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QI XL S23E03 Weaponry

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00:00Music
00:30Good evening and welcome to QI where tonight I've come armed with questions all about weaponry and for our panel we're bringing out the big guns. Exploding onto the scene, it's Lou Sanders.
00:50Here to slay, it's Roisin Conaty.
00:53A bit of a blunt instrument, it's Nish Kumar.
01:03And always a loose cannon, it's Alan Davis.
01:12Right, let's hear their killer buzzers. Lou goes.
01:17Huh? Roisin goes.
01:20Ooh! Nish goes.
01:24Wow. Alan goes.
01:28Step on, step.
01:32That's nice.
01:36Well it is dangerous with him.
01:40Right, time to open up the armoury for question one. I want you to look under your desks, you've each got an objet. I want to know how you would use it to win a war.
01:51So let's start with you, Lou. How would you use honey to win a war?
01:57Well I might say, do you want to swap this honey?
02:00Mm. For a little bit of peace.
02:06I actually gave my neighbour a jar of honey to say sorry and they still hate me.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:12What did you, what had you done, darling?
02:14I, well, I...
02:16That doesn't matter as much.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21I, erm, I stole their beehive.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25It's used to defeat Roman troops. It's a particular kind of honey.
02:33Manuka.
02:35I just like how you say that. You're looking so attractive today.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39Something about you. I don't know. I'm on the turn.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:45There was a Greek geographer called Strabo, I mean, he was also a historian.
02:49And he wrote about General Pompey who attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains.
02:54So it's Turkey these days.
02:55So this is a genuine story.
02:57So Pompey attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains and they left behind vast amounts of honey.
03:03Now the bees had fed on rhododendron, which contains a hallucinogenic poison called graenotoxin.
03:10So the honey was two things. It was highly hallucinogenic and a laxative.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17Sign me up.
03:19So as you're crapping yourself, you're thinking, oh, what's coming out of me?
03:22Yeah, yeah.
03:25You can still, actually, weirdly, you can buy this honey. It's called mad honey.
03:28I'm writing it down.
03:29Are you sure you want to write it down? Mad honey.
03:31It's mostly for people who need it for their libido, just saying if that's...
03:34Ah!
03:35Two times.
03:45You can still buy it in Turkey and certain places.
03:48The honey that makes you poop yourself is good for sex.
03:50Well, the trick is to not take very much.
03:52And if you take a little bit, it gives you a buzz.
03:55If you take a lot, you shit yourself and fall over.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00It's too hard of almost anything you eat.
04:03That was a really nice bit because I kept thinking that you were calling me honey and I really liked it.
04:08Shall I call you honey for the rest of the...
04:10Yeah!
04:12All right, honey.
04:14Did the bees sting the people and then they got the shits or did...
04:18What happened?
04:20LAUGHTER
04:22You're the girl at the back of the class that we hope is good at netball because it's very...
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29That was very good.
04:30Very good.
04:32APPLAUSE
04:33So, they made honey.
04:34Yes.
04:35The bees had partaken of a hallucinogenic which therefore went into the honey.
04:40Oh, OK, right, OK.
04:41I get it now.
04:42Does that make sense?
04:44Did they do this deliberately?
04:45Was this like a deliberate act of chemical warfare?
04:46Yes, it was.
04:47Biological warfare.
04:48Biological warfare is horrible.
04:50But, I mean, obviously it's not ideal to lose a war, but if you did it in a kind of blizzard of sexual arousal and poop...
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59I don't know, Nish, I don't know.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03It's just another Friday night for you.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07That's your podcast.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10Sexual arousal and poop.
05:13Boners and the brown stuff.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:17Tell me, Nish, what you're holding, how might you win a war with them?
05:19I seem to be holding a shovel.
05:21What would you do with it?
05:22What would you do with it?
05:23I guess, like, disguise myself.
05:25I'd be like, oh, hello, I'm a humble gardener.
05:27Ba-ba-dum-ba-dum.
05:28No threat pose.
05:29And then BAM!
05:30Shoot through the hole.
05:32Well, you are entirely correct.
05:34No!
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36APPLAUSE
05:44So, the actual thing was a little bit larger than the one we've given you.
05:47It was called the Macadam Shield Shovel and it was the brainchild of Ina Macadam.
05:51She was the secretary to the Canadian Minister of Defence in 1914
05:55and she suggested to her boss, Sir Sam Hughes, to patent this invention
05:58and he named it after her.
05:59So, basically, a thick steel spade, right,
06:01that was designed for both digging trenches and deflecting bullets.
06:06So, the idea is you're digging away a thing, somebody fires at you,
06:08you can spike the whole thing in the ground and then fire,
06:11exactly as you suggested, fire at the enemy through the hole.
06:16During World War I they sent 25,000 of these out to the Canadian troops in Europe
06:20and they were useless.
06:22Yes.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24Completely useless.
06:25If you've got a hole in a spade, you cannot dig with it.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30Oh, no.
06:31You just do one of those little keyhole covers,
06:33comes down over it, clip into place.
06:35If only you'd been there.
06:36Bony.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38Unfortunately, the metal that they used wouldn't even stop small calibre ammunition.
06:43So, didn't stop bullets, wasn't any good for digging.
06:46I'm just thrilled that I've maintained my proud 100% record
06:49of only getting questions right on QI by total accident.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55Anyway, they sent them out at the beginning of the war, 1917,
06:5888% of them had been scrapped for metal and poor Ina McAdam,
07:01who came up with it, said she was very embarrassed by the whole thing
07:04and wished it had never happened.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:07Right, conkers, come on.
07:08Conkers?
07:09Yes.
07:10Who wants one?
07:11Oh, don't throw...
07:12OK.
07:13APPLAUSE
07:14Hey, you swing them, Sandy, you swing them.
07:19Hang on a second, hang on a second, hang on a second.
07:21Hang on a second.
07:22You've got to do it, you've got to get it ready.
07:23It could be your technique.
07:24Oh, yes.
07:25It would have done it.
07:26Oh, either way.
07:28Oh, that's good stuff.
07:29Yeah, now good luck ever seeing this conker come in.
07:33LAUGHTER
07:40Think how much quicker we'd have won the war if we'd been there.
07:43I mean, no war's ever decided.
07:45After three or four years of trench, they just say,
07:48let's just have a game of conkers and call it.
07:50Oh, shit.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53I hated this game.
07:55Did you never like it?
07:56I hurt myself.
07:57I always hurt myself with this.
07:58Alan, World War I.
08:00World War I, yes.
08:01World War I, conkers, any thoughts about why it might have been useful?
08:05Poison.
08:06They're poisonous.
08:07Poisonous.
08:08Put them in the suit.
08:09Is it something about boners and pooping?
08:10LAUGHTER
08:13It's going to be really hard to get you back from there, isn't it?
08:16LAUGHTER
08:18So, it can be used to make acetone,
08:20which is a key ingredient in gunpowder.
08:22So, before 1917, they used fermented grain, they used potatoes,
08:26but then they wanted to have all that stuff for food,
08:28so they thought, let's use the conkers.
08:30And they got British children to collect conkers,
08:33and they were paid seven and six per hundredweight,
08:36which is 50 kilos of conkers, right?
08:39It's about more than 6,000 conkers.
08:41And they collected 3,000 tonnes of conkers.
08:46And what do you think happened?
08:48I was going to say all of that.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:51I was trying to save you the bother.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54Honey.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:56I don't know.
08:57I got a feeling something went horribly wrong.
08:59Yes.
09:00They hadn't worked out all the transport.
09:01Lots and lots of them went rotten at railway stations.
09:03And then, when they did get them into the factories,
09:05the chemists couldn't work out how to extract the acetone.
09:09So, did the kids have to give the money back?
09:11No, the kids kept the money, and they kept it going
09:13because it was good for morale.
09:15Oh!
09:16Now, what have you got, Rasheen?
09:17I've got myself a rat.
09:19OK.
09:20What do you reckon?
09:21How would you use that to win a war?
09:23Well, I reckon it was love rats.
09:24I think they just got a bunch of hot men...
09:26Yeah.
09:27..or women or whoever into an area
09:29and just sort of got the soldiers absolutely horned up.
09:33OK.
09:34So, it is the use of an actual rat.
09:36Diseases.
09:37Yeah, plague.
09:38Terrible diseases.
09:39I mean, that is a thought.
09:40It's another kind of biological weapon.
09:42No, the idea was, 1941,
09:44the British military intelligence officers
09:46filled rodents with explosives.
09:48Rat attack!
09:49Yes.
09:50They made rat bombs.
09:52Oh, my God.
09:53They made rat bomb.
09:54The rat is dead.
09:55Can I just say?
09:56The rat is dead.
09:57The rat's not like,
09:58Oh!
09:59What is that?
10:02I'm going to get a ticket.
10:03I'm going to get a ticket.
10:05Jesus Christ!
10:06You're ticking as well.
10:07You're ticking as well.
10:08I'm going to get a ticket.
10:09They're not rationing out the Vaseline.
10:11Christ!
10:12It's driving me mad.
10:13The ticket's driving me mad.
10:14Anyway, the plan was to leave them near factory boiler rooms in Germany.
10:23And here was the theory.
10:24Somebody in Germany would see a dead rat and they'd think,
10:27Oh, we can't have that there.
10:28And they would throw it straight into the furnace.
10:30Oh.
10:31And then, even though it was only a small amount of explosive,
10:34It would be enough to cause a massive blast.
10:36Do you think it worked?
10:37Yes.
10:38Rat attack.
10:39Somebody said,
10:40No, I'm going to go with them.
10:41It sort of worked.
10:45Because the Nazis intercepted the first batch.
10:48And they thought that the Allies must be doing this all the time.
10:51And they'd hidden loads.
10:52So they wasted loads of time looking for rat bombs.
10:55And in fact, deactivating rat bombs was studied in German military school.
11:00Wow.
11:01Wow.
11:02Wow.
11:03It sort of worked.
11:04Yeah.
11:05Kind of.
11:06I've got a thing which I think this is very good.
11:08So what I've got in here is some white powder.
11:12Explosives.
11:13Bicarbonate of soda.
11:14So it's often made from ground rose hips, which are very...
11:18Drugs.
11:19Frickly.
11:20It's itching powder.
11:21Ah.
11:22It's itching powder.
11:23So in the Second World War, the Allied spies would dust Nazi bedsheets with itching powder.
11:28My favourite, Norwegian resistance people, even coated the inside of condoms and sent them for free.
11:35To brothels.
11:36Right.
11:37What was the favourite weapon of the hammer of the Scots?
11:50Oh.
11:51Exactly.
11:52Yeah.
11:53No.
11:54That's just a Scottish person.
11:56Is it the power of words?
11:59And they are powerful.
12:02I mean, I love it.
12:04What's it?
12:05A hammer.
12:14So the hammer of the Scots was King Edward I of England because he was trying to assert sovereignty over Scotland.
12:21There he is trying to do it.
12:221304, he and his troops were laying siege to Stirling Castle in Scotland and the castle was heavily fortified and they thought we're never going to make this happen.
12:29So he got 50 carpenters.
12:31I don't know how he did this.
12:32Can I just say, he's away from home.
12:34Right.
12:35I can't get one near my house.
12:3650 carpenters to build the world's biggest trebuchet.
12:41Does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
12:43It's a catapult.
12:44It is a catapult.
12:45It is a catapult.
12:46Right.
12:47Oh.
12:48So this is very exciting because I have a small one here.
12:49Whoa.
12:50That's cool.
12:51So it's a type of catapult that uses a massive counterweight to launch a projectile.
12:55So we just thought we'd give it a go here.
12:57Now, I've got some little sweets.
12:59Now.
13:00Nish.
13:01This is rubbish.
13:02It was absolute.
13:03You ready?
13:04That's better than the trebuchet.
13:06I think I didn't do it violently enough.
13:07Did you think that was better?
13:08Oh my God.
13:09Yeah.
13:10There's something going on.
13:11The one that they built, Edward called it the war wolf.
13:13It was phenomenal.
13:14It was 90 metres tall.
13:15It had 30 wagons of materials in it.
13:16It took three months to build.
13:1790 metres?
13:1890 metres.
13:19It took three months to build.
13:20It was just amazing.
13:21Now, the fact is, he's building it out there, right, for ages in plain view of all the besieged
13:25inhabitants, and they were running out of food anyway, so they went out when they saw they
13:41were building this thing and went, it's OK.
13:43White flag, totally give in.
13:45But now that Edward had built it, he really wanted to try it.
13:49So, he just pelted the castle anyway.
13:50And they launched Greek fire with the ore wolf.
13:54greek fire which is kind of the napalm of the day it's petrol and resin and stuff and by the time
13:59the attack was finished only 30 people were alive and the castle was kind of wait so they surrendered
14:04and he still was like i'm gonna napalm you yeah he built a special platform nearby so that the
14:10ladies of the court could watch the destruction of the castle yeah what was his relationship with
14:15his mother like these weapons have existed for centuries i mean probably invented in china
14:231521 the conquistador he was seeking treasure and he used one in the battle
14:28to attack the aztec empire so the spanish running low on gunpowder and they think what shall we do
14:34let's make a triple shake we haven't got enough gunpowder to attack the aztecs they wanted their
14:37gold didn't have any engineers but they did have a soldier who'd once seen one so he dropped some
14:46plans and when it finally came to being launched they used a massive rock right the rock went straight
14:52up and came straight back back down less successful anybody know what a ballista is it's another
15:01kind of old weapon they make coffee lethal poisonous coffee and they hurl into the cast that would be
15:11fantastic wouldn't it a ballista is it like a missile like an early missile it's like another catapult so
15:17those are kind of missiles aren't they but this one is shaped like a crossbow it was used by the ancient
15:21greeks and the romans it looked like that and they worked by building up tension in a skein or length
15:26of rope or cord or hair that was twisted round and round round very tightly and held into a twisted
15:30position and then when you release the trigger the thing would unravel and shoot all that energy into
15:36hurling a projectile and it was believed that the best stuff to make it out of was women's hair
15:42so when rome was at war women who had short hair was seen as patriotic because it was thought that
15:49they had given their hair to the could they use it for nice courses like amazon parcels send letters or
15:55mail whatever just sending chocolate yeah what about an alternative form of public transport
16:01like you just sit down and then you're like whoa i'm going to try one more time just because i really
16:07i'm just going to put one in do you think that'll make a difference okay what are you going to launch
16:12at me absolutely rubbish uh if you asked king edward for mercy he'd tell you to sling your hook
16:23right so i don't know how to make it not be upright looks like somebody's had a bit too much special
16:30honey
16:37i said i can take it home my wife's thrilled right stand over there
16:45it's a purple one
16:46right let's move on to that old perennial the war of the sexes what kind of butts
16:53attracted to victorian women who were ready to wed big butts and i cannot lie
16:58big butts okay
17:09any other thoughts water butts ifs and butts
17:13the butts is a common name for an archery field oh that's what they're actually called going down
17:18the butts so here's the thing unlike most outdoor activities archery was considered a reasonable and
17:25acceptable sport for women so this was a place where men and women could meet
17:29in the beginning as early as 1780 there were women's only clubs uh i like this they're called
17:34the amazon archers of england and they met in kent and they used to have archery competitions and
17:38then they would have you know soirees suppers balls and that kind of thing i love this 1845 there's
17:44a book called the ladies companion by jane loudon and she put archery in as one of only five acceptable
17:50outdoor activities for women alongside boating sketching skating and the garden swing
18:00it's acceptable when i go down the park with a bow and arrow people look at me funny
18:07princess victoria later queen victoria she took it up in 1834 and of course then it became
18:10enormously popular and then it dies out as croquet and tennis come in so 1870s you get those two games
18:16although i mean a lot of people thought not appropriate for women playing croquet not really
18:22because a lot of exertion and wait they thought croquet was a lot of exertion yes
18:30do you like it's quite a violent game actually oh yeah it's quite vicious absolutely go mad out
18:36there when i'm out there i'll absolutely take your head off if you get me on the croquet view
18:41so here's the thing with archery anybody who wrote about it stressed the beauty of the women who
18:47were doing it the trim shaft launched from the hand of some fair toxophyllite faultless in face and
18:54figure go go back go back toxophyllite yes so toxon greek for bow oh yes of course philosopher
19:00lover toxophyllite the lover of the bow lover of a bow do you like that toxophyllite maybe i change my name
19:05sandy toxophyllite hello like a thin shaft yes trim shaft she's saying i'll show you not you roisin
19:20she said i'll show you mine if you'll show me yours and he's saying i will not show you mine
19:26and she's saying well you're wearing a short skirt you're temptress and he's saying this is not the
19:30reason why and anyway you can see mine i wear it on the outside well it all looks very nice but the
19:37fact is if you really did archery you can see from the skeletons of medieval and renaissance archers
19:42too much can cause serious deformities so you have to imagine these longbows six foot long
19:46taller than most archers it required 90 kilograms of force to pull the thing back modern bow only
19:53needs about 20 kilograms so it's the difference between the force of say carrying a i don't know
19:57a larger gentleman and a six-year-old girl so it's about 14 stone what what do you weigh in this
20:04what do you weigh uh i mean i'm kind of between weights at the moment
20:10it's so it's like lifting you quite an interesting way to do weights like
20:13or a six-year-old girl what are we doing who's writing this down
20:19firing children how much harm would you like uh about six six year old girls but the thing about
20:27professional archers they would start training at a really young age and they would draw back their
20:30bows cut repeatedly so of course the muscles get very strong but the bones also get thicker and
20:35denser to compensate and the spines start to twist and then eventually the drawing arm becomes higher
20:40than the one holding the bow which you're doing this all the time the muscle contract my phone arm yeah
20:44you like your phone arm yeah have you been to the mary rose museum in portsmouth which is just
20:48fantastic anyway they have a skeleton from an archer from 1545 and you can see how his spine is all
20:54twisted and he's got one arm that is much lower than the other and that is from that continuous
20:59repetitive thing of having to deploy all of that longbows famously used in which british battle
21:06it's hastings another one as in court yes that's not british it's in france yeah okay i was going to
21:15say as you call yeah i've just sent me off the scent there i've only got one right for the first time
21:20since 2005. i'm going to give you five points for correcting me because you're right you're absolutely
21:28right it was an english battle taking place somewhere else yes yes in france
21:35do you think that the longbows made them win or what else do you think might have made them win
21:41did they dip the longbows in boner honey
21:48they almost lost because they were watching telly
21:51no they had an epidemic they went very good oh they had the shits they had the shits they had an
21:55epidemic of dysentery it's your other area goodness me boners and the brown stuff is a podcast that has legs
22:05so they've all got dysentery and they're all going like this crazy um and all they did
22:10the noise that you make when you're going so rather than give up when they had this terrible
22:28affliction of dysentery they cut off their soiled britches and underwear and went into battle without
22:36it'd be a good thing to know all of the great days of history that were ruined by the shits
22:42wait hang on they cut off their britches and their underwear for ease of evacuation wait so
22:48they just carried on fighting they just ran into battle just with yeah why is that not a film yeah
22:59if there was a whole army running towards you just fully winnie the pooing it like
23:08oh my god it would be unbelievable just a bunch of people like the french going is that
23:13did they throw their pants at the enemy no darling they just just carry on that's a waste of weaponry
23:21that's a wasted weaponry you just sort of sling it what were they thinking but oh i know they
23:25needed both hands for the yeah yeah so wait did they just cut a hole at the back apparently cut them
23:30off with a knife like your shovel we're back in the game they went into battle without basically their
23:37underwear in them yeah yeah anyway what is the best weapon to ward off a wasp they don't like a
23:45vacuum cleaner oh okay because they just they're there and then they're gone always have one at a
23:54picnic oh there's a wasp on this anymore it's not fun when you change the bag
24:01it's near a niches area this this is my ass
24:12yeah people put distracting things near to a picnic don't they you mean like maybe like a jar of
24:18something sticky that they go to like a jar of poo is correct
24:22that's the same that's the same way you get rid of um men in the morning
24:36i've known lu but i think about 15 years and for some reason
24:57that is the first time i've seen you actually shock yourself with something you've said
25:02so we're talking about animals so there is a fantastic creature called the silver spotted
25:06skipper caterpillar look at that it's a beautiful thing so it is preyed on by parasitic wasps who are
25:12attracted by the smell of the caterpillar's frass which is a wonderful word and it is the technical
25:18name for insect poo oh what they do these caterpillars they forcibly eject their frass from their backside
25:26using an anal comb so it's a fine-toothed pincer it comes down it pinches the anus
25:34and it sends the frass flying out like a diddlywink
25:40and because the wasp are attracted to the smell of the frass this diverts them away from the actual
25:44caterpillar because it goes oh where the hell was that and it follows the tiddlywink and they can send
25:48their poo 38 times their body length away so it's the equivalent alan if you like of a human
25:54launching their poo across the width of a football field
26:00talking language i understand
26:05this was discovered by a biologist called martha weiss she's now professor she discovered it in 2003
26:10so she'd collected a load of these skipper caterpillars and she's got them in a box and she
26:14suddenly hears this bing bing bing and it was the sound of them squirting out this well pinching out
26:22this frass and she went on to discover 17 different families of moths and butterflies have this
26:26similarly exploding anus wow listen i'm just saying we're always looking for new olympic sports
26:38i say we just have a bunch of athletes bent over flying out then they measure it like the javelin
26:43throw and then there'll be inevitable allegations he's doping i saw him with the special honey
26:51there's a caterpillar in which loads of them in london called the gypsy moth caterpillar
26:55they are uh poo shooters okay they expel so much frass that if you are in london on a dry day and
27:02you hear a pitter-patter that sounds like rain it's caterpillar poo coming down from the trees above
27:09you in a park yeah i'm just putting it out there for you to enjoy why is that not in a film yes
27:18okay so we do have a film for you which i think you're going to really enjoy okay so grasshoppers
27:22sometimes kick their frass away uh when they've done their business and they use their back leg to
27:28propel the poo ten times their body length so i'm going to do this again for you it's equivalent of a
27:33human scoring a goal from the penalty spot with their poo okay that's the that's the distance
27:39okay the dream uh yeah now do you want to see that do you want to see it yeah yeah let's have a
27:46look there it's up in the top right corner you can see it creating thing and it's got it's getting
27:51its leg ready and here we go um and it's gonna go yeah there we go and we can see it again in slow
27:59motion what's that var there we go oh my god yeah is that fantastic on the volley as well i know
28:05i thought i thought i assumed that it would drop it yeah and then take it like a penalty gig
28:12okay there's one that's even more impressive which i just think is fantastic it's the north
28:15american tortoise beetle i'm slightly obsessed with tortoise beetles because they're so beautiful but
28:19this one is not so beautiful so the tortoise beetle is the bit at the bottom the bit at the top is the
28:24thing it is sculpted for itself out of its own frass right so it has this beetle has an extremely long
28:32and flexible anus that ends in an anal fork and when it defecates it can impale the poo on the fork
28:40and it can then place it on its own back to create a sort of fecal shield and obviously this deters
28:46predators because they think what the hell is what the hell is that and some of them sculpt legs like this
28:51one is done so it looks like another creature that is sitting on top of them and this keeps the
28:54insects and spiders away that might try and be precious another one on the list of things you
28:59might come back as yes it looks like when you try to out crazy the crazy yes like yeah this hasn't
29:12brushed his hair in a while i was gonna say that's literally what i look like when i wake up in the
29:16morning that's because of your flexible anus that's not a great example of the very beautiful ones can
29:23i just say some of them do check them out they're just amazing the tortoise beetle oh yeah look at
29:28those they use them in jewelry some of the what i mean is that the shell of the beetle if it shows
29:35up looking like that you're going to wear it but that's not wearing its peel on its back that's
29:41which is less attractive i think i would wear the other one as jewelry
29:48anyway which of the windsors has recently been demoted for behaving like a goat is it princess
29:55is it a dog you said dog dog so we're in the right area we're in an animal area it's an actual cat
30:142006 lance corporal william billy windsor was demoted for falling out of line during a parade
30:19for queen leisabeth the second and for head butting a drummer is he a person no no no
30:32regimental mascot i'm glad that you said that because the whole time i was like wow that bloke
30:40That bloke has had a shock
30:41Thank you!
30:42It was a man dressed as an animal who was, like, in the Royal Parade going...
30:47It's a goat. It's a goat. Goat.
30:52Oh, for...
30:54Salute!
30:55Did you think it was a man as well?
30:57Disbehaved on parade. He's invited a drummer.
31:00Oh, yeah, OK.
31:02A man dressed as a goat like that, idiot thought.
31:05Right.
31:07Yeah, it is!
31:08Oh, he looks like trouble.
31:11Look at his eye, he's so hacked off.
31:13You wouldn't want to be headbutted by that.
31:15I told you, I'm not wearing this again.
31:17I've said it many times.
31:19And he didn't join the army.
31:21Travel the world, learn new skills.
31:27The Royal Welsh Regiment has had a goat as their mascot since the 1770s.
31:30So, the story goes, at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which is 1775 in the United States,
31:35where a wild goat wandered onto the battlefield and it led the regiment to safety.
31:39That's going in the film?
31:40Yeah.
31:47This wipes itself.
31:48It's going to be the best war movie ever.
31:50So, anyway, in 1884, Queen Victoria, she gifted the Royal Welsh a cashmere goat as their mascot
31:55and it's become a thing ever since.
31:57So, if the goat dies or they need a new one, they write to the king or queen
32:00and say, please, can I have a new one from the royal herd?
32:03Technically, they're not just a mascot, they are a ranking member of the regiment.
32:07Oh.
32:08So, they get a salary towards their uniform, they get accommodation,
32:11which often includes a radio and a sofa.
32:15Are you sure that doesn't say salary?
32:20Until at least 2009, I don't know if it happens any more,
32:22they used to get two cigarettes a day to chew and Guinness.
32:28Wait, so, you've given the goat Guinness and fags
32:31and then a surprise that it's pissed at a parade?
32:37In Cephalonia, I once nearly got rammed off the mountain by a goat.
32:41What?
32:42And then I was trying to remember all the things that you have to do
32:44to get animals away, like to pee on them or poke their eye or something
32:47and it started doing the thing with its foot and I was so high up
32:50and I thought, this is so unbranded, I'm going to get knocked off this mountain
32:53by just a massive mountain goat and I just shouted, go away, and it just did.
32:58LAUGHTER
33:01Did you shout it in Greek or just in English?
33:03In English, yeah, but I did it with the accent.
33:05Oh, fine.
33:08Scene one of the film, I play the goats.
33:12Anyway, poor old Billy Windsor, he had been a lance corporal,
33:14he was demoted to Fusilier and that meant nobody had to salute him any more.
33:18Oh, I know.
33:20He ended up at Whipsnade Zoo, but he has since retained his old rank
33:24and he's 25, I checked, he's still alive and living at Whipsnade Zoo.
33:27Oh.
33:28So that's OK.
33:29Imagine that in the zoo and this old soldier turns up.
33:32LAUGHTER
33:33Get you lot in order, come on.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:366am, you're on the bugle.
33:38Oh, Christ, it's a fucking zoo.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41We'll just pay something down looking pissed off.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:45Where's the Guinness?
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47Lights, two fags at a time.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52What, you want me to sit on the floor?
33:53I have a sofa.
33:54LAUGHTER
33:56When in uniform, Billy Windsor had to do as he was told.
33:58No buts.
34:01Oh, you were with me up until then.
34:05And now it's all aboard the blunderbuss as we marshal ourselves
34:08for a round of general ignorance.
34:10Fingers on buzzers, please.
34:11In Bram Stoker's Dracula, what weapon killed Dracula?
34:16Er, steak fillet.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:19What a fantastic way to die.
34:29It's what's going to get me.
34:32I haven't read it.
34:34Is it a silver bullet?
34:35Ooh!
34:40Pull the curtains, let the sun in.
34:42OK, so not...
34:43Lift the lid.
34:44Not sunlight.
34:46Garlic!
34:49He got locked in his coffin.
34:54Oh, that's very good.
34:55Write that down for the film.
34:56That's terribly good.
34:59So...
35:00Yes, darling?
35:01Did he have his head chopped off?
35:03Ooh!
35:04Yes, he did have his head chopped off.
35:05Do you know what he had his head chopped off with?
35:07A big old...
35:08..ass.
35:10Did you say a big old dick?
35:11Yes.
35:13LAUGHTER
35:14LAUGHTER
35:17That's not going in the film-ish!
35:20LAUGHTER
35:21As we said, his head was cut off with a kukri knife,
35:23which is the ones that the Gurkhas use.
35:24There you are.
35:25One of those large knives.
35:26Ooh.
35:27One protagonist, Jonathan Harker, cuts his head off with that.
35:29But he's also simultaneously stabbed in the heart by another
35:33protagonist, Quincy Morris, with a bowie knife, which...
35:37Anybody know what a bowie knife is?
35:38Knife?
35:39It doesn't sound fun.
35:40It's spelled B-O-W-I...
35:41It's spelled B-O-W-I...
35:42It's spelled Bowie, isn't it?
35:43Bowie, it's spelled Bowie, but...
35:44Like David Bowie.
35:45Exactly, but pronounced Bowie.
35:46Named after a frontiersman called James Bowie,
35:48who notoriously killed someone with one of these knives.
35:51Who's this?
35:52This is James Bowie.
35:53Oh, OK, I thought he's not Dracula.
35:54I thought he looks well.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:56He killed a man in a brawl in Mississippi with a knife,
35:59and the knife that we now refer to as the Bowie knife,
36:02which is seen as a sort of symbol of the Wild West, there it is,
36:06we don't even know if that's what the knife that James Bowie used,
36:09more likely probably a carving knife.
36:11So the idea that Dracula was killed at a stake through the heart,
36:13or the idea that sunlight might be dangerous for him,
36:16it comes up in the novel,
36:17the idea that he might be killed at a stake at the heart,
36:19but the sunlight thing is never mentioned.
36:21It actually comes from a German silent film in 1922 called Nosferatu.
36:25There are various references, anyway, in the book to him going out
36:28during the day to a trip to London Zoo.
36:30Dracula is coming, stand by your beds.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:35Shut up, Billy!
36:36It's a zoo, it's not the army!
36:39It's Dracula's coming!
36:41David Bowie? Who said David Bowie?
36:44Oh, I did.
36:45I'm melting!
36:46He was a vampire.
36:47Do you know what his real surname is?
36:49Jones.
36:50Jones, David Jones.
36:51But he called himself after the Bowie knife,
36:53but he didn't know how to pronounce it,
36:55so he called himself David Bowie,
36:56but in fact he should have been David Bowie.
36:58David Bowie.
36:59Yeah.
37:00If you're not sure how to kill Dracula, just take a stab in the dark.
37:05I'm definitely losing them.
37:08This is easy.
37:09What chemical is added to all our tap water?
37:13Yes!
37:14Fluoride.
37:15No.
37:21Is that not true?
37:22Have I made that up?
37:23It's not true, you haven't made it up, it's not true.
37:24Chlorine.
37:25No!
37:26Chlorine is added to absolutely all of our water to keep it safe.
37:29Tribina.
37:30LAUGHTER
37:32I'd definitely be less dehydrated if that was in the water.
37:36So anybody who lives, well, certainly within 50 kilometres
37:38of this studio has never had fluoride added to their tap water.
37:41It's only about 9% of the UK population that has it artificially added.
37:46So I think we've got a map.
37:47You can see parts of West Midlands and Berkshire and North Lincolnshire
37:50and Nottinghamshire.
37:51What are they down to deserve it?
37:53Well, the thing is, it's good stuff.
37:54It stops cavities and strengthens the tooth enamel.
37:57And there is a plan to increase the amount of fluoride across the country.
38:02Basically one part fluoride to a million parts water.
38:04The best thing you can do if you're in an area without adding fluoride is what?
38:08Brush your teeth.
38:09Brush your teeth.
38:10And while you're brushing your teeth...
38:11Don't spit.
38:12Don't spit it out, is the answer.
38:13Is that true?
38:14Yeah.
38:15But we do have chlorine, as you suggested, because it disinfects the water.
38:18So the whole thing about fluoride was discovered by a young dentist called
38:21Frederick Mackay in 1901.
38:23There was a place in Colorado Springs where people got what he called
38:28Colorado brown stains.
38:29So their teeth were all stained the colour of chocolate.
38:32And he wanted to find out what it was.
38:34But they were also unusually resistant to decay.
38:37So what happens if you have too much fluoride, it makes your teeth go brown,
38:41but they are very, very strong.
38:42And what they realised is if you reduce the concentration of fluoride,
38:46then you'll have strong teeth and they won't turn chocolatey.
38:49It was all down to him.
38:50Where were they getting the fluoride from?
38:52It was natural in their water.
38:53Now, what shape is a proper all-butter French croissant?
39:00Yes.
39:01Are they completely straight?
39:02Is the right answer.
39:04So what we've got here is two different kinds.
39:16So the ones that are this shape are made with margarine.
39:20And they are the cheaper ones.
39:21And these straight ones are the ones that are made with butter.
39:24And it is not uncommon in French families for the parents to have these
39:27and give these to the kids.
39:29Because they're cheaper.
39:31Quick question.
39:32Are we going to get to have a...
39:33Yes, would you like it, Marshall?
39:34Yes.
39:35That's an investigation.
39:36Yeah.
39:37Very straight.
39:38That's fine.
39:39Are they vegan?
39:40Those are vegan, yeah.
39:41This thing can't be any straighter if they're trying.
39:44Just to go on, actors, comedians, free food.
39:47It is unbelievable.
39:48The thing about me, Sandy, is I'm a man of science.
39:52So if something is straight, I've got to see if it's straight by putting it in my mouth.
39:56OK.
39:57And you are straight things in a straight world.
40:00What about straight men?
40:01Where are I right?
40:02Oh, yes, historically you've really suffered.
40:06Now...
40:07Right, how many noses do you have?
40:19One, but it's a big one.
40:25Not one, no.
40:26I actually know this, Sandy.
40:28Go.
40:29I think that we have, like, two noses.
40:33Yes, that is correct.
40:35Why aren't you happy for me?
40:37So what we call our nose is actually two organs that are working independently.
40:48A bit like our left and our right eyes, our left and our right ears.
40:52Each nostril has its own nasal cavity.
40:54They don't connect to the other.
40:56They don't even smell the same either.
40:59So we process the information from each nose at slightly different speeds.
41:03They stimulate different sides of the brain.
41:05The airflow is always stronger on one side than it is on the other.
41:08They switch every sort of three to six hours, something like that.
41:11And it's controlled by erectile tissue.
41:16Wait.
41:17Sandy, what do you mean?
41:20It's tissue in the linings that swell with blood, basically.
41:22And that is how we control where the breathing is happening.
41:25So we've got boners in our nose?
41:29Now, you know, right, from Roisin that you've got two noses.
41:33How many organs do you think you have in total?
41:3812.
41:39BELL RINGS
41:44Nobody say any more numbers.
41:49The answer is it depends how you count them.
41:51So we know, for example, that the skin is an organ, but it consists of three parts.
41:56The dermis, the epidermis and the subcutaneous.
41:58Is that three organs or is that one organ?
42:01So you have at least 79, depending obviously on your sex.
42:05One or two more.
42:06Two.
42:07But if you counted every single...
42:12And you'll never find the second one.
42:15Yours has two nostrils out.
42:20If you counted every bone, every muscle, I mean, almost 1,000.
42:23So...
42:24No.
42:25Yeah.
42:26Some of this stuff is made up.
42:29Which brings us to the most controversial count of all,
42:32which is the scores.
42:33Bombing in last place with minus 27, it's Nish.
42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:42Julia's own abortion with minus 26 is Lou.
42:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:50Going out of the blaze of glory with minus three, it's Alan.
42:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:55And catapulting herself into first place, our winner tonight, with two whole points,
43:03is Roisin!
43:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:07So, it's a very big thank you to Roisin, Nish, Lou and Alan.
43:19And I leave you with this from Evelyn Waugh, when asked how he'd found his first battle.
43:25Like German opera, too long and too loud.
43:28Thank you and good night.
43:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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