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Taskmaster (2015) Season 20 Episode 8 - Am I an Idiom
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:36Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Tusk Master.
00:39I'd like to start on a personal note, if I may, today,
00:42and tell you that Anna, the member of the crew
00:44who makes my coffees when I arrive at studio,
00:46recently pointed out to me that in nearly 200 episodes of television,
00:50I have not once said thank you to her.
00:52And so I want to start this show by putting that right.
00:55Anna, sincerely, thank you for all your hard work.
00:58But also, your coffee tastes like crap!
01:01Clear your desk!
01:02You think I can't replace you?
01:03I've got a thousand waiting!
01:05LAUGHTER
01:06Right!
01:07Please welcome our contestants!
01:09Anya Magliano!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Maisie Anna!
01:15Phil Ellis!
01:17Rhys Sheer-Smith!
01:19And Sanji Bhaskar!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24And next to me, a man who tells me
01:26he's going on holiday this year
01:28to a mysterious place where everybody spits when they talk.
01:32Wales!
01:33It's...
01:35Little Alex Horne!
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38So, how are people of Wales?
01:41Don't know what you've got against the people of Wales.
01:43Subhuman, you said.
01:45Oh, dear.
01:46Prize task, then.
01:47Yes, it is.
01:48Greg and I suppose it's also...
01:50Boo!
01:51Because this week, the category...
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55The category is the best thing that has a surprise aspect to it.
01:58Oh, good.
01:59Yeah.
02:00I have to say, I was a little alarmed when I first saw your
02:02surprise aspect, Greg, but I've got used to it.
02:04And I don't mind it at all now.
02:06The thing with a surprise that Greg likes best will get five points,
02:09and the winner of the show gets to take home all five things.
02:13Hello, Rhys.
02:14What have you bought that might surprise me?
02:16As you know, I am a bit of a David Dickinson in real life.
02:19Well, you've filled your house full of weird things.
02:21That's right.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23I went to an antique fair and I bought this item.
02:26The Improved Patent Magneto Electric Machine for Nervous Diseases.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34You crank the handle and you hold the two things and it's meant
02:37to give you a shock.
02:39I was assured when I bought it from the man, it didn't work.
02:42Right.
02:43So, I took it home and I said to my daughter, Holly,
02:48do you want to have a go at it?
02:49Yeah, let's not take a risk on using it yourself.
02:51No.
02:52And I turned and she gave her a mass in electricity.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:58Absolutely bizarre.
03:00Anya?
03:01I brought in a mixtape and the thing that is surprising about it
03:04is that someone gave it to me and I've never listened to it.
03:07A boy?
03:08Yeah.
03:09What's he called?
03:10Ray.
03:11Ooh!
03:12So, I didn't have anything to listen to it on.
03:14I didn't have one of those...
03:15Oh, you didn't have a tape machine?
03:17Yeah.
03:18I don't know what that is.
03:19The mixtape looks like this.
03:20It is a classic cassette.
03:21We can see it there.
03:22Yeah.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24I've never listened to it but Alex has listened to it.
03:28You don't know this, Anya, but Ray introduced it.
03:30So, I can play you Ray's voice.
03:33This is a mixtape I made for you.
03:37There we go.
03:38Is that genuinely his voice?
03:41LAUGHTER
03:42It's like older than the electric shock machine.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46It's like the guy who invented the telephone.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50The second bit goes,
03:51Germany calling!
03:52Germany calling!
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55Well, Anya, let's not mess around.
03:57You've surprised me.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00It's the weirdest thing that we've ever had on the show.
04:03Sanjeev, what surprising thing have you brought in?
04:06Christmas crackers.
04:10Here they are.
04:11He's brought in Christmas crackers.
04:12OK.
04:13A variety.
04:14Hey!
04:15Huh?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17Do you know what's in them?
04:18Oh, OK.
04:19I shouldn't write one point down?
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22It's not going to stop you.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24OK, let's take the white one.
04:26If you open that up, there's a banana in it!
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30You weren't expecting that, were you?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33I mean, I sort of was.
04:34Were you?
04:35Hang on, then.
04:36If we take the banana out, what do we find in the banana?
04:39A little cracker!
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41You weren't expecting that, were you?
04:42I am slightly more surprised by that.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:45What do you find in the little cracker?
04:47Oh, God, it's not a mixtape, is it?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51No, it isn't!
04:52It's a picture of you!
04:53I was kind of expecting it to be a banana.
04:56I wasn't expecting the small cracker.
04:57There was an element of surprise.
04:58Yeah.
04:59Yeah.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01Macy.
05:02I've made a mixtape, I'm not Ray.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06I'm not Ray.
05:07No, I've made a compilation album.
05:10I reached out to various people connected to my fellow contestants
05:14and asked for surprising facts about you all.
05:17And this is the album that she's produced?
05:19It's called Now What's That About You?
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24Do you want to hear Phil's one?
05:26This is from your mum.
05:28When Phil was four, he went through a phase of only saying the words
05:32hedgehog no.
05:33Oh, fuck.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35Hedgehog no.
05:36Hedgehog no.
05:37Well, we all go through that phase, don't we?
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41Rhys, I reached out to your comedy partner, Steve Pemberton, for this one.
05:45OK.
05:46This is what Steve said.
05:47One surprising thing about Rhys is that he used to draw pornographic pictures
05:54of all our tutors when we were at college and he would take requests.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02APPLAUSE
06:04Yeah, that's true.
06:07The requests used to be animals.
06:09Oh, George!
06:11Hedgehog no!
06:13LAUGHTER
06:18That is, er, very surprising.
06:21Phil, last one.
06:22Er, I have brought in a beautiful family heirloom, which is a grandfather clock.
06:28Yes, he has. Here it is.
06:29There it is. Beautiful, isn't it?
06:31Lovely.
06:32Passed down, ironically, from my auntie, RIP.
06:36I, er...
06:37She's not dead, but it's no life the way she is at the moment, but...
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42But you opened the grandfather clock.
06:47It is a little surprise.
06:49Watch this.
06:50Yeah.
06:51It's also a fridge.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55Did you put the fridge in?
06:57Yeah.
06:58I've devalued it quite a lot.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02Oh, God. Oh, they're all quite good.
07:04Mmm.
07:05Banana within a cracker.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09I still think it's the worst one.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:12One point to Sanjeev.
07:14One point to Sanjeev, is it?
07:15Hmm.
07:16Phil, I'm going to give it two points, because it doesn't surprise me that much
07:19that you've put a fridge in a grandfather clock.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22It doesn't surprise me that you have got a Victorian device for electrocuting people,
07:27but you get a point more than him, because it does surprise me you electrocuted a child.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32And then we're up to the big guns.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Four points to the wonderful research.
07:36And, wherever you are, Ray...
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39You've just got her five points.
07:40Five points to Sanjeev!
07:41APPLAUSE
07:46Right, let's have the first task, please, Alex.
07:48Right, you are.
07:49And we begin with some honking, some whistling, and ten simple questions.
07:53MUSIC
08:07Hello!
08:08Oh, my gosh!
08:10Mm-hm.
08:11That's a lot of ducks.
08:12I was hoping there'd be ducks at some...
08:14Very excited.
08:15What fresh hell is this?
08:18I feel judged.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:28Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn
08:32and return on Alex's whistle.
08:35Every time you return, you must answer Alex's question within 30 seconds.
08:40You cannot change your answer.
08:42Alex will ask you ten questions.
08:44Most correct answers wins.
08:47Your time starts now.
08:49BUZZER
08:51Right.
08:52BUZZER
08:53BUZZER
08:54I need to clap.
08:55BUZZER
08:56BUZZER
08:57BUZZER
08:58Oh, wait a minute.
08:59Yeah, I'm not honking the horn yet.
09:01BUZZER
09:02BUZZER
09:04You OK?
09:05BUZZER
09:06BUZZER
09:07APPLAUSE
09:08BUZZER
09:14Well, there's not much more we need to know, is there?
09:17So let's just crack on.
09:18Yes, it's an intriguing one.
09:20And we're going to start with Anya, Maisie and Philip.
09:24BUZZER
09:25BUZZER
09:26Alex, I'm here.
09:27Helen?
09:28Where's I supposed to sit?
09:30BUZZER
09:31Great, brilliant, really.
09:33BUZZER
09:34BUZZER
09:35BUZZER
09:36Maisie, Adam, have a seat.
09:38Hello, Anya.
09:40Are you ready for the question?
09:42BUZZER
09:43Yes.
09:44Yes, I am.
09:46Oh, lovely.
09:47That wasn't the question.
09:49Phil?
09:50Yes.
09:51BUZZER
09:54BUZZER
09:55BUZZER
09:56Your whistle.
09:57BUZZER
09:58This one.
09:59This whistle.
10:00BUZZER
10:01Eight seconds.
10:02I need an answer.
10:03BUZZER
10:04Duck.
10:05OK, please write that on the board.
10:06BUZZER
10:07Confident with that?
10:08Yes, one duck you've written.
10:09BUZZER
10:10BUZZER
10:11Off you go.
10:12BUZZER
10:13You need to be quicker with blowing your whistle.
10:14I won't be quick.
10:15BUZZER
10:16BUZZER
10:17BUZZER
10:18BUZZER
10:20BUZZER
10:21BUZZER
10:22BUZZER
10:23BUZZER
10:24BUZZER
10:25BUZZER
10:26BUZZER
10:27BUZZER
10:28OK, good.
10:29Hi.
10:30Phil.
10:31Anya Magliano.
10:32Yes.
10:33What's missing?
10:34Chicken.
10:35Chicken.
10:36BUZZER
10:37Duck.
10:38BUZZER
10:39Maisie, what's missing?
10:40A pumpkin.
10:41Why didn't you say that?
10:42Because it's right.
10:43BUZZER
10:44Fucking hell, Mum.
10:45Talk about this and we're missing it here now.
10:47Bastards.
10:48That was...
10:49Was that there?
10:50There's new stuff up.
10:51Cows.
10:52Was that there before?
10:53That is all stuff that's in that room.
10:56But that is that sock.
10:57BUZZER
10:58BUZZER
10:59What's missing?
11:00Oh, the ducks are facing another way.
11:01Is that a clue?
11:02What's missing?
11:03Nothing.
11:04You haven't moved a thing.
11:05BUZZER
11:06I think you might be Arno.
11:07What's missing?
11:08What's missing?
11:09What's missing?
11:10Oh, wait.
11:11That apple wasn't there.
11:12BUZZER
11:13Is this the lobby?
11:14Does he really mean what's missing?
11:16I'm going to take everything off here.
11:18Is the question actually like, what would you put in this room?
11:21It's us.
11:22I've furnished it to my abilities.
11:23What's missing?
11:24What's missing?
11:25Nothing, Alex.
11:26It's perfect as it is.
11:27BUZZER
11:28BUZZER
11:29BUZZER
11:30BUZZER
11:31BUZZER
11:33BUZZER
11:34BUZZER
11:35BUZZER
11:36BUZZER
11:37BUZZER
11:38BUZZER
11:39BUZZER
11:40BUZZER
11:41BUZZER
11:42BUZZER
11:43BUZZER
11:44BUZZER
11:45BUZZER
11:46BUZZER
11:47BUZZER
11:48BUZZER
11:49BUZZER
11:50BUZZER
11:51BUZZER
11:52BUZZER
11:53BUZZER
11:54BUZZER
11:55BUZZER
11:56BUZZER
11:57BUZZER
11:58BUZZER
11:59BUZZER
12:00BUZZER
12:01BUZZER
12:02BUZZER
12:03BUZZER
12:04BUZZER
12:05Oh my God, what's going on?
12:19Oh, thank God you're here.
12:22Before you go, do you know what that looks like of interest?
12:25I don't know what's happening anymore.
12:27What's missing? Nothing.
12:28I'm worried these things that aren't meant to be in the task
12:30and I'm seeing stuff again.
12:32I've rumbled you, Horne.
12:34Are you ready for your question, Phil?
12:38The final one.
12:39What connects all the correct answers?
12:43An iron.
12:45A butternut squash.
12:46A horse.
12:47An egg.
12:48What just connects all of these things?
12:50Yes, that's the question.
12:51They're all things...
12:52No, I couldn't get that up my arse.
12:53Good try.
12:55They're all nothing.
12:57They're all nothing.
12:58Nothing.
12:59Yeah.
13:00They're all stuff I was left in my nana's will.
13:03They're all outside, on the shelf.
13:06In the waiting lobby.
13:09Thank you, Anya.
13:10I feel like I'm going to pass out.
13:12APPLAUSE
13:14And, Anya, did you work it out, do you think?
13:23It drove me insane.
13:24It was horrible.
13:25It was crazy.
13:26It felt like some sort of torture system from an ancient culture.
13:29Phil, it was the most focused I've seen you throughout this series,
13:33up until the point you stated that you couldn't get a big iron up your bum.
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37Well, not if it's hot.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:41I'm waiting to give it a go if it's not been near a stove.
13:44Let it chill down.
13:45Get some butter.
13:46Bob Toronto.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:49Now, then, what I was amazed by, because this hasn't been a characteristic of you
13:52during this series, is just how smug you were.
13:55You were so pleased with yourself.
13:57I thought I'd cracked it.
13:58I thought I'd worked...
13:59Oh, that was my favourite bit.
14:00You going, I'm inside his head.
14:04Have you got a smug face?
14:05Well, maybe.
14:06Have a look at this.
14:13Yeah, so we left them alone in the lobby,
14:15and Anya and Phil noticed things.
14:27Oh, no.
14:28Oh, come on.
14:29Yes.
14:30And I can tell you that none of that is relevant to the task absolutely.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34APPLAUSE
14:39Good.
14:40That is the end of part one, and Alex's turn.
14:43For the first time ever, I'm going to let him send us into the break.
14:46Oh, thanks, Greg.
14:47That's all right.
14:48OK, well, it's the end of part one, and as far as people...
14:51Shut up!
14:53See you in a bit.
14:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:04APPLAUSE
15:06Hello.
15:07Welcome back to the final part of this half of the show.
15:10What's he on about?
15:11Bonkers!
15:12Yes.
15:13In the current task, they had to keep leaving the living room
15:16and then working out what had changed upon their return.
15:19Now, finally, it's two impatient guys from the 60s.
15:22Sanjeef Bhaskar OBE and Rhys Wayne Shearsmith.
15:27WHISTLE BLOWS
15:28Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar.
15:29Have a seat.
15:31Rhys Shearsmith.
15:32Yes.
15:33Have a seat.
15:35I'm going to ask you your question now.
15:36Yep.
15:37What's missing?
15:40Oh, no.
15:42Something that was in the room that is no longer in the room.
15:45My enthusiasm.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47Already?
15:48Yeah.
15:49Question one.
15:50Yep.
15:51Would you mind writing enthusiasm...
15:52Yep, sure.
15:53..on the board?
15:54I don't know if I can be arse.
15:58Great, just nine more to go.
16:02The answer is one of the many ducks.
16:04Right.
16:05So you could have just written duck.
16:06So now penalised for being really clear.
16:09I mean, can't wait with you.
16:13Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar.
16:14What's missing?
16:15Yellow duck.
16:16Ah.
16:20Hello, Sanjeef.
16:21What's missing?
16:25I'm going to go for another yellow duck.
16:27Duck, yep.
16:30There you go.
16:31Duck.
16:32Right.
16:33Which duck?
16:34Now you wonder...
16:35I knew you were going to say that!
16:36It's nothing to do with a duck.
16:37Start with the thing of it.
16:39What's missing?
16:40I'm going to say two yellow ducks.
16:41Yellow ducks.
16:44My next answer is going to be another yellow duck.
16:46Oh, you can...
16:47Do you want me to put that in now?
16:48Do you know what?
16:49That'll save a bit of time, innit?
16:50Yeah.
16:53Do you want me to give you the next answer as well?
16:56Well, it will save some time.
16:57It's up to you if you want to.
16:58Okay, great.
16:59Well, I've actually...
17:00The question for number six is actually what's new in the room.
17:03Oh, is it?
17:04Hmm.
17:05Yeah, what the hell?
17:07Yeah.
17:09Reece Shearsmith.
17:10What's missing?
17:11What's missing?
17:12What is missing?
17:13The duck's face is...
17:14Some ducks.
17:15There's a cat in here.
17:16Teapot.
17:17Reece Shearsmith.
17:18How are you?
17:19Just before I ask you the question.
17:20I think just get on with it.
17:21What's missing is it?
17:22What's missing, yeah.
17:23Mr.
17:24Mr. Reece Shearsmith.
17:25That's what's missing.
17:26What was the one after that?
17:27What's missing?
17:28Yeah, what's missing?
17:33Nothing's changed here.
17:35Definitely.
17:36Not.
17:45Well, that's new.
17:48So, just two questions left.
17:50Well, question nine is what's missing?
17:53What was in the room that isn't in the room now?
17:55Yep.
17:56OK.
17:57And then question ten is what connects all the correct answers?
18:00What connects all the correct answers?
18:02OK.
18:06I do too.
18:07Excellent.
18:08And that's the end of the task.
18:09I didn't get to honk my horn as much as usual, but I will honk it now.
18:11There you go.
18:12I didn't do very well.
18:13By name, by noise.
18:15Thank you very much.
18:16Thank you, Sanjeev.
18:17Thank you very much.
18:18Thank you, Sanjeev.
18:19We've got duck, duck faces.
18:20We've got a tie, some ducks, a cat, a teapot, mister, and the colour permitted from a duck.
18:26I'm going to say it's duck things.
18:28Connects all the answers.
18:30That's it.
18:31See you, Rhys.
18:32See you later.
18:39I mean, that's one way to do it, Sanjeev.
18:41Not to care.
18:42But it's true.
18:43My enthusiasm, my will to live, my soul, they had all left the room.
18:48Did you have a lovely time, Rhys?
18:50It was frustrating.
18:52I thought the big duck walking out of the toilet, I thought, well, this is going to send him over the edge.
18:57That's new.
18:58No, it was sort of, it was what you would do to break somebody.
19:02Shall we see what was actually missing?
19:04Who, yeah, who got it right?
19:05Well, Sanjeev didn't, of course, notice the enormous duck at any point.
19:09Couldn't give a shit.
19:10Well, let's see if that tactic works.
19:17This is what was going on.
19:20Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn.
19:24Return on Alex's whistle.
19:31Alex, I'm here.
19:33Helen!
19:34Blow your whistle!
19:35Hello.
19:37What's missing?
19:38One of the many ducks.
19:39A pumpkin.
19:40Eggs.
19:41Eggs.
19:42Eggs.
19:43What's missing?
19:44Teapot.
19:45A horse.
19:46Nothing.
19:47There has been a slam of the door each time I've come out.
19:49The question for number six is actually what's new in the rooms?
19:52Duck, is it?
19:53Yeah.
19:56What connects all the correct answers?
19:58How do we say it's duck?
19:59Duck things connects all the answers.
20:00Yeah.
20:01Not bad.
20:02Yeah.
20:03He's playing good in the end, but who would have thought?
20:04Literally, a person who couldn't care less whether he was here or not has got the system right.
20:19Yeah.
20:20Well, Maisie, you didn't put duck once.
20:22Well, that is stupid tusk!
20:24Please!
20:25You've changed your tune.
20:26They're so stupid!
20:27Show us mud face again.
20:28Phil, you've got one and a half right out of ten.
20:42Oh, what's the half?
20:43Well, you put all the ducks were missing at one point because he didn't see that all the ducks were still in the room.
20:47Oh, yeah.
20:48In fact, just one of the ducks was missing at that point, so I've given you a half.
20:50Oh.
20:51Anya, you've got two right.
20:52Rhys, you've got five right, but the winner and five points to him is Sanjeev with six points.
20:56There it is!
20:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:02Scoreboard, please.
21:03Well, Rhys is in second place with seven points, but in the lead with eight points, it's Anya!
21:07Oh!
21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:11Right.
21:13Next task, please.
21:15OK, and it's time for an art task that made them go above and beyond.
21:19The canvas.
21:20Ooh.
21:21Ooh!
21:22Ooh!
21:27Ooh!
21:28Ooh!
21:38Ooh!
21:43Hello. Hello.
21:58And stop. Do you feel safe?
22:02Well, I did. Now I don't, since you said that.
22:05I'm not going to talk to you until you're safe.
22:08Am I not safe? No.
22:10Safe from what? Peril.
22:13Peril?
22:15This will hurt a little bit.
22:17OK, clicked in. You are secure.
22:23I haven't been harnessed in months.
22:26This is great.
22:29Oh, God! It's really quick how much it pulls you back.
22:36Paint the best picture of one animal
22:39sitting on top of another animal.
22:42You must paint on the paper below.
22:48I didn't spot that.
22:50Excellent.
22:51You must not leave the balcony.
22:52You have 15 minutes and your time starts now.
22:56OK, let me just have a little look at my things I've got.
22:59Interesting.
23:00So that's for the finer work.
23:03Oh, well, this is just stupid.
23:06It's a fast master classic, really.
23:16It's paint a picture, you know, in difficult circumstances.
23:20So I think we'll just crack on with it.
23:22But before we do, would anyone like to see Anya deliberately run away
23:26from something that she's been tethered to
23:28and make a noise like a small cat.
23:32You're in luck.
23:34OK, here they all are creating their high-concept artwork.
23:48So, what animals are there?
23:50Snakes.
23:55Pig.
23:56An orangutan.
23:57Have you decided on your animal yet?
23:58No, I'm just trying to work out how useful these things are.
24:02No.
24:03No?
24:04Not yet.
24:05Oh, right.
24:06I hear you're quite an artist, Rhys.
24:08Not on this scale.
24:10We need brown.
24:11Brown is red and blue.
24:13OK.
24:14Just going to be a mucky horse.
24:16So it's an orangutan sitting on a mucky horse.
24:19Yeah.
24:20That's a horse.
24:21Just screams horse to me.
24:25I'm trying to draw a top view of hippopotamus.
24:29Hippos have quite big bodies.
24:31Horsey's.
24:33Oh, my God.
24:36Oh, it's lovely.
24:40Well, maybe it is a dragon.
24:41It could be a Komodo dragon.
24:42That's a dressing gown, isn't it?
24:45Well, that's quite good.
24:47Why not?
24:52This is hype.
24:53Come on, Horsey.
24:55Oh, this is so stupid.
24:57Right.
24:58Oh, this is ungainly.
25:02Oh!
25:04Shut up, Alex.
25:05Sorry.
25:06I'm going to have to use the tube.
25:08Alex, could you pour it in the end, really?
25:11Just stop when I tell you.
25:13Obviously.
25:14Right, start pouring.
25:16Here we go.
25:17There we go!
25:19Stop pouring.
25:25Stop pouring, I said.
25:26I haven't.
25:31It's now a panda.
25:33That is striped ginger cat.
25:35Oh, it was good for a bit, this.
25:3715 seconds.
25:38Shut up!
25:39I'm quite happy with that.
25:40Do you want me to sign it?
25:41P-E.
25:42OK.
25:44It's got an eye!
25:45WHISTLE BLOWS
25:46WHISTLE BLOWS
25:47WHISTLE BLOWS
25:48Shut up!
25:49I'm quite happy with that.
25:50Do you want me to sign it?
25:51P-E.
25:52OK.
25:54It's got an eye!
25:55WHISTLE BLOWS
25:56WHISTLE BLOWS
25:57APPLAUSE
25:58Phil, I've said it before, I'll say it again. I think you're wasted in this era. I think you're a 70s slapstick king.
26:11Thanks very much.
26:12I mean, how could you get wrapped up in your...
26:13I appreciate what!
26:14LAUGHTER
26:21We start with Phil's.
26:22Oh, I enjoyed this task.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:28It's good!
26:29Well, it's an orangutan on either a dog, a horse, or a fire-breathing dragon.
26:34Yes!
26:35It was meant to be fire, but it looks like it is being... just bleeding from its mouth.
26:39But...
26:40It's a great orangutan.
26:41It's amazing.
26:42Yeah, the orangutan film.
26:43And it's a great demonic creature.
26:44It's very good, this film.
26:45Oh, thank you.
26:46You're welcome.
26:47Let's have a look at Sanjeev's effort.
26:49Here we go.
26:50Oh.
26:51So, this is viewed from above.
26:55It's a ginger cat sitting on the back of a hippopotamus.
26:59Oh, OK.
27:00Yeah.
27:01Yeah, it's a big grey thing, all right.
27:05And it's a ginger cat?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Do you need me to make the noise?
27:09LAUGHTER
27:11Can't.
27:12Can't.
27:13Who's next?
27:14Let's have a look at Maisie's one.
27:15Oh, wow.
27:17Never has anyone fucked up their own snake so quickly.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:21You like the detail, though?
27:23The detail in the tail, that's pretty good.
27:25Squiggly piggy tail?
27:26Yeah, squiggly piggy tail.
27:27Yeah, squiggly piggy tail.
27:28Yeah, squiggly piggy tail.
27:29They've got corkscrew penises as well, did you know?
27:31What?
27:32Oh, I did.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34What are you talking about, a corkscrew penis?
27:37They've got a penis that's shaped like a corkscrew.
27:39Like a spiral?
27:40No, the other bit.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42The arms!
27:44LAUGHTER
27:49APPLAUSE
27:51OK, let's leave the gallery for a quick break,
27:55and then, as has happened throughout our friendship,
27:58I'll show Alex some images of one animal on top of another.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02Hello! Here we are again. Welcome back to an arty part three.
28:16Our contestants have all had a long-distance relationship
28:19with their canvases.
28:20Best picture of an animal sitting on top of another animal wins.
28:23And our next gallery singleton comes from resident artist
28:26Reece Wayne Shearsmith.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:32It's a crocodile.
28:33Yeah.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:36It's a pretty good crocodile.
28:37Oh, it's a great crocodile.
28:38It's really good.
28:39If you imagine it, it's quite a coquettish panda...
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43..that's looking to the left like...
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45It's a pretty good panda.
28:46That's exactly what I was going for.
28:49Who's next?
28:50It's Anya's picture of this animal sitting on this animal.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:58Oh, wow, that is the worst, isn't it?
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02What do you mean?
29:03Is it a dolphin?
29:04Yeah.
29:05It's a whale.
29:06I can see it's aquatic.
29:07Yeah.
29:08Yeah.
29:09It's in the sea.
29:10And is the other animal the yellow thing?
29:11Yes.
29:12A chicken leg?
29:13A chicken leg.
29:14It's a bird.
29:15It's not a bird.
29:16You said it was a monkey.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18LAUGHTER
29:21All right.
29:22It's a rubbish monkey on top of some sort of aquatic creature.
29:25Show me them all and I'll make some decisions.
29:27OK.
29:28I really like all of the paintings.
29:30I do.
29:31I enjoy them.
29:32So I'm not going to give anyone one point.
29:34I know you won't like this.
29:35Right.
29:36But I think that at the bottom of the pile with two points each,
29:39and I don't think this is unfair, would be Anya and Sanjeev.
29:42I certainly don't think that's a cat and, my God, that's no monkey.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47But, sure, there's a hippo and I can see that's aquatic,
29:50so I'm going to give them two points each.
29:51OK, two to Anya, two to Sanjeev.
29:52OK.
29:53I've got it.
29:54Four points each to Maisie and Rhys,
29:56because I really like their paintings.
29:58But it's the detail on the orangutan that takes the five points.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:02I see the orangutan and I feel good.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05It's five points to Phil Ellis.
30:06Well done.
30:07APPLAUSE
30:11Please, may we have one more task?
30:13Yes, of course.
30:14And now it's time to put all five of them
30:16in some awkward positions in the dome.
30:34OK.
30:37Hi, Alex.
30:43Oh, hi, Maisie.
30:44In you go, Anya.
30:45In I go.
30:46Can I read that?
30:49Please read and do the task immediately.
30:51Your time's started when you walk through the door.
30:53Oh.
30:54OK.
30:55My time's already started.
30:56You need that in bigger writing,
30:58or maybe on the outside of the, er...
31:00Right.
31:01The dome.
31:02OK, I'll get on that.
31:03Have a little look.
31:04I'll just read this, shall I?
31:06OK.
31:08You must read each of these instructions out
31:11and do them immediately.
31:13Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
31:16Doing it now.
31:17That's my bad leg.
31:18That's it.
31:19Put one finger in your...
31:21I've got no balance.
31:22I've got flat feet.
31:23Put one finger in your ear and keep it there.
31:25Put your other hand on your head and keep it there.
31:28Pull an extreme facial expression and keep that expression on your face.
31:34There.
31:36Yeah.
31:37Lovely.
31:39Wow.
31:40Your time has started and will end if you move your hands.
31:43Touch the ground with your foot.
31:45I'll change the paper pattern.
31:48Please read and do the task immediately.
31:51The time starts when you walk through the door, yeah?
31:55What's the task?
31:57All the information's on the task, Rhys.
32:01What?
32:02Is it just the task?
32:04Why is there a...
32:05Why is there an apple turnover?
32:08Why is...
32:09I don't understand the chicken.
32:10Why did the chicken cross the road?
32:12To get to the other side.
32:16Why did the chicken cross...
32:17Turn over.
32:18Turn up, turn the task...
32:19Oh, you.
32:20Ha, ha.
32:22Oh, come on.
32:29It's not touching the ground.
32:31Oh, you're okay.
32:32Oh, you can...
32:33Oh.
32:34It's all right.
32:35It's fine.
32:36Oh, there we go.
32:37You've done it.
32:38Oh, I've done it.
32:39Say the most five-letter words.
32:42If anyone uses the same five-letter words as you,
32:45five words will be lost from both your totals.
32:49Most five-letter words wins.
32:52I have 20 minutes...
32:54Yeah.
32:55...of this.
33:06I think Rhys has spoken for everyone there.
33:08I mean, it's a fun task, you know.
33:10A lot of fun, yeah.
33:1120 minutes of this!
33:12It does seem like cruel torture.
33:15You're just resting on that thing.
33:17Mm, as always, all the information is on the task from that thing.
33:20Fuck off.
33:21Oh.
33:22LAUGHTER
33:24Let's have a look.
33:26Let's have a look.
33:27OK.
33:28Well, here is a clip about APR.
33:29No, not your annual percentage rate.
33:31It's Anya, Phil and Rhys, Wayne, Shearsmith.
33:37Say the most five-letter word.
33:39Um...
33:40Am I allowed to rest the leg on anything?
33:45I've tried to put all the information on the task.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:49Oh, that's opened up a whole new world to me.
33:52Ticks, staff.
33:53Tiger.
33:54Horse.
33:55Lovely.
33:56Here we go.
33:57Animals.
33:58Roads.
33:59Gangs.
34:00Crook.
34:01Crime.
34:02No.
34:03Pasty.
34:04Oh, no, but someone else has probably said that.
34:06Pasty!
34:07Oh.
34:08I'm just confused about why that's there.
34:10You've got 16 minutes left.
34:12Wait, what?
34:14Oh, no.
34:20Oh.
34:21I know, I know.
34:22No, that's the end of the task.
34:23What?
34:24It doesn't...
34:25Does it say that?
34:27Oh, shit.
34:29Oh, Anya.
34:30Oh.
34:32How long do I have to do it for?
34:35You've got a maximum of 20 minutes.
34:3720 minutes?
34:38Yeah.
34:39How many minutes left?
34:4012 and a half.
34:4112 and a half?!
34:42You've got 12 minutes left.
34:4312 minutes?!
34:44Jesus Christ!
34:46Tango!
34:47On the dances now.
34:48Oh, beasts.
34:49That's how that was.
34:50Right.
34:51Beasts.
34:52Teeth.
34:53No one's going to say that, aren't they?
34:54Teeth!
34:55Plane.
34:56Plane.
34:57I'll have the other plane as well, please.
34:59B-I-N.
35:00Right, both planes.
35:01Got it.
35:02Pains.
35:03Cramp.
35:04Tired.
35:05Hurt.
35:06Cruel.
35:07I don't think you'll have much about me, Alex, but...
35:08I don't quit.
35:09You do look in a lot of pain, though.
35:11I'm in so much pain.
35:12I didn't realise I'd sweat quite so much.
35:15Er...
35:16Really sweaty.
35:17Sweat.
35:18Stats.
35:19Just two and a half minutes left.
35:21Great.
35:22Musky.
35:23Clean.
35:24Hurt.
35:25Boots.
35:26Snore.
35:27Socks.
35:28Yeah, ten seconds.
35:29Let's bend on a nice one.
35:30Do you know what?
35:31Laugh.
35:32We thought it would be one of them, couldn't we?
35:33That was real as well.
35:34APPLAUSE
35:35I thought it was fair that you were kicked out because I was not happy with your silly face maintenance.
35:41Oh.
35:42What?
35:43Really?
35:44Yeah, this was your silly face.
35:45They're laughing at that.
35:46They're laughing at that.
35:47That's pretty silly, though.
35:48Good.
35:49A lot of pain.
35:50Yeah.
35:51A lot of sweat.
35:5220 minutes, one leg.
35:53No fucking leaning.
35:54I mean, you took advantage of the pain with your choice of words.
35:55I did.
35:56Pain, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired.
36:00Oh, wow, what a start.
36:01OK.
36:02It's time for some adverts now, but fortunately, their insipid blandness will only make the next part taste even sweeter.
36:15Hello, hello, and welcome to the final part of the show. How are you feeling about it all, Alex?
36:43You know, confident, relaxed, a little bit roundy, the Holy Trinity.
36:48The current task involves finding the other part of the task and then saying as many unique five-letter words as possible.
36:55But meanwhile, if a foot touches the floor, it's game over.
36:58With all of that in mind, and especially relevant, here is Maisie and Sanjeev.
37:05You must read each of these instructions out and do them immediately.
37:09Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
37:12I'll just switch your legs. OK.
37:18Oh, bollocks!
37:19Right, I can't help noticing your foot keeps touching the ground.
37:22OK.
37:23Yeah.
37:25I really needed to go to the loo, actually.
37:28This is it.
37:30It's time we started.
37:32What?
37:33Oh, God, what have I got to do?
37:37That's just the road, this...
37:44Why did the ticking cost the road?
37:46Is it about what?
37:47Oh, maybe.
37:48But why is there an apple pie? What's that for?
37:51An apple pie, is it?
37:57Is that an apple pie?
38:00Oh!
38:01Is it an apple curl over?
38:04Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the apple curl over?
38:07Why did the chicken cross the bastard road?
38:11Oh, bastard.
38:14My home on there.
38:16Home on there.
38:18I don't think I have to do anything.
38:20You...
38:21You would have fed.
38:24Wouldn't you?
38:26Stop the clock.
38:28You want me to stop the clock?
38:30Yeah, I'm done.
38:31I'm done.
38:32OK.
38:33Bye.
38:34Bye-bye.
38:34APPLAUSE
38:36I was so excited to do this show.
38:45I didn't understand the task.
38:47No.
38:48I got frustrated and I left.
38:50True.
38:51All of that was evident.
38:54I've got some interesting statistics for you.
38:56Rhys, you said 117 words.
39:0041 of them were said by other people, mostly Phil,
39:03which means your final number is minus 88.
39:06Oh, it's hard.
39:06Because each of those 41 loses you five words.
39:09Yeah.
39:09Yeah.
39:10So, Rhys, you come last.
39:11Great minds.
39:13That is shocking.
39:13Cruel.
39:14Maisie, you get minus 81.
39:16You get two points.
39:18Phil, minus 74 in the end.
39:20Anya, minus 49.
39:22The winner of the task was minus 32.
39:25Oh!
39:26Santis Bosco!
39:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:28The winner of the task, it turns out, was to not say a lot.
39:36If you'd not said a word, you would have won.
39:39Do you fucking mean to tell me that I stood sweating on one leg
39:47for 20 minutes and I've lost?
39:52Wrong from Sanjeev.
39:53Care less.
39:57Let's have a look at the scores.
39:58Yes.
39:59Sanjeev, you were in second place on 13.
40:01One point away from Anya, who's got 14 points.
40:03APPLAUSE
40:04And you're struggling.
40:07Yeah.
40:09It's that time again.
40:10Please, will you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
40:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:23Who will read the task, young fella, my lad?
40:25I think Anya's going to read it.
40:27OK.
40:29Demonstrate to the taskmaster the idiom demonstrated to you
40:33by your team-mate.
40:34All team members must remain silent and on their spots
40:37during a round.
40:39Best team wins.
40:41What is an idiom?
40:42LAUGHTER
40:44Am I an idiom?
40:45LAUGHTER
40:46They're just phrases.
40:47An idiom is something like jump on the bandwagon.
40:49And first up, it's going to be the team of two.
40:51I've got a list of phrases.
40:52I'm going to show you one, Maisie.
40:54You're going to demonstrate the idiom
40:56to your team-mate, Rhys Shearsmith.
40:58He will then, at the same time, do it to Greg.
41:00Essentially, charades with an extra link.
41:02OK.
41:03Greg, ready to guess?
41:04Oh, my God.
41:05OK, Rhys.
41:06I've never been read here.
41:07Here we go.
41:10Go.
41:18Rocking man.
41:22You can just copy her if you want.
41:28What do you think it is, Greg?
41:30What do you think it was in the end, Rhys?
41:41Because you're the only one who saw it.
41:43Something like a taste injection?
41:45Yes.
41:46A taste injection?
41:47She was doing this.
41:48It's a phrase.
41:49So think about phrases.
41:50Yes.
41:51They've turned on each other.
41:52A taste.
41:53A taste of...
41:54Of your own injection.
41:55A taste of your own medicine.
41:57Oh, yeah.
41:58They scored zero.
41:59So can we have two of the team of three, please?
42:00See if you can go and sit down and swap chairs.
42:01Shall we go for...?
42:02OK.
42:02OK.
42:03OK, so you've got to beat zero.
42:04Are you ready, Greg?
42:05Ready.
42:05Your time will start when you see the first one.
42:12Oh!
42:20Chat dog.
42:20Chat cat.
42:21Chat chat.
42:24Chat.
42:25Talk.
42:26Talk.
42:27Chat.
42:28Chat or talk.
42:29Chat.
42:30Uh, uh, uh, dear.
42:32Rat.
42:33The devil!
42:34Oh, so close!
42:36Oh!
42:37You were so close to it.
42:38What was it?
42:39I think Greg is the weak link in this.
42:42Get fucked am I!
42:44It was, of course, speak of the devil.
42:46Speak of the devil.
42:47The good news is, it's still nil-nil.
42:49You can go back to your seats.
42:50APPLAUSE
42:51Oh!
42:52Over.
42:53Go.
42:54Go.
42:55Go.
42:56Go.
42:57Go.
42:58Go on.
42:59Go on.
43:00Go on A.
43:02Wild.
43:04Ride.
43:05Go on.
43:06Go on A.
43:07Go on A.
43:09Wild.
43:11Ride.
43:12Go on a wild goose chase.
43:14Go on!
43:15Go on!
43:16Go on a wild goose chase.
43:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:20They've got one, they've got one, they've got two, they've got one!
43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:24You've got one.
43:25Ooh!
43:27Can you have the actor Santef Bhaskar with me?
43:29Nice and quiet, everyone, please.
43:34First word.
43:36A. O.
43:39Moon.
43:40O.
43:41Leg.
43:43Knee.
43:44Thigh.
43:45Limb.
43:47Oh, shirt.
43:48Blue.
43:50Ten seconds.
43:51Moon.
43:52No blue moon.
43:54Five seconds.
43:56No balloon, no blue moon, A.
43:59One.
44:00First word.
44:01What is it?
44:02One sinner blue moon.
44:04One sinner blue moon.
44:05It was once a blue moon.
44:06It's one-nil, with one round to go.
44:08Well done.
44:09That was great, Sandy.
44:10This is the last round.
44:11One-nil.
44:12So you need to build a lead here.
44:13Good luck, Greg.
44:15Good luck, mate.
44:20Cold.
44:21Cold foot.
44:22Cold shoe.
44:23Cold foot.
44:24Cold foot.
44:25Cold feet.
44:26Cold feet.
44:27Cold feet.
44:28Cold feet.
44:29Cold feet.
44:30Cold feet.
44:35Bite.
44:37Bite.
44:38Bite the bullet.
44:39Correct.
44:41Second hand.
44:42Tick.
44:43Lesson.
44:44Tick.
44:45What's the time?
44:46Time to fly.
44:47It's party time.
44:48Oh, Greg!
44:49Time flies what you're having fun.
44:50So far, 3-0 with one go to go.
44:51Ready, Greg?
44:52Yeah, I mean, yeah.
44:53Ready, Sanjay?
44:54Ready, Phil?
44:55Bite.
44:56Bite.
44:57Okay.
44:58First word.
44:59Bye.
45:00Bye.
45:01The.
45:02Don't bite the hand that feeds you, surely.
45:03Bite.
45:04Bite.
45:05OK.
45:06First word.
45:07Bye.
45:08Bye.
45:09The.
45:10Don't bite the hand that feeds you, surely.
45:12By the is...
45:13Oh!
45:14By the spider.
45:16By the spider.
45:17First word, by, by, the, don't bite the hand that feeds you, surely?
45:26By the, his, his, oh, by the spider.
45:32By the, oh, what was it, Phil?
45:36It was, it was dead easy, by the skin of your teeth.
45:42Yeah, I probably would have got that if it wasn't for this.
45:47So, add that to the final scores, come down and join me.
45:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:00Come on, mate. OK, well, scores-wise, well, it's up to you.
46:03The team of two got three right, the team of three got zero right,
46:07so how do the points work? So, five points to the team that got some right
46:10and no points to the ones who didn't get any.
46:12Well done, Maisie and Rhys, five points each!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17Ah, yeah.
46:19So, it's turned upside down, the two people at the bottom are now at the top.
46:22Maisie's in second place with 16 points, but the winner is Rhys with 17 points!
46:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:29Rhys Shearsmith has won!
46:31Please head up to secure your things with a surprise aspect of it!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39So, what have we learnt from today's show?
46:42We've learnt this.
46:43If you want to win in life, be more Sanjeev.
46:46Care less, win more.
46:49We've also learnt, don't tie your cat to a fence.
46:52Mwah!
46:53So...
46:54LAUGHTER
46:55And let's not forget, this episode's winner, Rhys Shearsmith!
46:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:00AND APPLAUSE
47:01alling
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