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00:00They Say
00:30I'm really glad we arrived back to find this half-eaten double whopper with cheese lying in my front rosebed.
00:44Some people put manure in theirs, but I love none of it.
00:46A double whopper with cheese is a thing.
00:49Harry Wheatcroft swears by them.
00:53Still, it was a good evening, I thought.
00:57Mum!
01:00We're back!
01:02I thought they'd put on a really good show for a local group.
01:06There's another pool of water from that overflow out there.
01:10I thought you'd know much about it, of course.
01:12Having slept through most of the first half, like Rick Van Winkle.
01:16Even.
01:17Next time we go to a play, why don't you just put your pyjamas on and be done with it?
01:24Bad enough when you started cuddling the man in the seat next to you.
01:28Let alone all the comments you were making during the interval.
01:30I merely said that to me, the hunchback of not-to-dance costume didn't look historically accurate.
01:36That's all.
01:38What?
01:39You know full well, it was Peter Pan that we're doing.
01:44You do see things like that, a comic effect.
01:47I do not say.
01:48Well, who was that that kept swinging across the stage in a bell rope there?
01:51That was Mrs. Hemstridge from the co-op playing Tinkerbell.
01:54Well, I had to be that thick because of her glandular disorder.
02:00Well, why did she have one eye halfway up her forehead?
02:02I'm not saying she doesn't bear a passing resemblance to Long Cheney Senior, it's true,
02:08but she's got a lovely singing voice.
02:11She's one of the company's leading lights.
02:14So it hasn't put you off joining them, then, tonight?
02:17Nope.
02:18I've made my mind up.
02:20It'll be fun getting back to amateur dramatics after all these years.
02:23Mr. Whittaker says I could pop along on Wednesday evening.
02:28He thinks they might have a small part for me in their next production.
02:31Especially now they've lost their star performer, Desiree Gibson.
02:35Now she's become big and famous.
02:37Desiree Gibson?
02:38I expect that was her in the foyer behaving like Edna Everidge.
02:43She went to Jersey to do a Bergerac in January.
02:47And they say she's one of the six hand-riding penguins in that building society advert.
02:51She's done very well for herself and no question about it.
02:55Are you coming straight up to bed now or what?
02:57No, I'm going to do another hour or two in my situation comedy.
03:01Try and get this scene finished if I can.
03:05How's it coming along? All right?
03:06Very nicely, thank you.
03:08Very funny.
03:09When's it got to be in by?
03:14Um, closing date for entries, August the 1st.
03:19Will you let me read it?
03:20When it's finished.
03:23Anyone in mind for the parts?
03:26Joan Plurite and Bernard Breslau.
03:31Oh, good.
03:32Mom!
03:34We're back!
03:37Did you want some Horlicks?
03:38Did you want some Horlicks?
03:38Yes.
04:08Congratulations! You've done it again, haven't you?
04:15What's the matter? What happened?
04:19What is it?
04:23I take it you were the one who put all that powdered wallpaper paste in a big glass jar and left it upstairs last week.
04:29No. Oh, yes, I did. Yes, and the packets split open. Why?
04:35My mother thought they were bath salts.
04:39You know how she tips a ton of the stuff in?
04:42She fell asleep in the water, reading the Daily Mirror.
04:46Woke up like a giant tadpole in a bath of frog spawn.
04:51She looks like she's been pickled an aspic up there.
04:54Oh, dear. It's your right.
04:56Would you be?
04:58With both buttocks glued together like a treacle,
05:02transferred paper to one bottom and an handicapped cartoon to the other.
05:07I'll be up all evening now, striping them with a squeegee.
05:11I'm sorry about that.
05:12I suppose at least there's no lasting damage done.
05:19What's that supposed to mean?
05:21I suppose it was also your bright idea to store the polyfiller in that old sterident tin.
05:27What?
05:28You can start chipping.
05:37You can start chipping.
05:37Are you really ready, ma'am, or we'll miss the train?
05:52And don't try and carry that big suitcase down with your ankle.
05:55Have a nice day in Kettering.
06:13That's not a contradiction in terms.
06:15I should think she'll be glad to get home after last night.
06:19Will you be all right all day?
06:20You'd better eat up that pasty. It goes off at midnight.
06:25Yes.
06:26Well, I'll love you and leave you then.
06:30You'll have a nice morning of peace and quiet for a change.
06:33Be able to get on with your script.
06:35I certainly...
06:36Oh, mum.
06:49We're off now. See you tonight.
06:52Bye then. Bye, mum.
06:54No, mum.
06:55No, mum. It's hardly noticeable this morning.
06:59And anyway, people will just think it's a new type of hair gel.
07:02First time in eight days.
07:20Bliss.
07:21Bliss.
07:21Bliss.
07:21Bliss.
07:22Bliss.
07:23Hello?
07:23Hello?
07:24Good morning. My name is Mr. R.S. Gridley. Ringing from Kidderminster.
07:39Yes?
07:40K-I-D-D-R-M-I-N-S-T-E-R.
07:47Yes?
07:48In first place, shot B. Mike Hallett against John Verger.
07:54What?
07:56In third place, shot D. Doug Mountjoy against Jimmy Warrington.
08:01I beg your pardon?
08:03In third place, shot H. Dennis Taylor against Bill Webberneck.
08:08Dennis Taylor?
08:09Hello?
08:10Hello?
08:10Hello?
08:13Matt.
08:13Utterly Matt.
08:15Oh, Dad. Where was I?
08:25Hello?
08:27This is Gordon James Kirkoddy. Ringing from Kirkoddy.
08:32Yes?
08:34In first place, shot F. John Parrott against Tony Mio.
08:39Look, what the hell is this?
08:41In second place, shot D. Doug Mountjoy against Jimmy White.
08:46Look, you've got a wrong number.
08:49In third place, shot D. Steve Davis against Eddie Charlton.
08:54Look, I said I think you've got...
08:55Hello?
08:56Hello?
08:56Yes?
08:58Hello?
09:00Hello?
09:02This is Ulrich Eitel here.
09:08Speaking from Stockholm, Sweden.
09:10And here are my votes in the BBC shot of the championship snorkel competition.
09:28Look, what am I? Katie Boyle?
09:31You've almost died. You're all coming through to a private number. Do you understand?
09:38It's fast, please.
09:41Go away!
09:43All right, I guess.
09:45Hello?
09:47Victor Meldrew?
09:48No, who's he playing against? Hurricane Higgins?
09:51I just...
09:52Oh, yes. That's me.
09:55Speaking.
09:55Good morning. My name is Desiree Gibson.
09:58I was ringing for Mrs. Meldrew. She's in Kettering. Is that right?
10:02Yes, that's right. Do you want a number for her?
10:05It's...
10:060536-598-765.
10:11I should try around 12.
10:13Oh, you're very kind. Thank you.
10:15That's all right. Goodbye.
10:18How anyone's supposed to write with interruptions every three seconds just verbuggles the mind.
10:25That piece of choir is not a lot to ask for on a Monday morning.
10:39No, I think you are all right there.
10:42No worries at all there, Mr. Meldrew.
10:44What the bloody hell are you doing in there?
10:47Mrs. Meldrew is a bit concerned.
10:49The outlet might be a bit clogged up.
10:51Like, you know, but I think it's all clear now.
10:53I'm going up to your loft now and have a look at your overflow, okay?
10:56Oh, you need a new toilet, Doc.
10:59Do I?
11:00How do you get any privacy in your own toilet now?
11:14It's Nick in here.
11:16No, he's not. Go away!
11:17You had a good day, then, evidently.
11:30Eventually.
11:31After spending half the morning marrying the BBC snooker switchboard
11:35and doing arguments with three different people at British Telecom,
11:40I had more peace during the Blitz.
11:41How was your day?
11:46Oh, did that woman ring you at your mother's, Desiree Gibbon?
11:50Oh, of course.
11:52Gibson, that's what I meant to tell you.
11:56She's invited us to dinner at her place.
11:59I didn't know you knew her.
12:01Well, I don't.
12:02But she seemed to know all about me.
12:05She says she's holding a Bergerac party.
12:09You know, about half a dozen of her friends
12:12to watch her episode as it goes out on the air on Friday.
12:17She said, how are we fixed?
12:19I said, we'd got nothing on.
12:20It would be a thrill for the pair of us.
12:23Is that the sort of thrill you get
12:24when you plug your fingers into a light socket?
12:29How often do we get invited out to dinner parties?
12:33It'll be a change from sitting stuck in front of the television all evening.
12:37And you never know.
12:39With her contacts,
12:40she might know someone who could look at your script.
12:44Hmm.
12:46Hmm.
12:53What's it about?
12:54Can I see?
12:55When I finished, I told you.
12:57I presume Mick Stacey gave you his verdict
13:05on that overfill pipe in the loft.
13:08He did, yes.
13:10Told me the pipe was a complete write-off.
13:12Corroded away to Bergara, he said.
13:16Buggery, I think you're fine.
13:20Sorry?
13:21Corroded away to buggery.
13:22It's a technical term they use in the plumbing industry.
13:25Anyway, it's all under control.
13:27I'm getting a new one tomorrow.
13:30You are?
13:31Yes, then you can trust me to fit an overflow pipe.
13:34Pay him 50 quid for the privilege.
13:36And we need a new toilet, Jack, as well.
13:42I know.
13:43I know.
13:43What do you say it's supposed to be?
14:06It's very good.
14:13Excuse me.
14:39What the bloody hell do you think this is?
14:42There's a little bit in the corner
14:44or is that too far for you to walk?
14:47You might like living in a sewer
14:48but there's other people who prefer to walk down this road
14:50without being knee-deep in your half-digested lunch.
14:55Are you going to pick that up?
14:58Either you pick that up
14:59or I'm going to make a citizen's arrest
15:02and have you prosecuted.
15:06Don't twitch your head about it
15:08or you'll make me slip
15:09with your cutting end to my neck.
15:10If you don't keep still
15:13you'll be picking this ear up off the carpet.
15:16I just wish you'd leave well alone
15:18instead of going around everywhere like Charles Bronson.
15:24Metally defective people like that
15:26must have a double whopper for a brain.
15:27Yes, well, you're very lucky
15:30you didn't do something far worse.
15:32Yes, it's lucky you didn't see
15:33I was carrying a toilet, Doctor.
15:37Oh, this thing's as blunt as old Harry.
15:39I'm going to the shed
15:40to see if we've got some new blades.
15:42Don't even think about it.
16:04Thirty-three.
16:13Thirty-four.
16:17Thirty-five.
16:23Thirty-six.
16:26Wonderful.
16:31A precious record of your mother's
16:3380th birthday for us to treasure for always.
16:39No wonder they do them
16:41cheaper than anyone else.
16:44Well, we won't be using them again.
16:46I'm off up now.
16:54Well, I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
16:56I've got my rehearsals in the evening
16:58and we've got some big arrangements
16:59to get ready first thing
17:00so I want to be out early.
17:02Same with me as it happens.
17:05Why, where are you off to tomorrow?
17:08No way in particular.
17:10There's got a little job to take care of.
17:16Well, I love you.
17:43Oh, my God.
18:13Oh, my God.
18:43Come on, Prue.
18:44I'm sure you haven't got time for some breakfast, darling.
18:46My God, I must have been drunk last night.
18:49How about a pair of freshly squeezed grapefruit?
18:51Get off.
18:53Morning.
18:56Sorry to disturb you both.
18:58Only I've just had a disaster with my upstairs clump.
19:01Just a second moment.
19:02Sorry.
19:04Are you sure you're all right up there, Martin?
19:07It doesn't look any too safe.
19:09I'm fine.
19:10You just carry on.
19:13Okay.
19:15Sorry, ma.
19:16Shall we just go from your entrance again?
19:18All right.
19:18Leave that cactus and come over here.
19:48You can take your tights off another time.
19:50If you're not there by 10, Charles will start getting suspicious.
19:53Don't forget you've got to take the cat in to be doctored today.
19:56The way things are going, I think I might join him.
19:58I wonder what that cat would say if he knew what was in store for him.
20:01Well, I can wave goodbye to this pair.
20:03Something like that.
20:04Oh, God!
20:04Oh!
20:08I said he wasn't safe on that bloody gantry.
20:11What did he happen to?
20:11No!
20:12Martin, speak to us.
20:13I don't know.
20:14What is it?
20:16Your leg?
20:18It's my pacemaker.
20:20It's my pacemaker.
20:22You're going to kill yourself, man.
20:24It's hard to come.
20:25I'll go back the car out to the door and we'll run him off to the door.
20:27Look at his leg. Can't we do something to bleed to death?
20:31Hang on.
20:35We need a tourniquet or something.
20:39I'll get a bit of this curning up the top here.
20:43It's all seeping through here.
20:45Oh, come on, you bloody stupid thing!
20:49Are you all right?
21:01Here, let's get this round his knee. You lift it.
21:05It's no good. Some bloody idiots parked this car right across the entrance.
21:13We'll have to call for an ambulance.
21:15Let's see if we can get him to the sofa.
21:17Can he walk at all?
21:19Yes, I... I think so.
21:21Take it easy.
21:23No, no, no.
21:29We won't have time today.
21:31You've got him, Mark.
21:33No, no, no.
21:49Victor?
21:51Is that you?
21:53I'm absolutely amazed.
21:59I wouldn't have believed you had it in you.
22:0345 pages of absolute dribble.
22:10What?
22:12This is supposed to be funny.
22:15What do you mean?
22:16Well, wouldn't happen, would it?
22:18Stupid things like that in real life.
22:20Where do you get such ridiculous ideas?
22:25Oh.
22:27I thought it'd come out rather well.
22:30Oh.
22:31Well, that's that down the drain.
22:34Five weeks' work.
22:38I'd been enjoying writing that.
22:40I thought at last I'd found something I was good at.
22:43Well, that's just my opinion.
22:45The judges might love it.
22:47Oh, you're right.
22:49I've obviously been wasting my time completely as usual.
22:53Why don't you bring it along tonight?
22:55To Desiree's.
22:56See what she says.
22:57She'll give you a more professional opinion, perhaps.
23:00Oh.
23:01That reminds me.
23:02She asked me to record that program for her.
23:17How long do you think it'll take us to get there?
23:20How long do you think it'll take us to get there?
23:24I suppose we should leave ourselves about for...
23:33Any sign of them yet, darling?
23:35Nothing, no.
23:36They must have got delayed somewhere.
23:38Hurry up.
23:39It's just starting.
23:40Oh.
23:41Morning, Sergeant.
23:42How are you today?
23:43Just about staying the course, my love.
23:44Uh...
23:45Fillet steak, I think.
23:46Medium rare.
23:47And...
23:48Drop of the Chardonnay.
23:49I think we've got a bottle.
23:50I'll just check.
23:51Jim!
23:52Over here!
23:53What are you doing here, you old reprobate?
23:55Ha, ha, ha!
23:56Brilliant!
23:57You don't give us research for a part like that, does he?
23:58Well, on that one I did try and visit a few restaurants, you know, just to absorb the atmosphere.
24:04Jim, over here.
24:06What are you doing here, you old reprobate?
24:10Brilliant.
24:12Don't give us research for a part like that, does he?
24:14Well, on that one, I did try and visit a few restaurants, you know,
24:18just to absorb the atmosphere.
24:22Oh, that'll be Victor and Margaret.
24:24I'll get it.
24:25I thought they were never going to make it.
24:27It means we can all eat if you'd like to take your places.
24:29All right.
24:30On the bypass, it was at a complete and total standstill.
24:37I'm sorry we had to open the wine for Victor to take his valium.
24:42I know.
24:43It is getting worse, no doubt about it.
24:46Right.
24:48I believe Desiree mentioned seafood on the phone.
24:51Yes.
24:52Yes, that's all right with us, isn't it?
24:54Lovely.
25:00Where is it, then?
25:04Sorry?
25:05Where is it?
25:07What?
25:09The seafood.
25:13Seafood?
25:15Yes.
25:16Look, if you couldn't manage it after all, it's no sweat.
25:19Whatever you've prepared for us, I'm sure it's marvellous.
25:22Right, now, the plates are all in here, warmed up and ready, and serving dishes in here.
25:31And any other utensils you may need, I'm sure you'll soon find them.
25:37Right, well, I don't suppose you want me breathing down your neck while you're working,
25:41so I'll just go through and join the others on the way to all your delicacies.
25:49Oh, when you're ready with the first course, just stick it through the hatch.
26:02I wonder if there's a room in the house where I can kill myself.
26:07Oh, one more thing.
26:09If you could just put the selection of desserts on a trolley and we'll all help ourselves.
26:14Oh, Mr. Gibson, I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here.
26:20We haven't brought any food with us.
26:23I'm afraid there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
26:27Misunderstanding?
26:30But you agreed it all with my wife.
26:34On the phone the other day.
26:35No, I don't know where she got that impression.
26:41You told her you were in catering.
26:45In catering.
26:53What is it?
26:54They're not a bloody catering firm at all.
26:56You've got it all arse about face, as usual.
26:59God almighty, I thought you were supposed to phone up to confirm all the details.
27:03I tried a dozen times.
27:05The phone was always off the hook.
27:07Heavens above, woman, you must have realised.
27:10What on earth did you think I was talking about?
27:13When I said to make sure you bought the bill with you?
27:15Are they back yet?
27:28No.
27:29You know what it's like, Dan, that takeaway on a Friday night.
27:32Parts of them to volunteer, really, I suppose.
27:34Well, yeah, these things do happen.
27:36Well, if anyone would like some more soup, I can open another tin.
27:42Gerry was telling us the most horrific story.
27:45How he was vandalised this week.
27:47That's right, Wednesday lunchtime.
27:49I parked the car to go in the post office.
27:52And I come back.
27:53Some cretina's arsehole has dumped a sack full of garbage all over inside of my car.
27:58Guns and crap everywhere, for no reason at all.
28:02Jesus Christ, I find him, I'll have his balls for bacon dumplings.
28:05He won't know what's in you.
28:07Terrible.
28:08The trouble is, they never catch them, do they?
28:10They always get away with it.
28:12Ah, except this one made a fatal error.
28:15Left a clue behind.
28:16A clue?
28:18A load of crook transparencies I found amongst the potato peelings.
28:23Ah.
28:25Some gormless ghoulie in a cap in most of them.
28:29Not a vindictive man.
28:31But have I ever come across this bastard?
28:36Still, let's not get morbid at the dinner table, eh?
28:40See, I'll see if our cuckers arrived.
28:42Ah.
28:44Right.
28:44The back, the back, everyone.
28:46Who's for a double whopper?
28:50They say I might as well face the truth.
28:53But I am just too long in the tooth.
28:56I started to deteriorate.
29:00And now I've passed my own cell by date.
29:03Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true.
29:07I have to pop my teeth into tooth.
29:10And my old knees have started to knock.
29:14I've just got too many miles on the clock.
29:17So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways.
29:22It's true that my body has seen better days.
29:25But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave.
29:29I'm one foot in the grind.
29:31I'm one foot in the grind.
29:34I'm one foot in the grind.
29:38I'm one foot in the grind.
29:39I'm my feet.
29:40I'm one foot in the grind.
29:41I'm one foot in the steel.
29:44I'm one foot in the grind.
29:44I'm one foot in the grind.
29:45I'm one foot in the engine.
29:45I'm all foot in the speed.
29:46Jehovah is a grown-ird tour.
29:47I'm looks like', studentförgeist.
29:47I'm one foot in theに稱 einem foot in the wind.
29:50I'm one foot in the wind.
29:51I'm looking for two couples in the wind.
29:51Eventually I'm one foot in the wind.
29:53into the wind.
29:53It's okay.
29:54Yeah.
29:55I'm like, oh, oh, oh.
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