- 8 hours ago
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00:00Did I say something wrong?
00:06Kate, hey, where are you going?
00:12Kate, what's going on?
00:15Nothing, just in a minute.
00:18Kate, it's me, Lindy Darwin-Paul from Wake Up Australia.
00:23In the flesh.
00:24No, no, no, no.
00:25Well, not in the flesh exactly, but hey, no, you'll remember this.
00:28Hello, exercise, bye-bye, thunder-bye.
00:31Remember?
00:32Oh, babe, no, you can't walk through stuff.
00:33That's a dead person thing.
00:43Good news is, she can see us.
00:45Bad news is, she didn't recognise me.
00:47How is that bad news?
00:49How is that news?
00:50Splendid.
00:51Now we shall simply parlay with this woman on who lives where,
00:53as in we stay and she goes.
00:54Where?
00:55To one of her other properties.
00:56As in our ass, she'll have several.
00:58Guys, why are we so obsessed with making her leave?
01:00Now we can finally find out all the important stuff that's happened since we died.
01:04Like, did Freddie Mercury ever settle down with a nice girl?
01:07And is Princess Diana the Queen we all knew she would be?
01:10Are Kylie and Jason still together?
01:11Oh my God, did the Cold War ever get hot?
01:13Was Y2K a thing?
01:14Did literally everybody do the locomotion?
01:16Or just some people?
01:18Yeah.
01:19Be ashamed to burn her out now, boss.
01:21Says the heartless brute who kicked her into a coma.
01:23Under the instruction of a complete mottling head.
01:26Guys, I'm happy to be our official ghost-to-breather liaison.
01:30What gives you the authority?
01:32You're not in the clergy.
01:33Or an admiral.
01:34Or the emperor of Australia.
01:36Okay, learning moment.
01:37Um, guys, people these days respect celebrities.
01:40What's a celebrity?
01:42Someone who's been on telly.
01:43Or the internet.
01:44What's a telly?
01:45What's the internet?
01:46What's someone who's been on?
01:47Ghosts.
01:48Like, like actual ghosts?
01:49Yeah.
01:50Let's go lie down in your bed at the hospital.
01:52I'm sure it's just the drugs coming out of my system.
01:53Well, like concussion, but they say it's best to stay awake, so.
01:55Oh, hey, don't worry.
01:57I totally forgive you.
01:58I mean, it must be super weird seeing a ghost, especially a famous one.
02:02You're intimidated, right?
02:04I was intimidated when I met Ralph Harris, but then he was like,
02:06wobble, wobble, and I was like, ah, he's harmless.
02:09This is a nightmare.
02:10We need to be ruthless.
02:11So red is Chuck and green is Keith.
02:13Do you mind just starting over there?
02:14I can imagine it brings up all kinds of feelings.
02:16You know, fear, gratitude, arousal.
02:19Hey, Kate, you sure you're all good?
02:21Stop worrying.
02:22I just need you to help me with this.
02:23Let's focus on the task at hand.
02:25Hey, Kate, I lost a gold nugget somewhere in the house.
02:28So, small favour, could you pull up all the floorboards?
02:32This is June.
02:33He's a miner.
02:34Oh, the digging kind.
02:35Not like a ghost kid.
02:36That would be sad, but not as sad as like a kid down the mines.
02:38Thank God those child labour days are over, right?
02:41Hey, where do they make clothes now?
02:43Kate, are you okay?
02:44Because this can wait, you know?
02:45No, I'm totes fine.
02:46We just need to not get distracted by anyone.
02:49As in by you?
02:51Yes.
02:52Yes, because there's no one else here, obviously.
02:53Well, I'm here and June's here and we're all going to be best friends.
02:56Hey, should we make a blood pact?
02:58Best friends, forever.
03:00Oh, good.
03:01A corpse bride.
03:02I beg your pardon.
03:03My name is Miranda Persephone Bathsheba Munchen, but I will also respond to Miranda.
03:07You are not real.
03:08I am hallucinating.
03:09Oh, yes.
03:10One of my old servants used to talk to herself.
03:11Idiocy, they called it.
03:12Actually, she had your hair.
03:13It's just internalised racism.
03:14I'm a writer, you see.
03:15I'm like Miles Franklin, except without all that tiresome feminism.
03:17Internalised misogyny.
03:18And you will have the honour of scribbing my debut novel, very exciting.
03:21I'll dictate and you type.
03:22Yes?
03:23You are literate, aren't you?
03:24Oi!
03:25Hey!
03:26Hey, come on!
03:27Hey, come on!
03:28Hey!
03:29Hey, come on!
03:30Hey!
03:31Hey!
03:32Hey, come on!
03:33Hey!
03:34Hey!
03:35Hey!
03:36Hey!
03:37Hey!
03:38Hey!
03:39Hey!
03:40Hey!
03:41Hey!
03:42Hey!
03:43Hey!
03:44Listen, listen!
03:45Just wanna talk to you, alright?
03:46John!
03:47Hey, can't hear ya!
03:48Me and the boys soundproofed the place back in the 90s.
03:49Just so the neighbours couldn't hear the screaming.
03:51Oh!
03:52From the game nights.
03:53Karaoke, Yahtzee, murder mystery parties.
03:56Oh.
03:57And the murders.
03:58Hey, listen, listen, alright?
04:01I don't need an apology or nothing, but you overreacting and going to the hospital,
04:05that was a bit much.
04:06Get out of the way!
04:07I'm trying to tell ya, I'm not gonna hurt ya!
04:10I'm barely even here.
04:11I'm made up of like, dead air and that.
04:13You could walk straight through me and you wouldn't even feel it.
04:16I walked straight into that one.
04:20Alright, we're even now, yeah?
04:25Now, you.
04:26It's Kate.
04:27Kathy?
04:28Kate!
04:29Kathy, you must understand that we mean you no harm.
04:30We simply wanted you to leave and never come back.
04:32Now, as lead-
04:33And who are you supposed to be?
04:34Captain Cook?
04:35Cook?
04:36James Cook?
04:37The only thing he cooked was his resume.
04:38Man couldn't navigate his way out of a puddle.
04:40Now, in regards to that little bump on your head, as leader of the ghosts, it is my responsibility
04:45to ensure that Satan takes full responsibility.
04:48Satan.
04:49The Prince of Darkness.
04:50No, my leather-bound first mate with the underbite in the skin of a pirate.
04:55Although his real name is Brian, but I don't believe in changing names willy-nilly.
04:58Not in my New Holland.
05:00Dismissed.
05:03Am I, like, too tough?
05:05Okay.
05:06I'm too tough, hey?
05:07So she didn't recognise me.
05:08That's fine.
05:09I mean, she's only one woman, unemployed, on the verge of a mental breakdown, just at
05:13my exact target market.
05:15I mean, I could tell from her elbows that she hadn't done my workouts, but like, what
05:18about my cookbook?
05:19And my Christmas cookbook?
05:20And my after-Christmas diet cookbook?
05:22Lynch, mate.
05:23She wasn't even born when you kicked the bucket.
05:24Dying really derailed my career, huh?
05:26But at least I reached my goal weight.
05:28I'm zero kilos.
05:31Wait.
05:32What's the tape of my show?
05:33Tape?
05:34Pfff.
05:35Who tapes Bricky TV?
05:36Um, two million people tuned in to Wake Up Australia every morning.
05:39Many because of my segments, like Smoke Your Way to Skinny.
05:41We helped so many new mums.
05:43Oh, I'd murder a dud.
05:47Oh, Kate needs to see this tape.
05:50It proves my icon status.
05:51You take, you take it to, you take it to Kate, sir.
05:54Yes, let's go.
05:55Let's, let's take it to Kate.
05:56Off we go.
05:57We are taking it to Kate, aren't we?
06:02Don't worry.
06:03It's not blood.
06:04It's after birth.
06:05I pushed the baby out right there.
06:06Me tent there was so little bugger practically walked out.
06:07You'll be wanting at least seven if you're staffing a hotel.
06:08Twelve if they finally put in that railroad.
06:09Oh yes, I can see you're scared.
06:10Mothering is hard.
06:11But after a few, it just gets harder.
06:16Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?
06:17Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little
06:21tratters.
06:22Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?
06:23Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little
06:28tratters.
06:29Sow her womb with the seeds of life.
06:30Holy Father above, bless Kate and her eejit of a husband with a pitter-patter of little
06:44tratters.
06:45Sow her womb with the seeds of life.
06:48Hey, nice PJs.
06:59No, absolutely not.
07:00Out.
07:01Huh?
07:02Kate, your husband took something very important to me and threw it away.
07:04You're not married.
07:05Did I ask?
07:06Kate, mirrors don't work for us anymore.
07:08Am I still Chinese?
07:09What do I look like?
07:10You're very handsome.
07:11Uh, thank you.
07:12Now about my novel.
07:13Any other room.
07:14My bedroom.
07:15Go.
07:16Tash has told you about me, but my divorce isn't final yet.
07:19What?
07:20Great, you met Lewis.
07:21Wait, is there a Lewis that you can see too?
07:24He's hooking up the NBN.
07:26Oh.
07:27Oh, hi.
07:28Hi Lewis.
07:29Hi.
07:30Hi.
07:31I'm so sorry.
07:32I haven't slept very well, so I'm a little bit frazzled.
07:33Yeah, nah, it's alright.
07:34Look, your two changes are all the same.
07:36You move to the country with dreams of growing your own food and making your own clothes,
07:39and then you get bored.
07:40Then one night, you drink too much, and one of you say, maybe we should open things up.
07:44Ooh.
07:45No, no, no.
07:46Not what I meant.
07:47Nah, I get it.
07:48You all have fantasies about the hot NBN guy.
07:49God, what's happening?
07:50I don't know.
07:51You threw out my tape!
07:52He complimented me on my pyjamas.
07:53I assumed that he was a-
07:54A man of taste.
07:55Yeah.
07:56I am.
07:57Because I'm an interior designer.
07:58Oh.
07:59And I'm a plumber.
08:00Oh.
08:01And a chippy, and a sparky, and a landscaper, and a roofer.
08:03Which you would know if you'd ask one single question about me before trying to get
08:07into my tool bag.
08:08Ah.
08:10But no thank you.
08:12Um.
08:13Well, that's what you get for throwing out my tape.
08:15Because the highest rate of data is going even a hundred kilometers.
08:18Lewis.
08:19What is happening right now?
08:20This mirror is crazy.
08:22It's not a mirror, you luddite.
08:23It's a time machine.
08:24Like the time machine from the novel.
08:26The time machine.
08:27They're all back to the future.
08:28You can't go back to the future.
08:29Why not?
08:30Maybe if you don't understand the genre, you shouldn't participate in the conversation.
08:33Yes?
08:34Mate, you're not smiling at me because you read a book.
08:35It's called a novel.
08:36Kate, I understand.
08:37If you have to ignore me in front of the general public, my last boyfriend did the same.
08:40But now the general public is gone, so I wondered if we could be best friends already.
08:44Coffee?
08:45Take me back to hospital.
08:46Good plan.
08:47Everyone wants a famous friend, don't they?
08:48Stop touching the time machine.
08:49Don't you?
08:50Kate?
08:53We'll talk to a doctor.
08:54I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time.
08:57What?
08:58People are just suddenly hounded by needy ghosts?
08:59What if the doctor fixes her brain and then she can't see us anymore?
09:02Well, then we'll unfix her brain.
09:04How?
09:05I'll get Satan to push her over as many times as necessary.
09:07Aren't you guys excited to, like, meet somebody new?
09:11That girline isn't gonna be your friend.
09:13She's young and alive.
09:15You're old and dead.
09:16Now the key will be to run at it at speed.
09:18I mean, I never get to have any female friends because they're always so jealous of me because of the way that I...
09:22What are you doing?
09:23I'm going back to the past to tell my past self not to lose my gold.
09:25But why are you walking backwards?
09:27Because I go back to the past.
09:29No, you go back to the future.
09:31Ah!
09:32Satan!
09:33We have been over this.
09:34Huh?
09:35I got two callbacks for young talent time.
09:36I was nominated for best new talent.
09:38Please calm yourself.
09:40I'm trying to house my candlelight.
09:42Lindy, here I go.
09:43The electricity!
09:44Back to the goldmine.
09:45Bye everyone!
09:46I'm on the cover of TV Week magazine!
09:48Careful!
09:49Now look what you've done.
09:50June could be lost in the past forever.
09:52I'm sorry.
09:53June!
09:54You in the past, mate?
09:56I'm in some kind of teacup bowl cave.
09:59Yeah, I'm 90% sure he's in the kitchen.
10:02Okay?
10:03I'm sure it's just concussion or maybe the stress of living with my boyfriend for the first time or sudden home ownership.
10:11But I'm seeing people from different time periods and they want things from me all the time, all day.
10:18Now, there's no need to get hysterical.
10:20Excuse me?
10:21It seems the accident brought you so close to death that you gained the ability to see dead people.
10:27Oh!
10:28So that's like an actual diagnosable, like a medical condition.
10:31Listen, sweetheart.
10:32Like I told my wife, you need to calm down and listen while a man is talking.
10:42Sorry to keep you.
10:44I'm Dr Green.
10:45Don't worry.
10:46She's good.
10:47For a woman.
10:48So, what seems to be a problem?
10:50In terms of your CT scan, everything looks fine.
10:55Sorry, you did.
10:57Move!
10:58Move!
10:59Move those boxes!
11:00Keep it from the pelvis, just like Elvis!
11:03Come on, big boy!
11:04You can do it!
11:05Fire tape!
11:06Why do you want this tape so bad?
11:08Because if I wasn't famous, then who am I?
11:11I just feel like I don't have any friends in the house.
11:16You know, Mum and I were so close, we shared everything.
11:19Dreams, clothes, men.
11:21What?
11:22With Eileen, there's a generation gap.
11:24I mean, there's like 10 gaps.
11:25And with Miranda, she has...
11:27Can I say this?
11:28Stick up her eyes.
11:29No, that's mean.
11:30Although maybe that would be helpful, but she has terrible posture.
11:33I don't know.
11:34Maybe I'm just not best friend material.
11:38What are you talking about?
11:41You're fit.
11:42Pretty hot.
11:43Yeah.
11:44And those are really important best friend qualities.
11:46But I just feel like maybe I wasn't important to anyone.
11:51You know, I wasn't a third commander like Gideon or a wife or a mum.
11:56Yet.
11:57You weren't a mum yet.
12:00Satan, with the amount of Chardonnay I had for breakfast, I was never going to be a mum.
12:04Drunk people have kids all the time.
12:06Look at Eileen.
12:07She's got like 30 of them.
12:08I just mean, like, I feel like I don't have a best friend that I can talk to in the house.
12:13And forever feels like a really long time to not have a best friend.
12:18Um.
12:28I mean, you can talk to me, Lindy.
12:29We're mates.
12:31Satan.
12:32Everyone knows that men and women can't be friends.
12:35Someone always falls in love eventually.
12:37Yeah, yeah.
12:38Yeah, eventually.
12:42It's a universal fact.
12:43Like, how women can't drive and men shouldn't be left alone with children.
12:46Oh, I don't know.
12:50That's a bit harsh, don't you think?
12:52Some women can drive.
12:54Yeah, legally.
12:55Yeah.
12:56Yeah.
12:57Yeah.
13:06Oh, hey.
13:07How'd you go?
13:08You cured?
13:09Yeah.
13:10I'm pregnant!
13:11Hey!
13:12Hey!
13:17Can we get out of here?
13:18Yeah.
13:19Yeah.
13:20Come on.
13:21Let's go.
13:22Hey.
13:23What happened?
13:24What happened?
13:33More pills!
13:34Do you have any pills?
13:35I know!
13:36Stop!
13:37Oh!
13:38Oh!
13:48Okay, so...
13:50Dead people everywhere.
13:51Yep.
13:52With horrific injuries.
13:54What, Kate?
13:55That's awful.
13:56Are they, like...
13:58Evil?
13:59Well, one of the ones in there is literally Captain Cook's frenemy, so...
14:02Oh.
14:03Is there any mob?
14:04Like, like...
14:05Can you see any ancestors?
14:06No.
14:07I can't.
14:08Oh!
14:09What?
14:10What?
14:11It's the hot Chinese minor.
14:12Okay, you didn't mention he was hot.
14:13Yeah, well, he's also a pantless.
14:14What?
14:15And he's...
14:16Ooh!
14:17Yep, he's right up in my face.
14:18Can you come fix the time machine?
14:19I just ended up in the kitchen.
14:21Um...
14:22Can't they just walk through windows?
14:23Yeah, I don't know why I did that.
14:26Sean, what are we gonna do?
14:28Okay.
14:29You know what?
14:30We just...
14:31We just leave the house, yeah?
14:32All that horrible loan stuff later.
14:39No.
14:40This is my house, Sean.
14:42I'm not leaving.
14:43So they have to.
14:45Yeah.
14:46Yeah.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Oh, you know what?
14:49Why don't we call your mum and we can do, like, a smoking ceremony like she did for Uncle Tony last year
14:53You can just smoke out the bad spirits and now that I'm looking at you, maybe not.
14:58No.
14:59No.
15:00I don't want to get mum involved, Sean.
15:02Also, I'm not from here, so it's really not our place.
15:04Valuable teaching moment.
15:06But they don't know that.
15:12Okay, I am giving you one hour to vacate the premises or I'm smoking you out.
15:16Mob rules.
15:21Why are you laughing?
15:22What are you laughing?
15:23Surely, that isn't how it works.
15:24Mother said ladies who smoke in public are strumpets.
15:26Are you kidding?
15:27Smoking looks cool.
15:28It burns calories.
15:29It helps you breathe shorter.
15:31It's like the only thing in life without a downside.
15:33I'm not smoking ciggies.
15:34I'm gonna smoke you out of here.
15:35I wish you would stop talking about smoking.
15:40That was awesome.
15:41If it was that easy, I would have been sucked off after the fire of 1895.
15:45Wait, suck, sucked off?
15:47Did the pantless guy say that?
15:48It's the process of ascending from this mortal realm to whatever lies above or below.
15:53Egypt.
15:54That's going down.
15:56Going down.
15:57Was this place a brothel?
15:58No.
15:59Aye, for a short time it was.
16:00Yes.
16:01I am so in the dark.
16:02Bit of ghost logic, Kate.
16:03You stay where you die.
16:04And how you die.
16:06Oh yes, I can see that.
16:07It was a misunderstanding.
16:08Hang on.
16:09So you are all stuck here?
16:11Do you think I would go have a date with these people otherwise?
16:14Stuck is a negative term.
16:16I'm honoured to stand guard over my land.
16:18Always was.
16:19Always will be.
16:20That's why you'll always be a human kebab.
16:22Oh, I'd murder a kebab.
16:24Sorry!
16:25The electricity fritzes whenever I get upset.
16:28Or excited.
16:29Or horny.
16:30That still happens.
16:31Yeah, I still get stiffies.
16:32Everyone's saying it's half mass right now.
16:33Speak for yourselves.
16:35My curtains are practically canvas.
16:37They repel all water.
16:39What, like a dry as a bone?
16:40Aye, as a bone.
16:42Dry as a bone.
16:45What's happening?
16:46Is it working?
16:47Yeah.
16:48Fixing the fuse box is a little tricky.
16:51The key is actually just remembering the order, which is easy because I've made it a dance.
16:55Okay, so it's yellow knob, red knob, wiggle wiggle, boom, boom, turn around, underground, lights are down.
17:02Oh, that's nonsense.
17:03Oh, they're just convex spiders.
17:07For some reason they prefer it down here.
17:10Don't ask.
17:11Why not?
17:12Oh, because I don't know.
17:13Sorry, I thought that was obvious.
17:15The dart reminds us of the shit.
17:16Such a magical time.
17:17I thought the conditions were awful.
17:19You've been talking to Gideon.
17:20He was third fleet.
17:21He would say that.
17:22Fake news!
17:23First fleet rules!
17:24First fleet rules!
17:25First fleet rules!
17:26First fleet rules!
17:27First fleet rules!
17:28First fleet rules!
17:29First fleet rules!
17:30Hey, hurry up, hurry up.
17:31The spiders are sensing my fear.
17:33Okay, so follow me.
17:34So, I want to go.
17:36Yellow knob, red knob.
17:38Yellow knob, red knob.
17:40And then wiggle, wiggle.
17:42Is that necessary?
17:43Well, your uncle once sat in the dark for a month because he didn't wiggle.
17:46Okay, um, wiggle.
17:49Boom, boom.
17:51Boom, boom.
17:52Boom, boom.
17:53Turn around.
17:54Turn around.
17:55That one.
17:56Yes.
17:57Underground.
17:58That's it.
17:59Underground.
18:00And there you have it.
18:02Nice!
18:03Turn it off!
18:06Turn it off!
18:07Turn it off!
18:08Turn it off!
18:09How'd you do that?
18:10It's Lindy, right?
18:11Yes.
18:12Um.
18:13But you can just call me, this is my new best friend, Lindy.
18:17What?
18:18Mm.
18:19Mm.
18:20Mm.
18:21Mm.
18:22Mm.
18:23Yes.
18:24Good.
18:25I just, I felt so happy that I could die.
18:27Mm.
18:28Mm.
18:29Again.
18:30Problem was he wasn't going fast enough.
18:31That's what I said.
18:32That's why he ended up in the kitchen, not the past.
18:33Don't listen to me.
18:3488 miles an hour ago.
18:35All right.
18:36Who wants to watch a bit of Wake Up Australia?
18:38Where's your telly?
18:39What do you think that is?
18:40Well, it's certainly not a time machine.
18:42I told you that.
18:43Time machines look like cars.
18:44Sit down.
18:45Okay.
18:46Welcome to Pump and Dump, Mummies.
18:49Just because you're stuck in the house doesn't mean you can't work out.
18:52Oh my God, it's actually you.
18:55Whoa.
18:56You look great.
18:57You're welcome.
18:58Grab anything heavy.
18:59Your man's tinnies will do just fine.
19:01Oh.
19:02Oh, I know her.
19:03My mum had all her videos.
19:04I used to watch them all the time when my parents went to bed.
19:06And oh my God, she's in the room, isn't she?
19:09There you go, indeed.
19:10You are famous.
19:11The self-polluting young man.
19:12I know.
19:13And it's all I ever wanted.
19:15Until now.
19:16Now I want friendship as well.
19:17Hey babe, can you tell her I was joking?
19:19I was joking.
19:20I was joking, obviously.
19:21It's so fine.
19:22Well, don't worry.
19:23You just made her afterlife.
19:24We both did.
19:25And pass it to your husband.
19:26Get that beer out of the esky.
19:28Yes.
19:29And pass it to your bloke.
19:30Okay.
19:31And remember, if you're hungry, no you're not.
19:35I actually thought it would get her sucked off.
19:38No.
19:39I will need an explanation for that at some point.
19:42We'll do it now.
19:43We're marching.
19:44Like we're in the army.
19:45Just kidding.
19:46We're girls.
19:47We can't join.
19:48Pick up your knees, Cherie.
19:49I saw you have that cheesecake at lunch.
19:55Oh.
19:56And what happened?
19:57What happened?
19:58Oh.
19:59Uncle Alfred taped over you, sorry.
20:01No, please.
20:02It's all good.
20:03We'll watch a family movie instead, yeah?
20:05Something like Scarface.
20:06Wait, wait, wait.
20:07I want to see what happens.
20:08My goodness.
20:09That looks exactly like Daddy's Prize Marino.
20:12Prince William Bunty McDingling.
20:14No, no, no.
20:15Change it.
20:16Is there anything on colonisation?
20:18What's that say?
20:19Colonoscopy.
20:20Oh, that'll be right up your alley.
20:21This is nice, isn't it?
20:26Ha!
20:33Mm-mm.
20:35What?
20:36Sorry.
20:37Stage fright.
20:39No, they're not here.
20:41We're alone.
20:42Promise?
20:47Promise.
20:48Mm.
20:50Hey, so Kate, I want to know all about your first break.
20:55about your first pash mine was with my cousin leslie that's gross can you please get out no
20:59it wasn't as bad as you think we'd known each other our whole lives so out at least my flatmates
21:03had boundaries i have boundaries i just want to know how flexible kate is out okay i can't go it's
21:08our first sleepover sleepover club sleepover club
21:25so
21:43so
21:55Transcription by CastingWords
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