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#comedy #stageplay #dryhumor
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00:00Welcome back to Play of the Week where each week a new play is performed live in
00:17front of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation. I am Chris
00:22Bean the director. This episode is a World War Two spy thriller a play not often
00:30performed due to what critics called offensive historical inaccuracies caused
00:35by the author's lazy research. I am delighted to say we will be joined by a
00:40special guest star this evening. My father Raymond Bean has taken the time out of
00:46his busy schedule of writing letters of complaint to the Guardian to play the
00:51part of Randolph Wickham. He is currently running late but one of our other
00:55actors has stepped in for the meantime and we will proceed. This episode is the
01:01pilot. It's not the pilot episode it's an episode about a pilot. So I suppose it is
01:09technically a pilot episode though it is not the pilot episode. It is called the
01:13pilot. So now everything's clear. The actors are prepared. The stage is
01:20set. Please enjoy the pilot not the pilot.
01:26I'll tell you.
01:53Seven, four, nine, test.
02:02Nothing yet, Lieutenant.
02:04Six damn months, Val.
02:06Six months working with the most advanced technology available to man
02:09and we're no closer to cracking the German code.
02:12Ah!
02:13You all right?
02:14It's my leg again.
02:16Damned embarrassing getting shot down on my first flight.
02:19And look what I've got to show for it.
02:24You mustn't worry, Rulfus.
02:26I don't care one jot about appearances.
02:31My little kite, Dorothy, is sat out there on the runway gathering dust.
02:40I'm stuck here, unable to even walk.
02:50You really ought to take some leave, Lieutenant.
02:52I don't worry about you.
02:54You do?
02:55Oh, Miss Leclerc.
02:57Bonjour, chérie.
02:59Any luck with the latest transmission?
03:00It's, um, bibliotech.
03:05All right.
03:07Beep!
03:08Incoming telegram.
03:09Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim.
03:13It's from Commander Wickham.
03:15Did he get it?
03:16Yes, yes.
03:17I'm going to call you directly, Corporal.
03:19Well, he says he wants some answers.
03:20We will crack this code.
03:22We just need more time.
03:23We must steal ourselves.
03:26It is as Monsieur Napoleon said.
03:28I'm sorry.
03:41I've let you all down.
03:43I'm not a codebreaker any more than I am a pilot.
03:46I'm heading upstairs to my quarters.
03:56Rest up.
03:58I just need a moment to clear my head.
04:00Ah, Valérie, he is an answer man, no?
04:16There's no time for fraternising at Carraway Heist, Miss Leclerc.
04:19You must put any personal feelings you have aside.
04:21Then so must you.
04:23I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
04:25Now, there's a war to be won.
04:27Look at Adolf Hitler.
04:31Do you know what he has done?
04:33He has launched his troops.
04:40Through the Ardennes.
04:43And right into the heart of France.
04:46Then he'll get further than that if the rumours of the mole are true.
04:52Camille, I won't tell you again.
04:53There is no mole.
04:56The Germans could never infiltrate Carraway Heist.
05:04I hope you are right, Valérie.
05:07For all our sakes.
05:14This is Corporal Skye.
05:16Skye, this is Commander Wickham.
05:19It's been too long, sweetheart.
05:20Sir.
05:22Now, you've been working on this code for months and still no success.
05:26Oh, these things take time, sir.
05:30Time is the one damn thing we don't have, Skye.
05:33I'll be with you at zero seven hundred hours and I expect to be furnished with some good reason as to why I shouldn't close Carraway House.
05:40Is that clear?
05:41Yes, sir.
05:42Now, take down my aircraft security clearance.
05:44Alpha Charlie one nine two nine.
05:55Alpha Charlie one nine two nine Foxtrot.
05:58Have you got that down?
05:58Yes, sir.
05:59Send me through your coordinates.
06:00Mm-hmm.
06:01My telegram.
06:04Over and out.
06:05Goodbye, sir.
06:06Hello.
06:19Goodbye.
06:21Who was that?
06:22Wickham.
06:23He's flying over.
06:26He'll be here soon.
06:30Why must headquarters always interfere?
06:32I'm sitting through our coordinates.
06:42He threatened to close...
06:44He threatened to close Carraway House.
06:57You and Wickham, you have a history, no?
07:00Perhaps you can persuade him to give us more time.
07:04I don't like what you're suggesting, Miss LeCleur.
07:06Would you want him to close us down?
07:08He won't shut us down.
07:09I have an idea.
07:11What?
07:11Where's that transcribed message from this morning?
07:13Here.
07:15This message ends with two words.
07:17Four characters, then...
07:19Four characters...
07:21Stop it.
07:22Four characters, then six.
07:28As did the transcribed message from the 11th.
07:33If we assume these two words are the same, then bang!
07:37We have our key.
07:43We just need to know what the German radio op signed off with.
07:45What would any German radio operator sign off with?
07:49Heil Hitler.
07:52That's it, pal.
07:54I'll plug that into the machine.
07:56This is brilliant.
07:58You are brilliant, Lieutenant.
08:02Let's get to work.
08:03Anything we add to your title?
08:18Still processing.
08:20She just needs a few more minutes,
08:21and we'll know if we've cracked the German code.
08:28Beep!
08:30Incoming telegram.
08:31Must be from Wickham.
08:32Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim!
08:36Wickham is a spy.
08:38No, that's not for now.
08:45There's another message.
08:48Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim.
08:52The Germans didn't attack Plymouth.
08:54There must be a spy attack.
08:55No, that's not the message.
09:00Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim.
09:02The war is over.
09:04No, it isn't.
09:06Try again.
09:08Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim.
09:11Oh, Wickham is about to arrive.
09:13Right, good.
09:14We already knew that.
09:17We mustn't waste any time.
09:18We already have.
09:19Look, I can see his plane.
09:32Attention!
09:37Good to see you again, Valerie.
09:39It's been too long.
09:41Commander?
09:41Oh, come on, Val.
09:43Don't tell me you've forgotten the time we spent in Monaco.
09:48Bosh!
09:50No, sir.
09:52Good to have you with us, Wing Commander.
09:55May I take your bag?
09:57No.
09:58Yes, I've been carrying it around all day.
10:06You have arrived at a very exciting time, Commander.
10:10We believe we are on the verge of a big discovery.
10:18Well, you've all been given too much slack here.
10:21Come on.
10:42I'll cut.
10:43Come on.
10:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:45so this is the machine that cost King Henry the eighth a hundred thousand pounds she contains
11:04components from all the allied countries over four thousand connections a second isn't she
11:09Magnificent this is a complete waste of time and resources I am shutting this operation down
11:22right now she's done it done what decided the code she works come here you'll speak the best
11:38travel we're bad and hot our band sours come 990 loved balloon it's going to be an attack on
11:57Plymouth tonight my god call that into HQ right now this is left in here radio in
12:03it's done congratulations everyone let's not get carried away never forget that Germany and England are still
12:33very much at war it's true Churchill would never let us guard down nor can we but it all works through
12:50the night let's take two hours rest and we'll reconvene at zero nine one zero zero nine one zero nine hundred
12:58zero ten past nine sky I'd like a word with you after my shower yes sir
13:08I'm healed sir I underestimated you I can't believe you did it we all did it Camille oh you are modest
13:26thanks to you we could win the Vietnam war and liberate my homeland I am so very grateful to you
13:36for what you have done no not yet really Camille I couldn't have done it without you and Val and we
13:44would have been lost without you no I may no longer be able to fight but I'll do whatever I can you are a
13:52brave man
14:02no miss Leclerc I cannot I see it is valerie for whom your art beats no perhaps it is as we French say
14:14so pondra in forever Jacko don't may go Sonny le matine ding-dang doll oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to
14:34you can drought no I was just heading upstairs to my quarters
14:38NGOs
14:43hmm
14:47hmm
14:52hmm
14:54hmm
14:58hmm
14:59hmm
15:04hmm
15:07And I was adding up to mine
15:37Skye, pass me another towel, would you?
15:45There's a good girl
15:46Sir
15:47Damn fine shower
15:49But you're blind
15:52Tell me honestly, Skye
15:54Do you miss what we have?
15:58I know I do
16:00Please, that was just sport to you
16:03But the nights of passion
16:06Come on, Val
16:07Don't tell me you've forgotten
16:09These
16:11Bosh
16:12Please, Wing Commander
16:15Oh, let your guard down, Val
16:18We're all alone
16:22Nobody can see us
16:26Let's not waste any more time, Skye
16:32Kiss me
16:34No, Commander
16:37Tell me you don't want me right now
16:40This is our chance
16:49You can stop pretending, Skye
16:52You're a woman with woman's knees
16:55Don't tell me you're not tempted by my steely body
17:01Admit it
17:09You can't resist
17:11I can
17:12And I will
17:14You can run away from me, Val
17:16But you can't run away from how you feel
17:20I really must be getting back to my quarters
17:27She'll be back
17:44They always come back
17:47Beep
17:48Telegraph
17:50Not part time
17:52Vim
17:53Vim
17:54Vim
17:55Vim
17:56Vim
17:57Vim
17:58Vim
17:59Vim
18:00Vim
18:01Vim
18:02Vim
18:03Vim
18:04Vim
18:05Vim
18:06Vim
18:07Vim
18:08Vim
18:09Vim
18:10Vim
18:11Vim
18:12Vim
18:13Vim
18:14Vim
18:15Vim
18:16HE SINGS
18:19HE SINGS
18:22HE SINGS
18:25HE SINGS
18:29HE SINGS
18:31HE SINGS
18:33HE SINGS
18:37HE SINGS
18:41How do you spell Plymouth?
18:44HE SINGS
18:47HE SINGS
18:49HE SINGS
18:51HE SINGS
18:52Good Lord!
18:53The Germans didn't attack Plymouth.
18:56We must have known we were ready for them.
18:59But you know what that means?
19:01You were right.
19:03There's a German mole at Carraway Heights.
19:05Perhaps the place is bugged.
19:07Hidden microphones here? Impossible.
19:11Hi, come on, they're sending down...
19:15Moncrief.
19:17Moncrief?
19:18The Spy Hunter?
19:20No one leaves this room until he arrives.
19:24Talk of the Spy Hunter's imminent arrival caused tension among the team.
19:29Someone at Carraway was a traitor.
19:31Could it be Valerie? Rufus? Camille?
19:34With every hour that passed, the situation grew more tense.
19:41I can't believe the jellies are on to us.
19:46All that work, all that secrecy in one of our inner circle has betrayed us.
19:51It's so embarrassing. Churchill would never get caught with his trousers down like this.
19:55What's the reason? What do I do? They just want to freeze him.
19:58Because of the thick thighs. What am I...
20:01Sorry, we were just refitting the trousers.
20:03Just stand away from the window!
20:05Mine need refitting, too.
20:07Get off! Just get off!
20:09Chris, that tone is exactly why everyone said you should play Hitler.
20:12Get out!
20:15Right!
20:17Churchill would never get caught with his trousers down like this.
20:20I'd have to tell you...
20:26Just lending them mine.
20:28Well, I'll take mine off, too.
20:31No!
20:36Our efforts haven't been wasted, Rufus.
20:38They knew we were ready for them at Plymouth.
20:40But they may not know we've broken the code.
20:43You're right.
20:44And look.
20:45Here comes Moncrief.
21:06I'll do one more.
21:07Thank God you're here!
21:09Lionel Moncrief.
21:12Spycatcher.
21:27I shall begin my interrogations immediately.
21:30Excellent.
21:31I must be getting back to headquarters.
21:33Nobody leaves!
21:35Until the spy...
21:37is caught.
21:39You first, Lieutenant.
21:41Lieutenant Rufus James Heal.
21:43I've looked through your files.
21:49Impressive.
21:50Now this is a polygraph.
21:53The latest technology from the Americans.
21:55It detects the most minute electrical signals.
21:59So I'll know if you're lying.
22:05Let's begin.
22:07Where are you from, Lieutenant?
22:08Harrow.
22:10Correct.
22:12And your family?
22:13Were they British?
22:14Yes.
22:16LIES!
22:18It can't be.
22:19I...I'm not.
22:20Are either of your parents Germans?
22:28Are either of your parents Germans?
22:37Are either of your parents Germans?
22:40Yes.
22:41Yes, all right.
22:42My mother was German born.
22:43But she moved here when she was a child.
22:44She's as British as you or I.
22:45Oh, Rufus.
22:46You falsified your papers?
22:47Of course.
22:48They wouldn't have let me fight otherwise.
22:49Oh, raise your voice to me.
22:50I'm not the spy.
22:51Does that pass your damn test?
22:53To hell with the test.
22:56I don't trust you.
22:58I'm handcuffing myself to you
23:01until I'm convinced
23:03that you have nothing left to hide.
23:06This man is clearly the mole.
23:13And I have him trapped.
23:16Oh!
23:20Well, Moncrief.
23:21Now that's all solved,
23:22I'll get back to HQ.
23:24Beep!
23:25Telegram.
23:27Beem, beem, beem, beem, beem.
23:29Wait!
23:30HQ is infiltrated.
23:32Camille is a spy.
23:34No, she isn't.
23:37Are there any other telegrams from HQ?
23:42Beem, beem, beem, beem?
23:46Val is a spy?
23:47No.
23:49Not Val.
23:51Beem?
23:52How could it be you?
23:56You're a machine.
23:58Is it you?
24:00No!
24:01Is it Rufus?
24:02I am Rufus!
24:04I thought you were Hitler.
24:05No!
24:06So who is it then?
24:07Wickham!
24:08Who's Wickham?
24:09She's Wickham!
24:10I thought your dad was Wickham.
24:11No, because he's not here, is he?
24:13Oh, hi, Chris.
24:14Sorry.
24:15It's too bloody late now, Dad!
24:16Get out!
24:21It's an air raid!
24:23It's an air raid!
24:25I can see a giant plane right overhead!
24:27Where's Wickham?
24:28He's run away!
24:29Look!
24:30The door is wide open!
24:37Unbelievable!
24:38That plane's not a bomber!
24:40It's a fighter!
24:41Looks like an escort!
24:42Oh!
24:49It's Wickham in that plane!
24:59They mustn't let him get away!
25:00But who'll catch him?
25:01Dorothy will!
25:02I can't fly Dorothy!
25:04Not without my leg!
25:05I believe you can!
25:09Petit filou!
25:12You're right.
25:14I'll see you on the other side.
25:19Good luck, Rufus!
25:30I'm most pleased to be returned to the fatherland here, Wickham.
25:33There's a bomb bell competing for you in Belina.
25:38As long as I get my money, I'll be happy.
25:41Good Lord!
25:42What the devil is that?
25:43Wait, wait!
25:44I'm not ready!
25:45I'm not set in!
25:48Exhibit!
25:49Open fire!
25:51Oh, it's sitting!
25:52Help me!
25:53Dammit!
25:54We'll lose him in the clouds!
25:59He's totally fearless!
26:00I have never seen such skill!
26:05Oh, good!
26:06Great!
26:08I think we've lost him!
26:10Oh, my!
26:12Meaday!
26:13Meaday!
26:14Meaday!
26:15We're going down!
26:17Oh, I'm gonna miss him!
26:18I did it!
26:23I did it!
26:24I'm coming home!
26:34Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!
26:38It's dark!
26:39The war is over!
26:42I'm sure you and Rufus will be very happy together.
26:46Oh, Valerie!
26:48The lieutenant only has eyes for you.
26:51It is as the Spanish say.
26:55Ah!
26:57La-la-la-la-la-la-bum!
26:59Well, Camille!
27:03Look!
27:05There's a visitor here to see us!
27:07Mr. Churchill!
27:09Mmm!
27:11I wanted to come and express my gratitude personally
27:15by giving you this.
27:17Mmm!
27:20You've done something truly remarkable, Hill.
27:23No one will ever forget the 19th of February, 1961.
27:27The day Hitler was shot down in a plane over Devon.
27:32Congratulations, Lieutenant.
27:33Or should I say...
27:35The King.
27:39Oh, Rufus!
27:40Thank you, Prime Minister.
27:41Thank you, Your Majesty.
27:43You really are a damn fine pilot.
27:48Valerie, would you accompany me to dinner tonight?
27:51I'd be delighted.
27:52Perhaps you'd all care to dine with me tonight at number six.
27:58It would be an honour.
28:01Thank you, Prime Minister.
28:03Oh.
28:08Vim!
28:09You've all certainly made Winston Churchill very proud.
28:20Except...
28:22I'm not the real...
28:24Winston Churchill.
28:25I'm...
28:26I'm not the real Winston Churchill. I'm...
28:41I'm...
28:42Nein, I'm not the real...
28:44I'm not the real...
28:46I'm not the real Winston Churchill...
28:47Just...
28:48Just...
28:49Just...
28:51Just...
28:53Just...
28:54I'm Winston Churchill.
28:55Get your Saturday night moving to a brand new beat with BBC One.
29:03It's welcome back to The Greatest Dancer.
29:06Tomorrow at seven.
29:08If you haven't got much occurring this weekend,
29:10the complete Gavin and Stacey story is exclusively streaming on iPlayer.
29:14And it's lush.
29:16You can count on the count to bring the drama to a bloody end.
29:18Dracula next.
29:19The Greatest Dancer 2021
29:22The Greatest Dancer 2021
29:37Just lasstầm ten composer in the front...
29:41Yes, yes, no, no...
29:43If you need to remember...
29:44...the whole world's still миллиソads
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