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TVTranscript
00:01Today on Tool Time, we're gonna talk about a real American hero.
00:05A super-sized sausage submarine.
00:10Also known as the SS Cholesterol.
00:13I thought we were talking about squeaky floors?
00:15We are, we are.
00:17And the obvious connection would be?
00:19Stick with me.
00:20Let's say your wife has you on one of those low-cal mulch and grass diets,
00:24but you got one of these bad boys
00:26hidden out in that camp cooler in the garage.
00:28So, you wait until she drifts off to sleep, snoring like a bandsaw.
00:34You creep out the garage to get it,
00:37but as soon as your feet hit the floor, what happens?
00:44She wakes up.
00:45Hey, leave that submarine sandwich alone, you big tub of lard!
00:49Get back into bed!
00:51You're gonna be nothing but fiber for three months!
00:54And you doubted the connection.
00:57I'm hating myself now.
01:06The point is today, how do you get rid of that tattletale squeak?
01:10Well, first you have to determine if you have a squeak, a creak, or a groan.
01:15Oh.
01:23Because each one of those will require a different repair.
01:26Right, Al.
01:27Now, Larry, you want to bring Cameron here.
01:29Normally, a squeak is caused by wood rubbing against a loose nail.
01:32Now, if you have your squeak between the joists, what you want to do is add a bridge.
01:37All right.
01:38Now, older homes, like older people, tend to groan.
01:46That's because there's a sag and weakening between the beam and the joists.
01:49Oh, my aching beam.
01:51I got such a pain in the joists, you shouldn't know!
01:55Our older viewers will want to write, Tim, at tool time.
02:01P.O. box 327-33.
02:06Now, if you have a creak, which happens when two boards rub against each other, we have an old carpenter's remedy.
02:12Right.
02:13Take an old squeezeable ketchup bottle filled with talcum powder.
02:15Now, you want to direct the talc between the boards, give it a good healthy squeeze.
02:33You know, I don't think many people know, but on weekends, Al does mime at the mall.
02:41Look at these apples, Al.
02:45Now?
02:46Let's go.
02:47Let's go.
02:49No.
02:50I don't know.
02:51I don't know.
02:52I don't know.
02:53Let's go.
02:54Let's go.
02:55Let's go.
02:56Let's go.
02:57Let's go.
03:15guitar solo
03:45What do you think?
04:15Sorry, Dad.
04:19Ah, it's just a tow, man. You're doing great.
04:21No, I'm not. I think I should just quit. I'm no good at this.
04:25Oh, I'm no good at a lot of things. Doesn't stop me.
04:29I don't want to hear anything more about you quitting.
04:33Good news, I think he's gonna quit.
04:35He can't quit. He's only been doing it three weeks.
04:39Besides, I really think he's getting better.
04:41Better? He sounds like Al's mom at a luo.
04:48Tim, he begged us for those saxophone lessons.
04:51I'm trying to teach... Excuse me.
04:52I'm trying to teach him to stick with something, you know, follow it through.
04:55You don't want him to be a quitter, do you?
04:57Quitting would be a bad thing.
05:02But being a quitter's parents, we could live with that.
05:05You know, it's always bad in the beginning.
05:06You think Mozart's parents enjoyed listening to him practice?
05:09Great example. They named their kid Wolfman.
05:13Wolfgang.
05:14So, group of wolf. What's the difference?
05:16I really stink at this.
05:20No, you don't. You just got started.
05:22It'll take you a couple months to figure out whether you stink or not.
05:27Whoa, you're all wet.
05:30Good work, Sherlock.
05:32What happened?
05:34Paul and Vinnie McGurn stuck me upside down in a snowbank.
05:38I hate those guys.
05:39I thought we told you to stay away from the McGurns.
05:42They're big, ugly, and stupid.
05:44That's a lethal combination.
05:45I had no choice.
05:47Vinnie challenged me to a sled race.
05:49So you beat the guy, and he dumped you in a snowbank?
05:51That's typical of those guys.
05:53No.
05:54They beat me, and this was part of their victory celebration.
05:57I hate those guys.
06:00I swear, this time I'm gonna get them back.
06:03I hate those guys.
06:04We know, Brad.
06:06I'm just gonna walk up to Vinnie and start swinging.
06:09No, Randy, don't be stupid.
06:10Don't try to fight Vinnie.
06:12For once, Brad's right. Listen to him.
06:14Get someone else to beat up Vinnie.
06:16There's this one boy in my class.
06:17His name's Troy.
06:18For a quarter, he'll punch himself in the face.
06:22Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
06:25I've always told you guys, fists don't accomplish anything.
06:28You can get Vinnie McGurn back at his own game.
06:31What are you talking about?
06:33Challenge him to another race.
06:35Dad, there's no way I can beat Vinnie.
06:38He has that new sled, the bullet-nosed downhill racer.
06:41But you got the tool, man.
06:44I think we can turn this old jalopy into a speed demon.
06:48It's light.
06:49It's got a classic design.
06:51Maybe put a spoiler on the front of that for airflow.
06:53I'll take the burrs off these runners,
06:55sand this thing down, bevel the edge,
06:57put a shine in there.
06:58Maybe this will be smoother than butter on a baby's butt.
07:00Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:03I hate those guys.
07:05Let it go, will you?
07:06Just let it go.
07:10Hey, Mark, go up and get your shoes on.
07:12I'm taking you for a haircut.
07:13Mom, I don't need a haircut.
07:16Oh, please, I could turn you upside down.
07:17I'm off the floor with you.
07:19Besides, uh, the barber is right next to Brad's saxophone teacher.
07:22I can get you a trim while he's having his lesson.
07:25You just want to get out of here and Brad play.
07:27I never said that, and if it gets around, I never said that.
07:32Brad, where's your saxophone?
07:33You have a lesson in 20 minutes.
07:34Mom, why do I have to keep taking these stupid lessons?
07:38Brad, sit down.
07:39Is this going to be another one of those
07:41when I was a little girl stories?
07:43No, will you just listen?
07:44When I was a little person about your age,
07:53I had to take flute lessons for five years,
07:56and it wasn't always fun,
07:58but I was really glad that I stuck to it.
08:02Why?
08:02It's not like you ever play the flute now.
08:04Well, that's true,
08:07but I take great joy
08:08in knowing that I could if I wanted to.
08:12Besides, if you get really good at it,
08:13we could have mother-son jam sessions.
08:17There's a dream come true.
08:22Mom!
08:23Can't find my shoes!
08:25I swear.
08:26His head wasn't attached.
08:27He'd...
08:28Oh, no, I'm channeling my mother again.
08:32I'm coming!
08:38Hey, Randy,
08:39did you test out the sled?
08:41Yeah.
08:42Was Dad's spoiler cool?
08:44Yeah, I was going so fast,
08:46I think I missed my next birthday.
08:50Damn.
08:51That's fast.
08:54What happened to your wrist?
08:55Well, when I hit Dead Man's Curve,
08:57my sled went one way
08:59and my wrist went another,
09:00right into a tree.
09:03Well, is the sled okay?
09:08Yes, thanks for caring.
09:11Here comes Mom.
09:12Oh, don't tell her about my wrist.
09:14She'll overreact.
09:16Okay, come on, Brad.
09:17Randy, hi.
09:18Hi.
09:18Um, listen, your dad's just pulling up now.
09:20We'll see if we'll be back before dinner.
09:21Okay.
09:21Bye.
09:22Bye.
09:24Boy, we lead fast-paced lives.
09:27Hey, Randy.
09:30Hey, Dad.
09:32What's the matter?
09:33Well, I had a little run-in with a tree.
09:36Who started it?
09:38The tree.
09:40Hey.
09:41Did your mom see this?
09:42No.
09:45Can you bend it?
09:47Sort of.
09:48All right.
09:48Can you do this?
09:49Yeah.
09:51Can you do this?
09:58All right, smart guy.
09:59Sit up there.
09:59Let me take a look at it.
10:01Careful, careful.
10:03Ooh.
10:05Ow!
10:05Ooh.
10:06That hurts, huh?
10:08No, I just have a condition
10:09that makes me say ow every ten minutes.
10:12I'm gonna run you down
10:13to the emergency room
10:14to get an x-ray for you.
10:15Write a note to Mom.
10:16Dad, I don't need to go
10:17to the emergency room.
10:19That's what I usually tell Al.
10:25How does he get you to go?
10:27I don't know.
10:28I'm usually passed out by then.
10:33Don't worry.
10:34They'll take real good care of you here.
10:36Is this an emergency room
10:37that you come to all the time?
10:38I don't come here all the time.
10:40Hey, Toolman.
10:41Hey, buddy.
10:41Hi, Mr. Taylor.
10:42How are you, Tim?
10:43Hey, Buzz.
10:44How are those little girls?
10:45Chanel and Sierra, right?
10:46Good.
10:46Real good.
10:47Hey, Lori.
10:48Man, you're better known here
10:49than you are at Sears.
10:51Mr. Taylor.
10:52And you walked in
10:53under your own power.
10:56Always a good sign.
10:57Well, actually, uh...
10:58You know I keep your file handy.
11:03Actually, uh...
11:04That's all you?
11:05That's just this year.
11:07It's not me today, Marge.
11:08It's my little son, Randy.
11:10Well, how cute.
11:11Like father, like son.
11:14What's doing, Randy?
11:15Well, he went off of his sled
11:16and hit his wrist.
11:18Oh, we'll take care of that.
11:20You know the drill.
11:21Okay.
11:22Hold on a second.
11:22You doing all right?
11:27Yeah.
11:28Okay.
11:29Let's fill this out quick.
11:32Birthday is the 18th?
11:33Eight.
11:34Eight.
11:3697 pounds, isn't you?
11:37No.
11:3880.
11:3980.
11:40All right.
11:42Big brown eyes, huh?
11:46Big blue eyes.
11:47Here you go, Tim.
11:53Coffee.
11:54Just the way you like it.
11:56Cream and five sugars.
11:57Thank you, Buzz.
11:58A couple more sugars,
11:59they're gonna be calling you Buzz.
12:02All right.
12:04What's gonna happen now?
12:05Well, they're gonna run you back to X-ray,
12:07take a photograph of your wrist.
12:09What if it's broken?
12:11Well, don't worry about it.
12:12They're great here.
12:12They'll set it in the cast
12:13and it'll be as good as new in two months.
12:15Two months?
12:16Oh, it goes just like that.
12:19I remember when I broke my arm.
12:21I was younger than you.
12:23Well, how'd you break it?
12:24Well, the first time,
12:26I was six or so,
12:29in the garage looking at my little red wagon.
12:31Oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:32That thing needs more power.
12:33Oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:36I'm not sure Mom's gonna be too happy
12:38when she finds out we souped up the sled.
12:40Don't worry about it.
12:41Do we have to tell her?
12:42Yes, yes.
12:43You can't lie to your Mom.
12:44I get two lies a year
12:46and I'm not wasting one on you.
12:50Mr. Taylor, this way to x-ray.
12:53Look who I'm telling.
12:56You know, Marge,
12:57it's kind of gratifying
12:58to be here in the hospital
13:00and not be a patient.
13:02See you, tool man.
13:04Hey, buddy.
13:04Well, maybe you can have
13:10that feeling another day.
13:13I'm home.
13:19What happened at the hospital?
13:20How's Randy's arm?
13:21Oh, it's fine.
13:22Doctor says it's sprained.
13:23He'll be up and at him
13:24in two days.
13:25Oh, thank goodness.
13:26Where is he?
13:27He's over at Jeremy
13:28showing him my x-ray.
13:29Your x-ray?
13:30Yeah, I banged my head down there.
13:32Took an x-ray.
13:33Showed nothing.
13:37Big surprise.
13:39Big surprise.
13:41What are we eating?
13:42Pizza.
13:42Will you set the table?
13:43Uh-huh.
13:44So, what happened to Randy?
13:46The sled just got away from him?
13:47You need how they are
13:48with those sleds, you know.
13:49You know, it gets all icy.
13:50Wind catches the spoiler.
13:51Wait a minute.
13:53Since when do sleds have spoilers?
13:57It's not uncommon.
14:01I don't believe you.
14:02You powered up the sled?
14:03Oh, I tweaked it a little bit.
14:05It's not like I put a motor on it.
14:08Although...
14:08Tim.
14:10I just did it because
14:11the McGurns' father bought them
14:12this downhill bullet-nose racer.
14:14So what?
14:15So?
14:16Randy challenged him to a race.
14:18That was a stupid thing to do.
14:20Not quite as stupid
14:21as what he originally planned.
14:23Which was?
14:24He was gonna hire some kid
14:25that hits himself in the face
14:27to fight Vinnie McGurn with him.
14:29Troy?
14:33I suggested a more sensible alternative.
14:36Oh, a sensible one?
14:37Like sending our son
14:38barreling down a hill
14:38on a death machine
14:39to win some stupid race?
14:41You are so wrong.
14:43This is a practice run.
14:44The race is until Saturday.
14:47No, it's not.
14:48Yes, it is.
14:50He was challenged by Vinnie.
14:52You said that Randy challenged Vinnie.
14:54Eh, well, then Vinnie challenged him back.
14:57You just don't understand
14:58the intricacies of the male mind.
15:00Yeah, explain it to me.
15:01I've got a minute.
15:02Okay.
15:03Guy A challenges guy B.
15:05If guy B accepts the challenge,
15:07guy A is automatically challenged
15:08by guy B
15:10not to back down
15:10from the challenge
15:11that A gave to guy B.
15:12Okay, let me explain to you
15:16how a woman's mind works.
15:19Guy A and guy B
15:20are both idiots
15:21and Randy is not racing.
15:24Come on.
15:25Sugar plum, honey buns.
15:28There's nothing wrong
15:29with two kids
15:30have a nice race
15:31down Dead Man's Curve.
15:32Down what?
15:35Fred Man's Curve.
15:36It's going to take your mom
15:49about two minutes
15:50to find that.
15:50Now, if you bury it,
15:51you might have a shot at it.
15:54Dad, I'm no good
15:54at playing the saxophone.
15:56You were great this morning
15:57playing Bob Bob Black Sheep.
15:59Dad, that was Mary
16:00had a little lamb.
16:01Well, lamb, sheep,
16:03it's all about wool.
16:04Just try a little harder,
16:05will you?
16:05Wilson, what are you
16:09doing up there?
16:10Well, Tim, I'm trying
16:11to get Mrs. Foley's
16:12cat Fluffy
16:13out of that tree.
16:14Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
16:17So how was your day?
16:19A little frustrating.
16:21I'm trying to explain
16:21to Jill the meaning
16:22of the word challenge.
16:23Well, I would think
16:24living with you
16:24that she'd be an expert
16:25on that.
16:28No, I mean when one man
16:29challenges another man.
16:30She doesn't realize
16:31you can't back down
16:32from that.
16:33Uh-huh, so Al
16:33is being obstreptuous
16:34at work again?
16:36No, he took some
16:36penicillin, he cleared
16:37that up.
16:39You know Vinnie McGurn
16:40next door?
16:41Oh, yes, indeed.
16:41He's the reason
16:42that Fluffy's up
16:43in the tree.
16:45Well, he and Randy
16:46got themselves
16:47in this sled race
16:48challenge, and Jill
16:50doesn't want him
16:50to do it.
16:51She's afraid he might
16:51hurt him some.
16:53Well, Tim, Jill's
16:54reaction is quite,
16:56quite natural.
16:57It's common for the
16:57female of the species
16:58to protect her young.
16:59Well, I'm trying
17:00to protect my young
17:01from the Vinnie
17:01McGurns of the world.
17:03Ah-ha-ha, so you
17:04are encouraging Randy
17:05to act like the
17:07Saiga Antelope.
17:08Yeah, yeah, exactly.
17:09What?
17:10The Saiga Antelope.
17:11They roam the
17:12Russian plains.
17:14Any invader who
17:15challenges the males
17:16to Maine is met
17:17with a fight.
17:18Ah, Russia.
17:19Where are the deer
17:20and the antelope
17:21plains?
17:23Unfortunately,
17:23the males of the
17:24species are so
17:26obsessed with running
17:27back and forth
17:28and butting heads
17:29that they barely
17:29ever eat so that
17:30when wintertime comes
17:31they have no body fat.
17:33They starve to death.
17:36And the sky is not
17:38flying all day.
17:42See, Tim, you can't
17:44allow a challenge to
17:46make you lose sight
17:46of what is really
17:47important.
17:56Hi, how's your hand?
17:57Fine, Mom.
17:59What are you doing?
18:00Working on my sled.
18:02I want to talk to you
18:03about that.
18:04I don't think you should
18:05do this race on Saturday.
18:06Mom, I have to.
18:08My wrist is going to be
18:09fine.
18:09Even the doctor said so.
18:11I just think that the
18:12combination of that hill,
18:13that sled, and your
18:14father is too dangerous.
18:17But, Mom, I'm fixing my
18:18sled and Dad's going to
18:19show me what I did wrong.
18:21I don't see why you have
18:22to race Vinnie McGurn at all.
18:24Because if I don't, he's
18:25going to think I'm afraid
18:26of him, and I'm not.
18:27You should be afraid of him.
18:29He's a scary guy.
18:30Huh.
18:31No kidding.
18:32At the father-son picnic,
18:34he's the only kid that was
18:35mistaken for his father.
18:38Now, you see, that's funny.
18:40Humor has always been your
18:41best weapon.
18:42But Vinnie's too stupid
18:44to understand my jokes.
18:45In your life, you're going to
18:50run up against a million
18:51Vinnie McGurns.
18:51Are you planning on racing
18:52all of them?
18:53I don't know.
18:55All I know is that I have
18:56to race this one.
18:57I have to fight back.
18:59But it's not a fair fight.
19:00I'm never going to have a
19:02fair fight.
19:03I'm the shortest kid in my
19:04class.
19:04Honey.
19:05And don't tell me that my
19:06height doesn't matter.
19:07It doesn't matter.
19:08It's what's inside that
19:09counts.
19:09Don't sell yourself short.
19:11Sorry.
19:11Look, in case you haven't
19:16noticed, even my little
19:17brother is the same size as
19:19me.
19:20Randy.
19:22Everybody grows at their
19:23own rate.
19:24Mark just had a growth spurt.
19:25I mean, you could have one
19:27at any time.
19:28Yeah, but probably not by
19:29this weekend, huh?
19:32No, probably not.
19:38I'm going to say something
19:39to you that I thought that I
19:41would never say to any of my
19:42kids.
19:43What?
19:46Kick some butt.
19:48All right.
19:58Hey, Tim.
20:00Jill, we got to talk.
20:01Yeah.
20:03Um, Randy's situation is a
20:06lot like the psychic antelope
20:08that pig out all summer long
20:12and finally act like buttheads
20:13to the Russians.
20:16I was with you right up to
20:17Jill.
20:17We have to talk.
20:19What I'm saying...
20:21I don't think Randy has to prove
20:35anything to Vinnie McGurn.
20:36I don't think there's any reason
20:37for him to race the kid over this.
20:38Oh, I think he does have to race
20:39him.
20:40Huh?
20:43Unfortunately, Randy feels that
20:44he has to prove something to
20:45himself and we have to let him do
20:46this.
20:47Now, I was wondering, um, is
20:50there some way that you can make
20:51the spoiler bigger and bevel the
20:52edges more?
20:55Are you my wife?
20:57Yeah.
20:58I read somewhere that if you heat
20:59the runners up, it makes it go
21:01faster.
21:01Is that true?
21:02That's illegal, Jill.
21:04What is this?
21:04The Olympics?
21:07Have you ever noticed that we
21:09agree on everything but never at the
21:11same time?
21:14Well, I have to admit that this time
21:16you were right, Tim.
21:20Ah.
21:26If I'm right, you would be...
21:32starts with W.
21:36Your wonderful, wise wife.
21:39No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:41Ah.
21:42If someone isn't right, they're
21:45generally referred to as...
21:48Really open-minded and big enough
21:52to listen to other people's
21:53opinions.
21:53Okay.
21:54I'm looking for something that
21:55rhymes with song.
21:59Right.
22:00So long.
22:06That was cool how you beat
22:07Vinny in that race.
22:08Yeah, did you see the way I took
22:10that curve?
22:10It was perfect.
22:11And I told you to race it.
22:13Yeah, right, Mom.
22:14Here you go.
22:17Hey, did you see how mad
22:19Vinny's father got when Dad
22:20was doing that victory dance?
22:23I can't believe he challenged
22:24him to the race.
22:26I can't believe your father
22:27accepted the challenge.
22:28Oh, it was just a sprain.
22:29Submarine sandwich, also known as
22:36the SS cholesterol.
22:39Dive, dive, dive.
22:48Any invader who tries to challenge
22:50the male's domain is met with a fight.
22:51I can't remember that song all of a sudden.
22:57It's...
22:57Lucia.
22:59I can't believe you challenged
23:00Dad to the race.
23:01I can't believe your father
23:03accepted the challenge.
23:04Oh, it was just a sprain.
23:08I'll get that fat guy in a rematch,
23:10I'll tell you that.
23:10All right.
23:20Bye for now.
23:32Bye for now.
23:33Bye for now.
23:34Bye.
23:34Bye for now.
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23:31
23:31
23:29
23:32
22:49
23:29
23:29
23:29
1:38:17