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TVTranscript
00:01Now clean the drain plug out before you put it in and don't over tighten it.
00:05Change your oil every 3,000 miles, your engine will last practically forever.
00:09All right, Al, let's get cleaned up.
00:12Now, when we're cleaning up, you want to treat your tools just like a member of your family.
00:16That's right. Al even invites his tools over Thanksgiving.
00:22Even his hammer-in-law.
00:24My point is, when you have a greasy tool, it's best to clean it up with Binford's Super Solvent.
00:31I might also add that this same solvent can clean engine parts when soaked overnight.
00:36Overnight? What happens if you have that 2 a.m. hankering to rebuild your motor?
00:42Then you would want to call 1-800-COO-COO.
00:47Al has that number on his speed dialer.
00:50Point I'm trying to make is, to get the real gunk off engine parts, I've come up with a new concoction.
00:57You dip it in this stuff, boy.
01:00Whew! Stand back.
01:02Whew, boy.
01:04Dip those engine parts in there, it'll be so clean you can see yourself in them.
01:08In Al's case, that's not a real good idea, though.
01:12Dirty piston? A thing of the past.
01:14In Tim Taylor's Super Duper Solvent. It's high-energy.
01:20That's 1-800-C-U-C-K-O-O.
01:34Before we sign off, I'd like to tell you a little bit about some upcoming shows.
01:38Former President Jimmy Carter's favorite organization, Habitat for Humanity, will be here in Detroit, and Al and I will be helping him build.
01:45That's right. Habitat works with needy families and volunteers who get together and build affordable homes.
01:51They offer a hand up, not a hand out.
01:52Very well said, Al. For this special Habitat project, in association with the NFL, we'll be providing some celebrity volunteers.
02:00Some of the Detroit Lions, from the Denver Broncos, John Elway.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:04And the heavyweight champion of the world, Evander Holyfield.
02:07Working with me, alongside us, will be common folk like Al and his friends.
02:10Tim and I will both be in charge of building a house, and we're going to do this in only three days.
02:20Three days. I'll build my house in one day.
02:24That's including lunch, a nap, and two hours and a port-a-potty.
02:27It's not a competition, Tim.
02:35Really? I bet you can't even get near a port-a-potty after I've been in there two hours.
02:57I'll be right back.
03:27Hey, Randy.
03:33Check this out.
03:37Looks like real gold.
03:39Yeah, I found it in the alley.
03:41Ashley's birthday is on Friday.
03:43I was going to get her a new biker flector,
03:45but I think this is even better.
03:48You think?
03:53Oh, here comes Mom.
03:54Don't tell her about the lock.
03:57Hi, Brad.
03:58Oh, hi, Mom.
04:00Bye, Mom.
04:02Hey, Randy.
04:03Hey, Dad.
04:03Hi, honey.
04:08Well, got dinner barbecue from Bitso Pig.
04:14Great, great.
04:16Hey, Marie and I watched your show today.
04:19Why?
04:21There's nothing else good on.
04:23You didn't tell me that you were involved in building those houses for Habitat.
04:29Didn't I mention it?
04:31No, you didn't.
04:31You know, I'd really like to help.
04:33That's why I didn't mention it.
04:35It'd be fun.
04:36The two of us could work together on the same team.
04:38I don't really think that's a good idea.
04:40Why not?
04:41Well, I read somewhere that husbands and wives shouldn't work together.
04:46Where did you read that?
04:48Husbands and wives shouldn't work together illustrated.
04:52We get it done at work.
04:54Hmm.
04:54I wonder what they'd say about that in that magazine that I get.
04:59Married to an idiot monthly.
05:04Jill, under normal circumstances, I'd love to have you with me, but this is construction.
05:08You just don't want a woman on your team, is that it?
05:11No.
05:12This is lifting, loading, shoveling.
05:15You know, for that, you need testosterone pumping, muscle churning, bone crushing male power.
05:21Ah, ah, ah, ah.
05:24Ow.
05:33Hi, Tim, the two-man Taylor here, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
05:37We're here on location at a Habitat for Humanity job site.
05:41Now, Al's team and my team will be building a house similar to this one that's already been started.
05:44That's right, Tim.
05:45Although one of us has stacked the deck.
05:48I don't know what you're talking about, Al.
05:49Let's go down to the vacant lot and meet the team, starting with the winning one, mine.
05:56All right, let's meet Team Taylor, shall we?
05:59John Elway from the Denver Broncos.
06:01Mile-high guy, huh?
06:03Good-looking man, too, yeah?
06:04Sean Jones from the Houston Oilers.
06:06Another mile-high guy.
06:08He looks good in cotton, doesn't he?
06:10All right.
06:11Bill Paquill from the boy.
06:12Little help to a mess.
06:14New York Jets.
06:15All right.
06:16Okay.
06:17Ken O'Brien from...
06:18Wherever it'll take me, Ken.
06:19Philadelphia Eagles, of course.
06:21Now, we also have...
06:22Evander Holyfield.
06:23And Calvin Pritchett from the Lions do here, but they're not here yet.
06:27Huh.
06:27Well, I've been waiting since 7 o'clock in the rain.
06:29Where are those guys?
06:30Why don't you tell Holyfield you're unhappy about it?
06:33Well, maybe I will.
06:35This could be interesting, huh?
06:36Well, you guys ready to get some serious building done?
06:39Ah-ha-ha-ha!
06:42Let's go take a look at Al's team, shall we?
06:44Right.
06:47Well, the first member of Team Al I would like you to meet is Tim's wife, Jill.
06:53Hi. I'm very happy to be out here working for such a worthy cause.
06:57Next we have the reigning Miss America, Miss Kimberly Aiken.
07:02Hi.
07:03Welcome aboard.
07:03Thanks.
07:04Hi, Kimberly.
07:05Tim Taylor, good to have you on.
07:07Hello.
07:08You wearing that crown under your hat there?
07:11Yeah, and I have my evening gown on under my overall.
07:16This here is Gwen, number one.
07:18She's been working on Habitat Houses for, what, ten years?
07:20Ten years.
07:21And this is Gwen, number two.
07:23She is a professional plumber.
07:25And Denise here is a master electrician.
07:29Well, isn't that just dandy?
07:31This team can build a house.
07:33My team can bench press a house.
07:35Yeah, it'll make it a lot easier to dust under it.
07:37Yeah.
07:38Well, you met the teams.
07:41Now we start building.
07:42So stay tuned.
07:47John, what are you doing?
07:48Have a little breakfast while we look at the plant.
07:50Do I know you?
07:53Eric Kipple.
07:54Eric Kipple.
07:55Quarterback for the Lions.
07:56Yeah.
07:57Didn't recognize you.
07:57Not flat on your back.
08:01All right, guys.
08:01Let's get to work.
08:03Hey, you're the tool man.
08:04What do you want us to do first?
08:05All right.
08:06We're going to build the walls and then put them all up together.
08:09Same time.
08:09All right?
08:10Tim, it says here we should put these walls up as we build them.
08:13Yeah, that way we know if it fits.
08:14Eric's right, Tim.
08:15I think we should stick to the plants.
08:17Yeah.
08:19John, you're a quarterback.
08:20You know you don't always stick with the plants, okay?
08:22Yeah, but we're not playing football.
08:23We're building a house.
08:25All right.
08:26I'm going to say this once.
08:27You guys know how to tackle.
08:29I know how to spackle.
08:30All right?
08:32Hey, Holyfield.
08:33Evander, give me the donut.
08:40I don't think so, Tim.
08:46Calvin, where you been?
08:47Tim, you gave me wrong directions.
08:49You should have checked them twice, right, Evander?
08:51Hey, you gave me the wrong direction, too.
08:53Yeah?
08:53Yeah.
08:54I'm going to walk.
08:55Wait a minute.
08:56Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box?
08:57I don't know.
09:03Not like I would.
09:06Why don't we build that house?
09:08Nice-looking shirt.
09:11This is a house that Jack built y'all.
09:15Remember this house.
09:19This was the land that he worked by hand.
09:21It was the dream of an upright man.
09:24There was a room that was filled with love.
09:26It was the love that I was proud of.
09:29This is the life, the life that he planned
09:32On the love of the same old love
09:34In the house that Jack built
09:35The house that Jack built
09:36Remember this house.
09:40There was a fence that held out love.
09:42Yes, it was.
09:43There was a gate that he walked out of.
09:45With my heart, it has turned to sound.
09:47Yes, it is.
09:48This is a house that ain't no home.
09:50This is the land that I've destroyed.
09:53Yeah!
09:53That I've toyed with love
09:55In the house that Jack built
09:56The house that Jack built
09:57I'm going to remember this house.
09:59Oh, what was the use of crying
10:04You know I brought it all myself
10:08As you know tonight
10:09But it's...
10:12Hey, Randy.
10:16Great news.
10:18Ashley loved the lock-in.
10:19She's crazy about me.
10:21All right.
10:22You know, this girl thing is pretty easy.
10:25Just gotta keep finding jewelry in the street.
10:27Hi, guys.
10:30Hey, boys.
10:30Hey.
10:31You know, Tim, you were absolutely right.
10:33Couples shouldn't work together.
10:34If I were on your team,
10:35I'd be way behind, too.
10:39We're not way behind.
10:40We're pacing ourselves.
10:42And why do you turn everything
10:43Into a competition?
10:44I don't know.
10:45I just can't help it.
10:45I guess it's just my estrogen-pumping,
10:47Bone-crunching, feminine side.
10:52Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt.
10:54Yeah, with Al and a team of girls.
11:01You're losing to girls?
11:07I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl.
11:10She's almost professional.
11:11I heard in her talent competition
11:13She put up drywall.
11:16And I'd be doing a lot better
11:18If I wasn't stuck with a bunch of lightweight wimps.
11:20Hey, guys.
11:23I'll let Marie in.
11:24Okay.
11:26Hi, Marie.
11:26Hi, Marie.
11:27I'm Miss Morton.
11:27Jill, I'm so upset.
11:28I lost my locket.
11:31That gold one that you were wearing yesterday?
11:33Yeah.
11:33You know, my grandmother gave that to me
11:35When I was a little girl.
11:36I can't find it anywhere.
11:37Oh, don't worry about it.
11:38We'll help you.
11:38These boys can find anything.
11:39I know Brad can.
11:52Look, Elway.
11:53I saw you goofing around today
11:54And I'm not going to put up with this stuff.
11:57What?
11:58Yes, I'd say this to your face.
12:00I might not be yelling this loud.
12:02No, you can't be traded to Al's team.
12:09Tomorrow, I expect you to lift him
12:11Something heavier than a jelly donut.
12:13Yeah.
12:14I want you to tell that
12:15To your little friend Holyfield, too.
12:19Actually, I'd prefer if you'd tell him.
12:23Right, okay.
12:23Bye, John.
12:25Ugh.
12:28Getting a little panicky, Tim?
12:30Not panicky.
12:31The guys just need a little motivation.
12:33What you guys need is some women.
12:37If they build this house right,
12:38I'll get them all the women they want.
12:42You had your chance to get me on your team,
12:44and you blew it.
12:46All right, all right.
12:48You want to be on the team,
12:48tomorrow you can be on the team.
12:51Might as well just bring that woman
12:53that does the plumbing
12:53and the other gal that does the roofies, you too.
12:57So you're ready to admit
12:58that when it comes to building a house,
13:00women are as good as men?
13:02Why do you make everything into a competition?
13:10You should be more like me.
13:12I think everybody's equal.
13:13Since when?
13:15I've always felt that way.
13:16Men are in every way as equal to women,
13:18and women are in every way as to men.
13:24Well, all I've got to say, Tim,
13:25is my team of women
13:26is beating the out of your team of men.
13:33Dad, I need to talk to you.
13:36What about?
13:37Okay.
13:38All right.
13:40What if you found something in an alley,
13:42gave it to your girlfriend?
13:44Shh.
13:44Your mom doesn't know about my girlfriend.
13:50Dad.
13:50All right.
13:51Keep going.
13:52And then you found out
13:53it belonged to somebody else,
13:54and you had to get it back.
13:57Wait a minute.
13:58Let me get this straight.
13:59You found something in the alley.
14:02You didn't bother to find out the owner of it,
14:03and you gave it to your girlfriend?
14:07Yeah.
14:08Been there.
14:08You got to tell the truth.
14:15The truth?
14:16Yeah.
14:17Tell the truth.
14:18Everything else is a waste of time.
14:20Women will see right through you.
14:23I'll make you pay.
14:25How do you know, Dad?
14:27Because I paid.
14:31Oh, God, have I paid.
14:32Hey, Tim, where you been?
14:41We've been working out here
14:42for hours in the rain.
14:43Oh, it's intermittent.
14:44John, I was out buying an exhaust fan.
14:46We already have an exhaust fan.
14:48Not like this.
14:49This baby will suck the air out of a blimp.
14:53Is that all the work you got done
14:54since I've been gone?
14:55Yeah, you got a problem with that tool, man?
14:59That's cotton, isn't it?
15:00It's a cotton ray.
15:01We're doing the best we can
15:04considering our captain
15:05spends all his time shopping.
15:07This is all necessary equipment, right, Howard?
15:09No, it isn't, Tim.
15:10And now they're way ahead of us.
15:13Oh, no.
15:16Hey, Mr. Macho, enjoying the rain?
15:19Hey, it's intermittent.
15:21And for your information,
15:23we're way ahead over here.
15:24Yeah, right.
15:26By the time you get your signing up,
15:27we'll be done and the owner
15:28will be getting junk mail.
15:31Well, hi-dee-ho, good spirit, Tim.
15:36Wilson, what are you doing over there?
15:38Well, Jill told me about the project
15:40and asked me if I could help.
15:42Well, if you wanted to help,
15:43why don't you join my team?
15:45Well, Tam, aren't we all on the same team?
15:47No, and your team seems to be winning.
15:50Well, Tam, this isn't a question of winning or losing.
15:52Perhaps you're familiar
15:53with the great German philosopher,
15:55Immanuel Kant.
15:57He said,
15:58Ain't that the truth?
16:05Well, Tim, all he's saying is
16:07the important part of generosity
16:09is generosity of the spirit.
16:11Oh, yeah, you got to have spirit, don't you?
16:14Hey, Wilson, what are you doing out there?
16:16Well, I was just explaining to your husband
16:17the meaning of benevolence.
16:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:19Put a cork in it and get back to work.
16:23Why don't you go tell her
16:24what you just told me?
16:28Jill?
16:28I-dee-zunior.
16:31Um, Ashley, about the locket,
16:45would it be all right if I took it back
16:47and, uh, got something even nicer?
16:49Like what?
16:52Um, how about a bicycle reflector?
16:58Hi, Brad.
16:59Hi, Ashley.
16:59Oh, hi, Mrs. Taylor.
17:01Look, no.
17:06What are you doing?
17:08Oh, you look like you needed a hug.
17:10Oh, that's so sensitive.
17:12Brad's always been the sensitive one in the family.
17:18Try not to be so sensitive, okay?
17:22Oh, gosh.
17:24I am so sore.
17:26But not as sore as your father.
17:29Um, come on, Ashley.
17:32I'll walk you home.
17:33And, um, we can talk about what else I can get you,
17:36you know, some other time.
17:40Hi, Brad.
17:45Brad, get the door!
17:47Okay.
17:48Uh, I'll meet you in the backyard.
17:49Nice greeting.
17:56Hi, Marie.
17:57Hi, Jill.
17:57Uh, do you guys have a staple gun?
17:59I wanted to put up the flyers about the locket I lost.
18:03Why is Ashley in the backyard?
18:06Uh, uh, she doesn't have one.
18:09Uh, so I said she could use ours.
18:14Brad, what is going on here?
18:16Uh, nothing.
18:18Um, I think I saw the staple gun in the garage.
18:21Right.
18:21I'll go get it.
18:22Yeah.
18:27Hey, butthead.
18:31Hi, Marie.
18:32Hi, Tim.
18:33Brad.
18:33Brad.
18:34Well, how'd it go with your girlfriend?
18:35Uh, I think I'm almost out of the woods.
18:39Oh, how many times I've said those words.
18:43Look what happened.
18:45The chain of my locket broke.
18:47Let me take a look at it, Ashley.
18:50It's nothing.
18:51I can fix it with my needle-nose pliers in the garage.
18:53Uh, no, ho, Dad.
18:54Don't go in the garage.
18:55Why not?
18:56Tim.
18:57Oh, you found my locket.
18:58No, this is Ashley's.
18:59I'm just fixing the thing for you.
19:00Yeah, that's my locket.
19:01Brad gave it to me.
19:02Oh, no, no, honey.
19:03My grandmother gave me this locket.
19:04Oh, oh.
19:07Looks like somebody here didn't tell the truth.
19:13Brad.
19:15Brad.
19:16Tim.
19:21Don't look at me.
19:22I told him to tell the truth.
19:24Well, I guess I'm gonna have to pay, huh, Dad?
19:27Oh, God, are you gonna pay?
19:28Well, the tension is mounted to this habitat site.
19:36We're waiting for the final inspection.
19:38Oh, there's the inspector now.
19:39He just looked at Al's house,
19:40and judging by the look on his face,
19:41he's not too happy.
19:42Larry, go on in if you can see what they're saying.
19:47Al, Jill,
19:49you did an exceptional job.
19:51In fact,
19:52I think you built the perfect house.
19:54Thank you, inspector.
20:03Well, you know, inspectors are overly polite sometimes.
20:06They appreciate hard work,
20:08and after we come back,
20:08we're gonna see the Tim Taylor
20:10more perfect house.
20:12It looks like our house
20:20is gonna be pretty hard to beat.
20:22Jill, this isn't a competition.
20:23I know it's not.
20:24You're darn right it's not.
20:25Oh, wait, come on.
20:25Let's go bask in our glory.
20:26Okay, guys.
20:28And five,
20:29and five,
20:30four,
20:31three,
20:33two,
20:33one.
20:34Welcome back.
20:35Now the moment we've all been waiting for.
20:37A little gander at my house.
20:39Come on in.
20:40Spector,
20:40I think you're gonna be remarkably impressed
20:42with the quality of workmanship.
20:45Let's go in.
20:49Doorknobs
20:50were Elway's department.
20:56Now this is very nice.
20:58Yeah, I like the archway.
21:00Well, we, um,
21:01we didn't, uh,
21:02go by just the plans.
21:03We actually made some improvements
21:04in the house on our own.
21:05Yeah.
21:06We didn't see the kitchen.
21:07Mm-hmm.
21:08Come on in.
21:08Those upper cabinets
21:12are equipped
21:12with fully concealed
21:13adjustable hinges,
21:14and we installed
21:15a reverse osmosis
21:16water filtration system.
21:22Should have never put Holyfield
21:24in charge of plumbing.
21:25Oh, but look at the rest of the house.
21:26The kitchen needs a little work,
21:27but come on this way.
21:27Look at this bathroom here.
21:29Huh?
21:29Yeah, that's nice.
21:32That's great.
21:33You gotta try
21:34our new exhaust fan, though.
21:34At least try that
21:35first switch here.
21:37Custom.
21:43The living room.
21:44It's our pride and joy.
21:45Try that.
21:46I'll try to find that hat.
21:54Jill,
21:55guess what I got?
21:56Uh, video from President Carter.
22:00Good guess.
22:02His office called
22:03to see if we got it.
22:04Well, we did.
22:05This is great.
22:07This is thank you
22:08or something.
22:08Let's watch.
22:13Hi, Tim, Al, and Jill.
22:15I'd like to thank you
22:16for your participation
22:18in our Habitat for Humanity
22:19housing blitz.
22:20You're welcome.
22:23Al and Jill,
22:24the house you built
22:24is a perfect example
22:26of what can happen
22:27when caring people
22:28band together
22:29for a common goal.
22:31And, Tim,
22:32what can I say?
22:40Crews are working
22:41round the clock
22:42to repair the house
22:42you built.
22:47Oh, yeah.
22:47Rosen would like
22:48a picture of Al.
22:52Let's tape over this.
22:53Wait, wait, wait.
22:59Try our special exhaust fan.
23:02It's right here.
23:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:11Oh, my God.
23:13Oh, my God.
23:15Wait.
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