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TVTranscript
00:00We did a great job on this letter.
00:06Yeah, Mark's going to fall for this big time.
00:08Oh, here he comes.
00:12Hey, Mark.
00:13You got a letter from the Detroit Pistons.
00:16I did?
00:16Yeah, and the return address says it's from Isaiah Thomas.
00:19See, I told you you'd write me back.
00:22What does it say?
00:24Dear Mark, thank you for your 25 letters.
00:27You're my biggest fan.
00:28Does he say anything else?
00:31I can't wait to meet you.
00:36Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming to your house Saturday night.
00:40P.S. If you're cooking, I love corn on the cob.
00:44He's coming to our house!
00:45Yeah!
00:46But this is going to be cool!
00:48Yeah!
00:49I'm going to go put this in my snack book!
00:51Yeah!
00:52I told you, Mark is wow!
00:54Yeah!
00:55Yes.
00:56Oh, we are too good.
00:58Oh, we are too mild.
01:01Oh, we are too mild.
01:08We are too mild.
01:23guitar solo
01:53What do you think?
02:08Happy birthday to you!
02:19Yay! Okay, make a wish.
02:21Come on.
02:23Now we eat.
02:34Okay, who wants sleeve?
02:36Who wants armpit?
02:38Sleeve, pitch.
02:40Okay.
02:41Tim?
02:42I'll just take a little chest here.
02:46So, Al,
02:47what did you wish for?
02:49Oh, no, no, no, Jill.
02:50I couldn't tell you that or it won't come true.
02:53What are you, Al?
02:53Seven, eight now?
02:57Sorry, Tim.
02:58It's just that I'm a little superstitious about those things.
03:02Yeah?
03:03Well, if you don't tell us what you wish for,
03:06you're not getting your present.
03:07Well, if you must know, I wished for a wife.
03:15Hey, perfect.
03:18That's what we got, yeah.
03:21And just don't over-inflate her.
03:27Tim, knock it off.
03:29Al has a very good chance of getting his wish.
03:31In fact, I've been thinking
03:32I might have somebody to introduce you to.
03:34Really?
03:35Mm-hmm.
03:35Really?
03:35Act the lonely heart mobile.
03:37Stay out of this.
03:38Don't move.
03:39You are the worst matchmaker.
03:40I am not.
03:40Don't do this.
03:41Don't do this.
03:41Besides, this woman is perfect.
03:43What's her name?
03:44I don't know.
03:46So she's a good friend.
03:48She is the sister of the woman
03:49I sit next to at work.
03:51She's supposed to be very sweet.
03:52Tell you what, I'll call Beth
03:53and get her number
03:53and then I'll call you
03:54and then you call her
03:55and then you call me
03:56and tell me everything she said.
03:57Okay.
03:57All right.
03:58No, no, no.
03:59Then you call me.
04:01I'll call Eddie.
04:01He'll call Freddy.
04:02We'll get pedicures.
04:04Oh, gosh.
04:07It's seven already.
04:09I better call the bingo hall
04:10and tell him I'm running a little late.
04:12This isn't your usual bingo night.
04:14Well, no, I know.
04:15It's, uh...
04:16Well, when you're a bingo regular,
04:17they do something special for you
04:18on your birthday.
04:20You get to sit next to the caller
04:22and use your age as a free space.
04:29Tonight, I'm N-35.
04:32Boy, you know,
04:33it just seems like yesterday
04:34I was I-19.
04:39He really needs somebody.
04:45Her name's Eileen
04:46and she's an orthodontist.
04:48Who?
04:49The woman that Jill found for me.
04:52I just spoke to her on the phone.
04:54She has a delightful sense of humor.
04:56Listen to this.
04:57How does an orthodontist
04:59hold on to a lawyer?
05:00She makes him a retainer.
05:07I think I know why she's available.
05:10Well, I, uh...
05:11I've invited her over for Friday night,
05:13told her there would be a few people.
05:16Now I just have to find a few people.
05:18Would you and Jill like to come?
05:21Can't make it.
05:22And if you were smart,
05:23you wouldn't show up either.
05:24Why?
05:25Because Jill is the world's
05:27worst matchmaker.
05:28She put seven couples together,
05:30six are getting divorces.
05:31Well, maybe we would be like
05:33the seventh couple.
05:34The seventh couple couldn't get married.
05:36Turned out they were cousins.
05:40Does everybody know what time it is?
05:43It's tool time!
05:45That's right.
05:45Binford Tools is proud to present
05:47Tim the Tool Man Taylor!
05:49Woo!
05:56Thank you all.
05:58Welcome once again to tool time.
05:59I'm your host, Tim the Tool Man Taylor,
06:01and you all know my assistant,
06:02Al Catch of the Day Borland.
06:06It's Male Hobby Week
06:07all this week on tool time.
06:09And today, Al and I are doing
06:11our tool time salute
06:12to fishing.
06:16You know, hobbies are important to men
06:18because they allow us
06:19to wind down a little bit,
06:20you know, and I don't know,
06:20I can't speak for everybody,
06:21but I work awful hard
06:22all week long.
06:24You have another job somewhere, Tim?
06:28Gosh darn it, that was funny.
06:30I really was.
06:32Who's writing your material?
06:33An orthodontist?
06:34What?
06:37Bite on that one, Big Worm.
06:40Look, we're talking about
06:42fly fishing today.
06:43In order to get a good information
06:44based on it,
06:45we've had a special guest
06:46that won a warm tool time
06:47welcome for ace angler
06:48Chuck Norwood.
06:56Welcome, Chuck.
06:58Thanks, Tim.
06:59Al?
07:00Well, you bought a nice
07:01section of rods here, boy.
07:03I'd love to see a worm
07:03try to wiggle off
07:04one of those big bad boys, huh?
07:06Well, actually, Tim,
07:07with fly fishing,
07:08there's no live bait involved.
07:09The fish are drawn to the fly.
07:12And under the heading of flies,
07:13you've got your two basic types.
07:15I'd be open and closed, Chuck.
07:20I think Chuck was referring
07:21to the dry fly and the wet fly.
07:23Yeah, this is a joke, Al.
07:24The dry fly floats on top of the water,
07:27whereas your wet fly
07:28has kept you out of every
07:29major restaurant in the Detroit area.
07:31How about a little demonstration?
07:35Yeah, this first one, Tim,
07:37is a real classic.
07:38It's handmade bamboo.
07:41Look at this.
07:41Boy, that's a good-looking rod.
07:42Yeah.
07:43That's nice.
07:43Yeah, prices for that
07:44started about...
07:47$800.
07:52Now it's $1,600.
07:55You've got two of them.
07:57Now, we have an insurance policy
07:59for these little accidents.
08:00Actually, Tim,
08:00our insurance canceled
08:02after fourth show.
08:03Well, glue it.
08:04What do we got now?
08:06Well, this next one's
08:07my personal favorite.
08:08All right.
08:08This is a Morgan BXL graphite.
08:11Not even you can break that, Tim.
08:13Don't bet on it.
08:13Hey.
08:15Boy, that's a beauty.
08:16Look at that thing.
08:17Yeah.
08:17I bet you get a big old
08:18sticky bass on this thing, huh?
08:20Mm-hmm.
08:20Hey, Al.
08:21Open up.
08:23You want to be careful
08:24using a graphite rod
08:26in a lightning storm
08:26because it is an excellent
08:28conductor of electricity.
08:30Oh, yeah.
08:31We've been known
08:31to have a lot of big
08:32electrical storms
08:32right here in the studio.
08:33Well, I'm just saying
08:34that if they happen
08:35to be in an area
08:36that is susceptible to...
08:47Bob?
08:48Can we have corn
08:49on the cob Saturday night?
08:50Sure.
08:51Why?
08:52Not supposed to tell.
08:53If you want corn,
08:54you'll tell.
08:56Okay.
08:57Isaiah Thomas
08:58is coming to dinner
08:59and he really loves corn.
09:01Isaiah Thomas?
09:04You can't say anything
09:05to anybody, okay?
09:07Hey, I'm home.
09:09Oh, I don't believe it.
09:11Well, I'm right here.
09:16What is this?
09:16Brad and Randy wrote a letter
09:18to Mark pretending
09:19to be Isaiah Thomas.
09:20It's not from Isaiah?
09:22Mark, no professional
09:23basketball player
09:24is going to come to our house
09:25to eat corn.
09:29Especially your mom's corn.
09:33Honey, look,
09:34you're eight years old now.
09:36It's time that we have this talk.
09:38Stop being such a sap.
09:44The letter looks so real.
09:46Let me give you
09:46some guidelines here.
09:50If something good
09:51happens to you
09:52and Brad and Randy
09:53are happy that it happened,
09:55it's probably not a good thing.
09:57I'm going to get them back.
10:01Wait, what do you
10:01want to do to them?
10:04I'm going to tell them
10:04that they're ugly
10:05and that their feet stink.
10:09Ouch.
10:11Well, it's probably
10:13not a good idea
10:14to tell them stuff
10:14they already know, right?
10:16Think of something, all right?
10:18Okay.
10:18All right?
10:20Oh, by the way,
10:21keep Friday open.
10:22I got sleepovers
10:22for all the kids.
10:23We are going out.
10:24All right.
10:27We almost got roped
10:28into going to Al's house.
10:29Where are we going?
10:30Al's house.
10:31No!
10:33More dip?
10:34Oh, oh, no.
10:35Thank you, Al.
10:36Dipped out, big fella.
10:43Don't worry, Al.
10:44Eileen will be here any minute.
10:53Any minute, boy.
10:55I should take a look
10:56at that rack of lamb
10:56before it dries out.
10:58Yep.
11:02She's 30 minutes late.
11:03She's not coming.
11:04Let's eat.
11:04She's coming.
11:05Stop whining.
11:06Try to say something supportive.
11:09Nice butt, Al.
11:16Well, that's probably her now.
11:22Hi.
11:23Hi.
11:24Hi.
11:26Al.
11:27Eileen?
11:29Well, would you like
11:30to come on in?
11:31Come on in.
11:32Hi.
11:33Hi.
11:33I'm Dil.
11:34I work with Beth.
11:35Nice to meet you.
11:35And the man behind the cheese
11:36ball is my husband, Tim.
11:38Hi.
11:39This is very exciting for me.
11:40I'm a big fan of the show.
11:42You are so funny.
11:43Thank you very much.
11:44And Al,
11:45I'm so confident.
11:47Thanks.
11:52Would you like
11:53something to drink?
11:54That'd be great.
11:55Um, wine?
11:58Oh.
12:01This really isn't like me,
12:02being late.
12:03I mean, normally,
12:04I am right on time,
12:05or early.
12:05Well, what a coincidence,
12:06Al is always early.
12:08Isn't that right, Tim?
12:10Yeah, sometimes he shows up
12:11before he's invited.
12:12I just had one of those days
12:15where I couldn't get out
12:16of the office,
12:16and then on the way over here,
12:18my car stalled.
12:19I'll take a look at it.
12:20Al should look at it.
12:21He should look at it.
12:22Eileen, I, I would love
12:23to look under your hood.
12:26I mean, I mean, of your car.
12:28I mean, of her car.
12:29Al, you have a great
12:30sense of humor.
12:32A sense of humor
12:32is very important
12:33in a relationship.
12:33Oh, yes.
12:34If I didn't have
12:34a sense of humor,
12:35I never would have been
12:36able to stay with Tim.
12:37How long have you two
12:41been married?
12:42Ah, it seems like forever.
12:45In a good way.
12:47Children?
12:48Yes, we have three
12:49delightful boys.
12:51And who would they be?
12:55I, myself,
12:57would love a big family.
12:59Oh, me too.
13:00Although I'm 36,
13:01and I worry that it's
13:02a little late
13:02to be getting started.
13:03Oh, no.
13:04No, you have plenty
13:05of good childbearing years left.
13:07Well, it's, it's, it's
13:10not only that.
13:11You know, it's the
13:11whole process.
13:12I mean, first you have
13:13to meet somebody,
13:14then you have to date,
13:16see if the chemistry's right.
13:17I just wish there was a way
13:19to cut right through
13:19all that.
13:20So do I.
13:21You do?
13:23You know, I,
13:24I, I wouldn't want
13:25to be too forward,
13:26but I, I would love
13:28to be the father
13:28of your children.
13:29Oh, no.
13:37Do you mind
13:42if we eat first?
13:46Hee, hee, hee, hee.
13:50I'd love to be
13:52the father
13:52of your children.
13:55I still can't believe
13:56the woman didn't go
13:57running out of the apartment
13:59screaming.
14:00That's because she's
14:02just as desperate
14:02as he is.
14:05Honey, you gotta
14:06applaud yourself.
14:07They're right for
14:08the perfect match.
14:09We gotta talk to Al.
14:10No, what are you doing?
14:11Don't talk, no, no.
14:12Stay at us.
14:12Hey, no, you're going
14:12way too fast.
14:13Stay at us.
14:13Way too fast.
14:14She practically moved in
14:15before dessert.
14:15Come on.
14:16Her car stalls once
14:17on the way over,
14:18and by the end of the night,
14:18she thinks that she
14:19can't make it home.
14:20Stop, stop, stop.
14:21Hey, Al, maybe I better
14:22stay on your couch.
14:25How long do you think
14:25she's going to be
14:25alone on that couch?
14:27Knowing Al, six months.
14:28Come on.
14:29Go, hang it up.
14:31You are just not
14:32getting this at all.
14:33These people are not
14:34acting rationally.
14:36You're not acting
14:36rationally.
14:37Hey, you cannot build
14:38a relationship based
14:39on desperation.
14:40We did.
14:43Tim, they were naming
14:45their babies.
14:46They were joking.
14:48They laughed when I said
14:49call it Tim, remember?
14:51Hang up.
14:52I'm not hanging up
14:53until you promised me
14:53that you're going to call.
14:55All right, look,
14:55I won't call Al.
14:56I'll talk to him tomorrow,
14:57okay?
14:58It's a waste of time.
14:58They would work this out
14:59by themselves.
15:00You know when you first
15:01get in a relationship
15:01around that emotional high?
15:03But after a while,
15:03you come crashing down
15:04to reality.
15:05I know I did.
15:19Happy hour, Wilson?
15:21No, no, no, no, no, no,
15:23no, Tim.
15:24I find that two coats
15:26of bourbon give my paintings
15:27a nice gloss.
15:29Two coats of bourbon
15:30will give anybody
15:30a nice gloss.
15:33You know, Tim,
15:34it was rumored
15:34that the Mona Lisa
15:36was covered
15:36with a splash of whiskey.
15:38That would explain
15:39why she had
15:39that little plastered look.
15:42Actually, Tim,
15:43I think that look
15:43may have had more to do
15:44with her supposed
15:45relationship
15:46with Leonardo da Vinci.
15:48I don't want to talk
15:49about relationships today.
15:51Problem, Tim.
15:52Yeah, she'll drive me nuts.
15:54She fixes it all up
15:55with a girl he likes.
15:56Now she thinks
15:56they're moving too fast.
15:57She wants to break them up.
15:59Why do women want to meddle
15:59in other people's relationships?
16:00Men don't care
16:01about this stuff.
16:01Oh, Tim,
16:02you're falling victim
16:03to a cultural stereotype.
16:05Historically,
16:05men have been
16:06the primary matchmakers.
16:08Mm-hmm.
16:08Mm-hmm.
16:10For example,
16:11among the Socia-Kaffir tribe,
16:13a young man's father
16:14would choose his first,
16:15sometimes even his second wife,
16:17in exchange for a sack
16:18of barley or a goat.
16:21I'd hold out
16:21for a sack of cash
16:22and a jag.
16:26You see, Tim,
16:27unlike the ancient matchmakers
16:29who received goods
16:30for their services,
16:31Jill's motives are much purer.
16:33She only wants
16:34what's best for Al.
16:35Yeah, but why does
16:35she drag me into it?
16:37Who the heck knows?
16:38You know women.
16:43Okay, Mom,
16:44here's the fake letter.
16:45We're gonna get them great.
16:46Boy, this is a big moment
16:48for you.
16:48Your first prank
16:49against your brothers
16:50you came up with
16:51all by yourself.
16:52Mom,
16:53this is only the beginning.
16:57Hey, guys,
16:58how you doing?
17:00Yeah, so tonight's
17:01a big night, eh, Mark?
17:02I hope you have
17:02enough corn for Isaiah.
17:04Hey, Mark,
17:05look at this.
17:05You got a letter
17:06from Isaiah Thomas.
17:07Whoa!
17:08Another letter.
17:17Pool!
17:17Isaiah's leaving me
17:18five tickets
17:19to the Bulls game!
17:20Wait a second.
17:21Let me see that.
17:22Oh, man.
17:26Court side seats
17:26for the whole family.
17:28All we have to do
17:28is present a letter.
17:30Wait a minute.
17:30Let me see that.
17:33Right.
17:33So we're invited
17:34to the locker room
17:35to get an autographed
17:35game ball after that?
17:37Oh, my gosh,
17:37I can't believe it.
17:38Oh, my gosh,
17:39I can't either.
17:40Well, I don't believe it.
17:41You guys write this.
17:42Right.
17:42No, I swear.
17:44Really, Mom,
17:45we didn't.
17:45Yeah, we wrote
17:45the other one.
17:46We wrote the other one.
17:48Yeah, but Mom,
17:49this one's real.
17:50No, wait.
17:51You wrote a fake letter?
17:53Yeah, but this one's real.
17:54This one's real.
17:55I don't believe it.
17:56Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:58No.
17:58Oh, come on.
18:00I got this piece.
18:02Uh-huh.
18:02Tim.
18:03Tim.
18:04Mark wrote that letter.
18:05I knew that.
18:09Hey, we're all in this together.
18:10Suckers, suckers.
18:14You can.
18:14Nice try, Dad.
18:15I knew it.
18:15I knew he did that.
18:16Okay, guys,
18:17go on up and wash your hands.
18:18Good job.
18:20Can I go up and tease him?
18:21Absolutely.
18:23Great.
18:25I'm gonna clean up
18:25and get to work.
18:27Yeah, well,
18:28don't forget to talk to Al
18:29about Eileen.
18:30You know,
18:31I got a better idea.
18:32I'm thinking
18:32maybe I'll bring him over,
18:34right, both of them,
18:35and they can watch
18:36how we are together
18:37and I'm sure they'll decide
18:38they're much better off
18:39being single.
18:43Ford product, obviously,
18:44Mustang 67.
18:46You know it, Tim.
18:46There you go.
18:47I have over 700 wheel covers
18:49and hubcaps
18:49in my collection at home.
18:51Wow.
18:52That takes a lot of space.
18:53You must have
18:53a real understanding why.
18:54She left me, Tim.
18:57She said it was either her
18:58or the hubcaps.
19:00Hmm.
19:00Hate to hear that,
19:01but I think you made the decision
19:02most of us wouldn't make.
19:03Right, Al?
19:05I don't think so, Tim.
19:07I would never trade wheel covers
19:09for the love of a good woman.
19:12And unlike you,
19:13I have never used the show
19:14as my personal form.
19:15I would like to say something
19:16to my special lady.
19:18Al, what are you going to do?
19:19Speak from the heart.
19:20Al, don't do this.
19:21Al!
19:22It was good to have you on the show.
19:23Thanks for coming,
19:24and thanks for coming.
19:24Dr. Eileen Markham,
19:26I, Albert Borland,
19:28would like to spend
19:28the rest of my life with you.
19:30Will you marry me?
19:32It's great.
19:33Great.
19:34That's great.
19:35What are you doing?
19:36What are you doing?
19:37I'm proposing.
19:38You crazy?
19:39Crazy is crazy in love.
19:40Oh, boy.
19:41Aren't you all?
19:42Aren't we all?
19:43Well, that's all the time we have.
19:44Cloud, some music, please?
19:46That's it for Tool Time.
19:47Thanks for being here.
19:48See you next time.
19:49Thank you very much.
19:51Hey, Fred.
19:52Are you out of your mind?
19:53On the contrary, Tim,
19:54I've never felt clearer.
19:56You've only known the lady
19:56a couple of days.
19:57Yes, but I know
19:58everything about her.
19:59Is she married?
20:01I don't know.
20:02Uh, is she from around here?
20:04I don't know.
20:05Is she allergic to flannel?
20:06Does she have any weird tattoos?
20:08Can she digest asparagus properly?
20:10I don't know.
20:11What do you know about her?
20:13Well, I do know that I like her,
20:15and I want to start a family
20:16before I get too old.
20:18What?
20:19Well, you know,
20:19my father was almost 60
20:22when I was born.
20:24I didn't know that.
20:26Yeah, well, I...
20:31When we would go to the park,
20:33we would sit there
20:34and feed the pigeons
20:34while I would watch
20:35the other kids
20:36play ball with their dad.
20:39Well, the 60s a ways off, buddy.
20:42Getting married is a big...
20:44It's a big step.
20:46It's, um...
20:47It's like when you bought
20:49your saber saw.
20:50You didn't buy
20:51the first one you saw, did you?
20:52Of course not.
20:53Well, you went back
20:54to the hardware store
20:55a couple times,
20:55looked at a few of them,
20:56make sure there's no surprises.
20:58Well, yeah, that's...
21:00That's true.
21:01All right, women are like that.
21:02You don't want to marry
21:03a saber saw
21:04and wake up one day
21:05and find yourself
21:06lying next to a jackhammer.
21:10So, what you're saying is
21:12you don't want to go to bed
21:14with one tool
21:14and wake up with another?
21:15Well, ideally, you don't want
21:22to be going to bed
21:22with tools, but...
21:24I think you...
21:25You know what I'm
21:25driving at here, Al?
21:29Yes, I do.
21:31Oh, but, uh...
21:32Tim, I've already proposed
21:34it's going to be on the air
21:35in a few hours.
21:36I think I got that covered.
21:38Really?
21:38Yeah.
21:40When do you say you and I
21:40go over to the park
21:41and play a little catch?
21:42That'd be great.
21:44Then maybe we could, uh,
21:45feed the pigeons.
21:46Let's not get carried away, Al.
21:49I'd have to say
21:50this is, uh,
21:52Mustang, probably 67.
21:54You know it, Tim.
21:56He really proposes
21:57to her on the air?
21:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:58Why didn't you stop him?
22:00I couldn't.
22:00He was like a bell sander
22:01headed for some pine.
22:03What is going to happen
22:04when she sees this?
22:06Covered, covered.
22:08Thanks for coming.
22:09Dr. Eileen Markham,
22:10I, Albert Borland,
22:12would like to spend
22:13the Tuesday night.
22:15I'm approaching on steam.
22:19I'm approaching on steam.
22:20Come here.
22:21Look, it's Godzilla.
22:23It's Godzilla.
22:24It's dangerous.
22:25The city's a danger.
22:25It's Godzilla.
22:28It's not as your mother.
22:29It's not as your mother.
22:37Dear Mark,
22:39Sorry it's taken me
22:42so long to write back.
22:44But I've been really busy.
22:47Isaiah, honey,
22:47come to dinner.
22:48In a minute.
22:50I got to write back
22:51to this kid.
22:52He's written me 25 times.
22:54Your corn's getting cold.
22:59Isaiah, honey,
23:00come to dinner.
23:01In a minute.
23:02I've got to write back
23:03to this kid.
23:04He's written me 25 times.
23:06Come on, Zeke, man.
23:07Forget the kid.
23:08The corn's on, buddy.
23:10Corn.
23:11Come for your corn.
23:12We've got corn.
23:12We've got...
23:13There's pimentos.
23:14Come on, buddy.
23:15Come on.
23:17Come on.
23:17Come on after that.
23:18Come on.
23:19Oh, my God.
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