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00:00They Say
00:30They Say
01:00They Say
01:30Unbelievable, didn't you? She was reading at her age. Unbelievable.
01:42What about her at her age?
01:44The joy of sex. That old woman sitting next to me. I didn't know where to put my face.
01:49It doesn't seem to have put you off finding words for this brain teaser.
01:55Keyword undemocratic. What have you got?
01:59Mount, mate, moan, mound. Ride, rude, crude, nude. Rod, ram, nut, rut. Nice, cute, round dome.
02:12And door mice. Well, Freudian.
02:16Well, you can't wonder at it. Red's stuck under your nose all the while. Can't go anywhere these days.
02:22Evidently.
02:23I told you about these two waitresses I heard discussing their boyfriends in the pizza hut the other day. Discussing their boyfriends' dimensions.
02:31Well, what dimensions?
02:33What do you think?
02:35What dimensions?
02:37Well, they weren't comparing hat sizes.
02:39I want to listen to them when I'm filling up my salad bowl. Thank you very much.
02:44Well, there's no need to get a complex about it. You are what God made you.
02:48Exactly. I mean, we don't even know...
02:50What do you mean, what God made me?
02:57What's that supposed to mean?
02:59I'm not getting any complexes.
03:02I'm glad to hear it.
03:03Nothing to get complexes about.
03:05I don't believe these letters. Listen to this one.
03:12Dear Auntie Lucy,
03:14although we are both over 70,
03:16my husband and I still enjoy normal relations every Saturday night
03:19with the help of painkillers.
03:21My husband is a little confused as to the subject of contraception
03:25and always keeps his cap on as a precaution.
03:29£10 letter.
03:31Well, why do people want to talk about things like that?
03:36Well, with some people, that's all they can do
03:39is talk.
03:41That's all some people are capable of.
03:45What's the matter with you, suddenly?
03:46Nothing.
03:47What?
03:48Nothing.
03:48Well, another half hour, we'll be there.
04:05Bleak house with April and Vince.
04:09I suppose everything will run to his usual form,
04:11same as it always does whenever we're down there for a weekend.
04:14She'll laugh like a simpleton at everything I say,
04:16for no apparent reason,
04:18while he goes out the back and talks to his cucumbers.
04:23I thought when they moved down the coast to open a boarding house,
04:26we got rid of them forevermore, but no.
04:30Boarding house is more like a wildlife kingdom.
04:34Things you see darting about round there,
04:36skirting boards.
04:38Inspecting the mattresses like a day out at Chessington Zoo in itself.
04:41I expect they'll put us up in that pokey little attic room again
04:48where you have to open the fan light to take your vest off.
04:55Sorry?
04:57I didn't say anything.
04:59I thought you were about to tell me to, for God's sake,
05:00give it a rest and stop moaning.
05:02You go ahead, if it makes you feel better.
05:11There we are, there we are.
05:13There's more stew in the oven if you want it, anyone.
05:16Right, my love?
05:17It's lovely.
05:18Oh, Margaret, here we are.
05:20You're dining with us tonight, just here.
05:22There we go.
05:23It doesn't matter where I...
05:25Sorry about that.
05:31She's next doors.
05:33She can smell the fish stain on the chair.
05:37She hasn't been sick under the table.
05:39Oh, and won't wash your hands.
05:42There we are.
05:44Victor, on his way down.
05:46Yes, he's just coming.
05:47Of course, we haven't seen the pair of you since he retired.
05:52How's it all going, then?
05:53All right.
05:54Well, we have our ups and downs, you know.
05:57Oh, I love him to bits you, Victor, don't you?
06:00I only have to look at him when he makes me laugh.
06:02It's the way he keeps coming out with things.
06:04Yes, he does tend to.
06:07Yeah, he is.
06:08Oh, Victor, over here.
06:10We're at the captain's table.
06:12Everything all right for you?
06:14Generally speaking, no.
06:15I've just been into the bathroom in the top landing
06:18and discovered a dead seagull in the lavatory.
06:22You see what I mean?
06:23It doesn't matter what he says.
06:25He's got that dry wit.
06:28I'm not joking.
06:29It's in there.
06:30I lifted up the seat and there it was staring at me.
06:33One of his feet caught on that little lemon freshener thing.
06:37I'm being serious, for God's sake.
06:43Oh, dear.
06:45Well, really, it must have flown through the window
06:49and fallen in the bowl.
06:51Well, I didn't imagine it had come out of someone's bottom.
06:57I just wanted to know what you were going to do about it
06:59out of general academic interest.
07:01There.
07:02There's a dead seagull in the top toilet.
07:05Will you see to it, please?
07:07Yes, dear.
07:07Everything all right, everyone?
07:12And how's Victor?
07:13Hmm, so nice to see you.
07:16All right, my love?
07:18Oh, sorry.
07:19I thought Bruce Forsythe had just walked into the room.
07:21Oh, I love him to bits.
07:26Um, is you all right, both of you, Margaret?
07:29There's plenty more.
07:37Sorry about that.
07:39Must be the cat.
07:41I think I'm allergic.
07:51Oh, God knows when this bed was last turned.
07:54Look at this.
07:56Frank, I feel, she taught me how to yodel.
08:01Hard as a brick as usual.
08:04What was that?
08:05What?
08:05I saw something just scuttle across the top of that tall boy there.
08:10The next time I come here, I'm going to pack my elephant gun.
08:15How are you feeling?
08:16I think that brandy did you some good.
08:18What side do you want to sleep on?
08:22I don't mind.
08:23With...
08:24Oh, teeth.
08:25Oh, teeth.
08:45Oh, teeth.
08:50Oh, teeth.
08:52Oh.
08:52it's you
08:59would you get rid of it all right
09:01yes
09:01of course
09:02those swing bin liners aren't made for cormorants
09:05you tie them up and the beak keeps sticking through
09:09oh you'll have to get me some more of those anti-histamines
09:18well I put their poison down by the nest
09:21I don't think they'll be doing it again
09:22will you give me a hand
09:23put this back
09:24sorry I didn't realise
09:35no no it's all right
09:36we finish now
09:37Mr. Jimmy it's not here
09:40dorking
09:42dorking we cannot find
09:45dorking
09:46dorking there's not a dorky
09:49dorky
09:50dorking there's no北
10:08remaining apparently these two girls seem very nice speak very good English we
10:17were just having a chat in the bathroom oh yes what about made you foam at the
10:24mouth whatever it was the usual was it dimensions oh damn and there's me forgot
10:35to pack the steel ruler again what steel ruler the one that's gone rusty through
10:42lack of use
10:57breakfast in bed nothing but the best for Victor there you go there's coffee fruit
11:05juice wheat a bit soggy with honey nice runny egg and a toasty crispy bun all
11:12done to a turn sounds of voting you make me laugh oh by the way Margaret left early
11:24she's gone to do some shopping and some sightseeing night to sleep all right yes
11:32very well thank you
11:34oh by the way Vince wants to see you later in the garden got something for you really what is it
11:43how's my topsy you'd like a nice little drink wouldn't you gosh you would
11:59good morning my tasty greens time for breakfast I haven't forgotten you there we are
12:19they hear every word you say you know Victor every word and you respond as well don't you my little
12:29darling eh I don't suppose you've ever grown an organic cucumber
12:34you're doing oh I've got something for you a little retirement present it's down here
12:46oh dear what is it an organic compost heap it's just a little something I ran up myself you might like it
12:56or you might not
12:57yeah what do you think of that then
13:02yes it's uh it's a gravestone
13:15yes you haven't got one already have you
13:21no I know no um oh god six weeks it took me to do that
13:30I'm quite pleased with this scroll work round the clock here
13:33very tricky that I'm slick with the chisel you bollocksed up the whole slab
13:38I don't know what to say Vince
13:45I suppose it might seem a bit morbid in some people's eyes but I mean
13:49that's money you won't have to fork out later on
13:52unless that always used to be my trade
13:55stone masonry I thought why not
13:57good quality piece of marble they'd appreciate that
14:00I'm a shame you haven't got your car with you
14:02still you can always leave it here with me until you need it
14:06yes
14:09yes well perhaps I'll do that then Vince
14:13thank you very much
14:17you're very welcome
14:19oh
14:31have you been all day joy riding about the place
14:34oh here and there you know
14:36down the front round the shops bought a few cards
14:39what about you
14:40me nothing much I was force-fed wheat-a-bix puree and sent us to death
14:46this day really
14:53mmm
15:04oh
15:11oh
15:13Victor, what are you doing?
15:29Take that off your head.
15:30I'm boiling, Margaret.
15:32I have just put superglue on that glass.
15:36What?
15:37I just stuck the bottom in where it had come out.
15:41Oh, my God.
15:44Don't!
15:46It's stuck solid.
15:48Don't pull out it.
15:49You'll take the skin away.
15:50I don't know how quickly that stuff sets.
15:54Oh, brilliant.
15:58Absolutely brilliant.
16:01I just wish for this to round off the day.
16:04I prayed for this moment, this joyous moment
16:07where I've got a glass full of ink of bitter
16:09welded to my forehead for all eternity.
16:12Don't get up.
16:14It'll spill everywhere.
16:16Well, I can't lie like this forever, can I?
16:18Like a bedridden Dalek.
16:21I'll get April to phone for an ambulance.
16:23Take it down to the hospital.
16:24They'll get it off in no time at all.
16:26Did you manage all right in the toilet?
16:43Yes, thank you.
16:45With one hand?
16:46Yes, thank you.
16:47I suppose you can see their point.
16:59It's not an actual emergency as such.
17:03And if we'd gone off and got stuck in the rush hour,
17:07you'd only have felt worse.
17:10Vince says he'll drive you down to casualty first thing.
17:12You'll feel better after a night's sleep.
17:14I expect so, yes.
17:16Yes.
17:16Oh, yes, Vince.
17:32Very nice.
17:35Must have taken you ages.
17:37Obviously, I haven't filled in the second date on it yet, you know.
17:41If and when, you've only got to give me a shout.
17:44Soon knock that off for you.
17:45Don't take me a minute.
17:49No.
17:52You're lovely, darling, you.
17:55I reckon it won't be long now, will it?
18:00Sorry?
18:05Oh, there we are.
18:07There's your receipt.
18:09And there's some ointment for your wrists and ankles.
18:11It's very good.
18:12Most of the guests swear by it in that room.
18:15Well, safe journey home.
18:17Bye-bye.
18:18Bye-bye.
18:19Did they think he'd be down there alone, then?
18:21Well, I dropped him off at nine.
18:23It was like a madhouse, then.
18:25So, told me I'd better not wait.
18:27He'd make his own way back.
18:28Oh, that sounds like him now.
18:31Good morning.
18:32Good morning.
18:32Good morning.
18:32Good morning.
18:33Oh, Vince, have we got some powder for the mattress in number seven?
18:39Right here, then.
18:39I'll see you at dinner.
18:41Let him be there.
18:41Bye-bye.
18:42Bye-bye.
18:42Bye-bye.
18:43No problems with the glass, then?
18:49What glass?
18:51Oh, no.
18:52They have a special solvent they use.
18:54It didn't take more than five minutes.
18:57I thought I'd walk back along the front.
18:59Then I met Petra and Marie.
19:01What's that on your neck?
19:02What?
19:03That on the side of your neck.
19:05Where?
19:07Oh, do you know where I got that?
19:08in the bathroom last night.
19:10I thought I felt one of them bite me then.
19:16Bloody things.
19:17Just as well I got some more of this spray
19:19before they chew us all to black.
19:22Margaret?
19:24Margaret?
19:27What is it?
19:31Something in the matter?
19:32What is it?
19:33I should be a douche.
19:36Use the shower.
19:38But it's full of chest, Marie.
19:42Oh, what is the word?
19:43Midgie.
19:45Midgie.
19:45Oh, midgie.
19:46Oh, I've got a very thing here.
19:49Stand back.
19:50I'll see you with this.
19:51There we are.
19:52There we go.
19:57What?
19:58What's all about, Amanda?
20:00Oh, no, please.
20:01I didn't.
20:02Oh, my God.
20:04I think they say they are on at the Winter Gardens.
20:08With Berni Clifton.
20:10There.
20:15Oh, Jack!
20:16That's right.
20:16Oh, thank God.
20:18Oh, certainly family.
20:19I'm a beautiful girl.
20:20It's you, too.
20:21Oh, thank God.
20:21Oh, dear.
20:23Oh, dear.
20:23Oh, dear.
20:25Oh, dear.
20:25Oh, dear.
20:26Oh, dear.
20:27Oh, dear.
20:28Oh, dear.
20:29I hope your private parts to care soon.
20:33I hope so, yes. Thank you.
20:38Margaret? Margaret, open this door. What's going on?
20:43Do tell me. I suppose this is called proving your manhood, is it?
20:48Proving my manhood? What are you talking about?
20:50This display of lust and lechery with Dracula's daughters.
20:56Margaret, open this door.
20:58Well, I'm not sure that I dare to such a rampant super stallion.
21:04You'd like this as we came here. What's the matter?
21:07Nothing you can do anything about, evidently.
21:10Oh, right. Well, I might as well go home, shall I?
21:13Don't seem to be able to do anything here.
21:15Oh, my God.
21:20Oh.
21:22Oh, my God.
21:52Oh, my God.
22:22Oh, my God.
22:25You sleep?
22:27Where's the migraine?
22:29What much better?
22:31I found these, but they're a bit strong.
22:34They do knock you out.
22:36Oh, thanks.
22:38This bed's ever so hard.
22:40Why don't you have our bed?
22:41We're sleeping here tonight.
22:43No, no, no.
22:43I'll be fine, thanks.
22:44Oh, come on.
22:46You'll be more comfortable.
22:47And there's thicker curtains.
22:49Won't let the light in.
22:50What time is it?
22:53Margaret, it's just gone ten.
22:55Now, stop worrying about him.
22:57I mean, it was just one of those things.
23:00You didn't know he was going to be beaten up by midgets.
23:03I'm expecting him to be home by now.
23:08You can give him a ring in the morning.
23:10There we are, my love.
23:12Yes?
23:20Who is it?
23:21Police.
23:22Oh, er, yes.
23:23Wait a minute.
23:24Let's hear it.
23:27This is April Blewett.
23:28Yes?
23:29God's sake, you know, I think it belongs to you.
23:34He's not making a lot of sense.
23:36We found him in a public lavatory making seagull noises.
23:39In future, try and keep an eye on him.
23:41Oh, Victor, we must get you upstairs and get you undressed.
23:49Give your hands off me.
23:51What's he been doing?
23:52Come on, give us a hand.
23:53Get him upstairs.
23:54Shh.
23:54Shh.
23:55Shh.
23:55Shh.
23:55Shh.
23:55Shh.
23:55Shh.
23:56Shh.
23:56Shh.
23:57Shh.
23:58Shh.
23:58Shh.
23:59Shh.
23:59Shh.
24:00Shh.
24:00Shh.
24:01Shh.
24:01Shh.
24:02Shh.
24:02Shh.
24:03Shh.
24:03Shh.
24:04Shh.
24:04Shh.
24:05Shh.
24:06Shh.
24:07Shh.
24:16Shh.
24:16Shh.
24:16Shh.
24:26Shh.
24:27Shh.
24:27Ah.
24:27Shh.
24:29Shh.
24:31Oh, my God.
25:01Oh, my fishing trousers.
25:23I forgot to bring them up.
25:24Don't you go down there disturbing both of them.
25:27I can't go fishing without my fishing trousers.
25:31You up, my love?
25:38Much nicer in my bed, wasn't it?
25:44I won't tell Margaret about last night.
25:48It'll be our little secret.
25:50Margaret.
25:56Yes.
25:58I thought you'd gone home.
26:23No, I came back in the end.
26:26I slept on the sofa.
26:28Oh, right.
26:32Are you all right?
26:33Yes.
26:35You?
26:36Yes.
26:38Um, the taxi's just coming.
26:41Yes, I know.
26:43Why don't you take these down?
26:44I'll be with you in a second.
26:45I've just got one last job to take care of.
26:48Good morning, my love.
27:01I thought you might be hungry after last night's exertion.
27:04Oh, Victor.
27:06That's very kind of you.
27:09I've already eaten.
27:10I think I've got everything.
27:12Soggy wheat abix with honey, runny eggs, orange juice, coffee.
27:16Yes, there we are.
27:17Breakfast in bed.
27:20Oh, nearly forgot.
27:23No.
27:24Hot, toasty bun.
27:32Down to a turn.
27:33The next time you take advantage of my body, it'll be under that gravestone.
27:38Did you say goodbye to April for me?
27:49Yes.
27:52Strange.
27:53It's the first time she didn't burst into laughter.
27:57Oh, could you stop here just a minute, please?
28:00What have you said?
28:16Oh, good morning, Marvick.
28:18Morning, Vince.
28:19Ah!
28:26Sorry about that.
28:30Should be home by seven, easily.
28:40I thought perhaps we might have an early night tonight.
28:46That'd be nice.
28:51They say our martyrs won't face the truth
28:54But I'm just too wrong in the two
28:57I've started to deteriorate
29:01And now I've passed my own sell-by date
29:04Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
29:08I have to pop my teeth into tube
29:11And my old knees have started to knock
29:15I've just got too many miles on the clock
29:18So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
29:23It's true that my body has seen better days
29:26But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
29:30One foot in the grave
29:32One foot in the grave
29:36One foot in the grave
29:39Oh, I am I not
29:42Oh, I need to keep my teeth in touch
29:43Eight feet into the grave
29:45You take my teeth
29:46You
29:46Take my teeth
29:47And I can still?
29:48You cou To me
29:49The life
29:50You were a snake
29:50Well, you're my fake
29:51Three feet
29:52You
29:52I can still make a tooth
29:53You hope it you can get
29:54Use my teeth
29:56Light
29:56And another
29:58ды
30:00One foot in the advise
30:00A
30:02Bad
30:05U
30:06time
30:07You
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29:20
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