- 7 hours ago
After running into Jerry Colonna, in New Caledonia, McHale and the guys talk the bug-eyed, mustachioed comic into making an unscheduled stop, for a show, on Taratupa. But, when they learn that the base doesn't qualify for a Special Services show, they must make some special arrangements for an 'epidemic', at the base hospital.
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, stand by, everybody.
00:12Film can's on starboard by.
00:13How about that, guys?
00:15The special service officer on the ball?
00:17How'd you make it out, Mr. Parker?
00:18Did you make the old switcheroo?
00:19Well, I frankly had to talk myself blue in the face, but I did it.
00:22Hey!
00:23Well, what'd you get, Mr. Parker?
00:24What'd they trade you for those dozen Tom Mix movies?
00:27A dozen Hoot Gibson movies.
00:28Oh, no.
00:29Oh, that's like exchanging a cove for pneumonia.
00:32Yeah, what we need is pictures where the Phillies have only two legs.
00:35All right, all right, Mr. Parker tried to do the best he could.
00:37So quit your beef and give him a hammer at the cans.
00:39Oh, no, no, no, no, thanks, fellas.
00:41No offense, but these films are my responsibility,
00:43and I'm gonna see if nothing happens to them
00:45until I give them the lead bottom personally.
00:46I don't get it.
00:47What?
00:47Ah!
00:48Ah!
00:48Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:49Ah!
00:50Ah!
00:50Ah!
00:50Ah!
00:51Ah!
00:51Ah!
00:51Ah!
00:52Ah!
00:52Ah!
00:52Ah!
00:53Ah!
00:53Ah!
00:56Queenies, Kate, so this is what they mean by crashing into the movies, eh?
01:23Give a hand to you boys!
01:49Jumpin' jellyfish, I don't believe it!
01:52It's Jerry Kelowna, you're Jerry Kelowna!
01:54Who'd you expect, Rex and the Wonder Horse?
01:56Hey, how about that?
01:58It is Jerry Kelowna, in the flesh!
02:00Hi, Jerry, baby.
02:01Hope we didn't shake you up, Mr. Kelowna.
02:03Your arms and legs look okay.
02:04Hope we didn't break your mustache.
02:05Oh, but my eyeballs may never bounce again.
02:10Well, we're sure glad there was no damage, Mr. Kelowna, Commander.
02:13Oh, incidentally, my name is Quentin McHale, skipping to PT-73.
02:17My pleasure, McHale.
02:18My pleasure, sir.
02:19Hey, Jerry, where's Hope?
02:20Yeah, where's all Ski Snoop?
02:21Well, he's over in New Guinea getting a nose job.
02:24Hey, where are you boys from?
02:26Taratupa.
02:27It's a little island due south of here.
02:29Taratupa sounds like an oriental disease.
02:31Is that on our schedule, Commander Ross?
02:34I'm afraid not, Mr. Kelowna.
02:35Oh, now that figures.
02:36A real live movie star shows up, and what do we get?
02:39A bunch of stale old horse operas.
02:41It ain't fair.
02:42Yeah.
02:43If we see one more saddle bum shouting, reach for the sky, you vomits, we might just throw
02:47the war.
02:48One of my best friends are vomits.
02:50Serving vomit?
02:50Vomit?
02:51Live vomit?
02:52Yeah.
02:53No, no, no, Jerry.
02:54Oh, what the boys are driving at is that, uh, well, if you were to pay us a visit, man,
02:59it'd sure perk up the base.
03:01Hope we'll be on New Guinea for a couple of days.
03:03Oh, that's great.
03:04I know it's a little bit irregular, Mr. Kelowna, but, uh, anything you say, past Thursday
03:08at 7 p.m., look, uh, McHale.
03:09Sounds great.
03:10How about it, boys?
03:11Hey, cheers for Jerry Kelowna.
03:13Hip, hip.
03:14Hooray!
03:15Hooray!
03:16Hooray!
03:17Hooray!
03:18Ah, you're a good boy.
03:19See you Thursday.
03:20Bye!
03:21Bye-bye!
03:22Hooray!
03:23Hooray!
03:24Hooray!
03:25Hooray!
03:26Hooray!
03:27Hooray!
03:28Hooray!
03:29Hooray!
03:30Hooray!
03:31Captain Binghamton's office.
03:32Oh, I'm sorry, the captain's sleeping late this morning, Admiral Henshaw.
03:35Admiral Henshaw.
03:36Oh, well, sir, what I meant is the captain is out inspecting some of the men.
03:39You see what he's...
03:40Captain, what are you doing at my desk?
03:41What are you doing at my desk?
03:42Sir, it's Admiral Henshaw.
03:43I don't care if it's Admiral Yamamoto.
03:45What are you doing, sir?
03:46Admiral Henshaw?
03:47What are you doing?
03:48Chief medical officer at the Pentagon, sir.
03:49I know who he is.
03:50I know who he is.
03:51They come in the army or something.
03:53Oh, come on, please.
03:55Oh!
03:56Hello, Admiral Henshaw.
03:57What is an important man like you doing way out here?
04:00I'm at Comfleet, investigating certain irregularities in base hospitals in this area.
04:05Irregular?
04:07We don't have any irregularities, Admiral.
04:10We run a very...
04:11Sir!
04:12A very tight hospital.
04:14I want you and your medical officer to fly up here to Comfleet immediately.
04:17Bring all your records.
04:18You read me?
04:19I like a thermometer, Admiral.
04:22That's a little medical joke.
04:24I thought I'd...
04:25You didn't care for...
04:27Well, thank you, Admiral.
04:29Goodbye, sir.
04:30That prying old goat.
04:32What's the trouble, sir?
04:33Well, I've got to fly up to Comfleet with all my medical records so that brass-bottom quack
04:38can go over them.
04:39Means I'll have to put you in command while I'm away.
04:42Me, sir?
04:43In command?
04:44Well, thank you, sir.
04:45Sir, I will make you proud of me.
04:46I will be one of the best...
04:47Good, good.
04:48Because your first job as acting CEO is to pack my suitcase.
04:51Let's go.
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh!
04:56I love it.
04:57Easy does it, sir.
04:58It was just an accident.
04:59Yeah, anybody can drop a can now and then.
05:02How can you, you klutz, attacking your CEO?
05:04No, no, no, no, no, sir.
05:05Don't get all head up now.
05:07Yeah.
05:08And besides, you're standing on Hoot Gibson.
05:09You mean all of this is westerns?
05:11Go on, Chuck.
05:12Tell them the good news.
05:13Tell them who's coming.
05:14I don't want to hear any good news.
05:16The only good news I'm interested in is that I won't have to look at his fat little face
05:19for a few days because I'm going up to Comfleet, so get out of my way.
05:22And while the captain's gone, you'd better keep those privateers of yours on their toes
05:25because I am acting base commander.
05:27Right now you're overacting.
05:28Start folding my underwear.
05:30But, Captain, I couldn't you imagine that?
05:39Doggone it.
05:40Here we get Jerry Colonna to come up here and do a show for us.
05:42And what does he do?
05:43He won't even listen to us.
05:45Now look, Captain.
05:47Look.
05:49Now wait a minute, Captain.
05:51Now wait a minute, Captain.
05:53Me.
05:54Just pick all that film up off the floor and get out of my office.
05:57Just get out, that's all.
05:58Well, I know.
06:08I didn't have blazes.
06:15Oh, brother.
06:16Hello, McHale.
06:17Colonna.
06:18Ah, yes, I'm in the pink.
06:19Oh, you're in the pink, all right.
06:21That's right.
06:22My blues are in the laundry.
06:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:26Knock it off, funny man.
06:27We got a very hilarious PT boot down there that's gotta be scrubbed.
06:31So where's the rest of your fellow comics?
06:33Ta-da.
06:34Is only a bird in the olden cave
06:40A beautiful sight
06:42You'll see she
06:45Quiet!
06:49Whew!
06:51Poor you bunch of coyotes could make a fortune running yourselves out for air raids.
06:55Thanks for the tip, Skip.
06:56But we've already got ourselves a little gimmick.
06:59Observe!
07:00I see it, but I'm not gonna believe it.
07:02These are just a sample, Skip.
07:04We got more coming from Chief Wannabe's little helpers.
07:06Hey, Chief Wannabe's little...
07:07Don't you schlockmeisters ever give up?
07:09For crying out loud, our base is getting a break finally, and you guys is too.
07:14Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
07:15You guys gotta start giving yourself more time to shave in the morning.
07:18What do you got there, Charlie?
07:19It's a radio signal.
07:20It's from special services, and it's bad news.
07:23How bad?
07:24Yeah, what is it, Skip?
07:25It's as bad as it can get.
07:27Colonna hasn't come, and the show's been canceled.
07:30Canceled?
07:30Hey, they can't do this to us.
07:31Well, according to this special service directive, due to time restriction, a Colonna show can
07:37only visit bases with 50-bed hospitals or more.
07:40Wouldn't you just know it?
07:41Well, how many bases does the Territuba Hospital have?
07:44Well, according to this, 28.
07:46What are we gonna do in a South Pacific with 500 lip warmers?
07:49Can't you guys get your minds out of your wallets for crying out loud?
07:53Don't you understand?
07:54And this'll drive the morale over on main side lower than a snail's belly.
07:59But we're wrong with that, actually!
08:01Oh, all the stupid regulations.
08:04Yeah, 50 beds.
08:05What a bunch of hogwash.
08:06It just doesn't pay to stay healthy anymore.
08:08I told you that sunshine of fruit juice would get to you.
08:12Wait a minute.
08:14Of course it doesn't pay to stay healthy anymore.
08:17You guys are right.
08:17What are you driving at, Skip?
08:19Well, if it means that we gotta have a 50-bed hospital to qualify, by golly, that's what
08:25we're gonna get.
08:26Well, hey, Skip's right!
08:28That's it!
08:29Now, look, all we have to...
08:31Wait a minute.
08:32What good are 50 beds gonna do if you don't have 50 patients to put in them?
08:35Never fear.
08:36We'll get the 50 patients, provided my ever-loving head nurse doesn't examine them too closely.
08:42Oh, Marley, you play along, Skip.
08:44Yeah, but what about Ledbottom?
08:46So what about Ledbottom?
08:47He's not here as he's up at Confleet.
08:49Copies in command?
08:50Ah, what could be easier?
08:51Come on, let's get going.
08:53Wait a minute.
08:54Let's get rid of those lip wigs.
08:56Sir, help me if I ever see one more mustache.
08:58I'm gonna...
08:58Hello, Hope.
09:05Corona-san here.
09:12Base Commander Carpenter here.
09:13State your business and quickly.
09:14I'm a busy man.
09:14Busy, busy, busy.
09:15Captain Binghamton.
09:16How are you, sir?
09:18I hope everything's going as smoothly at Confleet as it is right here, sir.
09:21I'll belay the dribble and pay attention.
09:23We're in big trouble.
09:24I'm flying to Tarotuba tomorrow morning with Admiral Henshaw.
09:27Don't you worry about a thing, sir.
09:28I'll have that hospital spick and span.
09:30What does spick and span have to do with malingering?
09:33He claims that our records show a high rate of malingering, so I want you to cancel sick call.
09:46But I want those wards just as bare as Mother Hubbard's cupboards.
09:50Mother Hubb...
09:50Oh, Mother...
09:51Oh, that's very funny, sir.
09:53Yes, I'm sorry, sir.
09:53Go ahead, sir.
09:55Elroy, don't mention a word of this to McHale and his gang.
09:59If they find out I'm on the hook with the Admiral, there is nothing that they wouldn't do to hand me the shaft.
10:05All right, sir.
10:06Mum's the word.
10:08This man is a boob.
10:09Oh, look at that sick call line.
10:20Oh, they can't do that.
10:21They can't.
10:22Oh, my goodness.
10:24Now, remember, you guys, it's the only way we can get Kelowna here.
10:27All right, manager, come down the line, call out your favorite disease.
10:30Now, who'd like beriberi?
10:32Malaria.
10:32Well, I'll have the same.
10:34Make that three.
10:35Ready to go.
10:39I don't know how I let you talk me into this, Quint.
10:49Well, you couldn't help yourself, Molly.
10:51I'm just irresistible.
10:53Oh, Chuck, how are we doing?
10:54Thirty-seven patients in, thirteen to go.
10:56Which means that our fifty beds will then be filled, Molly.
11:00Then all we do is send word to special services that we qualify, and Mr. Kelowna is on his way.
11:08What?
11:09What's going on here?
11:10What?
11:11What?
11:11What?
11:11Oh, no, it's a little lead bottle.
11:13Go on, beat it, Molly.
11:14I'll handle curly locks.
11:17Samuels?
11:20What are all these malingerers doing in here?
11:22What?
11:22What?
11:23What?
11:24Malingerers?
11:24Malingerers.
11:25Oh, come now, Carpy.
11:27You've got it all wrong.
11:28These boys are real sick.
11:30Real sick.
11:31Oh, my stomach.
11:32Oh.
11:32I don't think I'll make it.
11:34Oh.
11:35Oh.
11:36Good morning, sir.
11:37I've got the bubonic plate.
11:39Man, he's got to have his tonsils out.
11:40You see?
11:41You see?
11:41Well, that is just too bad, because sick call is canceled until further notice.
11:44And that is an order.
11:45I want this hospital cleared right now.
11:47All of you men, shoo.
11:48Out, out, shoo, shoo.
11:49Now, wait a minute, Carpy.
11:50You can't do that.
11:52Oh, can I?
11:52It just so happens that I am the acting base commander, and for the last time, Commander
11:56McHale, nobody gets sick on my base, but nobody.
11:59Now, everybody out.
12:00Shoo, shoo.
12:01You, now, shoo.
12:01I've said shoo, and I can't shoo.
12:03Shoo, shoo, shoo.
12:04Now, everybody out.
12:05You can say it.
12:06I won't listen.
12:07I hate to say it, boys, but I'm afraid you're just going to have to kiss that Jerry Colonna show
12:10goodbye.
12:11Well, you can say that again.
12:13Oh, that miserable.
12:15Can you imagine him calling off sick call?
12:18Well, I wish he were sick.
12:20I'll bet you if he had one little sneeze, he'd be in there fast and you could shake a stick.
12:23Yeah.
12:24Hey, Chuck, that's it.
12:27Oh, boy.
12:28Love that smile.
12:30All we have to do is to convince Carpy that he's sick.
12:34Man, he'll break down doors in order to get medical attention.
12:37Hey, that's a great idea, Skip.
12:39Molly, you got any extra germs?
12:40No, no, no.
12:41That's all we need.
12:43All we want from you, Molly, my love, is one sleeping pill.
12:49Here he comes with Carpy's lunch.
12:51You know what to do.
12:52You're right.
12:54Hey, you're swammy.
12:56You get a match?
12:58Sorry, mate.
12:59Fresh out.
13:00Oh, that's too bad.
13:01Skip.
13:02Take these.
13:03I got plenty.
13:03Okay, girl.
13:30You sound like a light.
13:31Makeup.
13:33Okay, group.
13:34One more dab will do you.
13:37Atta boy.
13:38Perfect.
13:39All right.
13:40How about that?
13:42It's a work of art.
13:44Chuck, give him some more of that instant fever quick.
13:47Skip.
13:47This light's giving those things an enamel finish.
13:50Please, please don't tattle with my masterpiece.
13:52Shh.
13:54Come on, Eve.
13:54That pill's starting to wear off.
13:56Come on, it's time for phase two.
13:57Let's go.
14:09Come in.
14:10Come in.
14:11Hiya, Carpy.
14:12Here's a couple requisitions.
14:14Hey.
14:16What happened to you?
14:17Oh, my gosh.
14:18You better stand back, Skip.
14:19He looks contagious.
14:20What are you talking about contagious?
14:22What were you doing?
14:23Those spots.
14:24Who, you poor kid?
14:25Spots?
14:26What spots?
14:27I haven't got any...
14:29Spots.
14:30I wouldn't call him stripes.
14:31What'd you call him, Skip?
14:32Well, if I had to call him anything, I'd call him measles.
14:35Measles?
14:36I could...
14:36Measles?
14:38You also got seven years' bad luck.
14:40Chuck, we've got to get him to the base hospital right away.
14:44Oh, no, I can't go there.
14:45I promised Captain Binghamton that I'd keep the wards in the base hospital as bearers,
14:47Mother Hubbard's cupboard.
14:49Bearers?
14:50Now, look, this is no time for nursery rhymes, boy.
14:52This is serious.
14:53Why, you can spread it around.
14:55You're a carrier.
14:56You heard it.
14:56Typhoid Mary.
14:57You know what they're going to call you?
14:58What?
14:59Measles Elroy.
15:00Measles Elroy?
15:01Me?
15:02Oh, there's another one.
15:03Where?
15:03Right on the end of your nose.
15:04Oh, ha, ha, ha.
15:05Boy, if this keeps up, why, you can go just like that.
15:08Even faster.
15:08Hey, let me feel.
15:10Holy Hannah.
15:12Boy, you must have a temperature of at least 120.
15:14Oh, no.
15:15And that's in the shade.
15:16Oh, I'm burning up.
15:17I'm feeling worse every minute.
15:19Oh, help me.
15:20Please help me.
15:20Hey, Chuck, we've got to get him to the hospital right away.
15:23Oh, Skip, he canceled sick call.
15:26Well, I've just uncancelled it.
15:28Oh, please help me.
15:29Oh, don't worry.
15:30Don't worry.
15:31We'll get you to the hospital, even if we have to break in.
15:33Help!
15:34Medical call men!
15:35Anybody!
15:36What took you so long?
15:37Sorry to keep you waiting.
15:39Oh, no.
15:40He looks horrible.
15:41What is it, Skip?
15:42Leprosy?
15:42Worse than that.
15:44Measles.
15:45Help him, boys.
15:46Sit down gently.
15:47Easy.
15:47Oh, gently, gently, please.
15:49Easy.
15:49Easy.
15:50Yes, that's right.
15:52Here we go, boys.
15:54Gangway!
15:55Contagious man coming in.
15:56Don't nobody even breathe.
15:58Nurse, take a look at this man.
16:00Sit to a straight nurse.
16:02He's got a weak face, but he can take it.
16:04I've never seen a case of measles like this before.
16:07Why, it's awful.
16:08Oh, please, nurse, I'm contagious.
16:10Put me to bed quickly before I contaminate anybody else.
16:12Too late.
16:13It's too late.
16:13You've already contaminated half the base.
16:15Look.
16:16Skip, we only need 50.
16:18Holy mackerel.
16:19Quick, broom.
16:19Let's get out of here.
16:20Help me.
16:21So long, Spuddy.
16:23Nurse, nurse, help us.
16:25We're sinking fires.
16:25Somebody sink for the chaplain.
16:27Quick.
16:27Nurse, you've got to admit these men and get beds.
16:30More beds.
16:31Well, you're so right, Commander.
16:32Okay, some of you guys bed down here.
16:34The rest of you go into Warnay.
16:36Hurry, hurry.
16:36You too.
16:37Oh, gently.
16:39I got a second.
16:40Chant.
16:40Chant.
16:41Oh, gently.
16:41Admiral, I'm certainly glad that you came down a day early, sir.
16:51The sooner I can put an end to these ridiculous rumors.
16:53Yes, yes, Binghamton.
16:54Let's get on with the inspection, shall we?
16:56I just wish you'd let me signal ahead, Admiral.
16:58So you could alert your staff?
16:59Oh, no.
17:00I found that a surprise inspection is the only true one.
17:03Now, let's move along.
17:04For the limits.
17:06Oh.
17:07Sakes.
17:08You have two goofballs doing in my hospital.
17:10Why?
17:10Why are you doing this?
17:10Sir, sir, we just came over to pick up some milk of magnesia.
17:14Huh?
17:15Yeah, yeah.
17:15We didn't have anything to take for the coffee.
17:18Milk of magnesia?
17:19And you know, I got to...
17:20Oh, yeah, that's a joke, Admiral.
17:24They're always joking.
17:26Shall we get along with the inspection?
17:27Yes.
17:28Oh, inspection.
17:29Inspection.
17:29Well, yeah, yeah.
17:30Why don't we start?
17:31What would you like to start with?
17:32How about my fingernails?
17:33No, no, no.
17:35That's not what the Admiral means, Mr. Parker.
17:37Well, why don't you follow me, sir?
17:38The motor pool's right this way.
17:40Motor pool?
17:40What are you talking about?
17:41I'm a medical officer.
17:43Oh, well, well, well, then you can inspect the ambulances, sir.
17:46Get out of our way.
17:46Now, sir, you don't want to go in there.
17:48Well, look.
17:49Why don't you take the Admiral over to the officers' club and buy him a nice cold drink?
17:53Yeah, they got a tall Shirley Temple over there.
17:55It'll last you for hours.
17:57I've heard enough of this drivel.
17:59Well, me too.
18:00You men get out of our way, and that's an order.
18:02I want the Admiral to see my nice, clean, empty, deserted hospital.
18:05What happened?
18:08Shirley Temple.
18:13You see, for the little business we do here, Admiral, we might as well transfer our whole medical staff.
18:19Well, this is your idea of an empty hospital, eh, Binghamton?
18:23I don't understand this.
18:25It was empty when I left.
18:26I absolutely am.
18:28Excuse me, Admiral, but we shouldn't even be in here.
18:30You know how contagious mises are.
18:33You see?
18:34You're right, McHale.
18:35Mieses are very contagious.
18:36Yes, sir.
18:38These spots look more like iodine to me.
18:41Iodine?
18:42How could that possibly be, sir?
18:44Yeah, I think if you look more closely, you'll find that it's grease paint and, uh...
18:47Grease paint?
18:49Well, of all that dastardly...
18:51Christopher, you get up.
18:52Come on.
18:53Now, easy, Captain.
18:54Easy, easy.
18:56You're right.
18:57Hey, there's a grease paint, Admiral.
18:59He's a baker.
19:00He's a baker.
19:00You get out of here.
19:02Get right out of here.
19:03Look at this one.
19:04Look at this.
19:04They're all bakers.
19:05Look at that.
19:06Fakes, fakes, fakes.
19:07Lingerers is the word with a capital M.
19:09You better have a good explanation for this, Binghamton.
19:12Well, you see, Admiral, when I was...
19:14Everything, there wasn't...
19:16There was...
19:16He did it.
19:17I mean, you're trying to make a fool out of me.
19:19What's the matter?
19:20You men get out of my hospital.
19:21What are you trying to do?
19:22Get out of here.
19:24Get out of here.
19:25Get out of here.
19:27Get out of here.
19:29What kind of a madhouse are you running here?
19:33Well, McHale's got to be at the bottom of this, Admiral.
19:37All right, McHale.
19:38What's your story?
19:39Well, uh...
19:40How about...
19:42I can't tell you.
19:43I can't tell you.
19:44I mean, just kill me.
19:45Oh, you lay it in the...
19:46Oh, Stuart, Binghamton.
19:48And get to the point, McHale.
19:49Now, what's the reason for this phony epidemic?
19:51Uh, uh...
19:53Well, okay, Admiral.
19:56I'll level with you, sir.
19:57Well, you better.
19:58Yes, sir.
19:59You see, um...
20:01Morale has been pretty low here on Tarotupa lately, sir.
20:04And then, well, if we didn't qualify as a 50-bed hospital here,
20:09we never would have been able to have the Jerry Kelowna show play here.
20:13Jerry Kelowna?
20:14Yes, sir.
20:15Coming here?
20:16Uh-huh.
20:16To Tarotupa?
20:17Yes, sir.
20:17Uh-uh, Admiral.
20:18Uh-uh.
20:18Don't you listen.
20:19That's a trick.
20:20They couldn't get Jerry Kelowna here if their lives depended upon him.
20:23Could, too.
20:23Could, too.
20:24You and your malingers are not going to name-drop your way out of this one.
20:27Oh, simmer down, Binghamton.
20:30After all, morale is important to good health.
20:33I don't exactly approve of your methods, McHale,
20:37but if you did intend to get Jerry Kelowna here,
20:39I'm sure it would be a shot in the arm anyways.
20:42A shot in the arm?
20:44Would these men need a shot in the head?
20:46That's why Kelowna wouldn't come within five miles of them.
20:49Ta-da-da-da!
20:50And here he is, folks.
20:52He can only stay a second,
20:53so let's give him a big Tarotupa welcome
20:54to one, the only, Jerry Kelowna!
20:58Ah, greetings!
20:59Thanks, sorry I'm late.
21:01I'll never smile!
21:06That's it, Jerry, cut!
21:07Sorry, that's all the time we have for, folks.
21:09Gotta catch a plane!
21:10Now, wait a minute, Gruber.
21:11You get out of my way.
21:13Just a second, you fuzzy-lip-faker you.
21:15You're not Kelowna.
21:17Ah, see, there's Seaman Bell.
21:20There is no end to which these con men will not go.
21:22Shall I call the S.P.'s?
21:24No, please, Admiral.
21:25Don't take it out of my crew.
21:26You see, they were only doing this to help me.
21:29Oh, stow the alibis, McHale.
21:31I was about to buy that phony story of yours.
21:33Now I can see the captain was right.
21:45It's the ambulance from the eerstrip.
21:46You'd better clear the way, man.
21:47Oh, don't pay attention, Admiral.
21:49It's just another cockamamie trick, eh,
21:51to try and get off the hook.
21:53Waitings, Gates.
21:54Oh, this must be the place.
21:55Jerry Kelowna.
21:59For my first number,
22:00I would start with an andante pianissimo,
22:02ending with a cadencer,
22:03after which I would bank the eight ball in the side pocket.
22:05Oh, what a break.
22:07How did you ever make it?
22:08Oh, just faked in a tank of appendicitis,
22:11so the pilot had to make an emergency landing.
22:13Couldn't let my boys down, you know.
22:15No, sir.
22:16This isn't Jerry Kelowna.
22:17Jerry Kelowna, this is just another fraud.
22:19Anybody can see that.
22:20Well, you're some kind of a nut.
22:22Eddie, Binghamton, of course that's Jerry Kelowna.
22:25He is not Jerry Kelowna, Admiral.
22:26I'll bet my stripes on that.
22:28Look at this.
22:29Ah!
22:30Ah!
22:32You see?
22:32You see?
22:33Well, sorry, Captain, but a bet's a bet.
22:36Bet's a bet.
22:38Well, I'll make another bet.
22:39I'll bet you don't live the day out, Captain.
22:40Get out!
22:42Get out!
22:43Get out!
22:44Oh!
22:44I don't mind doing an extra show,
22:50but how do you follow an act like that?
22:52That's a good question.
22:57It is sad when you think
23:02of her wasted life
23:05For youth cannot mate with age
23:10And her beauty was solid
23:14For rich
23:17A man's gold
23:20She's a bird
23:25In a key
23:27Heel at the head
23:32Heel at the head
23:36Heel at the head
23:44Hooray!
23:45Thank you!
23:46Woo-hoo!
23:47Oh, Jerry, they were just great.
23:51Just great.
23:53Oh, the boys will never forget this.
23:54Yes.
23:57Holy jumping jihossifer, Admiral.
23:59Are those spots that are popping out on his face?
24:06By the heavens, they are.
24:09This is awful.
24:10Mr. Colon, I'm afraid you have a legitimate case of the measles.
24:13Me?
24:15This is ridiculous.
24:16Well, I've got to be going.
24:18Bye.
24:18Just a moment.
24:19I'm sorry, Mr. Colon, but you're not going anywhere.
24:22As of this moment, you're under quarantine.
24:24And that goes for everybody here.
24:28Quiet, Captain.
24:29Okay, Colon, your call to Bob Hope is through.
24:32Hello, Hope?
24:33Colon, what have I got to say?
24:36I'll tell you what I got to say.
24:38Hey!
24:46I'll tell you what I got.
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