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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and it's intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy!
00:23Hell yeah! Hell yeah, you motherfuckers! Hell yeah!
00:30Hell yeah! Hell yeah!
00:32Hell yeah!
00:33Hell yeah!
00:34Hell yeah!
00:35Hell yeah!
00:36Hell yeah!
00:37Hell yeah!
00:38Hell yeah!
00:39Hell yeah!
00:40Hell yeah!
00:41Hell yeah!
00:42Hell yeah!
00:43Hell yeah!
00:44Hell yeah!
00:45Racism solved.
00:46We all come together when a police officer humiliates himself.
00:50Welcome to Tosh.0.
00:51It's hard to gauge how much beige I have on right now.
00:54Or is it oatmeal?
00:55Perhaps khaki?
00:56Don't overthink it, Toshy.
00:58It's monochromosexual.
00:59Tonight, I hire the first law firm for stoners by stoners.
01:03I reboot Todd Glass's insensitive prank show.
01:06And back by popular demand, it's our Aussie Viddy of the Weekie.
01:11Now, there's no better place to learn how to ride a dirt bike than the concrete jungle of New York City.
01:16Injured in the line of duty.
01:26He is a hero!
01:28Enjoy your paid leave, deputy dipshit!
01:31Hell yeah!
01:32Hell yeah!
01:33Hell yeah!
01:34You motherfuckers!
01:35Hell yeah!
01:36Careful with the hell yeah's.
01:38One of them might accidentally walk into your apartment later.
01:41As soon as the camera cut out, the cops put the bike in a chokehold, then tased it, and gave it a ticket for a busted taillight just for good measure.
01:49All right, finally an answer to the question, can you die going seven miles an hour?
01:56Dewey fairways are the black ice of golf courses.
02:06Holy ****!
02:08Holy ****!
02:09You guys alright?
02:13Karen?
02:15Probably best not to waste your time looking for Karen in that rough.
02:18Just dig a new wife out of your bag and get on with the round.
02:21Maybe they have a separate tea box down there for f***ing idiots.
02:26Hope Karen didn't impale herself on one of those tiny pencils.
02:29Let's go to our public course reporter.
02:35Ooh, not an ideal lie.
02:38Karen is plugged super deep.
02:41The paramedics will have to treat her where she lies.
02:44Looks like she's around 50,000 yards to the nearest hospital.
02:50If the beer cart girl comes by, I'd say within the next 10 minutes, they may be able to salvage some of her organs, put them in the cooler.
02:59So sad.
03:01She'll be commemorated with a plaque on the ball washer at the 12th tee.
03:09At least Karen died doing what her husband loved.
03:12Okay, if Stallone can box into his 90s, so can she.
03:15Somebody is getting laid to night!
03:21Laid to rest!
03:23She's old as dirt!
03:25The first rule of Alzheimer's Fight Club is, what is Fight Club again?
03:30What kind of gym allows the trainer to butt f*** the boxers?
03:33She was a housewife in the 50s, so you know she can take a punch.
03:40Please kill me before I start wearing my watch over my sleeve.
03:43It's the early bird special!
03:44The old bag versus the heavy bag.
03:45The boom boom in the multipurpose room.
03:46Where in freshly soil depends, it's Dottie Riddle Bones Jones!
03:48In the fight of her life against undefeated Father Tom.
03:49Now she's coming in with a 3-0 record against osteoporosis this Saturday.
03:50But it could happen at any second.
03:51Sponsored by Loose Heart Candy.
03:52Moving on!
03:53If you're lucky enough to own .07 acres, you're not gonna let a little cockroach problem ruin
03:59your backyard.
04:00I support any plan.
04:01If you're lucky enough to own .07 acres, you're not gonna let a little cockroach problem ruin
04:05your backyard.
04:06I support any plan that involves pumping natural gas directly into your lawn.
04:13Now your dogs have PTSD.
04:16Apparently those cockroaches were running a lot of money.
04:19If you're lucky enough to own .07 acres, you're not gonna let a little cockroach problem ruin
04:21your backyard.
04:22I support any plan that involves pumping natural gas directly into your lawn.
04:27Now your dogs have PTSD.
04:32Apparently those cockroaches were running a meth lab down there.
04:37Flip-flops are the ideal footwear for nuking your backyard.
04:44Believe it or not, dynamite is actually the most effective way to get rid of fleas.
04:49Alright buddy, there's zero risk because as you know all dogs go to heaven.
04:53I'm devastated.
04:56I lost my best friend.
04:58I guess I should post a bunch of pics online and fill my sadness with likes.
05:01Another one.
05:02Another one.
05:03What new terrible CBS show is this?
05:14Now let's see why a three second nap behind the wheel is more invigorating than nine hours
05:19of bed sleep in this week's breakdown.
05:24Welcome to the world's most depressing road trip.
05:26His father's son do or driving on either I-24 or I-40 near Nashville.
05:31Nashville, where everyone has an acoustic guitar and the same stupid dream.
05:36Nobody has a passenger facing dash cam unless they're a hall of fame drunk driver.
05:41Between the son's heart and the dad's age, they're in a neck and no neck race to the death.
05:46Send a petition to President Trump.
05:49Rob Dawson, Fox News.
05:51Of course these two aristocrats are listening to Fox News radio.
05:54If seething anti-immigrant rage can't keep you from falling asleep, nothing will.
05:59A recent string of water bucket attacks on police officers.
06:02Oh, I don't think he has enough teeth to do the bite your tongue to stay awake trick.
06:06Stop doing it anyway!
06:12That guy pushed me in the damn road!
06:16Oh!
06:17Nobody cut you off, you old lion sack of deplorable turds!
06:23Props to Rick and Morty for knowing the average size of their fan base.
06:29Calm down, big boy.
06:30Your body is one giant airbag.
06:32Get off!
06:33You're going to crutch my cars.
06:34F*** this shit!
06:35Too fat, too furious.
06:37He was probably pissed because he was having the most amazing dream about Pizza Hut's new Cheez-It Pizza.
06:42Oh, get off!
06:44Get off!
06:45The guy came, that white car came and hit me!
06:48Huh?
06:49At least he didn't blame it on a black car.
06:51Or a yellow car.
06:52Or a Muslim car.
06:54That's something.
06:55I admit there are truly awful people on both sides.
06:58Anyone listening to NPR would have been put to sleep 200 miles ago.
07:01But I'd rather be diagnosed as mildly libtarded than look like I crawled out from a nuclear waste site.
07:07Now, put on that new god-awful abomination of a Kanye album and drive off a cliff.
07:12And for that, we thank you.
07:15But first, Tony really wants this guy to try Frosted Flakes.
07:20Pop Brothers at Law, it's Shut the F*** Up Friday.
07:34Of course, we review the script.
07:36What do you say when the cops first pull you over?
07:38Why'd you pull me over?
07:39And when they ask questions?
07:40About discussing my day.
07:41And they keep asking questions?
07:43Am I being detained? Am I free to go, sir?
07:45And if detained, what do you say?
07:47I invoke the fifth, and then what do you do?
07:50I shut the f*** up.
07:52See this right here?
07:53This was saved because my clients listened to us.
07:55They didn't consent to a search that was warrantless.
07:57And this is what we get to do now to celebrate.
08:04How'd they ever puff-puff pass the bar exam?
08:08Obviously, it didn't involve a pee test.
08:10The dankest lawyers in the game are the Wassermans, better known in smoking circles as the Pot Brothers at Law.
08:16If you're stupid enough to get arrested for smoking weed in a state where smoking weed is legal,
08:21you deserve to be represented by someone who's seen the Big Lebowski 300 times.
08:26They're like Rudy Giuliani.
08:28If they're your lawyers, there's a 100% chance you're guilty.
08:31They got Instagram famous for making videos that teach a simple nug of legal advice.
08:35Shut the f*** up.
08:37It's super effective, except for the part where it requires potheads to remember stuff.
08:42If a cop tries to pull you over, I recommend you calmly scream out your window,
08:47I'm white, even if you're not.
08:50Then, put your blinker on like you're about to pull over and slowly drive to Mexico.
08:55The only lawyers I need are my cousin Vinny and Aaron Brockovich.
09:00Object to these, you pussies.
09:02But since all my viewers are high right now, I legal zoomed the Pot Brothers to Hollywood,
09:07where all my viewers are high right now.
09:09Wait, didn't you just say that?
09:11No, you're being paranoid!
09:13In this week's Cewebrity Profile.
09:22Oh, shit.
09:24Daniel!
09:25Shut the f*** up!
09:26They're listening, man.
09:27Right.
09:28Aren't you a little old to be in college?
09:30Oh, there's no law that says you have to be in college to live in the dorm.
09:33Yeah, I think there is.
09:34Tell that to the 500 grand I paid to be the RA.
09:37Sit down.
09:38Are you guys actual brothers?
09:39We are, yes, actually brothers.
09:41We're both actually attorneys and we both actually smoke pot.
09:45Pot Brothers at Law here with a little bit about DUI.
09:48Is that something that you want your lawyers to be stoners?
09:52When you say stoners, we're trying to change that image.
09:55Okay.
09:56We want people to think stoner, businessman, attorney, doctor.
09:59You're always staggered in your videos.
10:01Why is that?
10:02Well, that's just kind of how it worked out when we first started Instagram.
10:05Standing next didn't work and it just kind of worked out like that.
10:09It's shut the f**k up Friday.
10:11Shut the f**k up.
10:12Shut the f**k up.
10:13Shut the f**k up.
10:14Shut the f**k up.
10:15Shut the f**k up.
10:16Shut the f**k up.
10:17Shut up.
10:18You recommend the same thing across the board?
10:19We say it works for everybody.
10:20If you get arrested, it's going to help you.
10:22It may help you not.
10:24Hold on.
10:25I got a customer.
10:26Hey, can I score some waves?
10:28Shut the f**k up.
10:29Here.
10:30Thanks.
10:31Well, when did you guys start working together?
10:34After Henry died.
10:36Well, I don't want to bring up Henry.
10:40It really started when my son wanted to be in the cannabis business.
10:44Your website clearly caters to stoners because it looks like the cover of Ben and Jerry's.
10:49We decided that we didn't care what people thought.
10:52I'm not going to change how I dress or what I do.
10:54Or change the font on your website to be less cartoony.
10:58Do you always wear sunglasses inside?
11:00People f**king love sunglasses.
11:02They love sunglasses.
11:03I'm going to be honest with you.
11:04The sunglasses are like the 14th most crazy thing about this whole look.
11:10Now, has the legalization of marijuana negatively affected your business?
11:15Absolutely not.
11:16Oh, okay.
11:17Because it's not really legal.
11:18Under 28 grams, it's legal.
11:21Over 28 grams, you could be going to jail for up to a year.
11:24Now, would you guys be for legalizing all drugs?
11:28Yes.
11:29I think so.
11:30That's right where I'm at.
11:32Guys, be cool.
11:33The captain of the football team is here.
11:36Tosh, you got some weed for me?
11:38Shut the f**k up.
11:39Yeah, it's here.
11:40Good luck this weekend.
11:43You haven't always been an attorney.
11:45No.
11:46Before that, you were in show business.
11:47I was.
11:48Your IMDb page is a mile long.
11:50I've done quite a few things in my day.
11:52You were in Showgirls 2.
11:53Oh, yes.
11:54Follow-up question.
11:55There was a Showgirls 2.
11:56There was.
11:57We're filming on the Studio Pictures Backlot in Hollywood.
12:02You were on the Wonder Years?
12:03That's a good one.
12:04I wasn't on the Wonder Years.
12:07I delivered and picked up film and dailies to the Wonder Years set.
12:11There was a time that you were a little more loaded.
12:13Filming yourself just drinking away.
12:15That was a movie called Falling Down.
12:18Separate from the Michael Douglas Falling Down.
12:20I actually gained 50 pounds.
12:21You gained it for the role.
12:22I gained it for the role.
12:23I thought this was a whole movie that I was watching.
12:25No, no, no.
12:26Of you in a bar just drinking by yourself.
12:27No.
12:28Why are rappers such big fans?
12:30We're with Too Short and KB.
12:32We have an amazing guest for you.
12:34Mr. 2 Chainz.
12:35How you doing, sir?
12:36While we were coming up on social media,
12:38we went to the High Times Cannabis Cup and Chalice,
12:41and we were trying to educate people back then
12:43how to do things properly and how to protect themselves.
12:46Be honest.
12:47That really wasn't McConaughey in that video.
12:49That really was.
12:50Moondog, what do you do?
12:52Shut the up.
12:55There is no scenario where he shuts the up.
12:58I saw you guys outside,
13:00and somehow you made the entire parking lot reek of weed,
13:03and that's impressive.
13:04Well, that was our medication.
13:05I don't know that it was you.
13:06No, no, no.
13:07It was us.
13:08It was us.
13:09We're happy to say.
13:10We are way out of the green closet.
13:11Gotcha.
13:12Sorry.
13:13It's the dean.
13:14Hi.
13:15I'd like some...
13:16Shut the up.
13:17Marijuana.
13:18Yes.
13:20Where'd you go to school?
13:21Western State University College of Law.
13:23Does the bar need to be raised?
13:25Is it too easy?
13:26Yes.
13:27Who's the worst person you've ever represented?
13:29I mean, obviously you can't say exactly who the person is.
13:32Come on, Dean.
13:34Oh, yeah.
13:35He was a scumbag.
13:38But he still has rights.
13:40Scumbags have rights.
13:41Of course they do.
13:42Scumbags have rights.
13:43What percentage of cops do you think are bad?
13:45I would say it's a smaller percentage.
13:47If you look at most of these videos where people getting tased and stuff,
13:50while some of it's completely out of line,
13:52it could have been prevented by the guy just not being a dick.
13:55He says get out of the car.
13:57You follow his directions.
13:58Have you ever thought of coming up with scripts,
14:00like shut the up Friday for other crimes?
14:03Like for murder?
14:04It's for everything.
14:05It's for everything.
14:06Am I under arrest or do I have time to move this body?
14:10Asking am I under arrest?
14:12Good.
14:13The rest of it, don't say it.
14:15What about prostitution?
14:16Am I under arrest or can I finish this guy off?
14:19Well, so long as there wasn't an actual contract for sex.
14:23And no money exchanged, finish them off.
14:25Then you can finish them off.
14:26You know, maybe it was two consenting adults.
14:28Finish away.
14:29Police, open up.
14:34What's going on here, guys?
14:35Having a little party?
14:36I'm not discussing my day.
14:37I'm not discussing my day.
14:39We have reason to believe you've been distributing marijuana.
14:41Am I being detained?
14:42Am I being detained or am I free to go?
14:45Do we have permission to search the premises?
14:47Just shut the f**k up.
14:48Shut the f**k up.
14:49No.
14:51Shut the f**k up.
14:52No.
14:53What'd you just say to me?
14:54Shut the f**k up.
14:55You don't tell us to shut the f**k up.
14:57We're the cops.
15:05It could have been worse.
15:06We almost did a Bird Box 2 parody.
15:09But first, the less mind you have, the easier it is to blow.
15:12So, when you put your shirt inside your pants,
15:14you're tucking in your shirt into your pants, right?
15:16So, when your shirt is out of your pants,
15:18does that mean that your pants is tucked into your shirt?
15:21It's really bad.
15:22What?
15:23I don't make bad decisions.
15:24You know who makes bad decisions?
15:25You.
15:26That's why you're in a band with a grown adult.
15:28You are stupid.
15:29Did you sit alone on her f**king stupid pregnant face?
15:34Why don't you just tell the whole campus?
15:35Hey, everybody, I'm a whore.
15:36I'm getting f**ked by everybody.
15:37You are a stupid pile of s**t.
15:38That gun can't even hold enough bullets to kill all these kids, you stupid pile of s**t.
15:41You got some f**king dumb coming.
15:42You want to say now, mother f**king?
15:43Can't do it.
15:44You're on my awful prank show.
15:45I'm Todd Glass.
15:46I'm a comedian.
15:47Todd has done everything in his power not to age, but the same can't be said for his awful prank show.
16:02Putting it on Tosh.0 is the only thing I regret in my entire career.
16:06You're on my awful prank show.
16:07I'm Todd Glass.
16:08I'm a comedian.
16:09Todd has done everything in his power not to age,
16:11but the same can't be said for his awful prank show.
16:13I'm a comedian on Tosh.0 is the only thing I regret in my entire career.
16:17It just doesn't hold up.
16:18You see, these days, comedy is less about being funny and more about being not funny.
16:23But I'm not just going to cancel Todd.
16:26I'm going to force him to grow and evolve his entire bit
16:29and make it more snowflake friendly for our current woke climate.
16:34You shine glasses.
16:35Subtle.
16:36Great show.
16:37It's really subtle.
16:43That's not regular soy sauce.
16:48That's low-sodium soy sauce.
16:50I switched the lids.
16:51I'm comedian Todd Glass.
16:52You're on my subtle prank show.
16:54It lacks the flavor and punch of your traditional soy sauce, you f***ing moron!
17:00Well, it looks like I just added two years to your life, you dumb soy-loving imbecile!
17:06Stupid!
17:08Stupid!
17:10It's really subtle.
17:13You smell that?
17:14I spent seven and a half hours last night repainting your entire office.
17:18It's one shade lighter.
17:22How did you dipshits not notice that your walls went from evening moss to Tuscan Grey?
17:28Nothing?
17:29Oh, I just walk around.
17:30Oh, I don't notice anything!
17:31Thank Jesus that you don't work at my local Sherwin-Williams!
17:35Let me ask you a question.
17:37Are you colorblind?
17:38Or just a huge sack of shit?
17:42You're such a narcissist!
17:44You don't pay attention to anything but you!
17:46I hope everybody you love either dies or leaves you.
17:50It's really subtle.
17:52There were never any cupcakes there.
17:58I put an empty tray on the table.
18:00It's Wednesday!
18:01Who the f*** brings in cupcakes on a Wednesday?!
18:06Nobody's the answer!
18:08I have a Netflix special!
18:10People bring me cupcakes!
18:11I'm not making baked goods for whatever the f*** your name is!
18:15I drive a Jeep Wrangler that my very successful actor friend is loaning me!
18:21By the way, those crumbs are not even from cupcakes!
18:24They're from muffins!
18:25This whole office is full of f***ing idiots!
18:28Get the f*** off!
18:30Ah, f***!
18:32Subtle.
18:34Just because it's subtle doesn't mean it stopped being awful.
18:37Moving on!
18:38Shrek is way more entertaining when you can't hear Mike Myers' voice.
18:42Redirects a little bit.
18:43Make sure they get that push!
18:45Into that tunnel.
18:46Nice job.
18:47Get to the back side of this jump.
18:49Andrea, hang in there!
18:51Thought maybe she might have got lost for a quick second.
18:53We're taking the long way around everything, it looks like.
18:56But this is a young, young dog.
18:59Through the repulse.
19:02Somebody once told me the Shrek franchise is nothing without Smash Mouth,
19:07and that somebody was Guy Fieri.
19:09We'll be right back with more of the untitled Thomas Markle Project.
19:19Welcome back to the only TV show that's proud to be the 2019 recipient of the Gary Twain Prize for mediocre humor.
19:25Next week, I sip rose with this divorcee.
19:29Dumped wife's revenge is all about being fabulous.
19:33I hope to inspire you, and I hope to show you how to have more fun in life.
19:39Ah, she's an oldie but a goodie.
19:41Hopefully she'll still be on the market when I go down under.
19:44Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:47The Tosh Saves the World charity show is going to be in Tucson this year with Sarah Tiana and a kinder, gentler Todd Glass.
19:54You can also see me in Phoenix, West Palm Beach, Reno, and Honolulu.
19:57And for you guys who are not in my hemisphere, I'll be performing in Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne.
20:02I'll be sure to pepper my act with tons of fascinating facts, like Australia's dingo fence is longer than the Great Wall of China.
20:10Now, without further ado, it's the Tosh Point.
20:13Oy, oy, oy, Aussie, video of the wiki.
20:15Grab the tooth, then you put the cardboard on top, and I'll bang it.
20:20But I must see what I'm doing.
20:22Are you ready?
20:24Now?
20:25Yeah.
20:27Bob's your uncle.
20:28Crikey, those are some festy chompers.
20:30Thankfully, koala meat is super tender.
20:33There you go.
20:34Now.
20:35Yeah.
20:36Yeah.
20:37Thank you very much.
20:38Do they know they can avoid this by brushing their teeth?
20:41Remind me to bring Sonicares to give to the local children.
20:45All right.
20:46Get ready to be real smart, because this week's free green screen book is Letter R of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
20:52Good night.
21:00받 with thisorta.
21:01Stay in touch with folks.
21:03Hey, come on!
21:04Hi, guys.
21:05Go.
21:06We got loads that Douglas Cemuanya.
21:07Have a Declared.
21:09Check out all the yellowwood rings We have Moody rings.
21:10See You probably too.
21:11Bye.
21:12Do teek.
21:13See You.
21:14Miche shame carne candy Corners.
21:16You are able to use it as nurses'.
21:18Didn't irrelevant the Lucy.
21:19Don't know who all the yelling talking to you.
21:21What's through?
21:23Did you have two thousand diseases?
21:24Was that true?
21:25Not big initiative.
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