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TVTranscript
00:00Hi, Tim, the tool man, Taylor.
00:06And you all know my assistant Al, this land is boar land.
00:11Today we're talking about Binford's new high-tech security alarm systems for cars.
00:15Because a secure car is a happy car.
00:21While a car that isn't so secure can cost you thousands of dollars in therapy fees.
00:24Now, the most inexpensive way to protect your car is with the Binford 6100 steering wheel lock.
00:34It's a good lock, Al, but if you've got a larger car, monster truck, front-end loader, a space shuttle, you want the Binford 61 million.
00:43Now, there's a lock. Look at the size of that thing.
00:48Well, if you want to go the more sophisticated route,
00:51you might want to watch Masterpiece Tool Time with your host Alistair Borland.
01:02Would that be an English accent?
01:07I was talking more along the lines of an electric car alarm,
01:11the most basic of which will go off if your doors or windows are tampered with.
01:15Right, but you can customize. You can have automatic door locks, ignition cutoff, gas cutoff,
01:19and not a moment too soon.
01:25Oh, very funny, Tim.
01:27I'm sure, I'm sure our nursery school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.
01:34Now, if you want to go whole hog,
01:36you probably want the Binford Thief Buster 1000.
01:42It has a personalized voice warning system.
01:44I installed it on this pony myself.
01:49Act like a thief.
01:55Back away, flannel man.
01:56Back away, flannel man.
01:58Back away, flannel man.
01:59Back away, flannel man.
02:00Back away.
02:14Back away, flannel man.
02:15Back away, flannel man.
02:16Back away, flannel man.
02:17Back away, flannel man.
02:18Back away, flannel man.
02:19Back away, flannel man.
02:20Back away, flannel man.
02:21Back away, flannel man.
02:22Back away, flannel man.
02:23Back away, flannel man.
02:24Back away, flannel man.
02:25Back away, flannel man.
02:26Back away, flannel man.
02:27Back away, flannel man.
02:28Back away, flannel man.
02:29Back away, flannel man.
02:30Back away, flannel man.
02:31Back away, flannel man.
02:32Back away, flannel man.
02:33Back away, flannel man.
02:34Back away, flannel man.
02:35Back away, flannel man.
02:36Back away, flannel man.
02:37Back away, flannel man.
03:08Well, I made the car alarm a little less sensitive.
03:15Now only big flies set it off.
03:18What's going on?
03:20It's the Cooking with Irma audience.
03:21They're starting a little early.
03:23In fact, you want to give me a hand?
03:24No one told me about this.
03:25Looks like they're bringing in the set.
03:27Also.
03:33Hey, Irma.
03:34Oh, hi, guys.
03:36Hi.
03:36Well, what's cooking?
03:37Oh, well, I'm just making up a batch of my rather tooie.
03:41Really?
03:43How many parts, Rad?
03:44How many parts to do it?
03:47Oh, Timothy, I just love your delightful insouciance.
03:50Al, would you like a taste?
03:51I thought you would never ask.
03:56You bake this, Irma?
03:57Oh, boy.
04:01Do I detect a hint of tarragon and a soupçon of oregano?
04:06Oh, very good, Al.
04:08Well, I use that in my own ratatouille.
04:10Oh, you gals have so much in common.
04:13I have just had some wonderful news.
04:17I just found out that my daughter has had a beautiful baby girl.
04:22Congratulations, Irma.
04:24Congratulations.
04:25I just can't believe that my sweet radish has a little cabbage of her own.
04:28Where did the cabbage get delivered?
04:30In a salad bar?
04:31Oh, you are incorrigible.
04:35Anyway, I'm going to be gone until next Sunday.
04:38And I was wondering if I could impose on you to fill in for me.
04:44You know, be Irma for a week.
04:46Irma for a week?
04:49I don't know.
04:51Oh, well, now, come on, Tim.
04:52Irma needs our help.
04:53Her radish just had a cabbage.
04:57Well, when you put it like that, Al.
05:00Hmm.
05:00I could host it.
05:01We could have that spam casserole.
05:03Al could assist me.
05:04Oh, well, you know, as a matter of fact, since Al is such a wonderful cook,
05:08I was hoping that he would host it and that you would assist him.
05:13Uh, I don't, I really don't think Al would be comfortable with that.
05:19You know, he's been...
05:19I would love the opportunity.
05:21In fact, you might say I would relish it.
05:24Relish?
05:25Oh, Al, I just admire your joie de vivre.
05:30It's French for big butt crack, isn't it?
05:39Hey, Mom.
05:40Hey, Mom.
05:41Hi, kids.
05:41How's school?
05:43Great.
05:44We got our class pictures back.
05:46Oh, good.
05:47Let me see.
05:47Where are you?
05:48Third one from the right.
05:50You're a little Asian girl?
05:52Oh, I meant the left.
05:55Oh, you look so cute.
05:57Thanks, Mommy.
05:58You look great.
05:58Randy, Randy, let me see yours.
06:00I look like a total control.
06:02Oh, yeah, right.
06:03Come on, let me see it.
06:04Where are you?
06:05I don't know.
06:09Well, you look very cute for somebody who's looking at the right.
06:12I'm going to get the girl next to him with his tongue hanging out.
06:17Yep.
06:17Her name is Beth.
06:19Jeremy said I should ask her to go steady.
06:21Really?
06:23Does she feel the same way about you?
06:25I don't know.
06:27I've never talked to her.
06:30Well, then, asking her to go steady may be a bit of a leap.
06:36What should I say to her?
06:38Well, you could say something like, hello.
06:41Hello.
06:42Yeah.
06:44Hello.
06:45That's good.
06:48Hello, Beth.
06:49Well, maybe, hi, Beth.
06:53Or maybe, hi, and no Beth.
06:55I mean, she knows who she is, right?
06:57Right?
06:58Right.
06:58Right.
06:59Why don't you relax?
07:00Sit down.
07:00Here.
07:01Um, pretend that I'm Beth.
07:03You know, just talk to me.
07:07I don't know what to say.
07:08Tell me I'm pretty.
07:10Are you mom or Beth?
07:19Does it matter?
07:20You're pretty, Beth.
07:26And mom.
07:36Well, I'm ready for my cooking debut.
07:40Now something smells wonderful back here.
07:45Goodness, it's me.
07:48Tim, the show is about to begin.
07:49Now, are you wearing an apron?
07:50Brought it from home.
07:55Does everybody know who's in the kitchen?
07:58Irma!
07:58That's right.
07:59It's Cooking with Irma with special guest chef Al Borland.
08:11Thank you, Klaus.
08:12Thank you, Heidi.
08:14That's right.
08:15I'm Al, the food man, Borland.
08:17And you all know my assistant, Tim, doesn't know gumbo from Dumbo, Taylor.
08:25Not so.
08:27Dumbo, of course, is a pachyderm.
08:30Gumbo is a flexible green guy that rides pokey.
08:32Okay, well, today, we are cooking Cajun style, and that means gumbo.
08:45Now, one of the most important ingredients in gumbo is...
08:49Gum.
08:49Lots of gum.
08:51Just take it off the bottom of tables and...
08:52Tim...
08:53That would be okra.
08:56Okra!
08:58From the great state of Oklahoma.
09:04It's a joke.
09:06Half state, half vegetable.
09:08Like Arkansas.
09:08It's a law.
09:13There's no sense making jokes about food, is there?
09:16Now, ha-ha-ha.
09:18The wonderful thing about gumbo is that in addition to your vegetables...
09:23And your spices...
09:25You can throw just about anything into the pot.
09:28You know, if we put Al's mom in the pot, we'd have Jumbo Gumbo.
09:42But you'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke.
09:46She's a large, angry woman.
09:49Like so many of you out there today.
09:51All right, well, getting back to our Cajun cooking.
10:01Do you think that they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?
10:10Come on.
10:12You thought that was funny, but you didn't like Oklahoma?
10:14Uh, Tim, why don't you be a big help and take the tops off those peppers?
10:22Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished by using a lot of very hot peppers.
10:26And, um...
10:27Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:29As Tim has just demonstrated here, if you happen to bite into a pepper,
10:34you want to drink plenty of milk, never water.
10:37Blah!
10:37Oh!
10:38Oh!
10:39Water will only make it worse.
10:40Or you can bite into a piece of bread.
10:42Mmm!
10:43Mmm!
10:44Oh!
10:46But not jalapeno bread.
10:47Ugh!
10:53Woo!
10:54Can I miss you, McDowell?
10:56Thank you for coming, Mrs. Yost.
10:58And remember the weather report from the kitchen.
11:00Chili today, hot tamale.
11:07Hey!
11:09They loved me!
11:10They hated me.
11:11Well, you started off a little rocky,
11:13but once you were in too much pain to talk,
11:15boy, show really took off.
11:19Well, I think I'm gonna take off,
11:20and I don't want to do this tomorrow.
11:22What are you talking about?
11:23Oh, come on now.
11:24You don't need me here.
11:25You cook well enough by yourself,
11:26and I'm just a burden.
11:27Who...
11:27You know, how many guys it take to lift a radish?
11:29Oh, no, come on.
11:30We...
11:30We promised Irma,
11:32and...
11:32And besides,
11:33tomorrow I'm gonna be cooking with poultry,
11:34and I'm gonna need some help.
11:36Why don't you get one of your blue-haired groupies
11:38to help you out?
11:40I get it.
11:41Uh-huh.
11:41I see what it is.
11:43You're just jealous
11:44because now I'm the star.
11:47The star?
11:47You're just guest toasting a cable cooking show.
11:50Yeah, well...
11:51I know why you're backing out.
11:52It's just because
11:53you're not the center of attention.
11:55I just don't like being your dopey sidekick.
11:59You know how demeaning that is?
12:06Don't look at me like that.
12:07This is not like Tool Time.
12:09Oh, no, no.
12:10It's not like Tool Time
12:10because you're the star,
12:11and I'm the dopey sidekick.
12:13I've never used the word sidekick.
12:23Hey, Randy.
12:24Wait till you hear this.
12:26I talked to Ashley,
12:28and, uh, Beth is mildly interested in you.
12:30Oh, right.
12:31She's mildly interested.
12:33We're gonna come over after school,
12:34and we're gonna hang together.
12:36And if she likes you,
12:36she's gonna give Ashley the nod.
12:38The nod?
12:40You remember the nod.
12:42Oh, right.
12:44The nod.
12:49Do you guys know how stupid you look?
12:54I can't believe Beth's coming here.
12:57What if I don't have anything to say to her?
12:59Just sit there and talk about yourself the whole time.
13:01Women love that.
13:04Surprised you didn't tell him to burp for Beth.
13:06You gotta save something for the second date.
13:12What's cooking?
13:14It's, uh, gumbo.
13:15Oh.
13:16Al's recipe.
13:18But, of course, I added a few things of my own.
13:20You know, I thought that Al was really good on that show today.
13:22What'd you think of me?
13:23Well, you know, for a guy who doesn't know anything about cooking,
13:29I thought that you came across as a guy
13:30who doesn't know anything about cooking.
13:33Well, I'm not doing it anymore.
13:34Well, that makes sense.
13:36I don't think the reason I won't do it
13:37is because I can't stand not being the center of attention.
13:39That makes more sense.
13:43I don't always have to be the center of attention.
13:45Our wedding.
13:46I let you walk down the aisle by yourself.
13:49Well, you were making shadow puppets on the pulpit.
13:52Can I have some salt, please?
13:57Now, see, this is your problem, Tim.
13:59You cannot be in front of a group of people
14:02without being the center of attention.
14:03That's what you did on Al's show today.
14:05I need pepper, cayenne.
14:06I just can't help it.
14:09You know how hard it is for me to stand in front of people
14:11and not make them laugh?
14:12Well, you did a pretty darn good job of that today.
14:16Oklahoma.
14:18Arkansas was funny.
14:20Yeah, celery.
14:22I'm just not cut out to be somebody's assistant.
14:29You have been assisting me this whole time
14:31making the gumbo.
14:33Oh.
14:34I could do that.
14:37Look, all you gotta do is do your homework.
14:39Then when you go and help Al tomorrow,
14:40you'll be in much better shape.
14:42I tell you what,
14:42I will sit down
14:43and I will tell you everything
14:45that I know about cooking.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:46Okay.
14:48Okay.
14:48Okay.
14:50This guy better get a cookbook.
14:55This is very good lemonade.
15:14Thanks.
15:15My mom made it.
15:17Um, you know, Beth, Randy's a really funny guy.
15:21Really?
15:22I like funny people.
15:24Yeah, Randy.
15:26Say something funny.
15:27Uh, okay.
15:38I got a joke.
15:41What do you call bad lemonade?
15:45What?
15:46Lemon lemonade.
15:47Lemon lemonade.
15:51I don't get it.
15:55Man, that's the last time
15:57I used one of dad's jokes.
16:03Um, would anybody
16:04like a homemade sugar cookie?
16:06Yeah, I would, please.
16:08Are you enjoying the lemonade?
16:10Yeah.
16:11Great.
16:11Thanks for sharing.
16:12Beth, um,
16:14I think I met your parents
16:15at back to school night.
16:16Your mother is the, um...
16:19Aerobics instructor.
16:21Oh, yeah.
16:22I remember her.
16:23These are really great sugar cookies.
16:28My mom doesn't keep sweets
16:30in our house.
16:31She says they make you fat.
16:35Oh!
16:42Well,
16:43if you guys need me, um,
16:46I'll be upstairs
16:47doing stomach crunches.
16:48Beth,
16:55another cooker snuggie?
16:58I-I mean,
16:59a booger cookie?
17:04Is it hot in here?
17:10I'll be right back.
17:11Oh, man.
17:22I am such a dork.
17:27Experiencing some adolescent angst,
17:29pre-teen Taylor?
17:32Oh.
17:34Sorry, Wilson.
17:35Mm-hmm.
17:36I just made a jerk of myself
17:38in front of a girl.
17:39Well, Randy Taylor,
17:41welcome to the tribe of men.
17:44I mean,
17:44I don't get it.
17:46I really like Beth.
17:49But ever since she got here,
17:50I've been saying
17:51really dumb things.
17:53Well, Randy,
17:54probably that's because
17:54you're sailing
17:55in unfamiliar waters.
17:56I'm sure the first time
17:57Romeo met a girl,
17:58he probably said
17:58some pretty dumb things, too.
18:01Hello?
18:02Right here.
18:04Oh.
18:04Did Romeo ask Juliet
18:07if she wanted
18:08a booger cookie?
18:11Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
18:13Now,
18:14that is a gaff and a half.
18:17Yeah.
18:19I mean,
18:20maybe I'm not cut out
18:22for this romance stuff.
18:25Well,
18:26Randy,
18:27when it comes to winning
18:27the affections
18:28of a young lady,
18:29you might heed
18:30the advice
18:31of Thomas Herrick.
18:32What do you say,
18:33Wilson?
18:34He said,
18:36to get thine ends,
18:37lay bashfulness aside.
18:39He that fears to ask
18:41doth be denied.
18:44So what you're saying
18:45is no guts,
18:46no glory.
18:48Well,
18:48very good,
18:49young Taylor.
18:50You know,
18:50there are those among us
18:51who wouldn't have
18:52picked it up that quickly.
18:56So I gotta keep trying,
18:57huh?
18:58Well,
18:58you may not have
18:59to try too hard.
19:00I think the lady's
19:01equally smitten with you.
19:02What makes you say that?
19:04Because ever since
19:06you came out back,
19:07she's been staring at you.
19:12Hmm.
19:13Thanks,
19:14Wilson.
19:15Hey,
19:15what were the first words
19:17you said to a girl
19:18you had a crush on?
19:19I believe they were
19:21Heidi Hogan looking.
19:27Thanks,
19:27Wilson.
19:29As we all know,
19:30the French are the masters
19:31of the kitchen.
19:32And nothing says
19:33bonjour better
19:34than duck.
19:36Now,
19:36the first thing
19:37I'm going to be needing here
19:38is a large roasting pan.
19:41It's over here.
19:41Where did I...
19:43Uh,
19:43thank you,
19:44Tim.
19:44I didn't think
19:45you were joining me
19:46in the kitchen today.
19:47Well,
19:47I'm your assistant.
19:48Where else would I be?
19:51Well,
19:51great.
19:53Okay,
19:54well,
19:54shall we begin
19:55by explaining
19:56how we're going
19:57to dress our duck?
19:58How do you dress a duck?
20:00Well,
20:00if it's formal,
20:01coat and tie.
20:05Now,
20:05once I get finished
20:06stuffing the duck,
20:07I will be closing it up.
20:09And for that,
20:10I think you'll be using
20:11a poultry lacer.
20:13Actually,
20:13Tim,
20:14I was thinking
20:14of using some duct tape.
20:22I don't think so,
20:23Al.
20:30All right,
20:31uh,
20:32well,
20:32Tim,
20:32you want to double check
20:33to see if I've preheated
20:35our oven to 350 degrees?
20:37Okay.
20:38But I also read
20:38that you shouldn't
20:39overstuff your duck
20:40because it gets in there
20:40too...
20:40Tim,
20:41I've been doing this
20:41for years.
20:42I think I know
20:42what I'm doing.
20:43I'm just saying
20:44that you probably
20:44listen to me.
20:45That's fine.
20:47350 on the dot.
20:50We've also moved
20:50our rack to the top level
20:51so that the bird
20:52will come out
20:52nice and crispy.
20:54Voila.
20:55Okay,
20:56we're all ready
20:56for the duck.
20:57Okay.
21:00Got to get it
21:01before the heat goes out.
21:01Yeah,
21:02I just,
21:02I,
21:03um,
21:03just making sure
21:03that that is
21:04stuffed in there.
21:06You want me
21:07to give you a hand?
21:08Uh,
21:08I think I know
21:09what I'm doing,
21:09Tim.
21:09What's interesting,
21:29what Al's done here
21:29is actually
21:30develop a new recipe.
21:31You've heard of
21:31pheasant under glass.
21:35This would be
21:35quacker through the glass.
21:39And join us tomorrow
21:41for our salute
21:42to beef.
21:51Well,
21:53Tim,
21:53I'm very impressed.
21:55You see what a great
21:55second banana you were?
21:57Yeah,
21:57it would have been a tragedy
21:58had that second banana split.
22:02Yeah,
22:03it's 5.30.
22:03I wonder where Randy is.
22:05Oh,
22:05he's probably with Beth
22:06getting more nods.
22:07Like father,
22:10like son,
22:10you know.
22:12What do you mean by that?
22:13If you recall,
22:14on our first date,
22:15you gave me the nod.
22:16Yeah,
22:16that was all you got.
22:19Hi, Mom!
22:21Hey,
22:22killer.
22:22Hey, Mom,
22:22my dad.
22:23Oh!
22:24How'd it go?
22:27Well,
22:28we're past
22:30the nod stage.
22:31What?
22:32She gave me a kiss.
22:35What?
22:36Mom,
22:36what would you have done
22:38if I kissed you
22:39on the first date?
22:41Would have woken up.
22:49Hi,
22:49Tim the Tool Man
22:50and Taylor,
22:50and you all know
22:51my assistant,
22:52Al
22:52I see what it is.
23:03You're just jealous
23:04because now
23:05I'm the star.
23:07Oh,
23:07back the bread basket up,
23:09buddy.
23:09You're just
23:10substitute host
23:11for a cable cooking show.
23:12love you,
23:27you're just
23:29laughing
23:29I see what the cake
23:30is.
23:33If you were
23:34pilgrim,
23:35I wouldn't
23:36have arrived.
23:36Did you
23:37take it away?
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