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00:01okay number 48 Britney Spears former
00:06musketeer oh forget it good idea forget
00:09it all right number 49 stone-cold
00:14Steve Austin professional wrestler okay
00:17enough enough I can't keep doing this
00:20to myself exactly so anyway one more
00:22shot number 50 old dirty bastard my
00:26lawyer the rapper and that's it yes
00:31that's it oh my god all right kids that's
00:35it one more list I'm not on did you know
00:38I wasn't hot I didn't know I wasn't hot
00:40I'm walking around town thinking I'm hot
00:42I mean I mean I sell my tickets I make
00:45my concerts I do my films who do you have
00:46to fax in this town to get on a list
00:48sweetheart you're taking this stuff much
00:50too hard exactly I mean these lists are
00:52just full of Hollywood riffraff well who
00:54was more riffraff than me she doesn't like
00:56you know the problem is there's too many
01:00celebrities nowadays you know in the old
01:02days there were three celebrities there
01:03was me Liza and the fat kid from that show
01:06what show I don't know but he was very
01:09big for a while all of a sudden celebrities
01:11wall-to-wall they're popping up like
01:13mushrooms the judge have three spots on
01:15that list there ought to be a limit one
01:28to a household got locked up in the
01:30butter truck exactly and I'm next you
01:38know whose fault this is it's that damn
01:40publicist of mine I mean what am I paying
01:42him for anyway all he does he books me on a
01:44couple of talk shows he sits in the green
01:46room and he eats all the cheese he's very
01:48charming yes what are you dating him or
01:51something yes no wonder he doesn't have
01:55any time for me look the next time the
01:57three of you are taking a drive up the
01:58coast tell him he's fired well you can
02:00tell you tell you could tell him I need to
02:05get somebody new somebody fresh someone
02:06who can get me on a list like who well I
02:09don't know but it's a matter of take a
02:10professional wrestling come on Oscar let's
02:12see if I can body slam you
02:15who loves me even though I'm crazy and
02:20nothing that I say is true who won my
02:24heart and soul forever it's nobody else
02:28but nobody else but each time I feel I'm
02:32out to pass her who always makes me feel
02:36brand new I'm pledging my allegiance baby to
02:42nobody else but who who's Kate Hudson
02:46Goldie's daughter little Katie Hudson so
02:50people whose diapers I've changed are
02:52hotter than me give me that give me that
02:54that's enough of that oh well Connie you
02:56know how fickle the public is I don't
02:58want to just fade into obscurity like
02:59what's her name a woman's only got so
03:02many years in this business and I've
03:04been on this train a good long run and
03:05I'm worried the world's looking at my
03:06caboose nobody wants that I sure hope
03:10not because I got news for you I ain't
03:12going gently I got news for you that
03:14ain't news
03:17honey get the door all right oh no wait
03:19are you sure this girl's any good she
03:21is the hottest PR person in the business
03:22how hot she's number 12 on the list
03:24number 12 yeah hell I'll get the door
03:26myself hi I'm bet Nadine Sarnoff may I
03:34just say what a pleasure it is to
03:35finally meet you of course you may
03:36please come in hi Connie Randolph that's
03:39manager Atresha oh my god this place is
03:43exquisite you don't mind if I smoke in it
03:45do you actually I'd rather you didn't
03:46you're right it's a filthy habit where'd she
03:51go I don't know so here's what I'm
03:55thinking of all the actors slash singers
03:57slash legends in your age group you are
04:00by far the most wonderful slash dynamic
04:02slash exciting in the business today
04:04Nadine are you kissing my ass here not at
04:07all no no she likes that since we're gonna be
04:10working together let's really get to know
04:12each other tell me about your life who's
04:14the you behind the you well I'm a wife and
04:18mother I've been married 15 years we have a
04:22beautiful daughter named Rose it's all in
04:24all you're saying things are pretty good
04:26oh absolutely okay we can fix that what
04:29fix it fix it how what she's too happy her
04:33life it's too stable I gotta say you're not
04:35giving me a lot to work with here you wait
04:38here if she comes back grab her you want
04:43to reignite your career I see two clear
04:44options okay fire away option a we get you
04:50a couple of unglamorous roles and some very
04:52small very artsy independent films and
04:54then you lay low how low disappear
04:58completely leave the country create a
05:00demand people will clamor where's bet it's
05:02three to five years I guarantee you'll be
05:04back on the a-list three to five years
05:07why by that time I'll be still 40
05:11never mind what's option B scandal
05:14scandal look at this list Charlie Sheen
05:18caught with hookers to his own TV series
05:20Martin Lawrence danced in traffic with a gun
05:22to biggest movie of the summer and he's
05:24occasional lesbian wandering in the desert
05:26to three picture deal what lesson have we
05:29learned from this Ellen's better off people
05:34love a comeback and there's nothing better to
05:37come back from than a scandal well couldn't I
05:39just get a disease or something you could but I gotta tell you all the good
05:43ribbon colors are taken what if I get a gal pal don't look at me oh I have it I
05:52have it how about I have a love child that'd be a scandal right no that'd be a miracle
05:58maybe we could do something with your mental stability well I think you're
06:02on to something there you mean like a nervous breakdown good good I can run
06:06with that no no really don't you think it's a little yeah I think oh listen
06:10girls I understand let's just play it safe I'll book you on Leno run your
06:14potato salad recipe and McCall's and get your nice weekly spot on QVC that
06:20doesn't sound so hot that you can't be a player unless you get into the game what
06:25do you think it's up to you you have a tiny little nervous breakdown and that
06:30it's one night in the celebrity suite at a private hospital we hold an elegant
06:34press conference the next day and announced that you were just suffering
06:37from dehydration all's well that ends well that's it that and every magazine in
06:43the country telling the story of your heroic struggle let's get crazy I'll start
06:55making the arrangements right away I'm really jazzed about this I need a
06:59cigarette is she coming back I don't know
07:10it's a one-night stay in a private hospital I'll be back the day after
07:14tomorrow you're insane no see everybody thinks I'm insane but the twist is I'm
07:21actually dehydrated I'm telling you Nadine is a genius no Einstein is a genius
07:28Nadine is a scary emphysemic flack
07:33well I'm telling you I think it's a fabulous idea just think of it as me
07:37going on location Rose is on that outward-bound school trip you can have
07:41the whole house to yourself to do what oh you know whatever it is you do walk
07:45around in your boxers and eat licorice that's what you do those happen to be
07:52tap pants you do realize that you and your people live in a completely alternate
07:58universe what people Jews no Hollywood you know I can't believe that you're
08:06buying into this garbage you're becoming a cog in their machine that this whole
08:11list idea is just a way to hawk a couple of million magazines and you bow down
08:15like it's the golden calf honey you're so sexy when you get biblical honey nobody remembers the people
08:24on these lists five minutes after they come out well at least they get to be forgotten I mean I
08:28mean I'm
08:28not even on the list that means they've already forgotten to forget me why do you
08:34need so much love don't I give you enough oh honey of course not I mean you give me
08:41plenty but there's just something about a total stranger walking up to me and and
08:45saying I love you that keeps a girl going you wouldn't want to have to fill that
08:48void all by yourself for the next 30 years 30 years you know if you really think about it this
08:55was all really your idea okay I can't wait to hear this one well remember that astronomy book
09:00you gave me the one that said that a star is really nothing but a a big swirling ball of
09:05gas
09:05mm-hmm well if that's all I am then all I have to look forward to is either flaming out
09:10or imploding
09:11into a black hole where all I get offered is an occasional lifetime movie you know what I was
09:17wrong I'll drive you to the hospital myself oh boy this is gonna be so great in 36 hours I'll
09:25be rehydrated back on top and no one the wiser you know frankly I don't see it was wrong with
09:29this
09:29whole gal pal idea maybe for your birthday okay Nadine we're on our way I'll call you the minute
09:41she checks in all righty the hospital has been alerted the anonymous tips to the paparazzi have
09:47been phoned in we are all systems go you didn't tell Oscar anything did you know good because he
09:53can't keep a secret to save his life remember that time he blabbed about your hemorrhoids my hemorrhoids
09:58don't distract me what are you doing I'm practicing my my breakdown face I buy it oh can I have
10:10a
10:10piece oh my last one honey sorry sweetheart oh darling I'm sorry yeah that'll work how's my makeup
10:21you don't look distraught enough to me really okay
10:30what do you think
10:33well better but you know it still needs something hang on
10:46how's that
10:49perfect
10:56ready ready okay now just just prop me up like I can't quite make it on my own oh oh
11:01nice idea
11:02very nice here we go very good hey hey where's your bra the emotionally unstable don't wear bras
11:08if I were saying you think I'd let these chi-chis be swinging acapella
11:11okay all right here we go here we go all right give her room please give her room no pictures
11:16no no no did you love the girl no did you
11:23stand back please stand back
11:50oh no Roy honey I'm fine I had a wonderful night I'll be home in a few weeks
11:54hours did anybody call did you tell them I was mentally unstable oh you're an angel I love you bye
12:03bye good morning oh Connie the food in this hospital is fabulous we have to eat here more often well
12:08I'll grab a menu on my way out so what's the schedule you check out of here at 10 press
12:13conferences back at your house at 11 did you see entertainment tonight when Mary Hart broke my story she actually
12:19had tears in her eyes I always liked her yeah you would not believe it
12:24you see the number of phone calls I got last night every designer in town wants to dress you for
12:28your nervous breakdown oh oh show me the swag
12:30okay we have Moschino oh I don't get nervous breakdown from that do you no well I guess not all
12:37right so Gautier that's more of a ladies room crying Jack yeah and Armani oh good I like that oh
12:46I hope this is one of a kind a month from now I don't want to see Faye Dunaway holding
12:50up a 7-11 in that
12:53oh to accessorize my pretty oh you poor thing I've just heard how are you oh Oscar I'm fine oh
13:03she's so brave darling listen listen there's nothing to be ashamed of all right we've all been expecting this for
13:08years quite frankly I'm surprised you've
13:11you've only wanted to hold up this long oh no Oscar really I'm swell I just concocted this little psychotic
13:16episode so I could reclaim my rightful position in the Hollywood pantheon
13:21rather hate now I see
13:24surely she should be in restraints
13:26just put the flowers in a vase
13:28that's right
13:31hi I'm sorry to interrupt I just heard that you were here my name's Rick I'm a really big fan
13:36thank you we have our first sale anyway I just wanted to say if they need to do any electroshock
13:43therapy I'd be honored if I could put the bit in your mouth
13:47well let's let's hope it doesn't come to that but good to have you on the team
13:53he seems nice
13:56you two have really got to get organized
14:00oh my is it a little warm in here no wait that's the heat coming off my favorite stuff
14:07Nadine you can't smoke in here it's a hospital you're right it's a filthy habit
14:19I don't think we've met I'm Oscar Betts musical director
14:22Nadine Betts publicist be a doll and get rid of that for me would you hon
14:30all right
14:31the whole world's starting to converge on your house
14:34I got AP I got the trades I got us
14:37weekly
14:37they're in a frenzy waiting for your triumphant return
14:39great great just let me get dressed
14:41Connie will drive me home and we'll be all set
14:43no no no no no no no no
14:44you are driving yourself ask me why
14:46why
14:47because you are making a comeback
14:49we need to show the world that you're completely in control of your own life again
14:52oh that's good that's good I didn't see that coming
14:54how much is this clam bait costing me anyway
14:56not a penny
14:57how'd that happen
14:58corporate tie-in
14:59I played at the dehydration angle
15:01I got arrowhead to underwrite your comeback
15:03just show up to the press conference with a full bottle of this
15:05and then pick up the whole tab
15:08why
15:08if I'd known I was being comped I would have had my eyes done
15:13she's making this up
15:14yes
15:15but she's not really ill
15:16no
15:17right
15:17okay
15:20oh Rick
15:22I can certainly put the bit in my mouth
15:30what's the latest on bet
15:31ladies and gentlemen
15:32I've just been informed that bet is leaving the hospital as we speak
15:36under her own steam
15:37I might add
15:38as it turns out it was a simple case of dehydration
15:41yes and speaking of which
15:42bet has asked that we distribute bottles of arrowhead to you all
15:46so that you will not suffer the same fate
15:49arrowhead
15:49it's not just for crazy people
15:56what
15:56my analyst told me
15:57what
15:58that I was right out of my head
15:59the way you described it he said
16:01you'll be better off dancing alive
16:03I didn't listen to his job
16:06I knew all along
16:07he was all wrong
16:09and I knew that he thought
16:10I was crazy
16:11what
16:16what
16:16what
16:16what
16:16what
16:16what
16:17there goes my free ride
16:28hello
16:29Connie it's me
16:29I had a little accident
16:30I have to stop and drive myself off
16:32and pick up a brand new bottle of water
16:33and I'll be right there
16:34are you alright
16:36hang on
16:37I'm picking up another conversation
16:38what
16:39I hear voices
16:40I'm hearing voices
16:42don't you hear that
16:43isn't it awful
16:44don't you hear those voices
16:45oh the poor thing
16:47I guess Mary Hart was right
16:50oh no
16:50now they're gone
16:51oh no they're back
16:52those voices
16:53don't you hear them
16:54oh
16:55oh my gosh
17:02excuse me
17:03excuse me
17:03coming through
17:04I just need an outlet
17:06I just need an outlet
17:11where is she
17:12it's been 45 minutes
17:14I don't know
17:14but I'm off the clock
17:16where do you think you're going
17:17I'm sorry
17:18I got Whitney Houston
17:18smacking the mayor
17:19in half an hour
17:20good luck
17:22Connie
17:30hey you
17:32yeah
17:32it's me
17:34what do you think you're doing
17:35sorry lady
17:36we're just expressing ourselves
17:38you wanna express yourself
17:39take a dance class
17:40now go on
17:41get out of here
17:42you lousy JD's
17:53$3.50
17:54$3.50
17:55$3.50
17:55I hope that's the time
17:58you got the sports bottle
18:00well how much if I promise not to play sports?
18:03$3.50
18:04well you jacked up the price
18:06what is this
18:07let's scourge the celebrity?
18:09I could have wrung my blouse out for nothing
18:11what are you doing?
18:13I don't like your attitude
18:14I don't like your attitude
18:15listen bub
18:15the world is waiting at my house
18:16and I have to hold my water
18:20she's even worse than they said
18:24may I help you?
18:27easy I don't want any trouble
18:28hey they're towing somebody's car
18:30oh jeez
18:34wait
18:37wait
18:38wait
18:39wait
18:40hold on a big minute
18:42I'm gonna be late for my comfort
18:47oh jeez
18:48oh jeez
18:50oh jeez
18:51okay everybody please please
18:52if you would just hold on for a few minutes more
18:55would uh
18:56would any of you like to ask any questions
18:59about me?
19:03okay
19:04how about impressions?
19:05I do a pretty mean Mary Tyler Moore
19:09oh look
19:10it's Bet's husband
19:11maybe he'd like to field a question or two
19:13sir would you categorize your wife's recent behavior
19:16as unusual in any way?
19:18uh no I'd say it's pretty much par for the course around here
19:21have you talked to any therapists about this?
19:22twice a week for the last 15 years
19:24excuse me
19:27that's exactly the kind of humor that has kept this marriage together for 15 years
19:31but seriously folks
19:33let me assure you
19:34Bet is the picture of mental health
19:37shut up!
19:40shut up!
19:45oh move it!
19:47come on move it!
19:49that's her
19:54is this gonna make a great lifetime movie?
20:00what are you looking at?
20:04oh
20:05Mr. Graham
20:09okay
20:10listen everybody
20:11just hang on a couple minutes more
20:13would you please please
20:13you know what
20:14I bet we could even get a song out of her
20:16huh?
20:17what do you think
20:18oh
20:18oh
20:19here she comes now
20:22hi
20:23hi
20:24oh
20:25oh my god I'm so happy to be here
20:27you'll never believe what I've been through
20:29listen to this
20:30I was happily driving home
20:31when I hit a speed bump and wet myself
20:35so I put on my pen wire
20:36and ran in to plug myself in
20:39then
20:39then between guttersnights defiling my image
20:41and this Napoleon at the mini-mart
20:43trying to gouge me for something
20:44I could have licked off my blouse for free
20:46well
20:47I didn't know which end was up
20:49then when my car drove off
20:50without me and I had to walk the streets
20:52the cops tried to arrest me for pinching a bottle
20:55but as you can see
20:56I'm back
20:57I'm back
20:58and I'm better than ever
20:59good to see ya
21:04okay any questions?
21:11Nadine you're sure?
21:12it's confirmed
21:14well that's great
21:16you are the best
21:18right
21:19well honey
21:19you did it
21:21I'm on the list?
21:23yes you are
21:23what number is she?
21:24number one
21:26I'm number one
21:27I'm number one
21:28oh my god
21:28oh my god
21:31what list was it?
21:32oh god
21:33I forgot to ask
21:34oh
21:34well I
21:35I'm number one
21:36yes
22:00nobody else but you
22:05nobody else but you
22:09nobody else but you
22:16you
22:21yeah
22:22no
22:22no
22:23no
22:23no
22:24no
22:24no
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