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#GhostsAustralia
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FunTranscript
00:00Did I say something wrong?
00:06Kate, wait, where are you going?
00:12Kate, what's going on?
00:15Nothing, just in a minute.
00:18Kate, it's me, Lindy Darwin-Paul from Wake Up Australia.
00:23In the flesh.
00:24No, no, no, no.
00:25Well, not in the flesh exactly, but hey, no, you'll remember this.
00:28Hello, exercise, bye-bye, thunder thighs, remember?
00:31Oh, babe, no, you can't walk through stuff.
00:33That's a dead person thing.
00:43Good news is, she can see us.
00:45Bad news is, she didn't recognize me.
00:47How is that bad news?
00:49How is that news?
00:50Blend it.
00:51Now we shall simply parlay with this woman on who lives where,
00:53as in we stay and she goes.
00:54Where?
00:55To one of her other properties.
00:56As an arrest, she'll have several.
00:58Guys, why are we so obsessed with making her leave?
01:00Now we can finally find out all the important stuff that's happened since we died.
01:04Like, did Freddie Mercury ever settle down with a nice girl?
01:07And is Princess Diana the queen we all knew she would be?
01:10Are Kylie and Jason still together?
01:11Oh, my God, did the Cold War ever get hot?
01:13Was Y2K a thing?
01:14Did literally everybody do the locomotion?
01:16Or just some people?
01:18Yeah.
01:19He's shamed about her out now, boss.
01:21He says the heartless brute who kicked her into a coma.
01:23Under the instruction of a complete modern head.
01:26Guys, I'm happy to be our official ghost-to-breather liaison.
01:30What gives you the authority?
01:32You're not in the clergy.
01:33Or an admiral.
01:34Or the emperor of Australia.
01:36Okay, learning moment.
01:37Um, guys, people these days respect celebrities.
01:40What's a celebrity?
01:42Someone who's been on telly.
01:43Or the internet.
01:44What's a telly?
01:45What's the internet?
01:46What's someone who's been on?
01:47Ghosts.
01:48Like, like, actual ghosts?
01:49Yeah.
01:50Let's go lie down in your bed at the hospital.
01:52I'm sure it's just the drugs coming out of my system.
01:53Well, like, concussion.
01:54But they say it's best to stay awake, so.
01:56Oh, hey, don't worry.
01:57I totally forgive you.
01:58I mean, it must be super weird seeing a ghost.
02:00Especially a famous one.
02:02You're intimidated, right?
02:04I was intimidated when I met Ralph Harris,
02:06but then he was like, wobble, wobble.
02:07And I was like, ah, he's harmless.
02:09This is a nightmare.
02:10We need to be ruthless.
02:11So red is Chuck and green is Keith.
02:13Do you mind just starting over there?
02:14I can imagine it brings up all kinds of feelings.
02:16You know, fear, gratitude, arousal.
02:19Hey, Kate, you sure you're all good?
02:21Stop worrying.
02:22I just need you to help me with this.
02:23Let's focus on the task at hand.
02:25Hey, Kate, I lost a gold nugget somewhere in the house.
02:28So, small favor, could you pull up all the floorboards?
02:32This is June.
02:33He's a miner.
02:34Oh, the digging kind.
02:35Not like a ghost kid.
02:36That would be sad.
02:37But not as sad as like a kid down the mines.
02:38Thank God those child labor days are over, right?
02:41Hey, where do they make clutes now?
02:43Kate, are you okay?
02:44Because this can wait, you know?
02:45No, I'm totes fine.
02:46We just need to not get distracted by anyone.
02:49As in by you?
02:51Yes.
02:52Yes, because there's no one else here, obviously.
02:53Oh, well, I'm here and June's here and we're all going to be best friends.
02:56Hey, should we make a blood pact?
02:58Best friends, brother.
03:00Oh, good.
03:01A corpse bride.
03:02I beg your pardon.
03:03My name is Miranda Persephone Bathsheba Munchen.
03:04But I will also respond to Miranda.
03:05You are not real.
03:06I'm hallucinating.
03:07Oh, yes.
03:08One of my old servants used to talk to herself.
03:09Idiocy, they called it.
03:10Actually, she had your hair.
03:11It's just internalized racism.
03:12I'm a writer, you see.
03:13I'm like Miles Franklin except without all that tiresome feminism.
03:15Internalized misogyny.
03:16Internalized misogyny.
03:17And you will have the honor of scribing my debut novel.
03:18Very exciting.
03:19I'll dictate and you type.
03:20Yes?
03:21You are literate, aren't you?
03:22Oi!
03:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
03:24Listen, listen.
03:25I just want to talk to you, alright?
03:26Sure, come on.
03:27I'll talk to you, alright?
03:28Sure.
03:29Come on.
03:30I'll talk to you, alright?
03:31Sure.
03:32Come on.
03:33Come on.
03:34Come on.
03:35Come on.
03:36Come on.
03:37Come on.
03:38Come on.
03:39Come on.
03:40Come on.
03:41Come on.
03:42Come on.
03:43Come on.
03:44Come on.
03:45Come on.
03:46Hey, you can't hear ya.
03:47Me and the boys soundproofed the place back in the nineties.
03:49Just so the neighbors couldn't hear the screaming.
03:51Oh.
03:52From the game nights.
03:53Karaoke, Yahtzee, murder mystery parties.
03:56Oh.
03:57And the murders.
03:58Hey, listen, listen, alright?
04:01I don't need an apology or nothing, but you overreacting and going to the hospital,
04:05that was a bit much.
04:06Get out of the way.
04:07I'm trying to tell ya, I'm not gonna hurt ya.
04:10I'm barely even here.
04:11I'm made up of like dead air and that.
04:13You could walk straight through me and you wouldn't even feel it.
04:15I walked straight into that one.
04:20Alright, we're even now, yeah?
04:25Now, you.
04:26It's Kate.
04:27Kathy?
04:28Kate.
04:29Kathy, you must understand that we mean you no harm.
04:30We simply wanted you to leave and never come back.
04:32Now, as leader...
04:33And who are you supposed to be?
04:34Captain Cook?
04:35Cook?
04:36James Cook?
04:37The only thing he cooked was his resume.
04:38Man couldn't navigate his way out of a puddle.
04:40Now, in regards to that little bump on your head, as leader of the ghosts, it is my responsibility
04:45to ensure that Satan takes full responsibility.
04:48Satan?
04:49The Prince of Darkness?
04:50No, my leather-bound first mate with the underbite and the skin of a pirate.
04:55Although his real name is Brian, but I don't believe in changing names willy-nilly, not in my New Holland.
05:01Dismissed.
05:03Am I, like, too tough?
05:05Okay.
05:06I'm too tough, hey?
05:07So she didn't recognise me.
05:08That's fine.
05:09I mean, she's only one woman, unemployed, on the verge of a mental breakdown, just at my
05:13exact target market.
05:14I mean, I could tell from her elbows that she hadn't done my workouts.
05:17But, like, what about my cookbook?
05:19And my Christmas cookbook?
05:20And my after-Christmas diet cookbook?
05:22Lynch, mate, she wasn't even born when you kicked the bucket.
05:24Buying really derailed my career, huh?
05:26But at least I reached my goal weight.
05:27I'm zero kilos.
05:28Wait.
05:29That's the tape of my show.
05:32Tape?
05:33Who tapes Bricky TV?
05:35Um, two million people tuned in to Wake Up Australia every morning.
05:39Many because of my segments, like Smoke Your Way to Skinny.
05:41We helped so many new mums.
05:43Oh, I'd murder a dud.
05:47Oh, Kate needs to see this tape.
05:49It proves my icon status.
05:51You take, you take it to, you take it to Kate, sir.
05:54Yes, let's go.
05:55Let's, let's take it to Kate.
05:56Off we go.
05:57We are taking it to Kate, aren't we?
06:02Don't worry.
06:03It's not blood.
06:04It's after birth.
06:05I pushed a baby out right there.
06:06My tenth he was, so the little bugger practically walked out.
06:07You'll be wanting at least seven if you're staffing a hotel.
06:08Twelve if they finally put in that railroad.
06:09Oh, yes, I can see you're scared.
06:10Mothering is hard.
06:11But after a few, it just gets harder.
06:16Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?
06:17Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little
06:19trotters.
06:20Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?
06:21Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little
06:22trotters.
06:23Sow her womb with the seeds of life.
06:38prayer now shall we holy father above bless kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter
06:44of little treasures sow her womb with the seeds of life
06:57hey oh nice pjs no absolutely not out huh kate your husband took something very important to
07:03me and threw it away they're not married did i ask hey mirrors don't work for us anymore
07:08am i still chinese what do i look like you're very handsome uh thank you now about my novel
07:13any other room my bedroom go look i don't know what tash has told you about me but uh my divorce
07:18isn't final yet what great you met lewis wait is there a lewis that you can see too he's hooking up
07:24the mbn oh oh hi hi lewis hi hi i'm so sorry i haven't slept very well so i'm a little bit frazzled
07:32yeah no it's all right look your tree changes are all the same you move to the country with
07:36dreams of growing your own food and making your own clothes and then you get bored then one night
07:41you drink too much and one of you say maybe we should open things up oh no no no no not what
07:45i meant you all have fantasies about the hot nbn guy okay what's happening i don't know you threw out
07:51my tape he complimented me on my pajamas i assumed that he was a man of taste yeah i am because i'm an
07:57interior designer and i'm a plumber oh and a chippy and a sparky and a landscaper and a roofer
08:03which you would know if you'd ask one single question about me before trying to get into my tool
08:07bag ah thank you but no thank you um well that's what you get for throwing out my tape because the
08:15highest rate of data has gone within a hundred kilometers lewis what is happening right now this
08:20mirror is crazy it's not a mirror you luddite it's a time machine like the time machine from the
08:25novel the time machine they're all back to the future you can't go back to the future why not
08:30maybe if you don't understand the genre you shouldn't participate in the conversation yeah
08:33you're not smiling because you read a book it's called a novel kate i understand if you have to
08:37ignore me in front of the general public my last boyfriend did the same but now the general public
08:41is gone so i wondered if we could be best friends already coffee take me back to hospital
08:46good plan everyone wants a famous friend don't they stop touching the time machine don't you kate
08:53we'll talk to a doctor i'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time what people are just
08:57suddenly hounded by needy ghosts what if the doctor fixes her brain and then she can't see us anymore
09:02well then we'll unfix her brain how i'll get satan to push her over as many times as necessary aren't you
09:07guys excited to like meet somebody new that girline isn't gonna be your friend she's young and alive
09:15you're old and dead now the key would be to run at it i mean i never get to have any female friends
09:20because they're always so jealous of me because of the way what are you doing i'm going back to
09:23the past to tell my past self not to lose my gold but why are you walking backwards because i go back
09:29to the past no you go back to the future ah satan we have been over this i got two callbacks for
09:35young talent time i was nominated for best new talent please calm yourself lindy here i go back to the
09:44gold mine bye everyone on the cover of tv with magazine careful now look what you've done june
09:50could be lost in the past forever i'm sorry june you're the past mate i'm in some kind of teacup
09:58bowl cave yeah i'm 90 sure he's in the kitchen
10:05okay okay i'm sure it's just concussion or maybe the stress of living with my boyfriend for the first
10:11time or sudden home ownership um but i'm seeing people from different time periods and um they
10:16want things from me all the time all day now there's no need to get hysterical excuse me it seems the
10:23accident brought you so close to death that you gained the ability to see dead people oh well that's
10:28like an actual diagnosable like a medical condition listen sweetheart like i told my wife
10:33you need to calm down and listen while a man is talking
10:42sorry to keep you i'm dr green don't worry she's good for a woman so what seems to be a problem
10:51in terms of your ct scan everything looks fine sorry you did
10:56move move move those boxes from the pelvis just like elvis come on big boy you can do it
11:05fire tape why do you want this tape so bad because if i wasn't famous then who am i
11:12i just feel like i don't have any friends in the house you know mom and i were so close we shared
11:18everything dreams clothes men what with eileen there's a generation gap i mean there's like 10
11:25gaps and with miranda she has how do i say this stick up her eyes no that's mean although maybe that
11:31would be helpful but she has terrible posture i don't know maybe i'm just not best friend material
11:39what are you talking about you're fit pretty hot yeah and those are really important best friend
11:45qualities but i just feel like maybe i wasn't important to anyone you know i wasn't a third
11:51commander like gideon or a wife or a mom yet you weren't a mom yet satan with the amount of chardonnay
12:02i had for breakfast i was never gonna be a mom drunk people have kids all the time look at eileen she's
12:06got like 30 of them i just mean like i feel like i don't have a best friend that i can talk to in the
12:11house and forever feels like a really long time to not have a best friend
12:28i mean you could talk to me lindy where mates satan everyone knows that men and women can't be
12:34friends someone always falls in love eventually yeah yeah eventually
12:41it's a universal fact like how women can't drive and men shouldn't be left alone with children
12:47oh i don't know that that's a bit harsh don't you think some women can drive yeah legally yeah
13:04oh hey how'd you go you cured
13:18can we get out of here yeah yeah come on let's go hey what happened
13:24okay
13:47okay so dead people everywhere yep with horrific injuries
13:53what kate that's awful are they like evil well one of the ones in there is literally
14:00captain cook's frenemy so is there any mob like like can you see any ancestors no i can't oh what
14:08what it's the hot chinese minor okay you didn't mention he was hot yeah well he's also a pantless
14:14what and he's oh yep he's right up in my face can you come fix the time machine i just ended up in the
14:19kitchen um can't they just walk through windows yeah i don't know why i did that sean what are we
14:26gonna do okay you know what we just we just leave the house yeah and we'll deal with all that horrible
14:32loan stuff later no this is my house sean i'm not leaving so they have to yeah yeah yeah yeah oh you know
14:47what why don't we call your mom and we can do like a smoking ceremony like she found uncle tony last
14:52year and she can just smoke out the bad spirits and now that i'm looking at you maybe not no no i don't
15:00want to get mom involved sean also i'm not from here so it's really not our place valuable teaching moment
15:05but they don't know that
15:12okay i am giving you one hour to vacate the premises or i'm smoking you out mob rules
15:21why are you laughing surely and that isn't how it works mother said ladies who smoke in public
15:26strumpets are you kidding smoking looks cool it burns calories it helps you breathe shorter it's like the
15:31only thing in life without a downside i'm not smoking ciggies i'm gonna smoke you out of
15:35i wish you would stop talking about smoking that was awesome if it was that easy i would have been
15:42sucked off after the fire of 1895. wait suck sucked off did the pantless guy say that it's the process
15:49of ascending from this mortal realm to whatever lies above or below egypt that's going down going down was
15:57this place a brothel no i for a short time it was yes i am so in the dark bit of ghost logic kate you
16:04stay where you die and how you die oh yes i can see that it was a misunderstanding hang on so you are
16:10all stuck here do you think i would go have a date with these people otherwise stuck is a negative term
16:15i'm honored to stand guard over my land always was always will be that's why you'll always be a human
16:22kebab oh i'd murder a kebab sorry the electricity fritzes whenever i get upset or excited or horny that
16:30still happens yeah i still get stiffies speak for yourselves my curtains are practically canvas they
16:37repel all water what like a dry as a bone hey as a bone dry as a bone what's happening is it working yeah
16:47fixing the fuse box is a little tricky the key is actually just remembering the order which is
16:53easy because i've made it a dance okay so it's yo knob red knob wiggle wiggle boom boom turn around
17:00underground lights are down oh that's nonsense oh they're just convict spiders for some reason they
17:09prefer it down here don't ask why not um oh because i don't know sorry i thought that was obvious the
17:15the dart reminds us of the ship such a magical time i thought the conditions were awful you've been
17:19talking to gideon he was third fleet he would say that fake news first break rules first break rules
17:30hurry up hurry up the spiders are sensing my fear okay so follow me so i want to go yellow knob red knob
17:38yellow knob red knob and then wiggle wiggle is that necessary well your uncle once sat in the dark
17:44for a month because he didn't wiggle okay um wiggle boom boom boom turn around that one yes underground
17:58it's lindy right yes um but you can just call me this is my new best friend lindy
18:16what are you all right yes good i just i thought i feel so happy that i could die
18:28again problem was he wasn't going fast enough that's what i said that's why he ended up in
18:32the kitchen not the past don't listen 88 miles an hour all right who wants to watch a bit of wake up
18:37australia where's your telly what do you think that is well it's certainly not a time machine i told you
18:42that time machines have got cars sit down welcome to pump and dump mummy just because you're stuck in
18:50the house doesn't mean you can't work out oh my god it's actually you whoa you look great you're
18:57welcome grab anything heavy your man's tinnies will do just fine oh oh i know her my mum had all her
19:03videos used to watch them all the time when my parents went to bed and oh my god she's in the room isn't
19:07she there you go and do you were famous for self-polluting young men i know and it's all i ever
19:14wanted until now now i want friendship as well hey babe can you can you tell her i was joking i was
19:19joking i was joking obviously it's so fine well don't worry you just made her afterlife we both did
19:24okay and remember if you're hungry no you're not i actually thought it would get her sucked off but
19:38no i will need an explanation for that at some point we're marching like we're in the army just kidding
19:46we're girls we can't join pick up your knees cheree i saw you have that cheesecake at lunch
19:56and what what happened what happened uncle alfred taped over you sorry no please that's all right
20:03linds we'll watch a family movie instead yeah something like scarface wait wait i want to see
20:07what happens my goodness that looks exactly like daddy's prize merino prince william bunty mcdangaloo
20:14no no no no change it is there anything on colonization what's that say colonoscopy
20:20oh that'll be right up your alley this is nice isn't it
20:36sorry stage fright no they're not here we're alone promise
20:44hey so kate i want to know all about your first patch mine was with my cousin leslie that's gross
20:58can you please get out no it wasn't as bad as you think we've known each other our whole lives so out
21:02at least my flatmates had boundaries i have boundaries i just want to know how flexible kate is
21:07out okay i can't go it's our first sleepover sleepover club
21:12so
21:14so
21:22so
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