- 4 weeks ago
Herman and his inner thoughts (Genius, Angel, Wimp, Animal) taking a cruise to get over Elizabeth, only to find she's on the same ship, while Louise (Yeardley Smith) plans to lose her virginity to Davy Jones (from The Monkees), leading to comedic chaos and a cameo by Jones himself as a guest star.
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FunTranscript
00:00That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:02Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:06Yes. Please, focus!
00:08Look out!
00:16Hey, it's Jay!
00:19No time for small talk. We're late.
00:22Petty, hold the elevator.
00:24Heavy.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:35I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:37I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:40And I think you are all idiots.
00:42That's gonna work!
01:00What's the matter with you? You don't want to go out anymore?
01:13I've been busy.
01:14Yeah, I know what the problem is.
01:16You're still not over Elizabeth, blech.
01:19Jay, I am over Elizabeth.
01:22There, you see? You see?
01:24That girl was all over you. You didn't do anything.
01:26Well, she just smiled at me, Jay.
01:29Herman, if the woman smiles at you, she wants you.
01:32If she bumps into you, she wants you.
01:34If she says, do you know what time it is?
01:36She might as well be saying, take me right here.
01:39Herman, do you know what time it is?
01:45Take him, Herman.
01:48Sorry I'm late, Mr. Bracken.
01:49I'm glad you're here. I have an announcement.
01:51Louise and I are getting married.
01:53What?
01:55Just joking.
01:58I realized I needed to lighten up.
02:01Well, I'm glad it lightened you up.
02:04Because it nearly killed me.
02:07The real announcement is Waterton Publishing has just purchased a singles magazine
02:12whose largest advertises a cruise line.
02:15They are offering to all Waterton employees a free cruise to the Bahamas.
02:20A free trip? I don't buy it. Say, what's the scam, Bracken?
02:25Sorry. It's James Cagney week on TNT.
02:33It's a legitimate offer. I'll leave the sign-up sheet with Hetty.
02:37How about you, Mr. Bracken? Are you going on the cruise?
02:39I hardly think that would be appropriate.
02:41Come on, Mr. Bracken. It's a singles cruise. I'll bet there'll be people on that boat as desperate as you are.
02:47You really think so?
02:48It's a long shot, but it's possible.
02:51Come on, Mr. Bracken. I'll go if you'll go.
02:53All right, Louise. Let's do it.
02:56Paul, they'll lead her. Come on. This is exactly what you need.
02:59He's right, Herman. I think it'll help you forget about Elizabeth.
03:02I don't need a cruise to forget about Elizabeth. I'm over her.
03:04What's wrong?
03:09I miss her. I don't know what to do.
03:12I miss her. I don't know what to do.
03:15You can act like a man.
03:17But we're not over her.
03:20You're forgetting that all we ever did was fight with this woman.
03:23You wanted her, too.
03:24She's a brilliant writer. Of course I wanted her.
03:26Until she drove us crazy, now it's time to move on.
03:29Let me talk to her.
03:31Got the perfect solution.
03:33We go on this cruise and we pop some other chick.
03:40No. I don't want to pop some other chick.
03:43I want to pop Elizabeth.
03:45Look, it is not about popping anyone.
03:51It's a cruise. We'll relax. Get some sun. Get caught up on our reading.
03:55Okay, Jay. I'll go.
04:01Herman, you're doing the right thing.
04:03Thank you, Louise. I think I'm going to have a good time.
04:05It's time to get past Elizabeth. Elizabeth is very nice, but it's over with Elizabeth.
04:10We're through with Elizabeth. I bet you haven't even thought about her once since we boarded the...
04:13Duchess Elizabeth.
04:17Hey, Mr. Bracken.
04:18Hmm?
04:19What's in the doctor's bag?
04:21I have aspirin, antihistamines, seasickness, pills, muscle relaxers, patches, diuretics.
04:27And in case all that fails, a fifth of wild turkey.
04:32What, are you traveling with Elvis?
04:34After the last time I was on a boat, I'm not taking any chances. I don't ever want to be that sick again.
04:42Oh, pretty bad, huh?
04:43I was feeding the fish over the starboard side from Long Island to Key Biscay.
04:47Hey!
04:49Kevin, did you see who that was?
04:55Yeah! It's David Cassidy.
04:59You idiot, that's not David Cassidy! That, my friend, is Davy Jones!
05:03When is Davy Jones?
05:04You're sure that's not David Cassidy?
05:06You say that one more time, I'm going to have to kill you.
05:08David Cassidy was a member of the Partridge family.
05:10Davy Jones was one of the Monkees.
05:12The Partridge family was a made-up band on TV.
05:15The Monkees was a real rock group.
05:16They played their own instruments eventually.
05:20Now, now, now, do you see the difference?
05:22I guess.
05:23God, I've loved Davy Jones since I was in the fourth grade.
05:27But I was from afar.
05:30And now I'm a close.
05:34So, go talk to him.
05:35No, I couldn't do that.
05:37I don't know what I would say to him.
05:38Excuse me, but do you have the time, please?
05:41I love you!
05:43She means that she's a big fan of you.
05:45Who the hell asked you?
05:47What I mean is, I love you, Davy Jones.
05:49I love you!
05:51And what's your name?
05:53Louise Spitzer.
05:54I'm your number one fan.
05:55So tell me, tell me, what are you doing on this cheesy cruise?
05:59I'm here for a little R&R.
06:00I've been on tour promoting my new album.
06:03You got a new album out?
06:04Is it available in stores?
06:06Yeah.
06:06Yeah, it is.
06:07Hey, it was nice meeting you, but I've got to run.
06:10Oh, oh, before you go, could I just beg one favor?
06:13Certainly.
06:14Could I just get one small hug?
06:16Okay.
06:23All right.
06:24That'll be enough, I think.
06:26Can I have a little help here?
06:28Louise, you have to let go.
06:32I'm sorry.
06:33I'm sorry.
06:33I don't know what got into me.
06:36Louise.
06:37Jay, give me a hand, Louise.
06:38Don't let go of this guy.
06:39What got into her?
06:41I can't help it.
06:43I love Davy Jones.
06:44Davy Jones?
06:46Oh, hey.
06:48Hey, Jay.
06:49Jay, put Mr. Jones down.
06:51Oh.
06:52Hey.
06:53I should have gone to Disneyland.
06:57Oh, Herman.
06:58I've had an epiphany.
07:00I'm going to lose my virginity to Davy Jones.
07:03Louise, I thought you promised yourself you'd wait for marriage.
07:06Actually, I promised myself I'd wait for marriage or Davy Jones.
07:08But the second part was so outrageous, I never brought it up.
07:13Oh, Herman.
07:14I'd like you to meet Martha and Elizabeth.
07:17This is their first time on the Duchess Elizabeth.
07:21Yeah.
07:23This is great.
07:24Now I'll never get her out of her mind.
07:27Hey, she's in my chair.
07:28Of course she's in your chair.
07:30She's taking over, just like in real life.
07:32I miss her.
07:33Well, go talk to her.
07:34She's right over there.
07:35Oh, it's not the same thing.
07:37She's just a memory.
07:39Everything in this brain is just a memory.
07:41See this tricycle?
07:42It's a memory.
07:43It's not real.
07:45See this baseball mitt?
07:46It's not real.
07:48See this sledgehammer?
07:53Well, you get the point.
07:54I need the real Elizabeth.
07:56I'm going to call her.
07:57No.
07:57You're going to have to go through me.
07:59Go ahead, Jay.
08:00I'll meet you downstairs.
08:01Uh, yes.
08:05Hello, operator.
08:06I'd like to make a ship-to-shore call.
08:09You were saying?
08:14Hi, this is Elizabeth.
08:15Steve and I are at home right now.
08:17Please leave a message.
08:20Steve?
08:20Who the hell is Steve?
08:22Steve must be the guy she dumped us for.
08:24Could we have a little privacy?
08:29Oh, sure.
08:30Oh, I'm sorry.
08:31I can't believe it.
08:32We have to leave our own brain.
08:43I'm not thinking we should have some kind of signal
08:45in case someone wants to bring someone back to the room
08:47and, you know, be alone.
08:48Don't worry.
08:48I won't be bringing anyone back to the room.
08:50Yeah, I was talking about me, Herm.
08:52Okay, if I do this,
08:53you know what to do.
08:57Bunt?
09:00No, you get lost.
09:02Jay, I came on this cruise for some peace and quiet.
09:04I don't want to have to leave my room.
09:05All right, whatever you do,
09:06don't just sit here and think about Elizabeth.
09:08Don't worry.
09:09She's the furthest thing from my mind.
09:15Will you forget about me?
09:17It's over.
09:18I'm with Steve now.
09:20Oh, this is terrible.
09:22Let it go.
09:23I'm sure whoever this Steve character is,
09:25he couldn't possibly compare to us.
09:27That was incredible, Steve.
09:28You know, up until now, I've had to fake it.
09:33Oh, ouch.
09:35Oh.
09:36And who is responsible for this neurotic hallucination?
09:39That's me.
09:41You people are bringing me down.
09:42This is a cruise.
09:43We got the three B's here.
09:45Beer, babes, and food.
09:50Now we're in business.
09:57Let's go talk to that woman at the bar.
09:59I don't want to talk to the woman at the bar.
10:02Hi, Herman.
10:04Hi.
10:04Guess what?
10:05I was just down in Davy Jones' room.
10:07He's not at all what I expected.
10:08What'd you expect?
10:09I expected him to be awake.
10:11If he was asleep, who let you into his room?
10:15I crawled in through the porthole.
10:17I have this unique ability to fit into small spaces by dislocating my shoulder.
10:22I didn't know you could do that.
10:24Neither did I.
10:26Come on, Louise.
10:27Maybe you should leave the guy alone.
10:29Don't worry, Herman.
10:30I've opted for subtlety.
10:31Come on.
10:38I just took my body weight in pharmaceuticals.
10:41I feel remarkably well.
10:44Well, I did it.
10:45I found the richest man on the boat.
10:47That's great, Hetty.
10:48Look, I was just on my way over to the bar.
10:49Why don't you get your suitor and the four of us or have a drink together?
10:53Oh, I don't think Jonathan is old enough to drink.
10:55He's only 14.
10:57You're not going to go out with him.
10:59Are you kidding?
11:00It's perfect.
11:00He's a son of a Texas oil bear, and he's approaching a sexual peak,
11:05and I think the fresh air from this cruise will probably clear up that acne.
11:10That sounds like a dream come true.
11:13I thought we were going to talk to that woman at the bar.
11:15I can't do it.
11:17I can't stop thinking of Elizabeth with another guy.
11:19Oh, my God.
11:20Look, that house is on fire, and there's a kitten trapped inside.
11:24Oh, my God.
11:28Excuse me, Mr. Bracken.
11:29Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?
11:34Beer, please.
11:37Elizabeth!
11:41What are you doing here?
11:43I'm on a cruise.
11:44Thanks for clearing that up.
11:48Where's Steve?
11:49Steve?
11:50Who's Steve?
11:51Steve, the guy you're living with, the guy on the answering machine?
11:53Oh, I just put that on my machine so people wouldn't think I lived alone.
11:57Well, it worked.
12:00Get out of here!
12:03This is just great.
12:04I go all the way to the Bahamas to forget about you, and here you are.
12:07Well, it's nice to see you, too.
12:09I can't believe this.
12:10So what are we going to do?
12:12Well, let's try to salvage what remains of a vacation and go our separate ways.
12:16Fine.
12:16What can I do for you, Herm?
12:39Why are you dressed that way?
12:41We're playing Temple of Doom.
12:43Martha is wild.
12:45Look, I'd like to come in.
12:46She's not that wild.
12:48Jay, I've had a really bad day, and I'd like to rest in my own room.
12:52I can't help you, Herm.
12:53Jay, it's my room, too.
12:55I gave you the signal.
12:58I don't care about your stupid signal.
13:00Don't talk that way about the signal.
13:01The signal is sacred among men.
13:03You can't just violate the sanctity of the signal.
13:05All right, all right.
13:06How long are you going to be?
13:07Well, I don't know, Herm.
13:08She was pretty close, but now this interruption.
13:12Jay, Elizabeth is on this cruise.
13:14Oh, so you want to hide out in your room?
13:16Yeah, exactly.
13:17Herm, you don't have to hide from her.
13:19You came here to have a good time.
13:20Now go up there and meet women.
13:22I have got to go, man.
13:23Don't come back for an hour.
13:25Make that two.
13:26Hi, Mr. Bracken.
13:36Are you okay?
13:38I'm going to be fine, Louise.
13:40I just took some tranquilizer.
13:43You seem a little groggy.
13:45How many of those pills did you take?
13:47Somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen.
13:49Maybe you ought to go down to the dining room and get something to eat.
13:54I'm not hungry.
13:55Excuse me.
13:55I'm going for a drive.
13:57Mr. Bracken, stay away from the rail.
14:00Louise, I've lived in this house for 35 years.
14:04Walk up when you leave.
14:08Hi, Herman.
14:09Elizabeth is sitting right over there.
14:11Can you believe it?
14:11She's talking to another guy.
14:13No, Louise.
14:13I'm trying to ignore her.
14:15How can you ignore her?
14:15She's sitting right over there.
14:17Well, with your help.
14:18Oh, sorry.
14:19All right.
14:20Um, we'll talk about Davy Jones.
14:22Fine.
14:23I realized I was going about this the wrong way.
14:25I shouldn't have to go to him.
14:26He should have to come to me.
14:30Well, that didn't work at all.
14:32Hey, Davy Jones, wait up!
14:36Are you in mourning?
14:38No, I'm hiding from the sun.
14:40It makes me wrinkle.
14:41Since when did you become so concerned about wrinkling?
14:43Since Jonathan called me ma'am.
14:45Ma'am, that's what I used to call my mother.
14:48I'm all of her.
14:50Hey, isn't Elizabeth over there talking to another guy?
14:53God, that must be pretty humiliating.
14:55Yes, it is, Hetty.
14:56Thank you for mucking around in that open wound.
14:59Stop whining.
15:01Do something about it.
15:02Go over and talk to that other woman at the bar
15:04and make Elizabeth jealous.
15:06Hetty, that's not bad.
15:08With age comes wisdom.
15:14Hi.
15:15Can I buy you a drink?
15:16No, that's okay.
15:18It would mean a lot to me.
15:19It would mean a lot to me if you didn't.
15:23Hey, it's free drink.
15:24Come on.
15:25How can you say no to a free drink?
15:27No.
15:30That's one way.
15:31Look, that's my girlfriend over there.
15:32She's talking to a guy a half minute.
15:34You're jealous.
15:34Can't you just work with me?
15:36This is so pathetic.
15:37I know.
15:38Look, if you want to pretend that you're talking to me
15:41and buy me a drink,
15:42I'll sit here.
15:43How's that?
15:44Thank you, thank you.
15:44And if you feel like putting your hand on my shoulder...
15:47Okay.
15:47Okay.
15:48I won't push it.
15:51Hi.
15:51I'll have a Mai Tai
15:52and a strawberry daiquiri for my lady friend.
15:57I'd love to have dinner with you.
16:02Skinny dipping?
16:03You bet.
16:07As a matter of fact,
16:08I'm not wearing any underwear.
16:09Well, I've never tried it that way,
16:15but sure.
16:16Hey, watch it.
16:18No, you watch it.
16:18What the hell are you doing?
16:19I am having a conversation.
16:21Well, maybe she'd understand more of what you're saying
16:22if you put your tongue back in your mouth.
16:24If you didn't throw your drink at me,
16:25maybe I'd have my tongue in her mouth.
16:27Oh.
16:29So is that what you want?
16:30Some bubble-headed bimbo?
16:32Do you know,
16:32you really have a bad personality.
16:34Fine.
16:35Go with the bimbo.
16:36You'll be happy.
16:36Oh, that's right.
16:38I will.
16:43Oh, I really missed you.
16:44I missed you, too.
16:45Let's go to your room.
16:46We can't.
16:46They found a rat in my room.
16:47Let's go to your room.
16:48Okay, but Jay's in my room.
16:49I'll take my chances with the rat.
16:55Boy, that was a big rat.
17:02Herman, is that Elizabeth?
17:07Because you're not going to forget about her this way.
17:11Always a pleasure.
17:16Man, I'm exhausted.
17:17I need the signal.
17:19Yeah, I got to rest, Herm.
17:22Things with Martha got a little out of hand.
17:25Can you get me some more ice?
17:27We want to be alone.
17:29It's not going to happen, Herm.
17:30What about the sanctity of the signal?
17:33Well, that should tell you how much pain I am in
17:35if I have to violate the sanctity of the signal.
17:40Fine.
17:41I'll get the ice myself.
17:43Ow, ow.
17:45I'll be right back.
17:50Oh, she feels so good.
17:54What are you doing?
17:57Haven't you been listening to anything I've been saying?
18:00I'm sorry, what?
18:02I promise you, we are going to regret this tomorrow.
18:05I agree.
18:06This is about sex.
18:07It doesn't concern either one of you.
18:09So go sit in a corner.
18:10Well, can I at least watch?
18:11No.
18:13I'll think about Grandpa naked.
18:16Okay, you can watch.
18:17But don't say anything.
18:19I have one more thing to add.
18:21Yes, we have condoms.
18:22Peace.
18:24Aren't you going to run after me?
18:36I'm through chasing you, Davy Jones.
18:39Good.
18:42Are you sure you're not going to chase me?
18:45No.
18:46This is ridiculous.
18:47I made a complete fool out of myself over what?
18:49A child with fixation.
18:51Don't get me wrong.
18:52I still think you're dreamy.
18:54But I do have my dignity.
18:56Can I buy you a drink?
18:59Well.
19:00Okay, be cool.
19:01Don't blow it.
19:01Don't blow it.
19:03Okay.
19:04I said okay.
19:04Hey, what are you, Davy Jones?
19:06Get over here and sit down.
19:09Well, Captain, I need work speed now.
19:11Are we getting back together with Elizabeth?
19:28Don't look at me.
19:28Ask her.
19:29I'm all for it.
19:30I'm not.
19:32I thought you were.
19:33I was and I finished and I'm not.
19:35Figure it out.
19:38Look, a bit of her leg is showing.
19:40Wait a minute.
19:41Now I am again.
19:43There.
19:44It's all settled.
19:45We're back together.
19:47Okay.
19:47You want her back?
19:48Fine.
19:49Let's bring her back into our life.
19:52My God.
19:53This place is a mess.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Well, we've had a lot in our mind lately.
19:57If you're trying to be clever, you're going to have to do a lot better than that.
20:00Here's a recommended reading list.
20:01That should help.
20:03What do you have there?
20:04Nothing.
20:05Let's watch the sugar intake, shall we?
20:14And you.
20:15What are you always looking at me like that?
20:17You give me the willies with those puppy dog eyes.
20:22Nice having your back, isn't it?
20:27How do you feel?
20:28Not so hot.
20:30Me either.
20:31I think it was the all-you-can-eat pork buffet.
20:34I eat all I could eat.
20:38Oh, I didn't have the pork.
20:41I think it's us.
20:43Yeah.
20:44This isn't going to work, is it?
20:46I don't think so.
20:48I don't get it.
20:49We both love each other, so why doesn't this feel right?
20:53Maybe we don't love each other enough.
20:56Then why do we do this?
20:59Put off feeling badly for a while.
21:01I guess that's not a reason to get back together.
21:05I guess not.
21:07So.
21:09It's really over.
21:12What do you want to do now?
21:15You want to put off feeling badly for another hour and a half?
21:21Sure.
21:23Hi, Herman.
21:29Hi, Louise.
21:30Guess what?
21:30I spent the whole night with Davy Jones.
21:33We talked, he sang Daydream Believer, we danced in the moonlight, then he walked me to my room and he kissed me goodnight.
21:40You didn't sleep with him?
21:41Nope.
21:42When I look back on one of the most special nights of my life, I don't want to say I lost my virginity to a monkey.
21:50I see your point.
21:51So, was he upset?
21:53Well, naturally.
21:55But he went up to the Lido deck and last I heard, he was with some blonde bimbo.
22:01David, you go on ahead, I'll catch up.
22:04Oh, I can't believe it!
22:05I've dated a guy from the Partridge family!
22:07It's about time we landed.
22:11This is the longest flight I've ever been on.
22:13Wednesday, Thanksgiving at the Walsh's will be a night to remember on an all-new 90210.
22:27Then on Melrose Place.
22:29Allison's affair is over, but she may have more than...
22:32Hi, Dave McCall from WPR-RFM here.
22:34Flying Blind, followed by Whoop, up next on Fox TV 8.
22:39For Flying Blind.
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