.
04:25Awesome.
04:26So that's all for this week.
04:27So if you've got any problems and you want advice, write to...
04:30Ask Pammy.
04:31Post Office Box 36DD in your capital city.
04:36And you can benefit from my years of experience at building healthy and successful relationships.
04:41Tommy!
04:46Honey, my left elbow's itchy.
04:49Oh, okay, Tommy.
04:51See you later.
04:53Who are you talking to?
04:54What?
04:54I told you not to talk to anyone.
04:56Am I man enough for you?
05:10Welcome to the program.
05:12Well, John Howard is planning to introduce radical tax reforms which include a GST.
05:17Many people are seeing this move as a back down on election promises and as a result, John Howard's popularity
05:22has taken a dramatic nosedive.
05:25But, Prime Minister, thanks for joining us.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Look, yeah, absolute pleasure to be here, Kerry.
05:31So, uh, a GST.
05:34John Hewson offered it to the Australian public and it cost him the election.
05:37No, no, look, Kerry, that was then.
05:39Yeah.
05:39This is now.
05:39And we have learned from our mistakes.
05:43Well, in what way?
05:44You're still introducing the tax.
05:46Yes, but this time we didn't actually tell anyone before the election.
05:51I see.
05:52Why do you believe that this country needs a consumption tax?
05:54Because it's time, Kerry.
05:56It's time we obtained a reasonable tax revenue from those people who are paying less tax than others.
06:02You mean rich tax avoiders?
06:04No, I mean people without a job.
06:06Now, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they do not pay any tax at all.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Now, with a GST, they get to cough up big time.
06:16Okay.
06:17So, this GST targets the old and the unemployed.
06:20Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
06:25no, no, no, no, no, no point in denying it.
06:26Of course it does.
06:29Do you think the Australian people are going to like this, John Howard?
06:32Well, Kerry, you know, I mean, I like to think, I like to think of tax reform as an exciting
06:39journey.
06:40Yes, well, you would.
06:41And I do.
06:41Because you're a boring turd.
06:43All right, sir.
06:44No, no, no.
06:45OK, yep, yep, no.
06:47No, fair enough.
06:48Yep, yep, yep, yep.
06:49John Howard.
06:50No, no, no, no.
06:52Look, Kerry, Kerry, Kerry.
06:55John Howard.
06:56There is no use going all Jeff Kennett on me.
06:58Yep.
06:59Now, the point is, tax reform is a thrilling, erotic adventure.
07:04As a matter of fact, I'm coming over all sweaty now just thinking about it.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11You get excited by sales tax?
07:14Oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:15Appreciation?
07:16Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
07:19General exemption rebates?
07:21Oh, oh, do it to me, Kerry.
07:22Do, do, do.
07:25Family assistance threshold?
07:27Oh, oh, I think I'm reaching my threshold.
07:29Yeah, OK, well, I think we just might leave it there then.
07:34Oh, Kerry, you didn't let me finish.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:40It's all right.
07:43Medicare, levy, high-income earner, surcharge.
07:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
07:50Oh, thanks, Kerry, I'm finished now.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:53We can only hope.
07:55Good night.
08:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:08Directory assistance, Katie speaking.
08:10What name, please?
08:11Uh, Trevor Henderson.
08:12I'm not sure of the number, but it's, uh, Faulkner Street, Pascoe Vale.
08:15Oh, you mean Trevor with the red hair drives a blue Commodore?
08:19Yeah, that's right, you know him.
08:20Know him?
08:21He's sleeping with my best friend behind his wife's back.
08:23You're kidding?
08:24I didn't know that.
08:25Well, it's not the type of thing he's going to go shouting from the rooftop.
08:28Oh, no, I suppose you're right.
08:29Yeah, and apparently he's right into bondage, whips, chains and all that.
08:33My friend reckons the thing he's really into is dressing up as a schoolgirl
08:36and being spanked with a set square.
08:38Oh, Jesus, I've got to talk to him.
08:40You've got his number?
08:40Oh, I'm sorry.
08:41His number is silent.
08:42We can't give out personal information like that.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:48Honey, I'm home.
08:50Oh, honey, I'm home.
08:53I'm OK.
08:55Alice mislaid some files, though.
08:58Oh, hey, I'm home.
09:02Round seven.
09:04Oh, hey, I'm home.
09:07Oh, hey, I'm home.
09:08Yeah, pretty shocking, actually.
09:10The freeway was chockers.
09:11Oh, hey, I'm home.
09:14Oh, hey, I'm home.
09:18Police said.
09:18What's for dinner?
09:23delicious.
09:28No, I can't.
09:38Because I've got a couple of late appointments that night.
09:47no I can't look I don't know how to make it any clearer
10:01look you know I just cannot just forget about my work like that Susan
10:09for God's sake Susan you knew I was a dentist when you married me
10:26from the makers of water rats murder call and blue healers comes an exciting new Australian drama
10:34water rates a group of men and women dedicated to the efficient administration of the nation's water
10:42supply he's about to undo it now
11:10see them work together
11:21she's a thousand liters over the limit right you're going away for a very long time old lady
11:29see them love together
11:40water rates just when you thought it was safe to fill up your waiting pool
11:57sorry mate can't let you in dress code mate not our fault what can we do
12:01oh there you go guys I just want to go in for a minute see if me mate's there
12:05don't try that one on me mate you think we're stupid or something mate you just want to get
12:08in for nothing you're just going to go in there you're going to disappear and we're not be able
12:11to going to find you sorry mate just had that one pulled us too many times tonight
12:22find your friend he wasn't in it
12:24never mind have a good night
12:28hi I'm Kathy Scanlon you might remember me from my other hot sold out videos
12:33like the one with how to make friends
12:37ow
12:38on my utter seduction video
12:45although you can see my videos are different
12:48and that doesn't mean you have to be people who are different are not the same as you and me
12:54and end the days like the elephant man working for peanuts with bags on their heads
13:00but I can teach you how to fit in in my brand new video
13:06Kathy Scanlon's art of not being
13:10different
13:13too many people are different in the world today
13:16if everyone was the same wouldn't that be different
13:19just follow these simple rules rule one don't talk to yourself
13:28rule two wear appropriate clothing
13:38rule three don't lick things
13:55all people
13:56all people
14:13now if you don't want to be different
14:16don't be like everyone else and sit at home
14:18get out and buy my new video
14:20it'll be the difference between being different
14:22and being something completely different to being different
14:40and welcome to the show
14:41I'm George Nagus
14:43tonight we take our cameras where no man has been before
14:46and give you a terrifying glimpse into the deepest darkest depth of an inhospitable wilderness
14:52yes join me as I relive my internal body search at Manila airport
14:59hi
15:00I'm a minor celebrity
15:01you might know me from half a season on home and away
15:04or when I fill in for the kino girl when she's sick
15:07but I'd like to talk to you about something very very special
15:11sponsoring a child
15:12you know most of us are pretty lucky
15:14we take a lot of things for granted
15:16but in some places
15:18like to rack and pots points
15:20some kids don't even have the bare essentials
15:25this is Johnny Wakefield Smythe of Scotch College
15:28he has never known what it's like
15:30to ride in a Mercedes Benz
15:32less than two years old
15:34oh I'm lost
15:36stupid gay
15:38an eight year old Fiona from Vaucluse
15:41only owns four pairs of hand tailored Gucci jeans
15:44that's not even one for every day of the week
15:47come here Prancer
15:48Prancer
15:49come on
15:56I want another one
15:58there are dozens of kids like these
16:01but now there's a way that you can make a difference
16:04join Bratz
16:05basic relief for arsehole toffee school kids
16:09and it doesn't take much
16:10you can start off small
16:12like buying a new sports blazer
16:14and then gradually work your way up
16:15to sponsoring their very first European holiday
16:18first class of course
16:21I said thank you
16:28oh
16:30I wanted a blue one
16:31you get the chance to follow your child
16:34as they progress from a young
16:36rude
16:36overprivileged little creep
16:38into an older
16:40rude
16:40overprivileged little creep
16:45imagine the joy you'll feel
16:46when you receive their touching thank you letters
16:49handwritten
16:50by their accountant
16:51requesting opera seats a little bit closer to the stage
16:54so support a brat today
16:57it's your chance to help them
16:59help themselves
17:00to a new CD player for the car
17:02or maybe a sauna to go by the pool
17:04some of those little Belgian chocolate
17:06hey I want one of them
17:08no I do
17:09thank you
17:13you go on go Swannies
17:15go
17:16come on you're only one goal down
17:18there's still time
17:19kick it long
17:20kick it long
17:21bugger
17:23you beauty
17:24yes
17:31Mary
17:32Mary
17:33what's wrong
17:34it's my heart
17:36I can't
17:38what do I do
17:39quick get on the phone
17:42call Bill
17:44and get him
17:45to tape the footy
17:49I've got to get you to the hospital
17:51I don't care about the footy
17:52oh Jesus
17:53I'm having a heart attack
17:54and all you can think about is yourself
17:57I've got to take you to the hospital
17:59or I don't care about the footy
18:01I need an ambulance at 5
18:03Rose Street Greenwood
18:04my husband's had a heart attack
18:06yes thank you
18:07oh
18:08oh god
18:09what
18:11everything's gone black
18:12I can't see
18:13the ambulance is on its way
18:15oh bugger the ambulance
18:16just turn the volume up
18:17so I can hear the game
18:18will you
18:20oh no
18:21um
18:22uh
18:22I've broken the knob
18:24on the volume
18:25and it's not working
18:27oh shit
18:32you'll have to do it then
18:34what
18:35call the game
18:37what
18:39commentate
18:39tell me what's happening
18:41okay
18:42um
18:43a man has just
18:45kicked the ball
18:46yeah
18:46and it's gone to another man
18:48and
18:49he's got it
18:50and he's kicked it back
18:51um
18:52the other way
18:52no no no no no
18:55do it
18:56do it like
18:57Bruce
19:00Bruce McEvaney
19:02do it like him
19:04how does he do it
19:06well he
19:06he gets all excited
19:08and emotional
19:09and he says
19:10special
19:11a lot
19:13oh
19:14this is stupid
19:15come on
19:16it's my
19:17it's my dying wish
19:18okay
19:19um
19:20oh gee
19:21a man's just got
19:23our bird in the head
19:24and that was special
19:26and another man's
19:28just kicked the ball
19:29through the big stick
19:30and that was special too
19:32and everyone's waving
19:34and cheering
19:34and screaming
19:35and it's exciting
19:36who
19:36it's special
19:38very special
19:39who kicked it
19:41Mary
19:41who kicked it
19:42a special man
19:44in a black jumper
19:45and it was white as well
19:47and he was a calling
19:48would
19:49oh quick
19:53oh no
19:54it's too late
19:55I'm afraid it's all over
19:57it's dead
19:58no no
19:59plugger's just missed a shot
20:00after the siren
20:11the man wanted
20:12in relation to the
20:13Bondi Beach robbery
20:14is described as
20:15180 centimetres tall
20:17with blue eyes
20:18and long sandy
20:19coloured hair
20:20here
20:21is an identikit picture
20:23as drawn by our
20:24work experience artist
20:25Corina Miles
20:29congratulations
20:29Corina
20:30that's a very good likeness
20:32thank you
20:32Mr Clifton
20:34it must have taken
20:35you a very long time
20:36oh not really
20:38because when I heard
20:38the description
20:39I thought
20:39wow
20:40that sounds just like
20:40Daniel Johns
20:41from Silverchair
20:42and I love
20:43Silverchair
20:43and I knew
20:44that I could draw him
20:45because I've drawn him
20:46on my pencil case
20:47heaps of times before
20:47he's such a spunk
20:49I love him
20:52indeed
20:53and in other cases
20:55police are still
20:55seeking a red-haired woman
20:57in connection
20:57with a series of assaults
20:59in the eastern suburbs
21:00here's our sketch artist
21:02Corina's impression
21:06that's not the woman
21:07in question
21:08is it Corina
21:08yeah
21:10you've drawn Daniel Johns
21:12again haven't you
21:13no
21:14that is Daniel Johns
21:16with a bit of red
21:16through his hair
21:17isn't it
21:19I love Daniel
21:20he's a spunk
21:24moving right along
21:25a prized poodle
21:26was stolen
21:27from a Mittagong property
21:28if anyone sees
21:29this rare poodle
21:31with the face
21:32of Daniel Johns
21:35now from the people
21:36who brought you
21:3720 golden game show hits
21:38sing along with
21:39TV's greatest news themes
21:40and hooked on
21:41current affairs tunes
21:42comes a very special album
21:44for you
21:45and someone
21:45very very special
21:47yes at last
21:48TV's most memorable
21:49transmission breakdown music
21:51who can ever forget
21:52this magic moment
22:02or what about
22:04this old favourite
22:10there's the exotic
22:18or this grunge classic
22:20from Community Access Television's
22:21Channel 31
22:22oh shit
22:23look Richard
22:24we're totally rooted here
22:25have you got the sign
22:30music
22:30what
22:31music
22:38yes
22:39yes
22:39TV's most memorable
22:40transmission breakdown music
22:41available now
22:42I Neden
22:42I
22:42hope I FREE
22:43I
22:43I
22:43I
22:43I
22:43I
22:44I
22:46I
22:47I
22:47I
22:48I
22:48I
22:50I
22:52I
23:02I
23:12I
23:12I
23:21I don't know.
23:50I don't know.
24:12I don't know.
24:47I don't know.
25:12I don't know.
25:15I don't know.
25:48I don't know.
25:59I don't know.
26:08I don't know.
26:14I don't know.
26:34I don't know.
26:42I don't know.
26:45I don't know.
26:52I don't know.
26:55I don't know.
27:19I don't know.
27:23I don't know.
27:26I don't know.
27:33I don't know.
27:39I don't know.
27:43I don't know.
27:45I don't know.
27:46I don't know.
28:15I don't know.
28:15I don't know.
28:44during the bubble and squeak.
28:46And ahead in tonight's news,
28:48a busload of Japanese tourists face prison
28:51and take some lovely snapshots.
28:55Smiled all round for a Mill Park man
28:57who has a face on each side of his head.
29:01And it was certainly a case of I'll be a monkey's uncle
29:04for a Sydney man who this morning discovered
29:06that his sister is pregnant to an orangutan.
29:12But folks, the news.
29:13Well, the new government in Iran has said
29:15that they are no longer interested in killing author Salman Rushdie.
29:19A relieved Rushdie has stated, however,
29:21that coming out of hiding will be a slow process.
29:24First, he plans to stop wearing the wig,
29:26then get breast reduction surgery,
29:29and then tell the other Spice Girls that he's leaving the band.
29:36To New York now, where Minnie the Poodle has inherited $100,000.
29:41Of course, that's $700,000 in dog money.
29:46Well, take a pound of icing sugar,
29:48three ounces of pork fat,
29:49a pinch of curry powder,
29:51put it in my fridge overnight,
29:52and what do you have?
29:53Well, I've got no idea,
29:54but I want to know who put it there.
30:01And scientists say they have discovered
30:03the secret of eternal youth.
30:06Some people just never grow up.
30:10Well, the Howard government has recently put a stop
30:12to the controversial ACT heroin trials.
30:15We cross now live to one citizen
30:17who has been outspoken about the scheme.
30:20Enzo Cartelli, thanks for talking to us.
30:22Hello.
30:24Now, Enzo, you opposed heroin trials.
30:27You don't believe they would have benefited the community?
30:29No.
30:31You don't believe they would have reduced crime
30:33and overdose cases?
30:35No.
30:37So what you're saying is
30:39you don't believe people should be allowed
30:40to walk into a government office
30:41and get dangerous drugs for free?
30:43No.
30:45Why should I pay full price like everybody else?
30:49Now, what have you based this decision on?
30:52Research.
30:53Medical research?
30:54No.
30:55Oh, market research.
30:58Do you have a background in the medical industry?
31:00I'm in the hospital supplier business.
31:03You supply them with drugs and equipment?
31:06No, with the patients.
31:08Hi, hi, hi.
31:09No camera.
31:10No camera.
31:10No camera.
31:11No camera.
31:12Cart.
31:12Cart.
31:13Yes, well, good luck there, Enzo.
31:16Now, with her popularity appearing to be on the wane,
31:19independent MP Pauline Hanson is on the defensive.
31:22She joins me now in the studio.
31:23Miss Hanson, welcome.
31:28It's good to be here, Ian.
31:31So, Miss Hanson, what do you say to reports
31:33that your popularity is diminishing?
31:35No.
31:36I completely deny that.
31:38It's not demission.
31:39Dimission.
31:40Dim Simmon.
31:43Well, it's not what you said at all.
31:45Well, what is it doing, then?
31:47Well, it's just getting a bit smaller.
31:50I see.
31:50And why do you think that is?
31:52Well, it's because I'm continually being misquoted in the left-wing so-called politically
31:56correct media.
31:57And why do you think it is that you are continually being misquoted in the left-wing so-called
32:02politically correct media?
32:03Well, there you go again, Ian.
32:05Trying to put words in my mouth.
32:07I never said anything like that.
32:09So, what about your suggestion that we should investigate the religious beliefs of potential
32:13immigrants?
32:14Well, no.
32:15What I really said was that Australia is a Christian country and that we must look at
32:19the beliefs of immigrants.
32:21I see.
32:21And what do you base this on?
32:23Well, because Australia is a Christian country and, as such, is dedicated to the upholding
32:27of good, decent Christian values.
32:29Values like love and understanding and tolerance.
32:33And if the chinky-chinks and the tea-tailed heads don't like it, they can just piss off back
32:36to their own country.
32:37Yeah, so that doesn't sound very Christian to me.
32:40Well, that's what they do in other Christian countries.
32:43Like where?
32:44Well, in Iran, for one.
32:47Yes.
32:48I think you'll find Iran is a fundamentalist Muslim country.
32:53Oh.
32:55Well, in that case, I would like to distance myself from those comments.
32:58I'm sorry?
33:00I'm distancing myself from my earlier comments.
33:03So you're happy for non-Christians to enter the country?
33:07Um...
33:08But you just distance yourself from the earlier comments so that...
33:12Well, in that case, I want to distance myself from distancing myself.
33:18Well, I think at this point, Ms. Hanson, I think I'll distance myself from you.
33:21Please explore!
33:25Well, that's all we've got time for.
33:27But if you want to catch me this weekend, I'll be swimming at the end of Williamstown Pier.
33:31So why not throw in a line?
33:33I'm partial to worms and whitebait.
33:36And promise not to put up too much of a struggle.
33:39And don't forget, if you think I'm undersized, you can always give me a little kiss on the lips and
33:43toss me back in.
33:45Until then, good night.
33:55There's shots of movie stars doing the business.
33:57Lots of gossip about people you don't know.
34:02Athena's Star Woman does her bit.
34:03There's Feng Shui and you ate shit.
34:05And a pattern for a kiss that you can sew.
34:09There's a brand new diet plan that's really neat.
34:13Just listen to me sing each time you eat.
34:16You sure to bring it up?
34:18It's hard to keep it down.
34:20Now that sounds more like every woman's day.
34:35Yeah, alright, alright.
34:37Keep your shirt on.
34:39Well, the statue didn't even have any arms.
34:41No one's going to miss it.
34:42Fucking head.
34:44Look, crikey, how am I going to get out of this place?
34:46Beautiful.
34:48G'day, David.
34:50You just look after these for me, will you, mate?
34:56I'll bang them on you, Roger.
34:58Roger David.
35:01Great bag of fruit.
35:04G'day, heart holes.
35:07What are we looking at here?
35:08This is a bloody beautiful place, isn't it?
35:10What do you call this?
35:11The Louvre.
35:12Well, if this is the Louvre, I'd love to see the master bedroom.
35:17Hey, gangway, gangway, what are you just looking at?
35:20The Mona Lisa.
35:21Oh, yeah, bloody beautiful.
35:22Cool.
35:22Who drew it?
35:24It was painted by Leonardo da Vinci.
35:26Yeah, yeah, he's not bad, is he?
35:28He's no Ken Dunn, though.
35:29I mean, you wouldn't want that on your tea towel, would you?
35:31Hey, mind you, mind you, this Lisa must have been a bit of a goer, right?
35:35Because otherwise Leonardo wouldn't have called a Mona.
35:39Sir, that is one of the most valuable paintings in the world.
35:42Oh, steady on.
35:43She could go a beer.
35:44I mean, look at the look on her face.
35:45What's up her arse?
35:50Here we have a famous work by Picasso.
35:53Whoa, Picasso!
35:54Picasso!
35:54Ha, ha, ha, ha!
36:03Hello.
36:04This is, like, so good for my pecs.
36:07Anyway, time for this week's letter.
36:11Dear Pam, how can busy career women in today's world find time to give their children the
36:16attention they deserve?
36:18Oh, like, good question.
36:20Because I'm a busy career woman, too.
36:22On Baywatch, I had to do this once a week.
36:25And then I had to do this once a week.
36:28So, like, I'm totally busy.
36:29That's why I've never had time to have any kids.
36:32Hey, turn it out!
36:33What's that bizarre noise?
36:36Hey, babe, there's this weird little hairless dude in here crawling around, drinking like
36:41bourbon!
36:46Hey, stay up!
36:48Uh-oh, like, I totally forgot.
36:50That must be the baby I had last year.
36:54I wonder where that got to.
36:56Awesome!
36:57So, until next time, keep writing those letters, and I'll get someone to keep reading them to
37:02me.
37:03See you later!
37:07Hey, girls, are you tired of this?
37:15Or this?
37:22Go, you dumb man!
37:23Run!
37:24Run!
37:25Go!
37:25Or even this?
37:26Yes.
37:28Oh.
37:29Yeah.
37:30Yes.
37:31Yes.
37:35Then you need the Cyberguy 1000.
37:37The Cyberguy 1000 is a boyfriend of the future, because it does everything an ordinary guy
37:42doesn't do.
37:43And the Cyberguy is handy in the kitchen.
38:05And the Cyberguy is handy in the kitchen.
38:15Oh, my daughter, I worship you.
38:17Oh, Cyberguy, are you sure you don't want to watch the footy?
38:21Footy, footy, what is footy?
38:24That word does not comply with my vocabulary.
38:32The Cyberguy is a tiger in the bedroom, and he doesn't fart in bed.
38:37pew.
38:38Whah, come on, then or the internal need it.
38:45Oh!
38:45Ow!
38:46Ow!
38:48Ow!
38:49Ow!
38:49Ow!
38:50Ow!
38:50Oh, oh.
38:59Cyberguy 1000.
39:00Battery's not included.
39:04Well, what have we got now?
39:06Now, of course, we've come to modernism
39:08and, in fact, abstract expressionism.
39:10We have the work here of Jackson Pollock.
39:12A work entitled The She-Wolf.
39:14Oh, now, come on.
39:15This modern art is absolute bullshit.
39:18I mean, I don't see any wolf in there.
39:20I defy you to see a wolf.
39:22I mean, it's just splotches and dotches
39:24and all that sort of bullshit.
39:25That looks like the line on my bathroom floor
39:27after a big night on the turks.
39:30The splotches and the dots.
39:32No, I've got it.
39:32It's one of those 3D...
39:33Get out of the room, will you?
39:34It's one of those 3D things.
39:36You've got to go...
39:37You've got to...
39:38Do that.
39:39No, I still can't see a bloody wolf.
39:42I don't know about Jackson Pollock.
39:43I'd say Jackson's bollocks.
39:44Ha, ha, ha, ha.
39:48Ah, now, one of my favourites.
39:50The work of Peter Paul Rubens
39:52of the Flemish School.
39:54The Flemish School.
39:57Rubens, of course,
39:58quite famous for his lush depictions
40:00of the female nube.
40:01Oh, now, this is what I have come to see.
40:06Come to daddy.
40:08Oh, she's gone off.
40:18You're an admirer of Ruben's work?
40:20No, no, I wouldn't say I was a admirer of Ruben's work.
40:23I'd say I was more a admirer of the nude female form.
40:29Well, sir, could I suggest that you make your way to the south wing,
40:32where most of our Ruben's are kept?
40:33Oh, very much, south wing, sir.
40:38And, ladies and gentlemen, we might make our way to the north wing,
40:41where we'll find the oils.
40:42The oils in the north wing?
40:44Who'd have thought that, eh?
40:45Oh, the power and the passion.
41:00I don't want you to be no slave.
41:04I don't want you to work all day.
41:09But I want you to be true.
41:13And I just want to make love to you.
41:18Love to you.
41:31Barry's taken the day off.
41:33Reckons he's too knackered from shag a new lot.
41:37Nice tits.
41:39Thanks.
41:50And remember to use it externally next time.
41:57Next.
42:03Can I help you?
42:05No, I seriously doubt it.
42:06It's a waste of time.
42:07I don't even know why we came down here in the first place
42:10when I should be home sharing the ferrets.
42:16Do you wish to make a complaint?
42:18Of course I want to complain.
42:19Complaining's all I've got left.
42:21There's too many stairs, not enough bathrooms,
42:23and where do you go?
42:24There's never any soap in the dispenser.
42:25The birds sing too late outside my bedroom window each morning.
42:29I think it's a conspiracy.
42:30Those birds have got it in for me.
42:32You strangle one ostrich and they never let you hear the end of it.
42:35Uncle Richard.
42:37When did you purchase this product?
42:39Last Wednesday.
42:43Did you buy it here?
42:44Oh, yes.
42:45We've been shopping here since 1943.
42:47That was fact during the war.
42:48That was the Crimean War.
42:50We'd save up our coupons,
42:51then we'd rush down here to spend them.
42:53Now, 10 green coupons got you a blue coupon.
42:5620 blue coupons got you a red coupon,
42:58but you had to watch out for the black market.
43:00My grandad exchanged all these wed coupons
43:03for a pair of silk stockings.
43:04Mind you, he did have the legs for them.
43:06I'm mistaken now every time he nods,
43:07his bikini comes off.
43:11Look, I'm sorry.
43:12Could you explain to me as clearly as possible
43:14what is wrong with this product?
43:16It's so noisy, we can't hear ourselves think.
43:33They fill their magazines with celebrity pictures
43:36For which they pay enormous piles of cash
43:39So what if the paparazzi behave like photo-nazis?
43:44At least they'll take great pictures of the crash
43:47They pay millions for shots through private fences
43:51And never think about the consequences
43:55It's sick, there's no denying
43:57But we'll keep on buying
43:59Every issue of magazines like Women's Day
44:10Bloggling
44:11Evil
44:11Evil
44:12Evil
44:12Evil
44:14Evil
44:15Evil
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