- 3 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Nick, where are you? You mixed background, yeah?
00:02Just white?
00:04Is that what your mom told you?
00:10She said German, Cuban.
00:12She never told you you got some Cuban in you, did you?
00:14Just a little bit.
00:16It's nice you come out with your mom. I like that.
00:18Mom, you're single or are you dating anybody
00:20or are you with someone? Married.
00:22Married? Not to his dad, though.
00:24His dad? You didn't know your dad is Cuban?
00:28Okay, white family,
00:30you guys want to talk with each other?
00:32White people, don't give a shit.
00:34He just found out
00:36he's Cuban.
00:38You have a girlfriend?
00:40Yeah, you have a girlfriend too?
00:42Mom goes like, why?
00:44Why did you go like that?
00:46It's a lot?
00:48She's fat?
00:50What about her is a lot?
00:52She's adorable.
00:54They're in his room a lot.
00:56Mom, get it off your chest.
00:58I'm gonna help you tonight.
01:00You bring her home to your parents' home,
01:02you take her to your room,
01:04and you do a lot?
01:06Where's she from?
01:08They don't even know.
01:10They have such white guilt,
01:12he's scared to even ask.
01:14It's okay, you can ask her,
01:16what's your culture, what's your background?
01:18Mom knows he doesn't know.
01:20What is she?
01:22She's Latino.
01:23You didn't know.
01:24Now you know.
01:26Nick, come on, bro.
01:28I mean, you gotta ask her,
01:30so you learn about her culture,
01:32you can do things that she likes, yeah?
01:34You learn a couple of Spanish words,
01:36amor, amor.
01:38Buenas noches.
01:40You say a couple of Spanish words,
01:42she's like, oh my God, hey?
01:44Mom doesn't like that.
01:46No buenas noches, no amor.
01:48No amor.
01:50You just say goodbye,
01:52get the f*** out, yeah?
01:54How cool is that white kids
01:56can bring their girlfriends to their home
01:58and go to the room and do things?
02:00Look at the faces of all these brown people.
02:04You know this shit never happens,
02:06you understand?
02:08There are people here in their 40s, yeah?
02:10They can't, they're their parents,
02:12they got married,
02:14they got married,
02:16they got married,
02:18they got married,
02:19they got married,
02:20they got married.
02:22What are you doing with the wife?
02:24Nothing, nothing,
02:25she has her own room,
02:26I have my own room.
02:28You live in the same house?
02:30No, no, I mean,
02:31she has her own apartment,
02:32I have my own apartment.
02:33We just wave at each other, huh?
02:36You're very lucky that you can just
02:38bring your girlfriend home,
02:39you know these Arab guys here,
02:40the Persians and the Indians,
02:41none of us can do that.
02:42You think me growing up,
02:44I could just call my girlfriend,
02:46like come over,
02:47and then when she comes over,
02:48hi, come let's go to my room.
02:49My father,
02:51where are you going?
02:53What are you going in the bedroom?
02:55No, no, no, no, no,
02:57I come inside too.
02:59My father will sit there,
03:01okay, you touch,
03:03please touch.
03:05Tell her about your Iranian heritage.
03:07Who's your mother?
03:09Who's your father?
03:11My father will be interrogating the girl
03:13until she leaves the house.
03:15You're so lucky, man.
03:17That's so good.
03:18I'm very proud of your family,
03:19first of all.
03:20Listen, this is how cool this family is.
03:23They're so respectful to their kids' choices.
03:27Even Nick, at age 20,
03:29brings this girl,
03:31goes to the room,
03:33and the wife is in this room.
03:35The mom and dad sit outside,
03:37respectfully listening to this shit.
03:41And then when she leaves,
03:43mom goes,
03:44Nick, what were you guys doing?
03:45Nothing, we're playing video games.
03:49Ah, okay, that was a video game.
03:52Good.
03:53Yeah?
03:54This is how incredible these people are.
03:57And then you ask yourselves,
03:59why they grow up to be more outspoken
04:01and more confident?
04:03And our people,
04:04we have to hide everything.
04:05Huh?
04:06Respect your kids,
04:07give them love,
04:08try to change their choices
04:10by talking to them,
04:12by making friends,
04:13coming to a comedy show,
04:14allowing the comedian to say,
04:16Nick, get the fuck out of this situation.
04:19She's Latina.
04:20You understand what happens?
04:21She's gonna get pregnant in two months.
04:23You're gonna have five kids.
04:25Look at the moms.
04:26Thank you for saying this.
04:30Mom, I know if it happened,
04:32you're gonna have to babysit.
04:33I get it.
04:37Nick, just pull out.
04:39Would you?
04:40I didn't know this show
04:41was gonna turn into a science class.
04:42Yeah?
04:43You know,
04:44you have to wear protection.
04:45Yeah?
04:46And it doesn't matter
04:47what race the person is.
04:48That was just a joke.
04:49But in reality,
04:50Latinos can get pregnant by blowjobs.
04:52Did you know that?
04:54It's the only race in the world
04:56that can get pregnant
04:57by sometimes whispering in their ears.
05:00Like, amor, I love you.
05:02And she's like,
05:03Oh my God.
05:04Oh my God.
05:05Oh my God.
05:06It's a twin.
05:09It's over, bro.
05:12I want you to be a happy man
05:13and I want you to get somebody pregnant
05:15by choice, by marriage,
05:16by something appropriate
05:17because even her life
05:18is gonna be at jeopardy, yeah?
05:20You're a young man.
05:21You're gonna wrap this shit up, yeah?
05:23You have to help the community
05:24one person at a time.
05:25Give Nick a big round of applause.
05:27This kid is awesome.
05:32I love you, Mexico.
05:33What about Africans?
05:35Africans?
05:36Wait, it's not your turn yet.
05:39I'm going around the globe, okay?
05:41Africa is far away.
05:43If I go past the Arabs and the Armenians,
05:45they'll be f***ed.
05:47The Indians were,
05:48I would go in Europe,
05:49the Indians,
05:50I could hear India, India,
05:51mother much India.
05:52I know the order, okay?
05:54I first go to Europe
05:56because the Europeans wouldn't say shit.
06:00So I get them out of the way
06:01and then I go to India
06:02because Indians are fast.
06:03I'm like, I'm like,
06:04I'm going to go.
06:06Indians are ITs.
06:07They're like,
06:08mother f***er, Google and his mother
06:09are going to f*** them up.
06:11He didn't bring our names.
06:12I'm going to f*** them up right now.
06:14All of a sudden,
06:15my ranking in Google tanks.
06:19Then I have to go to Arabs
06:20because the Arabs are dangerous.
06:21They're sensitive.
06:22I flew from Michigan
06:23to mother f***er in Chicago,
06:24f*** this guy,
06:25buy the theater,
06:26can't send the show.
06:29In the middle of the show,
06:30they purchased the building,
06:32they can't send the show,
06:33we have to go home.
06:36Africa, you guys are nice.
06:37You wait a little bit.
06:41Africans are nice.
06:42Latinos are nice.
06:43Latinos, you see the Latinos,
06:44they didn't say anything.
06:45I'm sure there are Asians here.
06:46The Asians are not saying anything.
06:49Some cultures are very kind
06:50and very calm
06:51and very patient.
06:52Some cultures are...
06:58You came by yourself?
07:01He bought you a VIP ticket?
07:04It's your birthday gift?
07:06He's just your friend, huh?
07:07What a nice friend, huh?
07:10What a nice friend you have.
07:12He thinks so much ahead for your birthday.
07:16He buys VIP tickets to Maximini.
07:18Front row in the middle, right?
07:20This ticket is the hottest ticket in the house.
07:23He bought it for his friend.
07:27Look at me, my friend.
07:29My friend, look at me.
07:31What's your name?
07:33Mesa.
07:34Mesa, I'm honest to God,
07:35you're not trying to f*** her.
07:40You're just a friend?
07:42She's perfect?
07:43That's not what I asked.
07:47Since she's perfect,
07:48you're not trying to f*** her perfect?
07:52Yes or no, Mesa?
07:55You adore her,
07:56but you don't love her.
07:57And you're not trying to f*** her.
08:01So on your way,
08:02she goes, Mesa,
08:03it was the best show ever.
08:04Would you like to come upstairs?
08:06And you're like,
08:07yes, no problem.
08:08I'll come upstairs.
08:09And then you go upstairs
08:10and she's like,
08:11takes her clothes off.
08:12She's in lingerie.
08:14It's like, Mesa,
08:17I know you're my friend,
08:20but tonight,
08:22I need you.
08:23I need you.
08:26What do you say?
08:28No, I am just your friend.
08:31Sorry.
08:33Goodbye.
08:35Is that what's gonna happen?
08:37He says, no.
08:39He said, no.
08:41Really?
08:42I've been waiting for this moment.
08:43Who knows?
08:45I am ready, baby.
08:47He wouldn't even open it.
08:48He'd just go...
08:49Ah!
08:52Not your friend.
08:57Let me go to Africa.
08:58Africans.
08:59Morondi.
09:00Morondi?
09:01Morondi.
09:02Morondi.
09:03Oh, I know all about Morondi.
09:05He didn't say...
09:07Every morning I wake up,
09:08I go watch the pictures of Morondi first.
09:11B, B.
09:12Not a F.
09:13B.
09:14B.
09:15B, I know.
09:16I wanted to see if he knows.
09:19Honestly, I didn't know.
09:20I'm really grateful that you came to my show
09:22so I can learn about your country.
09:23So it's...
09:24Morondi?
09:25No.
09:26Morondi.
09:27Morondi.
09:28B.
09:29Burundi.
09:30Yes.
09:31Okay.
09:32What's your name, honey?
09:33Kainab.
09:34Kainab.
09:35Mom!
09:36Mom!
09:37Did you just hear what she said?
09:38My mom is Pakistani.
09:39My dad is from India.
09:40No!
09:41No!
09:42Mom!
09:43Mom, Pakistani.
09:44Dad, Indian.
09:45Dad, mom.
09:46Mom!
09:47Mom!
09:48Mom!
09:49Mom!
09:50Mom!
09:51Mom!
09:52Mom!
09:53Mom!
09:54Mom!
09:55You were born and raised in Africa?
09:56What a life you had, huh?
09:57Your parents married each other.
09:58One's from Pakistan.
09:59One's from India.
10:00And when their families found out...
10:01They're like, oh my God.
10:02We need to go far away.
10:03We have to go to a country in Africa that nobody finds us.
10:06I'm like, oh my God.
10:07We need to go far away.
10:08We have to go to a country in Africa that nobody finds us.
10:11Let's go to Burum B.
10:12The Pakistani was like, you know how to spell it?
10:13I am Indian.
10:14I'm spelling bee champion.
10:15It starts with B.
10:16B.
10:17B.
10:18B.
10:19B.
10:20B.
10:21B.
10:22B.
10:23B.
10:24B.
10:25B.
10:26B.
10:27B.
10:28B.
10:29B.
10:30B.
10:31B.
10:32B.
10:33B.
10:34B.
10:35B.
10:36B.
10:37B.
10:38B.
10:39B.
10:40B.
10:41B.
10:42B.
10:43B.
10:44B.
10:45B.
10:46B.
10:47B.
10:48B.
10:49B.
10:50B.
10:51B.
10:52B.
10:53B.
10:54B.
10:55B.
10:56B.
10:57B.
10:58B.
10:59B.
11:00B.
11:01B.
11:02B.
11:03B.
11:04B.
11:05B.
11:06B.
11:07B.
11:08B.
11:09B.
11:10misunderstood. I said, say something special. She said, it's the poorest country in the
11:15world. How are you feeling? You have a place to stay tonight? You feel so rich tonight?
11:27Did you rob somebody outside? Think about something positive. I come back to you. Yeah.
11:33Positive. Being the poorest is not the positive. Yeah. Maybe they have something special about
11:39the country. Maybe they import something. Maybe there is some sort of. They have the best tea and coffee.
11:46So does every other country. So does Sri Lanka, India, Iran. We all have tea. Okay. Japanese,
11:54Chinese. We have good tea. We have good tea everywhere. Yeah. Coffee. Vietnamese. Known for
11:58their coffee. They have the cats eat it and shed it and they make it. It's fantastic. Something
12:02special about something grows there that it doesn't grow anywhere else. Or maybe they have
12:06a building that is, you know, Jesus was born there and then one of the prophets may be there.
12:11Yeah. Maybe Abraham was there. I don't know. There's something special. Yeah. God damn it. Girl,
12:16don't ever come to my shows again. Go back to Burundi. I like that guy. What's your name, buddy?
12:27Dimitri. Dimitri. You're a third wheel tonight. You came out with the married couple, yeah?
12:36They're neighbors. Neighbors. We're neighbors. Okay. I got it. That's not the way you pick up
12:42somebody. We are neighbors. We are neighbors. How about a better like hand gesture? Like
12:46we're neighbors. Something like that. You know? Dimitri, what do you do? I'm a musician. You're
12:51a musician. What kind of musician? I play guitar. Oh, great. So you're homeless. Nice. Nice.
13:02Nick, do you know about Ramadan? No, you don't. Don't lie to me. I'm going to quiz you and you're
13:08like, uh, you don't know where Cuba is. You know about Ramadan? Really? A little bit? No. I'll tell
13:14you the whole thing. Ramadan is a holy month where Muslims, they don't eat from sunrise to sunset.
13:18They're not allowed to have sex. They don't have sex. Can you imagine you? Like, can you
13:22imagine? Your mom wants you to convert to Islam tonight. It's going to save the whole family
13:34a few babies, you know? Are you circumcised? Because when you convert, you've got to cut
13:39that dick. Mom's like, yes, cut his dick. Cut the whole thing off. Are you, are you Christian?
13:50Catholic? What are you? He doesn't even know you're so cute. It's like, mom, what are we?
13:55Uh, was it Jesus or was it Moses? I could forget it, mom. Which one are you? Catholic. Okay.
14:02So for example, ex-Catholic. Okay. Ex-Catholic. And let me tell you why. Because it also has
14:09to do with halal and haram. You know what halal and haram is? No? Okay. I'll tell you, I want
14:14you to come to my show and have fun, laugh and learn something and go, okay, what a crazy
14:19night that was. Yeah. See, when you go to the Catholic church, the priest that's very like
14:25appropriate with the boys, he's a halal priest. The priest that goes, Nick, come here. She's
14:33here. Let me baptize you. Ooh, you're so cute. That's a haram priest. See, I'm teaching him
14:41well, yeah? Professor Maximini's class.
14:49What about Macedonians?
14:51Macedonians? What is your music like?
14:54With Shakira. Is it good? Really good.
14:57Really? Yes. Can you Google Macedonian song?
15:00Really. Give me your best song.
15:03Shakira. Shakira. This lady goes Shakira.
15:08Do you have an authentic, awesome Macedonian song? Yes.
15:13What's it called?
15:13Makedonsko devolce. Oh, yeah, that one.
15:19I love how Joe is on his computer.
15:21That one? I love that song. Awesome.
15:30As you can count.
15:32fishing Yeah.
15:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
15:33Let me on.
15:34Right.
15:35Oh, yeah, yeah.
15:36A button
15:38That one, that one, that one.
15:39The one, that one, that one, that one, that one.
15:41Well, let me, you guys.
15:42Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:42Yeah, yeah.
15:44Okay, go back to the river.
15:45Okay.
15:51Amen.
15:53Hahaha
15:53Oh, yeah.
15:55If...
15:56That one, that one...
Comments