Ghosts Australia Season 01 Episode 04

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Transcript

00:00Today on Culture Club, the Mutiny on the Bounty, part 7.

00:13Captain Bly and most of the Loyalists, including myself, were forced onto a small rowboat.

00:18Then, the treacherous mutineers sailed back to a tropical island full of semi-naked women,

00:24for no fathomable reason.

00:25As midshipmen, I gathered a handful of young, girthy privates,

00:31and I assigned them to scrub the excrement.

00:34Scrub harder, private!

00:39Captain, there is no more pivotal moment in Australian history than the Mutiny on the Bounty.

00:43Apart from everything before that and everything after that.

00:47It says Mum, and there's a photo of you being suffocated by a woman with her arms.

00:50That's called a hug, Miranda.

00:52You know they named Choccy Bar after the bounty?

00:54Did they? Is it?

00:55Good?

00:56Yeah.

00:56Got a bunch of missed calls from Mel.

00:58Yes, so do I, but I can't deal with Mum today.

01:01Oh, Catherine, how envious everyone is of your ears to hear this story for the first time.

01:07The first time of many.

01:09Kate!

01:10Sean!

01:11I know you're in there!

01:16Boo!

01:16Mum!

01:17Wow, what a nice surprise!

01:18What are you doing here?

01:19Well, what do you expect?

01:20You don't answer my calls or texts.

01:23But thank the ancestors.

01:24Sean left his find my phone on.

01:26Hi, Sean.

01:27Hi, Mel.

01:31Oh, wow.

01:31Look at this.

01:33Oh.

01:34Feel that?

01:36You smoked the place yet?

01:37Yes.

01:38Of course, Mum.

01:38Yeah, we did.

01:39Red river gum, red box, or narrow-leaved peppermint?

01:42Yeah.

01:43Yeah.

01:43All good.

01:44Yeah.

01:45Oh, you make me so proud.

01:49How many people you reckon might have died here, then?

01:52None.

01:52A few?

01:53A few.

01:53A few, I guess.

01:54Yeah.

01:54Well, 29, technically.

01:56Although 17 have been sucked off.

01:58Oh.

02:09It wasn't Dad, actually.

02:10It was Great Uncle Alan.

02:11Alfred.

02:12Bloody dog your father was.

02:14Left me nothing but cold sores.

02:16Cold sores and me?

02:17Of course, Katie Koala Cockabong.

02:19Come here and let me bust you up, my darling.

02:21Oh.

02:22Excuse me, Kate.

02:23Take a seat, Mum.

02:24I have old sores, too.

02:26We know.

02:27Oh, sorry we missed your call, Mel.

02:29We've been busy with the runnors.

02:30I can see that.

02:32Real busy.

02:33With a sledgehammer.

02:34Who wants a cuppa?

02:35As long as it's bushels.

02:36And don't low-tide me.

02:38As if I've ever low-tied it anyway.

02:39What do you think that is?

02:40Sorry, sorry.

02:42Um, big cups.

02:43Sorry.

02:44I'll just, um...

02:45You'll never be making me a cuppa.

02:49That's because you're dead.

02:50You can't even drink.

02:51Oh, nice to be offered.

02:53Okay.

02:55What's taking so long?

02:57Your mother is able-bodied.

02:58Have her hand out refreshments.

03:00I haven't finished telling you my story about the bounty.

03:03Uh, sorry, Mum.

03:03I'm just going to take care of something.

03:05I'll just be one second.

03:06Sean, can you just do this?

03:07But thank you.

03:08I'll just be one second.

03:09Out of here.

03:10Splendid.

03:10Now, you'll be interested to know that Bly, the famed navigator, turns to me constantly,

03:14four sisters.

03:15How many tea bags, Mel?

03:16One or, what, two?

03:23After that drive, it's five.

03:25Yeah?

03:26I hope that poop hole's been clean.

03:28I gave it a good wipe, so I did.

03:30Okay, listen up, everyone.

03:32For the ongoing adventures of the bounty.

03:34Satan, hit the deck.

03:35Yep.

03:36No, not that.

03:37For this weekend only, you can watch TV for as long as you'd like.

03:41Binge your dead little hearts out.

03:43Come on.

03:44Just please, please, do not bother me around my mum.

03:47Yeah?

03:48Because if she finds out there's spirits here, she'll assume that you're evil.

03:50How am I evil?

03:51I'm closing the gap in your cultural education.

03:54And that, everybody, is why here's a martini, Olive.

03:57Anyway, back to the point.

03:58She will make me move home, which means that you will all go back to being eternally bored.

04:07Thank you, Eileen.

04:09Okay.

04:09Satan?

04:11You're in charge, Private.

04:13No, I don't want to be in charge.

04:22Okay.

04:27We could watch Two Hands, a rubber stomper, or...

04:31What's that there with a haggard mammy and wee ones and bucksers?

04:34Octomum, me and my 14 kids.

04:36That sounds dramatic.

04:37But that's me.

04:39I'm an octomum.

04:40Finally, the Holy Father's throw me a bone.

04:42Quiet!

04:43Push the button for octomum.

04:46Octomum, no.

04:47Maybe we could watch something a bit more fun for everyone.

04:49Grease!

04:50No, no, no.

04:50Grease, too.

04:51No.

04:52Grease.

04:52A pen.

04:53John?

04:54Good, Private.

04:56Now, go to documentary.

04:58Yes, boss.

05:00Documentary.

05:01There, the paths of Bath.

05:02A glorious meander down the laneways of my hometown.

05:10There we go.

05:14The cobblestone paths of Bath evoked...

05:17I hate it.

05:18Is it all paths?

05:20Kill me, no.

05:22Beautiful cobblestones.

05:23Gorgeous.

05:24Yes.

05:25Oh, the texture.

05:27Sublime.

05:30Still can't make a bed, eh, bub?

05:32Because you always did it for me, Mum.

05:33I made your bed so you had time for more important things, like being a lawyer and fighting for change.

05:39I wasn't saving the world, Mum.

05:40I worked 70 hours a week to help big companies eat little companies.

05:43I worked two jobs, plus my art, to pay for the degree that you're not even using.

05:47It was a nothing job, Mum.

05:48I was the token black fella they could use on their annual report.

05:50Then use them back as a stepping stone.

05:52Go corporate, set yourself up, and then boom.

05:55Your legal aid era.

05:56I suppose this is what you call cultural appropriation?

05:59What do you want from me?

06:00To make the most of your talent.

06:01The others have turned mutinous.

06:02Instead of making beds for a living.

06:04They are blocking the television, and I simply must know why they chose Bluestone to cobble the hobble on Bobbleberry Way.

06:09Stop!

06:10Stop what?

06:11Caring about my baby girl?

06:13Sorry.

06:14I just, um, I just need to take care of something.

06:17Where are you going?

06:18We're having a good yarn.

06:22Move!

06:22If the boss says we're watching Pazabar, then we're watching Pazabar!

06:27Satan!

06:28Do something moron!

06:29Oi!

06:30Sit down!

06:32Down!

06:33In your seats, hurry up!

06:34Come on.

06:34It's not a delight to all who have the opportunity.

06:38Four Swedish strangers in one Swedish sauna.

06:42And things get still me.

06:44This is Hotbox.

06:46What on earth is that?

06:47It's a Swedish reality show.

06:48It's called Hotbox, and everyone's obsessed with it.

06:50Feel free.

06:50The Swedes are nothing but a bunch of fornicating, naked pagans.

06:56Why are they so wet?

06:59They're stuck in a sauna until they hook up or dehydrate.

07:01There's like 12 seasons, you're gonna love it.

07:03Yeah?

07:03So Karen did sex at Sven, which is crazy because she doesn't even find it.

07:06Look at their perky hair.

07:08Yes.

07:09Their perky hair.

07:11No, I don't want to watch Hotbox.

07:14Gideon, what's the problem?

07:16The only thing I wish to see exquisitely laid is moist cobblestone.

07:20Okay, I'll get the iPad ready.

07:26There.

07:27Happy?

07:27No, I don't want this tiny life raft.

07:29I want control of the original vessel.

07:31Sit down.

07:33Down.

07:35Satan, come hither.

07:37I refuse to endure this indignity alone.

07:41All right.

07:42Orders are orders.

07:43Move, Munch.

07:44Excuse me, Lindy.

07:45I've just got to sit next to the boss.

07:47There's a good bot.

07:49Satan.

07:49You know, if you don't stand up to him, it's never gonna change, yeah?

07:56Now I've got to go bleach the toilet for my mother.

08:09Oh.

08:10You on Marketplace?

08:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.

08:12Just trying to offload some of great-uncle Alfred's old stuff.

08:19$300.

08:24Oh, I don't know if anyone's gonna pay that for that.

08:27Vintage.

08:28Monsmoker.

08:29Black-owned.

08:31A capital B-L-A-K.

08:32Great-uncle Alfred was actually white.

08:36It's Kate's now, isn't it?

08:38Buyers are desperate for anything black-adjacent.

08:40Oh, maybe with your art, but an old chair with a bum dude?

08:45Rangaroo's bum den.

08:46Really?

08:47It is now.

08:48I am so hot.

08:51I am hotter.

08:52You are far less hot than me.

08:54I am hotter, and I will prove it.

08:57She took her temperature, and it turns out she was.

09:00Bad enough your bodies have rutted.

09:02No, this filth is ruttin' your mains.

09:05Who wants to leave the sauna and go go naked in the snow, yeah?

09:08I do.

09:09But not with you.

09:10I did want to leave, but not with Sven.

09:15Watch this, not that.

09:16Those two are just bosom friends.

09:21They can't possibly look up, as they say.

09:24Miranda, women can be with women.

09:27Because they are in sauna, which is actually...

09:30Pardon?

09:31They're called lesbians.

09:32Holy Father and Mother Mary, go to my age out with burning sex.

09:36But real lesbians don't look like that.

09:37Real lesbians look like, um, Satan.

09:41And they don't really like saunas.

09:44They like things like rescue dogs and protesting.

09:48Well, what do they protest for?

09:49For their rights.

09:51What kind of rights?

09:52Their rights to party.

09:53See?

09:57What did I tell you?

09:58This is really the traditional way to show thanks.

10:01Feels right to me, bub.

10:03Oh, what the blazes.

10:06Oh, that's good.

10:07You've done all right for yourself, eh, boy?

10:12Free mansion, fallen into your lap?

10:15I'm not on the title or anything.

10:17All this peace and quiet.

10:19Artists like me, we crave fresh landscapes.

10:23New vibes, new skies.

10:25Quietness can be overrated.

10:30City's not the same since Kate left.

10:33For so long, it was just me and her.

10:35We were a team.

10:38And now there's you.

10:39Right in the middle.

10:40What's going on here, then?

10:55I cleaned all that, but yesterday.

10:57Yes, and I really appreciate your invisible dusting, Eileen,

10:59but my mom appreciates clean grout.

11:01For heaven's sake, has this woman been cannonized?

11:04You're here scrubbing the tub.

11:07Sean's in there, grinding her truffers.

11:09What?

11:10Kate.

11:12Hey.

11:13So, um,

11:14I've done something that you may not appreciate at first,

11:18but, in fact, I think you'll find it's actually rather beautiful.

11:21What did you do to mom?

11:22What? Nothing. Wait, who's in here?

11:24It doesn't matter, nothing.

11:25Nothing? So am I.

11:26What happened, Sean?

11:27It was just a purely traditional foot rub.

11:29What?

11:30And then I asked her to move in with us.

11:32What?

11:32I know, I know, I know, but we have eight bedrooms, Kate.

11:35Six are filled with ghosts.

11:36She'll be filled with children.

11:38I think she's just lonely.

11:40I don't care. I don't want to live with my mom, Sean.

11:42I'm 30 years old.

11:44I just want to be a normal person and live with my man and my ghosts.

11:48She's unpacking her car.

11:50Lovely.

11:50Great.

11:52You realize this was her plan all along?

11:54She has guilt-tripped you into this?

11:55Guilt-tripped?

11:56She didn't guilt-trip me, Kate.

11:57She just mentioned that I should feel bad about inheriting this house

11:59and muscling my way in the middle of you two.

12:01Then she called me barbed and her feet were in my hands

12:04and, oh, my God, she did guilt-trip me.

12:06Wait, all this time I could have been using my tears of water.

12:09That thing?

12:10It's not your fault, Sean.

12:11Mom knows that you're an easy target.

12:14I'll sort it out.

12:16Yep.

12:17Mayday!

12:23Mayday!

12:23The life raft has gone down.

12:26That's it.

12:26No more, Hotbox.

12:27We're going back to Paltzer Barth.

12:29It's time to overthrow the dastardly mutineers.

12:34Do we have to, boss?

12:36I mean, they look really happy.

12:37How dare you defy me, Private?

12:38I order you to capsize their vessel.

12:41The girls are hooking up and I'm boiling alone

12:43like a sad little frankfurt.

12:45Oh, well, then no one can watch anything.

12:49I'd sooner never see another path of Bath

12:51than let the traitors win.

12:53Attack!

12:56The TV's dead.

12:58After I go psych myself up.

13:00Where are you going, man?

13:01You're supposed to go down with the ship!

13:03Is this any good?

13:09What did I miss?

13:10I realised it was your help.

13:11Lesbians.

13:13Give them a chop.

13:14Get them ready.

13:15To the sauce.

13:16I don't care how you chop them up.

13:18That's up to you, champion.

13:20Get you on.

13:22Juice your limes into the bale.

13:25While you're cooking, champion, consider this.

13:27We all know people who can be controlling and manipulative.

13:31Whether it be family, mates, or someone at work.

13:34If people are constantly bossing you around

13:36and taking advantage of you,

13:38it's time to introduce boundaries

13:40and voice your feelings out loud, mate.

13:43Voice my feelings out loud?

13:45Mate, just how much lime juice?

13:47I stand firm in my word.

13:49I stand firm in my word.

13:51The only boss of me is me.

13:53The only boss of me is me.

13:57In goes a quarter of a cup of lime juice.

14:01While I've got you,

14:02don't forget to like and subscribe and all that stuff.

14:05Mum, we need to talk about this whole moving in thing.

14:07Don't worry.

14:08It's all sorted.

14:08Good. I've unpacked, got my art stuff,

14:11all settled in.

14:12Wow, that's a lot of stuff you've brought.

14:15Come here.

14:16I've been working on something special I want to show you.

14:21The brown represents the river out back.

14:26The black is for you.

14:28I'll put some white in for Sean.

14:30See this line here, bud?

14:32Mm-hmm.

14:32It's me.

14:34Because now I'm here.

14:36Watching over you both forever.

14:38Hmm.

14:40When is it you'll be kicking her out, Ben?

14:42It's, um...

14:44It's really beautiful, Mum.

14:46Stay as long as you want.

14:48That woman's a genius.

14:49I'm not here to sex, but to be clear, I'm also not here not to not sex.

14:56Okay, change of plan.

14:58I need you to haunt my mum out of this house.

15:00Because if I kick her out, it's going to break her heart.

15:02So I need you all to do it for me.

15:04Catherine, can't you see I'm in the middle of a mutinous revenge?

15:08I am a bad...

15:09But, hang on.

15:09I'm giving you the opportunity to be your worst selves,

15:11to do the ghosty thing.

15:12You love that.

15:13Gideon, you can be in charge.

15:15You can lead the whole mission.

15:16No, thank you.

15:17Lindsay, you can do the bleh, bleh, bleh thing.

15:19Right?

15:20With the flickering lights.

15:21Maybe later.

15:22Come on, guys.

15:23You're ghosts.

15:24Be ghosts.

15:25Maybe being trapped in a sauna with semi...

15:27You know what?

15:28I'll just do it myself then.

15:30Thank you so much.

15:31Thank you for nothing.

15:32Great work.

15:34I love you.

15:35I love you.

15:36I love you.

15:37Catherine is being such a cow right now.

15:41Oh, my God.

15:42Yes.

15:50Yeah.

15:50You know, I'm just going to tell her I made a terrible mistake.

15:52No, you can't do that because I shall hate you forever,

15:53and then I will have to break up with you just to get some peace.

15:55Terrible.

15:56Have you seen Satan anywhere?

15:57The poltroon has abandoned ship.

15:59Oh, so you want to help now?

16:01Really?

16:02Catherine?

16:03Ghost face?

16:06I hope.

16:10And?

16:11Helpful ghost?

16:12No.

16:12Oh.

16:14I mean, even if she doesn't recognize your face,

16:16surely she's going to recognize your...

16:18your gate, Kate.

16:19She's just going to go, Kate gate.

16:27Mum, quick.

16:28I heard something in the hallway, something creepy and weird.

16:30Stay behind me.

16:31It's a lady of the manor.

16:43I heard she was murdered.

16:45I knew you didn't smoke this place.

16:46Well, I was going to eventually.

16:47Eventually.

16:52It's probably a chancer from Marketplace.

16:54What?

16:55No.

16:55Yes, it happens.

16:57You swap a few DMs, you give them the address.

16:59But look, that doesn't look like someone from Marketplace.

17:01It looks like someone from beyond the grave.

17:03Oi, you.

17:05Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, she looks evil.

17:07Don't.

17:08Ghost, mum, stop you back here.

17:09Mum, wait.

17:10We can take you back.

17:12No, no.

17:13Come on.

17:14Just pay for it, you cheap skates.

17:16Mum, wait.

17:16What's Sean?

17:26That's not Sean.

17:27That's not Sean.

17:29That spooky little ghost.

17:36Yeah.

17:37So you made your man dress up like an old woman to haunt me out of this house?

17:41It does sound weird when you put it like that, yeah.

17:43Do you hate me that much?

17:44Oh, mum, I love you.

17:45You know that.

17:45You know that I love you.

17:46I just don't want to be judged all day, every day.

17:49You know?

17:50I get enough of that already.

17:53From Sean.

17:54No.

17:54No, Sean's great.

18:00So all that burnout stuff wasn't just the job?

18:05I felt like I was disappointing you all the time.

18:09Barb, you could never.

18:10Then why do you act like it?

18:12Because I know that I disappoint you.

18:15I just want you to know that you're capable of big things.

18:18Yeah, but chasing those big things, it doesn't give me much time to just be me.

18:22You know?

18:22Psst.

18:23Okay.

18:24The TV is asking if we're still watching Hotbox.

18:27And I know you're busy being a disappointment to your mum.

18:29But we are.

18:30Still.

18:30Watching.

18:31Hotbox.

18:32And you see, Astrid just fornicated with Sven, but he's going steady with Corinne, and Carl's

18:37in love with Astrid, thus we need...

18:39What I'm saying is, I just need some space to live my life the way I want to live it.

18:47And that means I kind of need you to leave.

18:49I think she means us.

18:58No, she's definitely talking to her mum.

19:00I think also it is us.

19:01And if we give Kate some more privacy, then maybe she'll give us some more hotbox.

19:07No, all good, bup.

19:09Mum will be fine.

19:11Don't you worry about me.

19:13My Katie koala cuckabup.

19:15No.

19:15The place gave me the creeps anyway.

19:22Love you, Mum.

19:23Yeah.

19:24Love you too, bub.

19:25Ta-da.

19:26Bye, Mel.

19:31Thanks for the visit.

19:33Drive safe.

19:41You're money or you're life!

19:45Oh, bloody motorised carriages.

19:56Oi!

19:57Name there, Jimmy?

19:59Oh, good.

20:00Yes, it's you.

20:01The mutineers have a bad name.

20:02I've got something I want to say.

20:03Oh, yeah?

20:03It's time to introduce some boundaries and voice my feelings out loud.

20:10I stand firm in my worth.

20:12The only boss of me is me.

20:15And remember, if you like this video, please rate and subscribe.

20:19What in blasted hell are you talking about?

20:23I want to watch the shows that I want to watch, if you say that's okay.

20:26Well, one never suspects the bitter taste or portrayal of one's own seaman.

20:34If only I could say it was for the first time.

20:39Very well.

20:40The vessel is yours.

20:45See?

20:45Might as well.

20:52You know, I never got to be the boss of anything.

20:56Only myself and the octomum know the true pain of mothering.

21:02The lack of respect.

21:04Sacrificing of me nathers.

21:06How do I cope day after day after day?

21:10I guess I'll never know.

21:16Did you want to watch octomum?

21:20It's not too much trouble.

21:23It's no trouble at all.

21:28Octomum was given stitches for his 50-degree tear.

21:31I guess we've got this to look forward to one day.

21:36Yeah.

21:37One day.

21:38Two of octomum's newborns feed for each man.

21:41Well, she works another.

21:42Ah, ah, ah, ah...

21:44La-la-la-la-la-la!

21:46La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

21:46La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

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