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00:00They Say
00:30That's the last time I go out photographing badgers.
00:49Sit down there and be quiet, and I'll make some cocoa.
00:52I've spent half my life up at that hospital.
00:55You've given me a season ticket to intensive care.
00:58And I didn't like the attitude of that girl at the desk on the way out either.
01:02Do you want all milk or half and half?
01:04Ask me when the next kamikaze mission was due.
01:07She nearly got that bottle of nail polish wedged right up her nose.
01:10I think we've had enough violence for one evening, Victor.
01:13And stop poking about at it. You'll make it worse.
01:18I can still smell it, you know.
01:21Smell what?
01:22I don't know, but it's worse when you stand by the sideboard.
01:27Double 70301.
01:29Hello, Mum.
01:31I thought I told you to go to bed and stop worrying.
01:33Oh, no, he's fine.
01:34He's fine.
01:35I'm not fine.
01:36Why are you telling I'm fine?
01:37Well, he'd gone out for the evening, was what happened.
01:43Up to Bluebell Wood with that new camera he bought.
01:47I told you he bought himself a new camera.
01:49Last Wednesday.
01:51I told you.
01:51After he read that article about retired people taking up hobbies to relieve anxiety and stress.
01:57Yes.
01:59So, he bought himself a camera, went up Bluebell Wood to take a picture of the sunset,
02:04and got mugged by soccer hooligans.
02:07Yes.
02:09Dixon's, I think.
02:10It was Dixon's you got it, wasn't it?
02:12Tell her I was sexually molested.
02:16He says to tell you he was sexually molested.
02:19I think he was joking, Mum.
02:21Well, he's got a few stitches, but it's not serious, fortunately.
02:27Not unless he develops a fatal brain hemorrhage within the next 48 hours, apparently.
02:33No, it didn't take anything.
02:35That's what's so aggravating.
02:37Just his watch, his wallet, and his camera, his credit cards, his checkbook, his pen, his pen knife.
02:46Oh, and his brown tweed jacket.
02:48Oh, that's just what I said, but they still took it.
02:52Perhaps they wanted to lie in a dog basket or something.
02:58No.
02:59No, they've given him an injection to make him sleep, but so far...
03:03No, not to put him to sleep, Mum.
03:05That's euthanasia.
03:07Yes, I will.
03:08Yes, tomorrow.
03:09Okay.
03:10Night-night.
03:11There's a skin on yours.
03:16You're not going to start watching that this time of night.
03:19I want to watch Prisoner and Cell Block H.
03:22So much for that sedative they're supposed to have given you, then.
03:24You know sedatives don't work and mean they're a complete waste of time.
03:28All the same.
03:29I reckon you could try and have an early night for once, just to give yourself the chance...
03:34You'll soon be through those underpants again, I see.
03:50I know, Jean.
03:51It's a mystery to me how he does it.
03:53Look.
03:55He wear out a suit of armor.
03:57They don't seem to last five minutes on him, do they?
04:00Here.
04:02You may as well use them to wipe their hands on.
04:07Yes, thank you, ladies.
04:08I wonder if I could bring in the lady out the road walking her dog at this point.
04:12Excuse me, madam.
04:13We're asking everyone in the world what they think of Victor Meldrew's disturbing tendency
04:17to wear out a pair of Y-france in ten seconds flat.
04:20Yes.
04:21The Bishop of Durham.
04:22What's your point of view in this one, sir?
04:25I don't think he slept very well last night.
04:29I told you not to leave that side gate over.
04:33I mean, what is it with kids these days?
04:35They're not cracking your sculliver with a tire lever for pleasure and profit.
04:38They're vandalizing your back wall and shoving bottles of urine through your letterbox.
04:43Shoving what?
04:45Well, you saw that in the doormat this morning.
04:47That was a free sample of LucasAge.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51For God's sake, Margaret, I just wish you'd learned to close doors behind you.
04:57You're right.
05:00I can definitely smell it.
05:02What do you think it is?
05:03I don't know.
05:04But it's worse when you stand by the sideboard.
05:06Well, don't stand by the bloody sideboard.
05:09Go home.
05:11You know he can't smell a thing, Gene.
05:14Not since that accident up his left nostril last summer.
05:16Ah, well, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
05:20You should never try and sniff a live wasp, Mr. Meldrum.
05:23It's a well-known fact.
05:25I was not sniffing a live wasp.
05:27What do you think I am?
05:28Some sort of village idiot?
05:30I was smelling a rhododendron.
05:32I didn't see the wasp and do...
05:33Oh, God.
05:36Here we go.
05:37That central heating again.
05:39It has even switched on.
05:40Mind your stitches.
05:42I'll ring the plumber.
05:44It's probably just an airlock.
05:47And not that one with a glass eye.
05:49That lavatory's still a death trap to this day.
05:52Look, are you going down to the police station this morning or not?
05:56God knows why.
05:58I know what they'll say to me.
05:59We'll get someone to look into it.
06:01Excuse me, a mask gun has just shot me 16 times up the bottom.
06:04Right, sir.
06:05We'll get someone to look into it.
06:07Stalin's death camp's PC perbrace down there now, sir.
06:10What are you doing here?
06:13Come on, out.
06:14Shush, shush.
06:17Have you tried him on a B5 supplement at all?
06:24They might catch the people who attacked you.
06:27You never can tell.
06:29Yes.
06:30They'll probably haul the million and give them the Queen's Award for Industry.
06:34They seem to care much more about the criminals these days than the general public.
06:37Where are the priorities?
06:38Mrs. Allphop's scared to go out to her dustbin after six.
06:42There's a boy of 15 in here, broke into a mortuary in Clacton and cut someone's head off for a laugh.
06:50I read that this morning.
06:51What is it with these people?
06:53They only got a £100 fine for criminal damage.
06:55I mean, we never used to go about hacking people's heads off when we were their age.
06:59You voted SDP.
07:04What's that got to do with it?
07:06That's how she got in, isn't it?
07:07People like you.
07:11Maybe we should start some sort of neighbourhood watch for our own protection.
07:15Maybe I should call a special meeting of the residents.
07:18Charm!
07:19You can bring me in one of those fizzy oranges.
07:28Margaret.
07:47What's the matter?
07:48Did you put a cat in our freezer?
07:53What?
07:54The bottom of the freezer cabinet.
07:56There's a cat in it.
07:59What?
08:00A dead one?
08:01Well, there's not play with a bloody ball of wool.
08:05It's frozen solid, woman.
08:09Oh, my God!
08:10I warned you not to go about leaving these doors open.
08:21You might know that something like this would happen.
08:24I've come over all cold.
08:27You've come over all cold?
08:29God almighty!
08:31Well, you're not going to take it out.
08:33I'm not going to leave it in there, am I?
08:35So his eyes light up every time you open the door.
08:40I think I feel sick.
08:50Are you sure it's dead?
08:54Well, she'd think it's a pretty safe bed, wouldn't you?
08:58I mean, it's a bit parky in there at the best of times.
09:02How's it supposed to have kept warm?
09:04Rub two fish fingers together to start a fire?
09:06How long do you think it had been in there?
09:12I don't know.
09:13I'll look for a sell-by date.
09:16I mean, that's all I need.
09:18The end of a perfect day.
09:21Just as well we don't have a chest freezer.
09:23We might be standing here with a frozen mammoth.
09:25It's that stray.
09:30It's been sniffing around here for two or three days.
09:33I think it's pretty safe to say it won't be sniffing anymore.
09:36I've gone right off those lean cuisines.
09:52Tissues.
09:53Tissues.
09:54Tissues.
09:55Tissues.
09:56Tissues.
10:00Tissues.
10:01Good morning, Mrs. Mildrew.
10:06Oh, Mrs. Burkett, I'm just off out, actually.
10:08Mrs. Warboys said you might have some jumble for us.
10:12I forgot every word about it.
10:13Oh, well, I can come back this afternoon.
10:15No, no, listen, I've got most of it sorted out in the loft already.
10:20Why don't you just help yourself?
10:21You know how the step ladder comes down.
10:23And Victor will be back any second.
10:25He's just gone out for his prescriptions.
10:26Well, if you're sure you can trust me.
10:28Oh, don't be daft.
10:30Well, these days, Mrs. Mildrew,
10:33we've had some money gone missing from the Institute, you know.
10:36Someone fiddled in the fun somewhere.
10:38Oh, comes to something, doesn't it?
10:40I know.
10:41We've had to freeze the kitty and everything.
10:43What?
10:46I said we've had to freeze the kitty.
10:49Yes, well, I'll just leave you to it, shall I?
10:51And I'll see you later.
10:53Bye-bye.
11:00She's right.
11:09It is worse when you stand by the sideboard.
11:11I'll see you later.
11:25Warning.
11:26May cause skin to turn dark red and flake off.
11:31May bleach-dyed fabrics.
11:34Avoid contact with mucous membranes.
11:37Apply to back of neck with extreme caution.
11:40If vomiting occurs, discontinue use.
11:50Use only as a tropical discramitive.
11:54Fine.
11:56What's in this one?
11:57Nasal spray containing mustard gas?
11:59Yes.
12:09Mama?
12:12Yes, fine.
12:13Come in.
12:15It's the, uh, radiators keep clanking.
12:19Absolutely deafening.
12:21Can't hear yourself think.
12:22Well, of course, they've stopped now, obviously.
12:32But you never know when they're going to start again.
12:34Where's your pump?
12:35Upstairs, I think.
12:36Oh, bloody woman.
12:46How many times do I have to keep telling?
12:53No, it's just in here.
12:55There.
12:55Right.
12:56Right.
12:56What am I supposed to do with this?
13:04Start a museum of Iron Age artefacts?
13:06I thought you said you...
13:07You thought.
13:11Right, then.
13:14Ah!
13:16Bloody hell, fire.
13:17That's red hot, that tank.
13:18What have you been doing?
13:19Testing nuclear warheads, isn't there?
13:21Oh, God almighty!
13:23Look at that.
13:24That's burnt me all down there.
13:25Look at that.
13:26Oh, sorry about that.
13:27Do you want some ointment, dear?
13:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
13:29I'm used to it.
13:30I'm bloody used to it.
13:31It's all right.
13:33I'll be all right in a minute.
13:34Well, perhaps he can get you some dressing art.
13:36Don't tell him that.
13:37He'll come back with a bottle of vinaigrette.
13:39Oh, no, no, no.
13:40I'm fine.
13:41Fine.
13:42Bloody used to it.
13:45Yeah.
13:46That's what I thought, you see.
13:48Your thermostat's knackered.
13:49You could fry an egg on that tank.
13:52Ah, look at that.
13:53Look, look.
13:54Coming up in blisters, huh?
13:56I mean, you must have known it was that bad, for God's sake.
13:59Well, no, actually, I'm not in the habit of crouching about in the airing cover dressed
14:02as Alec Guinness from Bridge and the River Kwai.
14:05I thought it was supposed to be hot.
14:07I thought that was the whole point.
14:09I'll have to order you a new one up.
14:11Take that lock back to the van.
14:13That's the big white thing on wheels, parked outside.
14:17How long's that going to take to come through there?
14:19Hello?
14:25Hello?
14:26Hello?
14:29Somebody?
14:31Somebody down there let me out.
14:38Mr. Meldrew?
14:40Mr. Meldrew?
14:42Undo this door!
14:43right three days fine thanks will have to be won't it
14:54oh for god's sake will you shut the hell up just shut up
14:59nobody steals with this all day
15:13hello victor where have you been i've been ringing all day i've had a basin full of
15:42this central heating market the plumber came and can't do to monday at the
15:46earliest well where have you been well i went to
15:49the library then down to the pub oh then i went into time to get some ear
15:52plugs uh then i went to see beetroot george about
15:55this residence meeting i've just got back where are you
15:57i haven't been home at all yet i'm at mrs burkett's
16:02well that's just it she hasn't come home and now mr burkett's got one of his
16:08trembling fits coming on
16:13just leave it mr burkett i'll sweep it up later
16:17well we don't know not since she left our place this morning
16:21we've been in touch with the police and they say they'll get someone to look
16:24into it oh dear that is a mystery
16:31did you hear that
16:36you better just stay with him till she gets back
16:39no i'm fine fine all right then right bye oh for god's
16:46sake
17:00my goodness what a night what oh hang on
17:22hey joy and now mr burkett's fretting that she's been abducted to grant sexual
17:28favors to various sultans of the united arab emirates
17:33you always did live in a bit of a fantasy world
17:35she must be somewhere did she see anything to you before she left yesterday i didn't see
17:40anything of her what time did she come around dad well i left her to go into the loft that must have
17:46been about 10 to 10. which
17:57oh god victor no what you haven't
18:02you haven't
18:04you haven't won margaret margaret
18:18mrs burkett
18:19good
18:31goody goody
18:31Well, how was I supposed to know?
18:51I mean, what am I supposed to do?
18:52Carry out a daily inspection of the premises now?
18:54The batty old women and mummified tomcats?
18:57See what man or beast has just been accidentally snared in our house for all eternity?
19:02I mean, I'm not telepathic. I don't know X-ray eyes.
19:05I don't wonder people attack you with an iron bar sometimes.
19:11Right, everybody here now?
19:12Yeah, we had exactly the same thing with our thermostat.
19:15They had to empty the whole tank through a rubber tube down the stairs,
19:19drained all the water off on the front lawn.
19:21Right, everybody.
19:21And we were fined 250 quid for illegal use of a hose pipe
19:25by a man watching the house from a helicopter.
19:29Right then, everybody. Serious crime.
19:31Now, I think we're all only too well aware
19:33of how bad the problems be coming around here just lately.
19:37Only this week, I myself was viciously attacked by a gang of youths
19:41and had to have urgent hospital treatment for a serious head wound.
19:45Can you smell something over here?
19:46I've been saying that all week.
19:48What is it, then?
19:49I don't know, but you can definitely smell it.
19:51And yet you can't smell it by the window.
19:53No, no, no, I know you can't.
19:54It's worse when you're standing by the sideboard.
19:56Look, I can't smell anything here, Margaret.
19:59No, you can. You go over there.
20:00If you can't smell it over here, what's it going over there for?
20:03Oh, I can smell it here now, all right.
20:05Well, go back over there, then.
20:07I wonder why you can't smell it here.
20:09No, it says you come through from the kitchen.
20:10Can you smell it as a sound?
20:12This is where you smell it worse, when you stand by the sideboard.
20:15I'll see if you can smell it by the window.
20:16No, you can't smell it, not by the window.
20:18You can only smell it by the sideboard.
20:21Look, for Christ's sake, it's perfectly simple.
20:23Everyone just stay away from the bloody sideboard.
20:27Why, what's wrong with it?
20:28I don't know. I can't smell anything.
20:30Now, look.
20:31Now, look.
20:32I think we're all becoming increasingly worried
20:35about the behaviour of young people around here these days.
20:38Letter and muck everywhere.
20:40And if you try and tell them about it,
20:42they'd cheek you back and daub your house with obscenities.
20:46He's right. They're vandals, all of them.
20:48And sadistic with it, too, some of them.
20:50That's right.
20:51Do you know what Meg and I found when we went up the tip yesterday?
20:54A dead cat.
20:56That some monster had suffocated in a plastic bin liner
20:59and stuffed down inside one of the skits.
21:03They must be sick of you.
21:04Church is too good for them.
21:08Yes, right.
21:10Yes, anyway, it's important that we take precautions
21:15if, for example, we go out on our own after dark.
21:18Now, here you are.
21:19You see, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.
21:21Oh, my goodness, he's got a gun.
21:23That's not loaded, is it, Mr. Beldrew?
21:25That's a starting pistol, isn't it?
21:27It may be. What's that got to do with it?
21:29It's a starting pistol.
21:31It's in case he's attacked in an alleyway by Linford Christie.
21:37The point is, Mr. Pratt, that it acts as a deterrent
21:40and frightens off would-be assils before they can do any damage.
21:44Anything you can arm yourselves with
21:45to show them they do mean business is all to the good.
21:49Now, the idea of the Home Watch Patrol...
21:52Poor old Mr. Melrose, next door to me,
21:55he can't get out of the house at all now.
21:57Oh, no, not since he had those new locks fitted.
22:01The idea is that some of us...
22:03You ought to sue that security firm.
22:05I was telling him the other day through the letterbox.
22:07If you ring up and file a proper complaint...
22:10Bring it, shut up!
22:12Now, we can all just stick together.
22:14We can...
22:15We can all just make an effort to just...
22:18to just try and just...
22:23What time does Emmerdale Farm start?
22:28I think it's just starting now, actually.
22:31Good night.
22:32Good night.
22:33Good night.
22:34Good night.
22:35Good night.
22:36Good night.
22:37Good night.
22:38Good night.
22:39Good night.
22:40Good night.
22:41Good night.
22:42Good night.
22:43Good night.
22:44Good night.
22:45Good night.
22:46Good night.
22:47Good night.
22:48Good night.
22:49Good night.
22:50Good night.
22:51Good night.
22:52Good night.
22:53Good night.
22:54Good night.
22:55Good night.
22:56Good night.
22:57Good night.
22:58Good night.
22:59Good night.
23:00Good night.
23:01How are we doing, me old cocksparra?
23:11Need any help at all?
23:12I need any help, I'll call an air sea rescue.
23:15Right, you are.
23:16If you do, just give me a shower.
23:19Oh, yes.
23:20That's a lovely fit, sir.
23:22Is it?
23:23Mate to measure, sir.
23:24Look like a red prat.
23:26Only from a certain angle, sir.
23:28And I mean, it's got a nice little zip on your inside pocket, you see.
23:30Keep your wallet nice and secure.
23:32What else is there?
23:34This one, sir.
23:37Here you go.
23:40Perfect, sir.
23:41For you, perfect.
23:44Fits you like a glove.
23:46This one hasn't got a zip.
23:48Well, it only keeps sticking, don't I?
23:49Bloody zips.
23:50I don't know.
23:51Looks a treat.
23:52Really does.
23:53Does it?
23:55What about these trousers to go with it?
23:59Yes, sir, yes.
24:00Yes, I can see your reasoning.
24:01Very good choice, sir.
24:02Very good combination.
24:03I also thought I might stick this paper bag over my head.
24:06What do you reckon?
24:09Dear comical character, sir.
24:10You should be on at the Palladium.
24:11Shall I wrap these up, you sir?
24:12You can dump them in the Thames with 500 tons of industrial effluent.
24:16I'm not buying them.
24:18I was looking for something in a brown tweed.
24:21I lost mine earlier in the week.
24:22Ah, that looks more the sort of thing.
24:27But that's exactly the sort of thing.
24:32Where did you get this jacket?
24:34Uh, that one, sir.
24:35Uh, I'm not sure I can remember where...
24:38Can't you?
24:38That's a pity.
24:40Because I know exactly where it's going.
24:43Here.
24:44What the hell do you think you're doing?
24:46Kick your hands up, you scabby little octopus,
24:48if you bury it, you're knife.
24:49Good morning, Mr. Meldrew.
25:04You're looking awful today, even worse than usual.
25:07Yes, Mrs. Warboys, it's a joy to be alive.
25:10I took your advice.
25:12I'm sorry?
25:13Protecting ourselves in the streets.
25:16My God, Father, how did you get that?
25:25Harold, my eldest, found it a few weeks ago
25:28when he was digging in the garden.
25:30I saw him start wagging his tail, and I thought,
25:32Hello?
25:33Are you sure it's safe to...
25:35It's like you said.
25:36It's only put in Terrence.
25:38I mean, it's not live or anything.
25:41Look.
25:41Don't do that.
25:46Mrs. Warboys' hand grenade.
25:53What did that get there?
25:55You stupid, stupid, stupid woman!
25:59Now, geez, I've not had time.
26:01He just didn't grab your hands off me, you bastard!
26:16Doesn't it say nothing but a bunch of thieving bloody job!
26:20and that's not all he keeps his old mad woman locked up in the attic
26:32no nothing at all mum
26:38it's amazing it's completely and totally disappeared no I never did find out what
26:46it was but it's gone now okay yes I'll talk to you tomorrow I got away again it
27:06won't get away next time I have a selection of Armalite rifles and surface
27:09to air missiles Victor you never guess what do you know what I just found out
27:13with that market the police called round a minute ago as large as life in one of
27:17those Claire stalls they brought your jacket back they were making a routine
27:25drugs raid on one of those tower block flats and that's where they found it
27:30it's even still got your checkbook inside
27:34what's the matter I think I've just carried out an armed robbery in broad daylight
27:44never mind I'll put the kettle on
27:48how can I smell by this sideboard
28:08they say I might as well face the truth but I am just too long in the tube
28:18I started to deteriorate and now I've passed my own sell by date
28:25oh I am no spring chicken it's true I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:32and my old knees have started to knock I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:39so I'm a wrinkly crinkly set in my ways it's true that my body has seen better days
28:47but give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:51one foot in the grave
28:53one foot in the grave
28:57one foot in the grave
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