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00:00They Say
00:30Who do you reckon did it, then?
00:39His nephew, Basil.
00:41Why?
00:42Because when they found the old man's body in the herb garden,
00:45that's what he was clutching in his hand, a piece of basil.
00:48Ah!
00:52Lucky he wasn't killed by his Uncle Dick.
01:00Oh, it's the same, isn't it?
01:06As soon as you start mixing the whiskey and Smarties,
01:09the lethal combination with you
01:11reduces your whole conversation to the level of a lavatory brush.
01:15Remind me quiet now, please.
01:17Poirot's about to unmask the murderer.
01:19He's got all the suspects lined up in the lounge bar.
01:22Look, we're all will be revealed.
01:24No, hang on.
01:25Oh, no, he's not going to tell us yet.
01:28He's decided to have a drink first.
01:32Why was he drinking a pint of lager?
01:35I don't know.
01:37It's not often you see Poirot
01:39swig back a tankard of beer like that.
01:42No.
01:46You know why?
01:47This bloody Jockey Wilson.
01:49We're watching the dance now.
01:50Why did that happen?
01:54I was wondering why they were all wearing their shirts outside their trousers.
02:00Typical.
02:01That's with the news overrunning again last night.
02:04It switched itself off before the end.
02:07I just wish they'd come and do something about this video paint.
02:12Can't hardly see a thing on the screen for snow.
02:14Everything we're recording, it looks like Dr. Zhivago.
02:16I've got a spot coming up in my nose now.
02:21I'm not surprised with all the smarties.
02:24I don't know why you don't just glue them to your face and be done with it.
02:31And do we have to have this thing sitting here all night wearing out the chair covers?
02:35It gives me the creeps.
02:37I keep expecting it to get up at any minute and walk across the floor.
02:40Like in that film.
02:41For goodness sake, put it somewhere out of the way.
02:43Oh, you leave him alone.
02:45He's not doing anyone any harm.
02:47You wouldn't like to be cooked up all night in a waitrose bag.
02:51I don't know why you bought it in the first place.
02:54I thought we were finished with all this tomfoolery when we got married.
02:56You weren't very good at it then.
02:58Oh.
02:59At least it wiles away the daylight hours.
03:02I thought about auditioning for Opportunity Knox.
03:05You go on that and I really will leave the country.
03:08And anyway, it's finished.
03:09Oh, my God, look.
03:14His back's burst open again.
03:17There's photos everywhere.
03:20Get him out of the front room.
03:23Put him in the downstairs loo or somewhere.
03:26I'm covering his head with a toilet roll cosy.
03:29Crap.
03:47Crap.
03:48Crap.
03:50Gas spill.
03:52Crap.
03:54Margaret, I'm up.
03:55Where are the aspirins?
04:01Margaret.
04:10Oh, are you up?
04:12The aspirins are on the table next to the Alka-Seltzer.
04:18Where have you been?
04:19Down at the community centre.
04:21They found an unexploded bomb in Mr. Lacey's back garden yesterday.
04:27You know, from World War II.
04:29So the whole street had to be evacuated to be on the safe side.
04:33Could you bring the milk in?
04:38An exploded?
04:40When was this?
04:42About past two the policemen came round.
04:44I asked you three times if you were going to get up
04:48and all I got you was tell them to send for the A-team
04:50and then you shoved the pillow over your head and went back to sleep.
04:56What?
04:57What?
04:58What if it had gone off?
05:01Couldn't be any worse than your snoring.
05:04It was a relief to get away from it for a few hours.
05:06It's like sleeping with a troop of howler monkeys.
05:10And anyway, they never do go off, do they?
05:11It's just a picot.
05:12Is that a beetle down there?
05:17Where?
05:17Down there by the door.
05:18It's a bug of some sort or another.
05:20Oh, that'll be the video man.
05:22He's early.
05:22Hey.
05:30What?
05:30Good morning, sir.
05:42Another lovely one, isn't it?
05:44Makes you wonder what's happening to the old climate these days, eh?
05:47What are you, a door-to-door meteorologist?
05:48I've got a splitting headache, sir.
05:52Now, what with Christmas, just around the corner, I've got something here, and I know
05:57you'll agree we'll make the ideal gift for your grandchildren.
06:00How do you know I've got grandchildren?
06:02I might be completely sterile.
06:04What they are is bendy dinosaurs.
06:10Now, the kids go ape over them.
06:12I've got two myself, and they never put them down.
06:14This is your, er, Brontosaurus, and this is your, er, Triceratops, I think that one's
06:20called.
06:2025 pound each.
06:22Now, we do do a much bigger size at 50, and as I say, totally indestructible.
06:27You can bend that neck every which way.
06:29It won't, sir.
06:29Come on, you try that.
06:30I won't, if you don't mind.
06:32Once I start snapping necks, I find it very hard to stop.
06:37Bend the dinosaurs.
06:39Take your face.
06:41So, so, that's all you get these days.
06:43Everywhere you look.
06:46Jump.
06:50What's this?
06:56No invitation to buy a hand to guide to the Aztec civilization.
07:03Right.
07:04I've got to get it first.
07:05Now, you know I've got to take a car all this week because Meg drove the delivery van into
07:10a wall.
07:12And I'm going to be a bit late coming home.
07:20Did you just...
07:22Hmm?
07:25Nothing.
07:39Morning, Mr. Meldrew.
07:42How are you today?
07:43Right, thank you.
07:44I put some jam on your doorstep.
07:47I hope that was all right.
07:48Sorry?
07:51Oh.
07:52Grape and peach.
07:54Courtesy of Mother.
07:57He says, thank you very much indeed.
08:02Uh, how is she?
08:04Oh, she's not bad, not bad.
08:06Still has her rather odd ideas.
08:08She's decided this morning she wants to be buried in the back garden.
08:12It's a bit drastic, isn't it?
08:15Oh, no.
08:17I mean, eventually.
08:19It's a rather amusing misunderstanding, isn't it?
08:21No, I'm just out here resetting the dahlias, yes.
08:25Actually, I'm glad I've seen you.
08:26The thing is, we're putting on a bit of a benefit concert at the Kingsway Hall, raise
08:31funds for the elderly.
08:33And Mrs. Meldrew was telling me that you've just started getting back into the old ventriloquism
08:38act.
08:38Well, yes, I used to do it years and years ago, but it wouldn't be up to performing standards.
08:43Not now.
08:46Well, I suppose.
08:48Of course, son.
08:50I know what you want me to do.
08:51But when I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure what you're going to do.
09:01I'm going to give a moment.
09:03I'm going to give a moment.
09:06I got it.
09:08I'm going to give a moment.
09:09I'm going to give a moment.
09:14I'm going to give a moment.
09:19i know lift your torch lift it on the windowsill in the kitchen
09:31there you are then i'll expect you 10 o'clock friday get these sorted out and i won't be afraid
09:42anymore will i uh the flower basket i've got a delivery oh i beg your pardon i thought you were
09:51the security man come back no no um is this 62 or 62a 62 yes oh carnations chrysanths and frisiers
10:06oh she knows i love frisiers i know she wouldn't forget not on the 70th it's my my my niece ruthie
10:14she'll go a lot of time to write or pop around these days but uh oh and there's some roses in
10:21there as well bless her uh i think i've come to the home
10:26let me put them in some water for you oh i say that is sweet of you
10:34oh find the stool just a sec i'll put the light on there that's better
10:51uh it it doesn't seem to have uh it doesn't seem to be working
10:57oh it's that fuse it's gone again i've got some wire in here somewhere
11:02it's chilly in here as well isn't it there's a fan heater in the fireplace
11:09is there oh oh yes i see
11:14there that's better isn't it uh is your kitchen in here
11:23i didn't hear you coming i was just drawing my hair
11:26i see that's it fire lamp you all right out there in the dark
11:44fine thank you
11:50hello hi there how are you doing oh good gracious this is a surprise
12:05it's uh patrick and pepper
12:10here we are then
12:14um
12:16i'll just i'll just put them down
12:21on the um
12:23oh on the desk
12:26is it done yes well done
12:29oh look i've knocked over all your dominoes oh i'm sorry
12:33oh don't worry i'll pick them up later
12:36there is
12:37there's something you can do for me
12:39yes read a letter for me
12:41from my son mike
12:43lives in australia
12:44it only arrived this morning
12:46where'd i put it
12:47ah there it is
12:49i've got a grandson out there and two great grandchildren
12:52yes danny and danny and little tracy
12:56i must start thinking of what i'm at getting for christmas
13:00always try to get a little something off
13:02all right well let's see what he's got to say then
13:06he it's ages since he wrote i expect it's it full of news
13:12i expect it is
13:13oh i know his writing is it's terrible isn't it but well do the best you can eh
13:23yes
13:27dear dad
13:36just a few lines
13:39to let you know
13:41that we all miss you
13:43and that we're all thinking of you
13:46even though we're so far apart
13:49the weather here
13:54the weather here
13:58is wonderful
14:00and we just wish
14:02that you were here to share it with us
14:04so um there we are
14:16i'm sorry i've missed off the ending but margaret's pretty sure it was basil
14:22i would have said it was basil
14:24i think that's what that leaf was in his hand
14:27i think it was a clue
14:28left by the victim
14:29to let them know who'd murdered him
14:31that's a bit tentative isn't it
14:34i mean what if he missed and picked a bit of parsley instead
14:37or hanged an innocent man
14:40who
14:40i mean would have been much better off slithering his way up to the conservatory
14:43which is a good ten yards closer
14:45and writing the name down on a piece of paper
14:47yes but you don't think of things like that
14:49when you've just been shot in the stomach
14:51do you
14:51oh well that'll be margaret now
14:59sorry i'm late
15:00i'm stopping to a poor old man
15:02we're all a bit tragically
15:04oh hello
15:05look who suddenly turned out
15:07patrick and pippa
15:09margaret
15:10how are you
15:11fine fine
15:12how are you both
15:13oh not so bad
15:14exhausted made me
15:16he was just telling victor it took 12 hours to get here from bath
15:19m4 was uh choked solid
15:22how are you settling in now
15:24all right
15:25oh fine
15:26um still
15:28things are coming round
15:30by degrees
15:32um i i won't be a sec
15:35well
15:40well what
15:42well who the hell are they
15:44i haven't the faintest idea
15:48you must have some idea
15:52you let them in didn't you
15:53i've never clapped eyes on them
15:56they suddenly turned up on the doorstep with three suitcases
16:00i listened to them yapping on for two hours about cones and contraflows
16:06then i lost the will to live and put on a video
16:08i thought you'd know who they were when you got back
16:13patrick and pippa
16:15doesn't mean a thing
16:17there must be relations
16:18no no no i sneaked out after half an hour
16:21went through all the photograph albums the address books
16:24the closest i got was patsy and peter and they're both dead
16:29in any case they were your sister's goldfish
16:33it's too ridiculous for words
16:38i ain't gonna come straight out with it and ask them
16:41you'll do nothing of the sort
16:42make us both look like a couple of halfwits
16:45no it'll come to us in a minute
16:47it's bound to
16:48uh actually margaret we were just saying that we're both a bit bushed
16:54it was all the same as you
16:55we'd rather have to get to bed
16:56oh fine well that's all right
16:58is it
17:00yes well i'll take your
17:03i'll take your suitcases upstairs
17:05you can sleep in our bed and we'll make do with the sofa
17:07in your bed
17:09yes
17:10it's a perfectly good bed
17:12we haven't got round to a spare yet
17:14so um
17:16you'll just follow me
17:18and i'll get you some fresh soap
17:20because i'm sure you could do with a bath
17:21both of you
17:22actually thank you
17:23i think we'll just be off home now
17:25won't we um thanks very much for the tea and poirot
17:28oh we wouldn't dream of turfing out at this
17:30i'll give those back here
17:31well no it's just
17:33don't be ridiculous
17:41we hardly can see you
17:42over this or are we for goodness sake
17:43it's just that i think it's time that we left you in peace
17:45it is way past eleven
17:47victor
17:47look just hand those back
17:49and don't be so obstinate the pair of you
17:50victor if they want to go perhaps they should go
17:53thank you
17:54very much indeed
17:56it's been lovely chatting to you both
17:59goodnight
18:00bye marquette
18:01bye
18:01goodnight
18:03oh god
18:11what what is it
18:14we have seen them before
18:18i've remembered now
18:21i've remembered where they come from
18:24where
18:24next door
18:29when we were moving in
18:37they were just leaving
18:38going off on a month's holiday to the west country
18:41and we just shouted her loaves to each other and that was about it
18:45thanks
18:49do you mean when their car drew up outside they were going
18:53that's that sorted out then i think they could see the funny side of it once it was explained to them
19:15they seem a very nice clap
19:17when you get to know them
19:18now i've got to get back
19:19what about i'm going to keep you sir
19:21with another one coming up for god's sake
19:23i look like a samatra rhinoceros
19:24well at least you won't have to put a red nose on for your after this afternoon
19:30oh that's the other thing
19:32pippa says she's not doing anything
19:33and she'll be glad to run you there and back
19:35so you don't have to ring for that taxi
19:36oh
19:37i'll tell you who i will ring
19:40that bloody video place
19:42that's three times they promised to come now
19:44i expect i get that usual bimbo on the showroom desk
19:47well good luck with your concert
19:50i'll see you later
19:51look
19:56it's all bursting out the back here
19:59if i'm not careful
20:01now hello
20:03this is mr
20:04he said bloody well is me again
20:07and it's still likely to be
20:08i'm telling you
20:10one of these days you're going to push me too far
20:12right
20:14tomorrow
20:15and that's final
20:17after that i'm finished with you
20:19well
20:21we could try changing the head for a start
20:24since this one seems to remind of its head
20:26i'm sick the bloody day
20:28oh
20:29don't start crying
20:32i'm sorry if i shouted
20:36right
20:37i'm sorry
20:39right
20:40oh
20:45i just got a couple of things to pack
20:48and then i'll be right with you
20:50oh
20:51hello marty
21:03hello marty
21:04hello
21:04marty up there can you hear me properly
21:07hello
21:07oh good
21:08right now i just wanted to run through those running order changes
21:12because i think it might affect your lighting cues
21:14thank you
21:16right now after anthrax attack have finished their set
21:20we've moved the cray sisters back
21:23so it's now des hemorrhage and maggie mussolini
21:25right
21:26then comes jerry sadowicz jack the lettuce who killed kathy kirby and sick sick sick
21:34oh yeah
21:35yeah and then we're back as before with iggy dunican coil and cap orphanage explosion and victor meldrew and cusbert
21:43which will be the cue out of the first half
21:46one sec marty
21:48excuse me
21:48yes mr meldrew
21:49i was just wondering
21:50is it possible for me to go on after someone else other than uh orphanage explosion
21:55it just seems rather a tricky act to follow
21:58i suppose we could put you on later
22:00but what say between eraser brain and clive antichrist
22:03eraser brain
22:05look to be honest i
22:06i feel a bit out of place
22:08could we just forget the whole thing at all
22:10don't be silly mr meldrew you'll be fine
22:13i'm sure you'll be a big success
22:15i mean you've rehearsed it all and everything
22:16you can't back out now
22:18no
22:19that's what worries me
22:23what you're
22:26what you're
22:26what you're
22:28what you're
22:30what you're
22:34what you're
22:38what you're
22:40what you're
22:42is there anybody in
23:00hello
23:02it's mrs meldrew from the florists
23:06i thought you might like these frisiers
23:08we had them left over from a big display
23:11are you at home
23:14hello next way
23:19hello
23:24hello next day
23:39hello next way yeah hello sergeant what's the problem
23:47uh yeah yeah no sergeant thank you for letting me know what's the um yeah i will yeah bye-bye
24:03hello i'm supposed to be picking up mr meldrew oh yeah he's i'm not sure if he's ready yet
24:09he'll be off in a second sorry i've um i've just had a piece of terrible news um one of the old people
24:18we go and visit old blind chap he's uh he's been murdered oh my goodness whenever was this this
24:27afternoon he was found it could have been any time old flat had been ransacked poor bloke god they
24:35can't be right in the head i just found him there on the floor strangled lying there with a domino
24:42clutched in his hand a domino yeah he could play dominoes he had a special set with ray spots
24:49dominoes they didn't say which number they did as a matter of fact he said it was a um
24:58a double one don't suppose it means anything anyway if you'll excuse me
25:03double one two spots
25:13oh hello have you been waiting long
25:31right there we are
25:38are you all right i looked a bit edgy in the car i expected like a nice cup of tea
25:46did you hear me hmm well i'm sorry i didn't realize you were talking to me
25:52oh no no no it's all right i i'll be getting it
25:57oh right well uh before you go uh could you take him for me
26:02and then i can that's it let's try oh uh he goes in the downstairs toilet
26:09does he yes yes if you wouldn't mind thanks very much
26:13and if you could be quick please because i think he's bursting
26:16bursting oh right
26:19i had a terrible day
26:27there we are
26:35right see you around then
26:52so anyway um i just wanted to thank you for your contribution to the show mr muljo and
27:04at least we can use some of the money to give old albert a proper funeral
27:07hmm for what a few pounds left over from his pension
27:13that's all his life was worth in the end
27:15well i mean the irony of it is he had just over a hundred or so in the post office
27:19he was just about to use it to have all new locks fitted getting everything properly secured
27:24now if he'd done that on friday morning as planned he might be alive today
27:29that's right he said about that why on earth didn't they come
27:32apparently he just cancelled it at the last minute he said he
27:35needed the money for something else
27:37well i mean what would make an old man like that
27:41suddenly part with all the money he's got in the world
27:44well i mean what would make an old man like that
28:14they say i might as well face the truth
28:34but i'm just too long in the tooth
28:37i started to deteriorate
28:41and now i've passed my own sell by date
28:44oh i am no spring chicken it's true
28:48i have to pop my teeth into chew
28:51and my old knees have started to knock
28:54i've just got too many miles on the clock
28:58so i'm a wrinkly crinkly set in my ways
29:03it's true that my body has seen better days
29:06but give me off a chance and i can still misbehave
29:10one foot in the grave
29:12one foot in the grave
29:16one foot in the grave
29:19that one foot in the grave
29:25in the grave
29:26you
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