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TVTranscript
00:00Hey! Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim, the Tool Man, Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al.
00:08What's the point of having a weekend, Borland? We've been gone for two weeks on vacation, Al and I,
00:13and it's good to be back. I hope you enjoyed the reruns. While we were gone, Al, I guess, uh,
00:18you finished that log cabin up in Houghton Lake, right? Yes, Tim, I have. I finished it completely
00:21by myself. Everything in it is made from logs. Fantastic. Can't wait to stop by and meet the
00:27little log woman. Anyway, while Al was busy carving himself a life, I took my family to the Natural
00:37History Museum in Chicago. Very educational, a lot of fun. Yes, it is. But we all know the worst part
00:41of a long car trip, the family in the car. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I can't see. He's pushing. I
00:47gotta pee. Boy, my wife was annoying. But it worked out well, I'll tell you, because I was able to bring
00:56back to the museum some primitive tools from Primitive Man. Heidi, the artifacts, please.
01:02Of course, you all know our new tool girl. I want you all to say howdy to Heidi.
01:07Howdy, Heidi! Of course, our old tool girl moved on to bigger and better things.
01:11Oh, did she accept that offer from Bob Vila?
01:18She went on to college. We both know that, Al.
01:20Here are your sticks, Tim.
01:21Thank you, Heidi.
01:21You're welcome.
01:22Of course, they're not sticks. These are artifacts.
01:24They look like sticks to me.
01:26Hmm? Well, little do you know, I wouldn't pay 15 bucks for some sticks, would I?
01:33Yes, Tim, you would. They say there's a sucker born every minute. Now we know what he does on his vacation.
01:43Boy, gosh darn it, that's funny. That's really funny.
01:45Maybe when you're on your permanent vacation, you can build yourself a log unemployment office.
01:55The point is, to John Q. Primitive Man, this was his source of fire.
01:59They would try to get a spark going, rubbing like this, to see if they could get the kindling moving.
02:02Well, you should be careful, because you could start a fire.
02:05Like, I'm really going to start a fire with sticks like this?
02:07Well, that's what...
02:07I can't get a spark going.
02:09Tim, you're on fire.
02:13Indeed I am, Al.
02:14And you know, I've done this to teach the kids out there an important lesson.
02:17Don't play with sticks, because they can put your eye out or they can ignite your forearm.
02:21Al, put your help me out.
02:22Bye!
02:23Bye!
02:53guitar solo
03:23guitar solo
03:53guitar solo
03:55Yeah, right.
03:58When I was a kid, I could not
03:59wait to get to school.
04:01See my teachers,
04:03hand in my homework, take all those
04:05tests I always got A's on.
04:07Yeah, but I bet you got beat up a lot.
04:09Every day.
04:11Now move it, guys. Have a good time at school.
04:14Love you.
04:14All right.
04:20I got the horn working for the hot rod, huh?
04:22Really?
04:23Thought a flock of geese had exploded in there.
04:27Speaking of a flock of geese,
04:28your sister called.
04:30What did she say about the ultrasound?
04:32What is she having?
04:33A baby.
04:35I know she's having a baby.
04:37What kind of a baby?
04:39I don't know.
04:40I hope it doesn't look a lot like her.
04:43Okay, I'll call her.
04:45I can't believe you're so blasé about this.
04:47You know, having a baby is a big deal.
04:49What's the big deal?
04:51Cells get together and multiply?
04:52Poof, you got a baby.
04:54You women act as though it's some sort of miracle.
04:56It is a miracle.
04:58No, no, no, no, no.
04:59No, no.
05:00A miracle is what happened in the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team.
05:05You women give birth, thousands of fans don't stand up and go,
05:08USA, USA, USA!
05:11Well, maybe women should just start giving birth in stadiums.
05:14Well, maybe they should.
05:17Good luck getting 50,000 guys to see that.
05:21Yeah.
05:22You know what name I've always loved?
05:25Laura.
05:26It's simple.
05:26It's unpretentious.
05:27Sloan.
05:31That's nice, too.
05:32Laura, Laura!
05:33Tim just walked in.
05:35He sends his love.
05:37Yeah, if you need anything, give me a call.
05:39Bye.
05:41It's a girl.
05:43It's a girl.
05:44Carol is so happy.
05:45She always wanted to have a girl.
05:48They stayed up all last night and painted the nursery pink.
05:51Flat or semi-gloss?
05:54Gee, somehow that didn't come up.
05:58Aw.
06:00What's all that stuff?
06:01Oh, it's some of the boys' baby things.
06:03You know, I'm going to send it to Carol.
06:04I'm hoping there'll be something to work for a girl.
06:06Oh, look at the little booties.
06:11They're so teeny.
06:12They're brads.
06:17Oh, and the little hat and the bib.
06:21Are you going to send the little bib to the little baby?
06:25No, I'm keeping this around for you.
06:29Oh, my gosh.
06:30Where'd that pink blanket come from?
06:33I made this when I was praying it with Mark.
06:35Remember, I was hoping for a girl.
06:38I wanted a sweet little thing I could cuddle on my lap with beautiful curly hair and a big bow in it.
06:43Oh, you wanted to give birth to a poodle.
06:49It could happen.
06:50Look at the father.
06:51Maybe I should hold on to this.
06:59Why would you want to do that?
07:01Never know.
07:03Oh, boy.
07:04Oh, boy.
07:05Back the Estrogen Express up, honey.
07:09Huh?
07:10I see.
07:10Wait a minute.
07:12Your sister has a little girl.
07:13Now, you want a little girl?
07:15So?
07:16So?
07:18Carol gives birth to an elephant.
07:20Does that mean you give birth to an elephant?
07:22Oh, great.
07:23That's just what I want.
07:24Pass a pair of tusks.
07:25Ouch.
07:25I thought you guys weren't supposed to watch at Goosebump Theater.
07:37Don't they give you nightmares?
07:38Well, Tool Time gives us nightmares and you make us watch that.
07:45Hey.
07:46He's going after those guys with a bin for 5,100 chainsaw.
07:49That's a chainsaw and a half.
07:50Good choice, ghoul.
07:52Aren't you a little old to have a security blanket?
07:55Huh?
07:55He got it when he stopped sucking his thumb.
07:58Hey, maybe you'll recognize some of the other stuff in here.
08:01Oh, look.
08:02It's Brad's training pants.
08:05Used them last weekend, didn't you?
08:09And what's this?
08:11Randy's brain.
08:13I'm sending your old baby stuff to Aunt Carol.
08:16Hey, wait a minute.
08:17That blanket wasn't ours.
08:19Your mom knitted this when she was having Mark.
08:22It's pink.
08:23Mom must have known Mark would be a girl.
08:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:29Your mother was praying for a girl after she had you two butt heads.
08:34Whoa.
08:36Mom really wanted Mark to be a girl.
08:37Oh, yeah.
08:39I think we can have some fun with this.
08:44Oh, uh, Mark.
08:48Come on in here.
08:49What do you want?
08:51Buddy.
08:53Have a seat.
08:53Well, we just found out some awful news from Dad, and we wanted to tell you before you heard it from a stranger.
09:07What?
09:09Well, Dad told us that when Mom had you, she really wanted a girl.
09:13You're lying.
09:15You just showed us the pink blanket she made for you.
09:18You did not.
09:19Hey, you know how she's always saying she wants to bake with you.
09:22And how she's always taking you shopping?
09:24She's pretending you're her daughter.
09:26Well, I just got off the phone with Carol.
09:35She is so excited.
09:37The baby moved today.
09:39Where to?
09:39That, uh, all-baby condo downtown?
09:43Hey, boys!
09:45Buzz is here!
09:46Mm!
09:48Yuck!
09:49How many scoops did you use in this stuff?
09:51Twelve.
09:52Making Tim Taylor more power coffee.
09:54Ew!
09:56Hey, I'll race you to Ann Arbor.
10:00Hey, Brad!
10:02Yeah?
10:03Brad, don't forget, you have a dentist appointment today, and don't try to get detention to get out of it again.
10:09Hmph. Lucky has to try.
10:12Hey, Mark, we're gonna make a cake when I get home from work.
10:16I'm not helping you.
10:18How come? You love to make cakes.
10:20Never baking again.
10:25What's with him?
10:26Oh, I don't know.
10:28I'm sure you're gonna miss his brownies.
10:34Tim?
10:37Tim?
10:39Tim!
10:40What? I love it!
10:41This looks good.
10:42You're, uh, uh, uh, the hair? Perfect.
10:48New outfit? Thinner.
10:49Younger?
10:53Thank you, but that's not it.
10:54Remember what we were talking about last night?
10:57Oh, the baby.
10:57I won't bring it up again.
10:58Promise.
10:59I'm bringing it up.
11:00Come on, haven't you thought about how nice it would be to have a little girl?
11:05No!
11:06We have all the kids we can stand right now.
11:08We, we never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.
11:12I've said it.
11:12I've talked about it.
11:13I know I've talked about it.
11:14I, I mentioned on Tool Time.
11:16Oh, great.
11:17So 11 people know about it?
11:18Do you remember babies at all?
11:22Dirty diapers.
11:24Colic.
11:252 a.m. feedings.
11:263 a.m. feedings.
11:27I don't have the energy for that anymore.
11:29You don't have the energy to say,
11:31Wake up, Jill.
11:31The baby wants you.
11:40At this point in my life,
11:41I don't have the energy to say,
11:42Wake up, Jill.
11:43I want you.
11:48So you're just shutting the door on the whole idea of having a baby.
11:52I'm shutting the door.
11:53That's your last word?
11:54I've shut the door,
11:55I put a chest in front of it,
11:56and there's a fat guy sitting on it.
11:58What?
11:59And he's holding Al's mom in his lap.
12:06As sure as a bear takes reading material into the woods,
12:08tools lose their edge.
12:12That's why Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute.
12:16To sharpeners.
12:17Before we get to the meat of the show, though,
12:20something happened to my house today that got me thinking.
12:22And I was wondering...
12:22Tim,
12:23didn't you promise this year
12:25that you would stick to tools
12:26and not get into your personal life?
12:29A promise is a promise, isn't it?
12:31But does this mean anything to you at all?
12:36So, I was hoping that...
12:37Well, how would you like it
12:38if I had talked about my personal life?
12:40Well, when you get one, we'll talk about it.
12:42Right now, I'd like to talk about women and babies.
12:48What is the big deal?
12:49Women and babies.
12:50Babies and women.
12:51If women gave birth to cars,
12:53that would be a big deal.
12:54You'd have guys lined up in the delivery room
12:56seeing that stuff, huh?
12:57Yeah!
12:58Imagine your wife delivering a 3,000-pound Ferrari.
13:01Yeah!
13:02Oh, yeah!
13:03Slipping gear, kiss your wife,
13:04drive the baby home.
13:05Can we get on with the show?
13:09All right, let's introduce our guest star tonight,
13:11the Binford XJB Benchgrind.
13:14Three-quarter horsepower motor,
13:15and it spins at a manly 3,400 RPM.
13:18Oh, oh, oh.
13:20Oh!
13:22Now, you notice Al's wearing a safety gun.
13:25They not only protect his eyes,
13:27but they give Al that intellectual look.
13:33Now, if we could bring the camera over here,
13:35I'll show you what Al's doing.
13:37He keeps the axe blade against the wheel
13:39at a 45-degree angle.
13:41That helps retain the original bevel.
13:44And I don't know about you,
13:45but I revel in Al's bevel.
13:48Are you all right, Tim?
13:49Sharp as new.
13:50All right.
13:51There's ways to see if they're sharp.
13:52The first thing...
13:53Warn me when you do that stuff, Al.
13:58Okay.
14:03There we go.
14:05Sharp as new.
14:07Getting a little rough on that beard.
14:08Want me to trim that up for you?
14:11I don't think so, Tim.
14:13Come on, trust me, Al.
14:15Based on what?
14:18You know, I expected that response out of you.
14:20That's why the guys at Binford and I
14:21came up with a little special project.
14:23Heidi, how about that special project?
14:24This is test dummy Al.
14:30Here you go, Tim.
14:31Thank you, Heidi.
14:32You're welcome.
14:32Every last detail's the same as Al,
14:34except he's a bit more animated.
14:38Oh, that beard's a little rough.
14:39You want me to shave it for you?
14:40Sure.
14:41All right.
14:42There you go.
14:43Okay.
14:44Of course I think I do all the work around here.
14:45Thanks for saying so.
14:47I'm your idol?
14:48Oh, come on, buddy.
14:49Oh, cut a little deep.
14:52Oh, whoa.
14:54Ow, ow, buddy.
14:55Can you do that, Al?
14:59Mark, come on down and have some cake with me.
15:02I don't want any cake.
15:05Don't tell me you've given up eating cake, too.
15:09It's angel food.
15:11Made with real angels.
15:14Luckily, they're in season.
15:16I don't want any cake.
15:19Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
15:22Nothing's wrong.
15:23Don't call me sweetie.
15:26I always call you sweetie.
15:29That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
15:32Who told you that?
15:33Brad and Randy.
15:35Well, they're grounded for a week.
15:39Honey, you know better than to listen to them.
15:42They're always trying to torment you.
15:44You mean you didn't want me to be a girl?
15:46Well, well, maybe a part of me did.
15:52But that doesn't mean I wasn't thrilled to have you.
15:56The minute I laid eyes on you, I just fell in love.
15:59All that matted hair.
16:01Your little squished face.
16:04Wrinkled little body.
16:06You look just like your father.
16:07But you really wanted a girl.
16:16Mark, do you remember your fifth birthday?
16:19Yeah.
16:20Brad and Randy made me the candles on my cake.
16:23So they're grounded for another week.
16:26Now, you remember you wanted a dog
16:28and we thought that you weren't old enough to take care of one?
16:30Mm-hmm.
16:31And so we got you a turtle.
16:33And even though you wanted the dog,
16:35you really loved that turtle, didn't you?
16:37Mm-hmm.
16:38Until he got squished by the truck.
16:41I'm sure he didn't feel a thing.
16:43Anyway, the point is,
16:44you wouldn't have traded that turtle for the world
16:47and I would not trade you for the world.
16:51You wouldn't?
16:52No way.
16:53I've had a dozen offers at least just today.
16:58Would you trade Brad and Randy?
17:00Like that.
17:00Yeah.
17:08Debrinian, good neighbor.
17:10Hmm?
17:11That's Russian for Heidi Ho.
17:15I'm playing chess by mail
17:17with a grandmaster in Moscow.
17:22Got a minute?
17:24Tim, I am your pawn.
17:25Jill wants to have another baby.
17:33Well, Tim, I'm not sure I can help you there.
17:37That's not the area I'm having trouble with.
17:39Oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:43She, uh, her sister, Carol, is, uh, having a little girl.
17:46Oh.
17:47And I think it's, uh, stern stuff in Jill and I think she'd like to have a little girl.
17:50Ah.
17:51Mm-hmm.
17:52Mm-hmm.
17:52Mm-hmm.
17:53And I get the feeling that you're not happy about the event.
17:56I like the things just the way they are.
17:58Mm-hmm.
17:59The house, the kids, Jill.
18:01I have 276 power tools.
18:04So, what you're telling me, Tim, you feel your life is complete.
18:12Yeah, in a manner of speaking, sure.
18:13Well, maybe Jill doesn't feel the same way.
18:15And what's that supposed to mean?
18:16I think what Jill is after is a legacy.
18:21A Japanese car.
18:25Oh, that's a good one, Tim.
18:27That's a good one.
18:28A legacy.
18:29Something that's passed down, like generational.
18:31Exactly, exactly.
18:32And that's what you have with your sons.
18:33Hmm.
18:34You'll be able to pass on your accumulated wisdom,
18:36the things you've learned about being a man.
18:38Oh, we've already started that, yeah.
18:40Last weekend, I taught them all how to burp the alphabet.
18:43Actually, I'm talking about more than burping.
18:45You see, Tim, what your sons give you is immortality.
18:48And I think maybe that's what Jill wants,
18:50to see a part of herself live on.
18:53So, that's why she'd want a girl.
18:56Thanks, Wilson.
18:57You've been a help.
18:57Mm-hmm.
18:58Now you've been done, you good neighbor.
19:00Do-si-do to you, too.
19:03Jill, there's something I want to talk to you about.
19:07Are you still talking to me?
19:08No.
19:10I can respect that.
19:12So, you just sit there and listen, and I'll talk.
19:17I think I know why you want a daughter.
19:19You want to be immortal like me.
19:21You're immortal?
19:27Long after I'm gone, the boys will still be burping.
19:31What?
19:32But you don't have a little Jill Jr. to pass on girl stuff to.
19:35Oh, girl stuff.
19:37Like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry?
19:40Don't forget darnin' socks.
19:41Ah, that's a skill I'd hate to see die out.
19:44I'm kidding.
19:45What I'm saying is if I can be immortal, you should be able to be mortal, too.
19:48So, let's talk about having a daughter.
19:54Are you serious?
19:57Yeah.
19:58And then I could build her a little Barbie dream house.
20:02And I'd remodel the whole downstairs, you know, put a rec room and a little weight room
20:06for Ken, a little back door for G.I. Joe.
20:11Thank you, sweetie.
20:16But you know what?
20:17I really don't want to have a baby right now.
20:20I didn't mean this minute.
20:21No, I've been thinking about it.
20:23And the truth is that I don't really have time in my life for it right now.
20:27You know, I got the job, three kids, well, you know, four, including you.
20:30Wait, wait, wait.
20:31Excuse me.
20:33What'd you get so out of joint this morning for?
20:35I was mad.
20:37You made up your mind that we weren't going to have any kids,
20:39and you didn't care what I felt about it.
20:41Well, you came out of nowhere with this.
20:42Having a baby's a big deal.
20:43It's up there with putting a new sprinkler system, which we should talk about.
20:47Sam.
20:48Let me get this straight.
20:49You don't want to have a new kid.
20:51I don't want you to rule out the possibility.
20:54Well, how do you feel about a sprinkler system?
20:58Look, I just want to know that we can still talk about this.
21:01Why don't you just say it like that?
21:02Well, you wouldn't let me.
21:05You shut the door and put a big fat guy in front of it.
21:09Only Al's mom.
21:12So I should just leave the door open.
21:14I just want you to listen.
21:16What would happen if we had another boy?
21:19The last thing in the world this house needs is more testosterone,
21:21especially dripping down the walls as it is.
21:23Yeah.
21:24There's hair growing on that wall right there.
21:27Oh, shit.
21:46The blinds let the whole neighborhood know there's something going on in here.
21:49Come here, Mr. Immortal.
21:55Could you brush your teeth?
22:00Kim, I just brushed them.
22:02Could you brush them again, please?
22:04And get that stinky stuff away in the back?
22:07Well, you pretty much killed the moon.
22:09Why don't you walk in there?
22:11Why don't you walk in there?
22:17Come on, I'm waiting, honey.
22:35Well, I brushed.
22:41I flossed.
22:43I hope that I don't offend you this time.
22:49So, Al, what are you doing here?
22:51It's not Tuesday.
22:52No, no, no.
23:00A miracle is what happened in the 1980 U.S. Olympic.
23:03You guys get it.
23:09It's not going to happen.
23:11It's not going to happen.
23:12Yes, it is.
23:12All right.
23:13No, no.
23:14A miracle is what happened in the 1980 U.S. Olympic.
23:17I think...
23:17...
23:27...
23:27...
23:31...
23:36...
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