- 2 months ago
- #comedy
- #stageplay
- #dryhumor
#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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FunTranscript
00:00Welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience, here in Cornley, and broadcast to the nation.
00:23I am Chris Bean, the director.
00:27Following a number of complaints, we have combed through this week's script for any offensive language.
00:32One character in particular, Buddy, does use rather a lot of gruff vocabulary, or as my mother would put it, Scottish language, which will be censored throughout.
00:41Also, unusually this week, we have hit a minor snag.
00:45Tonight's American play is entitled Ninety Degrees, in relation to the Tennessee heat.
00:51Unfortunately, when the set builders saw Ninety Degrees written on their technical drawings, they took it to mean they should build parts of the set.
00:58You'll immediately see what they've done, to be honest.
01:01But do not fear, we have corrected the issue by repositioning the cameras.
01:05So, the actors are prepared, the stage is, in some sense, set.
01:12Please enjoy Ninety Degrees.
01:20Give it to me straight, Larry.
01:37How long's your daddy got left?
01:39Daddy gets more sick each sunrise.
01:42The doc says we ought to prepare for the worst.
01:45Said I wasn't going to cry, dammit!
01:50Don't somebody find work looking after that old man all by yourself, Larry?
01:53That's not just me.
01:55Old neighbor Joe's always passing through.
01:57Morning!
02:00Morning, Joe!
02:02Well, your daddy's lucky to have you around.
02:06Thank you, Mr. Pines.
02:08Wow.
02:09It sure is...
02:13It sure is hot today.
02:15It's Ninety Degrees outside.
02:18It's Ninety Degrees in here, too.
02:22Can you feel it?
02:23I sure can.
02:25Uh, perhaps I can pour you some iced tea.
02:30Please.
02:53It's good stuff.
02:55Melinda made it.
02:56Almost as good as your mommy used to make it.
02:58I sure wish she was here now.
03:00She'd know just what to say to Paul.
03:03Sugar?
03:04Yes, please.
03:06Thank you!
03:07Always did have a sweet tooth.
03:10Can I get you some more ice?
03:11Just a couple of cubes.
03:16You sure drank that fast.
03:19Can I get you a refill?
03:20No!
03:21You know, my brother and sister will be arriving any time now, and I just can't wait to see them.
03:28Don't be so naive, Larry.
03:29There's only one damn reason they're coming back.
03:31I am not naive, Mr. Pines.
03:34Buddy and Barber are good people.
03:40If you'll excuse me, Mr. Pines.
03:42I'll be right back, Mr. Pines.
03:43Take your time.
03:44Okay.
03:45I'll be right back, Mr. Pines.
03:47Take your time.
03:48Okay.
03:49I'll be right back, Mr. Pines.
03:51Take your time.
03:52Okay.
03:53And I'll be right back.
03:54I'll be right back, Mr. Pines.
03:56Take your time.
03:57Okay.
03:58Take your time.
04:28Who is it, Melinda?
04:35It's Miss Barber.
04:36No, Carl.
04:37I need you to tell the buyers to relax
04:39and sign the damn contracts today.
04:42Real good to see you, Barb.
04:43I don't care if there are layoffs, Carl.
04:45I care about profits.
04:49Larry, it's been a while.
04:51Five years, Barb.
04:53Yet not a day seems to have passed in here.
04:55You want to say hello to Ruffles?
04:58Don't tell me that mangy dog is still alive.
05:00Ruffles, come on and say hello to Barbara.
05:06He's a few years older, but he still loves to run around.
05:15What?
05:19Ruffles, sit.
05:28Lie down.
05:33Lie down.
05:35Lie down.
05:44Good boy.
05:47That'll be our little brother.
05:50And it's money-grabbing the city girl.
05:53Oh, Melinda, please, be civil.
05:56Renee is Buddy's wife now.
05:58Yeah, she sure got her hooks in deep.
06:00Aye, Buddy.
06:01Renee.
06:02Oh, hello there, Larry.
06:06Buddy, good to see you.
06:08Oh, honey, you weren't kidding.
06:11It is, um, quaint.
06:13Daddy's in his room.
06:15Now, uh, before you see him, I must warn you, he's in a bad way.
06:21Oh, Barb, please don't cry.
06:24I'm sorry, Larry.
06:25It's just...
06:25It's just so sad.
06:28Come on, Barb.
06:36Cut the crap.
06:40Easy, Buddy.
06:41You okay?
06:42Course I'm not.
06:43I was the quarterback for the Tennessee Bears.
06:47One bad tackle, I break both my legs.
06:50Now I'm stuck in this chair.
06:54Okay, Buddy, calm down.
06:56How about a nice, cool beer?
06:58Sure.
07:09I'm starving, too.
07:10You got snacks, right?
07:12Can't you think about something other than your belly?
07:15Anything to stop me thinking about my legs.
07:20You ain't even asked about your pops yet.
07:23Um, how long does he have left?
07:26Doc says it could be any day now.
07:28At least he won't have to put up with any more of this.
07:32Crap.
07:34Woof, bark, growl.
07:35Woof, bark, growl.
07:36Yes.
07:37Woof, bark, growl.
07:37What's your little dog doing?
07:38Oh, don't mind him.
07:40He's real friendly.
07:41Wag, wag, wag.
07:43Don't say wag.
07:44Just press the button.
07:45Which button?
07:46The button right in front of you.
07:47Hmm.
07:51Apologies.
07:52Will someone please control this animal?
07:56Go into the study, boy.
07:58Oh, fine.
07:58It's not easy being a dog, you know.
08:02You're supposed to be doing dog noises.
08:03You can't give it lines.
08:04It's an inner monologue.
08:05Then why are you saying it out loud?
08:07This is a naturalistic piece.
08:09Nothing natural about it, Chris.
08:10They built the set sideways.
08:12Just do a bark.
08:13This is your fault, Chris, trying to cut costs, getting Dennis' dad to do the set.
08:17And you've got that toy maker to do all the furniture.
08:19He's never done anything other than jack-in-the-boxes before.
08:22Just do a dog noise.
08:24Do a dog noise.
08:27No.
08:30Go into the study, boy.
08:31Give me the remote.
08:32Get off that.
08:32I am...
08:33Give it.
08:33Give it.
08:34Careful, careful.
08:35I am...
08:35Absolutely not.
08:36You're not qualified, you see.
08:37Already, Chris, what a disaster.
08:39That's yours.
08:40Get your hands off me, you fiend.
08:42Shut up.
08:42Get your hands off me, you idiot.
08:46It would be a lot easier if you weren't zooming over me like that.
08:48You are an amateur.
08:50Give me back control.
08:51There we go.
08:52I am doing it.
08:52No, Chris.
08:53I'm doing it.
08:53Not, Chris.
08:54Stop.
08:54Keep going.
08:54It's the table.
08:55Stay out of my way.
08:56I'm executing a three-point turn.
08:58Chris, look at the state of that.
09:01Will you stop interfering with me?
09:03I am...
09:04Oh, for God's sake.
09:04You did that.
09:05That was your fault.
09:06Absolutely not.
09:06I am exiting the scene.
09:12That was not naturalistic.
09:18Ah, Mr. Pines.
09:20Wait.
09:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
09:26Ah, Mr. Pines.
09:28I'm sorry.
09:36I don't believe we've met before.
09:39Oh, this is Ronald Pines, the family lawyer.
09:42Your dad has asked me to speak to you all on his behalf since his condition has worsened.
09:46If you'd all be so kind as to join me in the study.
09:49It's a pleasure to see you again, Miss Barbara.
09:59It's nice to have the family back under one roof.
10:02It would be if it wasn't for that Yankee Jezebel in our midst.
10:06Now, now, Melinda.
10:07You forgot your place.
10:08She does not have Buddy's best interest at heart.
10:11You can see it clear as day.
10:12She has eyes for another.
10:14Oh, now, Melinda.
10:15There's nothing between Larry and Renee.
10:16No, I didn't say nothing about Larry and Renee.
10:20Excuse me, Miss Barbara.
10:21I must get back to my chores.
10:27Pleasure to see you again, Miss Barbara.
10:29It's nice to have the family back under one roof.
10:32It wouldn't be if it wasn't for that Yankee Jezebel in our midst.
10:35Now, now, Melinda.
10:36You forgot your place.
10:37She does not have Buddy's best interest at heart.
10:40You can see it clear as day.
10:41She has eyes for another.
10:42Come now, Melinda.
10:43There's nothing between Larry and Renee.
10:45I know I didn't say nothing about Larry, did I?
10:48Excuse me, Miss Barbara.
10:50I must get back to my chores.
11:01Thank you, Barbara.
11:02Welcome, everyone.
11:13Now, I'm aware this may be an uncomfortable meeting.
11:18But first, I need you all to sign a copy of these documents.
11:24Now, before Mr. Burgess finalizes his will, by a show of hands, which of you would intend
11:36to sell your share in Burgess Fine Tea after your father has passed?
11:40Barbara?
11:44Buddy?
11:44There it is.
11:51Shame on the two of you.
11:53How could you think of doing that to the workers?
11:55Oh!
11:57Oh, Buddy, I do wish you wouldn't use that kind of language.
12:01Can you blame him for being angry?
12:03He's stuck in that chair for life.
12:05All right, everybody settle down.
12:10You're upset and ruffles.
12:13Come here, boy.
12:18Good boy.
12:19Mr. Burgess has made it clear he does not want...
12:24Mr. Burgess has made it clear he does not want the business to be sold.
12:29So it seems Burgess Fine Tea must be inherited by Larry alone.
12:35Larry alone?
12:37All right, we all just need to cool down.
12:40Uh, Melinda, bring us some more of that iced tea.
12:43Yes, Mr. Larry.
12:45Mr. Larry.
12:45I'm going to need someone stronger than that.
13:02Melinda, I sent you some beers from the refrigerator.
13:06Okay.
13:08Oh, yes, Mr. Larry.
13:09Ah!
13:11Barbara?
13:12Barbara?
13:13Whoa!
13:14Okay.
13:15Mr. Pies?
13:16Mr. Pies?
13:17Okay.
13:18Renee!
13:19Renee!
13:20Oh, Renee!
13:21Renee!
13:23Renee!
13:24Renee!
13:25Renee!
13:25Get ready!
13:29Renee!
13:30No!
13:31Renee!
13:33Oh, Renee, you ready?
13:34I'm sorry.
13:36Oh, Renee, it's all right.
13:38It's all right.
13:39No.
13:40Oh!
13:40Yeah!
13:40Yeah!
13:42Hey!
13:42Oh!
13:46If you need me, Mr. Larry...
13:47Oh, oh!
13:48Oh, no!
13:49I'll be...
13:50Oh!
13:51Oh!
13:51Oh!
13:51There go!
13:52There go my bosoms!
13:53Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:55No!
13:55If you need me, Mr. Larry...
13:56Mr. Larry, I'll be in the kitchen.
14:00How is it fair that Larry gets it all?
14:08Oh, come on, buddy. You're just talking out your ass.
14:13Shettle down, all of you, and drink your beers.
14:17I have to get the max of goose bumps on a hot day.
14:22That's where just my T-shirt group is.
14:26All right, we all just need to be simple to one another.
14:32Buddy always gets snippy when he's been drinking on an empty stomach.
14:36Oh, we can deal with that.
14:38Melinda, bring us some of that fine gazpacho.
14:42Yes, Mr. Larry.
14:46Enjoy.
14:49Well, if you're still hungry after that,
14:52old neighbor Joe usually passes by with something sweet about now.
14:56Howdy.
14:59Who'd like a slice of my blueberry pie?
15:07Buddy, why don't you take five minutes in the kitchen?
15:11What you must understand is, Mr. Burgess has the interests of his workers in heart.
15:19Now, Barbara, I know you're not happy with, uh, I know, I know you're not happy with Daddy's decision,
15:25but as his children, we must respect his wishes.
15:29I absolutely agree.
15:30Now, uh, I know, buddy, can be a...
15:34Excuse me, Mr. Pines, may I speak with you in the living room?
15:42Of course.
15:43After you.
15:44I'll be back momentarily.
16:11Excuse me?
16:14Oh, Larry, I thought they'd never leave us alone.
16:33I don't know what you're talking about, Renee.
16:35I'm talking about you and I, Larry, the chemistry between us.
16:39Keep your voice down.
16:41That was one night of weakness, and I've regretted it ever since.
16:43Don't pretend you don't want to kiss me, Larry, by just right here on this table.
16:48Oh, careful, careful.
17:00Kiss me, Larry.
17:02Oh, Larry, you've got such a gentle touch.
17:08Oh, Larry, you've got such a gentle touch.
17:10Oh, okay, all right, I got you.
17:12Get your voice down.
17:16Someone might hear us.
17:17Larry!
17:18What the Sam Hill has gone on in here?
17:21Barbara, this is not what it looks like.
17:23I have no idea what it looks like.
17:26Oh!
17:27I cannot believe a brother of mine would engage in such underhand.
17:36Get out of here, Larry.
17:38All right.
17:39Whoa!
17:54Hey, you've got to help me.
17:56Please, Barb, don't tell anyone what you just saw.
18:08Well, seems I have you over a barrel.
18:11I can't let Buddy find out.
18:13It will kill him.
18:14I'm not going to tell Buddy.
18:16Oh, thank you, Barbara.
18:18As long as you give me the business.
18:21I can't do that.
18:22I promise, Pa.
18:23Growl.
18:24Easy.
18:26Easy, Ruffles.
18:27She's trying to blackmail you, Larry.
18:30Stop improvising.
18:31That is it.
18:31Give me the remote.
18:32You're not playing the dog anymore.
18:33Get off that.
18:33Give it to me, Chris.
18:34Get...
18:34I am doing it.
18:35Get off...
18:36Ah!
18:36Get out.
18:39Fine.
18:39I'm going to the canteen.
18:40It's real simple, Larry.
18:43You give me the company, and I don't tell Buddy your dirty little secret.
18:48What happened to us, Barb?
18:50Why can't we all be more like Ruffles?
18:53He don't ask for nothing.
18:54Packet of wine gums, please.
18:59He ain't greedy.
19:01Family size, please.
19:04And he don't care about money.
19:06Three pound forty-nine?
19:08What is this?
19:09A cinema?
19:10Absolutely not.
19:10I'll put them back.
19:13Excuse me, sir.
19:14What have you just put in your trousers?
19:15Nothing.
19:16Give me the wine gums, sir.
19:17No, no.
19:17I just...
19:18No, please.
19:19No, no, no.
19:20Look over there.
19:21What?
19:22Ah!
19:24Get back here!
19:25All right.
19:31I think I lost him.
19:34Where the hell am I?
19:36I mean, I'm lost.
19:38Ah, I should be safe in here.
19:40What?
19:40Ah!
19:55Excuse me.
20:21Larry!
20:22Buddy.
20:23I've just been talking to Pa.
20:25You really are a no-good f***ing crap.
20:30Take it easy, buddy.
20:32I didn't know Pa was going to leave me in charge.
20:34Well, you better go change his mind.
20:37I'm going to go and pay my respects.
20:39I'm coming with you.
20:41Oh, no.
20:46Buddy?
20:48Renee?
20:51Are you all right?
20:52Why are you looking at me like that?
20:54Oh, it's just the heat.
20:56Pass me that beer, would ya?
21:00What?
21:03I said pass me that beer, would ya?
21:05the beer.
21:19THE BEER.
21:21NO.
21:22NOT THE BEER.
21:24THE BEER.
21:25the beer.
21:27The beer?
21:29No, not the beer.
21:31The beer.
21:33No, no, that's the beer.
21:35Put that down.
21:37Pass me.
21:39The beer.
21:41The beer?
21:43No, not the beer.
21:45The beer.
21:47The beer.
21:51The beer.
21:53It's a beer!
21:54No!
21:55The beer!
21:56Not the beer!
21:57Not the beer!
21:58It's not the beer!
21:59The beer!
22:00A lager!
22:01Lager beer!
22:02Lager?
22:03Lager beer!
22:04Oh, a lager beer!
22:05Here you go!
22:06A lager beer!
22:12Cheers!
22:23Oh!
22:24Ah!
22:33Papa!
22:34Oh, Papa, don't go.
22:35It's all right, Barb.
22:37Everything's gonna be all right.
22:39Doesn't look like he can hold on much longer.
22:43Oh!
22:44He's coughing!
22:45Get him his pills!
22:50Here you go, Pa!
22:53Ah!
22:57Here's your oxygen, Pa.
23:01Here you go, Pa!
23:02Oh!
23:03Oh!
23:04Oh!
23:05Oh!
23:06Oh!
23:07Oh!
23:08You gotta stay with us, Daddy.
23:09Old neighbor Joe just made you a pudding.
23:14This meringue is light of an air.
23:17Oh!
23:18Oh!
23:19Oh!
23:20Oh!
23:21Oh!
23:22Oh!
23:23I feel...
23:24It's nearly time.
23:25Oh, Daddy!
23:26You're making me cry!
23:27Oh!
23:28Oh!
23:29Oh!
23:30Oh!
23:31Oh!
23:32Oh!
23:33Oh!
23:34Oh!
23:35Oh!
23:36Oh!
23:37Oh!
23:38Oh!
23:39Oh!
23:40Oh!
23:41Oh!
23:42Oh!
23:43Oh!
23:44Oh!
23:45Oh!
23:46Oh!
23:47Oh!
23:48Oh!
23:49Oh!
23:50Oh!
23:51Oh!
23:52Careful, Papa!
23:53I think...
23:54I think I'm going!
23:55I'm going!
23:56I'm going.
23:58Hold on, Papa.
23:59I don't think I can hold on much longer.
24:02I love you, Barbara.
24:03I love you, Daddy.
24:05I love you, Larry.
24:06I love you, Pa.
24:08Goodbye, cruel world.
24:16Thanks, Melinda.
24:21It's a shame I had to work out this way.
24:23It's going to be all right, buddy.
24:25We don't need burgess fine tea.
24:28We have each other.
24:30I just never catch a break.
24:32First my accident and nervous.
24:42I mean, I ain't ever seen you cry like this before.
24:49Papa has passed.
24:51I'm so sorry.
24:52I'll leave you all alone.
24:53Larry, if you want to swing by my office to go over the papers.
24:57You know, buddy, I saw the funniest thing this afternoon in the study.
25:01Actually, Mr. Pines, I won't be stopping by.
25:06You won't?
25:07No.
25:08I want to sign over control of the company to Barbara.
25:12What?
25:13To Barbara?
25:13If you have the papers, I'll sign them now.
25:18Larry.
25:20Are you sure?
25:22There's no other way.
25:25All right.
25:26Sign here.
25:48And here.
25:50And on the report.
25:52There.
25:57I'll have these papers filed right away.
26:03Good day, y'all.
26:04I'll walk you to your car, Mr. Pines.
26:06I can't believe you've just done that.
26:09I've done it for you, buddy.
26:10It's true.
26:11If Larry hadn't shined those papers, I'd have told you all about his affair with Renee.
26:15Barbara, you've played me.
26:20Like a game of craps.
26:26Anyhow, I'd love to stay and talk, but we have to get back to Connecticut.
26:32Ain't that right, Renee?
26:36That's right, Barbara.
26:39Sorry, buddy.
26:40Renee!
26:41How can you do this to me?
26:43What, what, what?
26:45I've got some thoughts on this.
26:47No, you don't.
26:49You two played me from the start.
26:52Oh, sorry, Larry.
26:55Come on, sweetie.
26:57Let's get out of here.
27:02Buddy, I'm so sorry.
27:06Pa's gone.
27:08There's nothing left for us here.
27:10There's nothing left for us here.
27:15Buddy.
27:19Buddy, wait.
27:22Well, I guess it's just you and me now, Ruffles.
27:27Indeed it is, Larry.
27:29And there is much I need to say.
27:31Why must...
27:32Excuse me, sir.
27:33Cornley police.
27:34Can I have a word?
27:34What?
27:35We've had a report of a man matching a description shoplifting.
27:37Would you come with us, please?
27:38It was Chris.
27:39He told me to do it.
27:40Get me on here.
27:41Is this man working under your instructions, sir?
27:43Of course.
27:44I'm the director.
27:44Right.
27:45You're under arrest.
27:46Take my head off me.
27:47Oh, microphone's still on.
27:49Uh, the dog's dead.
27:53Ruffles?
27:55Ruffles?
27:57Ruffles, no!
27:57Ruffles, no!
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